Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 26, 2018
Like Humpty Dumpty ... all my shattered pieces are put back together again.
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates (Doodle by Me)
On December 28, 2004 our home burned down taking all of our belongings. I did manage to dig out some things. I went to where the bedroom was ... to where the mantlepiece was ... laying on the ground. Lying in the charred debris was this ... in my photo here.
My mother's ashes had burned for a second time. She would never have believe this ... neither could I. I picked them up, held them like a baby close to my chest.
I took them back to the hotel where we were staying with our 3 dogs. Salvation Army helped us with the rooms there. That was another dark time in our life. We faced it with a positive attitude though we were very sad, upset. We kept telling each other everything was going to be alright ... later in time it was. It didn't happen overnight ... things take time.
Just like now ... we say the same thing. Everything is going to be alright ... and ... it will be. <3 <3 <3
Another bad thing happened on January 2nd or 3rd, 2005 a few days after our house fire ... I'm still confused about the date ... my cousin who was helping us was hit head-on by a log truck. She died in that crash. It was more than horrible.
I remember thinking later when someone showed me ... that she and I wouldn't have ever believed we were in the same newspaper at the same time ... I lost everything in a house fire ... she lost her life in a log truck crash.
The 'bad' things that have happened in my life haven't been just ordinary 'bad' things. They have been traumatizing and more than bad.
This isn't nothing compared to what happened through the years until now. See ... Life has a way of throwing curves ... and the next thing you know you are thrown onto a path you never chose to travel. You can only travel it until you find your way off that road.
I had just recently stepped onto a road I thought would be a good, beautiful road to travel only to find that the first part of it hurt me too much to keep going.
I made the decision to get off that road when I read 6 little words that told me all I needed to know. They will forever be burned into my Heart because the pain was as hot as if I had placed my hands on red-hot heater.
Those little words said so much. Not only that ... it opened my eyes to see that I would never be so blind again. I'm thankful to read them so soon ... I have been completely stressed out for the past several weeks. Now ... I won't have to be anymore. I can protect my Heart now. I know better.
I'm thankful I won't invest in anymore time with my Heart. There comes a time when we need to jump out of a out of control car before we are crushed, damaged beyond repair.
I have almost put all my shattered pieces back together after these 8 years since my son died. I was getting ready to shatter again.
Thank God ... I have the strength I need to know when to let go ... and go forward. Everyone is at a point in life they grow from ... we are all not at the same place in Life ... we all aren't looking for the same things as the other.
I was looking at only the precious, special person who came into my life ... I ignored one little red flag that stood out to me at the beginning ... then several afterwards ... I didn't ignore 6 little words that jerked harshly any blinders left on my eyes ... off.
I was sincere ... my Heart was in the right place. I let my Heart lead me into more pain. Oh my ... that really, really hurt bad. I don't know that I'm strong enough to handle such now. I choose not to.
Today I have taken off the 'Granny Gee' and the 'GG; off my name. For years I've written as that ... no more. I will write only under my name Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... no more Granny this or Granny that, GG thing at all. I am only a grandmother in name only. I can only be ... ME ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates.
I will love from a safe distance just like always. I will not under any circumstances get close to another relative. I have several whom I love very much who are at a distance ... I love, respect, care for.
I will not answer anymore questions here ... only privately. Then I may not answer very much then. Then again ... I may not choose to answer at all. So know this if you choose to ask.
I don't want to cause grief, pain anymore than is caused ... I choose not to bring anymore grief, pain into my private life where I've lived since my son died.
I am going to protect Skip all I can ... his blood pressure is driven up almost daily ... he is going to have to have surgery in the near future.
At NC Heart and Vascular they monitor his pacemaker ... and this kind of upset registers there to show he is undergoing stress ... it registered so much when he was told we needed to move that the cardiologist said he almost called Skip to come in to the hospital. The cardiologist said it made Skip's heart 'beat in the lower chamber' or something to that effect. Whatever it did ... it was serious.
The cardiologist asked Skip what happened on that date ... it was when Skip was told we had to move so the house could be sold by Christmas. It had just turned off dead winter here ... the weather said we had January weather early. No money, no place to go ... panic ... medical issues, surgeries ... just a few things to think about.
We aren't the only ones who are going through such stress. We are the ones I am most concerned about at the moment. Skip's blood pressure being number one.
Skip had to have another pacemaker put in with an extra wire. The upset and stress has affected him so much ... and each day his blood pressure goes up high. Lately he is having to lay down a lot ... has headaches.
I'm going to be alright now so, my stress doesn't affect him anymore. Skip is my whole world ... and our Pups3. They are all I've got ... they have my very Heart.
Skip has been worrying about me since day before yesterday and constantly asking me if I'm okay. This latest has affected him very much. He knows me very well ... thankfully he knows me well enough ... that today when I say I'm okay ... I really am. He can quit worrying though he's upset because he loves too, cares.
I just thought of something ... this is the way I always write ... I start writing about one thing only to flow to other things. I write Life as it really is ... there's no pattern ... no continuity ... things happen out of the blue ... bad things. That's not to forget all the good things too ... and being most thankful for them and the ones who make them happen.
We all have to make decisions in our own lives ... if we choose to let things continue that hurt us ... we will suffer the consequences. I have been through too many storms and have seen too much, felt too much ... survived ... to keep traveling in this one. It can only get worse ... I would be the main character in the story who would be hurt most.
I know I've made the right decision for all ... no one has to feel anymore pain once they cope with the pain felt lately. I think two main characters in this story ... one being me ... were wanting different outcomes ... expecting, wanting different things.
I am only Me ... I am not rich at all ... what you see is what you get. I don't pretend at all, I am a for-real good person though at times it may seem I'm not ... I am upfront and as kind as possible. One knows where they stand with me.
Oh ... just because I wrote, published 3 books doesn't mean they are best sellers ... best written ... because they don't sell at all, and they aren't written perfectly at all. They are like my doodles, jewelry making and creative things I do ... imperfect like ... ME.
I did do what I meant to do with one book 'I Cry For Tommy'. I have remembered him always ... and anyone who reads any words in that book will bring his memory alive for a few moments.
I am proud though ... to have 3 copyrights at The Library of Congress for each of my books. But ... that doesn't make me an author who is successful, rich. It just makes me an author of 3 books ... 3 books that aren't perfect at all. I'm happy with that.
I am loyal, honest, dependable to the ones I love. Sometimes ... other people aren't like that ... sometimes, other people have other things in mind. I'm not sorry that ... I can't be what they hoped for or wanted ... I am not sorry that ... I am Me.
Now ... I am going forward and not looking back. Like Humpty Dumpty I've put ME back together again ... and I aim ... to keep me from shattering all over again. Here's to me holding myself tightly together.
Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... photos owned by me, too.
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