Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... I Write My Grief October 18, 2020

Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... October 18, 2020

I remember watching my little son riding his motorcycle up the circular driveway on our land in the mountains. He was flying! I watched him smiling ... until I looked out in the yard, saw a cinderblock laying in his path. He couldn't see it as he rode uphill. I could see it ... all of a sudden my world turned into a nightmare. My son was riding toward death and I couldn't prevent it. I remember screaming to him ... he couldn't hear me. He was in his own happy little world. I watched in horror as he flew up the driveway ... topped the hill ... hit that cinderblock. I was already running toward him. I saw him fly up in the air as he wrecked ... I ran to him crying, knowing my little boy was dead. I began smiling when he jumped up before I got to him saying, "I'm alright, Mama!" Last night with my Kissy ... I came into the living room to sit with Kissy ... he laid down beside my foot on the floor ... I knew he was too weak to get up on the loveseat/ottoman with me where he loves to lay. I placed my foot on his back gently ... he loves that. I comfort him like that when he can't lay beside me. I fell asleep, woke up ... Kissy was laying beside me ... on the loveseat/ottoman ... sleeping peacefully. I smiled, made sure he had some of my warm blanket on him. Before that ... Kissy had a hard time breathing. Before daylight this morning he had the worst time yet. All I could do was place my hand on him, gently pat him ... let him know his mommy was by his side. I notice he will stand a lot and I know it's because he can't lay down. I notice the way he holds his proud head, body ... it has become 'sad' ... he doesn't sit like he did. I'm noticing all the subtle changes in him. Something tells me ... it's time. Tomorrow I am going to have to call ... get information on how much it will cost to get Kissy the shot that will take away all his suffering. I am going to also, call Carolina Pet Cremation to find out what it will cost for cremation. Skip is upset ... we both have been grieving for what is coming. The pain is so deep, it hurts really bad. Skip wants Kissy to be cremated like Fairchild and Chadwick were. I don't know if I can raise money to have him cremated ... I am going to try to raise money to get him to the vet for the shot. I will do the best I can. I told Skip if he couldn't get Kissy cremated we could ask our friend if he will make a place for him here with a big rock. I would paint the rock for Kissy. Skip seemed satisfied when I told him that. Skip is facing heart surgery ... Tuesday we will see the surgeon. He will have a heart valve replacement. He and Kissy not being well at the same time upsets Skip Bates Skip. Both have heart conditions. I feel as if my little, precious world is spiraling out of control. Of course I don't know the future ... I would be afraid of knowing at this point. I do know my Heart is breaking over Kissy. He is having a good morning, he ate ... went outside with my help down the steps ... came back and is sleeping peacefully in front of the fan. Moments like this make me think he will be okay ... realistically ... I know better. Some people could say ... 'well, he's just a dog'. I would tell them, 'no, he isn't just a dog ... he has been my baby for 10 years ... he has so much of my love invested in him .... he is my link to Tommy ... 10 years ago Tommy and our 12 year old Rottie died within several months of each other ... oh my God, the devastation, grief. Kissy entered the picture as a 6 week old puppy. I'll never forget when we went to Wilmington, NC to pick him up. He was running around with his siblings ... he made a little growly sound that got my attention. It was too cute, precious ... I chose Kissy. He became my baby. Also ... and I know and don't know if reincarnation is possible ... but, if it was ... then Tommy came back as Kissy :) <3 :) Just a short time before Tommy died he was visiting us ... he was playing with Fairchild and Chadwick ... our dogs then. Tommy looked at me and said, 'Mom, if I died I would want to come back as yours and Skip's dog'. We never know ... strange things do happen. We enjoyed thinking Kissy could be Tommy because strange enough ... Kissy did things to remind us of Tommy. :) :) :) Of course, we knew Kissy was ... Kissy. <3 <3 <3 But ... what if? :) <3 :) This is what's on my mind this morning. I know what's coming and I am going to have to be strong no matter what. I have 2 of my most loved ones in this world not well. My Heart cries a lot lately, silently. This is another time in my Life that is critical. I can't go dig a hole to put my head in the sand ... I feel like it so, I don't have to face up. I'm not made that way ... I'm no good to my precious world like that ... I can only meet it head-on ... and again I can only do the best I can. Year 2020 ... what a year this has been for our big world, our country ... our loved ones. Millions have died from the pandemic/COVID-19. If that weren't bad enough, so many 'firsts' in our lives ... all the hurricanes, wildfires, the list goes on. Our whole world has been in a constant grief that won't go away no time soon. So ... much ... death. My Heart has felt so much from all going on ... March, April and May ... I lost my strength, sunk into an awful depression. All that was happening ... people dying ... the virus creating destruction in its path, the fear of contracting it ... Skip's health had become critical again. We had to stay inside ... Skip wasn't well ... I was alone with only my thoughts. I came out of that depression determined to not fall in it again. I'm still determined. I'm still determined ... I'm still determined. I'm no good to anyone if I'm off in a dark world somewhere trying to not feel pain. So ... I'm not running away. Just because I cry sometimes doesn't mean I'm not strong. I expect a lot more tears in my Heart.

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

After tomorrow's appointment finally to the main one Tuesday with heart surgeon. We will know what we are facing and prepare for whatever battles are ahead. We mean ... I mean to win them, face them head-on. If there's one thing I know how to do in Life ... it's to battle, I have since a little child. I might not do it gracefully, cry and 'raise hell' ... fight like hell ... but, I'm still here and oh my, the battle scars my body carries ... my mind carries. :) <3 :) I am strong when Skip isn't, I'm his strength when for a time he doesn't have his. You might see me bent down under the weight , maybe falter for a time ... you will also see me get myself right back up and keep going. :) <3 :) I think if I would have been a man I would have been 'one helluva a boxer' ... I would have fought to the end. Mentally I have been gearing up for whatever is ahead. I don't only have Skip Bates Skip to battle for ... my Kissy, also. Today he had another spell. I can be calm now as I make sure his legs, head aren't twisted unnaturally. I make sure they are stretched out like they should be. I did cry because I had the overwhelming sense today that he wouldn't be here much longer. If I ever cry it doesn't mean I'm weak at all ... it means I love, care with my very Heart. Even if I'm afraid it doesn't mean I'm weak ... it means when I fight it's going to be one helluva of a fight that I mean to win ... if I don't win it won't be for not doing my best. Am I a tough guy, cookie? No, not at all ... I don't know what I am ... whatever I am it's natural. I have my Grandma Alma to thank for my fighting spirit. She was paralyzed for 20 some years yet ... she was the strongest woman I have ever known. So ... here's to whatever happens in the future ... I'm ready to do the very best I can ... and my intent is to win Skip's battle when he doesn't feel strong enough to ... when he feels strong enough well ... it's double-strength ... we will do it together. Our life is like that and you'll hear me say it again and I will laugh inside when I say it ... because I can hear my son, Tommy when he was living and as big as life ... say these words ... 'Mama, that's the way I roll!' Well, this is ... how we roll! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Life is what it is ... and we never stop living it ... we just have to do our best. That's all I know to do. I've got 'a lot of best' left!

Thank God For A Helluva Fighting Spirit! My Grandma Alma's Legacy To Me

Thank God For A Helluva Fighting Spirit! Skip has had another stroke (we found this out from the neurologist when she called yesterday with the MRI results), he is already facing heart valve replacement/possible blockages surgery, he's not well at all ... Kissy isn't doing well either, his heart is enlarged and he can't walk as well ... last night Camie wasn't up to par. I don't even dare to mention my medical issues ... for now, they hold no light to what's happening right now in my life. I could sit back and think ... my whole world, my life ... has just gone to Hell. I could have a breakdown, finally cry my Heart out and never stop ... I could dig a hole in the sand, get in it. I could feel sorry for myself ... make others feel sorry for me. I could just wipe my hands and walk into oblivion ... never look back. Those who know ME ... know I'm NOT going to do any of those things. They know the fighting spirit I have inside ME ... guess what? It's just emerged strong, furious and ready to take on this battle this morning. My whole world has been threatened ... I'm nothing without Skip, Kissy and Camie ... I have no one else in my life left who cares, loves ME like they do. They are my purpose in Life to go on living. Without them ... that's it. I'm alone. Whether anyone sees it or not ... there's one Hell of a battle going on here at our place we call home ... it's a silent battle, but, a tough one I ... mean to win. Yes, I MEAN to win. I've been afraid too long ... now, that time has come ... I don't feel fear now ... I'm ready to do battle. I feel anger mixed with such Love ... I'm taking care of Skip Bates Skip, Kissy, Camie with my whole being. I'm just before crying because of the pain from loving with my very Heart to seeing my three babies not well at all ... well, that crying isn't weakness at all ... just the opposite ... that crying will just be one more log put on the fire to make it burn so big, bright ... fuel to the fire. So, if anyone so happens to see me cry, or cuss (I pray they don't, it's embarassing!) ... just know it's ... fuel to the fire ... it makes me stronger ... to where I can accomplish a miracle, I can get things done ... I can go on. Think of my Grandma Alma who was paralyzed and her fighting spirit ... it lives in ME now. She was the strongest woman I ever knew ... I hope I'm half the strong woman she was ... she was so fragile to be ... so strong. This morning as I cleaned up after my sweet Camie (our Pups never make messes, never) ... oh my, this feeling came over ME ... one of wanting to cry so much and ... of pure, white-hot anger. This was a moment I recognize ... one I welcome! My fighting spirit has just emerged and it's the strongest it's ever been ... my immediate precious little world is in trouble. Any one of them could ... die. That's how serious it is. I can't believe all at one time. Year 2020 ... the year of the COVID Pandemic ... millions have died all over our big world ... it never stops. This is the year of civil unrest, children not getting their proper education becauses of shut-down schools ... businesses closing forever ... everything one has known is failing. This is the year of ... 'first times' for so many things. This is the year ... in my own life that all of my loved ones aren't well at all for the ... first time ... all at one time. I'm not falling to the ground in a vapor to cry 'woe is me' ... I'm not asking ANYONE to feel sorry for ME ... my Life is going on and I don't need it to weaken ME. I do appreciate such caring, kind words though ... that I can understand, grow only stronger from. :) <3 :) <3 <3 Never-ever pity ME, that's for people who are so fragile, need it for-real ... pity in a good way, pity in a positive way. I will always write how I really feel ... it is 'how I roll' (those are Tommy's words! as they just came in my mind :) ... 'this is how I roll'. :) <3 Oh, how I miss my son with my very Heart. I don't have time to sit, feel sad now so, I put thoughts of my son aside. You will see me write a lot of times exactly my thoughts at the present moment ... those who have followed me for the past 10 years, those who follow now ... you know I write how I feel, view life ... I never ask for pity. I just simply write things ... just the way they are. I write ... my real life. This is the way Life is ... one either makes the choice to roll with the punches, get back up on those feet, plant them firmly on the ground ... meet Life head-on no matter how bad it hurts. That's ME ... though I do admit it's easier said than done ... and sometimes those punches hurt so bad it seems to 'take forever' to get back up. But ... get up I do. That's when my fighting spirit emerges with such wonderful power. I'm ready to do battle. Yes ... sometimes, I falter ... I fall back down while getting my feet ... have to get back up again and again. I ... just don't ... give up no matter how many times I fall down. Humpty Dumpty comes to my mind :) I have had to put the many pieces of ME back together again so many times. It's a wonder I find them all but, I manage to. :) <3 To you, it's a continuing story as I write my daily life ... while I live real life that continues each day. You just get to know what I am thinking ... through the years some people tell me it helps them in different ways to think about when they have their own problems. The special is when someone tells me reading my life for -real helps them in a good way. Some say it means a lot to know other people live through such things and make it ... like them. If my life helps someone at all ... I pray that it helps them ... especially young people ... to know to build up a family/friend support system for the rest of their life so they won't ever be alone. Hold that support system sacred in your Heart, keep it strong only with people who genuinely love, have your best interests at Heart. So ... you won't end up alone one day ... so you can know there are others in this world who really love ... you, care what happens to you. So ... if one day you know your time has come ... someone can be there, smile lovingly into your eyes, let you know they ... really care that you are leaving this life to go on another journey. So ... as you go you know you meant at least a little to someone. So ... you didn't live in vain ... your life had some merit. This morning didn't begin well at all ... Camie wasn't feeling well last night ... this morning I had to use the garden hose, Odor Ban, mop, broom to scrub 'everywhere outside on the patio ... she didn't make it to their bathroom area that I keep full of cedar chips, very clean. All is spic and span clean now. Our Pups2 are very clean, always go to their area to 'go' outside. All is good now ... Camie, Kissy, Skip are sleeping. I just turned around in my desk chair to look at each of them ... and I pray to God to help each one of them to get better. My Heart fills with such deep Love for each of them. They are so precious ... no ... most precious in my Heart. They are my Life. I talked to Skip this morning about over-feeding Camie, Kissy. I was wondering if that happened yesterday. He does that because he is so kind, loves them so much. I told him I understood that ... just to 'once in a while' do that. I'm hoping that's what made Camie sick last night. I asked Skip to only 'once in a while' feed any extra food to the Pups2 so this wouldn't happen again. This way when I do things I will have the strength to care for them ... not to do things that aren't necessary. The reason being is because I have my own medical issues ... I need to conserve my own physical strength to be rested enough to do, be there when needed for him, Pups2. He understood. I don't want to be broken down into a mean-ass, ill-ass, sniveling, bitchy-ass terrible old woman, too tired to lift a finger to take care of the ones I love most in this life being worn out. Pain, grief, fatigue can bring ugly things out of people ... if they don't recognize it ... prevent it. Especially when more pain, grief, fatigue adds to it over and over. I have to stay very strong now. I keep a clean house, take care of Skip Bates Skip, Pups2. Each night when I go to bed (well, I sleep sitting up at times on the loveseat ready to go in the direction I'm needed when Kissy sleeps in the living room) ... I want to feel good inside, know I did my very best for the ones who are depending on ME to be strong for them. Again ... does that make ME perfect? Does it make ME an angel? The answer is, 'NO'. I'm just a person who loves with her Heart. No more, no less ... just a woman who at this moment knows her whole world is threatened by medical crisies with her husband, and 2 Pups all at one time. Thank God and my Grandma Alma for my fighting spirit ... I'm needing it now. So, if you see me ever cry, cuss, angry ... don't take it for weakness ... don't think bad of ME because I am truly a good person ... just think of when you make a campfire in the winter time ... when you need more warmth, what do you do to make it hotter, warmer? Yes, you begin adding logs to the fire. You add ... more fuel to the fire. Think of my fighting spirit as ... the fuel for the campfire! Tears, cuss words, anger are my logs ... my fuel ... and it makes for one Helluva campfight. The brightest, the warmest ... the strongest that will last as long as it is needed. I can't be any other way. Photos ... Skip Bates Skip, on a day we picked up tacos at Taco Bell, went to our local park to enjoy being out in fresh air. Pups2. My whole world are in these photos ... Skip and our Pups2. <3 <3 <3

We Are Prepared To Meet All Head-On ...

(Photo is of Skip on June 08, 2020 when he had surgery at Rex Hospital)




Note: This is what I wrote on my writing site this morning. I copied/pasted it to put here on my blog. Gloria Faye Brown Bates



JUNE 15, 2020 8:46AM EST



We still don't know what is causing Skip's really bad headaches so, more appointments, tests ahead.

We did find out from the surgery that one 'bad' thing is omitted that he doesn't have. I pray that other tests will show the other 'bad' things aren't the reason, also.

Skip is on Prednisone and it has made him feel better and the headaches better. I am so glad. He was sleeping with his hands on his head from the pain.

We have a positive attitude and whatever is going on ... we are prepared to meet it head-on no matter what ... and win.

We do know he doesn't have COVID-19 ... before going into the hospital he had to be tested at a testing site.

The testing site was inside a parking deck where one drives in ... parks in a space ... a nurse came with paperwork and a swab to do the test. Then ... we drove out. Pretty good set-up as it was raining hard. I can't fail to say that nurse was the most nicest, joyful nurse ... we were glad to meet her.

I pray with my Heart soon we will know what is going on and begin treatment for whatever it is. The sooner the better. We are prepared for battle ... and I mean to win it for Skip with his help.

A note here ... it would be so nice to have a small battle to win. Smile

My Bright Idea!

NOTE: Written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates. Photo owned by Me, too. I am sharing from where I write on MyLot.com.


APRIL 28, 2020 9:35AM EST



I wrote about my idea for 'free light' at nighttime ... for nightlights. They do work perfectly for when the electricity goes out during a storm.

Each day I put the containers in the sunshine (on my window sill or outside on the porch to recharge.

At nights I place the containers of lights along the hallway and in the bathroom for us, Skip to see better. I have nightlights in different places but now, I have lights that will stay on when/if the electric goes off for any reason. Free solar light.

I am a person who needs light to be alright. I don't like pitch-black darkness. The only time it never mattered was when my son died ... I was already living in the blackest, darkest dark of all.

I have this one big glass container that is heavy, clear. I put 10 solar lights in it (from the Dollar Tree) ... arranged them like 'flowers'. At night these 'flower arrangements' make me happy ... they are so pretty ... and useful all at the same time.

I get to enjoy them because I am a night owl. I walk all through the house many times to make sure home is all okay ... I look out windows at my neighbors' home across the way to make sure all seems peaceful. It's my nature to do this.

This is a good idea I think (strictly my Gloria Opinion) ... for people who live alone who need lights that stay on if the electric goes off ... you can set them in the window where the sun shines brightest to recharge each day.

I wanted to let everyone know how my 'bright' idea is working out. Wonderful!

My bright idea has brought me joy at night time ... the light shines brightly ... sparkling from the 'glass/clear plastic' that is faceted. For now ... I have 10 of them. I will buy more and have several 'flower/light' arrangements sitting all-around at nighttime.

Something Different ... Unique Idea

NOTE: Each day I share here what I write on MyLot.com. This ... and photo are owned by ME, Gloria Faye Brown Bates.



I had a unique idea about 2 weeks ago. I've never thought of such a simple thing to do before.

It's attractive when arranged pretty ... inexpensive ... mood-lifting ... happy. Well, at least to ME it is.

I'll share my idea and maybe all of you have thought of it before and ... some might even do it already.

I was in the Dollar Tree when my eyes saw the box of solar lights ... the idea popped into my head. Why not buy solar lights to charge in the daytime by the sun ... at night time set them all around inside as night lights.

If a storm came up through the night and electricity goes out ... you have light ... free light.

I have 10 solar lights I put in a plastic container standing up. I set it in on the window sill during the day where the sun shines brightest to charge them.

Each night I set them where I want them ... each morning I put all back into the container and set on the sunny window sill.

If it's cloudy ... I probably won't have light. We have 2 battery-powered lanterns to use.

I wanted to share my idea in case it appealed to anyone else. After spending a dollar on a solar light ... the light is free. You can sit several in containers to look pretty ... to put out cheerful light at night.

Let me know if you have any simple ideas like this. I always love to learn something I don't know.

Appreciating The Smallest of Things

NOTE: I am sharing what I wrote on MyLot.com today. Photo, this are owned by ME, Gloria Faye Brown Bates.




APRIL 24, 2020 8:30PM EST



Businesses like beauty salons, barbershops, tattoo parlors, restaurants, bowling alleys, and other non-essential businesses opened up today in different states.

I was wondering how safe that is going to be. I would like to get my hair trimmed but, I'm not going to risk it. Besides ... nothing will open up before May 8th here. I'm not sure anything will get to as long as the cases of coronavirus keep rising.

Just 2-3 miles from here 3 more deaths occurred at the nursing home today ... totaling 14 deaths there in the past week or so ... and there are many cases of coronavirus there.

It's so sad ... the nursing home is locked down. No family members can go inside at all to visit there. They are worried about their loved ones. It's just a bad situation. Some people do go there and visit at the windows ... with the glass between them.

Gracious ... I feel very sad for all of them. I keep the images of them in my mind ... the family stands on the outside of the window and their loved one on the other side ... everyone has tears in their eyes. I know those people need to be hugged.

By the time all this is over ... being hugged again will be so treasured. I miss hugging, comforting people.

We are all learning to appreciate even the smallest of things. I have already been appreciating the smallest things ... now through this pandemic ... I'm learning to appreciate even more thing.

What do you miss doing, what do you appreciate so much more?

Twinkling A Big Smile Is Almost As Good As Smiling With Our Lips ...

Twinkling A Big Smile Is Almost As Good As Smiling With Our Lips ...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates (Note: I wrote this on MyLot.com this morning as I thought about how the masks we wear hides our smiles. Owned by Me, and photo owned by Me)

APRIL 23, 2020 1:18PM EST


Well ... today in the time of wearing masks to cover half our faces ... our lips ... we can't see people smiling back at us.

I've been paying close attention to this as I am always studying human nature. I'm fascinated by what makes us all 'tick'.

Eyes have to do all the work now. To convey a smile ... the eyes have to change to reflect our inner light ... so, we just twinkle a smile to each other. Some people will twinkle big ... some just a polite twinkle with very little light reflecting.

I try to twinkle happy smiles to others. Yesterday when we were out ... my eyes connected with a young woman's eyes ... she twinkled the biggest smile to me, waved ... her inner light reflected so big. I felt her smile ... it made me feel happy.

So ... twinkling a big smile ... with our eyes is almost as good as when our lips are seen smiling. This is my Gloria Opinion.

We Smile At Each Other Behind Our Masks ... Air Hug

NOTE: I am sharing this from what I wrote on MyLot.com this morning. This, and photo are owned by ME, Gloria Faye Brown Bates.


I've been listening to the news at noon. I saw where drones may be used and I think are being used ... to spy on people. They don't call it spying but, that's what I call it.

I have read in the past that they can be flown to peer into windows of a home if needed to. I don't know how true that is.

They say it's to see if people are complying with coronavirus distancing rules, so on. I worry about things we have read about in fiction that's is slowly becoming true. I don't think people will stand for it. They are already protesting. That worries me.

There was a protest here in Raleigh, NC today ... they were very vocal, loud and I felt obnoxious. You know how you have your loudmouth in everything. I didn't like seeing protestors screaming, ranting, raving, cursing the nurses and medical people standing there. I thought to myself that one day soon that nurse, doctor might be treating that protestor as they lay dying with the virus.

Not everyone was wearing masks, nor keeping their distance. I worry it's a matter of time. I shouldn't worry about people ... I do.

Today we went to get groceries. We sat in the parking lot to eat our biscuits we got at McDonald's drive-thru. We people-watched as we ate.

So many people didn't have masks on ... and I was alarmed at all the children who didn't have masks on either.

Walmart does good ... everyone did keep their distance from each other. No one on top of the other. Instead of hugging people we used to hug ... now, it's air-hugs. We smile big behind our masks ... our eyes reflect it ... no one can see each other's mouth.

Who would have thought we would be communicating behind masks ... talk, smile behind our masks ... give air-hugs one day?

It Means The World ...

NOTE:

Copied/pasted ... what I wrote this morning on MyLot.com. Photo/story owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates. I like to share what I wrote there ... here, on my Blog.


APRIL 19, 2020 9:31AM EST


Yesterday both Skip and I and our Pups2 were in the living room watching tv. We all fell asleep ... something we are doing a lot of lately.

I woke up to the sound of a horn. I looked outside as I went to the door. It was our neighbor... and friend, who lives close by. She told me to come out, she had something for me.

I went out to her car and she handed me a bag, told me her brother was a chef and he'd cooked brisket. They gave us plates with brisket, macaroni & cheese, green beans, and cabbage with carrots. And ... a strawberry shortcake.

Skip and I felt so honored. We have caring friends around us and for that we are most grateful for. It feels so good ... comforting to ... have someone. We love them all. When I say 'love' ... I mean for-real ... Love.

I took photos of our plates before we sat down to eat. Skip and I felt so special. We were thought of and didn't know it. These are the Friends we have all around us. It means the world to us.