Our Little Christmas Tree... Christmas 2012
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Today has been a very quiet day
I hear the wind chimes as a breeze blows through them
Ringing softly in the golden sunshine of the day
Several times I felt I would cry, but, I didn't
Instead... I looked out over the treetops
Up to the sky, thinking of someone I'm missing
I listen to the Christmas music coming from the stereo
In the background... Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
My head moves in rhythm to the happy music
All at the same time I'm blending sadness, happiness
To bittersweet ... just as my thoughts are today
Today is Christmas Day ... Skip, Pups, myself
I'm so thankful to have ... the four of us
Still, there's such sadness in my heart
As you embrace your son, I miss mine
I sit here, imagine all the happy smiles on mothers' faces
I even smile at a memory of myself as a happy mother
My smile goes away, because it is just a memory
Tommy's gone, he's not here this Christmas Day
For a moment, my silent scream to God shatters
The quietness in my mind, shocking myself
Not only that, for a moment I feel
White, hot anger burst from my very soul
God, why did you take my son away
Why did he have to die, why?!!!
I'm angry, I'm so mad, I hate, I hate...
The tears begin to fall, hot ... scalding
I have to hide them quickly because I hear Skip coming
I hold my head down to my keyboard, engrossed in typing away
I can't let him see my grief, so pure ... so raw
I make the tears go away, I make a smile on my face
Don't upset Skip, I think
He's been down, too... he doesn't need more
Of this grief, stress ... things already on his mind
Straighten up, Gloria ... tomorrow Christmas will be gone
It's only New Year's Day left to go
Have you ever watched to see who makes it to the New Year
I wonder if I'll make it to year 2013
We never know until that moment comes, the clock strikes twelve
It'll be another year that Tommy has been gone
May 29, 2013.... it'll be three years
It seems so much longer, yet ... it seems like yesterday
I've been crying over him, missing him
Do you know ... I still can't believe Tommy's gone
I look at his photos ... he's still so real
Just like he could walk up and say... "hey, mom!"
I could say "Tommy, your ole mom loves you, I'm so glad to see you!"
But, I can't do that, he's not here
No matter what you say, I say
He's not here, he isn't coming back
I could cry until I died... he still wouldn't come back
I can ask 'all the whys in the world'
I'm never going to get an answer
It's like standing in front of the wall
kicking it, kicking the pure hell out of it
That damn wall isn't going to speak to me
No matter... how hard I kick it
It will never say anything, so asking 'why'
Is only a waste of time, waste of breath
Can you feel the anger that burns underneath
I feel it now... most of the time I don't
Why? does it wait to come out at certain times
Turning me into a volcano... almost ready to explode?
The guilt I feel from feeling this way
Like I'm feeling something so ugly, so mean
So, I don't want to feel this way at all
It's not how I really am, I feel ashamed
I just want to be me, be all right again
For now, I don't 'feel myself', I stay away
From people so, they can't see such a person I am for now
A sad, angry person who doesn't want to be that way
I will be all right soon, this has happened before
Somehow, I manage to get past such times
I'm working hard at getting to another place in my mind
To feel peace again, even if for a little while
You don't know this, I'm pretending I don't
I've been waiting ... waiting
Waiting for what, I pretend I don't know
Just in case it doesn't happen ... my heart will be ... protected
I am waiting to see ... waiting for what, I pretend I don't know
Waiting ... not thinking about.... 'what'.... at all
I'm waiting, not saying a word .... I'm not the only one
Pretending we don't know that we are... waiting for what... I don't know
I sit here quietly... I carry my cellphone close to my heart
Wishing, hoping to hear it ring
To tell me that soon... my wait will be over
Tell me who I've been waiting for ... I will soon see!
It doesn't ring to let me know what I pretend I'm not waiting for
So, it seems I'm waiting for nothing
It must be, because I'm waiting for what, I don't know
Merry Christmas, my little grandson ... Merry Christmas, my granddaughter
Love, Granny Gee (Christmas 2012)
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