Thursday, March 31, 2016

I Choose My Battles ... I Won This War Many Years Ago ... I Survived, Grew Up

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Learning to ... let go ... in life is hard to do. Sometimes, there comes times when one has to accept some things can't change, has to be. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a little girl ..........................

I will write MY LIFE, MY STORIES anytime, anywhere ... any way I want to write them.

If you happened to be in them when I was very young ... and YOU affected my life ... I will write it.  I won't ever call names ... I respect privacy.  

You write what you want to about YOUR FAMILY in the way you remember, know ... that's your choice ... that is what you know you remember, experienced in your young life.

I will write the things that happened to me as a child ... and if it offends any ... remaining family that happens to be related to me ... and I will add ... that I never grew up with to know at all ... you will have to cope with it.  My life is NOT about you ... my life is about myself and the ones who touched it, shaping it with their hands, their actions.

As for 'writing material' ... MY WHOLE LIFE ... IS my writing material.  Anything that touched, affected MY LIFE is mine to write about.  I don't write to hurt others ... but, if you take it personally ... you choose to do that.  The people that existed when I was a child ... don't exist today.  The children have grown up to be someone else .... people I don't know ... people I'll never know ... strangers.  

If I really wrote about 'some things' that happened ... you'd be shocked.  If I wrote names of the ones who inflicted things on me as a child ... it would be some of my ... family's fathers, uncles.  I don't name names because for years I've never told anyone ... and I don't have even one reason to name them.  Their actions shaped me, made me very strong.  It no longer matters ... who ... done what. What matters is ... how it made me become as a whole person.

Did I grow up to forgive?  Oh yes, I forgave many years ago.  I don't know how I grew up to be a positive, forgiving person who has compassion, cares with my very Heart ... God knows all that was inflicted on me as a child was just the right formula ... to make me be the most negative person in this world.  

Was I an angry child, person growing up ... oh, Hell yes!  My anger was hotter than Hell I grew up in.  Over time ... when I say that ... over many, many years ... the anger faded into the background.  Did it go completely away? 

NO.  I can still become very angry ... at the unfairness in this big, old world ... at the awful things that happen to people over this big-ass world.  I am for the under-dog ... I become angry at anyone who hurts, mistreats handicap people, homeless people, and children, and animals.  

I would have a very horrible punishment for people ... 'if' it were up to me to mete out the punishment for people hurting the ones I just mentioned.  People would be afraid to mistreat, hurt someone ... my punishment would be swift, no questions asked.  So, it's a good thing I don't have that power.

Getting back to 'family' ... I have no family left that I even know.  I never grew up with the ones who are ... related.  If it upsets you that I can't bond with you ... I really am sorry.  I truly am.  I just can't ... I have tried, and I'm so sensitive to people ... all it takes is one little word, action ... and I 'let go' in an instant.  It's impossible for me to 'bond with you' ... I've tried ... can't ... won't ever try again.  It's all gone ... it will never be.  I send you love, please go your way ... I don't want you in my life.  

I have one more thing to say ... concerning a letter I received yesterday.  When it is thought that I would cause someone in your family not to want anything else to do with you ... you assumed I caused that.  Not so.  Assuming I would do something like that ... thinking I would play that 'old family game' I grew up in ... is like slapping me in the face.  I would never do that.  If it happened, you did something I don't know about.  So, no ... I have nothing to do with anything that affects your life ... except ... me.  

I keep my ass out of it.  I don't want to waste time 'being family' anymore ... it isn't going to work ... we don't have anything in common ... anything to create a solid bond.  We are toxic to each other ... our whole family was like that growing up.  I don't want it in my life.  Life is very hard for me ... I don't need you adding to it. 

Go your way peacefully, forget me.  I don't choose to let anyone in my life because ... I don't need anymore negative to fight.  I've tried to tell you ... the one who keeps on and on ... in the nicest of words, the nicest of ways ... please leave me alone.  

Please go on with your life ... all these years we've not communicated, gotten to know each other .... we can't possibly connect ... at this time in my life.  I will always remember, love the child I remember you were ... only with a difference since knowing you caused the accident that hurt me.  I still love that child ... but, through time I never got to know you.

Another thing ... you said all I wanted was to having writing material having to do with you.  Don't be vain ... my life's story isn't about you ... you only affected it in a couple of ways when I was a child, and a teenager.  If you affected my life in good or bad ways ... I AM going to write it ... but, no one will ever know it was you, except ... you.  

If you take it personally ... I'm so sorry because, it might not be ... about you ... if it is ... it's about a child in my childhood days ... a different person than you are today.  No one won't recognize you ... no one knows you ... if you feel you are the one it's about ... then, it must be you ... and only if you tell it, yourself ... no one will ever know it was ... you.

Just simply quit reading my life ... simply live only your life.  Quit trying to begin a war ... I choose my battles, this isn't one of them. I won this one many years ago ... I survived, I grew up ... and now, I'm fearless, strong.  I AM NOT going to fight it again.  I'm just not, and that's just the way it is.  In fact, I am not going to give it anymore words than I've given as I write here today.

I don't want to see anyone when anyone comes to North Carolina. I don't ... even I can't explain exactly 'why?'  I just ... can't.  I won't force myself.  You don't know me at all ... I don't know you at all.  I feel no connection.  

I'm no one to you, and you are strangers to me that I wish the best for.  I have no hard feelings toward anyone, and being open, honest ... probably has created hard feelings toward me  ... I'm a big girl, I can handle that. Sometimes ... life has to be like that. Just say I'm the one who turned their back ... on family I never had, nor knew.  I don't know you ... I just don't know you.  

You are family I don't know, and when I see the same things I grew up in ... I don't want to know, be a part of. Simple as that.  Please leave me alone.  The family I knew ... even if they weren't perfect at all (I'm damn-sure not perfect) ... were the ones who were my foundation ... family I knew ... they have all died, leaving me alone with no family.

If you think I caused someone to turn against you ... you are so wrong.  If I can't help you, I would sure not hurt you.  I am not like the ... family ... I grew up in.  I don't blackmail ... turn others against others ... cause grief, or try to destroy the other family member.  I don't work in an underhand fashion trying to destroy you ... while pretending to love, not understand 'why' someone doesn't like you.  Go play your games in the family you know ... I'm just as much a stranger as anyone you'll meet out here on the street.

God knows with all going on in my life ... I don't have the time, mind, or energy to go about ... hurting others.  That's not 'me'. You knew that, though you said what you did.  You thought it would make me write back a big-ass letter ... I do my writing here. I'm not getting into ugliness like when I grew up ... your letter was a bait to get me into mud-slinging, accusations, just pure ugliness.  I will not bite it ... I don't feel that way at all.  

In fact, I don't feel any way about all of it ... I'm sorry to say ... that's exactly what I expected from you.  I knew you couldn't graciously stay in your own life without ugliness first.  I'm not going to be ugly to you BUT, I will say what I truly feel for the last time ... here.  Please leave me alone, please go back to your own life ... you are crossing a line here ... and I can't allow it ... I won't. So, it's best to forget I am even remotely related to you ... I'm a stranger.

I will go on writing my life ... the people who are alive today from that time ... aren't the same people.  Your life is yours.  I can't live yours, you can't live mine.  You were only in my life for a very short period of time when I was little ... you aren't the ones who did the 'bad' things to me.  Only one person did cause a bad thing to me ... I would have never known if they hadn't told me a couple years ago. 

I don't hold that against you ... our families taught us to be like that when we hated, disliked, became jealous of someone else.  In your mind, a little 5-6 old girl 'got what she deserved'.  This is in reference to when I was pushed into a ditch in a wagon ... the wagon turned over, I was thrown out on top of a broken, gallon, glass jar.  

We were taught to be ugly ... you just did what you had learned ... probably never felt remorse, sadness for causing an awful accident to happen to another little girl.  I still hear your laughter in my mind as you told me you were the one who caused it.  I turned against you at that very moment ... I 'knew' it wasn't possible to ever have a connection with you.  You laughed each time I asked you about doing such a thing ... you seemed proud. I was like ... 'oh my, wow!' 

It cut my leg very badly ... I remember wearing a big cast, and my step-father carrying me in his arms.  I never knew I'd made another female cousin not like me ... be jealous of my boy cousin (the one who was told to push me in the ditch).  I was just a little, innocent girl.  

I carry that big scar today on the back of my right leg.  Just think how bad the cut on my leg was as a little girl ... all because of you being jealous.  I didn't know the meaning of the word ... jealous. How did you ... you weren't much older than I?  I don't hold it against you.  It's no longer important, the damage is done.

When this person told me ... I was in like shock for a short time that someone would want to hurt me so bad ... and for that someone to be a little child, also ... when it happened.  I got over the shock, and I forgave.  I have to say that periodically ... I did, do think about that.  I'm pure amazed.  That tells me to never-ever let that person into my life.  Also, the words that you wrote, written each time ... I don't want to let you, anyone in my life ... they are alarms, also. My doors are closed.

The thing is that I know this one person I've made reference to ... is a good person in her own life ... I can't see how it could be a 'good thing' in ... my life.  I could keep adding other reasons, but ... I won't.  It all comes back to ... I just don't know you all at all.  I only know things that helped to make my mind up ... just like with deciding to be 'friends' with any stranger out here.  This isn't meant to be an insult at all.

I am sorry I have to write this.  I'm not writing a personal letter ... those days are gone.  The letter I received is in the trash can ... I don't play 'family games'... nor do I play accusations that aren't true.  

As for brothers I have in this world ... they've never responded when I tried to connect ... those days are gone.  We'll never know each other in our older life anymore than we did in our whole life ... which means we never knew each other.  I don't appreciate your comments on my brothers ... see, you never knew, or grew up with them either.

We were all split up as children.  I have 2 half brothers, 1 half sister ... I don't know them. There's a natural 'love/hate' thing there, only made worst by the one person who caused my accident as a child.  I already know how you have meddled in saying things about me to them. I don't know them anymore ... than I know you.  

It came to me that you are exactly like an aunt I had ... with all the meanness she had inside her, the poison ... jealousy, anger.  The spite and the 'I'm going to get your ass back if you don't do as I want you to'.  Doesn't work with me ... I'm not afraid.  Anything you want to do, say ... I'm ready to tell my faults, first.  It'll just be more ... writing material for me.

You aren't a nice person ... I know more than you knew that I did. You are like our 'family' who constantly operated like this ... to isolate others from being loved, cared about.  It's you only, who wants to be looked up to, loved and cared about.  I'll leave all that to you ... I'll never compete for anyone's love ... never.  

I love myself, my world.  If I'm ever alone with myself one day ... I'll have myself ... whom I can live with, be happy with.  I'm not going to hurt others ... to be 'king/queen of the mountain' ... at the expense of hurting others to be ... important, self-important. 

(Playing king/queen of the mountain is in reference to a game we played as children ... the children were ruthless in knocking others down the 'mountain'.  Only I couldn't hurt the others like that ... we were just little children).  I was hurt a lot of times.

I know I'm not perfect. I won't steal love, caring from others ... I couldn't live with myself doing that.  Sometimes, they need love, caring ... too.    

Over time I've studied 'you' (the one who caused me to be hurt as a child) ... the things said about you, the things you've done, said to others ... all of these things fell into place.  No, there's no chance of ever trusting you.  I just have to always love you, let go. 

I have one brother who died ... he and I were close, I loved him with my very Heart.  He was my half-brother ... but, we never noticed the 'half'. I've said this many times ... all the very people whom I truly loved, felt a connection to ... have died. Rick-Rick was MY Brother ... he loved me unconditionally ... just as I loved him.  Rick-Rick died ... my only real brother died.

He and I never played games ... we truly saw, knew each other's Heart.  I WAS his sister ... we trusted the other not to hurt the other, and was always there for the other.  That's how sisters, brothers are ... never choosing to take offense at every little thing, going on to live knowing you have a sibling who truly loves you ... for you. You never had to fear that the other was going to turn against you ... never.  I never thought of such ... neither did he.  We were ... real.

It's strange ... the very people who were most important at one time or other ... in my life, died.  I never knew anyone else ... excepting as a small child.  My family died out ... if anyone takes that in a personal way ... it's just an excuse to get angry at someone ... me. I don't have any family left.  If you want to do that ... I'm sorry you are punishing yourself, wasting your time on angry, bad thoughts when you don't have to. You were never a part of my life ... it doesn't mean I hate you ... or thought you turned your back on me ... our lives put us in other states many miles from the other.  Our lives went on ... that didn't include 'us'. 

I don't feel that way about you.  I only wish good things for you as you go your way, live your life ... please leave my life alone.  I am not going to play games, argue back, forwards.  I'm just simply not.

Now ... I need to invent a game called 'Family Games' ... I promise it would be very interesting if based on my life.

As for writing material ... I will write about what I want to.  As for writing about the person who sent me the letter ... I want you to read this, understand that I don't hate you at all.  I don't mean anything 'bad' when I say I don't want you in my life ... I don't disrespect you ... I don't choose to 'war' with you and I definitely will not do that ... you won't win.  I am already the winner ... this war was fought long ago ... I'm still here.  Oh, I survived the accident, too.    

You only played a small role in my life when I was the little girl who was dumped out of the wagon ... onto the broken glass, gallon jar.  That was one of the first most painful memories in my life. You caused that ... I didn't know that until I was an older adult.  I don't hate you for that.  Doesn't matter ... the memory happened ... I wrote about it.  If it gets on my mind again ... I will write about it as I 'turn it around' in my mind to study it.

As for my jewelry ... I never thought you wanted my jewelry.  I don't know where that came from.  I understand you were complimenting it ... thank you.  Each piece has a special, heart-touching story behind it, and I treasure each one.  Thank you very much for liking it. 

I didn't understand when you made a comment about my ring ... that it was a compliment with the words you used ... I still don't understand ... but, I believe you when you said it was a compliment ... I have no other reason to believe otherwise.  Also, it's not important.  I don't try to find fault with you, the things you say.  I'm not perfect at all ... I made a mistake in misinterpreting your meaning.  I can only apologize, sincerely.

I received a letter from you ... the contents stayed on my mind last night when I went to bed.  I gently placed that letter into the trash can, knowing I would never answer it with a written letter.  

Sometimes, we instinctively know when something is a waste of time.  All we can do is to completely 'let go' for good when we see ... nothing can cement a bond with anyone we don't have a connection with.  It's all gone. Sad, but true.  There would never be a trust of each to know one wouldn't hurt the other ... no matter they wouldn't ... but, we wouldn't know that.

I don't want to get to know anyone at this late day, time of my life that is related to me.  There aren't any true connections ... neither of us can help that ... it just is naturally so.  Sadly, when it's been tried ... it gets off to a wonderful beginning ... only to end in a not good way.  I'm just not going to get in that position ever again.  Maybe it's my fault ... I might not know how to connect with people ... especially when I sense they aren't completely sincere.  I'll take the blame ... though, no one has to.  It doesn't matter.  It's just another thing about me ... I can't trust easily, especially if I 'sense something' not good about someone.

If that makes me a bad person, even knowing I'm a good person ... then, so be it.  I'll have to be a 'bad-good person'.  When I choose a war ... it will be for a good reason.  I won't choose useless, empty wars from long ago.  I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, I grew up.  

I have to live in reality ... I can't live in the past.  Reality is too real for me to waste time on things in the past.  I can't do both ... I don't choose to.

I can only apologize in all sincerity that it is ... me, myself, I ... that can't form a 'family bond' ... it's me.  I can't form bonds that were never there to begin with ... I can't form bonds on memories as much as I wish I could.  It takes two people to fully connect, want it as much as the other, never looking back ... only going forward. I'm only one ... sadly, I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm at fault here ... too much water has passed under the dam ... it's gone so far away now ... I can't go find any of it.  Life today keeps me anchored right ... here.  I'm just so sorry because I admire families who love each other, who are close-knit.  

God knows I've wished for that all my life.  I've accepted I don't, won't have family ... I'm okay with it.  It seems it bothers others ... when it shouldn't.  All these many years I was no one to them ... I only thought of them once in a while ... that was the extent of being related.  We were in no way ever a part of each other's life than I've been a part of a stranger's life.  It just never was.

I don't understand why? it causes anger, accusations ... mean words when I'm staying in my life ... on my side of the line ... when you are clearing crossing the line coming out of your life ... to touch mine.  

I've told you ... I don't want contact ... I don't want you to be in my life ... I don't want to be in yours.  Doesn't mean it's a bad thing at all.  It's pure respect, love, caring ... not wanting to ever be in a position to cause pain ... because that's surely to happen in anyone who is 'family ... our family' ... no one stays close, loyal very long.  

Nothing is permanent ... it never lasts.  I choose to never begin such a relationship ... I've tested the waters ... those damned piranhas bit my feet every damn time!  I'm tired of ... hurting, bleeding.  Now, that my feet have healed ... I've learned my lesson ... be damned if I'll ever let another piranha, nor a black widow spider ... bite my ass, or feet again.  I'll say it again ....

I choose my battles ... I won this war many years ago ... I survived, grew up.

Note by this Author:

This is written to one person in particular ... who will recognize all I've wrote.  I mean it in the nicest way ... for them to go on with their life ... it can't be.  It CAN NOT be.  We are too old now, to waste anymore time ... focus on your big family ... love, pull them close to you.  You are so fortunate to have so many to love you.  

I will focus on my husband, 2 Pups ... they are all I have in this world. I treasure them ... and will protect, care for them.  I don't need to bring grief, strife into my life ... I don't have time to fight wars that are just a waste of time ... I don't feel the need to hurt others ... or have them inflict pain on me, in my life.   

Stay out of my life ... don't write mean letters ... it won't change a thing.  The letter you wrote, I received two days ago ... caused me to do a lot of deep thinking ... hence ... you see above is what I sincerely think.  

I understand where you are coming from ... thank you for telling me the things you did ... I can see how you would think some of them.  How else could you think since ...  you don't know me?  I respect that ... I am guilty of thinking things about people I don't know .... won't ever know unless ... having a real chance of knowing them.  I mean ... what else would you think?

Some of the things only hurt because when as little children, we were close only for a short several years of our life.  I cried over you when you also ... were jerked out of my life when all of us children lived in Hell at Grandma Alma's and George's.  

I never saw you again, excepting the one time when Grandma Alma died. I didn't know you, then .... and never made a connection ... bond to you.  

I don't understand 'now' when we are old, gray ... what the difference is.  Let go now ... just let go.  I love you, I will love you always.

Photo/true story written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Just Because You Know Something ... Doesn't Mean ... You KNOW It

Just Because You Know Something ... Doesn't Mean ... You KNOW It
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter

'No Salt' ... Mrs. Dash

The Number '3' ... has happened once again in my life.  Three ... 3 ... when things happen for a 3rd time in my life ... I listen, I pay attention ... I know it's time to open my eyes.

In fact, I feel the impact all the way through my body ... yes, the number 3 ... is that important in my life.  You can ignore your significant numbers all you want to ... I learned not to.

Things are going to happen ... I'm either going to take a stand, fight ... or make a significant change in my life.  Something is going to happen ... one way or other ... when the number 3 happens in my life.

If I ignore it ... my ass will be sorry for doing so.  Simple as that.  Life is life ... it's just the way it is. Reality.  Nothing more ... nothing less.  It's time for a life-altering change ... life will never be the same again ... time to move on ... in with the new ... out with the old.

I've been made aware of things I knew ... thought I knew so well ... only to see them in a new life. You know the moment when something makes such an impression on you ... that you are shocked into ... awareness.

All of a sudden ... you see things in a new light ... your ass wakes up ... what you thought you knew ... you found out you didn't know a damn thing when compared to what you just became aware of.  You know ... that sort of thing.

Since January ... our life has been turned upside down.  Skip has come close to death ... 3 times.  I've been there all along ... observing, listening ... feeling all those emotions that comes with the fear that ... my loved one could ... just die.  Just die, go away forever ... in my case ... leaving me all alone without anyone to love me as he does.

Until the 3rd time Skip was admitted back to the hospital last week ... did these eyes of mine ... open. This is the 3rd time since January ... he has been gravely ill.

January ... he was admitted for stroke.  His heart rate kept dropping very low.  He had a pacemaker put in.  This was the first time he was hospitalized.

March ... the second time he was hospitalized ... Skip couldn't breathe ... shortness of breath.  He had congestive heart failure ... he almost drowned in his own fluids.  They did a heart catherization ... put 2 stents in.

When they pulled the sheath out of his thigh/artery ... Skip began bleeding really bad.  He went through quite an ordeal when the nurses began applying pressure for the next 20 minutes ... then put an appliance on him to keep holding pressure.

He was sent home where he progressively went downhill.  He never got better in the two days he was home ... he fell twice.  He was deathly sick.  He couldn't walk, couldn't sit up at all. I called 911 ... they got him to the hospital.

Skip had fluid buildup back around his heart ... congestive heart failure again.  He was coughing ... he also, had pneumonia.  Not only that ... his right kidney shut down.

They found out that he had a huge kidney stone that he could never pass even if his kidney was okay. They put a stent up in his ureter tube from his kidney to his bladder to hold it open, heal.  They won't take the stone out until his ureter heals up.  For now, he can pass urine until then.  The tube they put up in him is called a uretheral stent.

Skip bled badly after the ureteral stent.  The following morning when I got to the hospital ... Skip was in total distress.  He was holding a bloody sheet to him ... blood was on the floor ... all over the commode in his bathroom.  His bed sheets were bloody.  Can you imagine my horror when I walked in his hospital room?

I did become a little ugly ... though I tried to speak softly.  I was angry ... his room ... all the blood 'everywhere.  I began taking sheets off his bed, asked the N/A to please help get the blood off the bathroom floor, commode.  I told her that was the first time I ever saw his room like that ... we got the room cleaned up.

I can't imagine how family who has never worked in a hospital would react to what I saw when I entered that room.  They shouldn't see that, not only that ... it shouldn't have been like that.  That was the one, only time ... there was a gap in taking care of him.

The nurse came in, and I talked with her.  She gave Skip medicine for the pain ... he began to calm down.  It broke my Heart ... I really was mad ... I was trying to be so nice at the same time.  I know no matter how nice I tried to be as angry as I was ... they saw the ugliness I was feeling because they let my loved one suffer.  It was the first, only time ... during all his times at the hospital I ever saw that happen.  It did not happen again.

Now ... I'll tell you about why my eyes are opened after all these years of my living on this earth.  I have watched Skip going through all of this .... I have almost died myself in 2004 ... I went into congestive heart failure ...  they were ready to put me on the ventilator ... I came to.  My eyes never opened 'then' to ... what finally hit home during this last hospital stay for Skip.

When I listened to the cardiologist, urologist ... nurses ... watched Skip ... it hit home.  Diet plays a major role in one's life ... it's hard for people to connect living good with eating good.  Eating good is eating good foods that are salty, sweet ... spicy .... anything to make it taste better ... we love it ... we eat it in excess.

I'm just as guilty as the next person ... so, was Skip.  We love good food.  Skip loves his sweets ... I love salty, spicy food.  Our hearts can't take all that ... especially after congestive heart failure.  Not only that ... I learned that 'fried foods' can help contribute to problems in the kidneys.

Don't ask me how it happened ... when it happened ... which doctor, nurse ... did it.  It was a combination of all ... and during this past week watching, listening ... the next thing I knew is that I began to eat very little food ... and no salt whatsoever.  No sweets.  I woke up ... I heard for the first time ... became aware of how diet affects one's life ... living, dying.  Yes, I already knew ... but, I really didn't 'know' until now.

When Skip came home from the hospital ... we both began talking at the same time about ... diet. You know how it is when you and someone goes through a shocking, scary time ... when all is settled, you both begin to immediately discuss it.  This is what we did.  We decided ... from now on ... healthy eating.  Now we know why 'old people' ... begin to eat healthy at a late age!

It's because we think we know everything until one day ... we find out that just because we knew something ... didn't mean we really knew it. Just because you know something ... doesn't mean you KNOW it.

Note by this Author:

Photo/true story owned/written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Skip Can't Come Home Yet ... Bleeding, Pain

Skip still isn't well.  Can't come home today 3-24-2016

Somehow, I knew Skip wasn't feeling well this morning before I talked to him. We are that close ... soulmates. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

When I got to the hospital this morning, Skip was in distress.  He has been bleeding from the surgery.  I began changing his gown, sheets ... called someone to help me.  His room had stayed neat, clean until this morning.

He is in such pain, was all day.  The nurse put him to bed to stay, gave him pain meds to help.  When I left ... Skip was going to sleep, finally calming down.  

I left because he would worry about me being there with him asleep not knowing I understand he needs to do exactly that.

I hoped he would come home but, thankfully ... he's not coming home too early this time.  

I am really worried about Skip.  He's been ill a long time and normally he bounces back.  We both do because we know the other is all we have.  

Goodnight everyone.  I wanted to update everyone at one time.  I'm a little stressed.  I want in the morning to come ... so, I can go again to the hospital, see good signs.

Strange ... I knew this morning before I called him to let him know I was in the hospital parking lot ... that he wasn't feeling well at all.  

Note by this Author:

Photo/story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Skip Comes Home Today ... 3-24-2016

Skip didn't come home like I thought ... yesterday evening.  I'm glad he didn't.  He needed to be observed.  He was bleeding a lot after the procedure was done.  

My Husband, Skip ... <3

My whole world comes back together under one roof ... today. Skip's coming home from the hospital! <3 Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Skip's right kidney had quit functioning like weeks ago.  That is why Skip had severe pain in his side.  With all going on with him ... the other was priority.  He went into congestive heart failure last week ... he's had 2 stents placed in his heart.  

When they did the heart catherization ... he began bleeding once the sheath was taken from his thigh ... the ungodly pressure they have to use to stop the bleeding ... oh my!

On top of all this, he has pneumonia.  He coughs a lot.  He suffered a stroke in January ... a pacemaker was put in him.  Skip has been a very sick man ... the cardiologist, urologist both ... said they didn't see how he was still here.  Three times, Skip has been on Death's doorstep.

The dye used in the CT scan blocked the kidney blockage the first time.  The urologist said that was unfortunate.  The second CT scan showed where his kidney was completely blocked.  It has been for weeks!  Thus, the pain in Skip's right side.

In 10 days ... they will go up to remove the huge kidney stone.  There's no way Skip can pass it.  The urologist told me that the damage could be reversible after all this.

So ... today ... Skip comes home!  I welcome him with open arms ... The Pups welcome him with ... open, soft paws!  We want our most-loved one ... home!

You all have been here through all of this.  I can tell you all thank you ... they are the only words I have in my vocabulary to tell you ... but ... you can be sure I mean so much more than even I can express.

Skip comes home today!  3-24-2016

Note by this Author:  All photos/story owned, written by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Skip and I ... are Battle-Worn, Weary

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I are battle-worn, weary. I will be glad when we've ... sailed these seas ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

Skip is up, walking ... he is sitting up, down.  He is a little irate ... he is really ... ready to come home!

This evening he will have one more procedure done.  That's the ureteral stent to keep the ureter open ... next week the big kidney stone will be broken up.  He is supposed to get to come home, afterwards.

Skip is still coughing ... pneumonia.  He has been on antibiotics/IV.  His body has been through the mill with the fluid once again around his heart, pneumonia ... and finding out the cause of his kidneys having problems.

He will recover from this.  I feel good about him leaving the hospital this time.  Last week, he was discharged too soon.  He never did begin getting better once he left ... he only became worse.  Worse to the stage, he couldn't function.  He slept ... and he couldn't walk ... he fell twice.  He couldn't sit up, he only fell backwards.  This time ... he is so much stronger.

Skip was in fine form, yesterday.  I could see it in his face ... he is wanting to come home very much.  He is fussing ... now.  I smile thinking about it!

I will have surgery in April ... this past summer I had to take some tests, discovered the cause of something I never knew I had for many years.  It caused much extra pain ... in combination with my 'forever' pain.  This extra-awful pain has happened out of the blue since I was young.  

You would think ... after all the CT scans, and all the other body scans I had for the years I battled cancer ... it would have been mentioned.  It wasn't.  The good thing is ... I know now.  When I found out ... my first thought was, 'I'll be damned'.

The pain has been there since I was a teenager ... it's so bad when it does happen ... that if I were driving, I would have to stop.  Whatever I was doing, I had to stop ... and I would literally bend over with it.  What is the pain?

I can't believe it ... hiatal hernia.  I'll be damned ... so, that's what that was all this time!

Note by this Author:

I can only say, I will be glad when Skip and I have .... sailed these seas.  We are battle-worn, weary.  

Photos/story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Skip's in the Hospital For 3rd Time Since January 2016 ...

 By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/@GeeGranny on Twitter ... Photos owned by me.

My Precious Husband, Skip

For the third time since January 9th, 2016 ... Skip has been in the hospital ... 

Skip fell twice, hurting both knees ... since he came home on February 17th.  He only got worse when he left the hospital.  

He couldn't eat, only slept ... he fell twice ... his legs hurt him very bad.  He couldn't walk, only slide down.  Not only that, he couldn't sit up ... when I helped him to sit, he fell backwards.

He had the 'dry cough' again, meaning in his condition ... more fluid around his heart.  He was very sick.  He became breathless.

Yesterday morning, I called for help ... for the first time.  I had gotten Skip ready for the drive into Raleigh.  40 miles is a long ways to go (our local hospital closed down October 2015 ... it is only 4 miles from us).  40 miles is a long way to drive when someone is deathly ill.  Something told me to call for help.

I called 911.  They came, took him back to Rex Hospital where they kept him.  I was so thankful to see the ambulance drive up in our yard.

Skip's kidneys aren't functioning as they should, he has pneumonia (despite I kept making him change positions at home) ... he has fluid buildup around his heart once again.  He can't walk, sit up.

Skip is a very sick man.  My whole world is falling apart again for the ... 3rd time ... this year.  Note that I say .... 3rd time.

Remember how 'threes' out of all numbers play a major role in my life?  My way of thinking now ... is Skip is going to get past this, and he's going to be alright.

I will say ... yesterday when I left, I felt better about Skip.  He'd been at the hospital ... sent to a room ... had constant care all day.  I left yesterday evening ... with more peace of mind.

Our friend, Chelsea King, cutting Skip's food up ... she came from work to see Skip.  She always cheers him up with her wonderful, witty self.  We love her very much.  

Skip had sat up just a little ... took the few steps to the bathroom from the bed ... on his own.  Everyone stood ready to assist him if he began to fall, including me. Our friend, Chelsea, helped to lift his legs ... move him in bed.  Chelsea, thank-you from my Heart. 

I was already going through such grief, turmoil because ... he couldn't walk before that!  Skip walked!  Only a few steps but, his legs worked.  

Can't you imagine the elation in my very Heart?  I have cried many tears of happiness on the way home, last night when I went to bed, thanking God.  I was so afraid.

I feel real hope again.  Everything is going to be alright.  I am very weary ... mentally, physically.  

I feel myself growing even more stronger as each day, event goes by.  Mentally ... I am a strong giant ... yet, very fragile.  

I'm weary from the battles of life but, I'm strong enough to plant both feet on the ground ... meet it head-on. 

Skip is in good hands ... not only that ... the prayers that are coming his way non-stop ... make all the difference in the world.  I'm so grateful ... I believe in prayer, I believe in miracles.  I believe Skip is going to be a miracle once again.  He has survived many battles in his life, including colon cancer.  He'll do it again.

This is what is happening in my world at present.  Strangely ... no matter how bad ... I know everything is going to be alright.  

Just because I say that doesn't mean I don't feel so weak, tired inside ... I do.  I become afraid yet ... all the time, I know all will be alright.

Skip is in the hospital for 3rd time .... since January 2016.  This is what is happening in my world at present.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Note by this Author:

Skip and our Pups are my whole world ... without them I have nothing.  My world became smaller each time all my loved one died, including my only child ... my son, Tommy.  You can understand how much my husband, Pups ... mean to me.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Deep Breaths and a Shower

Deep Breaths and a Shower
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My Precious Husband, Skip.  Fell asleep after medication for pain ... he was in a lot of pain.

I woke up this morning ... I'm ready to take Life on again. The sun is shining, what a beautiful day! Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I get out of my car
Unlock the gate, enter

Open the door, enter
Take deep breaths

Goodbye world for another day
I can't take anymore of you

Take my clothes off as I head
To the shower, turn the hot water on

Get under the warm spray
Let my mind go ... imagine

Wonderful, good things to come
My life has been Hell once again

I've almost lost my husband
For the second time in two months

I can't take anymore
I feel afraid ... I've cried all this day

My whole world is being threatened
Life has taken my family, including

My only one and only child
I have no one left excepting my husband

Our two precious dogs
They are my whole world

If you take my husband away, Life
The Pups and I will be all alone

I have been so afraid these past days
Death, you stay away now

Leave my whole world alone
They are all I have between this big, old world

And being completely alone
Only three, my husband and Pups

Between the world and I
When most people have many more

Life took from me all my loved ones
I don't even ask why

You ask me why don't I
Because I am realistic ...

I know I'll never get an answer
I won't even waste my time

I put on my nightgown, brush my hair
Brush my teeth ... go to the bedroom

Turn my covers back, fluff my pillows
I lay me down to sleep

The night away ... wake up
To face another day

Life ... sun shining ... what a beautiful day!

Note by this Author:

Photo/poem owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.