I Can Only Love From A Distance

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 2018

I Can Only Love From A Distance by Gloria Faye Brown Bates




The story this morning is about a family member I really wanted to be close to.  Really loved, really just wanted to be family and knew it would be so.  Just because it is supposed to be ... should be ... doesn't make it so.




When people come together each with a different agenda ... you know it isn't going to work.  If people could learn to be honest, upfront ... well they can be honest but, not look like they are. You are right ... how many people come into a relationship putting themselves out there for the other to really see?  No one.




Even I don't do that, I'm cautious with people and watch, study, listen... sense.  There are things I watch for ... words I use to 'see the colors' of the other person. I'm no one special but ... there's the BUT ... I am somebody to myself and I like me.  I do that to nip things in the bud as my Grandma Alma used to say ... to stop wasting time ... your time, my time is valuable. So is my ... Heart.




There's no getting around we are all a product of our childhood (I know I am) ... we were shaped, reshaped many times by all in our life. As we grew up ... we formed opinions, ideas, beliefs.  Some people say they don't understand where someone is coming from.  No, how could they?  They lived a completely different childhood. 




Even two children in the same household won't remember things the same way.  One can be damaged ... the other well-rounded.

Gloria Faye Brown ... 3 years old

One child is treated differently than the other. One child gets into trouble more than the other.  I'll tell you something about that ... I would lie to keep another child from being in trouble, getting a spanking.  I would attract attention to protect another child ... I got a lot of spankings, slaps, cussing out ... protecting because I loved. 




I don't think adults see that far when they scold children. They do it never knowing that child was innocent.  When the child grows up they say, "you were the meanest child when little".  They never knew their favorite children were the culprits. Why tell them?




Today as an adult I see, know I am careful with people in general, especially any family.  I'm cautious because like a road I know all the pot holes ahead.  I'm careful with the several people I allow to touch my Heart ... I don't spend time with them ... I don't talk all the time to them, I don't over-do anything with them. 




Why?  Because ... that's the quickest way to lose someone you love in my family ... to make an enemy.  The quickest way to lose someone you invested your very Heart in ... because you really cared, loved.  Because they mean more than they can ever know, or imagine.




I have several family members I truly love dearly ... they aren't the family I grew up with as a child.  Sadly they all have died, some in awful ways. Died younger than they should have.  The family members I love today ... always reach out, touch my Heart time to time.  They respect me, my privacy ... seem to understand I am different.  I see that some of them are different like me ... they have grown up experiencing ... family, our family ... like me.




We all respect, care. No one has to be dishonest trying to get something from the other.  We are all givers ... and would give our last penny, shirt off our backs.  They all have beautiful families and they take care of them.  I didn't grow up like that ... I watched other kids who had parents to protect them ... when I needed someone to keep me safe ... no one was there.




I couldn't call out to anyone to make so and so leave me alone. Make so and so not do this or that to me.  I grew up afraid of men's hands.  Oh no ... that fear didn't last any longer than when I got old enough to defend myself.  I could be a hellcat as a young person ... and I had a chip on my shoulder. I was quiet, very quiet and would hold my ground quietly.  I held it too when challenged.

Gloria Faye Brown as a young woman ...

Still ... things happen to a young girl, woman.  This is as they grow older, learn they can't fight the whole world ... they can't save the world at all.  Like many before me ... I really thought I could.  I felt I was so strong I could.  Things happened through time to shape, reshape my thoughts, feelings.  We never stay the same ... we are always changing thoughts, beliefs ... yet we ... stay the same.




I just hurt someone special in my Heart. I closed a permanent door between us, threw away the key.  That person who is so much like me ... did the same on the other side of the door.  It has to be ... The End of that chapter.  There's no more story to write there ... the good thing is both of us will go on with Life, do good.  I know they will ... smart, intelligent like their father.  Sharp enough to go on to be a lawyer, whatever else they are desiring to be.




I used words, exact words to be clear probably too clear to express what I felt ... a lot of pain from the past influenced my choice of words.  I came off as harsh, rude ... no matter that I thought I did it in the kindest way possible.  Looking back at the words ... I guess they were harsh, rude to others.  To me, they seemed direct to the point ... too much so ... I could see why, where they would hurt deeply.




Seldom do I unleash my feelings like that.  It really takes a lot of pain to push me.  Am I sorry?  I apologized that I hurt and came off as harsh, rude.  I can see what they meant. The door is, will remain closed in this lifetime ... we instinctively know it has to be.  Sometimes in Life ... it has to be that way even if you can't put your finger on exactly why.




I know in my Life after staying in pure grief for many years with all the illnesses Skip Bates and I have suffered, still go through medical stuff from them ... and the 'bad' things that have happened ... all the deaths ... I mean all the deaths of loved ones on both sides of my family of everyone I loved with my Heart have taken their toll on me.




So many things I can't remember offhand have happened ... normal people in their lives only experience just a few things ... I haven't been normal at all.  That's why I know how so much feels in Life ... firsthand. I can't afford with my Heart to get close to anyone else ... I don't know if I could survive a lot more pain.




I've spent so many years in darkness when I had cancer battling to live ... years in darkness battling grief for the loss of my son to live, come back.  The death of my son ... has affected me so much ... it's the worse pain I've ever felt in my entire life.




It's been 8 years and I'm back ... feet planted firmly on the ground I stand on.  I'm going to hold my ground and as Life brings it on ... I'm going to feel it even if it hurts.  What in the world will I do ... if Life brings me wonderful things and there's no pain involved?  I'm not used to such. Wow, it felt good just to imagine it!  I think I'll keep that in my mind.




I began writing about family and such ... I didn't stray off subject too much.  I will reveal what I have learned about myself through time ... no matter what I do, try ... it always come back to this ... I have to love from a distance for it to last a lifetime when it comes to family.  I love just as deeply ... and I treasure the few family members who have found a place in my Heart. I'm glad they understand how I am.

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2013

Note by this author:

Real life ... my life is like this.  I roll with the twists, turns Life sends me.  Gracious, I wish for wonderful, good things to happen so, I can just see how it feels to be to enjoy such.  I do get a taste of it time to time ... only briefly enough to know I want it so much.  I'm looking forward to our New Year 2019 ... today is New Year's Eve.




I wish for everyone a wonderful year ahead.  I wish for the family member I hurt deeply with words ... the most successful, wonderful life full of dreams, wishes come true.  I really am sorry I let my pain influence my words that hurt deeply.  The door I closed has to be ... we are too much alike.  I will love you at a distance.




Story/Photos owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.

Aliens ... to Death & Cajun Music

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2018

As I write ... I think.  Words flow, so do my thoughts.  Even I never know what, where I'll write, my thoughts will go.  I entertain myself while I write.  Skip always comments to me:  'you can entertain yourself!' when he sees me really into a story.  :)

Explosion in NYC lit sky blue. I think I would have been afraid in NYC ... I wonder how long it took to calm people down afterward seeing the lights.  I know it had to be scary.




The past several years have been a time of 'first times' for so many things in our world.  Have you stopped, thought about how many actual deaths there have been from natural disasters?  I was ... I gave up ...lost count. 




In my life I've never known such. I do know I believe in ... 'anything can happen in our today's time ... anything'.  Dont' think it can't ... Life has a way of tossing twists, turns ... I've had to twist, turn on Life's many roads ... I do know firsthand in my life.




I know that we all have instant access to what's happening all over in our world now ... so, we have a better idea of what's going on.  Years ago ... such things took their time reaching a point to travel as newsworthy. So then ... we weren't aware like today what is going on.




You can tell me you are right with the Lord and to trust in him ... I understand that, and I do.  But ... BUT ... I'm still saying this big, old world has become a scary place ... today.  If anyone says differently ... you are probably living in a safe place for now, never knowing bad things DO really happen ... just not to you yet.




We all one day if we make it ... learn to never take things for granted.  We learn anything can, will happen.  We learn there really are many scary things in this world ... our immediate world. We also, learn to live with them ... try to be alert, protect ourselves.  You have to help God take care of you ... don't just deliberately walk in front of a car thinking you won't get hit.




I trust in God just as strongly as the next person with my Heart ... I also, know to help myself to be safe. No comments about God here ... I won't discuss religion nor politics ... and might would delete someone if they disrespected.  I'd expect you to do me like that if I came to your page and made comments I shouldn't.




I have my own beliefs as you do ... and like you ... I don't know whose beliefs are right.  Mine feel right ... yours feels right, too. Respect for others is key.  This one person has such respect for others ... I know people learn so many ways to reach what they struggle to understand, believe.  No one's life puts them through the very same battles as the other's. 




Sometimes people do think they can comment anything feeling they have the right to ... not if asked not to. And ... be careful when you do that ... and you don't know all the details to a story.




I promise you there's always more than reaches the eye. Also, there's the delete button.  I'm not arguing with anyone ... anywhere.  All going on in my life is more important than wasting time ... spinning wheels.  I don't enjoy it, I won't do it.  When younger I loved to debate ... no more.




When I make an observation ... that's all I'm doing. I'm not really wanting to discuss it.  I read all the time and I'm open-minded making my own decisions about believing, researching more to find my answers.  If someone comments ... do so with respect and positively.  I do that, I expect no less.




I don't push what I believe on anyone ... I do state mere observations ... and how I would feel. I can't say how you would, what you would think, so forth.  You have to write your own stories in Life ... I do.




Everyone who knows me for many years know when I begin writing ... I don't stay on one subject long ... somehow and even I am amazed ... I go on to completely different subjects that aren't related.  Don't you agree our thoughts are like that in our heads? Don't answer that ... :)




I began with last night's event in NYC ... and I can see I can keep on until I am somewhere else in my story.  My mind ... memories are triggered and my mind quickly goes to the one that stands out. I smile here ... this is as true a statement as I can make.




Like for instance, one night in California ... Skip Bates and I were driving along in the big tractor-trailer when we began to notice a light in the sky.  It was just like you see on tv ... it was truly scary, amazing.  Not only that ... another terrifying thing began to happen ... a car was chasing another car trying to crash it!




It also, was like on tv!  I felt such fear afraid somehow we'd be involved as close, violently the cars were doing.  Thankfully ... their world passed ours without incident.  They only left fear and questions behind in my mind.  No, we never heard what the light was ... nor what happened with the two cars.  It made quite an impression in my mind ... I feel slightly breathless thinking about it ... it was that scary.  I could tell you a lot of scary stories but, not now.




This was a memory triggered as I wrote.  Everyone who knows me also, knows I write long ... today many people want to read short articles.  Myself ... give me the long ones but, keep me interested.  Tell me something that happened, how you felt when witnessing it ... give me colors of your life.  I give you mine.




Talking about colors ... everyone knows I truly love colors of every kind except the sad, scary ones ... but, I'm old enough to know Life doesn't just serve out beautiful colors of the rainbow ... Life also, serves out the darkest, scariest colors of pure Hell.




I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas 2018.  I will say ours involved moving boxes for a Christmas tree ... and the need to have to move so the house can be sold ... and it's dead winter-time making things harder.  But ... we understand and don't hold bad feelings.  We all have to do what we need to do.




Not only that we got an unexpected surprise in our Life that truly began wonderful, happy ... and ended sadly.  I won't go into details ... I have written that chapter, closed the door on it. 




I would color Christmas 2018 ... black, gray ... sad.  Don't feel sorry for me ... at my age .... I just grew stronger and saw myself as a very young person.  Who knows ... maybe things happen in our lives to give us 'our payback' for things unremembered as a young person.  I've always heard Karma is a bitch ... yes, I said that ... and it's said just that way.  I believe in Karma.




Young people never know the grief, pain they reap upon another's life when they are only wanting immediate things to make ... them ... happy.  Sadly ... when people who were real, good people who would be loyal to them, always there ... are lost forever from their lives.  By the time they mature ... those people are long gone ... they only have a memory of 'I wish I had known all I know now' when I knew those people in my life 'back then'. We as older people understand this well.




Older people have a lot of regrets ... unless you were perfect.  I wasn't in any way perfect at all.  I'm one of the most imperfect human beings on this earth ... I think imperfect thoughts, do imperfect things ... I grew up in the real Hell ... so, it damaged me ... so, I'm imperfect.  The good thing here is ... I'm a GOOD imperfect human being. You wouldn't expect that to come from pure ... Hell.  I'm here to prove it.  :) I truly am a good person.




I will stop here ... I began with scary aliens and ended up with young people and maturity ... imperfect human being.  That's me ... that's my style of writing if anyone who has just begun reading me.  I don't apologize ... I can only be real. 




I know some people who have always cared about things in my Life, always there through the years ... all is fine now.  It took several days to push pain into the past where it belongs, will stay ... we are still in the process of packing things to be ready when the time come to move.  Where ... I can't tell you. I do have faith all will turn out good.




As for the pain ... it truly doesn't hurt now.  At first ... it crushed me until I had to lay down with it, sleep.  Like when Tommy died ... sometimes, things can be just a bit too much. I had to work on myself and now ... like when a mechanic repairs a car ... I'm alright, I'm ready to go.  I knew I would be alright ... as much as I've been through ... I sort of knew what to do.  :) <3




That sounded flip ... I promise you I wasn't ... it really wasn't easy to feel better. 




I am just not dwelling on it any longer. I do that when I've been deathly ill ... not dwell on it ... and keep trying to go forward even when my body doesn't move.  It's my fighting spirit.  All I need is some Cajun music ... if I died ... it would surely make me come alive, begin dancing.  :) I love Cajun music.  Oh my, did you see that coming?  I just changed subjects again!




Alien to ... Cajun music ... wow!  Even I don't know what I will write next like who knows will come out of a child's mouth.  I keep myself entertained.  :) <3




Back to the aliens ... the link is below to read what I found in case someone doesn't know what I was making reference to.  Happy day everyone.  I'm going to make mine a happy one, too.




I write on Facebook and share it here ... write here, share on my Facebook.  Facebook.com/grannygee




Here's link to see :
     




https://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Blue-Light-Sky-Explosion-Queens-503589291.html

The Six Words That Broke A Grandmother's Heart at Christmas

NOTE:  THIS IS A STORY I WROTE ... it seems so real a lot of people must have felt this story. Yes, it is similar to my Life ... but, it's just a story. <3 

This story came to mind this morning ... I wrote it ... I wouldn't want to be this grandmother I wrote about. I write about pain, grief ... this is just another one of my stories written about such.


Some people have the knack to be real grandmothers ... can be real grandmothers. Read this story of

a grandmother who wished ... to be with her Heart. 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...

A short story written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...

Story/Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

One day out of the blue a grandmother in name only went to her computer to sit down, write.  She loved to write as much as she liked to draw, paint, make jewelry.  When she wrote her words were happy colors to her as her paints were.

She went online and saw there was a message waiting for her.  She sat in awe ... it was from someone she hadn't seen since a little blonde, blue-eyed girl.  A little girl who could charm the birds out of a tree with her charismatic personality.  

The father of the little girl and the little girl's mother divorced.  They had a messy dispute over custody and the father gained custody, also.  In name only ... the mother discouraged her child to not visit.

The mother fought it tooth and nail.  She was a fierce, loving mother who loved her child.  That's why the grandmother loved her, knew she'd never worry about the child's welfare.  

Years went by, the grandmother's son died from heart failure.  He left a little boy, and the little girl behind.  

The mothers of the two children didn't want any of the father's family in their children's life.  The grandmother respected that ... she went on about living her life.  She was grandmother in name only.

Until ... for a short-lived time when the message appeared on the grandmother's computer.  It was her granddaughter! Oh my! she thought ... my granddaughter came looking for ... me!  She felt honored ... felt very happy.

She couldn't wait to tell her husband who had messaged her.  She ran to wake him up, told him.  He smiled.  He loved the little girl very much.  They had bonded when she was little.

The grandmother made plans with the granddaughter to meet ... to bring her other grandmother with her.  They would meet at a restaurant, spend time together.

They did just that.  It was a happy meeting.  There was only one little red flag to that point.  The grandmother ignored it ... this was her long-lost granddaughter who had just come of age ... chose to come look for her.  Her wish came true.  She'd see her child's daughter ... someone who carried her own blood in her body.  She was blood-related.

The grandmother had lost most all her family to the craziest things ... they all should have been here today.  Life is full of twists, turns ... strange, unexpected.  The grandmother should have known this special time in her life wasn't any exception.  She blinded herself knowing better.  Why that was her granddaughter!

They met and the grandmother carried a special bag to give to her granddaughter.  It was filled to the brim with all kinds of rings, bracelets, jewelry she had spent hours making with her hands.  She wanted her granddaughter to have something so special. 

The grandmother and her husband spent a happy time seeing the granddaughter and even her other grandmother.  They loved both of them.  They couldn't wait to see them again.

They met once more and the granddaughter brought her boyfriend, and grandmother that time.  

Some red flags popped up ... the grandmother ignored them.  One being she had respected the granddaughter's mother's wishes not to come into the granddaughter's life.  Why? she didn't know. It didn't matter, the grandmother respected, understood the granddaughter's mother had her reasons.

While in conversation the granddaughter made mention she hadn't told her mother she had gotten in touch with the grandmother.  The grandmother felt disbelief that meeting her granddaughter ... was a secret.

The other grandmother looked at her granddaughter (she was the mother of the granddaughter's mother) ... and made a comment about she hadn't told her mother.  The conversation went on to something else.

The grandmother sat there thinking that if she had known she wouldn't have met her granddaughter ... she loved, respected her mother.  She was old enough to know that when something is so special ... you never have secrets to ruin it.  It took something away ... the red flag loomed.

The granddaughter told the grandmother and her husband that they were coming to their house for Christmas. Oh. how she and her other grandmother insisted on this grandmother and her husband coming Christmas Day to their home.

The grandmother was hesitant ... she and her husband lived a very private, quiet life.  They never went to visit anyone rarely.  It was quite a decision to make ... to go to someone's home ... to share a holiday with.

They had spent Thanksgiving with people whom they were friends with, loved and cared about them. It wasn't easy to step out of the house to go to someone's home for a holiday ... but, the grandmother did.  No one knew what a big step that was.  Now ... her granddaughter and other grandmother were telling them they were going to spend Christmas Day with them.

So, the grandmother agreed.  They would go there for Christmas Day.  Christmas Day was just a week or so away.

The grandmother became very stressed during the time waiting.  She had made her life private and it was hard to step out of her comfort zone.  Years ago she had been a people-person ... now she only saw them when out and about.

Christmas Eve came ... no mention of what time to be there ... no exciting plans were made ... or we'll be happy to see you ... came.  Instead ... each time the grandmother went to her computer to check for a message ... it sat there cold, unblinking at her.  No happy message.

She felt herself get very ill ... a big knot formed in the pit of her stomach. She went to her husband and told him.  They didn't understand why no message to say time, or it had been cancelled or ... anything.

The next day ... Christmas Day ... the grandmother went to her computer fully expecting for sure ... her wonderful granddaughter would have sent a message during the night.

No message ... the knot in her stomach grew bigger.  She felt as if she was going to cry.  Why didn't her granddaughter or the other grandmother send a message?  Did she and her husband miss what time and such ... during the last time spent together?

Were they supposed to just drive there?  No, the grandmother and husband didn't just drive to anyone's home like that.  They didn't feel comfortable doing such a thing.  

Another red flag loomed with the ones already waving in the air like the flags at the beach ... wildly from the wind off the ocean. Something wasn't right ...

The grandmother felt embarrassed to message her granddaughter and the other grandmother.  If she didn't ... and they were supposed to be there ... they would have thought badly of them.

She messaged an hour before time for Christmas Dinner at noon.  The six words her granddaughter messaged back to her ... loomed up at her off the screen ... forever burned into her mind ... forever hurting her heart so much her hands flew up to her chest.

The other grandmother wrote that she'd been sick and this was a sad Christmas sort of ... and on and on about they hadn't done anything for Christmas, hadn't been thinking too straight and for us to have a Merry Christmas.

The grandmother sat stunned.  They had been the ones insisting they come to their home for Christmas ... even talking them into saying yes. No one had gotten in touch to say differently.

The grandmother's husband had baked banana-nut bread to carry, and several desserts.  She felt embarrassed to tell her husband that the granddaughter ... her granddaughter ... had done this.  She felt embarrassed that they had even told anyone her ... granddaughter ... wanted ... her to spend Christmas Day with her.

Then ... the pain set in ... her heart began to hurt ... tears flowed down her face. She sat quietly thinking ... why would they have done such a cruel thing?  What would make people do such?

She began making excuses in her mind for her precious granddaughter and why? she did such a thing to her.  Was it something her mother had said to her ... and she wanted to pay this grandmother back.  Was her mother who maybe said she wouldn't come to the other grandmother's home ... if this grandmother and her husband were there?

The grandmother sat ... another thought came into her mind.  She was studying each time they'd met, talked.  Several things stood out to her.  Her last pair of rose-colored glasses fell off her face.  She had to face this pain ... and she would ... could do it honestly.

She took a mental stance in her mind ... feet planted firmly on the floor.  She began to wonder about something she told her granddaughter the last time she saw her ... and that might be what made her granddaughter lose interest in her.

She told her granddaughter that she was herself ... no more, no less.  What she saw was her ... no pretense of having anything, no pretense of being ... somebody. She told her that the books she wrote didn't sell ... and she didn't have any money.  They lived on a limited income and had it financially hard.

This is the last time the grandmother saw her granddaughter ... the granddaughter who may have thought this grandmother was rich.  Understandable when being young.  Everyone wants somebody who has a lot of material wealth.  

The granddaughter whose mother may have discouraged the Christmas Day plans.  

The granddaughter who didn't respect her grandmother enough to send a message to say Christmas Day plans had been cancelled.

The granddaughter who sent her six little words the grandmother would carry to her grave ... because no words after them are needed.

The words were:  "I forgot all about Christmas today.

Author's Note:  

This little story could be true or not true.  Either way it's a sad story that came to my mind this morning. Suppose ... something like that happened to you?  To me?  How would we feel?

I know I would feel devastated ... knowing those 6 little words destroyed any hopes of knowing a grandchild any farther ... and each Christmas Day thereafter that grandmother will always remember her and her other grandmother ... the pain, grief they gave when they could have only told her the truth ... or if it were me ... I would have told the grandmother something that might have been a lie but, a good lie.  

Saying nothing speaks louder than words ... saying those words that granddaughter said to her grandmother ... said it all.  She ended any hopes of a relationship with the grandmother ... or being left anything from that grandmother at her death.

If I were that grandmother ... I would be 'grandmother-shy' ... no more grandchildren in her life.  If I were her ... I would never be a grandmother anymore.  I would focus only on the people who were, have been good to me in life ... if possible, leave all to them ... if I were her.

My life has taught me that labels on a box doesn't make a product good ... it's the quality of the product on the inside.  A pretty box with a name-brand label isn't always best.  

People are the same way with their labels of father, cousin, brother, grandma, granddaughter, aunt ... just because they are that ... doesn't mean anything when there isn't mutual love, respect, caring.  

Blood isn't everything it's cracked up to be ... just my Gloria Opinion.  

My blood-line holds everything ... treachery, plotting, revengeful, dishonest people on both sides of my family.  There are only a few I didn't see it in.  I know exactly what to look for ... if I were a bad person ... I would know how to be and ugly person.  

Thank God for the Heart I have.  I'm glad to be a good person ... one would doesn't hurt unless I'm pushed.  I can sleep at night knowing I didn't go out of my way to cause pain to anyone.  

Why in the world do I care?  Because I know pain only too well ... I know it intimately since being aware I was a little girl ... being aware of life.

Wow ... I keep thinking of the six little words that granddaughter told her grandmother after insisting on her coming for Christmas Day.  I keep thinking of the pain her grandmother felt ... all the happiness dashed out like a candle in the wind.  

I hope that grandmother is as strong as I am ... I'm like the big Redwood Tree ... I would still be standing ... the rain drops glistening on my limbs ... standing proud, strong.  That's how I would be.  

Redwood Trees stand forever ... unless looked at closely they would never see all the scars Life inflicts on them.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates

(As of 12-26-2018 I quit putting aka Granny Gee or aka GG on my stories.  I'm not a grandmother ... only one in name only ... to anyone else.  To me ... I am just ME).

Twice Burned Ashes ... Shattered Pieces ... I'm Not Looking Back As I Go Forward

Twice Burned Ashes ... Shattered Pieces ... I'm Not Looking Back As I Go Forward
Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 26, 2018

Like Humpty Dumpty ... all my shattered pieces are put back together again.

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates  (Doodle by Me)

On December 28, 2004 our home burned down taking all of our belongings.  I did manage to dig out some things.  I went to where the bedroom was ... to where the mantlepiece was ... laying on the ground.  Lying in the charred debris was this ... in my photo here.




My mother's ashes had burned for a second time.  She would never have believe this ... neither could I.  I picked them up, held them like a baby close to my chest. 




I took them back to the hotel where we were staying with our 3 dogs.  Salvation Army helped us with the rooms there.  That was another dark time in our life.  We faced it with a positive attitude though we were very sad, upset.  We kept telling each other everything was going to be alright ... later in time it was. It didn't happen overnight ... things take time.




Just like now ... we say the same thing. Everything is going to be alright ... and ... it will be.  <3 <3 <3 




Another bad thing happened on January 2nd or 3rd, 2005 a few days after our house fire ... I'm still confused about the date ... my cousin who was helping us was hit head-on by a log truck.  She died in that crash.  It was more than horrible.




I remember thinking later when someone showed me ... that she and I wouldn't have ever believed we were in the same newspaper at the same time ... I lost everything in a house fire ... she lost her life in a log truck crash.




The 'bad' things that have happened in my life haven't been just ordinary 'bad' things.  They have been traumatizing and more than bad. 




This isn't nothing compared to what happened through the years until now.  See ... Life has a way of throwing curves ... and the next thing you know you are thrown onto a path you never chose to travel.  You can only travel it until you find your way off that road.




I had just recently stepped onto a road I thought would be a good, beautiful road to travel only to find that the first part of it hurt me too much to keep going. 




I made the decision to get off that road when I read 6 little words that told me all I needed to know.  They will forever be burned into my Heart because the pain was as hot as if I had placed my hands on red-hot heater.




Those little words said so much.  Not only that ... it opened my eyes to see that I would never be so blind again.  I'm thankful to read them so soon ... I have been completely stressed out for the past several weeks.  Now ... I won't have to be anymore.  I can protect my Heart now. I know better.




I'm thankful I won't invest in anymore time with my Heart.  There comes a time when we need to jump out of a out of control car before we are crushed, damaged beyond repair.




I have almost put all my shattered pieces back together after these 8 years since my son died.  I was getting ready to shatter again.




Thank God ... I have the strength I need to know when to let go ... and go forward.  Everyone is at a point in life they grow from ... we are all not at the same place in Life ... we all aren't looking for the same things as the other.




I was looking at only the precious, special person who came into my life ... I ignored one little red flag that stood out to me at the beginning ... then several afterwards ... I didn't ignore 6 little words that jerked harshly any blinders left on my eyes ... off.




I was sincere ... my Heart was in the right place.  I let my Heart lead me into more pain.  Oh my ... that really, really hurt bad. I don't know that I'm strong enough to handle such now.  I choose not to. 




Today I have taken off the 'Granny Gee' and the 'GG; off my name. For years I've written as that ... no more.  I will write only under my name Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... no more Granny this or Granny that, GG thing at all.  I am only a grandmother in name only.  I can only be ... ME ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates.




I will love from a safe distance just like always.  I will not under any circumstances get close to another relative.  I have several whom I love very much who are at a distance ... I love, respect, care for. 




I will not answer anymore questions here ... only privately. Then I may not answer very much then.  Then again ... I may not choose to answer at all.  So know this if you choose to ask.




I don't want to cause grief, pain anymore than is caused ... I choose not to bring anymore grief, pain into my private life where I've lived since my son died.




I am going to protect Skip all I can ... his blood pressure is driven up almost daily ... he is going to have to have surgery in the near future. 




At NC Heart and Vascular they monitor his pacemaker ... and this kind of upset registers there to show he is undergoing stress ... it registered so much when he was told we needed to move that the cardiologist said he almost called Skip to come in to the hospital. The cardiologist said it made Skip's heart 'beat in the lower chamber' or something to that effect. Whatever it did ... it was serious.




The cardiologist asked Skip what happened on that date ... it was when Skip was told we had to move so the house could be sold by Christmas.  It had just turned off dead winter here ... the weather said we had January weather early.  No money, no place to go ... panic ... medical issues, surgeries ... just a few things to think about.




We aren't the only ones who are going through such stress.  We are the ones I am most concerned about at the moment.  Skip's blood pressure being number one.




Skip had to have another pacemaker put in with an extra wire.  The upset and stress has affected him so much ... and each day his blood pressure goes up high.  Lately he is having to lay down a lot ... has headaches.




I'm going to be alright now so, my stress doesn't affect him anymore.  Skip is my whole world ... and our Pups3.  They are all I've got ... they have my very Heart.




Skip has been worrying about me since day before yesterday and constantly asking me if I'm okay.  This latest has affected him very much. He knows me very well ... thankfully he knows me well enough ... that today when I say I'm okay ... I really am. He can quit worrying though he's upset because he loves too, cares.




I just thought of something ... this is the way I always write ... I start writing about one thing only to flow to other things.   I write Life as it really is ... there's no pattern ... no continuity ... things happen out of the blue ... bad things.  That's not to forget all the good things too ... and being most thankful for them and the ones who make them happen.




We all have to make decisions in our own lives ... if we choose to let things continue that hurt us ... we will suffer the consequences.  I have been through too many storms and have seen too much, felt too much ... survived  ... to keep traveling in this one.  It can only get worse ... I would be the main character in the story who would be hurt most.




I know I've made the right decision for all ... no one has to feel anymore pain once they cope with the pain felt lately.  I think two main characters in this story ... one being me ... were wanting different outcomes ... expecting, wanting different things. 




I am only Me ... I am not rich at all ... what you see is what you get. I don't pretend at all, I am a for-real good person though at times it may seem I'm not ... I am upfront and as kind as possible.  One knows where they stand with me.




Oh ... just because I wrote, published 3 books doesn't mean they are best sellers ... best written ... because they don't sell at all, and they aren't written perfectly at all.  They are like my doodles, jewelry making and creative things I do ... imperfect like ... ME.




I did do what I meant to do with one book 'I Cry For Tommy'.  I have remembered him always ... and anyone who reads any words in that book will bring his memory alive for a few moments.




I am proud though ... to have 3 copyrights at The Library of Congress for each of my books.  But ... that doesn't make me an author who is successful, rich.  It just makes me an author of 3 books ... 3 books that aren't perfect at all. I'm happy with that.




I am loyal, honest, dependable to the ones I love.  Sometimes ... other people aren't like that ... sometimes, other people have other things in mind. I'm not sorry that ... I can't be what they hoped for or wanted ... I am not sorry that ... I am Me.




Now ... I am going forward and not looking back.  Like Humpty Dumpty I've put ME back together again ... and I aim ... to keep me from shattering all over again.  Here's to me holding myself tightly together.




Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... photos owned by me, too. 

Christmas 2018 ... Moving Boxes For A Christmas Tree

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG ... 2018

This year we were unexpectedly told we needed to move just as our fall turned into winter.  I won't go into details but, one can imagine how devastating that can be when one's finances aren't the greatest, one's health isn't at its best ... and you are older.

The owner said he was financially strapped ... we understand well what that means.  We respect, understand his wishes ... he wants to sell his house, property.  

This year is the first year we didn't put up a Christmas tree ... do anything special.  We are still coping with the knowledge we need to move as soon as we can ... and don't want to cause the owner any distress.  

Everything is okay ... we will be fine.  Life can, will get okay in unexpected ways when one feels all is hopeless. We've felt hopeless, even embarrassed at being older and really sort of at the mercy of the world.

At one time we had all in order to grow older with insurances, money.  The one thing we never expected was we both begin having life-threatening illnesses ... medical issues that come with them until the day we die.  Life can be that way.

We don't sit, dwell on them ... to do that is to live in a world with blinders on.  We face it with our eyes wide open ... cope with it as Life comes at us.  A 'do it or die' attitude. We have to live until we die.

Though instead of a Christmas tree this year we have 

moving boxes in its place ... we are going to be okay. At first it felt awful ... and both Skip and I fell into a depression ... it didn't take long to get our positive attitudes back.

We've listened to lies told ... pretended not to know.  Why would we do otherwise? Everyone has a reason to do the things they do ... sometimes the way we go about it ... destroy, hurt worse than ... simply telling the truth.

Sadly ... when there's a friendship involved ... lies destroy something special that can't ever be gotten back.  Why lie when one can simply go to another ... sit, tell the truth from their heart ... to find out if his friends understand?  Take it from there?  At least ... the right thing was done.

I think in this situation ... this is what hurt the most.  The weaving of lies, stories that eventually came back later to unravel ... leaving the truth exposed.  Some people have a way of telling on themselves and can't help it.

All of this is unimportant now.  Not only is the truth exposed ... so is the status of the friendship.  

What to do but, go on with your life ... accept what it is ... you can't change it, why would you?  If you did, it'd never be the same.

What to do?  Smile ... pretend ... smile ... pretend all is okay.  Pick the pieces of your life up again ... go on.  Doing otherwise only creates more negative ... no one wants that.

Once you go on with your life ... remember that person who still wants that 'close friendship' because they 'need you to still do their things for them' ... says 'we're always going to be friends'.  

Just remember how they did you at the time of year when everyone digs in for the wintertime to be safe, cozy until Spring.  Remember that if they can have a heart to do that ... they really aren't your friend.  They only need the things you do for them ... they can't do for themselves.  

I have fought against harboring anger, hate through time since a little girl.  I'm afraid I had to work very hard to cope with this latest. If I told you exactly why ... you'd understand.  

I won't at the risk of tearing someone down, making them look bad when really ... they aren't a bad person but ... under the influence of someone who claims to love them when the money is good. Who abandons when no money is coming in.

A deceptive person who uses others ... can literally control someone's life especially when made to think they can't ever find another person for themselves.  They accept what they can get. 

Oh, the lies a deceptive person tells ... believed by someone who only wants that someone special to believe in, love them.  Who believes in the most outrageous lies because they aren't intelligent to know better. Life can be cruel ... it's very, very cruel in this situation.

It's sad to watch such and know what's happening and can't change it. The power of a woman who knows how to use it on a person who desperately wants a woman ... is formidable.  Who can't find another woman because he's told he can't. Who believes every word that comes out of lying lips.

This is where I stop.  We all have to walk the roads in our Life ... no one else can do it for us.  I've walked many in my own Life ... even Skip couldn't walk them for me.  

Even if we wish, know and want to protect others from bad things ... we can't.  They have to walk on their own roads and they'll walk in circles if while walking they don't learn their Life lessons.  

This person has walked in circles for years ... wasted years.  It's his road to travel ... travel he will in hopes eyes will open one day.  I don't see that happening. It hurts me to see that even knowing all this ... the person continues on saying 'they know, they're not stupid'.

I can only say prayers that he can walk a safe trip through the rest of his life on his road. We truly cared ... but, it's time we look ahead. We can be there if needed ... as we've been asked. No hard feelings ... though on my part ... with my imperfect self ... I had to cope hard with them. I'm okay now.  Everything is going to be alright.

Christmas ... is inside us ... not the gifts ... though yes, they are fun to get, open.  Colorful, happy, exciting to get the things we want, wish for.  It is for everyone. I know that.

For me, it has been years now ... I look back to Tommy's death 8 years ago ... I quit wishing for gifts. Gifts at Christmas became unimportant to me.  Love, family, our Pets ... are most important.  

They are there when no one else is ... through all the good, bad times. We are fortunate to have our loved ones here.

Christmas is ... Us, Life ... Love, Caring, Empathy, Compassion, Loyalty, Honesty ... those are the greatest gifts of all.  These gifts can't be wrapped in a present ... and only actions can show them.

Merry Christmas to everyone.  We may have packing boxes in place of a Christmas tree ... that's okay.  We are getting ready to embark on another journey in Life ... not knowing what to expect.

Remember how exciting that would be as younger people?  Well, we are going to look at this in that way.  We are ready to get on a new road to travel ... one thing about it ... it brings new life to us as older adults.  We need it ... excitement, fun :) <3 

That'll help us to stay youthful longer. We don't know what to expect but, we welcome 2019 with open arms.  This is a chapter of our life that will soon end in 2018.

Oh ... one more thing I find I do as each New Year comes in at midnight ... is take note of us who get to go into the next year now. I never did that before.  Strange, isn't it?  I pray for everyone to go into 2019. 

Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG. Photos owned by Me, also. 

Real Life Comes With Real Weight Loss ... See How It Has Affected Me So Far

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG ... photos taken December 24, 2018


I am so happy to be nearing my destination on Weight Loss Road in my journey to find ME.  It hasn't been easy at all and if I hadn't worked hard ... I would have gained it all back.  Thank God for giving me strength to go on.

At one point when meeting people I've (women .. to be clear) ... always laughed, talked to ... thought liked me ... I almost went back to being fat ... overweight again.  So ... they'd like ME again.  Hell no, I won't. 

Why?  I will tell you why below.  This is what happened yesterday ... this isn't the first time it has happened after meeting up with 'friends' that haven't seen me to know I've lost so much weight. Read on.  You know I don't sugar-coat Life ... real Life.  This is real Life and it hurt me ... made me feel bad ... but, not for long.

I will choose being myself ... I won't gain weight for anyone to be happy so ... I can be sad. I am not the first woman this has happened to ... and I recognize it for what it is ... strange enough I understand with my Heart.  How can I understand?

Because I have been there ... done that.  I have been overweight and someone in the past come up looking nice, trim, happy to have lost their weight ... I would feel a stab of pain, envy ... I couldn't talk to them ... and you see admiration for a job well-done in your husband's eyes, boyfriend's eyes. Of course, the husband or boyfriend hopes, wishes you will do the same.

This is happening to me now ... thankfully ... I am the happiest with myself than I've been especially before my son died.  I have found myself now ... and I'm making up for time I can't remember losing for battling grief, medical issues and such.  I will grow older gracefully just as I wished to.  I like ME now no matter if other women don't. I figure I am making up for 20 or more years :) I've lost to things I can't even tell you.

I am still that good person who liked you to the ones who act differently now. I'm not a threat to anyone ... I have the husband I want.  He's perfect for me.  I'm the same person though my body has shed most of its unneeded weight. Oh, and I am an 'old' woman now. :) <3

My mind, feelings didn't change ... when younger we are used to seeing women lose all that weight ... go out of control ... a lot of times destroying others' lives by doing things they shouldn't ... they hurt their friends, anyone who has a boyfriend or husband ... thinking they look so good that they can get anyone they want not thinking of the anger, grief they leave behind.

Well, they might get them for a short time ... what does that prove?  You got laid with your friend's husband, boyfriend ... does that make you feel good?  How does it make you feel when ... you find out it didn't really make you happy ... and you go on to gain all that weight back? 

See ... that's not what real Life is about at all ... you lost all that weight to go down the wrong path ... now, you have to learn that Life's lesson all over again. Oh ... not to count Karma is going to get your ass back over and over until you do get it right.

Really ... you deserve it if you hurt others to seduce the men they love in their lives.  My Gloria Opinion only.  My little brother used to say, 'Karma is a bitch'.  You hurt other women ... your own gender when you know how it feels ... oh yes, you deserve what is most definitely coming your way one day ... sooner or later.

Gloria ... how can you say things such as this?  Women don't ever voice such to the world ... this is a woman secret. You are telling on women about some of the women games they play ... no one ever sees unless you are another woman ... men certainly don't see it and it's right in front of their eyes.

Oh ... the games played men never see. Sometimes I see them sense something but, go on to think it's their imagination.  Not. They go on to think women just love each other and life's good. No, it isn't.

The only women who don't play games like that are the ones who have become wise through the years, caring to learn what's important in Life ... women who have experienced pain, grief enough to open eyes to make one feel for others, care for others, understand.  Become real ... live real Life ... never pretending to be what they aren't again.

As young people we 'become' so many things like trying on hats ... not knowing as we play those games we hurt others at the same time.  We snub them, shrug them off while we prance up Life's road merrily ... only at a later time ... look back, see ... wish we hadn't.  We were too busy being something in our imagination.

Men ... pay attention ... wake up, notice how we women play games in front of you when all you see are two women smiling, pretending to like each other.  Think I'm lying?  I do play the pretend game of liking someone I don't like ... if I have to ... to be polite, nice, not create a scene.  If I can go the other way I will.  I don't like to be untrue to ME.

I've been a female all my life ... I grew up in a female world, a for-real female world ... I know exactly what females do.  I learned it all ... do I want to play games with anyone now?  No, I'm older, wiser ... understand Life is about more important things.  I can't bear to hurt others ... and won't unless forced to.

Do I love to dress in pretty clothes and ... rock them?  Oh yes! it's been a long time in coming.  I want to be a 'hot' grandmother that my grandchildren will be proud of ... they don't know me ... now they can see ME ... I'm a lot in appearance like when younger.  Now ... I look a lot like when Tommy was a young boy.  I can give my grandchildren that. A lot of women wish this ... I'm no exception.

Haven't you ever wished to see grandparents look like how they really looked when younger, know them as a young person.  I think it sad we lose our youth before our children's children know us as what we used to could do, be, was. Am I vain?  No, I'm not.  I've wished to see my grandmother in her prime ... knowing she had to be beautiful.  I only had a few photos to know.

My grandchildren have never known me ... I keep thinking I want them to see Tommy's mother ... be proud his mother ... who is their grandmother is someone they are happy to see, glad they met.  I want to reflect good on my son, son's children. On myself ... on my husband.  Let them see me before age covers me with its blanket to make me look older, grayer and all those good things.

I have been in a million pieces ... shattered to kingdom come and back ... after the death of Tommy, my son.  I have through time been trying to gather pieces of me ... to put ME back together again to be the person I remember myself being happiest as ... I mean in appearance.  I'm glad my mind has stayed open to grow, mature through time. I'm not a shallow, dumb, uncaring person.

This is what I wrote yesterday after another encounter with a couple ... the woman has always been friendly to me and talk up a storm.  Yesterday we met up with them ... she couldn't look me in the face.  She is overweight ... I made her feel bad just being there in the world with her in the same spot at the same time. 

Do you know that hurt me? I read what's not said aloud ... I sensed with my Heart.  I know how it feels and have experienced it time after time after time.  I felt for that woman because she was letting my weight loss have power over her to make her act differently. But see ... I couldn't tell her that.

Think about it ... I couldn't tell her in words ... no time to and it could have caused more pain. It was unnecessary ... if ... she'd looked me in the eyes and saw ... I am still the same caring, good person I was.  Eyes reflect what we really are ... our words reflect even more who we really are, our actions ... say it all.

It hurt me because it's unnecessary ... we aren't young people now ... we all know how that works ... when people are young ... well, even older too ... they go on to hurt because they want to satisfy all their little whims and such ... losing weight is like winning a lottery.  Some people use it well ... others rub it in and go on to destroy never caring what they leave behind.  Shattered friends, hearts broken. 

Yes ... people DO have that power whether we like it or not.  It's like being president ... do what you want, run over others to get it. The good thing if there is such ... when someone abuses that power it's normally short-lived.  Lost weight ... can be gained back quickly ... and then the other woman gets her revenge.  Sad, but true.  You will learn from hurting others ... you will in time know how it feels.

Here's what I said I wrote yesterday about this encounter, my feelings:

I am so happy to take photos of the person l recognize. I am so glad to have come this far on my weight loss.

One thing that saddens me when l meet people we know ... the wives or girlfriends won't speak to me now and avert their eyes and not see me. They used to laugh, talk to me when l was overweight.

This hurts my feelings to an extent. I am not interested in anyone's husband, boyfriend. Anyone who knows ME knows that.

I am just thankful to lose the weight that hid me so well that l couldn't recognize ME in my own mirror.

I am taking pleasure in actually wearing my clothes that have been put up so long when before l would look at them wishing so much to wear them again.

So ... l am the same person now as l was before losing weight. My husband means my whole world just as yours does to you.

I am thinking of 2 people in particular. You hurt the feelings of someone who didn't deserve that treatment.

I still care, respect you because l recognize why you did that ... most all women do that time to time ... it is a woman thing.

I am speaking of things normally never spoken out loud ... it is real life, l don't sugarcoat it. If l were a bad person l would take pleasure in hurting, making others uncomfortable ... l don't. I care about people's feelings ... if l didn't, then I would deserve the cold shoulder. 💜💜💜💛💛💛💛💜💛💜💛

Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG.  Photos owned by me, also.

I Took Off My Rosy Glasses in 2001 ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG ... 2018

Sometimes ... I feel like saying what I really think about things happening in this world (this is the most private layer of Me).

I don't because I don't feel like arguing, pursuing it .. it isn't worth my time, breath and it sure won't change a thing if I do.

I'll leave it to everyone else who has plenty of breath, time and fire to hash it out. :)

If I were younger I would do it probably because of not knowing better ... thank God, I'm a little older now. :)

I'll just sit back and watch the fireworks. I don't enjoy because so many people are/will be hurting. Sometimes, whether we like it or not ... Life can be so sad ... scary all at the same time.

We are living in a scary time when all the things we took for granted ... can be gone in a flash.

I noticed something I do now that I've never done in my life ... that shows I won't take anything for granted ever again ... when the alarm goes off on tv as they do the monthly testing ...

I look up, listen ... why? Because our world here isn't as safe as we've taken for granted it is. I know a voice could say to take cover ... something bad is happening.

I think my eyes were opened, and mind ... while in the deepest grief just learning my mother died and on the way to picking up her ashes ... now, you know if something penetrates deep, raw grief ... it's something to always remember.

On September 11th, 2001 ... I was standing in the living room, eyes blinded by tears as I was watching television but, not seeing it. My mother was dead and I was in the most awful state of mind.

I became aware that the airplane wasn't in a movie that hit the twin towers ... somehow I became aware that ... OMG, it was real.

This was the beginning of my eyes opening to see the world I thought was safe ... the world through my rosy glasses.

I took those glasses off and never put them back on again. I wished to put them back on ... but, I couldn't.

It was time to face real Life as if I hadn't already faced it a million times in my Life. This was new.

I notice today ... just like me ... people are nervous, worried, even afraid. People are afraid now to speak about certain things ... friends, family ... strangers will turn against them ... even kill them ... yes, we've seen that too.

Separation of families who were once close ... friendships that lasted through so much through years ... gone now. Family members ... hate ... really hate the other.

I don't discuss these things with anyone ... I won't discuss them now with anyone. I am just making an observation that disturbs me greatly. Why?

I love Families ... I've learned in Life how important it is to have family. I love the sounds of a family ... I want the Family to survive all battles it faces.

I don't have mine and I want everyone else to, especially younger people to grow up with strong family ties ... strong family support so that they one day ... won't end up alone.

Tell young people to grow deep roots with family, friends ... roots that can't be casually pulled up by Life storms. Stubborn roots like weeds that grow everywhere ... keep coming back.

That's the kind of roots people once had with their families, friends ... today it's all being destroyed. Isn't anyone seeing this but, me? Don't answer that to me ... just look around and listen, sense. Open your eyes, mind.

There are too many wars in this world ... I don't choose to war with anyone, anything. If I ever choose to, I will win it. That's because it will be a death to the end sort of thing. It just isn't worth it to me.

I'll just stay quiet, private, smile at everyone as they destroy the people they love. Nothing I can say will stop them ... the role models in our world has changed so drastically ... children are growing up to be very different today. We reap what we sow.

I can only reflect my little light with love, caring, compassion. I'm thankful I'm not alone in this world of ours ... I see others reflecting their little lights, also.

So ... I'm thinking lots of little lights equal great-big light ... unity. I think it's greater than all the darkness in the world. I think light can, will win.

I believe in good and I think good ... can and will ... win in this mean, old world. Sometimes though ... I lose hope only to find it again ... over and over. We can't give up.

If anyone comments here ... it has to be in a positive way, good way. People listen when you speak quietly, softly. They can't hear if one is screaming, talking over the other.

I am speaking in my quiet, soft way. I wonder if anyone heard?

Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka GG.
Photo owned by Me.