I have finally come back to my blog. Life happens, other things take priority. I have been on many journeys without leaving home in many directions. Good journeys, sad journeys ... bad journeys. I have fought hard to make positive out of negative. It's my nature.
We tend to go in different directions Life takes us ... forgetting things until ... like now, I rediscovered my old blog.
I thought I would never want to write again ... I thought I had wrote myself out, had nothing else to say. Now ... I'm not so sure. 🙂🙃🙂
Life is a roller-coaster ... my roller-coaster is full of twists, turns, ups and downs ... all around. I just thought ... but, so is everyone else's!
I am glad my roller-coaster stopped here at my old blog ... my old friend who was always there for Me to free ME of so many heavy words I needed to get out so, ... my soul could feel lighter, so I could take deep breaths of fresh air.
I am a very private person ... Life made that way ... I rarely share my thoughts, feelings with any one person. Skip is the only person I talk to. I don't have that one friend I can talk to ... but, I don't want to talk my personal life with anyone ... I like to listen, care for others. I don't have the need to talk about ... ME.
When I do ... I just write, let my words go into the air with hopes they could possibly touch someone, help someone, be the words someone needs to read at the moment. Like how I run across words that make a difference in my Life.
I grew up making sure I don't become someone's burden, someone everyone dreads to see come around ... I have always stayed to myself. Why?
Because ... I grew up seeing how others became irritated, resentful ... all happiness in the moment disappeared because of that certain one person popping up ... you all know one person like that ... there's always that one in every family.
They pop in, making themselves at homes ... eating meals they wasn't invited to ... on top of that ... they added insult to injury ... when they got ready to leave ... they made sure to carry food from your table home with them. All with never a thought of you ...if they took food out of your family's mouths.
They came with open hands ... left holding what they could get, take ... clenched in greedy hands to enjoy later at your expense.
As a child I saw so many upsetting things ... not realizing I was being shaped, molded by each. Shaped, molded in a way that made me hate to ask for help, to ever visit or go on a shopping trip with a friend ... or any of those things.
In my young mind as I watched, learned from the adults around ME ... I made promises to my little girl self ... I promised I would grow up not taking from others because they might need it for themselves.
I promised I wouldn't ever ask for help unless I was pure desperate because ... I didn't want to be that one person whom everyone hates to see coming ... always wanting something.
I wanted people to be glad to see ME if I happened to be around ... I wanted people to not be afraid when they saw ME ... not worry about any minute I would ask them for something. All I wanted was to be liked, care about, loved.
It seems the way I tried not to be a burden throughout Life makes people think I'm too independent ... sometimes, I believe it makes people angry at ME ... when all I wanted was to let them know I wouldn't ever take advantage of them ... I wouldn't pop up unwanted, I respected them so much that I wouldn't ever do anything to make them wish my existence away.
🙂🙃🙂 I think I respect too much, care too much about others maybe to the extreme. Sometimes ... I think people would like ME better if I were loud, wild, greedy, obnoxious taking everything I could ... not caring about anything.
The truth is ... I care too much, respect, love others too much that I am going to just stay ... ME. I am the one who has to live, know every private moment of my Life. I have to live with ME.
I've wished to be able to accept help easily without the fear of someone going without, or help because they are put in an awkward position. Life would be simpler.
These are thoughts in my mind this morning. Life shaped, molded a little girl into such a complicated person the older she got.
That's Life ... Life happens. We don't know always how it affects us until ... one of those times we are sitting, reflecting ... we realize we wish that some things didn't mold, shape us into what we thought in our young minds would make others care more about us.
This happens when children don't have role models ... don't have any concept of real life beyond the Hell they live in ... they learn the hard way. If they are fortunate to learn ... their eyes finally open to see a big, old world out there. But, think of all the lost, valuable time to learn the hard way.
The good thing is ... when you learn the hard way ... you become a real person.
I could have stayed in my high heels, dresses trying to be beautiful all the time, never giving thought to anything other than myself ... my nails, clothes, makeup ... letting others live my life for ME.
I didn't ... that's why I carry bruises... some you see, some you don't. I have met Life head on, toe to toe ...
Life hurts so bad ... but, it hurts so good, too. I love Life, I wake up each day wanting to live ... no matter I get knocked down, go through things I had rather not but, I do because I truly love. You won't hear any complaints from ME.
That's Life ... that's just the way it is. I treasure my little world. I treasure my friends, people who care, cared about us through time. I'm very fortunate ... I am grateful for so much.
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates
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