Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, December 24, 2012
"Yes, It Really ... Can"
"Yes, It Really ... Can"
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Christmas Eve morning began with tears, and a smile... laughing. Something touched my heart deeply, then... went to real life that just was so funny the way it was told.
I'm still smiling, I hope this smile will last the whole day through. I haven't smiled a lot lately, only if someone was looking at me. My mind is on several things that are painful.
Tommy's not here... he can't call me, he can't come to see me. It's Christmas Eve... many families are coming from all over to gather by the fireplace, or the big dining table, or in restaurants, or, just in the family home.
Happiness to see everyone, excitement for the presents they know they'll receive from their loved ones... it doesn't matter 'what the presents are'... it'll be special no matter what... because it is from a loved one.
When we are out, I look 'into your life as you pass me by'... I see fathers reared back on the passenger side of the vehicles, proud to let their sons drive them around.
I see mothers and daughters running here, there... to find presents for the grandchildren, and family. Laughter, excitement in the air. Christmas! It's Christmas! Santa Claus is coming! They have their whole families to look forward to... no one special is missing.
I'm so happy for them, I feel the happiness as long as I'm near... but, as I move away... it's like walking away from a cheerful, crackling fire in the fireplace... I began to be sad, become cold, feel the pain in my heart, body, soul.
I try to be cheerful, I try to be happy... it doesn't last long at a time. Tommy is on my mind, in the back of my mind... no matter what I do.
I feel all kinds of emotions from anger, sadness, pure grief that ... he died, he's not coming back. My son isn't going to be doing 'son things' at Christmas time. We aren't going to have a family Christmas.
It's going to be a Skip & Gloria & Pups' Christmas here in our home. It's not going to be the happiest, yet... it is. Because Skip 'could have not been here'... I'm so thankful he is.
I'm not the only one who misses Tommy... Skip misses Tommy with his heart. He was Skip's best friend, also.
Chadwick loved Tommy, he knew Tommy. Kissy didn't ever know Tommy... he was born November 02, 2010.... Tommy's birthday was November 20... isn't it amazing with the birth date? Also, he was born several months after Tommy died... 2010.
Myself... I'm sad because once again... it's Christmas without Tommy. I'll begin another year... without my son. This is 'just a story to you about a grieving mother'... so, you don't have to feel sad when you read. To me... 'here' ... is where I come to write out the pain... it's the only outlet I have.
With my heart, I wish all of you the most special Christmas of your life ... don't be sad for me ... 'I'm just a story you read', one that you can put down, go on with your life.
It can give you a chance to 'see' what it's like 'if' .... your special one is gone... who knows? Maybe you can feel my pain enough ... to make a good difference in your life.
Hug your loved ones, your children ... while you can... we don't ever know what life holds for us.
I would have never known my life held an empty place in it when I became older... an empty place left from my only child who died... an empty place until the day ... I die.
Don't think that it 'can't happen to me'... I softly say to you, "yes, it really can ... happen to you." I've lost almost every member of my family ... "yes, it really ... can."