Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Walk Back In Time....on a path lost in my memories...

I have 3 sisters... Teresa, Peggy and Sharon.  Peggy and Sharon are my father's daughters by his second wife.  Teresa is my mother's daughter who became Nannie's daughter when she was but, a little infant. 

I don't keep in contact with Peggy and Sharon... we grew apart as the years went by.  It's like we don't really know each other now and I don't think any type of bond survived all this time... I never felt it when my father and grandmother died (when I saw them at the funerals).  I didn't feel anything for them at all... it was like we were strangers. 

Life can be sad and I'm used to such... beginning when I was a small girl.... I lost everyone I loved with my heart in some way beginning then... one would think I'm used to it by now and could survive anything.  That's not true... my world almost ended when I lost my only child, Tommy.  I almost wasn't strong enough to pull through that and the medicine I was given by the doctor would have made it easy to 'go'.  Never in my life have I felt such pain in the very core of my soul and my heart... it overwhelmed me and still it overwhelms me and I just bow down like a ship in the wind and I cry my very heart out.  Afterwards... I rise up again so much stronger... until it happens again and ..again.  I become more strong each time it happens until now.... I can talk about him and laugh at the wonderful, funny things he used to do and say.  Now.... I can even do artwork again and see and feel colors again... whereas all was 'dark' inside me. 

Teresa and I..... Teresa was a baby and I was 9 years old when we were thrown to my Grandma Alma and George, the only grandfather I ever knew.  No one really wanted us and I have some very sad memories about 'then'..... one of the times I was thrown there.  Teresa was crying and someone had let a pillow (or placed) fall on her head.  I can't remember past that because like a lot of memories... my mind found a way to block out alot of things. 

I know there was an aunt living there who would cuss and scream at us constantly... she was a teenager then, and very ill-tempered.  She beat me one time with a piece of wood from Grandma's box of wood... and it left streaks with blood on my legs.  I'll never forget screaming at her that I'd tell my mama whenever she came back for me.  She tried to bribe me with a Timex watch she had and I wouldn't take it from her.  Eventually my mom came back and sure enough... she 'whipped' my aunt Jeanette and she whipped her good.  I remember I was so glad because she'd hurt me so badly when she beat me with that wood.  Strangely enough, I always loved Jeanette no matter how she hurt me through the years... deeply.  Strangely enough... I never tried to hurt her back and I could have.. to pay her back for all her meanness and unfairness to me and... deceitfulness.  I just loved her and she loved me in her own way... because she would fight for me too, as a child.  I know... she did it several times and was fearless.  I love you too, Jeanette.

I can't remember all.. it's really too painful that to this day... I still feel sick inside .. I loved my brother and my sister... and they were taken away from me... they were younger than I and they probably never remembered me so.... really I was nothing to them.  But.... they were something to me and my little heart loved them and knew them... my brother and my sister... Billy (William) and Teresa.  William was taken to Wisconsin at some point and God... no one will ever know the tears I cried through the years for my little brother... it was just so awful.  The day came that my mom took Teresa and I to Mebane to my other grandmother's and to Nannie's.  I vaguely remember this kind lady and her husband there with the light behind them at their house... mom gave Teresa to them and someone told me to say goodbye or something.... my memory stops there... there's a block there.  I remember walking on the sidewalk and being with my Grandmother Lola.... my mom left us there.  I came to find out as I grew older that Nannie was a dear friend of my Grandmother Lola's and she and her husband adopted my sister, Teresa.  Mom had left me at my Grandmother Lola who was so good to me.  She was going to send me to fashion design school in New York when I graduated school... there were many wonderful dreams living there that she was going to make come true.  As time went on... my mom came back and took me away and I was back 'in hell' again being thrown around and going through so much as a child and seeing so much a child should never-ever see nor experience.  Do you know.... there's no love like a child's love for their mother?  Because no matter what my mom did or said or put me through.... I loved her with all my heart.  The tears I cried for her as a little girl........ she would leave me somewhere and not come back for so long.... just the mention of her name would send me into crying until I couldn't cry anymore.  I remember hearing adults saying please don't say my mom's name around me because I couldn't quit crying for her.  As I grew up I learned my beautiful mother was addicted to drugs and alcohol.... like many people in this world.  I didn't understand what I was seeing and hearing then... it took me until I was in my thirties to finally understand.  As time goes by... I may remember more to write about this.  For now... my chest is tight and even several tears have fallen down my face and I feel the need to just cry..... just for the sadness in life... for missing my precious mom and ...for many lost things, people in life.  My little Kissy (our 1 year old big Rottweiler puppy) has just come to play with me ... he is a live-wire full of energy and loves to 'express himself'... he really knows these words and .... goes around in a circle wagging that little short tail and being so darn cute!  It seems he and Chadwick, our Malamute-mixed pup know when I'm sad... they always come to me and their eyes are full of concern and I make them feel good by petting and loving them!  :))))))))

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