My son, Tommy ... and his son
Tears of grief overwhelmed my very Heart so, much I couldn't breathe very well. Causing such discomfort to take me to the hospital ER last night.
All kinds of tests show my Heart to be just fine ... the tests didn't show the pure pain I feel inside. The doctor said I had a new heart when I had my surgery in April this year. At least we know I'm just fine physically.
The pain, discomfort in my chest can't be seen on an EKG nor an x-ray ... can't show up in the tests done. My pain is invisible ... no one, not even I can see it ... I am the only one who feels it.
The feeling of wanting to just fall down ... cry ... overwhelms me. It won't, can't change a thing. My son can't come back. No matter what ... this is the impossible in Life ... one can't bring a loved one back from the other side.
This IS the one mountain I can't move in my life ... this is the mountain I will go up, go down, go up, down for the rest of my life. No matter what I do ... it will always be there.
I don't dare let myself begin to cry ... I might never stop crying again. I just feel it all in the center of my chest ... heartache, discomfort that doesn't show up on tests at all. It's only known to ME ... I am the only person who knows where it's at.
No ... no ... a mother never gets over the loss of her child. She fools herself into believing for a time she has found peace of mind ... she satisfies everyone around her that all is just fine. She even feels fine for a time. It's a game of pretending all is well ... one has to play the game for everyone's sake. We don't make others sad because we are.
This is one of those very real games we have to play in life ... it's called surviving the loss of a child. If we don't play it ... if I don't play it being a grieving mother ... I won't survive, I won't live to be old one day. I have someone who needs ME ... my whole world, Skip and the Pups3. I have to be here for them.
Grief is one of the heaviest loads any one person can carry in life. No one can see how heavy it is ... you might not tell how heavy it is as you watch another person carry it. All you see is the physical person standing, walking ... the burden they carry on their shoulders isn't one seen at all.
The only thing Skip said he saw ... could tell I'm going through this time of hurting ... are my eyes. He recognized the pain in my eyes. I wasn't aware of that.
People who have lost someone smile as they go through life never showing, talking their pain. Oh yes, they are carrying that load well ... they have learned to cope.
No one ever sees how it really is ... unless someone sits, whines and cries all the time feeling sorry for themselves. Some people crave the attention ... want to be showered with sympathy, and words of 'poor, poor you'. Don't no one dare ever do that to ME. I don't need, nor want that kind of attention.
I try never-ever to show my pain especially like at this moment. I have to stay to myself so, I can get better inside. I avoid people ... I avoid talking ... I just want to be very quiet until all is okay again. I never-ever feel sorry for myself ... I don't waste time in a negative way. I keep putting that mental foot forward ... one step at a time.
It's not an easy walk back to the smoother path I'm trying to get back on. I DO get back on ... I have to ... I don't want to live in the darkness again. I am a sunshine person ... I'm so fortunate to find the sunshine again in my life ... I didn't know that I ever would.
Grief ..... pure, pure grief. Pain ... from loving completely someone with one's heart ... only to lose that person unexpectedly. I think the closest person one can lose is being a mother who loses a child ...the one whose body actually brought that child into the world.
I am that person ... tomorrow is that child's birthday. Tomorrow ... November 20th ... is Tommy's birthday. Tommy's birth was a very difficult one ... so much so ... I wasn't ever tempted to have another child. No one could have paid ME to go through such a nightmare again. I treasured my one child, my only child.
Grief ... pure, pure grief ...
It's invisible yet ... it's the most powerful emotion one can have. One can't take a break from it ... one can't run from it ... it's so much bigger than I. It's inside ME ... no matter where I go it will go with me the same as my bones, blood, heart, lungs do ... I can't make it get out of my body. I AM going to live with it whether I want to or not ... I have no choice ... I have to, I will. I want to live until I am old. I want to grow older gracefully.
I want for Skip and me to know how it feels again to not want just the necessities of life to make it ... I would like us to live without the worry of paying bills and not having anything left. I know realistically ... we aren't the only ones who struggle in today's time. Whatever ... we will make all be alright, we don't give up.
Grief ... pure, pure grief is pure, pure love from one's very heart. Such special love for someone who means the world to you. I see now since Tommy has died that ... as long as I love my son with my Heart ... I am going to grieve. That's okay ... I can, will get myself back together again ... for now it is taking a little time.
That's okay ... it isn't the first time I've had to be 'Humpty-Dumpty' ... put my pieces back together again. One more thing ... it's okay to be sad ... grieve in a good way ... good meaning you know you are going in the direction of being alright again. You have to ... you truly have to.
I always try to go toward the sunshine ... happy colors of Life. For now ... the days without sunshine ... rainy days ... affect me helping to make me sad. Just for now ... I'm going to be quiet, still ... and become stronger again. For now ... I am hoping my heartache will go away soon ... along with it the feeling of wanting to cry. I can be alright once that happens. It's all there in the center of my chest ... a big lump of pain ... like someone has placed a baseball there.
Skip wondered what the lump of pain is ... when he asked me ... my answer came out naturally so, I know it's true ... I answered, "it's heartache". It's pure heartache.
Note by this Author:
I always promised to write, describe grief as I lived it ... try to tell you what it's like. I write about pain, grief ... real life as I live it. I write what I think. I never argue anything with anyone ... I write for others to read, go on with their life ... come back again if interested in anything I have to say. I'm surprised at the ones who have followed me on my blogs all through time ... I'm most honored. You all have stayed with Me as I lived the loss of my son. I treasure you.
Written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates Gloria Bates Colors Skip Bates Tommy M Sidden Dukester Kissy Camie Precious Camo Photos are owned by Me, also.
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