Thank God For A Helluva Fighting Spirit! My Grandma Alma's Legacy To Me

Thank God For A Helluva Fighting Spirit! Skip has had another stroke (we found this out from the neurologist when she called yesterday with the MRI results), he is already facing heart valve replacement/possible blockages surgery, he's not well at all ... Kissy isn't doing well either, his heart is enlarged and he can't walk as well ... last night Camie wasn't up to par. I don't even dare to mention my medical issues ... for now, they hold no light to what's happening right now in my life. I could sit back and think ... my whole world, my life ... has just gone to Hell. I could have a breakdown, finally cry my Heart out and never stop ... I could dig a hole in the sand, get in it. I could feel sorry for myself ... make others feel sorry for me. I could just wipe my hands and walk into oblivion ... never look back. Those who know ME ... know I'm NOT going to do any of those things. They know the fighting spirit I have inside ME ... guess what? It's just emerged strong, furious and ready to take on this battle this morning. My whole world has been threatened ... I'm nothing without Skip, Kissy and Camie ... I have no one else in my life left who cares, loves ME like they do. They are my purpose in Life to go on living. Without them ... that's it. I'm alone. Whether anyone sees it or not ... there's one Hell of a battle going on here at our place we call home ... it's a silent battle, but, a tough one I ... mean to win. Yes, I MEAN to win. I've been afraid too long ... now, that time has come ... I don't feel fear now ... I'm ready to do battle. I feel anger mixed with such Love ... I'm taking care of Skip Bates Skip, Kissy, Camie with my whole being. I'm just before crying because of the pain from loving with my very Heart to seeing my three babies not well at all ... well, that crying isn't weakness at all ... just the opposite ... that crying will just be one more log put on the fire to make it burn so big, bright ... fuel to the fire. So, if anyone so happens to see me cry, or cuss (I pray they don't, it's embarassing!) ... just know it's ... fuel to the fire ... it makes me stronger ... to where I can accomplish a miracle, I can get things done ... I can go on. Think of my Grandma Alma who was paralyzed and her fighting spirit ... it lives in ME now. She was the strongest woman I ever knew ... I hope I'm half the strong woman she was ... she was so fragile to be ... so strong. This morning as I cleaned up after my sweet Camie (our Pups never make messes, never) ... oh my, this feeling came over ME ... one of wanting to cry so much and ... of pure, white-hot anger. This was a moment I recognize ... one I welcome! My fighting spirit has just emerged and it's the strongest it's ever been ... my immediate precious little world is in trouble. Any one of them could ... die. That's how serious it is. I can't believe all at one time. Year 2020 ... the year of the COVID Pandemic ... millions have died all over our big world ... it never stops. This is the year of civil unrest, children not getting their proper education becauses of shut-down schools ... businesses closing forever ... everything one has known is failing. This is the year of ... 'first times' for so many things. This is the year ... in my own life that all of my loved ones aren't well at all for the ... first time ... all at one time. I'm not falling to the ground in a vapor to cry 'woe is me' ... I'm not asking ANYONE to feel sorry for ME ... my Life is going on and I don't need it to weaken ME. I do appreciate such caring, kind words though ... that I can understand, grow only stronger from. :) <3 :) <3 <3 Never-ever pity ME, that's for people who are so fragile, need it for-real ... pity in a good way, pity in a positive way. I will always write how I really feel ... it is 'how I roll' (those are Tommy's words! as they just came in my mind :) ... 'this is how I roll'. :) <3 Oh, how I miss my son with my very Heart. I don't have time to sit, feel sad now so, I put thoughts of my son aside. You will see me write a lot of times exactly my thoughts at the present moment ... those who have followed me for the past 10 years, those who follow now ... you know I write how I feel, view life ... I never ask for pity. I just simply write things ... just the way they are. I write ... my real life. This is the way Life is ... one either makes the choice to roll with the punches, get back up on those feet, plant them firmly on the ground ... meet Life head-on no matter how bad it hurts. That's ME ... though I do admit it's easier said than done ... and sometimes those punches hurt so bad it seems to 'take forever' to get back up. But ... get up I do. That's when my fighting spirit emerges with such wonderful power. I'm ready to do battle. Yes ... sometimes, I falter ... I fall back down while getting my feet ... have to get back up again and again. I ... just don't ... give up no matter how many times I fall down. Humpty Dumpty comes to my mind :) I have had to put the many pieces of ME back together again so many times. It's a wonder I find them all but, I manage to. :) <3 To you, it's a continuing story as I write my daily life ... while I live real life that continues each day. You just get to know what I am thinking ... through the years some people tell me it helps them in different ways to think about when they have their own problems. The special is when someone tells me reading my life for -real helps them in a good way. Some say it means a lot to know other people live through such things and make it ... like them. If my life helps someone at all ... I pray that it helps them ... especially young people ... to know to build up a family/friend support system for the rest of their life so they won't ever be alone. Hold that support system sacred in your Heart, keep it strong only with people who genuinely love, have your best interests at Heart. So ... you won't end up alone one day ... so you can know there are others in this world who really love ... you, care what happens to you. So ... if one day you know your time has come ... someone can be there, smile lovingly into your eyes, let you know they ... really care that you are leaving this life to go on another journey. So ... as you go you know you meant at least a little to someone. So ... you didn't live in vain ... your life had some merit. This morning didn't begin well at all ... Camie wasn't feeling well last night ... this morning I had to use the garden hose, Odor Ban, mop, broom to scrub 'everywhere outside on the patio ... she didn't make it to their bathroom area that I keep full of cedar chips, very clean. All is spic and span clean now. Our Pups2 are very clean, always go to their area to 'go' outside. All is good now ... Camie, Kissy, Skip are sleeping. I just turned around in my desk chair to look at each of them ... and I pray to God to help each one of them to get better. My Heart fills with such deep Love for each of them. They are so precious ... no ... most precious in my Heart. They are my Life. I talked to Skip this morning about over-feeding Camie, Kissy. I was wondering if that happened yesterday. He does that because he is so kind, loves them so much. I told him I understood that ... just to 'once in a while' do that. I'm hoping that's what made Camie sick last night. I asked Skip to only 'once in a while' feed any extra food to the Pups2 so this wouldn't happen again. This way when I do things I will have the strength to care for them ... not to do things that aren't necessary. The reason being is because I have my own medical issues ... I need to conserve my own physical strength to be rested enough to do, be there when needed for him, Pups2. He understood. I don't want to be broken down into a mean-ass, ill-ass, sniveling, bitchy-ass terrible old woman, too tired to lift a finger to take care of the ones I love most in this life being worn out. Pain, grief, fatigue can bring ugly things out of people ... if they don't recognize it ... prevent it. Especially when more pain, grief, fatigue adds to it over and over. I have to stay very strong now. I keep a clean house, take care of Skip Bates Skip, Pups2. Each night when I go to bed (well, I sleep sitting up at times on the loveseat ready to go in the direction I'm needed when Kissy sleeps in the living room) ... I want to feel good inside, know I did my very best for the ones who are depending on ME to be strong for them. Again ... does that make ME perfect? Does it make ME an angel? The answer is, 'NO'. I'm just a person who loves with her Heart. No more, no less ... just a woman who at this moment knows her whole world is threatened by medical crisies with her husband, and 2 Pups all at one time. Thank God and my Grandma Alma for my fighting spirit ... I'm needing it now. So, if you see me ever cry, cuss, angry ... don't take it for weakness ... don't think bad of ME because I am truly a good person ... just think of when you make a campfire in the winter time ... when you need more warmth, what do you do to make it hotter, warmer? Yes, you begin adding logs to the fire. You add ... more fuel to the fire. Think of my fighting spirit as ... the fuel for the campfire! Tears, cuss words, anger are my logs ... my fuel ... and it makes for one Helluva campfight. The brightest, the warmest ... the strongest that will last as long as it is needed. I can't be any other way. Photos ... Skip Bates Skip, on a day we picked up tacos at Taco Bell, went to our local park to enjoy being out in fresh air. Pups2. My whole world are in these photos ... Skip and our Pups2. <3 <3 <3

I Didn't Grow Up The Way I Did For Nothing... Hello, Fighting Spirit... I'm So Glad To See You!

Flower that my Creative Friend, Tori... gave me.  I believe in good things, love...

I Didn't Grow Up The Way I Did For Nothing...  Hello, Fighting Spirit... I'm So Glad To See You!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I received an email from someone I've known for years who knew me... knew I wasn't 'stupid', respected me... who asked me about ' my publishing process?', how she'd been reading about how some places will publish a book if you pay them?... such things.

It made me feel really awful ... because I read in her words (the way they were said, the little dots, question mark)... that I had to go pay someone to publish my book 'so it would be published... otherwise, she just knew it wasn't good enough'.  She also, left the impression 'in a nice way'... of how did 'you' get a book published...

She also, told me that she'd just gotten my book... and after she reads it... she would 'tell me what 'she'... thought of it'.  She had judged me... already... she hadn't read it.  Now... I have to say this to her in a nice way... it no longer matters what 'you' think.

I had to make some kind of peace inside so, I could go on writing, and have peace of mind in my every day private life.  I can't tell you how painful all of these things have been... two 'friends', and now... 'sort of a 'family' member.......  (it's always in 'threes').

I used to think each of them were special, just thinking of them would make me smile inside.  I thought they were exactly the way I saw them.

It's okay, I just needed to see 'you' now... it's okay if you hurt me.  It's not okay after this.  You did what you meant to do... it's done.

You all taught me a valuable lesson once again in life.  Who says you can't 'teach an old dog new tricks?'  These new tricks 'hurt'... so, I really learned from them.  Thank you, again.  There's nothing like pain... to help someone learn.  You did a good job.

Last night I wrote my story about thanking them for hurting me... I needed that.  It's just more fuel for the rest of my journey in life.

Maybe they thought I would stop, go run back into the 'dark place' I've fought so hard to get out of.  They forgot my 'fighting spirit'... I didn't grow up the way I did... for nothing.

I think my story says it 'all'.  Even if no one ever read my little book ... most definitely, it's not going to be the last (especially now)...  I am going to hold my ground.  I don't think I've done a bad thing at all.  Though... I know my story is a little scary... but, it was meant to be.  :)))

My goal is to get... 'I Cry For Tommy'... published.  I will have accomplished really what I set out to do... that is to never forget Tommy, my son... it doesn't matter about the other books.

I never claimed to be a writer... I just want to write.  I've been on my 'trial run'... now, I want my book about Tommy published... then, I'll enjoy writing my scary books, afterwards.  It'll entertain me, and hopefully someone would like them.  :)))  I love writing about ...Victoria Fairchild.

Betrayal does hurt... as one of my friends just told me. She's so right.  I thought I had distanced myself enough from people where I'd never have to experience that again... I just know to 'back up some more'.  :)))  Make my private life just a little more... private.

I understood your feelings (to my friend who wrote about betrayal) when being a child... I also, remember wondering 'how in the world 'old' people got that old, to see that they didn't like other people their age'... I thought they were 'old enough' to know better... and be 'perfect'... ha!

Now, at 'my age'... I am not liking three people today.  I should know better... God knows I'm old enough to know better.  :)))  I still don't... like them.  I'm just saying...

I didn't grow up in what I did for nothing... I didn't come through Hell for nothing.  I just forgot I had a fighting spirit during the past three years... it's been there all along... hey, I'm smiling now (like Victoria Fairchild)... my fighting spirit has just come out.  :)))

I'm one who cares... I really just care... I guess I've known so much real pain through time... it really taught me to ... just care.  I've let myself 'look bad' in order to make others look good.  I don't feel I have to have credit, or brownie points for anything I do.

I'm older now... that's not what life is all about... we get off on the 'wrong' roads when we are young.  God knows I did, so many times.  It's a wonder I ever got on the right road... but, something kept steering me toward it through the years.  Neither 'hell or high water' will push me off it now.

The whole world can keep on doing 'bad' things... I'm going to still believe there's good... somewhere.  I believe.

I feel such happiness inside when I see good things happen to people... I wish I could make many wonderful things happen to people who need something good in their lives.  I will whenever I can.... :)))

I am just thinking as I write here... my thoughts became a lot of words typed here.  I thought of deleting them all, but... I won't.

I will say this... once I wrote my story last night for my blog... (Thank You For Hurting Me... You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone)... I've been at peace inside for the first time in a week.

I can't tell you the mental anguish I have suffered.  It always hurts when you find out people aren't who you thought they were.  It always hurts when you reach out to share a little happiness with a 'friend'... and by their words, actions... they reject, hurt you.

You never forget them for doing that.  You never look at them the same ever again.  You always associate 'pain' with them in the future... they hurt you deeply.  Being friends shouldn't hurt like that.

I did what I learned to do many years ago... when someone isn't a positive presence in your life... it's time to 'weed the garden'.  You have to remove the ones that causes grief, negativity... the ones who sit there pretending to be a flower until the day you discover they've never been more than .... a weed.

I just pulled the weeds from this garden... I didn't just toss them out like I thought about doing... mentally, I walked to the edge of my 'garden'... laid them gently to the side.  I don't wish mean things for those 'weeds'.

I can focus on what I'm trying to accomplish now, with an eased mind.  Everyone knows now, where I stand.  Skip was seeing me becoming increasingly unhappy when I should have been happy... now, he's going to see that again.  I have tended my garden...

If I've lost friends, readers, family... then, I feel you didn't really like me in the first place.  Maybe it's time for the ones who are like the 'friends' I just took out of my life... to move on.  I wish you good things in life, and that all will be as you wish it to be.  I'm not letting you affect my everyday world in my private life ...again.

I just hope that all the real people I've met, still meeting... will stay here.  I need you all, you have made the difference in my life.  I treasure you all.  

So many of you have always been 'there' since the death of my son.  How can I not love, care about you?  You have shown me through time... love, caring.  It doesn't matter that I don't know you personally in 'real' life.  Our actions, words are what matters.

I just thought of something... the three people who hurt me during this past week... were 'never there' through all this time, grief, since my son died.  I didn't realize it until this minute.  These people knew me in 'real' life... they never came to me, nor communicated with me all this time.  Just in the last week, they have 'appeared'...

I am so amazed at this discovery in my mind.  These people knew me as a person, they fooled me 'good'... I thought they loved, cared about me... just as I did about them.  I thought so highly of them.  Why I respected them.

I treasure the ones who have just hurt me... because they 'woke me up'... they made me only more stronger.  They put more fuel in my life to add to the drive I already have inside me.  I am older, I still have a life to live... I'm not dead, yet.  They only made me feel more 'alive'... they revived my 'fighting spirit'!

Hello, 'fighting spirit'... I haven't seen you in a long time!  You've been hidden under so much pain, grief.  Come here... let me dust you off... looks like I needed you!

What did you say?  Why, 'fighting spirit', I am so glad to see you.  I know you'll stick with me through thick or thin (my book is too thin! :)))  I didn't know I would need you again in my life... but, I see that I always will.

I guess I must have needed more determination, something to pull more 'fighting spirit' out of me.  It did the trick!  Thank you to the ones who made me feel pain... I will always remember you, too.  There's a reason for everything.

I didn't grow up the way I did for nothing, walk through Hell... for nothing! :)))   Hello, Fighting Spirit, welcome!  I haven't seen you in a long time!