Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?

Stirrings of Anger, Hate ... the WHYS?

by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... October 2018

Watching the news, listening to so many unfair, ugly words ... I see now that's what upsets me, makes me feel anger, hate. Anger for the ugliness ... hate for the awful things people say, do to one another to get ahead in Life. I have been studying myself, paying attention to my ... WHYS? ... lately ... I have begun to feel these emotions more-so in the past weeks. It's close to election time ... like everyone, I feel beaten from all the commercials belittling other candidates to make one look like a better candidate to vote for.

I was brought up to be ugly, mean, hateful and take advantage of others to get what I want no matter what I do to them ... what in the world went 'wrong' with me? I can't do it ... even suffering I can't take from others easily even when I need badly ... why? Gracious, I didn't realize I was growing up to be a ... real politician. I was supposed to be able to take from others, be ugly and be happy, gloating over all the spoils I came into possession of.

Why don't I take from others all I can get? ... I am afraid they are going to need it if ... they give to me. I can't bear to think of someone being good to me ... and go without ... see, because this is my nature also ... I have given, went without with a smile on my face to cover that I needed it, too. I hate seeing pain in others ... I hate seeing when they need and can't have. I wish to help them if possible. Why in the world couldn't I be a selfish, mean ... ugly person? Life would be easier ... one wouldn't have to feel any good feelings ... just keep on treating people badly without a conscience.

I've seen where my Life would be so much easier if I had gone against what I believe in ... just being a bad bitch all the way around ... yes, I said that! I know how to be ... but ... I have a good bitch in me too! The good is stronger than the bad ... Life is harder for me ... but, at least I know I haven't hurt anyone by taking from them deliberately, being ugly to them.

With saying that ... does that mean I am a perfect being? Oh no, I'm as imperfect as one can get ... I just keep trying so hard. I don't give up. BUT ... yes, there's a big BUT ... trying to be as good as possible ... hurts so bad. Why? I feel others' pain ... I see, listen to unspoken words ... I look to where no one else would look ... I sense constantly. I recognize, I know pain when I find it ... because I've experienced so much in my Life. Sometimes I feel like giving up, going to a dark room and just hide my ass from this whole world ... feeling real feelings hurts too much.

I don't run, hide from the world ... I take a lot of deep breaths knowing I'm not hiding from anything. If it's going to hurt ... let's get it on ... I'll meet it head-on ... one way or other something's going to give ... or die. I was brought up to be like that too ... that's a good quality for ... survival in this world.

Thank you to all the people who mistreated me as a little girl. NOW ... today ... I am so glad I was brought up in a bad environment with every type of person doing everything possible to hurt, take from others ... I didn't know I was being conditioned for what the world was to become. I thank you all for showing me what ... I didn't want to become. I would be one miserable, bitter woman today. I'm not bitter from what Life has thrown at me ... it made me more caring, loving.

Does that make me a weak person for someone to underestimate me thinking I am weak? HELL NO ... it would be a mistake. Just because I don't act mean, loud, ugly ... doesn't mean I'm weak. A soft smile, soft voice can win wars too. A sincere person can reflect to others the things they need to see when they are angry ... that can change a bad situation to a better one.

I will NOT debate this with anyone ... my Heart feels for the immigrants who kept in their minds to come to the USA where there is hope ... to survive all they went through to get here. I would have done it too to protect my children from gangs who maim, kill, rape their children, them. I would have pure begged to come into the great country of the USA. I watched yesterday as a young girl got her face sprayed with pepper spray ... my Heart cried as I watched her face ... saw it change as she realized what happened to her ... she cried her Heart out softly. Is this sad or what? This girl had no idea her happiness to get this far ... would be a pepper spray to her soft, innocent face. Damn the ones who did that to her. Shame on them.

Okay, I understand we have too many people here who are using up our resources ... if everyone worked together ... couldn't more resources be made up as they go?

For example ... everybody in the world has come to Raleigh to live making traffic so more than awful .... going to just buy groceries ... bad. When disasters happen ... they wipe out the stores ... when a special item is on sale at Walmarts or wherever ... they fight brutally to get their hands on whatever they think is so important to hurt another person for ... women act like this now ... no shame to their game. Gracious, the road rage ... the drive-by shootings ... the home invasions ... anything you can think of ... is HERE now.

Does everyone here try to kick their asses back to where they came from? No ... we don't do that ... everyone tries to go on living and helping others, welcoming more people every day to live here. We all know it causes so much congestion ... so many animals to be displaced building all these thousands and thousands of new homes ... now, so much of the drinking water is bad ... so many homes are in the lines of flash floods.

We all know that is done in the name of big money ... but, no one thinks about it, why? We just keep smiling ... going on to live our own lives ... hoping, wishing all will be alright .... oh! The people who have always felt 'safe' here ... are finally learning to lock doors on homes, cars and such.

They are finally learning to be cautious out in public, in parking lots .... coming home. They are beginning to learn ... 'this is the day IT REALLY CAN HAPPEN TO Me' ... look at so and so. I learned all this years ago being out west ... we always kept saying 'one day it'll all be on the east coast' ... sure enough, it's here.

Enough of my thoughts, opinions for today. I wanted to sit ... write out what exactly was trying to fuel anger, hate in me. It's our tv ... our news ... our ugly candidates and all that goes along with politicking ... making me feel so ... hopeless, angry, hate.

Now ... that I know exactly all the different fuels are there to fuel my flames ... I will make them lose the power to do so. I don't like to feel that way ... I used to be like that years ago as I learned I didn't want to be like that. I am going to keep taking millions of deep breaths ... while I watch ... listen, study ... because I will always watch the news. I just have to stop, get my feelings put back in place sometimes ... or let them consume me, make me into weak jelly ... send me to a dark room to not face Life. I'm not hiding from anything even if I quiver in my ... boots.

Written, owned (photo too) ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.