I have just made a potato salad and I baked a turkey breast for Skip's supper this evening. Of course, when making potato salad I use boiled eggs. Remember.... Tommy always showed up just after I boiled the eggs and I had them all shelled... and he would eat as many as he wanted. I always made sure there were extra ones... I 'knew' he'd be there. How he always timed it was funny and... amazing. I smile now, thinking about it.
Like the times before when I made potato salad since Tommy has been gone.... I think of my son. It does hurt so much and I miss him so much. For just a moment I felt such anguish in my heart and for a moment only... I asked 'why?' and for a moment I felt anger that he is gone. I never allow myself to do that longer than a 'moment' ...because it doesn't help anything to question...nor does it help to feel anger that he is gone and wonder 'why' I don't have my only child anymore.
When I was taking the shells off the eggs ..just for a moment I so, wished to see him standing there eating one of the boiled eggs. Just for a moment, I wished for even a sign that he was
'there' somehow... like on Ghost Whisperer. You know how a person's loved one shows up and reaches out to touch their mother or loved one and tells them they love them... and once in a while... they can be seen. I wished that so much.... and I looked so closely into the air to see if I could see anything 'Tommy'.... I didn't. I really tried to. I just had to look 'inside myself' to see my memory of him standing so tall smiling and talking to me as he ate a boiled egg. He liked to take the salt shaker and sprinkle salt on his egg before eating it. For a moment..... I imagined him standing there.
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