Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?

Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?

by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... October 2018

Watching the news, listening to so many unfair, ugly words ... I see now that's what upsets me, makes me feel anger, hate. Anger for the ugliness ... hate for the awful things people say, do to one another to get ahead in Life. I have been studying myself, paying attention to my ... WHYS? ... lately ... I have begun to feel these emotions more-so in the past weeks. It's close to election time ... like everyone, I feel beaten from all the commercials belittling other candidates to make one look like a better candidate to vote for.

I was brought up to be ugly, mean, hateful and take advantage of others to get what I want no matter what I do to them ... what in the world went 'wrong' with me? I can't do it ... even suffering I can't take from others easily even when I need badly ... why? Gracious, I didn't realize I was growing up to be a ... real politician. I was supposed to be able to take from others, be ugly and be happy, gloating over all the spoils I came into possession of.

Why don't I take from others all I can get? ... I am afraid they are going to need it if ... they give to me. I can't bear to think of someone being good to me ... and go without ... see, because this is my nature also ... I have given, went without with a smile on my face to cover that I needed it, too. I hate seeing pain in others ... I hate seeing when they need and can't have. I wish to help them if possible. Why in the world couldn't I be a selfish, mean ... ugly person? Life would be easier ... one wouldn't have to feel any good feelings ... just keep on treating people badly without a conscience.

I've seen where my Life would be so much easier if I had gone against what I believe in ... just being a bad bitch all the way around ... yes, I said that! I know how to be ... but ... I have a good bitch in me too! The good is stronger than the bad ... Life is harder for me ... but, at least I know I haven't hurt anyone by taking from them deliberately, being ugly to them.

With saying that ... does that mean I am a perfect being? Oh no, I'm as imperfect as one can get ... I just keep trying so hard. I don't give up. BUT ... yes, there's a big BUT ... trying to be as good as possible ... hurts so bad. Why? I feel others' pain ... I see, listen to unspoken words ... I look to where no one else would look ... I sense constantly. I recognize, I know pain when I find it ... because I've experienced so much in my Life. Sometimes I feel like giving up, going to a dark room and just hide my ass from this whole world ... feeling real feelings hurts too much.

I don't run, hide from the world ... I take a lot of deep breaths knowing I'm not hiding from anything. If it's going to hurt ... let's get it on ... I'll meet it head-on ... one way or other something's going to give ... or die. I was brought up to be like that too ... that's a good quality for ... survival in this world.

Thank you to all the people who mistreated me as a little girl. NOW ... today ... I am so glad I was brought up in a bad environment with every type of person doing everything possible to hurt, take from others ... I didn't know I was being conditioned for what the world was to become. I thank you all for showing me what ... I didn't want to become. I would be one miserable, bitter woman today. I'm not bitter from what Life has thrown at me ... it made me more caring, loving.

Does that make me a weak person for someone to underestimate me thinking I am weak? HELL NO ... it would be a mistake. Just because I don't act mean, loud, ugly ... doesn't mean I'm weak. A soft smile, soft voice can win wars too. A sincere person can reflect to others the things they need to see when they are angry ... that can change a bad situation to a better one.

I will NOT debate this with anyone ... my Heart feels for the immigrants who kept in their minds to come to the USA where there is hope ... to survive all they went through to get here. I would have done it too to protect my children from gangs who maim, kill, rape their children, them. I would have pure begged to come into the great country of the USA. I watched yesterday as a young girl got her face sprayed with pepper spray ... my Heart cried as I watched her face ... saw it change as she realized what happened to her ... she cried her Heart out softly. Is this sad or what? This girl had no idea her happiness to get this far ... would be a pepper spray to her soft, innocent face. Damn the ones who did that to her. Shame on them.

Okay, I understand we have too many people here who are using up our resources ... if everyone worked together ... couldn't more resources be made up as they go?

For example ... everybody in the world has come to Raleigh to live making traffic so more than awful .... going to just buy groceries ... bad. When disasters happen ... they wipe out the stores ... when a special item is on sale at Walmarts or wherever ... they fight brutally to get their hands on whatever they think is so important to hurt another person for ... women act like this now ... no shame to their game. Gracious, the road rage ... the drive-by shootings ... the home invasions ... anything you can think of ... is HERE now.

Does everyone here try to kick their asses back to where they came from? No ... we don't do that ... everyone tries to go on living and helping others, welcoming more people every day to live here. We all know it causes so much congestion ... so many animals to be displaced building all these thousands and thousands of new homes ... now, so much of the drinking water is bad ... so many homes are in the lines of flash floods.

We all know that is done in the name of big money ... but, no one thinks about it, why? We just keep smiling ... going on to live our own lives ... hoping, wishing all will be alright .... oh! The people who have always felt 'safe' here ... are finally learning to lock doors on homes, cars and such.

They are finally learning to be cautious out in public, in parking lots .... coming home. They are beginning to learn ... 'this is the day IT REALLY CAN HAPPEN TO Me' ... look at so and so. I learned all this years ago being out west ... we always kept saying 'one day it'll all be on the east coast' ... sure enough, it's here.

Enough of my thoughts, opinions for today. I wanted to sit ... write out what exactly was trying to fuel anger, hate in me. It's our tv ... our news ... our ugly candidates and all that goes along with politicking ... making me feel so ... hopeless, angry, hate.

Now ... that I know exactly all the different fuels are there to fuel my flames ... I will make them lose the power to do so. I don't like to feel that way ... I used to be like that years ago as I learned I didn't want to be like that. I am going to keep taking millions of deep breaths ... while I watch ... listen, study ... because I will always watch the news. I just have to stop, get my feelings put back in place sometimes ... or let them consume me, make me into weak jelly ... send me to a dark room to not face Life. I'm not hiding from anything even if I quiver in my ... boots.

Written, owned (photo too) ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I'll Be Back In The Minute ... Or Will I?

I'll Be Back In The Minute ... Or Will I?

I have been thinking this morning about how we take for granted we go somewhere, be back in the minute.

Our loved ones leave and say they'll be back in the minute. We don't always come back in the minute ... we don't always come back at all.

We have no way of knowing we will begin another journey our families can't go on ... a forever journey.

We don't always get to say goodbye ... we leave only your memories of us and many tears.

You can pick up the worldly possessions we left behind ... hold them close to your heart, weep.

You can call our names, beg us to come back.

Weep, grieve, beat your heads against the wall ... nothing will ever change the fact ... we are gone, we can't come back.

Quieten your cries ... your heart so ... you can feel the invisible hugs, kisses on your cheek. We are there ... you grieve so much you don't feel us by your side.

Feel the gentle breeze on your skin? Did a leaf fall on your nose of all places? Did you find rice in your shoe? Who would do that but ... me. I grin when you look up ... realize ...

I'm by your side. You don't hear me, see me ... I didn't want to leave you ... where else would I go other than your side? I loved you most in the world.

I'll be there forever ... watching over you until one day ... you leave on your forever journey to ... join me.

Written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. Photo is also, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Another One of My Ways of Thinking

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note: I am sharing here what I wrote on my Facebook Page today.  Another Gloria's Opinon.

I can see ... now ... (when I used to wonder 'how in the world'... ) how in the world was there a civil war where families/friends were divided and pitted against each other.

Friends and family couldn't be like that ... 'hell' yes, they can, they are ... and they pure hate each other ... I think I'm kin to all the haters ... that's what I grew up with. Not only that ... I should be 'at home' with all the Hell-raisers, haters, people who are trying to sabotage their 'friends', family.

I never could be at home with people who hate, divide ... I was always the different one making me the ... outsider ... of my family.

Do you know what's sad? Being an outsider not by choice but, because I didn't want to do bad things to others to be vengeful, 'pay someone's ass back', 'fix their ass', destroy someone and their family ... I didn't want to do drugs, alcohol, engage in sexual adventures with everyone ... the list goes on and on. That automatically made an invisible wall between me and my family my whole life.

There were times in my young life I did try a little to 'be like the ones I loved' ... only to make me more of an outsider ... do you know why? Because ... BECAUSE they ... expected BETTER OF ... ME. I was proud of that when told that. They didn't like me ... liked me less when I tried to 'be like them. Is that crazy or what?

Do you know what? It didn't keep me from loving them with my very, very Heart. I didn't care what they did ... I just loved them so much never judging them ... I even forgave when they stabbed me in the back. I just loved them ... so much. I treated them with such respect, love, caring ... why? Because I didn't think to judge them ... I just loved them ... so 'damn' much.

I don't want to give the impression that because I loved so much, don't care what others do ... that I just went on to forget. I NEVER forget when something ... hurts, affects me in a negative way ... just as in a positive, kind way.

I really am ... a 'bird of a different feather' ... I choose my friends like that ... I have wonderful, unusual friends. Some have been bad, some have been very, very bad ... some are so damn pure ... good, it's pathetic because they give the impression but, they really aren't. Some are so ugly, mean, rude, obnoxious ... dress awful, dress in the very best ... look like hell, look like heaven ... so on, and on, and on. My friends are many colors like me, not only in appearance but, in character.

My friends are colorful characters ... I love colors ... my friends are like the many, wonderful, exotic spices in this whole world ... flavorful, popping with personality ... some hide their personality but, I 'see' it. I look for things in others no one else sees.

Myself ... depending on who I am around ... do I let my personality show. I am different ways with different people ... I am what each makes me feel ... yet, I am the same person. I'm not one way or the other all the time yet ... I am.

I'm always the good, caring, honest person no matter what. I am trustworthy always. So ... when I am with you, around you ... you see what ... you ... pull out of me. You've heard how people say so and so 'brings out the worse ... the best in so and so'.

I dislike being around people I truly don't like ... I smile, am respectful, quiet around them ... but, I notice (I study myself too!) ... I begin to answer, speak in a negative way ... I feel anger, hate. I try not to ... but, for the moment I am not the person I like to be and am. As soon as I'm away from them ... I am alright. 'They bring out the worse in me'.

I grew up thinking all of our country was solid ... all believing in good things. How sadly wrong I was ... and how just 'damn' naive I was. I think I'm related to the 'whole damn world' ... they hate, Hell-raise ... cause strife, division ... they keep all in chaos all the time. They aren't ever what you think they are ... smiling, pretending to get what they want. They get what they want then ... to hell with you.

I was very naive ... I look back at how abused I was, at how I learned how people were at their worse while smiling, pretending to be good people while their hands were sneaking around molesting little children, boys and girls. Then when the adults were off somewhere ... not only their hands were abusing a child.

Why didn't grown-up expose their children to all the wonders of the world ... at how they could be anything they wanted to be ... to just let children know that such things even existed? I never knew ... as a young person ... that I ... could be anything I wanted to be. I was always 'sheltered' ... held back from the things that pulled at me, attracted me ... made to feel ... I wasn't good enough for them ... that only others were. Can you imagine such a feeling? Walking around 'knowing I wasn't good enough' ... looking at the kids 'who were good enough' to do the very things I would have been wonderful at.

I couldn't have a Barbie doll, I couldn't go to the wonderful, special movies to see Cinderella, Seven Dwarfs and such wonderful things ... because I 'wasn't one of those kids who were worthy, good enough'.

I grew up automatically knowing 'who I was' ... and good at recognizing 'who was more worthy than I was' ... until I began maturing. I've never had that feeling again ... and my eyes opened to how people hurt children never knowing they were crushing their spirits.

That's 'why' today ... I am amazed at how smart, wonderful children are now ... so knowledgeable, and well-spoken ... so grown up! I love it! I love listening to children talk. That's the way children should be ... the parents today ... let their children learn everything in the world ... let them know there are wonderful goals to obtain ... the children are growing up with their eyes wide open ... I grew up ... blind. I had to learn the hard way wasting years, valuable time when I could have been doing so many wonderful things.

Getting back ... I can 'see' in TODAY'S TIME ... there are so many FIRST TIMES in how people do (how about these public officials who won't leave their jobs when they are fired? See?)

People are very rude ... they step in line in front of others ... they yell over others when they are speaking ... I won't even begin on our politicians ... these people reflect the state our country is in. Don't even try it with me ... those who want to argue politics, religion ... I don't play that game with anyone ... no one comes out the winner. No one knows better than the other who is right. All I will do is block, delete, and report if necessary. I respect you, you respect me.

How about our weather? Wow ... have you ever seen so many hurricanes that reach here through our time? How about all the awful, awful flooding everywhere? Our weather has gone crazy in areas never known by people today ... scary.

How about how easily policemen are ambushed, killed deliberately? How about the 7 officers shot, one died just lately in South Carolina? For the past year at least ... officers are killed everywhere.

How about the innocent people officers are killing? And ... some because of their color? Oh my. How about invading innocent people's homes only to find out it's the wrong house ... leaving someone is beaten, shot dead, tazed until they have a heart attack ... their dog dead? How do they feel when they realize they ... had the wrong house? Are they like the criminals? Do the officers not care ... go on never thinking what they, the good guys ... have just done?

How about all the school shootings? People gathered at a concert? Churches? How about that! Little children, people that are strangers ... innocent.

How easily people kill now never caring they give up their freedom? How no one expresses remorse anymore when killing all their family, friends, strangers?

I could keep on ..... Look at the faces on the news as they are sitting in a courtroom ... sneers, smiles, contempt ... they just KILLED someone. How about the people who raid the refrigerator just after committing a heinous crime full of blood, gore ... they go eat their victims' food. Probably pouring catsup over everything, never thinking of all the blood they just spilled.

I can 'see' ... everyone has gone beyond the common things we used to know we had to be no matter what. We used to have rules we had better abide by. Now, it's okay to melt down at anything that displeases us in public whether in a cab, airplane, office, supermarket ...

We used to have to be courteous to others ... be polite in public ... open doors (people open doors for me and I do them) ... take moments out of your life to walk over and help someone who needs help ... go out of your way to be kind. Through time I've watched people let go of the door knowing someone was on their heels ... and seeing someone walk into the door. That hurts my Heart.

Remember how your parents 'tore your ass up ' ... if you dared to be ugly out in public?

Parents not punishing children to do right (I don't mean to beat them at all) ... videoes full of such violence played hours on end ... our 'role' models ... rules are broken constantly by people who are rich and expects the world to cater to only them.

There's nothing wrong with breaking a rule when it's deemed okay ... it doesn't hurt a thing ... there are good reasons to do so at times. Remember what I said about you being the only person left ... driving to a stop light ... sitting forever because the light is stuck on red?

I don't know about you ... I'm going to break a rule sometimes in Life ... sometimes there are situations that call for common sense. Do I encourage YOU to break rules? No. You use your mind to decide your own actions. I speak for me. I'm not perfect ... I don't do everything perfectly though I do try to do my best at everything. I try to be the best person all the time ... but Life has a way of twisting at times to bring the worse out of anyone. I'm no exception.

I will say this ... I don't want to kill family, friends ... even enemies in a civil war because they don't believe all I believe in ... like everyone in politics I like, dislike.

I don't want to kill anyone because they aren't the 'right' color ... what color is better than another color? In my artwork ... all my colors are wonderful and only compliment, help all the other colors pop, look beautiful.

My friends are all wonderful colors, flavors ... that's the spice of Life. I was thinking ... none of us had any choice of the color we would be born no more than the choice of being able to walk, or not walk one day. I don't remember any checkboxes before I came into being ... I would have checked the 'Rich' box if there had been any :) Oh! and the 'Perfect' box!

These things are on my mind this morning ... and these are my Gloria Opinions only about them. You form your own. I shape, form my own opinions on all that affects my life ... no matter right or wrong. I do change my mind ... when I learn better. I'm not close-minded ... I keep my eyes, ears open. I study all around me.

I am not an expert on anything ... I write only what I think, feel ... sometimes, I change my mind and think another way. I respect your opinions, you respect mine.

My words, photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Photo of me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates, today. 10-05-2018...

Photos of Mailbox I Just Finished ... A Promise Almost Kept

Photos of Mailbox I Just Finished ... A Promise Almost Kept
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am in process of spraying coats of clear gloss on the mailbox, building them up to protect it.  Later when the special person gets this mailbox I promised her some time ago ... can protect it by spraying Pledge on it and gently buffing it, dry.  The mailbox will last for years.  We still see a mailbox I did for a lady in 2004 ... that has lasted through time.

Soon ... once the mailbox is the special person hands ... a promise will be kept.  That's the best feeling in the world.



Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee