Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Friday, December 28, 2012
I Begin My Day For ... The Second Time Today
(Bottle of Light... is what I have named this special gift to Skip and I, from our friend, Cindy. Cindy, you don't know how comforting, how much this lamp you made means to me. I love it. See how soft, beautiful, calming the light reflects out... all around. I swear there's something ... magical about it! My mind begins to daydream..... :))) Granny Gee/Gloria)
I Begin My Day For ... The Second Time, Today
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I went to my dresser, opened the drawer. I took out a fluffy, gray over-sized sweat shirt that has red, white Santa Claus faces on it. I, also, took out matching gray sweat pants. Out of the top drawer, I found matching socks. I wanted to be cozy, I wanted to warm my body, soul, heart. I felt so cold.
I went into the bathroom, instead of turning on the shower, I adjusted the water to very warm water. I flipped the little knob to seal the water in the tub. It began to fill up with warm water, as it filled, I poured bath oil beads into the water. I stood there smelling the beautiful fragrance that began to waft up into the air.
I took my clothes off, folded them neatly... I had just put them on several hours before, when I took my morning shower. I would wear them another time, they were clean. I felt so ... cold.
The cold felt deeper than the chills one gets when being outside in the weather. It's a chill ... deeper than deep. It has to do with grieving, only anyone who grieves, or has gone through the process... will know what I speak of. It's a scary, panicky sort of feeling ... because you think you can't bear to think about your loved one being gone ... forever.
I stepped into the hot tub of water, the water still running to fill it up. I love to hear water running. I spread the little pile of bath oil beads with my hand so, they could dissolve with the water, the fragrance float up on the steam to my face. I close my eyes, think how heavenly that smells... I pretend I'm in a pool at the bottom of a waterfall on a warm, summer day.
I can hear the birds singing, the wind blowing in the treetops as I splash the warm water on my skin. It's beautiful here, The water is so clear, the warmth of it gradually seeping into my body... I even hear wind chimes ringing somewhere in the distance....
I open my eyes to look around me, enjoy the scenery. I can see colorful birds I don't know the names of ... sitting on the branches of trees. Some make their bird sounds, maybe they are singing a song ... just for me.
I see a big, beautiful rock in my pool of warm water, I hear the water rushing down to splash deep into it. I wade over to lean with my back against the rock, look up at the sky. My toes curl around the pure, white sand ... oh, how nice that feels.
My eyes see the beautiful blue of the sky, the pure, white, fluffy clouds. They drift downward to see the reflections of sunlight on the carpet of lush, green moss that covers the earth around my pool. So soft to step on, to wiggle my toes in.
I wonder where I am ... in another country, or in the mountains of my own country? I thought I saw a monkey swinging on a vine, another one right behind him. Mmmm-mm, could be that I'm somewhere I don't know the name of. That's all right ... it's my daydream ... I won't become lost in it ... I know where I am.
I am in this tub of very warm water filled almost to the top. I turned the knob to close the water off. I lay back, feeling my body relax... I begin to doze. Oh, Lord... how warm this water is, how the warmth goes deeper than deep. I fall asleep.
I hear the sound of a knock at the bathroom door. I recognize it... it's Kissy knocking at the door, he doesn't like for it to be closed. I think Kissy worries for me, sometimes. How do we know that our Pups don't?
I sit up in the tub, take the soft, fluffy, yellow bathcloth in my hand. I lather it up with a generous amount of body wash ... oh, how nice it smells. I make suds, lots of suds on my body, in the warm water. Heaven, that's what it is... lots of white bubbles, sudsy, hot water.... I love bubbles, sudsy water. I love the special scent that floats up to my nose.
Finally, I know it's time to come back to the real world where I left my pain. Pain from grief, sorrow... physical pain. I don't want to pick it back up to carry the load again... as I move around to dry my warm body off, with a big, soft, matching yellow towel ... it begins to follow me, I can't leave it behind.
I dress, brush my hair, brush my teeth for the second time today. I spray my wonderful fragrance on my hands, rub my hands together, run my fingers through my hair. I love perfume in my hair, especially... my favorite perfume. I fluff my hair about my face. I'm ready to leave the bathroom to begin the day... for the second time, today.
Hopefully, beginning all over again ... I can have peace of mind. It seems the pain is a little less now... though, it still follows me just as a shadow does on a sunny day.
I'm ready to begin the day ... for the second time, today.