Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, December 31, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR ARTWORK ABOVE by GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE
I WANTED TO WISH ALL MY FOLLOWERS, READERS, FAMILY A MOST SPECIAL, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013.....
LOVE, GRANNY GEE/GLORIA
<3 :))) <3
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Granny Gee's turn to drive! Getting ready to leave Flying J Truck Stop, to enter the state of New Mexico..............................
From High Heels To ... Driving A Tractor-Trailer
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I loved my high heels, beautiful skirts, dresses ... but, they aren't practical on a big truck. I did enjoy wearing more casual clothes, sneakers... comfortable!
I drove three years with Skip. We traveled over the whole United States to every state. I saw many things, I know many stories from the road.
I have been in blizzards I only read about in books growing up. I never could imagine how snow could become so much, that one could become lost in it... out west, I learned fast!
We were in quite a few over the years of traveling by private vehicle, and on a big truck. We were in 'white-outs'... the interstates would be shut down. I loved it, it was exciting... I was with Skip, and home was where we were.
I learned what a dust storm was... no, it isn't just 'dust'... it's brown sand... the air turns brown, sand is blowing hard everywhere, non-stop for days! My hair would get sand in it, I would have to guard my eyes when getting in and out of the big truck.
One can see it coming.... I've watched as we were approaching a sand storm on the interstate... up ahead I would see 'brown'... soon, we'd be in the storm. The wind would blow so hard, the sand blowing everywhere.
Sometimes, a 'freak' storm would happen 'out of the blue'. Once I was driving (I was so innocent... had no idea!)... the sun was shining beautifully, the day was lovely... when all hell broke loose.
All of a sudden I was fighting to control the truck, I couldn't see for the torrential rain, the wind threatening to blow the big truck off the road, lightening, hail. I would be so afraid, but... I held on to that steering wheel for dear life.. somehow, managing to make it past the storm.
I was amazed to look out anytime, over the desert floor... and actually see storms many miles away! Fascinating! I could see the rain, disturbance in the distance, lightening ... it was wonderful to witness storms like that. Do you know why?
Because ... I am afraid of storms! I want to look, watch.. but, I'm too afraid to. When I see violent lightening, I cringe inside, I have to look away! So, seeing storms in a distance... was perfect for me!
We used to go to a place in California to deliver. We got to know drivers there, and if we didn't know them, we 'knew of them.' Oh, the stories I could tell you!
There was a woman driver who drove solo, she delivered at the place we would go to. We would get a laugh (not in an ugly way!) because she would reach her destination, which was where we were, too.
She would go into her sleeper... change into a dress, and high heels! It would be funny because... we knew what to expect next. We'd watch for the door to open... and I would watch for her foot to show beneath the door.... with a high heel shoe on!
I would be thinking 'oh, my God! I don't believe this woman is stepping out onto the steps to come out of a tractor-trailer. She had to do it very easy so, as not to get her heels stuck in the little holes in the steps!
I would watch, feeling as if I was going to burst out laughing... I didn't want her to see me do that! I don't make it a habit to make fun of people... who am I to do that!? But, I have to tell you something! Don't think bad of me... it's the truth, and I'm just saying....
That woman really was.... how can I say this? She was dressed in a business suit, oh... how pretty it was! So very inappropriate, just not the clothes to wear on a truck (or, I'd had my high heels, dresses on, too!).
Anyway, the clothes were pretty... but.... don't think bad of me... it's the truth... she was just plain out... ugly. Just not pretty at all! Maybe... she was a man... I just don't know... but, something just didn't 'feel right!'
The face didn't match the ... clothes. Maybe the body ... something about the body didn't ... match, either!
One night we were on Interstate 40, we had on a haz-mat load we'd picked up in Wilmington, NC. We were in Albuquerque, New Mexico... it was late at night. We pulled over to look at the map, double check where we were going.
A car pulled up beside us, stopped in the lane (late at night, there wasn't any traffic). A woman jumped out from the driver side of the car. She was very pretty, with long, blonde hair. She wore tight-fitting jeans ... she was a fox, no doubt!
She jumped up on Skip's side of the truck (he was driving), and he rolled the window down. "Hey, driver, are you lost, do you need directions... do you need 'anything', anything at all?" "Hey, baby, do you need a date?"
I began grinning, I stayed quiet... she hadn't seen me just yet. I loved these times ... I was 'always the surprise' in such instances! I sat quietly in the passenger seat, waited for the right moment... I leaned around and said sweetly....
"Oh no, he doesn't need anything... he's got me!" It was so much fun to watch her eyes, her face go from trying to seduce my husband... to being ... startled! I loved it.
She got off the steps, walked quickly to her car, got in, sped off! Skip and I were laughing for the longest time after that. I couldn't get mad... because that's life out on the road... it's going to happen whether a wife likes it or not.
It's going to happen whether a husband likes it ...or not. There are always going to be hookers/prostitutes, both women, men. It's part of a truck driver's world....
They aren't after your husband, wife... they are after a dollar. It's how they survive, they will service you, if you have the money. Sometimes, when they'd walk up to Skip, they'd quickly tell me they'd service me, too! It's a wild world ... 'out there!'
I am always curious, I love to know how things really are, I listen, I watch. I learned so much .... we are usually in our world, as other people are in theirs... we all pass each other... rub shoulders as we do.
If you aren't paying close attention, you'll never know what's going on around you. It really can be very interesting. You wouldn't believe... you wouldn't believe.
When I'd drive at night time, sometimes a car would come up side by side with me. I would look down ... you have to pay attention, you never know what people are going to do.
Sometimes, the interior light would come on inside the car... there would be either a man, or a woman sitting at the steering wheel. You wouldn't believe what I'd see! I didn't believe what I would see!
Either the man, or woman... wouldn't have clothes on... or their underwear was 'somewhere ... when it should have been on their a__!' They would be sitting there with their hands doing things 'down there'.... they should have been doing in private!
Now, I've seen quite a few things you just wouldn't believe. If I'd been 'a wild girl'... there was plenty of 'fun' to be had 'out there.'
I just watched, learned, listened ... because on the serious side of trucking.... you can be robbed, killed if you don't watch your back.
Anyway, I went from my high heels, beautiful dresses to drive a big truck, to experience something a lot of women don't get to do. I learned so much about 'that world.'
I know this much... at any moment, I wouldn't be afraid to go out my door, drive to California, Washington, Oregon, Montana, or any state in the United States. Just give me a sound vehicle, and I'll go ... I know how to get there, I'm not afraid.
My dream has always been to do like the people I used to watch while on the road. I don't think that can possibly happen now, as we don't have the money we one time had. I can still wish...
My dream for us when we became older, was to have a RV again, maybe a travel trailer. I used to watch the older people travel on the interstates, we used to talk to them in rest areas, truck stops.
They went to warmer climates in the winter. Some of them would work a little job in a restaurant to make money, work at flea markets like in Quartzsite, Arizona. Now, that's a wonderful place to go, to see.. so many people, RV's, so much going on in the desert.
I used to imagine Skip and I, leisurely doing that 'one day.' Sadly, I don't think that can happen now. Times are much harder now... and 'one day' has come, we weren't prepared.
I still dream ... I've always heard that nothing is impossible. I believe 'most' things are possible... I still believe. I never stop. I know during my years on this earth, I have seen some 'impossible' things... I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't seen them with my own eyes.
Anyway, this is a little about my experiences on the road when I went from high heels ... to driving a big truck!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
(Bottle of Light... is what I have named this special gift to Skip and I, from our friend, Cindy. Cindy, you don't know how comforting, how much this lamp you made means to me. I love it. See how soft, beautiful, calming the light reflects out... all around. I swear there's something ... magical about it! My mind begins to daydream..... :))) Granny Gee/Gloria)
I Begin My Day For ... The Second Time, Today
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I went to my dresser, opened the drawer. I took out a fluffy, gray over-sized sweat shirt that has red, white Santa Claus faces on it. I, also, took out matching gray sweat pants. Out of the top drawer, I found matching socks. I wanted to be cozy, I wanted to warm my body, soul, heart. I felt so cold.
I went into the bathroom, instead of turning on the shower, I adjusted the water to very warm water. I flipped the little knob to seal the water in the tub. It began to fill up with warm water, as it filled, I poured bath oil beads into the water. I stood there smelling the beautiful fragrance that began to waft up into the air.
I took my clothes off, folded them neatly... I had just put them on several hours before, when I took my morning shower. I would wear them another time, they were clean. I felt so ... cold.
The cold felt deeper than the chills one gets when being outside in the weather. It's a chill ... deeper than deep. It has to do with grieving, only anyone who grieves, or has gone through the process... will know what I speak of. It's a scary, panicky sort of feeling ... because you think you can't bear to think about your loved one being gone ... forever.
I stepped into the hot tub of water, the water still running to fill it up. I love to hear water running. I spread the little pile of bath oil beads with my hand so, they could dissolve with the water, the fragrance float up on the steam to my face. I close my eyes, think how heavenly that smells... I pretend I'm in a pool at the bottom of a waterfall on a warm, summer day.
I can hear the birds singing, the wind blowing in the treetops as I splash the warm water on my skin. It's beautiful here, The water is so clear, the warmth of it gradually seeping into my body... I even hear wind chimes ringing somewhere in the distance....
I open my eyes to look around me, enjoy the scenery. I can see colorful birds I don't know the names of ... sitting on the branches of trees. Some make their bird sounds, maybe they are singing a song ... just for me.
I see a big, beautiful rock in my pool of warm water, I hear the water rushing down to splash deep into it. I wade over to lean with my back against the rock, look up at the sky. My toes curl around the pure, white sand ... oh, how nice that feels.
My eyes see the beautiful blue of the sky, the pure, white, fluffy clouds. They drift downward to see the reflections of sunlight on the carpet of lush, green moss that covers the earth around my pool. So soft to step on, to wiggle my toes in.
I wonder where I am ... in another country, or in the mountains of my own country? I thought I saw a monkey swinging on a vine, another one right behind him. Mmmm-mm, could be that I'm somewhere I don't know the name of. That's all right ... it's my daydream ... I won't become lost in it ... I know where I am.
I am in this tub of very warm water filled almost to the top. I turned the knob to close the water off. I lay back, feeling my body relax... I begin to doze. Oh, Lord... how warm this water is, how the warmth goes deeper than deep. I fall asleep.
I hear the sound of a knock at the bathroom door. I recognize it... it's Kissy knocking at the door, he doesn't like for it to be closed. I think Kissy worries for me, sometimes. How do we know that our Pups don't?
I sit up in the tub, take the soft, fluffy, yellow bathcloth in my hand. I lather it up with a generous amount of body wash ... oh, how nice it smells. I make suds, lots of suds on my body, in the warm water. Heaven, that's what it is... lots of white bubbles, sudsy, hot water.... I love bubbles, sudsy water. I love the special scent that floats up to my nose.
Finally, I know it's time to come back to the real world where I left my pain. Pain from grief, sorrow... physical pain. I don't want to pick it back up to carry the load again... as I move around to dry my warm body off, with a big, soft, matching yellow towel ... it begins to follow me, I can't leave it behind.
I dress, brush my hair, brush my teeth for the second time today. I spray my wonderful fragrance on my hands, rub my hands together, run my fingers through my hair. I love perfume in my hair, especially... my favorite perfume. I fluff my hair about my face. I'm ready to leave the bathroom to begin the day... for the second time, today.
Hopefully, beginning all over again ... I can have peace of mind. It seems the pain is a little less now... though, it still follows me just as a shadow does on a sunny day.
I'm ready to begin the day ... for the second time, today.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
There are 4 photos on the upper left hand side at the top of my blog. The photos are of my most loved ones as a child… my beautiful mother, my Grandma Alma, and George… the only grandfather I ever knew.
George was the kindest man I ever knew …Skip is the second kindest man I’ve ever known in my life.
You can also, get a glimpse of Hell in the photo surrounding George as he stands there at the stove cooking. He was blind, yet he cooked. My Grandma Alma was paralyzed.
This evening is the first evening I have looked at these photos in years… looking into Hell makes my stomach feel funny, it feels sick. I feel a shakiness inside from it.
My Grandma Alma and George were angels condemned to Hell on earth… they couldn’t go anywhere because of their disabilities… they were at the mercy of the world.
Now, when I write about them, you will have a picture to go along with my stories in your mind.
Goodnight everyone. Love, Granny Gee/Gloria ))
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Just Know That ... I Know You Are In The World, Too
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Do you know that as I write, I do something I read that one shouldn't do when writing? I think about others who go through their own hell, illnesses in their life.
I worry for them, I worry that they'll read my own grief, it affecting them. One can't truly write very well if they worry like this. I have to tell myself this lately, knowing that I still care ... very much. I know I'm not the only person in the world who goes through such.
As you read my stories, I hope you will know that I think of you, too... as I write, I have to 'let go of my thoughts', focus on my words so, I can write what I truly know best.
All I ask is for you to always keep in the back of your mind... that I'm not a self-centered person who thinks only of myself. Please keep that in mind when you read my words, they come from inside me about what I know to write ... best. If I tried to write about you... I would be false.
I read blogs of my blogging friends, I read emails, and comments. Your comforting words mean everything to me. I sense at times, my words have made you upset because of touching something deep inside you. I don't want my words to hurt you, though... I know they will... if you read them. They are 'real.'
I'm aware that some of you ... are like me. I'm aware that some of you have serious illnesses. I'm aware... that some of you have loved ones who are deathly ill. Oh, God ...how I care for you all. A lot of us walk in our own 'private hells'. I know how 'so much' feels, as I've experienced so much in my own world.
I've thought about maybe should I just stop writing? Should I go on, not care about you? I can't do that. I do care with my very heart, I can't stop writing ... I have to write. I have to care about you, too.... it's a part of me... Gloria/Granny Gee.
For the moment, I am talking to all of you ... I know you will sense that I'm talking to you, and you, and you.......... just know I care deeply, I shed tears when I 'feel' your words in your blogs, emails, comments... when I read them.
Just know that I know the world isn't all about 'me.' It may sound like that while I write ... for the moment when I write about 'me', it is. I have to write what I know... that's what my blog is about.
My blog is about a grieving mother, myself. It's about my son, Tommy, whom I'm never going to forget ... I'm going to always remember him with my words. It's about me, Granny Gee/Gloria's life. It's going to always be that ... I'm going to always have 'ups, downs' in my life.
I don't write to feel sorry for myself ... I've never felt sorry for myself. I'm too much the fighter to waste time doing that. If I did that, I'd just lay back, never do anything again... no, that's not 'me.'
I don't need attention with my writing ... if you read my stories, give me attention... it's because you choose to. I will write .... regardless. Even if no one read my stories, I would have to write ... I am driven to write, the memory of my son, the pain ... be it mental, physical, is ... my very fuel.
I once had a dear friend whom for twelve years I wrote to every day, several times a day... she did the same. When she died, I can't tell you the grief I felt for her. I found that I couldn't just quit writing, I felt like I was dying inside if I quit writing. So, I, not only write in memory of Tommy, my pain, I write in memory of Lena, my dearest friend... she is a part of that fuel that drives me.
Just know ... all of you ... my friends, my readers, my followers ... that I do care about you, I feel for you with my very heart. Just know that ... I know 'you' .... are in the world, too.
Love, Granny Gee/aka Gloria Faye Brown Bates
Our Little Christmas Tree... Christmas 2012
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Today has been a very quiet day
I hear the wind chimes as a breeze blows through them
Ringing softly in the golden sunshine of the day
Several times I felt I would cry, but, I didn't
Instead... I looked out over the treetops
Up to the sky, thinking of someone I'm missing
I listen to the Christmas music coming from the stereo
In the background... Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
My head moves in rhythm to the happy music
All at the same time I'm blending sadness, happiness
To bittersweet ... just as my thoughts are today
Today is Christmas Day ... Skip, Pups, myself
I'm so thankful to have ... the four of us
Still, there's such sadness in my heart
As you embrace your son, I miss mine
I sit here, imagine all the happy smiles on mothers' faces
I even smile at a memory of myself as a happy mother
My smile goes away, because it is just a memory
Tommy's gone, he's not here this Christmas Day
For a moment, my silent scream to God shatters
The quietness in my mind, shocking myself
Not only that, for a moment I feel
White, hot anger burst from my very soul
God, why did you take my son away
Why did he have to die, why?!!!
I'm angry, I'm so mad, I hate, I hate...
The tears begin to fall, hot ... scalding
I have to hide them quickly because I hear Skip coming
I hold my head down to my keyboard, engrossed in typing away
I can't let him see my grief, so pure ... so raw
I make the tears go away, I make a smile on my face
Don't upset Skip, I think
He's been down, too... he doesn't need more
Of this grief, stress ... things already on his mind
Straighten up, Gloria ... tomorrow Christmas will be gone
It's only New Year's Day left to go
Have you ever watched to see who makes it to the New Year
I wonder if I'll make it to year 2013
We never know until that moment comes, the clock strikes twelve
It'll be another year that Tommy has been gone
May 29, 2013.... it'll be three years
It seems so much longer, yet ... it seems like yesterday
I've been crying over him, missing him
Do you know ... I still can't believe Tommy's gone
I look at his photos ... he's still so real
Just like he could walk up and say... "hey, mom!"
I could say "Tommy, your ole mom loves you, I'm so glad to see you!"
But, I can't do that, he's not here
No matter what you say, I say
He's not here, he isn't coming back
I could cry until I died... he still wouldn't come back
I can ask 'all the whys in the world'
I'm never going to get an answer
It's like standing in front of the wall
kicking it, kicking the pure hell out of it
That damn wall isn't going to speak to me
No matter... how hard I kick it
It will never say anything, so asking 'why'
Is only a waste of time, waste of breath
Can you feel the anger that burns underneath
I feel it now... most of the time I don't
Why? does it wait to come out at certain times
Turning me into a volcano... almost ready to explode?
The guilt I feel from feeling this way
Like I'm feeling something so ugly, so mean
So, I don't want to feel this way at all
It's not how I really am, I feel ashamed
I just want to be me, be all right again
For now, I don't 'feel myself', I stay away
From people so, they can't see such a person I am for now
A sad, angry person who doesn't want to be that way
I will be all right soon, this has happened before
Somehow, I manage to get past such times
I'm working hard at getting to another place in my mind
To feel peace again, even if for a little while
You don't know this, I'm pretending I don't
I've been waiting ... waiting
Waiting for what, I pretend I don't know
Just in case it doesn't happen ... my heart will be ... protected
I am waiting to see ... waiting for what, I pretend I don't know
Waiting ... not thinking about.... 'what'.... at all
I'm waiting, not saying a word .... I'm not the only one
Pretending we don't know that we are... waiting for what... I don't know
I sit here quietly... I carry my cellphone close to my heart
Wishing, hoping to hear it ring
To tell me that soon... my wait will be over
Tell me who I've been waiting for ... I will soon see!
It doesn't ring to let me know what I pretend I'm not waiting for
So, it seems I'm waiting for nothing
It must be, because I'm waiting for what, I don't know
Merry Christmas, my little grandson ... Merry Christmas, my granddaughter
Love, Granny Gee (Christmas 2012)
Lonely Christmas Presents, And A Hedge Hog, Too...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
A huge hedgehog sat there with the softest of smiles, waiting. Beside it, sat four Christmas presents all wrapped in Santa Claus paper, with a bow on top. They sat there ... waiting for a little boy named ...
If you looked closer inside the house, you would see a lady sitting there ... waiting, keeping her cellphone in her bra, close to her heart so, she wouldn't dare miss a call .... She sits quietly, her thoughts floating all around her... like stars around the moon at night. Will her cellphone ring?
If you looked into her eyes, they would be red... you would see deep inside that she wants to ... weep. Weep why? Why would she want to weep?
She has everything to be thankful for ... she has her husband that almost died in November. She has her Pups, who no matter how she feels... they are always there to give her kisses, to reach out with a comforting paw, to look into her eyes with lots of love.
Look just a little farther inside the house... there, you'll find a man sitting in his recliner, Pups around him. One is propped up on the side of his chair, one lying on his feet. Chadwick, Kissy... they all are waiting because ... they sense Granny Gee is waiting.
Pa Skip is worried about Granny Gee... she is aware that he worries. She doesn't cry in front of him, she doesn't want him to be upset. Yet... at times, she breaks down crying, or becomes very frustrated from grief inside her... her son is gone. He won't be home for Christmas... so, now... she is waiting, hoping....
That a little, precious boy will call. Granny Gee has been waiting since the 21st of December for such a call. Today is Christmas Day... still Christmas Day lasts until ... midnight.
On December 04th... she was sent photos by phone of a precious, little boy who had just lost his first tooth. Lots of happy photos came flying into her cellphone... each making a wonderful sound as they arrived.
School got out on the 21st of December, he would be free for some time. Granny Gee might get to spend a few hours with him, she'd wait until she was called to let her know when.
Granny Gee isn't the sort of person who pries, imposes on other's lives. She doesn't do it now. She sits, waits.... her thoughts floating around her like the stars float around the moon.
The lonely Christmas presents, and a hedge hog wait, too. Wait for a little, precious boy to make them come alive, smile, be glad to have him play with them. They wait for him to laugh, squeal, twinkle his eyes out of joy at the pleasure they can bring him.
She waited, Pa Skip waited, the Pups waited... the lonely Christmas presents, and a ... hedge hog waited, too.
Christmas Day 2012 ... is gone now.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The Above Photos are of myself, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... when I had a little boy named Tommy.
Granny Gee's Little Boy... Photos Of When I Once Had A Young Son
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Skip reached up high on the bookcase to hand me the picture above that you see... of Tommy, myself. I asked him to please hand it to me, it was too high to reach.
For days, I have walked into Skip's study, looked up at this photo. Tommy was eleven years old in this photo... it was taken just before ... just before he ... disappeared from my life for three years. I can't write about that now. I just can't...
We had a good relationship. God... how I loved my son. I was so proud of him. I was proud to be his mother... my son was proud of his mama.
His friends would always 'hit on his mama'. I would always say to his friends... "I'm flattered, if you were older I'd take you up on it, but... not until then." They would grin, and go on being their age, comfortable around me. Tommy loved the idea that his friends would get a crush on his mama.
The photo is proof that once I was a mother... a mama. Sometimes, I have to look at photos to show myself that I once was. I have nothing else to prove that I was ever anyone but... me, myself. I have grandchildren ... but, I have to look at photos to believe they exist. They look like my son... so, I know they are real.
Photos ... photos that somehow made it through a horrible house fire. They were photos in stacks of albums, books and in a huge, old suitcase. A lot were wet from the firemen's hoses... the ones in the 'middle' were without damage.
It's a miracle that I have any photos left ... now, I thank God with my heart. I wouldn't have had anything left but, a broken heart when Tommy died, if all the photos had perished with that fire.
This photo, through the whole time he was, missing ... is very significant to me. I cried many tears, sat looking at this one photo, wondering where my son was. This one photo has seen so many tears.
It reminds me of when I would take my youngest brother and Tommy skating, play pool, go swimming, out to eat. I took pride in getting Tommy's hair cut just right, dressing him nicely. I had the most handsome son in the whole world.
Tommy thought he had the most beautiful mother in the world, he was very protective of me even at such a young age. I was like a mother lion over her cub, when it came to my son. There were a few times I 'went to battle for him'......
Photos are memories in pictures ... they are thoughts you can 'see', you can hold that thought, that memory in your hand and look at it as long as you want to remember. I have to hold this photo just minutes at a time ... I can't look into it long for the pain associated with it. The pain of ... now.
When you look at it, you'll see a young, pretty mother with her young, handsome son ... what you won't see is the 'hell' they both had come through... nor the hell that was ahead of them. What you will see is love, both proud to be mother, proud to be son... of the other. I see the beautiful love...
This is proof that I, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... had a little boy once... his name was Tommy. He's gone now. He was a big boy when he died, at the young age of forty. Tommy collapsed on the sand at the ocean... he had two blockages in his heart.
Monday, December 24, 2012
"Yes, It Really ... Can"
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Christmas Eve morning began with tears, and a smile... laughing. Something touched my heart deeply, then... went to real life that just was so funny the way it was told.
I'm still smiling, I hope this smile will last the whole day through. I haven't smiled a lot lately, only if someone was looking at me. My mind is on several things that are painful.
Tommy's not here... he can't call me, he can't come to see me. It's Christmas Eve... many families are coming from all over to gather by the fireplace, or the big dining table, or in restaurants, or, just in the family home.
Happiness to see everyone, excitement for the presents they know they'll receive from their loved ones... it doesn't matter 'what the presents are'... it'll be special no matter what... because it is from a loved one.
When we are out, I look 'into your life as you pass me by'... I see fathers reared back on the passenger side of the vehicles, proud to let their sons drive them around.
I see mothers and daughters running here, there... to find presents for the grandchildren, and family. Laughter, excitement in the air. Christmas! It's Christmas! Santa Claus is coming! They have their whole families to look forward to... no one special is missing.
I'm so happy for them, I feel the happiness as long as I'm near... but, as I move away... it's like walking away from a cheerful, crackling fire in the fireplace... I began to be sad, become cold, feel the pain in my heart, body, soul.
I try to be cheerful, I try to be happy... it doesn't last long at a time. Tommy is on my mind, in the back of my mind... no matter what I do.
I feel all kinds of emotions from anger, sadness, pure grief that ... he died, he's not coming back. My son isn't going to be doing 'son things' at Christmas time. We aren't going to have a family Christmas.
It's going to be a Skip & Gloria & Pups' Christmas here in our home. It's not going to be the happiest, yet... it is. Because Skip 'could have not been here'... I'm so thankful he is.
I'm not the only one who misses Tommy... Skip misses Tommy with his heart. He was Skip's best friend, also.
Chadwick loved Tommy, he knew Tommy. Kissy didn't ever know Tommy... he was born November 02, 2010.... Tommy's birthday was November 20... isn't it amazing with the birth date? Also, he was born several months after Tommy died... 2010.
Myself... I'm sad because once again... it's Christmas without Tommy. I'll begin another year... without my son. This is 'just a story to you about a grieving mother'... so, you don't have to feel sad when you read. To me... 'here' ... is where I come to write out the pain... it's the only outlet I have.
With my heart, I wish all of you the most special Christmas of your life ... don't be sad for me ... 'I'm just a story you read', one that you can put down, go on with your life.
It can give you a chance to 'see' what it's like 'if' .... your special one is gone... who knows? Maybe you can feel my pain enough ... to make a good difference in your life.
Hug your loved ones, your children ... while you can... we don't ever know what life holds for us.
I would have never known my life held an empty place in it when I became older... an empty place left from my only child who died... an empty place until the day ... I die.
Don't think that it 'can't happen to me'... I softly say to you, "yes, it really can ... happen to you." I've lost almost every member of my family ... "yes, it really ... can."
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Tommy's Box that sits inside Tommy's Chest... the contents of this box are my very last moments with my son. This box hurts me more than anything in this world... this box was in my mind as I wrote the poetry below......
The Christmas ornament I felt I needed to get to put on our Little Christmas Tree... we never had a little Christmas Tree until after Tommy died. The Christmas Angel ornament was given to me by his wife after Tommy died... I can't remember her giving it to me... but, somehow I 'know' she gave it to me.
When Tommy died ... it crushed our world, we still feel the aftermath of it all... life can never be the same with him gone. These are things that one day Taban will want ... he'll see photos of his daddy, hopefully read my blog... he will know he wants to come to his daddy's mama... I have things for him, can tell him things about his father... that no one else can.
I don't mention my granddaughter because she's never shown interest in her father, us. I've never just talked to her by phone. I've always updated our address, phone numbers... we don't live far from either grandchild. We don't force ourselves on anyone... we are ... just here.
Taban was very close to his daddy, he was in the stage of 'wanting to be like daddy' when Tommy died. There's a country song, something with 'buck-a-roo, I want to be just like you'... I'm not good at remembering songs... this song touched my heart and I used to tell Tommy that the song made me think of him, and Taban. Tommy would get tears in his eyes... he loved Taban with his very heart... Taban loved him back... he wanted his daddy's love.
Anyway, that song ... makes me cry if I hear it... maybe that's 'why' I can't remember the name of it when I want to. I would love to have it to put in Taban's Chest. I would love to have the song 'Rhinestone Cowboy' to put in Tommy's Chest... when Tommy was a little boy, that was his favorite song (that, and the silly song 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia' :))).
It'll Be Christmas Again ... Without Tommy
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
As I laid there, I tossed, I turned
My thoughts were like hot water
Burning me here, burning me there
I could not lay in any one position long
Let me get up, come to my keyboard
Type out the thoughts that are torturing me
I stand in my mind's Memory Hallway
Looking at the many doors on either side
I see the floors ... waxed, shining
With a soft, golden glow
The walls are a neutral color
So, I can add any color in my mind I want
The hall is lit with many tiny lights
It's not a scary place, just only beyond certain doors
The lights remind me of the Light In The Bottle
That our friend, Cindy, made for us
In fact, at this very moment, I'm changing all the lights
To Bottles Of Light to softly light my path
As I float down my mind's Memory Hallway
That's better, for it truly comforts me
There are special chests on each side of the hall
Funny, I try not to ever see them
They are Memory Chests, ones I try to avoid
For the pain, grief I can't bear
I try not to open the lids to the Memory Chests
I have replicas here in the physical world
Of three of those chests in my Memory Hallway
My mom, my brother, my... son
I did something yesterday I didn't know I was going to do
I opened Tommy's Chest, my son's chest
I felt I had to have the Christmas/Angel ornament
Holding his photo... I wanted it for our little Christmas Tree
There were things in there that I held in my hand
I held to my heart... I held to my face
My tears fell on them, absorbed into the cloth
My Mother's Tears for my only child, my son... Tommy
I looked at the green plastic Tommy's Box sitting in the chest
My mind 'knew' what was in that box
Photos of another Box that Tommy laid in
Just as his Last Photos lay in... this Tommy Box
These are the thoughts torturing me this morning
I can't sleep, I couldn't just lay there
I had to sit me up, walk me here to my keyboard
To get relief from all going round, round in my head
In my mind I could see a cloud of pure, white, thick cotton
Fluffing around Tommy's Box, until I couldn't see it anymore
I saw it going back into Tommy's Chest, the lid close
On the memory of what my eyes saw yesterday.. when I opened it
This happened in my mind... but, here in my physical world
There's no pure, white, thick cotton to wrap Tommy's Box in
It sits in Tommy's Chest, all one has to do is to open the lid
Easy to take out, easy to open, but... not easy to look at
The contents of Tommy's Box is the closest to 'being back'
Back to very moment standing there looking at my son
With shock, disbelief, numbness in my heart, my body
Looking at my son, not believing it was him... laying there
The contents of Tommy's Box are of the Last Moments
This Mother spent with her son, not talking, not laughing
As we always did... he didn't say a word to me
My words to him were in my mind as I stood there looking at him
Through eyes filled with tears, the worst pain I'd ever known
I could see him, I couldn't see him, I wanted to see him, I didn't
I wanted to see him moving, talking, laughing... but, I ... didn't
Silence... my son lay there not moving, talking, laughing
He ... just lay there, he wasn't ... anymore
His very essence had left his body ... to where did it go?
Where did you go, Tommy... where did you go?
Why can't I feel you anymore as I stand there?
Questions in a grieving mother's mind
That will never be answered
That's 'why' this grieving mother is always looking
To see Tommy if something unusual happens
She knows anything is possible
Why, you might ask
Because... through time miracles happen, strange things happen
This mother has seen a lot of them through time... she believes, she 'knows'
Thoughts, visions in my mind of the contents of Tommy's Box
Were burning me this morning, as I tried to lay in bed, go to sleep
I had to sit me up, come to my keyboard
To look for comfort, to tell someone without saying a word, I don't want to wake Skip, the Pups
I look at my body in my mind, all the scars... lots old, some new
I see many places my thoughts burned, scars will be left
Here, in my physical world... you can't see a thing
But... a smile ... you don't have to be burdened with my grief
I'm so thankful to be able to come here
To write, to talk ... you who read, choose to
Choose to listen to my soul's pain, my cries
To feel what it feels like... to be a Mother Who Grieves
I pray that it never happens to you
Only ... here ... will you see, feel this kind of pain
Because... our children are supposed to outlive us
Most likely, your children will always be there for you
My only child won't be there for me
His two children won't be there for me
I only have Skip, our Pups, our Friends
I have You, here... to comfort, care for me
To read, to listen to this pain
That builds up inside me, no where to go
But... here ... in my written words
To be read by those who care, are curious, want to know
What it's like to Lose A Child
How it feels to be a Grieving Mother
Without experiencing these things yourself in real life
My prayers are that you never do... my prayers are good wishes for you... I care
It's Christmas again without Tommy
The third Christmas he is gone
I know that all the Christmases left in my life
It'll be Christmas again... without Tommy
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Skip and Gloria ... Soul Mates... 1983... Taken in St. Augustine, Florida...
Soul Mates... Beauty Fades Just As A Rose
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I search in the mirror for myself
Only to see now... an older person
I have grieved for the person I used to be
For my youth that is forever gone
One might say that once I was vain
I guess one might be right in a sense
Because no one else did, I began to love myself
As I did, I became beautiful, special
When I did that, Skip came along
He was handsome, we complimented each other
We were tit for tat
Soul mates, lovers, best friends... forever
Skip and Gloria... always
We grow old together to the end of time
Hand in hand, hearts beat as one
Our youth, beauty fades just as a rose
Until one day, we are old
I still hope someone will see a glimpse of us
'back in the day' beneath the surface
Know that 'we used to be pretty', too
It's your turn now, to shine with your youth
Enjoy it for all it's worth
Because one day you'll be searching in the mirror
As I do... trying to find a glimpse of the real 'you', too!
Friday, December 21, 2012
This Was Nice! It Was Nice To Meet You, Josh! :)))
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Skip and I went to Dunkin Donuts this morning. We decided to sit at the counter to enjoy our donuts, coffee. Truthfully... on a very windy, cold morning there's nothing better! So comforting, so good! So........ happy!
While we sat at the counter, I noticed a young man sitting near us, just across from us at the counter. He was reading a news- paper. I don't know why... he reminded me of ... Tommy. About the same age, and he just seemed to have 'that kindness around him' like Tommy had.
Skip spoke to him, soon we were both talking to him. We all had a common bond... driving a truck. He said he was a truck driver... just like Tommy was a truck driver. We told him about Tommy driving, who for, so on.
Another gentleman came to sit next to the young man, I felt he was a very kind person, soon I spoke to him. He had the kindest smile. I wanted to talk to him... I didn't know what to say, but, I did wish him a nice Christmas before we left. Have you ever seen someone you wished to speak to... but, you didn't know what to say? I could smile, though!
We talked to Josh, we learned his name while talking. I told him that he reminded me of Tommy. As we sat there, in my mind I could imagine Tommy meeting people like us, while traveling. He would have talked to us, just as this young man did. Somehow, it comforted me... you all know how sad I've been, how I miss my son.
I wanted to cry... because Tommy would have treated us just like this young man did. He made us feel good inside for having met him. I imagined Tommy making other people like us... feel happy for having met him, too.
Josh, it was really very nice to meet you. I hope to see you here soon, visiting my blog. Thank you for making us feel happy for having met you, this morning. :))) I felt for a short time that somehow... through you, I saw my son for a few minutes.
I looked around as Skip and Josh talked. I listened to the happy sounds in the donut shop. The waitresses were jolly, and one was gently teasing an elderly man, making him smile. I smiled inside, watching. I love to see kindness happening around me.
Don't you agree that there's something magical about a donut shop that draws people together on a day when the weather is stormy, wintery, snowy?
There's something comforting sitting there, elbow to elbow... drinking wonderful, hot cups of coffee (my favorite is Dunkin' Donut coffee!), eating donuts. There's something comforting about the aroma of coffee brewing, doughnuts being made... seeing all the different kinds on display.
For the time we were there, I was aware of all of this, as we talked to Josh. Skip and I shook his hand when it came time to leave, wished him a nice Christmas.
As we were getting ready to go out the door, we spotted Grover, the owner, Skip's friend. We spoke to him just for a moment as he was busy making more doughnuts! :)))
As we walked out of the donut shop, Skip said, "this was nice." I agreed with him. I turned to look back inside through the big window, I waved.... no one saw me as they talked, smiled at each other. That was okay... I believe more people may have left after us... thinking the same. This was... nice!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I'm Not An ... Angel
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
She was shuffling along slowly
I knew each step was filled with pain
She mumbled to herself
As she shuffled along
I watched to see if she was alone
She was a stranger, yet I worried for her
I was there, she didn't know I was
I was ready to help if she needed me
The elderly lady shuffled by me
As I sat at the table, she looked at me
Our eyes met, I smiled softly at her
Her lips began to widen into a smile for me
The feeling of happiness came over me
A warmth filled my heart
All from an elderly woman
As she shuffled past my world ... in her world
Our worlds didn't connect
There was no need for me
I was there, my purpose was a smile
I was rewarded with a smile back
Maybe her purpose there
Was a smile, and she was rewarded
When she smiled at me
Either way, our moment meeting was special
We only connected in a spiritual way
No words were needed
Only our eyes met, our lips smiled
To cause such a beautiful emotion inside
As she shuffled past, I looked at her back
I thought to myself
That could be me some day
I would hope someone would smile, watch for me, too
I said a prayer for her in my mind
I imagined a golden circle of protection around her
To follow her wherever she may go
To keep her safe from harm, protect her always
Imagine if each person did this to every person they saw
Someone would always have the back of the other
We'd all be watching over, protecting the other
Without words, without letting the other know
We'd never be afraid to walk anywhere
Ever again, we'd know we were safe
We would not have to guard our backs
Everyone we passed we could trust with our lives to
On our way, we'd do the same
Watch over, protect everyone we see
Strangers, loved ones alike
Without a word, just be there.. like an angel
I wish I was an living angel
Have the power to save the world
Heal the sick, keep everyone from harm
I would do it all with a smile... as I passed your world, their world...
Alas, I'm not an angel, nor pretend to be
I'm just a human just like you are
My world passes your world on my way
To live my life... just as you do yours
I would jump in to help you if I saw you stumble
I would help you up if you fell
I would hold your hand if you cried
I would care for you, even if you are a stranger
I would cry, have cried for many of you
When something sad, bad has touched your life
My heart feels everything, it's so big
It's known such pain in its time
You are not alone, I am here
I can care for you with my heart
Watch your back, be ready to catch you
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
The Test That Could Save Your Life ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
We hurried to get ready for the appointment this morning. I didn't want anything to stop us this time. Last time, when we got there... he went through the needles, pain... only at the last minute before being put to sleep... all was stopped.
The nurse saw something on the monitor to disturb her. She told them that she didn't feel comfortable with him being put to sleep. He was going to have to go to the cardiologist before they could carry out the procedure at another time.
Thank-goodness for that nurse from Duke Hospital. The doctor agreed with her, saying that he could suffer a stroke, or 'worse'...
Several days later, he did suffer a mild stroke, he did end up in the hospital, he almost.......... he was in really bad shape. His wife was so, afraid.... of losing him. He and her Pups are all she has in this big, old world.
He made it, he got better over time. She re-scheduled this appointment again. Oh my... it went smoothly from the time they arrived. The procedure was carried out in a short time, soon Skip was waking up in the recovery area.
I walked to his bed where he laid smiling. He asked me was it already over? It was so fast!
There were some 'embarrassing, comical' moments, but... like the nurse said, "this is the most socially acceptable place to come to ... pass gas!"
She said it was 'music to their ears' when that happened... because air is pumped into one's colon... it has to come out. One has to 'let the air come out'... before they can leave. It's all part of the procedure.
Skip finally had his long over-due colonoscopy... finally. Skip has had colon cancer in the past. He's very lucky to be here. We waited for the doctor to come in to speak with us to find out the results...
The doctor walked in smiling, saying "I found two, small baby polyps... they'll never grow to be adult polyps, because I got them! I'll see you in three years.
I can't tell you the relief I felt inside. Skip and I looked at each other, smiled. We both have worried...
I hope everyone will get a colonoscopy. We hear some people say they'll never get them because they would feel 'violated, too ashamed.' I would say to them... please change your mind.
I was there with Skip all through his surgery, treatments when he was diagnosed with colon cancer... if he'd had a colonoscopy in time... he could have prevented having colon cancer. Skip was very lucky.
When going for a colonoscopy, you are made comfortable. One doesn't have to worry about being embarrassed. It doesn't do anything to your 'manhood'... or 'womanhood'... it can save your life... keep you around for the very ones who love, need you. Oh... the actual procedure last about thirty minutes.
Skip said that a colonoscopy can really save your life... any polyps can be removed that could cause cancer, and it is painless, you are sedated. When you come to, you are back in the recovery room, and haven't felt a thing.
Skip said the worse part of getting a colonoscopy is the day prior to going for the procedure... is prepping for it. That involves fasting that day, drinking the solution... then, thirty-two ounces of water. You can guess what happens next... you 'do have to run' a whole lot... to the bathroom!
The following morning, you have to repeat drinking the solution, then, thirty-two ounces of water... run for the bathroom again for a while. This is the 'worst' part of the whole thing.... oh, Skip said he was waiting to 'eat something' afterwards, too!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Gift Of Love... (Photo by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee)
Prince And The Rock-Weiler...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Skip had one of the best night's sleep in some time. He woke up feeling refreshed, began to turn over in bed...
What in... the... world? He felt immediate pain in his right side! He didn't know what was wrong, but, whatever it was... it didn't feel right. It was lumpy, too big to be 'just laying' in the bed with him. It felt like a .........
About that time, Kissy stretched out on the bed. Now, you all know how big Mr. Kissy is... why, he is as long as a full-grown man when he stretches out.
When Kissy stretches, one needs to move out of the way. He will bop you in the eye, or in the stomach, or the back... it hurts! We call that 'big-footing'. We say, "I just got big-footed." Kissy did it!
"Oh, Kissy! I've just been big-footed!" Skip yelled out, "not only that, something is hurting my right side!"
Skip began the process of turning back over to sit up on the side of the bed... it's no easy feat on a king-size tempurpedic mattress.
In fact, it's very hard to do.... I'm ready to upgrade to a 'real' mattress... I sleep on the edge, so... I can get off easily. That's another story :))).
Skip grabs whatever it is that was hurting him in his right side, while holding his left eye.... sits up on the side of the bed. "I want you to look at this!" In his hand, he held a ....
I couldn't believe my eyes, my mind went immediately to the fairy tale about the princess and the pebble! How the princess could feel the pebble through all those mattresses! If she'd had what Skip had in his hand... she'd known it!
In the palm of Skip's hand lay a rock! Yes, a rock! You can see it in the photo at the top of this story! I put a happy flower (from a friend!) with its stem shaped into a heart .... and the rock inside it.... to reflect love. Kissy put that rock there for Skip out of love! Sometimes, love hurts! :)))
Sometimes... Kissy forgets he is a 'Rottweiler'... he becomes a 'Rock-weiler'... he loves to move rocks ... he'll bring the gift of a little rock in the house for us.
He is like us, people... sometimes... we are something else other than what we are..... example: coffeemaker! :)))
Monday, December 17, 2012
It Isn't Easy Being A Coffeemaker One Minute, A Human The Next!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I stood very still as boiling water rained over the ground up coffee beans in the filter I held. The water was as hot as hot could get.
I'm only the vessel the coffee goes through to get to the coffee pot. You pour the coffee into the cup, adding all your favorite things you love in coffee. Oh... the wonderful aroma!
I sit there as the coffee beans make a wonderful, soothing, comforting drink for you. I keep the coffee hot for you to come back to get cup after cup of the delicious drink.
Yesterday, my job was helped along.... someone took the coffee beans, put them in the grinder.. then, into a filter.
The filter was placed into my chamber.... instead of turning me on to do my thing... someone had boiled water hot as hot could be. They began pouring the very hot water into my chamber....
I sat there only holding the filter in place as the hot water was poured over the coffee slowly.... making the most delicious brew.
I thought I was a coffeemaker... to brew your coffee for you... for now, all I can do is... hold the filter in place, and keep the wonderful coffee hot for you.
The phone rang just now, it was Skip. He wanted to know if I needed something on his way home. I found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying...
I told him that it was hard to come out of being a coffeemaker back to a human.... so, I could know what he was saying! :)))
Of course, he said... "what!" :)))
For the moment, I am human ... again. :)))
Sunday, December 16, 2012
PRECIOUS PUPS !!!
BABY KISSY FAIRCHILD
Saturday, December 15, 2012
I Haven't Been Myself, Lately...
Don't Rub My Hair The Wrong Way!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
It felt like a physical wave rushing over me.... to blanket me... so heavy, so dark. I blinked my eyes, steadied myself where I stood. My eyes instantly filled with tears.
As I blinked my eyes, looked ahead of me... my eyes met the eyes of a woman who was standing in line opposite of me. She had a kind expression on her face... I felt she saw what happened to me.
Skip spoke to me, asked if I was okay. I looked up at him, feeling weak, faint. I could hear the Christmas music playing, I felt the overwhelming need to just lose control right there, break down, cry my heart out.
We were standing in line at Sam's Club, waiting to pay for the things we were purchasing. I had been smiling at a precious baby sitting in the shopping cart in front of us. I made a comment to the mother, she said "being a mother is the best thing in the world," it happened to me.
Something about that baby touched me deeply... maybe it was the way he tilted his little head to grin up at me, twinkle his sweet, baby eyes at me.... I'm not sure what it was... I didn't have time to think about it.
Unexpectedly... I was blanketed by darkness, a wave of pure grief. I just wanted to fall to the ground, weep. Something made me hold myself up... I didn't want to make a fool of myself. What is it that makes us get control of ourselves, when we just want to break down?
Skip recognized what was wrong. Lately, I really haven't been myself... I've really tried to be. I broke down yesterday when I was alone... I stood in the bedroom crying. Crying my heart out. Crying for Tommy, crying... knowing he isn't coming back.
It doesn't do any good for me to cry... so, I wonder why I do it. I have been feeling mad... yes, mad inside. Not an ugly mad, but... just simply mad that Tommy's not here. It doesn't change a thing, being mad won't bring my son back.
But... I still feel that way. I tell myself all these things... I can't stop the flow of emotions that threaten to overwhelm me at any time such as... today. I never know when it's going to happen...
A heavy, dark blanket... a wave of darkness from the sea of grief happens out of nowhere, blanketing me. The weight of it threatens to take me to the ground... somehow, I stay strong enough to hold myself up.
The combination of Christmas music, the precious baby sitting in the cart ahead of me.. his beautiful little smiles, twinkling eyes, his little baby sounds wove the blanket of grief that fell over me in an instant. Beautiful things made something so sad, happen to me.
Grief is a strange thing. You think you are doing good, grief happens in the blink of an eye... you aren't expecting it at all. For the past days, I've known that I wasn't myself. I still tried to be okay. I haven't been.....
I wonder about other mothers who grieve, is this how it happens to them? I have no idea of how grieving mothers are supposed to be at certain points in time. I just know that I'm not over grieving for my son.
I find myself deep in thought, feel tears on my cheeks often. My head feels awful... I feel like I want to go to sleep to escape my mind, the thoughts that fly through it.
This is today... tonight, the following day. It's been another really bad day for me. I have tried to not feel so tortured inside, so missing my son.
I've felt anger so much lately... I don't like feeling it. It burns my soul, my heart... I can't stand to carry that kind of heat around. It damages....
We left the house today, the radio was on in the pickup... a song was playing. I immediately felt like crying... the song was a song Tommy loved dearly as a little boy... Rhinestone Cowboy.
Grief, oh God, the terrible grief I carry inside my heart. This time of year it seems so much worse.
I went to get my hair trimmed today at the beauty salon. The hairdresser was going on, and on about all the family who would be coming in to stay at her home on Christmas. I sat there listening, hurting inside. She had her children, lots of family coming for Christmas!
I could see a picture inside my mind of all she was saying.... she was going to make an elaborate cake, she'd just bought a 'L' shaped sofa, some of the family could sleep on it... but, she couldn't let anyone have her bed.
She was so excited, her eyes were shining with happiness as I looked into the mirror in front of us. I smiled to myself, I was happy for her.
At first, I wouldn't look in the mirror to see her happiness, I couldn't... my eyes looked down to the floor. I love to see people happy, my eyes had to look, it touched my heart. I needed it.
Sadness, grief, pain, anger is making me a bad person to be around. I don't like me at all lately. If I could ... I would step out of my body... until I acted like I should. I can't stand 'me'... right now.
I can say our happy spot in the day was this evening when we saw our friends, got to talk to them for a little while. It instantly made me feel happy, feel better inside.
They are our neighbors, we think a lot of them. Their smiles were contagious... soon, I was smiling the first smile I'd smiled all day. The rest of the evening was brighter for seeing them. Oh... she gave us a raisin pie she'd made ... we ate some at supper. It was very good.
As we ate supper tonight, both Skip and I agreed that seeing them made us feel good. It did us so much good, to laugh, talk with them.
I've been so sad, depressed, grieving, angry... it has affected both Skip and I. I have to 'get hold of myself.' I make him sad....
Isn't it awful when one is trapped inside their minds, bodies when they wish to escape all the mental anguish they are feeling? We can't just simply put that part of us up...
I think the worst is 'anger'. That's the part I don't like to feel. I want to get away from my own self... I can't stand it.
Here's hoping tomorrow will be better... I will get up again to battle this grief inside me, hopefully not let it affect anyone else.
Grief.... is an awful emotion. Do you know, I wish so much to have my own son back? Today... my thoughts were on his last day... did he fall down that day... did he say anything about feeling bad... did he sense he would die that evening? Did anyone notice anything?
These thoughts, more thoughts come whether I like for them to ...or not. I can't stop them. I'm a mother.... rather... I wonder if I should say.... 'I used to be a mother?' At the moment, I don't know what I am.......
I sit here in the dark, the only light in the room is from my computer monitor. I listen to the soft music from the stereo in Skip's study.
I put my elbows on my desk, my head into my hands... I close my eyes hard, my cheeks are wet. I rub my forehead back, forwards in my hands, rub my eyes.... soon, I will lay down to rest my mind, my soul, my body.
The darnest thought pops up in my mind... it's really funny now. It wasn't earlier today.... I don't know 'why I didn't stop it from happening'........
When I was at the beauty salon today, the hairdresser wet my hair to trim it. When she finished trimming it, she picked up the blowdryer, began using it to dry my hair as she used her brush.
I began to look at the floor, I didn't let her see my eyes. I was getting very mad... she was 'rubbing my hair the wrong way'..... she made every hair on my head ........................... straight!!! That's not 'me' at all! I don't have straight hair!
Soon, she turned that blowdryer off... she was finished. As she began taking the cape off my shoulders, I raised my eyes up to look in the mirror......................................... I was some kind of mad!
I'm so glad I smiled at her, got up, went to the register to pay her. I never let her know that she 'rubbed my hair the wrong way.' That evening when we got home I found that she trimmed my hair .... perfectly... exactly the way I wanted it to be trimmed.
When we left the beauty salon, I wouldn't go into any store looking like that! I couldn't rest until we got home, I went straight to the shower.... washed my hair... the whole time fuming that 'I don't have straight hair!' I couldn't rest until it was ... curly again!
I scrunched my hair up with both hands as I dried it... and my own curls began showing up... I began feeling like 'me' again. Even my whole state of mind was better.
Skip couldn't believe I didn't stop the hairdresser from making my hair straight! I can't believe I didn't.... I just haven't been 'myself' lately, or I would have told her, "don't rub my hair the wrong way!"
Tommy used to like to take his hand (he was so much taller than I).... and rub my hair, mess it up on top of my head!
I think it just strange that she did that.... she messed up my hair, made it all flat, straight. It was awful, just awful!
I know if Tommy could... he would helped her to do that! :))) I remember how he used to grin when he'd do that.... he wanted to see 'his mama fuss!' I did!
See... I know that I am going through a bad time, and I get very upset, depressed, cry.... I, also, know that I'm going to get through this. It will take a little time ... everything will be all right again.
It's like falling down, as soon as I can get up once again... everything will be all right. :))) It's just taking some time to get back up.... right now.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
'LIGHT IN A BOTTLE' Lamp made for Skip and I by a special friend.... I named it this as soon as I plugged it in.... it instantly comforted me.... I treasure this lamp. Thank you, Cindy.
Light In A Bottle...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee
We were given a special Christmas present
That instantly brought such unexpected comfort
To this grieving heart of mine
I instantly named it Light In A Bottle
This special light will help to chase the darkness away
Where it's needed to warm my soul, light up my path
I can't believe the comfort it brought to me
This evening when I first turned it on
I know now, this light will be turned on often
I can sit, look at it all I want to
Touch the glowing stones
Let the light fill me up inside
This little light has been captured
Inside this bottle for us when we need it
Comfort from light in a bottle
Thank you, dear friend
You don't know how much this means
To have this bottle with the light inside
Light, wonderful light
That glows, and glows
To warm my heart, to warm my soul
All I have to do is to plug it in
At any time I feel I need it
To shine the light to warm my soul, light my way
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/gbb
I Bet You Magic Could Happen ... I'm Just A Darn Human!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I don't know if this is good or bad, but... I don't just think of 'me' at all. While I'm trying not to dwell on the different pains I suffer in my life... my mind goes to this person, that person.
I think about the pain in your life, the things you shared with me... whether it be in person, commenting on my blogs, emailing me, writing me.
My heart feels another pain in it.... 'your pain' that I felt when reading/listening to your words. Because.... my heart cares, because I can't help it. This is another one of those 'whys'.... that aren't ever answered. Why do I care so much?
I can grieve for the bad things that happen in your life. It pulls at my protective instincts to wish I could do something to keep things in your life from hurting you anymore.
Do you remember how when you are younger, you just know you are going to 'save the world', you will protect everyone you love, care about? Remember how you would fight for every 'underdog?' Remember....... ??? Why would you want to remember?
Because... suppose we all could have went on to really save the world (I mean 'every person, every animal').... we all could have protected everyone we loved, took every underdog under our wing...... wouldn't this whole world be completely different? Wouldn't it be filled with love instead of hate, anger, cruelty?
Because... if you are like me, really wanted to do these things, really thought you were going to... then, as you grew up... you realized that you, as one person can't do but, so much. So what happens when you realize this?
You begin to hurt deeply for the world you meant to save, for the people you love... you couldn't keep painful things away from them, you couldn't protect every underdog.
You begin to cry inside for them, feel their pain, your pain because you aren't big enough, strong enough to help ...everyone. You do good taking care of your own.
Because ... it takes money, love, time, caring a lot of times to help others, you can't possibly help 'everybody', because you are only one person. It takes one after the other 'to form the links in a chain'... that goes 'forever'.................
So, what happens... we have to turn our heads, close our eyes to others' pain, not see when they are hungry, someone mistreating them, hurting them. I have to do this so, I can live... so, I can bear this kind of pain for ... some of you.
What do you do? You always have in back of your mind as you live with your own pains in your own life, cope with your own life .......... the lives of others who go through the same, or go through worse, or go through even more... worse.
The whole world is in pain... and it affects my heart... I cry inside. I have at times... almost wished not to live with such... pain. I feel it so much ...inside 'me'.... outside 'me'....
I cry inside for you, everyone... animals... every living being. Why am I like this? Why do I even care about people, animals? Why do I have to turn my head, close my ears, shut my eyes sometimes? I can't bear the pain that I can't prevent... all I can do is... care.
I feel, I listen with my heart to you when you write to me, tell me what your life is about. I'm honored that you share with me the things you have... I feel special. I feel you know I care with my very heart... or you wouldn't have bothered. I hope you will always share, write to me. I love hearing from you... everyone.
My message to you is that I want you to know that this one person, Granny Gee/Gloria Faye Brown Bates..... would make all the pain go out of your heart, life, if it were anyway possible. You would never know pain again... I know how it feels.. it hurts too bad.
I would put a protective golden ring of light around you... wherever you went in life, you'd be protected. Every underdog would never have to be afraid to be themselves, they could walk knowing they are safe, protected.
The strange thing is that I would also, be this way toward my 'enemies'. I would care about them, too.
I just wanted you all to know this. Why would you want to know this?
Because ... I wanted you to know that all you've shared/will share with me is important to me. I honestly care, I keep you in my prayers, I want good things to happen to you, in your life.
Because ... if I could I would make sure your life was a good one, no one would hurt you again.
In my mind I imagine a golden ring of light around each of you who have come into my life... I imagine this around all my loved ones, too. I pray that this golden ring of light protects you from harm, from pain, leads you toward the good things in life, only good things ... touch your life.
Do I sound like I'm dreaming? Do I sound silly? What do you think would happen if we all began to think like that, imagine like that? I bet you ... magic would happen!
Our minds are very powerful... our thoughts can change things. We forget that, I forget that. Why? Because I know I'm not perfect... and I act just like a human. Why? Because... that's what I am ... a darn human!
I wish I were magic! I wish I could make dreams come true, put millions of smiles on many faces... I can see it now! I can look out over the whole world... I see only bright light!
The light is reflecting from every face in the world until I can't see any one person's features! Why? Because the light is too bright... from wonderful happiness! If Granny Gee could do that, she'd be for real, magic! Good magic!
Smile, laugh ... pretend for a moment, pretend I'm not in a state of wishful thinking ... pretend for a moment that I made something beautiful happen in your life. Can you close your eyes, feel that wonderful thing?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could do that? Can you see now, what I would do... if I had the power to? Now... I hope that what you saw comes true... it will be because you attracted it to yourself with positive thoughts! That's magic! Our thoughts are powerful, magic, special........
I sit here in the golden ring of light I imagine around me, also. I am thinking about you all this morning. I always think of so many of you who have entered my life since I began writing ... do you know how I treasure every one of you?
You make me feel like I'm someone special, you make my writing have meaning when you read... no matter if it's silly :))), serious, painful. You have become so important to me. Why?
Because ... you care enough to read all these words I write! I write lots of them! It means the world to me that you do! :)))
You care enough to comment a lot, you email me about you... I love it. That's just special! (Tommy used to smile... because when I used the words 'that's just special'... he knew something had touched my heart... and he 'knew' when I would be saying them :))
I wish I could say that I'm positive all the time in my thinking. I can't say that honestly. Life sometimes, overwhelms me making me think negatively... forgetting that when I 'fill myself up with good thoughts'.... good things happen in my life.
See, I forget what I told you.... our thoughts are very powerful. I forget.... to think good things when life pulls me down. I forget because ...... I'm just a darn human ...... and when I think in a positive way ... magic happens!
If we all thought in such a wonderful way... I bet you magic would happen!