Our Babysitter Wanted To Cut My Brother's Wiener Off ... Kill Us

Photos of ME ... my Mama ... I don't have any photos of my little brother. Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown  ...

I sit here this morning in my little pool of sunshine

I look out the window to see inside

Memories of things both happy, painful ... sorrowful

I go through one by one as thoughts float by 

Deciding what to write about each morning

Maybe that one... oops! No, that one

This morning isn't any different ... I'm still thinking

Like you ... I never know what I will write about

I hope it will be interesting, inspirational whatever it is

The sunshine isn't as bright at the moment

Making my thoughts ... memories a little darker

When it shines brightly ... so, do I

My mind was just triggered by a dark shadow outside

I see ... I remember ... two children ... a little boy, a little girl

We were being taken care of ... only we weren't 

Her name was Helen ... a heavy set, black lady

She was nice except when drinking, waiting for her boyfriend

Then ... our little home, world became a scary place

We were locked outside when her boyfriend came

My little brother was told if he told our mama

She would cut his weiner off ... she would kill us

We tried to tell our mama, she didn't believe us

Little children make up tales to get attention

Mama, please don't let Helen come back, she is going to kill us!

Mama didn't act as if she heard us ... we were so afraid for the next day

Helen was coming back ... she'd be drinking ...mean, angry

We were in the way when her boyfriend would come

The next day came ... Helen came ... all smiles ... she was so nice

Until mama went out the door off to work ... Helen locked the door

She began walking slowly toward us ... saying she told us not to tell mama

Her eyes blazed as if on fire ... her fingers were clenching ... unclenching

She was going to cut my brother's wiener off ... she was going to kill us

I grabbed my little brother's hand, ran ... dragging him while he screamed

Into the big, white bathroom we went ... I reached up, locked the door

Helen beat on that door screaming what she was going to do to us

I remember watching the lock on the door each time she tried to bust it open

The door would shake violently, the latch would shake too

Mama! My mind called out to my mama to come save us

I knew she wouldn't hear ... she didn't believe Helen was going to kill us, cut my little brother's wiener off

I was trembling ... afraid of being killed at the same time knowing my mama

Would kill me too for daring to run from the babysitter, lock us in the bathroom

I held my little brother, he couldn't cry anymore ... we waited for the door to open

When ... all became deathly quiet for a moment ... we knew it was a trap

To make us come out ... whatever was happening on the other side of the door

Became loud ... men's voices ... mama's angry voice! She was cussing Helen!

I waited a moment deciding whether to unlock the door when I heard my mama

Saying to unlock the door ... I knew she was the one who would kill me now

I was the one who locked my brother and I in the bathroom

My hand shook so hard I had a time unlocking the door

The door came flying open ... I closed my eyes waiting to die

Arms, hands flew out to grab me ... I didn't feel any pain

I opened my eyes to see my mama's face as she held both my little brother and I

Her eyes were full of anger as tears ran down her face ... somehow I knew

I wasn't going to die that day ... the anger wasn't at me

I relaxed in my mama's arms ... she believed us after all

She had left for work as usual ... sneaking back to hear Helen screaming at us

She ran next door to call the police ... came back to confront Helen

The police came quickly as we lived in town ... they took Helen away 

Just as her boyfriend drove up wondering what the Hell was happening

My mama ran to him showing him what the devil would do if he ever came back

That was one of the few times ... just for a moment ... I felt my mama's love

Fierce, ready to fight for her children kind of love ... can you imagine how my little girl Heart felt?

My mama really loved ME! For this moment at least ... for this moment was all that mattered.

Making Faces At The World ... At Life ... Even You!

Photo of ME ... owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... Making faces at this world, Life ... even ... You!

Do you ever feel like making faces at the world? At Life? I normally don't but, this time ... here it is! Here's my making faces at the world ... at Life! And ... even You!! Why?

I really don't mean it in a bad way ... sometimes,  I feel so tired ... I have no one to say it to ... so, I guess I'll say it to the world ... say it to Life.

World ... I am so, so tired. Life ... I am so, so tired. Hey You ... I am so, so tired.

What does that mean? Does it mean it's the end of the world for ME? Does it mean I'm ready to throw in the towel? 

Am I going to fall to my knees crying, whining, "I give up!" Am I going to pull my hair out sobbing "woe is me!'?

Hellfire! Yes, I said that ... I'll say it one more time ... Hell-to-the-fire! Hellfire! Hell _______ fire! I own up to it ... you see it right here ... I said it again. I told you I'm not perfect. I just get so tired, sad for so much.

I am a good person with very real feelings ... I am a real person walking on this very real path of Life that ... I ... CHOOSE ... to ... walk .. on. 

I DON'T have to walk this path ... I know how to drive ... I know how to veer off onto another road ... I am an adventurous soul ... yet ... I keep my eyes on this road recovering from every bump, every wreck LIFE throws my car in ... spinning ME around so much ... that I don't know which way to go when I come to a standstill. 

I know Hell well ... I've lived my Hell on this earth. I still live it BUT ...

I choose the path I live it on. I choose ... the ... path ... I ... live ... it ...   on. I walk through the fires of Hell on this earth for two precious beings in my Life every day.

Think about it ... I could have walked away a long time ago. I could have chosen all that glitters once again ... let it suck ME in ... let me forget my grief ... my pain ... each day and night of stress I go through. 

I could have for-real taken the easy way out ... instead of walking the path of Life I walk today. I know the way ... I didn't forget it ... it would have welcomed ME back with open arms like it was yesterday.

I could have ... there's nothing to prevent ME from doing just that. Well ... there is one thing that prevents ME ...

My HEART ... full of the purest form of LOVE for two living beings who love ME, NEED ME. To them I AM important ... I couldn't ever be so important to anyone else left in this world ... my child is gone, so, is everyone who ever loved ME.

Here on this path I have chosen ... it doesn't matter if I'm less than perfect ... look like Hell some days, feel bad ... out of sorts ... I am loved by the two beings I walk this path in Life for. (Just a little note here ... your pets love you like this ... unconditionally). I love ... like this ... unconditionally. 

I Do walk through Hell for these two precious beings ... I carry their weight on my shoulders ... sometimes, not being able to stand up straight from the pain, fatigue that goes through, stays in my body. 

I cry, I weep all alone for all these two precious beings have been, were ... in their lives ... boiling down to ... just ME to carry them on their remaining journey in this life. 

I carry them with pure love ... with my strength I have left in my body. I will carry them to their Finish Line in Life ... then ...walk, crawl, hobble as gracefully as I can with what's left of ME ... Gloria ... on to my Finish Line.

So ... here's to my making faces at the world ... making faces at Life ... at even You ... making faces in the nicest of ways! Yes ... Life is sometimes like this!

Just know sometimes, when someone makes a face at You ... they aren't meaning it in a bad way. It's a way of relieving stress with a mixture of being silly and laughing at oneself all at one time. 😆 Like ME!

All the while I've sat here ✍ writing ... the sunshine has favored me with the most golden, bright pool of sunshine 🌞 I have been sitting here basking in it as I write my Heart out ...... smiling. Sunshine makes ME happy. 

You all know as long as Skip, Camie sleeps ... I sit here on the bed watching over them until they wake. I write while they sleep ... 😴 

Oh ... this Life's path I have chosen for ME to walk on ... I wouldn't trade it for another path in Life. This path I walk has real meaning to it ... I feel this IS what real Life is all about. 

Real things, people we care about ... we care for one another when the other can't  ... no matter how pleasant, unpleasant until we can't ... we do all the best way we can. 

Love makes us do things we normally couldn't do. Love creates miracles. Love really is what Life is about. You might not realize this fully until you are older. Sadly ... some people chase everything else in Life never realizing this until later in Life. Oh my ... the time we waste ... the people we lose in our lives we never get to show when we finally learn.

Life Lessons are learned ... sometimes learned the hardest of ways. When I do rest one day I can feel good inside knowing I did what's right to the best of my ability ... while I live the rest of my life out ... I'll know I did the very best I could all the while ... knowing I chose to ... wanted to. All fueled from such unending, powerful love stronger than my body ... for my Husband, Skip ... our Pup, Camie.

Does that mean I'm perfect? 🤔 😁😃😀🙂🙃🙂 YOU know the answer now ... I don't have to tell you. Oh, I made the face at You, too ... but, just in a playful, silly way ... I really hope it made you smile.

Happy day, colors to you who followed my writing to this very last sentence for today. Thank you, I AM truly honored 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 

May the Sun shine on you, bring such happiness to your Heart, Life mixed with the beautiful colors all around you 💖 

 

My Break Dance Of Life

My Break Dance Of Life ...

Yes, I know how to get down to the beat of Life

I can get down with the best of them

I dance to the beat of drums, to the music of Life

I go to the floor to pick up things dropped

I jump up in the air to reach for things up high

I lift, pull, moan ... groan

I dance to the beat of real life ... doing amazing things

With my fragile body as it grows older

My hands hurt, my body knows pain

Does that stop Me? As long as the music goes on ... so, will I!

I dance for three ... my husband, dog ... and I

They can't dance anymore but ... I sure can

Here's to my dance of Life not just for ME

I carry three ... I will dance until I can't dance anymore!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...  4-27-2024 

I Use This Body To Help The Ones I Love

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates 4.27.2024

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Sometimes my smile slips 

When I'm more than tired

Sometimes my smile slips because of

The terrible pain in my body

I don't use this body just for ME

I, also, use it to help the ones I love

Sometimes ... Life is this way

Sometimes ... it just plain hurts

No complaints ... I keep on

I will win this race ... I've won many more

This is the way real Life is ... sometimes

For all the joy ... there's pain too

Real Life ... I Live It With No Pretense Of Anything

 

No matter how beautiful you think you are .... if you aren't beautiful on the inside ... you are ugly. Photos owned, and of ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates 

Skip is falling back to sleep 😴 I just helped him get comfortable in bed a short time ago. Miss Camie raised her head for a brief moment checking to see if we were getting up 🙂

The sun 🌞 is shining brightly this morning ... it was shining on my face, hair ... now, it seems to have changed positions in the sky or ... it isn't shining quite as intense as it was. 

Gracious ... this isn't a big thing ... so, why do I care? Because ... each morning I look forward to sitting here in my favorite spot on the bed ... in a little pool of sunshine to write.

The sun lifts my spirits ... I love the 'goldenness' ...  (did I just make up a word 🙃) ... I wish I had a pool of liquid sunshine ... not very hot, mind you. Can you imagine how nice that would feel? Can you imagine how silly I feel writing ✍ what I never say in words ... about the sunshine? No, I don't feel silly ... I'm appreciating the sunshine.

If you come here to read ME 📚 ... you will see where the tiniest things no one pays attention to ... make ME feel happiness. I write trying to express what it feels like ... I don't know why ... unless it feels good putting into words to read ... real feelings. No, that doesn't make sense ... that's okay ... real Life doesn't always make sense but, it happens.

I have quite an imagination ... one of so many thoughts, colors ... magical, good as well as ... scary. I am always 'writing 'a book in my head ... my mind is always guessing the outcome of things. 

We all know this about ME ... even strangers ... everything I write ✍ isn't perfect ... it doesn't have to be. Being real isn't perfect ... especially being ME. It brings to mind the 3 years I tried so hard to be perfect, doesn't it? I've never tried to be perfect before that ... nor since. Why?

Because ... I found out being a Gloria ... this Gloria ... doesn't have to be perfect at all. What a load off my shoulders when I dropped that self-imposed weight I made myself carry. Why, again? Well ... the many whys goes way back in my life ... for now, I won't take time to think about it.

The good thing is ... I learned no one is perfect ... though sometimes,  they think they are. It's inevitable one day ... harsh reality will set in to humble, reduce one back to what they have been all along. A person who is just a person ... who can only do the best they can.

Like myself ... we can self-inflict prisons we can live in ... in our minds depending on what we want to punish ourselves for. The 'Perfect Prison I placed myself in was so hard ... every waking moment no matter what I had to look perfect, sound perfect, walk perfect ... every hair in place ... 

I made myself into a beautiful-perfect ... so much so ... every mirror became my best friend ... when I walked by I could watch myself smile, hold my head high, pose, dance around in happiness, twirl ... I did love myself though I truly was a good person. 

I hate to admit it ... it's true. I was hung up on beauty ... it stemmed from trying to measure up to my beautiful mother's beauty since being a little girl. Did I succeed? Yes ... even my mother thought I was beautiful... she was proud to let everyone know she had a daughter ... many people never knew. 

I never lived with her long enough ... they knew she had 2 little boys ... they didn't know about me ... wow! She had women 'friends' who were already jealous of her ... then, here comes her daughter who made it worse. 

Sometimes, women treated me not so nice coming from jealousy.  The crazy thing was ... they never had to lower themselves to being like that ... I'll say it again ... I really was a good person though ... I could have been very bad. Later, I learned from my mistakes especially one I'll never forget.

I was innocent, naive ... I had a best friend named Connie ... she WAS the last 'best friend I ever had, too. She really did something terrible ... she set me up on a blind date with one of her friends. She knew I wouldn't date a married man ... I grew up in the grief, pain that adultery wreaked upon my family because of infidelity. No one knew the meaning of loyalty ... how in the world did I learn to be?

I went on a double date, dated the guy several times ... then learned he was a married man. Connie was so jealous of me ... she did the worst thing she could do to hurt ME. She set out to deliberately hurt, humiliate me. Jealousy is a very bad thing ... especially setting out to cause deliberate harm to someone.

I was devastated ... his wife got in touch with me ... I let her know I wouldn't have ever hurt her intentionally... she knew I was almost destroyed by what my 'best friend' did to me ... because Connie was her 'best friend', too! I didn't know that as I didn't grow up around her. 

I made friends with that man's wife ... I've never-ever forgotten her pain, hearing her cry to me. My Heart was broken for her. I think of her today with pain in my Heart ... I cared so much to this day ... I still care.

I'd just come out of a 14 year marriage because I actually saw my husband with another woman. I knew how bad it hurt to be betrayed, have my trust broken ... how it felt to waste years of my life while I was the only one who was married, faithful. 

I couldn't deliberately inflict such pain on anyone like that. I'm not like that. Thank my childhood for that ... I knew pain the average child never knew ... I learned early how it felt. What I knew, felt ... I didn't ever want to be responsible making anyone feel such.

(Oh my! The sunshine is so bright, beautiful this very second! I just closed my eyes to feel, bask in the goldenness of the moment! 😂🙂🙃💛🙂 Yes, I did!)

So ... I am in no way, shape, fashion even close to being 'perfect' (yes, I have a hangup with this word ... the good thing is ... I know it). 

BUT, I can say this ... I am a good person. I love, care about people even if they don't love, care about ME. Doesn't matter ... I live with myself ... I don't need unnecessary bad feelings inside my Heart. 

Since, I'm not perfect ... I can get bad feelings about people ... I work on myself until I can find a place for them so ... they don't keep hurting ME.

Real life ... I live it with no pretense of anything.

When A Child Tries To Commit Suicide ... PERFECT Hell

I wonder ... have I ever been the one to destroy someone's dream of being something in life ... has anything I said to make fun of someone ruined their life? Have I crushed someone to the ground with my words?

Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a precious,  little girl ... who at one time was a little princess ... only to learn the hard way ... she wasn't anyone's princess. If only all parents could protect, love, put their children first ... our world would be a better place. Sadly ... we all aren't that.

This is a morning of wondering ... reflecting it seems as I sit here in my very little, shrinking pool of sunshine 🌞 ☀️ As I wrote those words the sunshine slowly disappeared behind clouds 🙂🙃🙂 

Yes, you guessed it ... I am sitting in my favorite place to write ✍ each morning.  Right here on the bed beside Skip, Camie as they sleep. I can hear, see all is alright with them ... that means my world is alright. 

I read a poem online about not ever being the reason for someone to lose their dream, not ever being the reason they lose hope. You know what I mean.

Sadly ... looking back there were many someones (strange enough, I remember them to this day though I've forgiven all) ... who affected my young life, my dreams like this. I was on the end where my life was set up to fail ... at the mercy of Predators, adults and children alike took their anger, unhappiness out on ME.

Parents of children who separate, divorce ... throw their children here, there ... put those children in a very dangerous position never knowing what that child suffers ... goes through. All to be free, single ... to have fun again. The ones who suffer are the babies, children left behind.

I know this personally ... I know the dark side a little innocent, precious little girl had to walk. There wasn't anyone to hold this little girl's hand when she was afraid. 

No one ever noticed ... although I was in their world ... my world was quite different ... my world was a scary place. No one ever saw ... noticed. Was it because no matter what ... I was quick to smile no matter what had just happened to ME? 

Didn't anyone ever ever become suspicious all wasn't alright with this little girl? Did they not ever suspect their boyfriends, uncles, brother-in-laws, father-in-laws, relatives, male friends weren't all they appeared to be? Some were pillars of the community ... who liked little girls ... they loved to play with little girls.

I grew up in the most suspicious-minded people you ever wanted to meet. Only with ME ... they wore blinders. Strange ... and I really don't think they wanted anyone to molest, abuse me ... for some reason they just couldn't see it ... and it all happened in front of them.

When I say them ... there always was a constant flow of relatives coming, going where I lived at my Grandma Alma's and George's home. This home was a portal to Hell ... no one would believe and I won't try to convince anyone. I know what went on with the children there ... I wasn't the only one who suffered. We were trapped until one day ...

I was maybe 13 years old ... something happened inside ME ... I couldn't take anymore abuse ... physical, mentally. I must have heard someone talk about suicide  ... I never remembered how I knew about it ... but ... I somehow knew no one could make me ever suffer again if I did it.

I can't remember a lot looking back at that pitiful, little girl weeping her Heart out as she held a bottle of her Grandma Alma's medicine in her hands. I see her open the bottle not knowing, understanding how suicide worked ... but, knowing somehow she could be taken away from the Hell she lived in. I ask myself at this very moment ... how DID she know to do such a thing?

I can remember being told why don't I kill myself that the world would be a better place without ME in it ... but, that was a common thing mean kids say to each other. I mean I never knew someone to do it ... nor how a child really killed themselves.

How DID I know to really try to kill myself ... how DID I know to sneak a bottle of God knows what ... to sit there in my own darkness and .. begin swallowing pill after pill ... after pill? 

I can look back now ... darkness ... sunlight ... tears glistening on my eyelids as I weeped tears from my very Heart ... I was in my world all alone ... I knew no one cared ... I knew I couldn't smile anymore. 

My mama was leaving me again ... my mama whom I worshipped, loved with my Heart. My Heart was crying, 'mama don't leave ME!' 

As a little girl ... my mom would leave me for weeks, months ... I would become hysterical, crying uncontrollably at the mention of her name ... I can remember hearing someone always saying not to mention my mother's name around me. No one will ever know how this little girl loved her mama.

I remember vaguely I was feeling strange as I sat there ... I can remember hearing voices ... being at the hospital ... crying, sobbing, weeping. I can't remember a lot after that excepting ...

My father came into my life ... my Hell on this earth was exchanged for another Hell on earth but, a nicer Hell where all was ... PERFECT.

Perfect Hell ... oh my, I was back in what I always knew as a even younger little girl. Everything was spotless ... a beautiful,  real home again ... I could touch something and it wouldn't be dirty, sticky, nasty. 

My clothes became beautiful again ... washed, starched, ironed. My shoes no longer cut into my little feet ... the little nails inside my shoes no longer made holes in my heels making them bleed. I learned to do my hair ... I thought I had ... died (almost) and went to ... Heaven.

I made A's in school .. I learned to study to make them ... before I didn't study but, somehow I passed tests, grades. I was a bright child ... sadly ... no one noticed ... no one cared.

Heaven began  becoming an invisible Hell I didn't... couldn't in any way see coming. It took so long for ME to realize ... stepmothers no matter how nice they appear to be ... aren't... so nice. 

Not only that ... a stepmother is set up in the family where she can be 'if' she wants ... be the puppeteer who controls everyone who then become her puppets.

This is when I over time learned how a person can hide evil disguising it with such sugary sweetness, smiles ... soft, sweet voice ... delightful, charming ... happy laughter all the while plotting in glee what will happen next.

Sadly, I loved my stepmother, trusted her ... I wasn't mature enough to fully understand why when father would show ME love ... all of a sudden it would be gone again ... over and over. My stepmother knew how to manipulate ... not only that ... I had 2 sisters ... she was their mother. Sometimes ... we are like our parents. 

I won't go any farther ... that's enough to write for now to give an idea of how going from a physically, abusive Hell into another Hell that was quieter, appearing to be Heaven to ME. 

So many things I couldn't see coming, nor understand ... why? I had no idea there were 3 people who determined my everyday life until after such a long time ... my eyes, ears began to open.

I was so thankful to be there ...  never realizing that my stepmother's anger, jealousy of my beautiful mother dictated how I ... my beautiful mother's child would be treated. She and her children ... I have to say that all through these years ... no matter what ... I have always loved them ... not trust ... but loved them with my Heart. 

For now, I will stop. Skip and Camie are awake. Soon, we will begin this beautiful day ... the sun is shining ... no rain! Happy colors to us, to you 💚💜💙💛❤💚💜💙💛🧡❤

NOTE:  

I write about my life ... you won't see anger, bitterness from this author. I forgave many, many years ago so, I could be a better person because I learned that holding bad feelings toward others only ... hurts you. You suffer, they don't. 

Let go of hard feelings ... of course, we don't forget ... see, how much lighter you feel. 

This is why I can grow older ... more gracefully. Think of ME as a ... bittersweet person. 

I love the word ... bittersweet ... it's beautiful without being ugly ... it's just the right mixture of being bitter and sweet at the same time ... each canceling the other out so not any one can be negative. 

Just Thoughts ...

 

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... taken summer of 2021 ...

I dissect my thoughts into puzzle pieces, put them back together again. Sometimes ... the pieces go back into the same old place because ... I couldn't change my way of thinking ... because there's nothing new to add to make ME change my mind. That's because I ... just don't know anything new to add to it.

I love to see something different... have new thoughts when I think about something old in my mind. I walk around things in my mind poking, probing, just trying to find, see something different I didn't notice before.

Sometimes, I go to a lot of trouble thinking about certain things, see them in different lights only to have to go back to my original way of thinking. That's because at the moment I don't have anything new that works to make Me know any differently. 

This morning I am thinking about lots of things but, not much on any one thing.

Cicadas ... my only time seeing them when I lived in the mountains of North Carolina.  On the land we owned ... the cicadas came out in their glory. They were everywhere ... I don't remember being afraid of them. Their music was very loud. They were beautiful like jeweled insects.

As I talked on the phone ... I was sitting outside on the porch ... the very air in front of the porch began to ripple as if someone was opening a curtain made of thin air. I became quiet as I watched knowing I was witnessing something very unusual ... the first thought in my mind was ... Tommy! 

I waited for the curtain to open ... fully expecting to see my son step out. Nothing else happened as I sat there on my cellphone describing what was happening to Skip. Skip had called me to see how I was. This wasn't long after my son died. I 'knew' it was Tommy. It never happened again. 

Showering in the rain ... 🌧 💙  making a makeshift private space to shower in the warm summer rains ...

Picking veggies off the plants in our little fenced-in yard. Hoping a nice watermelon will come from the seeds I planted ... last time I had watermelons ... beautiful, small ones ... they weren't the best tasting ... why?

What can I do today to make it special ... do I feel energetic enough to begin something with a lot of work involved? I need to rearrange the living room ... I look forward ... I just have to make myself begin. I need motivation. 

Thoughts ... and more Thoughts. They never end ... I love it ... I'm constantly thinking, reading, watching, listening, studying all around me ... my mind is never stagnant. I don't sit in a stagnant pool of Thoughts ever. 

I don't voice all I think about ... some things never need to be shared with anyone. We all should have some private thoughts to only ourselves, maybe sometimes,  with someone we are close to. A lot of times ... it's best to only think not voice our thoughts.

You can give all your personal thoughts away ... there's always someone who will gather them up as ammunition to hurt you with later. 

Then ... there are the people who love, care about you ... of course, there are those you trust with your Heart ... who will hurt you most, murder you. 

One never knows ... can you tell I watch Unsolved Mysteries... Evil People ... such things 🙃? Thoughts ...

More thoughts ... I looked out window, trees are swaying gently in the breeze ... I see our gas grill ... grilled chicken, 🍔 hamburgers, hotdogs! Thoughts ... more thoughts ... 

Thoughts of any, everything. My mind never stops ... like my hands, my mind stays busy ... doing something ... thinking something ...

Opinions ... I'll Think As I Feel ... My World Makes ME Think As I Do

Photo owned, is of Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... our thoughts are important to ourselves ... because we think them. Sometimes, we don't appreciate others' thoughts just as they don't appreciate ours. Sometimes ... thoughts shared become something real, beautiful ... our minds are magical.

My opinions ... your opinions are just that ... opinions. They are based on feelings, not facts. Remember that old saying about opinions ... they are like -ssholes ... everyone has one.

I have many opinions,  I'm sure you do, too. Think about it ... we can be sitting with other people, begin expressing our opinion ... all of a sudden many people begin chiming in with ... you got it ... their opinion.

The next thing you know ... people begin arguing ... sometimes, people get close to fighting. All because they can't convince the other to believe what they want ... they can't manipulate others to think only what they want them to think. They can't make them think like them ... all because of ... what they feel.

They want to fight with words, fists, guns? when opinions are based on ... feelings, a lot of times on very little facts. Someone wants to kill, beat you up if you won't believe what they say because they 'feel' a certain way about something.

Well ... I will speak only for myself ... I have many Gloria opinions based on ... my feelings on different facts, from different people, circumstances. My opinions still boil down to ... my feelings about something. 

That doesn't mean I'm right ... it only mean that's what I think, feel about something. Guess what? I am very open-minded ... my opinions, my feelings constantly change. 

My opinions change as I see things in a different light ... begin to 'feel' that's right. I change my opinion when I change my way of thinking.

I don't let you force ME to believe something because you want me to. I will respect you, your opinion even if I disagree 100% with you. We all arrive at our opinions differently.  We all live in this world together yet ... we all live in different worlds. 

My world shapes, forms what I think combined with what I see, hear in my world plus ... what I feel, see, hear about your world ... that's when a Gloria opinion is born.

Life is this way ... my opinion is ... stay open-minded, be willing to change accordingly. Don't become stuck in a rut ... rigid, unwilling to change even if you know you should. It's a good thing when you freshen up your way of thinking... see things in a new way. I think of it as more spices of Life.

Oh! That's just another Gloria opinion based on only what I think, feel. You will respect my opinion as I do yours. 

I'm not fighting you to make you believe what I think ... and I'm damn sure not fighting you to not believe what you think. I won't let you force your opinion on ME. I don't have to fight to prevent it ... I have a mind, too. I'll think as I feel.

Our time here on earth is just too valuable to be wasted fighting over opinions. I don't know about you ... I don't have time to do anything but, take care of my own life ... my own world than trying to get into your world, your life.

Hey! You think what you want and ... I will, too! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 

We are fortunate to have a beautiful mind we can use to think, feel ... whether we like it or not ... we all will form opinions.

Sometimes, we just might not like what the other thinks ... that's their right ... their world made them think like they do. My world makes ME think as I do.

It Isn't Much ... But, Over Time It Can Be Exactly What I Need!

 

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... I got my Gloria-kind of couch on 4-18-2024 ... perfect for Camie and I.

I'm very more than pleased with this smaller version of the big, sectional couches. I think someone designed this with Gloria in mind. 

The beautiful fabric, pillows, chaise lounge, couch all in one ... plus how well it is made ... I am tickled with my purchase.

I have saved for quite some time to get several things I really wished for. I saved coins, bills by putting them into sandwich bags, then put them in a drawer. 

I wouldn't look, nor count what I had saved because I didn't want to use the money until ... time to. I really did forget I had it!

Needless to say there were quite a few sandwich bags with coins, and a few dollars in each. 

I don't know why I chose to put my little monies in sandwich bags ... maybe because they would be too much trouble to open, take the money out to spend. 

Whatever ... my method worked! I have a nice recliner for Skip, and the perfect sofa for Camie and I to show for it! For some reason ... I never thought about the little sandwich bags with coins, and a few dollars in each. 

Try it, see if it works for you. I already have a little bag started with change from a twenty when I bought something at the store. It isn't much ... but, over time it can be exactly what I need!

Dear Gloria,

 

 

PHOTOS owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... ME

Dear Gloria,

I was thinking about you this morning.  Yes, you. I know I don't let you know that I do ... all the time.

I was thinking truly ... though you really are the most imperfect person I know ... you are perfect enough to be the person you are ... GLORIA.

You don't do anything to stand out ... you don't even wear makeup ... your jewelry, fancy clothes anymore. So, if you don't stand out to people ... how can anyone know who YOU are?

You've become just a nobody special. I have thought about this ... thought about the 'whys' you've changed through time.

Gloria, I see Life's Lessons ... Life's Storms, Battles ... have changed, shaped you, your way of thinking.

You've gone from being a very interesting person to know, who at one time commanded attention when walking into a room ... to someone who doesn't care whether you command attention or not. 

The one thing I like about you ... you do expect to be treated with respect just as you respect others ... even if they don't deserve it.

Oh, those were the wonderful,  breathless times you thrived on, loved. Men would love you, notice you, be attracted to you. Every head would turn to the beautiful young woman who was faking being ... perfect. They thought you were perfect never knowing you knew you weren't.

As time went by ... Life's battles, storms fought ... you slowly changed to a very dull, uninteresting person. You became caring, focused on others before you. You really saw people, cared with your Heart. 

The need to be beautiful... the need to impress, to be perfect somehow magically disappeared! How did that happen to a beautiful young lady who walked by every mirror smiling at herself ... so happy because ... she finally got her wish as a child ... to be as beautiful as her mother. Everyone said so, you knew it to be true.

Photos of ME ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates... when I was once ... beautiful ❤ 

Gloria, today ... you are YOU ... no faking to be perfect. Why?

I've watched you sincerely compliment other females on how pretty they are, what a pretty outfit, lovely hairdo. Do you know that's one of the hardest things for a woman to do? They don't like to compliment other women, especially if they seem to be a threat to the man in their life. The truth is the truth.

Through time I admired how you walked forward toward whatever threatened you ... meet it head on, hold your ground ... and if you were knocked down you got back up dusting your pants off. You did this even knowing you could be beaten up, you could lose a battle.

I have watched as your Grandma Alma's legacy to you ... her beautiful, wild fighting spirit emerge ...  in all its quiet, white-hot fury ... come out in you. 

You became a force to be reckoned with ... without anyone seeing it coming. You only began to smile, stay very quiet ... be YOU. 

What I admired is how you learned to choose your battles not wasting time fighting over nothing ... only for what you believe in.

You try to always handle things in a good way ... if that didn't work ... you tried to do it in the next best way ... if that didn't work ... all Hell broke loose. Life is that way sometimes but, you love quiet, peaceful, boring now.

I have watched you become emotional over people, animals being abused, killed, mistreated ... your Heart doesn't only cry for your own ... it's big enough to care, cry for others be it human, animal. You care for the world.

I've watched you silently say prayers for every animal you see lying on the road in death from a vehicle killing them. You cried silently as you prayed ... 'I pray you never felt any pain, death came quick. I'm so, so sorry.'

Today ... you are so far removed from the wild, free beautiful life that glittered, shined in all its glory you used to live. You shined in all your glory. Where did all of that so full of life, exciting Gloria go?

No one would believe now ... you are completely opposite now. Your life doesn't shine now unless you see sunshine glistening on your teardrops. Wow ... you don't stand out at all!

Your priorities have completely changed.. Now, you care for your husband ... your dog putting their needs before your own. They both need you ... you are always there for them. You have made them your very world.

Gloria,  you sure aren't perfect at all. You didn't turn out to be a bad person ... you chose good over bad when ... you could have went the opposite way. I'm proud of the most boring, dull person you have become. You are beautiful in a good, boring way.

I like you ... I love you ... you are the best person I know. No matter if you are only you ... you are a good you.

From yourself, Gloria

It Will Take Some Getting Used To ...

Today has been a getting-use to day for Skip. 

I have been saving for some time to get Skip a recliner, a big, soft one. 

Also, I have saved to get a small L-shape sectional couch. Not new ones, but, like new.

I have been seeing very nice chairs, couches at a low price on Marketplace. Wow ... you can find things like new there. I really am amazed.

I found Skip a recliner like new. We picked it up yesterday, brought it home. Our friend got someone to bring it inside for us.

I managed to get the chair Skip sat in ... outside, up onto the pickup. It was more awkward than heavy. I will take it to the landfill.

I have been taking my time today ... looking at the L-shaped couches people have to sell on Marketplace ... like new, very reasonable. 

Truthfully, it will be nice to have a couch again. I had kept only the loveseat but, over time I wished I'd kept the couch trying to down-size. Now, I want comfort.

Skip has had a time getting used to getting up out of his 'new' chair. Of course, it sits differently making it a little harder for him to get up.

He loves his chair, the soft comfort it offers his body. Skip hurts so much throughout his body, especially his knees. I am so happy I got the chair for him.

The gentleman I bought the chair from didn't want to take my money. I told him I couldn't not pay him. He reached out, took a twenty, told me he would take that ... for me to keep the remaining fifty-five dollars. 

I paid seventy-five dollars for a nice, beautiful chair for Skip.

It touched my Heart so much but, I couldn't walk away with that beautiful chair without paying him. I gave him the remaining money ... thanked him very much. He was so nice.

When we first got there he just felt comfortable talking with us. He'd been through a battle with cancer, surgery. I told him about Skip ... I told him that he and Skip had been through so much. 

He was like Skip and I ... he was a very caring person. He did what we've done in the past ... try to give rather than take money. 

Only, I couldn't take advantage.  I'd saved that money to pay ... and he might have needed it but, his Heart cared so much. I would have worried if I'd not paid him.

I've given many times when I needed ... my Heart would care so much. Caring was more important than the money though I needed it.

So ... now, I am looking for a nice, small L-shaped couch. I will be glad to finally have it ... my body has a lot of pain too. 😊🙃🙂🩷🩷 It will appreciate comfort. 

I always sit in my desk chair ... now, I'm ready to sit on a comfortable couch once I find it, get it home. 

I will probably have to get used to sitting comfortably, too. It will take some time getting used to a new place to sit 🩷🙂🙃😊🩷

Also, Miss Camie will snuggle up to me. I look forward to that!

Photo of 'new' chair for Skip. He really loves it.

My Fighting Spirit Is Coming Out To Play ... Free As Birds ... Our Wings Are Clipped

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... Skip and I ...

Monday ...  April 15, 2024 ... 7:53 am

I am sitting on the bed ... in a pool of sunshine. I was engrossed in reading something on my tablet that I wasn't paying attention to the sunshine ... It kept shining brighter until I realized ... hey, this is what I wait for each morning! I can't believe I was ignoring it.

Skip and Camie are sleeping up a storm. I heard Skip say he had a headache. He is still asleep ... I will be paying close attention. 

Same old, same old boring 😴... I know. In your life you are doing many happy things, life is full of excitement ... new places, new things, people. 

Our Life used to be full of all those things ... no more. Not since 2016 when all began to slow down until this very moment.

I smile as I say that because no one could love Life more than I ... do, go more than I only to come to almost a complete halt. I loved the excitement getting up each day traveling, seeing, doing ... each day I never knew what to expect. Very exciting! I embraced the unknown  ... now, I don't. 

Now ... each morning I wake up to my little world that has completely shrunk through time ... sleeping beside ME. My little sleeping world that consists of the most precious beings in my life, my Heart. Skip and Camie ❤❤❤ 

Now ... I can see my whole 🌎 world in one place ... right in front of ME.

Such a quiet, boring little 🌎 world where boredom is welcomed 24 hours a day. Who would have thought someone such as ME would ever say ... I pure love boredom nowadays. 🙃 Boring is ... wonderful! Good!

Sure, in my mind I wish we were flying free as birds again, traveling, going places ... and I really hope we can again. Nothing is impossible. Our wings have been clipped limiting us to only ... going so far.

Our Life has changed over from such happy excitement ☺ to complete ... happy 😴 boredom. As happy as can possibly be under the circumstances. Truthfully  ... not happy all the time. I would be lying like a dog if I said differently. 

We had everything ... we have nothing. We are have-beens to have-nothings. We were someone ... to no ones. We were beautiful to ... oh my ... how did we get this old? 🙂🙃🙂 

I am not going into getting older ... as I'm not accepting 'being old and acting that way'. That IS NOT ME. I am older, that's all 🙃🙂🙃💛💛 I will age on my terms 🙃 An older Gloria doesn't mean ... OLD. 😁

Am I sad ... ☹️ depressed? Sad, maybe for some of the things that used to be ... I got past my depression some time ago. 

Sad ... to watch a very strong person be reduced down to being very ill, weak, no longer able to fly free as he once did. Now ... each day instead of looking forward to all he used to ... his mind is on his age ... on dying. He thinks he doesn't have long to live. This is what saddens ME.

Sad ... our Camie is older ... lately I've realized it more than ever. I help both Camie and Skip now. I am their caregiver now.

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed 😔  The word caregiver ... is so easy to say. Being ... a caregiver is so hard, so much responsibility ... stressful. In my life, my mind ... I am both Camie, Skip's living guardian angel as well as caregiver. 

I am with them 24 hours a day ... I am constantly monitoring them, knowing how each one is feeling, doing. I am constantly in movement helping them, doing for them ... since it's warmer ... I am trying to make our little yard pretty, cheerful for them, us.

No, I don't stay overwhelmed, sad, down for long at a time ... no longer than it takes for me to process in my mind what's pulling ME down, and why, and what can I do about it. 

It's not my nature to walk slowly, moaning ... groaning 'woe is me', whining ... crying ... feeling sorry for myself. I'm just not going to waste my valuable time doing it. I am just NOT going to do it.

Sure, I cry my tears of pain, hurt, sadness ... but, I'm not weak though I may appear to be. At the same time I'm crying those tears ... I am mentally picking myself back up again to plant both feet back onto the ground. My fighting spirit is coming out to play.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, I get so tired, close to letting go, give up. I'm not perfect, you know. Try as I might ... this girl isn't ever going to be perfect. I know this for a fact. Remember my 3 years of trying to be years ago? I told you about it. I'll tell you again but, just not right now.

The good thing is I am ME ... once I've cried, raised some Hell ... the next thing I know is... I'm back in the race! I'm ready to do it all over again. That's my nature. 

I am more like my Grandma Alma who was paralyzed ... yet, she was the strongest woman I ever knew. As a little girl living with her and George ... life was pure Hell ... but, that's where I learned some of my most valuable Life's lessons ... from a paralyzed woman and a blind man. They were the strongest two people I've ever known.

Look back in your life ... you will see 'why?' things have happened throughout your life ... I can see the 'whys' now. It prepared ME all the way up to this very second ... made ME strong enough to survive all I've gone through, battles fought ... I am still here! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

We All Need To Have A Little Hell In Us ...

LOVE

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... Happy Day to You!! 💛💛💛

Yes, the sun is out this morning... I know because it is shining on ME! 🙃 This is my favorite time of the morning... though sometimes, I am tempted to just roll over, go back to sleep. I am always glad I didn't. 

I will sit here quietly writing, thinking while Skip and Camie sleep. I know they are okay because I am beside them.

I just turned my face to the sunshine, closed my eyes to enjoy it shining on my eyelids (🙂🙃🙂) ... I love doing that. I wish I could rest my head on my pillows and while my eyes are closed the sun would shine on them. There's a soft, not quite red color ... golden red ... I see behind my eyelids when the sun shines on my face. It's sort of magical!

Enough about sunshine ... 🌞 ☀️ I love it, it begins my morning making me smile, so ... I will always mention it ... and keep trying to put into words, describe how it affects ME. Does it matter? Probably not to anyone but, ME. That's okay ... we all hold things that are important to us but, not important to anyone else in this big, old world.

When I write  ... I write what's on my mind, what I think about ... real things a real person feels, thinks. When you read ME ... this is the way I am. Sometimes ... well probably most of the time I am boring. I say thank God for boredom in my life ... why?

Boredom means Skip, Camie and I are doing just fine, we are on an even keel. We have been through so many life-threatening medical situations to make us appreciate a ... boring life. It's wonderful. If I want excitement I will write it. 🙂 I want all to stay quiet, calm, not frightening. 

I saw something on the news that has given me thought, concern last night. A drone was shot down last night by our country. I won't get into any of that as I don't sit, discuss, argue the latest news. I will say it alarmed me ... I feel concern.

I remember growing up thinking even if some people are just plain mean ... they really aren't evil because ... how can people be truly evil? That's the very worst way to be, how can people live with themselves after committing atrocious acts upon another human being? 

Through all the years I have been on this earth I have learned that yes, there are way more evil people than even I can imagine ... who thrive on hurting, killing, maiming others ... they can smile, eat, enjoy life after doing the most hideous things. Wow ... wow ...wow.

I used to think only on movies do you see such evilness. Through times I have watched the many colors of ... people. They truly aren't all the way they appear. Once they step out of view, earshot of people they are fooling ... their real colors show. 

They drop the facade of pretending to be kind, good. That's a 'helluva' thing to witness when people you truly thought were so good ... all of a sudden for whatever reason decide to ... show you ... their real colors. 

That's an awful thing to witness ... what's worse is if someone walks up ... boom! The real colors disappear and the person you thought you knew ... is back and you are left wondering if you were imagining things. How in the world could you think that person was bad? 

As for myself I am always listening, seeing when I'm around people. I am constantly sensing if they are for real. I feel a great sadness when I realize that not everyone is like ME. I genuinely care, love people. I don't try to fool people, nor do I waste my time, energy trying to impress, make people think I like, love them when I don't. 

I do smile, show respect, get away from them as quickly as possible. I don't have time for insincerity,  false people ... my life to ME has value. I don't invite things into it to cause ME grief. 

There is a part of each person's life they have to hold sacred, letting nothing in but, the good in life. If you allow anything ... anyone into that space in your life ... you will live in only chaos, Hell. 

Learn to love yourself, like to be with yourself so, you can be alone ... then ... be very selective who gets near your precious, special space in your life. Kick their asses out once any false colors begin to show. Don't waste time, set them free to never come back. This is strictly my Gloria Way of thinking ... my Gloria opinion. 

You have your own way of thinking ... and believe it or not ... there are people who thrive on Hell, chaos ... I grew up in it ... watched, studied as a child ... I listened to plotting to hurt other people to destroy, teach their ass who to mess with. I won't keep going ... but, on a big scale in this world ... that's why there are wars ... that's where all the Hell raisers are. Sadly ... they inflict pain, grief ... awful things on the innocent ... on people who want to live opposite of raising Hell.

I will always ask myself this question/questions ... how did I not be exactly like that growing up? How in the world do I have a kind Heart ... how do I even love, care. How can I be a giver coming from selfishness? How can I care for anyone's needs but my own? The questions go on.

I can't really answer them ... too complex ... I would have to sit, think, to write to tell you. I don't have time this morning as I see Skip is awake.

Honestly ... the Hell is still inside ME ... I truly know how to raise Hell with the best only if ... I'm put in a situation to be bad, mean. I was steeped in Hell-raising as a child ... like a tea bag. I can't help but, know.

Honestly, I don't enjoy chaos, hell-raising. I choose calm, quiet in my life. I'm happiest when everyone is happy, okay. I want only good to happen ... I believe in good things no matter how bad the world can be. I try to make all good around ME. 

Yes, I still know how to raise Hell but, only if I am pushed very hard into it to protect, to survive. We all need to have at least that amount of Hell in us. Don't you agree? We take care of our loved ones be it human ... animals ... what we care most about. 

I will say good day, happy colors in your day. Skip, Camie are both awake ... time to focus on my world 🌎 I think it's going to be a beautiful day!