Just Know That ... I Know You Are In The World, Too
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Do you know that as I write, I do something I read that one shouldn't do when writing? I think about others who go through their own hell, illnesses in their life.
I worry for them, I worry that they'll read my own grief, it affecting them. One can't truly write very well if they worry like this. I have to tell myself this lately, knowing that I still care ... very much. I know I'm not the only person in the world who goes through such.
As you read my stories, I hope you will know that I think of you, too... as I write, I have to 'let go of my thoughts', focus on my words so, I can write what I truly know best.
All I ask is for you to always keep in the back of your mind... that I'm not a self-centered person who thinks only of myself. Please keep that in mind when you read my words, they come from inside me about what I know to write ... best. If I tried to write about you... I would be false.
I read blogs of my blogging friends, I read emails, and comments. Your comforting words mean everything to me. I sense at times, my words have made you upset because of touching something deep inside you. I don't want my words to hurt you, though... I know they will... if you read them. They are 'real.'
I'm aware that some of you ... are like me. I'm aware that some of you have serious illnesses. I'm aware... that some of you have loved ones who are deathly ill. Oh, God ...how I care for you all. A lot of us walk in our own 'private hells'. I know how 'so much' feels, as I've experienced so much in my own world.
I've thought about maybe should I just stop writing? Should I go on, not care about you? I can't do that. I do care with my very heart, I can't stop writing ... I have to write. I have to care about you, too.... it's a part of me... Gloria/Granny Gee.
For the moment, I am talking to all of you ... I know you will sense that I'm talking to you, and you, and you.......... just know I care deeply, I shed tears when I 'feel' your words in your blogs, emails, comments... when I read them.
Just know that I know the world isn't all about 'me.' It may sound like that while I write ... for the moment when I write about 'me', it is. I have to write what I know... that's what my blog is about.
My blog is about a grieving mother, myself. It's about my son, Tommy, whom I'm never going to forget ... I'm going to always remember him with my words. It's about me, Granny Gee/Gloria's life. It's going to always be that ... I'm going to always have 'ups, downs' in my life.
I don't write to feel sorry for myself ... I've never felt sorry for myself. I'm too much the fighter to waste time doing that. If I did that, I'd just lay back, never do anything again... no, that's not 'me.'
I don't need attention with my writing ... if you read my stories, give me attention... it's because you choose to. I will write .... regardless. Even if no one read my stories, I would have to write ... I am driven to write, the memory of my son, the pain ... be it mental, physical, is ... my very fuel.
I once had a dear friend whom for twelve years I wrote to every day, several times a day... she did the same. When she died, I can't tell you the grief I felt for her. I found that I couldn't just quit writing, I felt like I was dying inside if I quit writing. So, I, not only write in memory of Tommy, my pain, I write in memory of Lena, my dearest friend... she is a part of that fuel that drives me.
Just know ... all of you ... my friends, my readers, my followers ... that I do care about you, I feel for you with my very heart. Just know that ... I know 'you' .... are in the world, too.
Love, Granny Gee/aka Gloria Faye Brown Bates
Everyone knows how much you care. We don't think you are a self centred person at all. We read because we love your stories, sad or happy.
ReplyDeleteI feel someone has made a comment to make you feel like this. I know this is a very sad time for you, but this is something more. If someone has upset you with what they have said please ignore them. Those that love you will continue to read, for a long time yet I hope.
Love Mary ♥
Mary, you see so much. There have been comments that touched my heart, made me worry about other people. There's one beautiful person who told me this most likely is her last Christmas... it made me cry.
DeleteEvery time I've written, I've thought of her, and several other people... knowing that they may read what I wrote, it might make them cry. I didn't want to make them cry. I began thinking maybe I should stop writing if it makes people hurt... but, deep inside, I can't stop writing... I,also, can't stop caring.
She reads about my grief for Tommy ... she is thinking of how her loved ones will grieve for her. She didn't know that's what my blog is about ... a mother who grieves, writing exactly what happens when it does, describing those feelings without pretty words.
She understands now, and I understand when I read her blog... Mary, she is very sick, it breaks my heart. I feel deeply for her. I wish I could make everything all right for her.
She couldn't understand that I couldn't move on, there were other people all over the world that things happen to, and such. I understood exactly what she meant. She understands now, that my grief is 'why' my blog was began at all. That's what my blog is about.
I had to write the letter above to the ones who are going through so much... I had to let them know that I'm thinking of them... let them know I'm not a selfish person who thinks only of my feelings.
I'm thankful to say that so far, the ones I worried about have written to me. I had to find this peace of mind, I had to let them know... because they didn't... they weren't there at the beginning of my blog.
Now, they don't see this lady who whines and cries about the loss of her son, won't move on, and all she does is sits, writes her slobbery, crybaby words, thinks only of herself, her feelings, just wants attention. I'm not like that at all.
Mary, you are most special to me. When I read your words... they meant the very world to me. I'm so glad you are there, you've touched my life so much since Tommy has been gone. You've always been there.
Love, Gloria/Granny Gee
Gloria, writing is a massive help during grief of any kind, so you just keep on writing about what you ever feel for!Don’t apologize – you haven’t done anything wrong.
ReplyDeleteViveka, I think I lost my reply to you as I was writing it. I will write again.
DeleteYour kind words mean a lot to me. I had to write this letter to everyone because I couldn't stop worrying, my heart feels so much.
Some people who haven't been with me since I began my blog didn't understand that this is what my blog is about... it isn't a place for me to sit, cry, whine and feel sorry for myself, think no one else has problems.
It is where I come to write 'pure grief', describe it in real words.
It's where I come to remember my son, my loved ones, it's where I tell about Granny Gee, Tommy... it will be the only way one day probably my grandchildren, Tommy's children will ever know us.
I had to write my letter to everyone so, they could know that's 'why' I write... that's the essence of my blog... grief, pain, love, anger, abuse, lots more love anyway :)))...
I write what 'I know best'. I write about struggling to be a better person, trying to learn from all that touches my life, I write about not being the perfect person ( I wish I could be! I tried for several years, it didn't work out! :)))
I'm glad you understand, Viveka. I hope everyone will. Love, Gloria/Granny Gee