I have just made a potato salad and I baked a turkey breast for Skip's supper this evening. Of course, when making potato salad I use boiled eggs. Remember.... Tommy always showed up just after I boiled the eggs and I had them all shelled... and he would eat as many as he wanted. I always made sure there were extra ones... I 'knew' he'd be there. How he always timed it was funny and... amazing. I smile now, thinking about it.
Like the times before when I made potato salad since Tommy has been gone.... I think of my son. It does hurt so much and I miss him so much. For just a moment I felt such anguish in my heart and for a moment only... I asked 'why?' and for a moment I felt anger that he is gone. I never allow myself to do that longer than a 'moment' ...because it doesn't help anything to question...nor does it help to feel anger that he is gone and wonder 'why' I don't have my only child anymore.
When I was taking the shells off the eggs ..just for a moment I so, wished to see him standing there eating one of the boiled eggs. Just for a moment, I wished for even a sign that he was
'there' somehow... like on Ghost Whisperer. You know how a person's loved one shows up and reaches out to touch their mother or loved one and tells them they love them... and once in a while... they can be seen. I wished that so much.... and I looked so closely into the air to see if I could see anything 'Tommy'.... I didn't. I really tried to. I just had to look 'inside myself' to see my memory of him standing so tall smiling and talking to me as he ate a boiled egg. He liked to take the salt shaker and sprinkle salt on his egg before eating it. For a moment..... I imagined him standing there.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)