Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I began writing on Facebook this morning ... this is what I wrote ... reality is in my words. I don't hide behind rose-colored glasses. I tell you just the way it is. If you don't like it ... then, you might have issues. Tommy used to say that ... I smile ... thinking of him. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
I don't know why ... but, this morning I have cried a lot. Doesn't seem to be an end to it.
Well, Skip just called, he won't be coming home today. He is hurting bad in his back ... he just came from having another CT scan. I pray there aren't any complications ... he was telling me what the doctor said ... 'what all it could be'.
I'll be leaving soon to go to the hospital. I wait long enough to take out a precious Pup for our friend, so she doesn't go all day without going outside. This way .. I know our Pups, Special Pup, and Skip are all fine. Skip is in good hands while I'm getting to the hospital. :) For me to feel peace of mind ... this is how it is.
All keeps going through my mind ... the bleeding, the nurses using all the strength they had to hold pressure on the hole in his groin area, seeing Skip's white lips ... he was holding back screaming for the pain .... his eyes kept looking up at mine ... and I couldn't take the pain away.
They put a device on him after 20 minutes holding the pressure on him ... to keep the pressure on his groin. It went on 'forever'. Even the morphine given ... didn't help Skip. It was almost too much for me. I am strong so, no matter what ... I'll only get stronger. My precious husband was in unbearable pain ... his eyes.
This doesn't normally happen (groin bleed from the main artery) when someone gets a heart catheterization so, someone facing getting one can know that. It is one of the things that can ... 'go wrong'. A person can bleed out in 7 minutes! When I had a heart catheterization ... I never had a problem.
Skip got to sit up last night, eat supper. He called me several times ... I can't tell you how happy that made me feel.
I think I worry if we'll ever get past all of this. I've come too far to give up now ... but, do you know what? I have been most tired, both mentally, physically.
I don't have anyone in this world I can talk to ... so, I come to my 'Gloria's Writing World' ... to write what I feel.
I don't know which way to turn ... so, I'll keep going straight instead of in circles. I am wondering if that's the right direction?
This is a morning of tears for me ... too much thinking, worrying ... I am completely over-whelmed.
This is just the way it is ... and I don't know what to do. All of you who have family, friends ... don't ever take for granted your powerful support system.
I promise you if you do, and it gets gone ... you will so overwhelmed when you don't have anyone to go to for help just to talk ... financially.
You will have all the people telling you 'if you need help ... just ask, knowing you would never stoop down to ... ask'.
In the past many years ago, I've said that 'knowing' no one was going to ask me for help if I said those magic words: 'If you need help ... just ask, just call me ... I'm there'.
Everybody knows no one is going to call you up and say 'help me' ... that's why they say that.
I hope no one ever says that to me again because if I had to ask when it already hurts so bad to have to say 'I need', and how it feels when one has pride, and not wanting to take from anyone who might need all they have ... I will go without.
If you take all your family, friends for granted ... and they all die off like all of mine has ... you will be alone in this big, old world. Pray that you are rich ... because whether you like it or not ... it does take money to survive, especially when you have a loved one very ill, and have 2 pets to care for.
What will you do? I mean ... really, what do you do? I've been to all these things online to apply for help ... I will tell you what they said so, you won't waste time .... we don't have children so, we aren't eligible.
They haven't had money since 2009, so there's no help for financial aid for rent. I was told by a Spanish woman to go to a shelter ... I asked her where was one ... she gave me a cold expression, said, "I don't know of one".
Is anyone aware that online there are a 'million' wonderful things to help older people, it comforts one to read it all, and thank God. In reality, every door is closed in an older person's face when they go to ask for help, not only that ... they feel about 2 inches tall.
How do I know? I'm not ashamed to tell you ... and can hold my head up doing so ... I've desperately searched, wasted gas needed to go talk, and talk, and talk only to find out that we can't get help.
I was told ... go to your family ... go to your family. I sat there, broke down ... and asked one woman .... 'what family?' I even came almost to the point to beg ... asking what can I do .... my husband is very ill, and I know you don't care about our dogs ... but, what can I do to help us?
I was told ... 'you can be put on a waiting list for several years'. What about today, tomorrow? This is when trying to get help with rent. No answer ... only an expression of coldness, and with the glasses on the edge of the older, black woman's nose ... as she looked down at me, told me that it might be online about all this help, but ... in reality, they've not had money since 2009 to help anyone.
I gave up for a short time ... then, decided ... I'll keep looking, searching. Do you know what I told that old woman?
I told her that if I had to go homeless ... I would do it publicly. I told her that if I had to ... I would take our two vehicles and find some where to park them, live out of them but, we as older people have medical conditions ... have two dogs we don't want to give up .... will do it while the public knows there's no help .. that all we read online for our area ... isn't true.
Now ... I know why no one could suggest what to do .... where to go ... they've been this route. They let me find it out on my own. They didn't share what caused them more grief, heartache ... but, I will tell you ... tell everyone who knows older people without anyone to be there for them ... that's why you see them homeless, or living in the worse places ... they have no one, no one cares.
We aren't that bad off ... yet. I have nothing to give me comfort in knowing what's going to happen in the future ... that everything will be alright, that in the future we'll always have a roof over our heads, not be split up in shelters, our dogs gone to .... wherever. Do you see my fears? Can you feel them? I know there are people reading this, who are facing such.
Yes, online ... all looks good in writing ... your heart feels so thankful to find resources ... only to come to this. In reality ... there is no help, financial assistance to help us. None. I'm still not giving up, I'll keep searching.
Build your family, friends ... have a strong support system all your young life ... don't take them for granted because whether we like it or not ... people die, friends go away. I had a big support system many years ago ... family support. I had a dysfunctional family but, they were always there, and I loved them with my very Heart. So, this is a piece of advice from someone who knows from experience.
Another thing is ... it seems older people really don't matter .... they've had their chance at life ... so, they need to go to wherever to not pose a problem. If they are financially stable in their life that's wonderful ... for the ones who have lost everything, have a hard time financially .... it's a really scary world. There's no help for them. So far, this is my impression of 'entering an older world'.
I suggest getting rich, and having money put up ... but, like us ... that can all go away, also ... hospitals, doctors, battling medical conditions to live, many things can take that money.
Just have a big support system because if you don't you will feel like I do by this time. I am at the point now ... don't tell me ... 'if you need help ... just call me' ... because you know I won't.
I wouldn't call to ask for help from you. The only time I can comfortably ask for help is at a public agency, not from an individual.
If you don't think of the future 'one day' ... keep thinking you'll never 'get old' ... I promise if you live, you will 'get old' ... if you don't have the family/friend support system ... you will be like I am ... this morning.
Don't feel sorry for me ... I don't need it. I'm not asking anyone for anything. Even without nothing, I will help you if I see you need ... with whatever I have left. I won't ask you ... I'll just do it. I'll give you almost anything I have (don't play the game of asking ... 'will you give this or that?'). I'm a giver, I'm not a taker ... someone else might need it. I don't know how to ask for help ... I'm too embarrassed to ask for help.
I am facing reality and I am telling everyone ... don't take your family, friends for granted ... I am your example of what can happen.
I am still positive, I am still smiling ... and today is a new day and no matter how bad, no matter what ... I know everything is going to be alright. I just have to find my ... 'everything is going to be alright' :) I'm not crying, now! I wrote away my fears.
I don't hide behind rose-colored glasses ... I face reality and the raw truth in life ... I have to cry more in life ... because of what I see. I do see good things, also ... that keeps me going.
These things in life make my life have meaning ... Skip, our Pups ... Kissy and Camie, they are my whole world. Just as important is my connection to all of you ... I have someone to .... write ... to. I can't talk about things ... I can write as much, as long as I want to. No one has to read it ... and if they do ... they don't have to be involved directly with me, my problems ... and can go their way quietly.
It's different from talking in person ... people begin to feel pressured as if they have to pull money out of their pockets ... have to help. No one has to ever feel that way with me ... when reading. :)
I was thinking ... am I the only one who has ever needed help, and can't ask anyone for it .... why? can't I?
I can't ask for help ... who am I to ask for help in the first place? Suppose you needed what you gave me? (I've given my last cent when I needed it, so .. I know there are people like me). I have pride, I can't beg ... but, if it came to the point I had to for my husband, Pups ... I will let my pride be stomped into the ground.
Last of all ... I've always known ... people pay attention to each other. We see them struggling ... or we see them going about life in a good way. We see the signs when they need help ... you know if they can't open a door , we run to open it to help them. We don't say, "do you need help with that door?" We run naturally to do it.
I know that people don't sincerely mean it when they say, 'just call me if you need help ... I'm there if you need anything ... do you need help?' If you don't believe me ... ask one of them sometimes, they will get angry at you ... and that's the end of the 'friendship'.
Don't believe me? Try it some time. It's been many years since I learned that lesson. I'll never ask anyone for help ... and I hope no one will ever say 'if you need help, just let me know!' I don't like it ... I won't listen. I will tell them I would never ask help from ... them ... and mean it.
People help each other without asking when it's from the heart. I know I do, and if possible I quietly find a way to do it to keep them from feeling embarrassed. I know how it feels. Please don't tell me to call you if I need help ... I'm not like that. When you say that ... I know it would be a problem for you to ... help me.
This is what has been on my mind this morning. In writing this ... it helped me to dry my own tears, and to gain new perspective.
You don't want to ever be in the situation I'm in when entering a new world ... an older world. You will want to have a huge support system so when you are ill .... they are there for you.
You will want to have financial stability ... so, you don't have to worry how you will buy gas to go to the hospital, doctors, what to buy healthy for groceries, pay co-pays for doctors, medicines... how to take care of your pets' medical needs, buy their special food ... buy anything. So, money is very important ... it does make the world go 'round. It isn't always the root of 'all evil'.
You might also, take from my experiences ... don't ask someone 'if' they need help ... they will automatically say, 'no'. Study yourself when you do that ... you'll see that you really weren't sincere 'if' you had to tell someone that. You did that because those are the 'magic words' ... to prevent them from asking for your help. Did you think about it for a minute? I'm right, aren't I?
If you want to help someone ... run, do it naturally. Don't wait to ask. I tell you this so, you'll think about it when you see your loved ones, and friends, and whoever struggling. If you sincerely want to help ... you don't have to ask ... you already know the answer.