11-18-2019 Gloria Faye Brown Bates
I tried ... to see ... the pain from grief after my tests results showed my Heart doing as it should.
I try to write, describe it as I promised I would when I began to write after my son, Tommy's death.
Hospital tests don't show the pain in a mother's heart ... why she can't breathe ... why she can't make the panicky feelings go away.
I have been coping so, so well for a long time. This pain, pure grief slipped up on ME ... did I somehow leave the key to my Heart unlocked? How did this happen? Why?
Why? I am learning as I live after my child's death that my grief is simply pure love for the child I had once.
I am learning no matter how long time separates me from the day he died ... I have coped in a good, positive way ... I think I won't hurt so deeply anymore ... this is a pain with a mind of its own.
This pain strikes out of the blue. Who knows what triggers it when one can't see why. We all have deep memories in our subconscious ... we always remember even if not conscious of it.
I have faced this pain head-on in the past ... not this time ... I don't have time to sit back in the darkness of my mind when ... I already know what hurts ME. I have my own little world who loves, depends on ME to be alright. Skip and our Pups3.
Now that I know from the doctor, tests ... my heart is doing as it should (from double bypass surgery ... 2 complete blockages ... widowmaker ... April 26, 2019) ... what is left to make my heart hurt badly, making it difficult to breathe.
It is ... grief ... pure heartache ... pure love for my son. That love for him can't ever go away hence ... grief won't ever go away.
Yes, time does help ... one can get themselves into a state of mind to cope with the worst pain I have personally ever known. I can do that. I just don't know the secret to ...
How? Why? that pain can slip out quietly through the lock I have put on my Heart hurting ME so deeply ... I have to once again stop all I am doing physically to cope. This time for almost a week ... being physically sick to my Heart.
I have a suspicion even I ... who tries to study all that affects my life, emotions ... won't ever know the answer to one day ... tell you ... my readers ... so you can know. So if you are ever grieving ... it could help you. For now ... I keep my promise to you to describe.
Thankfully ... the sunshine is out today ... my son, Tommy's birthday ... November 20th.
It makes me smile even with tears in my eyes ... making me know everything IS going to be alright again. I really am going to be alright.
The pain in my Heart is for my son ... grief ... yearning, wishing he wasn't gone so much with my Heart that I feel physical pain.
Never feel sorry for ME ... I have lived through many things realizing to live ... I have to make myself keep getting up, keep making my feet go forward one step at a time all the while dusting my pants off.
I do this smiling through the pain ... I do this thinking of my Grandma Alma ... her legacy to ME is the incredible fighting spirit I have inside my body, heart. She lived paralyzed for over 20 years ... to be so weak ... she WAS the strongest woman I ever knew.
Thank you, Grandma Alma ... your fighting spirit is what keeps me here today.
Happy Birthday, Tommy M Sidden. Physically you aren't here ...you are here in my Heart ... I know by feeling so much love ... it hurts.
Everything IS going to be alright ... like Humpty-Dumpty ... I have been playing 'pick up the pieces again' ... soon they will all be back in place.
Note by this Author:
Photos, true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.
I study myself, each emotion, thought I have when writing. I try to learn constantly ... the 'whys?' ... of Life.
Maybe you can see, learn something you see that I don't. It would be Special if any words I wrote touched your life in a good way. 💖💖💖
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