Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 2018
The story this morning is about a family member I really wanted to be close to. Really loved, really just wanted to be family and knew it would be so. Just because it is supposed to be ... should be ... doesn't make it so.
When people come together each with a different agenda ... you know it isn't going to work. If people could learn to be honest, upfront ... well they can be honest but, not look like they are. You are right ... how many people come into a relationship putting themselves out there for the other to really see? No one.
Even I don't do that, I'm cautious with people and watch, study, listen... sense. There are things I watch for ... words I use to 'see the colors' of the other person. I'm no one special but ... there's the BUT ... I am somebody to myself and I like me. I do that to nip things in the bud as my Grandma Alma used to say ... to stop wasting time ... your time, my time is valuable. So is my ... Heart.
There's no getting around we are all a product of our childhood (I know I am) ... we were shaped, reshaped many times by all in our life. As we grew up ... we formed opinions, ideas, beliefs. Some people say they don't understand where someone is coming from. No, how could they? They lived a completely different childhood.
Even two children in the same household won't remember things the same way. One can be damaged ... the other well-rounded.
Gloria Faye Brown ... 3 years old
One child is treated differently than the other. One child gets into trouble more than the other. I'll tell you something about that ... I would lie to keep another child from being in trouble, getting a spanking. I would attract attention to protect another child ... I got a lot of spankings, slaps, cussing out ... protecting because I loved.
I don't think adults see that far when they scold children. They do it never knowing that child was innocent. When the child grows up they say, "you were the meanest child when little". They never knew their favorite children were the culprits. Why tell them?
Today as an adult I see, know I am careful with people in general, especially any family. I'm cautious because like a road I know all the pot holes ahead. I'm careful with the several people I allow to touch my Heart ... I don't spend time with them ... I don't talk all the time to them, I don't over-do anything with them.
Why? Because ... that's the quickest way to lose someone you love in my family ... to make an enemy. The quickest way to lose someone you invested your very Heart in ... because you really cared, loved. Because they mean more than they can ever know, or imagine.
I have several family members I truly love dearly ... they aren't the family I grew up with as a child. Sadly they all have died, some in awful ways. Died younger than they should have. The family members I love today ... always reach out, touch my Heart time to time. They respect me, my privacy ... seem to understand I am different. I see that some of them are different like me ... they have grown up experiencing ... family, our family ... like me.
We all respect, care. No one has to be dishonest trying to get something from the other. We are all givers ... and would give our last penny, shirt off our backs. They all have beautiful families and they take care of them. I didn't grow up like that ... I watched other kids who had parents to protect them ... when I needed someone to keep me safe ... no one was there.
I couldn't call out to anyone to make so and so leave me alone. Make so and so not do this or that to me. I grew up afraid of men's hands. Oh no ... that fear didn't last any longer than when I got old enough to defend myself. I could be a hellcat as a young person ... and I had a chip on my shoulder. I was quiet, very quiet and would hold my ground quietly. I held it too when challenged.
Gloria Faye Brown as a young woman ...
Still ... things happen to a young girl, woman. This is as they grow older, learn they can't fight the whole world ... they can't save the world at all. Like many before me ... I really thought I could. I felt I was so strong I could. Things happened through time to shape, reshape my thoughts, feelings. We never stay the same ... we are always changing thoughts, beliefs ... yet we ... stay the same.
I just hurt someone special in my Heart. I closed a permanent door between us, threw away the key. That person who is so much like me ... did the same on the other side of the door. It has to be ... The End of that chapter. There's no more story to write there ... the good thing is both of us will go on with Life, do good. I know they will ... smart, intelligent like their father. Sharp enough to go on to be a lawyer, whatever else they are desiring to be.
I used words, exact words to be clear probably too clear to express what I felt ... a lot of pain from the past influenced my choice of words. I came off as harsh, rude ... no matter that I thought I did it in the kindest way possible. Looking back at the words ... I guess they were harsh, rude to others. To me, they seemed direct to the point ... too much so ... I could see why, where they would hurt deeply.
Seldom do I unleash my feelings like that. It really takes a lot of pain to push me. Am I sorry? I apologized that I hurt and came off as harsh, rude. I can see what they meant. The door is, will remain closed in this lifetime ... we instinctively know it has to be. Sometimes in Life ... it has to be that way even if you can't put your finger on exactly why.
I know in my Life after staying in pure grief for many years with all the illnesses Skip Bates and I have suffered, still go through medical stuff from them ... and the 'bad' things that have happened ... all the deaths ... I mean all the deaths of loved ones on both sides of my family of everyone I loved with my Heart have taken their toll on me.
So many things I can't remember offhand have happened ... normal people in their lives only experience just a few things ... I haven't been normal at all. That's why I know how so much feels in Life ... firsthand. I can't afford with my Heart to get close to anyone else ... I don't know if I could survive a lot more pain.
I've spent so many years in darkness when I had cancer battling to live ... years in darkness battling grief for the loss of my son to live, come back. The death of my son ... has affected me so much ... it's the worse pain I've ever felt in my entire life.
It's been 8 years and I'm back ... feet planted firmly on the ground I stand on. I'm going to hold my ground and as Life brings it on ... I'm going to feel it even if it hurts. What in the world will I do ... if Life brings me wonderful things and there's no pain involved? I'm not used to such. Wow, it felt good just to imagine it! I think I'll keep that in my mind.
I began writing about family and such ... I didn't stray off subject too much. I will reveal what I have learned about myself through time ... no matter what I do, try ... it always come back to this ... I have to love from a distance for it to last a lifetime when it comes to family. I love just as deeply ... and I treasure the few family members who have found a place in my Heart. I'm glad they understand how I am.
Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2013
Note by this author:
Real life ... my life is like this. I roll with the twists, turns Life sends me. Gracious, I wish for wonderful, good things to happen so, I can just see how it feels to be to enjoy such. I do get a taste of it time to time ... only briefly enough to know I want it so much. I'm looking forward to our New Year 2019 ... today is New Year's Eve.
I wish for everyone a wonderful year ahead. I wish for the family member I hurt deeply with words ... the most successful, wonderful life full of dreams, wishes come true. I really am sorry I let my pain influence my words that hurt deeply. The door I closed has to be ... we are too much alike. I will love you at a distance.
Story/Photos owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.
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