A Pure, White Snowflake...

A Pure, White Snowflake...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I thought I saw a snowflake fall from the sky
I stood there watching for others that would surely come
Another snowflake fell on my nose
As two more fell on my cheek

I felt excitement inside my heart
It's snowing, it's snowing
I wanted to run, and twirl around
Like a little girl, a little child

This is the effect snow has on me
It makes me feel happy, light in heart
I want to make snow cream
Eat it by the crackling fireplace

I love to snuggle up in my warm coat
Along with a colorful scarf
Put my soft mittens to my face
Close my eyes, feel such happiness

It's snowing, it's snowing
There's no telling how deep it'll get
I don't care how deep it'll be
I just want to play in the snow like a child

Forget all my grief, sadness
That weighs down my heart
I want to be like a snowflake
Run, twirl, fall to the white ground

Look up into the sky as the flakes
Fall on me, into my face
I'm a snowflake on the ground
No thoughts, no sadness, no pain

I jump up and run, twirl around
My hair turns white with all the snow
I have no thoughts to cause me pain
Because I can only concentrate on... being a snowflake

All I can see is white
All I can feel is white
I know nothing more than
Being a snowflake... a pure, white snowflake

She Writes The Pain From Her Heart...

She Writes The Pain From Her Heart...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

He lay there in the box
His mother stood at his head
Looking down at him in disbelief
Trying to see, to know

Oh God, my son is dead
Is this really my son
She asked as she looked
Through a curtain of tears

Tommy!  Tommy! Tommy!
Please don't be gone
Come back, Tommy
This hurts so bad

He lay there so still
She stood there even stiller
Frozen in shock looking at her son
Her only child she brought into this world

Her hand reached out to touch his hair
As tears rolled down her cheeks
Her chest began to heave with
Big sobs ... she wouldn't let come out

Her fingers touched the curl in his hair
Until they came upon something new
A roughness, a .... it took a moment to realize
They were staples from the autopsy

Her mind screamed with pain
Her fingers traced the scar beneath his hair
Her hand began shaking
Her mind telling her what it was

Her eyes closed as her fingers gently patted
His head, her hand touched his precious cheek
Tracing the familiar face of her child
Her hand softly touching his forehead

She looked up, out through her very red eyes
Eyes full of pain unlike any she'd ever known
To look at Skip, to see such grief in his eyes
Oh Skip, Tommy's gone, Tommy's gone

It seemed all was blank around her in the world
There was only a box sitting there
Her son lay in it
Only she, her husband standing there all alone

Her only focus was on her baby
The child, the son she had brought into the world
He was lying there, to never get up again
Or to say 'I love you, mama', again

I love you, son.. please God don't let this be true
Though she knew her child was gone, she still couldn't believe
He was such a personality, so alive
That she felt he could somehow come back

But, he lay there silenced forever
Her son, her only child
Would never again get up
He really was gone, never to be anymore

Tommy was cremated just after that
His ashes went to his son's mother
A tiny bit of his ashes went into a teardrop
And a heart, each had a tiny urn

They were given to Skip and Gloria
His son's mother took his ashes home with her
To one day scatter in the NC mountains
Stone Mountain, near where he grew up

He died on May 29, 2010
It's now November 24, 2012
His mother still grieves for him
Grief is there no matter how much she smiles

She still cries for him, but... no one can see
She hides her pain well
When she laughs, she is crying
But, when you look... all you see is a smile

The holidays are here once again
She's determined to make them happy
She has Skip, her Pups to think of now
They won't see her cry, feel her pain

She will hide it, she will write it quietly
So, no one will know
No one will feel sad or worry for her
As she writes the pain from her heart

I Still Have To Live Until I Die...

I Still Have To Live Until I Die...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I sit here listening to the sad music
Playing in the background on the tv
It keeps touching something in me
Pulls at me to make me feel sad

I feel afraid, it makes me think of death
Think of Tommy when he lay there
In that box at the funeral home
The box Taban wanted to climb up into

To be with his daddy
Little Taban knew his daddy went to heaven
What he didn't know was that he had died
Wouldn't ever be coming back

My heart broken, shattered
My eyes seeing this small child, knowing
That his daddy was gone, soon he'd realize
Daddy's not coming back home to him

He has to grow up without his father
His grandmother has to grow old without her son
Without her only child
He died that evening running, playing on the sand

Tommy died doing what he looked forward doing
Running, playing with Taban on the beach
Where he collapsed onto the sand
To never get up on his own again

My son died, my son died
Oh how I have cried, I have cried
Wanting my son to come back
For this to not be true

As time goes by, I am learning to accept
The death of Tommy, my only child
My son, a part of me
Is never coming back

He's never coming back
A part of me died that fateful evening
With my precious son
I have fought the darkness since then

I may seem to be okay, though
Grief is my constant companion
My black shadow
It follows me everywhere I go

It strikes at me when I begin to smile again
When I begin to feel happiness inside
I constantly push it away
Just as I would a spider web that blows in the wind

Stay back, grief... stay back
Let me have some peace
Let me smile, feel happy again
I still have to live until I die

I Just Had A Bad Time... Writing The Pain Out

I Just Had A Bad Time... Writing The Pain Out

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Well...  this evening, guess what I did?  I asked Skip to bring several things from our outside building... to the house.  I was paying close attention to myself, my feelings when he brought all in.

I waited to see if I'd become sad... feel panicky, want to cry.  These are the emotions I have experienced for two years now.  It's awful... the pain, the pure grief.... holidays have a way of making all worse.

Why?  Because that's when all of our loved ones gather for a time to feel close, happy, glad they have each other.  It's a time of such pure happiness looking around yourself, thinking 'I love my family... these are my special someones in my life... I'm so thankful for them'.  I feel so safe, loved by all of them.... I'm special to these people, they are special to me.

Then... someone is all of a sudden 'gone'...you didn't get to tell them 'goodbye forever'.  Like Tommy... I did get to speak to him on the phone less than an hour 'before' ......... when we ended our call we said, "I love you, son."  "I love you, mama."

We said 'goodbye'......... but, we never said 'goodbye forever, mama'.... 'goodbye forever, son'.....  When I said goodbye, I only meant until he would call me in an hour, or so... to tell me about playing with Taban at the ocean.  I didn't say ...'goodbye forever, son'.  I didn't .... mean 'goodbye forever'.....

Now... at this very moment, I look at what I've done... I could become very upset easily... but, I mean to do as I told you all I would do... that's to make our Christmas a happier time for us... Skip and our Pups.

I just made it through Thanksgiving... and I heard Skip say... 'This has been the nicest Thanksgiving'.....  I did it, and I'm so thankful I didn't make it another sad Thanksgiving.

Skip is so fortunate to see this Thanksgiving... I'm so thankful to have Skip this Thanksgiving.  Wouldn't I be awful not to appreciate, be thankful after what he has just been through when he became deathly ill?  I could have... been all alone ... only the Pups and I on these holidays.  My world is complete with Skip, our Pups.  I'm so fortunate.

I'm happy, I'm sad... bittersweet is the only word I can think of to describe what I am.  I looked at photos of Skip I had taken of him in Rex Emergency Room when he was very ill, when he was in the hospital that week.... one could see 'death was close by'... my heart hurts, I want to cry looking at them.  One photo, he was lying on the bed with his eyes closed... so still, so sick... he looked like... he was 'gone'.

I showed these photos to Skip this evening... he didn't know I took them in the emergency room... he knew about the ones while being hospitalized... I took them because I could see that he was getting better, and better.  Skip said, "I looked like I was dead, I've seen dead people look better."  I smiled at that because Skip is funny... he is the most wittiest person I know... quick on his feet to say something hilarious.  He's... my special someone, he's all I have in this world... he means everything to me... him and ..our Pups.

I look again... I stop writing to turn around to see... what I've done this evening.  I'm determined not to get in the condition I have been in for the past two years... I may be sad but, I'm going to be a... strong sad ... mixed with gratefulness...

There.... on the table is a 4 foot Christmas tree, decked out in shiny red balls, colored lights.  That's what I've done this evening... 'I've put up the Christmas tree'.......  I tell myself 'everything is going to be all right'....

I keep experiencing this feeling of wanting to cry... I feel tears threaten to fall... I'm so happy, I'm so sad.... I have Skip, I don't have Tommy.  I'm caught in the middle... I could have had ... no one.  I could have been all alone.  I feel I want to lay my head down, and just ... weep.

All of this is from thankfulness, mixed with grief.  One of my loved ones is still here, one of my loved ones is... gone.  One whom I didn't say 'goodbye forever'... to.  I only said goodbye for a little while....

For a few moments... I want to cry out for Tommy to come back, please don't be gone!  I know I sound foolish... grief can make one do, think foolish things.  No matter how happy one can appear to be... when they've lost someone that is a part of them.... grief is only beneath the surface.

I see that I'm going to have to cope with this... I feel inside that the darkness is trying to come near again.  I can't let it ... happen now.  I just can't.  I love my son, I miss my son, it hurts so bad.  I wish for my son to be back... Tommy, I wish you weren't gone.

Today I saw a young boy ... he looked alot like Tommy looked when he was a child.  I stood there, watched that boy... 'seeing Tommy' for several moments.  I made myself turn away... what good does it do to 'see Tommy'?  It hurts me deeply.  I feel ................... I feel ... so much.

Sitting here in darkness around me... I have the lights out... I sit here in the light of my computer thinking, writing.... I'm beginning to feel calmness inside.  See... how this happens when I think I'm ... all right?

I just turned around again to look.... at that pretty Christmas tree.  I'm so happy that I put it up for us to enjoy.  I'm so glad that I can write this pain down here.  Now... I can feel better... Skip never has to know how sad I became because.... now, I'm all right.  Everything is going to be all right.

I can smile through my tears... because I see, hear Skip talking... he's here.  I know Tommy is gone... it's like the glass of water.... half empty, half full.  I wish I could fill that glass right back up... Tommy to be back.  

I know that he can't come back... but, it still doesn't stop the pain I feel.  That can come back at any time... no matter how happy I am determined to be.

Everything is all right now...  I wrote out the pain.  I was having a bad time... I have been writing the pain out.

It Was A Happy Thanksgiving For Pups, Too!

It Was A Happy Thanksgiving For Pups, Too!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I mashed the warm sweet potatoes, added real butter to mix both together.  I put a big mound in each of the two plates I was preparing with Thanksgiving foods.

I sliced turkey off the breast of the turkey I had baked to a golden brown color, placed slices on each of the two plates.  I now, had the plates ready to serve to .... two most special Pups, Kissy and Chadwick.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Kissy," I said, as I placed his Thanksgiving dinner in front of him.  I walked over to put Chadwick's plate in front of him.  "Happy Thanksgiving, Chadwick."

I stood beside Skip watching them eat...  I felt so thankful to have them.  They mean everything to Skip and I.  They are all we have, Tommy is gone.

We don't see his two children, we don't hear anything from anyone to let us know how they are.  Nor, do we know where our grandson is at.  They've moved, never told us... we told his mother when we moved, our new address, phone number.   We cared.  Happy Thanksgiving, Taban and McKenzie.

Skip and I made plates for our friends, our neighbors... and guess what?  One of our friends had made plates for us, too!  Not only that... she made us a Hawaiian pie which was wonderful.  I wonder if I have the nerve to say what happened to that good pie?!!!  By the end of this story... we'll see. :)))

Throughout the day Skip and I ate the different Thanksgiving foods I'd prepared, including the foods he came back with when taking our plates to our friends.

Later in the evening Skip said, "I couldn't have had a better Thanksgiving".  I felt happy inside... I wanted it to be so nice for him, the Pups.  He's been through so much for the past months... no one would believe.  Also, he's been deathly ill... I'm so thankful Skip is here... he almost wasn't.

Hawaiian pie... what a wonderful pie!  It's sort of like whipped cream... only the texture is different... has bits of pineapple, I think coconut in it.  I have to say that pie disappeared over a short time!  That was too good... Skip and I enjoyed it so much.  :)))  I'm glad it wasn't a giant pie!

Our Pups enjoyed their foods all through the day.  It was a happy Thanksgiving for Pups, too!

When I Was Sleeping You Thought Of Me...

When I Was Sleeping You Thought Of Me...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

While I was sleeping one night
You thought of me when I didn't know
When I found out about it
I was so honored, so amazed, awed

Thank you, wonderful angel for what you did
It means the world to me
You have made my life so much nicer
For you being in it

For when I was sleeping
You thought of me when I didn't know
Made my life feel sunshine
At a time when it was needed

I can't ever forget you
For touching my life in such a special way
To bring some peace into it
To put smiles on our faces, tears in our eyes

Thank you, you'll always be in my heart
Today is Thanksgiving, I thought of you
I am so thankful for you, and so many things
I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me

This is to the angel who thought of me when I was sleeping.  You mean the world to me.  Thank you.   Love, Gloria

Happy Thanksgiving To You... You All Mean The World To Me

Happy Thanksgiving To You...  You All Mean The World To Me

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I made it through yesterday... Tommy's birthday.  I did have several times when I felt grief try to push in on me, crush me down.  I felt the real pain try to make me forget about my determination to make it through his birthday, and, upcoming Thanksgiving.

I have meant to make it through these holidays, come out on the other side still in good shape.  It does take a lot of strength, determination... if I didn't have it ... I would have decided I can't cook special foods for tomorrow... Thanksgiving Day.  I have Skip, our Pups to think about.  I need to make all happy for them... in return I will feel good.

I roasted a turkey today, made a big potato salad, big pan of dressing.  I baked sweet potatoes to make a pie with... tomorrow.  I kept thinking to myself when I finally finished... "I'm so glad I did this, tomorrow will be a happy day".  I will make more special dishes tomorrow.

When I was peeling the shells off the boiled eggs... I thought of how Tommy would pop up every time.... he loved to eat boiled eggs.  I even looked around the kitchen to see if I saw anything unusual... I didn't.  I really wanted to... but, I didn't.

I still can't believe my son is gone.  He was so... he was just so real that it seems like he can't be gone.  I do feel tears beneath the surface... but, I'm not going to let them flow this time... I have to accomplish my goal... that's to make sure Thanksgiving is nice for us.

This will be the first for us since Tommy died in 2010.  I can't remember now, the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays after he died.  I try to look back... I can only see darkness in my mind.

Yesterday, I felt sunshine inside for the first time on his birthday... I felt it today as I prepared Thanksgiving foods. 'I felt sunshine again in my heart.'  Do you know how thankful I am to actually feel such a happy feeling like that ...inside... at a time like this?

At this very moment ... I feel the pain that's inside me, I want to sit and cry... my nose burns.  I think about how I felt today, I don't want to let grief take over ... I can't let that happen.  I've made Skip happy knowing 'I'm going to be all right'.....  I'm going to make sure it is.  :)))

This will be a real Thanksgiving... we'll be sharing food, food will be shared with us.  I'm really looking forward.  It's going to be a real Thanksgiving in our home tomorrow.  I have so much to be thankful for .... for an angel who thought of me while I was sleeping, for Skip and our Pups.... I could have lost Skip recently as he was very ill... oh, how thankful I am that he's recovered.

Oh yes, I could go on and on.. naming things I'm so fortunate to have in my life, to be thankful for.  I am thankful also, to be here 'now'... I've been in the darkness too long... it does feel good to experience the sunshine in my heart again.  It's like Tommy's smile... it was like sunshine coming out on a cloudy day.  Happy Thanksgiving to us... it will be, I'm so happy to say.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you... my dear readers.  I'm so very thankful for you... you all mean the world to me.  Thank you for being here for me... I'm so glad I have you all to come here at any time to talk to.  Yes, I am very thankful for... you.

Happy Birthday, Son... I Miss You, Tommy

Happy Birthday, Son... I Miss You, Tommy

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



November 20, 1969... Thursday morning at 11:28 am a little baby was born.  He weighed 8 lbs. 4 1/2 oz.  He was 21 inches long.


This little baby had a lot of blonde hair.  He was perfect, beautiful.  Tommy was born... my son, my only child was born.


May 29, 2010.... on a Saturday evening at Myrtle Beach, he collapsed on the beach, died.  He was playing with his little three year old son for the first, and last time.


November 20, 2012... Tommy would have been 43 years old today had he lived.
I miss you, Son.  Your mama loves you.  I miss you, Tommy.

True Love... I Wonder If He Knew I Looked Up Into His Sightless Eyes To See...

True Love...  I Wonder If He Knew I Looked Up Into His Sightless Eyes To 'See'....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

They sat there in their chairs... Grandma Alma sat in her old upholstered recliner... it rocked.  George had a chair that always sat beside her chair.  Day in, day out... this was their place to sit, side by side... for many, many years.

Grandma Alma was paralyzed.  When she walked, one of her arms would hang to her side while one leg dragged.  She'd walk holding onto her walker with her good hand.  I look back in my mind.. I can see her walking, her face smiling at me.  I can 'see' the twinkle in her eyes... a glow about her face.

George was Grandma Alma's second husband.  He was the only grandfather I ever knew in my life.  I loved him with my little girl heart.  He could be loud sometimes, that was his way.  George would 'holler' when he felt pain, or became upset.  He could ... holler good!

Every morning, George would cook (yes, George cooked and he was blind) Grandma Alma's breakfast.  Sometimes he'd burn his fingers and I would hear him ... he could sure holler loud!  He would say a 'dirty' word... I would laugh because George could be funny.

I would feel sad, too... George got hurt sometimes.  It would touch my heart.. I would tilt my head to the side, and look up into his face... sometimes I saw... tears in his eyes, his sightless eyes.  It did something to my little girl heart.  

George would wash the dishes, I'd try to help in my little girl way.  When he got through, he'd get a pan of hot water, add cold water to make it lukewarm... take it to Grandma Alma.  She'd take her bath with her good hand.  I would hand things to her if she asked.

George would take the pan of water to the back door, toss it out.  Sometimes, I would laugh so much... one of my cousins could be coming to the back door as he tossed the water out!  He didn't see them!  It was bound to happen 'sooner or later!'

Grandma Alma would dress while he was emptying the water.  I would help her all I could.  George would come back to sit in his old, cane-bottomed chair to 'rub Grandma Alma up'... he did this faithfully every day for twenty-some years.

George would begin with Grandma Alma's right leg... he would rub it with alcohol.  He would massage her leg, and put it through range-of-motion exercises as he rubbed her leg.  When he finished, he would rub Beauty Ray lotion into her skin to keep it soft, supple.

George would rub Grandma Alma's right arm, hand.  His fingers would work her skin gently as he rubbed alcohol on it, put it through range-of-motion exercises.  He'd rubbed Beauty Ray lotion on her arm.

Grandma Alma's left leg, left arm was 'rubbed up' next.  Each was given range-of-motion exercises.  Every day this was done several times a day.  Faithfully George would 'rub Grandma Alma up'....

Grandma Alma had the smoothest, softest skin.   Her facial skin never aged with wrinkles... it was as smooth as a young girl's.  She stayed inside all those years, also... so, sun didn't damage her skin.

If Grandma Alma could have been made to walk.... George's love would have done it all those years of rubbing her body up in alcohol, Beauty Ray lotion, doing all those range of motion exercises faithfully several times a day.

She never regained her ability to walk, run, to work in her flowers.  She did use her one 'good hand' to touch a grandchild, to reassure it, to pull that grandchild to her bosom to hug them.  I remember... Grandma Alma got tears in her eyes, too.

Grandma Alma, George.... true love if I ever saw it.  No... their love wasn't full of glamorous things, lots of money, beautiful clothes, cars, people.  Their special love was in a world of being severely handicapped, being blind... paralyzed.

Their special love was in a home built over hell... all hell broke out around them in the arena at any moment.  This was where all the fights were held for their entertainment.... no, they weren't entertained at all... they just didn't have a choice in the matter.  I saw tears in their eyes.

Their love was in filth, poverty, no frills, no thrills... no luxuries ever.

No one did anything for them without 'raising hell' first, anger, cursing about 'who is going to do this or that for them?'  They never minded asking Grandma Alma, George for their last cent though.

Grandma Alma, George didn't 'cuss about it first', though.  They gave with a free heart... oh, how I loved my Grandma Alma, George.

In their world of love... there were roaches, rats, spiders... and (don't laugh... I had a deadly fear of them with their fat little human-like bodies, eyes).... kid-diddle hoppers!  These things would jump out, fall on a little girl, terrifying her so, that she'd tiptoe, walk quietly to the kitchen, bathroom.  Everyday she lived with fear of some kind there.... from those scary things, people who needed someone to take anger out on...

Their house was scary.... the 'old homeplace' was the house from hell... built over hell.  Don't let anyone tell you 'this was the old homeplace as if it were a special place'... I know 'why' they do that... they just want to find some place in their young life to be 'as nice as anyone else's'.  It looks nice today... but, something's not right about that old house... bad things still happen there.

I walked to the door of that old house one day in the last two years... I stood there looking in... I felt my breath stop, my heart felt afraid... I had to walk away... I couldn't enter it.  It affected me for several days... at this moment I 'feel' it, while writing about it.

They don't think anyone else remembers.... they were there as a 'great' grandchild... already a generation of grandchildren had been there, known hell... as little children.  Some were 'their' parents... no, they just don't know.

I can say this... you hear people say it's important to give a child a solid foundation to build its life from, to go in life from.....  that was my foundation such as it was... but, I know that's why also, I'm still 'standing' today.  So, it must have been a 'damn good one'.......

Hell 'raised' me... it gave me the strength I needed for my life... so many bad things have happened... but, I'm on this side of it all now.  I'm thankful to have turned out to be a good person because 'in hell' I didn't see many 'good' things.  I could have been a 'bad girl'.................. in more ways than one.  I knew how to be....

I just didn't choose to go down a lot of paths I started down... curiosity led me toward things in life I found out that I didn't want any part of.  I ran back the way I came, getting delayed, lost on the way out... but, I didn't give up until... I was back to 'good'.

I don't like bad things though.... in this life I've learned that 'it takes bad sometimes' to make 'good things happen'.  Sometimes... it takes 'bad people' to do good things... because they aren't afraid to take up for the underdog, and such as that.  We need 'bad' along with 'good.

Getting back to true love... Grandma Alma and George sitting there in those old chairs with 'hell all around them', punishing them every day of their life, demons performing in the arena constantly, shrieking.. screaming.. fighting, flesh on flesh, pounding each other, blood... pure raw anger, hate, blackmail.

Doesn't it sound like a 'war zone' with debris falling all around... while they sit in a little bubble?  Only in their little bubble... all affected them.  I wonder what in the world they did so bad to have deserved all life threw at them?  I don't think they deserved such bad things...

True love... that's what held Grandma Alma, and George together against the whole world.  They suffered so much... I only remember very few moments of peace of mind for them...  I always looked up into George's eyes to see if he was happy, into Grandma Alma's eyes to see.  Most of the time I saw ... stress, upset, tears.  I would then, 'feel' it in my heart... my eyes would burn with tears... I didn't know 'why'.... every time.

It was Heaven when I saw them smile... I loved it when I saw them..... 'them' smiling at each other, gently teasing the other over some silly thing.  I loved hearing them talk with each other, instead of being upset.  When this little girl lived with them in hell... she saw ...true love.

Christmas Parade 2012... Thankful... Tommy, Are You Smiling?

Christmas Parade 2012... Thankful... Tommy, Are You Smiling?

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This morning Skip and I got up, got ready and... left to go to Raleigh Christmas Parade.  We stopped for gas at Sheetz... I love going to Sheetz, it reminds me of our traveling days in the past.

The colors there are exciting, it feels cozy, homey to me.  All the colors are 'warm'... yellow, red, green, orange... the colors of fall time, my favorite time of the year.  The colors of a fireplace, that keeps one so warm, so cozy.  The colors that say, "It's so cold outside, come on inside, I'll keep you warm."

Skip pumped gas, I made cups of hot coffee for us.  We were now, officially on our way to the Christmas Parade!  We had one more stop to make... that was at Dunkin' Donut in Raleigh.

The owner saw us, held the door opened for us to come inside.  He and Skip are long-time friends.. they love to talk about the Vietnam War.  Both of them are Veterans.

Myself, I walked inside...  closed my eyes for a moment, and smelled the wonderful aroma of Dunkin Donut coffee, freshly made doughnuts.  I always love doing this at Dunkin Donuts.

It is a wonderful experience for me... the aroma of that good coffee, the warmth inside when it's very cold outside.  Cozy, special... I don't mind waiting at all for Skip and his friend to finish their conversation.  I stand there ... and enjoy the moment.  Special moments never last long.

We left, drove to our favorite spot to sit and enjoy the Christmas Parade.  We set up our chairs, blankets... went back to sit in our vehicle.  We talked, people-watched as others came early to do the same thing as we did.  We were waiting... we'd gotten the doughnuts and coffee... this is our tradition every year.

Finally... it was time to go sit in our chairs.  Oh my... it was so cold, windy outside.  I was glad to have blankets... one to put over my fold-up chair to block the wind... one to place over my lap.  Our neighbors who sat closest to us were very nice. All around, in front of us were little precious children. Some were standing near me, some sat on the curb in front of me, and to the right of Skip.

It was wonderful watching the floats go by, the different dogs, horses.  People dressed in all kinds of garb... lots of.......... happy colors!  Bands marched by to the beat of their own drums :)))  girls danced, twirled their batons.  Lots of old cars, lots of Harley Davidson motorcycles drove by... bicycles, segways, wagons.  People jumping rope, doing all kinds of 'impossible' things/

At the last, Santa Claus came riding by with his reindeer, he was waving to everyone.  What a wonderful parade!

All through the parade, I watched little children's faces.  I saw how happy their little faces were, I heard it in their voices.  One little boy in particular touched my heart.  He always looked quietly at me, his eyes would make a little smile.  He was the age of Taban, my precious grandson ... I have to look for Taban in other children... I never see him.

I saw a little girl on one of the pageant floats... she had strawberry-blonde hair just as my granddaughter, McKenzie.  I looked at her sweet face 'trying to see my granddaughter' in her...

I watched a couple at the beginning of the parade... the woman reminded me of Tommy's wife... the man looked like Tommy.  I only saw his hair, face, his body-build.... he had on sunglasses so, I couldn't see his eyes.  Yes, I was looking for Tommy... he's gone now but, you all know that... you have been here for me all this time.  I even... looked for his wife.....

Skip and I watched in amazement the huge Nutcracker soldier being pulled down Hillsborough Street.  They had to continually lower him to pull him beneath all the Oak trees!  I took close-up photos of him towering above me...

One of our favorite bands... Helping Hands Mission... for some reason was the last to march/dance down the street.  Santa Claus came through just before them!  I didn't understand that because... I didn't really care.  There they were!  They are my favorite to watch because....

Those girls can dance!  I love the wild, happy music and the way the girls, the guys in the band 'get down'!  They 'let go'... making people cheer, laugh, happy watching them.  I felt happy, I felt my spirit soar with the excitement their presence created... this was such fun!

Today... was the first Christmas Parade I've enjoyed since Tommy's been gone.  This is the 3rd Christmas Parade......  Tommy, I missed you with my heart... I thought of you, I didn't forget you at all.  I looked for you, Taban, McKenzie, even your wife at this Christmas Parade.  I didn't see you all, but... I did see lots of reminders.  I was happy to have that.  I have so much to be thankful for.

On the way home, I looked at Skip and said, "Skip, I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving... you could have been taken from me just a few weeks ago, I would have been left alone.  I'm so thankful for you, for our Pups, a warm, nice place to call home, good food... for our friends ... for the miracles, and amazing things that have happened to us.  We have been through so much... for now, all feels good, there's peace of mind.  I can make it through these holidays... I'm so thankful."  Oh God, I am so very thankful.....

In my mind I have one person in mind... I know there are angels who walk among us... she touched our life in a most special way.  She has ever since Tommy died... her soft, quiet voice has always 'been there' speaking to me.  I heard her words, she stood out to me, because she was so ... quiet, caring.   She sort of reminds me of my Aunt Frankie when I was a little girl... quiet, soft, always there.  So comforting...she thought of me when ... I was sleeping.

She shared her new granddaughter with me when she was born, in photos... because she thought of me, the grief I go through not knowing mine.  She didn't have to do that... that touched my heart in such a special way.  She has thought of me in a most meaningful way... thank you from my heart.

Thank you for touching our life in such a wonderful way... you know who you are.   I'm more thankful for so much... more than my words can possibly say.

The holidays... are coming.  I really feel inside... I am going to make it through them.  I haven't felt this way since ... Tommy had to go away ... it doesn't mean I don't hurt ... the pain is there beneath the surface.

What I think it does mean is.......... a lot of special things that are happening has created a very thick, soft, strong blanket of good, happy feelings to throw over that pain... and it is heavy enough to hold that pain down where it won't want to come up to the surface to strike at me, to destroy any happy feelings I might have.  I think the weight of it might carry me through all the holidays this year... I need that peace of mind, I want it so much.  I'm so determined in a good way... I believe everything will... be all right.

So much more happy feelings, so much more to be thankful for, so much more... peace of mind is 'heavy' enough to hold that pain down.

What a wonderful Christmas Parade, I have so much to be thankful for... and I'm not afraid for ... Thanksgiving to come this week.  I know everything is going to be all right.

So far, so good... I feel I will make it through now...  Tommy, are you smiling?  I am smiling... with tears in my eyes.  I 'feel' my son's smile in my heart... I see his smiling eyes in my mind... it feels like the sunshine came out inside my heart.  Tommy, are you smiling?