Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I really wasn't going to write tonight as I am tired from this long day. But.... I've been in my art room this evening and I have some photos of Tommy sitting in there... and I came face to face with one that always smiles at me with his Tommy smile. He was so happy in that photo.... he'd gotten to see McKenzie, his daughter. That was a hard thing for him to get to do. McKenzie's mother is a very good mother but, more protective than most mothers. She just couldn't bear to share her and let her spend time with her father... just afraid. I have to say that I do understand that from a mother's standpoint.... all mothers who love their children with their hearts can be too protective and worry so much. I was like that as a young mother..... as a older mother and until the day my son died. I worried that last evening about him and his family getting to Myrtle Beach because it was Memorial Day. They made it safely there just in time for my son to play with his son on the beach for a short time... something he wanted to do so much and was looking forward to. One of the last things I remember that evening was when the phone rang I looked at the Caller ID and it was my son's phone.... when I answered.... a strange male voice was telling me 'I have a man here collapsed on the sand and he's not breathing'. I won't ever forget that... that's how I found out my baby, my only child, my son had died. I went into a shock ... Skip took over then. My husband Skip is the most perfect person for me and he is my whole world along with our two pups. He is so protective of me and makes all better for me. That night I told Skip to please take me to the hospital that I couldn't bear this and to tell them to drug me.... I never take drugs ..nor do I drink or smoke. That night I was drugged and several months went by before I could become aware of everything again... Skip worried so much about me. Truthfully..... I would have never made it through all that followed for the last year and half since Tommy died, if it hadn't been for Skip and Chadwick and Kissy. I may have never wakened up if I didn't have them and love them so much. The good thing is that now.... I'm stronger and am myself again... and I embrace life again with such a passion. When I cry now... it's from missing so much and knowing I won't see my son again. I will never forget him. I loved him with my heart. He was so much a part of our life.