I Won't Be Slipping Into The Dark Pool Of Grief ... Tonight

I Won't Be Slipping Into The Dark Pool Of Grief ... Tonight
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo Credit:  Owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... taken of book I wrote when in the deepest throes ... of grief.  I can bearly remember writing ... my son, grandson ... Tommy and Taban.


I've had Tommy on my mind a lot, lately.  Tommy is my son ... he died on May 29, 2010.

Most people who know me, know I was close to my son.  He meant the world to me.  He was an only child.

I vowed when he died ... I'd never let him be forgotten.  I'm keeping that promise.  He was such a very real, wonderful person.  No, he wasn't perfect ... no one is.  He was wonderful, nevertheless.

I think of him constantly ... though, only on a level that won't upset me.  I don't think 'too deeply' ... I can't bear the grief that lies there like a dark, scary pool of water.  I try to be careful walking near it ... I don't want to slide into it.

I can't put into words, no matter how hard I try ... what grief feels like.  You would have to lose your child ... to know what this grief feels like.  I would never wish that for you ... never.  You know how it is at this very moment if you 'think of such' ... it's an awful thought; you can't bear to think of losing your child.  Your mind jumps off that thought like sitting on a ... hot fire!

When I write about Tommy ... that's what my blogs, my writing is usually about.  About the grief of a mother who has lost her only child.  The good thing is ... when you get tired of reading about it, you can leave, go somewhere else to read.  You can read what is on someone else's mind.  You can get to 'feel' what different things are like, without having to experience them yourselves, unless...

Unless ... you are a grieving person; someone who knows what it feels like to lose someone in your life.  I know what it feels like to lose almost everyone in my world that I truly loved.  I don't have but, a handful of relatives left.  I love them all from afar.

My whole world consists of Skip, my husband ... and our three Pups.  They ... are my world.  They are most important to me.  Tommy was a part of my whole world.  He is missed so much.  He meant the world to both, Skip and I.

Somehow, I've managed to find the strength to not slip into the dark pool of grief I spoke of earlier.  I think a little puppy named Camie is responsible for that.  I rescued her on July 4, 2013 ... she was almost dead, when I lifted her off the ground.  My attention went to her, I focused on her.  I meant for her to live ... and if she didn't, I meant for her not to ... die alone.  We saved ... each other.

Camie is an important part of my world.  She has survived the worst case of demodectic mange our vet's ever seen.  Sure, she still gets sick ...  all her friends contribute to her medical care ... she gets well once again.  Most likely her whole life it will be like that.  One thing for certain ... she is cared about by so many.  She has the most loving family around her ... us ... her friends.

Tonight ... I'm remembering Tommy, thinking of Camie ... and my whole world ... these are the thoughts on my mind.  I won't be slipping into the dark water of grief ... tonight.

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In My Memories, My Words...

In My Memories, My Words...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

If it seems I live in the past ... I don't
I go back to visit to find things to write about
Sometimes, I have to sit a while... to feel those things
That have happened to me... to remember

Don't feel bad for me... don't feel sad
Because, I am here now... I made it through
Like a ship in a storm... I survived
I'm here, you can see, hear me... I'm alright

I write about the death of my only child
My only child, my son ... Tommy
Why do I do that?  I can't just pretend he was never here
He was a real person just like you... just like me

I know, I knew him... he was my baby, my little boy
Who grew to be a man... I talked to him, I cried for him
When things hurt, upset him... I was there for him
I miss him, don't you see?  I want to talk about him

When I speak of my son, I don't do it aloud
I write about him here... you choose to read or... not read
There's no excuse to say I wish you wouldn't write about him
I wish you wouldn't cry, I wish you'd forget him

Why?  Because you can go on your way, enjoy your children
I can only find my child now... in my memory, my words
This is all I have now... excepting a little chest with a few of his things
I don't even have the liberty of knowing his two children

You can read, feel my pain... only if you choose to do so
Just remember... everything's alright with me
I'm just trying to feel my son through my words
Why?  To comfort my soul, soothe my heart's pain

Where else can I find Tommy, I ask you
Only in my memories, my mind
You can't hear, see him like I can
I don't talk about him... I can only write... I can only find my child now, in my memory, my words

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Up On Fairchild's Mountain...

Up On Fairchild's Mountain...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo of my son, Tommy... and myself... taken at Lake Royale, when we lived there...
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.... Note:  this photo survived a house fire.



Up on the hill like a mountaintop
Lies several graves that are long forgotten
Never important to anyone but, us

Each grave was dug by hand
Grief in our hearts, tears overflowing from our eyes
We placed rocks over each, to protect from wild animals

Each spring, yellow buttercups bloom
Golden sunshine glows through the branches
Of the trees... making it a magical place to visit

Sometimes, we walked there to stand in silence
In silence... to remember each pet we buried there
Not only pets, a possum was buried there, too

A little white possum we fed every night
We found it one day down on the road
A car had taken its life away, caused grief in our hearts

We bought the little possum's body back up on the mountain
Dug a small grave, laid the possum gently in it
Stood there, feeling grief for it... quietly covered it up with dirt

We placed rocks upon its grave, just as we did our two dogs
Two dogs whom had grown to a golden, old age
Every year they lived, made our lives very happy

We'd leave, come home to our Pups, tails wagging
Walk through the gate, they'd come running
To greet, love us... glad we were home

Now, we have three other Pups who have taken their places
Pups we love with our very hearts, Pups who are dear to us
Life is long enough to know love, too short when we lose it

We don't live there anymore, all has become more memories
Precious memories of days gone by up on that mountaintop
The mountaintop we named Fairchild's Mountain

Fairchild was a big, shiny black dog
He was our Rottie... he died with cancer three months after Tommy
Grief, more grief... pain you can never imagine

The evening before Tommy died, he was at Fairchild's mountain
Walking all around, power-washing the house, cars
Sitting, talking, laughing with us... eating at the picnic table

A smile as bright as the sunshine
Eyes sparkling, full of love as he ate his sandwiches
Mama, these are the best sandwiches I've ever eaten!

My last memory of my son when he was alive
Driving down the driveway by the house, a smile on his face
Tooting the horn, waving his hand.... bye, mama! I love you!

On that mountaintop was the last time I got to hug my son
See his smile, hear his voice... see him walk
The next time I saw him... he was in that box I tried not to see

Fairchild's mountain, full of memories, one big memory in my mind
Where I used to walk every place Tommy went that evening
Trying to see him, hear him in my mind... trying to find Tommy

Knowing I wouldn't... knowing he was gone forever
Tommy was gone forever to never come back
My last memories of him are up on Fairchild's mountain

I never wanted to leave there, but... we had to
The owners needed to sell... we didn't have the money to buy
Now... someone else lives with memories unaware they are there

My last memories of my son, our pets I didn't want to leave
I can't go back now... it's not our home any longer
It's not our home now... it's no longer Fairchild's mountain

The Happy Smile She Would Wear ... When Needed

The Happy Smile She Would Wear ... When Needed
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Tommy and Taban ... my only son, my only grandson...

She took the mask off her sad face
Alone in her home, sitting in front of the mirror
Now, the smile lay on her dressing table ... instead of her face

She took the gold hoops out of her ears... six, in all
Unclasped the golden chain that held a special nugget
A big, gold nugget her son wore until the moment ... he died

She wore the gold nugget as a young girl in high school
Melted it down as a young woman to wear around her neck
Gave it to her only child when he was a young man

He wore it proudly, knowing it was his mother's class ring
Melted down by the jeweler to be worn on a gold chain
It was taken from his neck shortly after he went to Heaven

His mother treasures her gold nugget as she never did before
She touches it time to time... trying to feel her son
Trying to somehow, feel his last moments

Try as did... she never could... she couldn't feel anything
She would catch herself patting it gently... as if to comfort

To comfort herself... somehow, comfort her son when he died
Isn't it strange how we do things when we lose the ones we love?

One day this mother's gold nugget will be given to her grandson
When she's gone, for him to remember his father; father's mother

Maybe one day when he is a young man just like his father was
His Granny Gee will put the gold chain with the nugget on his neck

On his neck to wear with pride, to wear with such love
To know that his Granny Gee, his father wore it through time

His Granny Gee got it in 1968, gave it to his father in the late 80's
He wore it until the evening of May 29, 2010 when he went away

Went away forever... on that evening by the sea
On the warm sand, where his body was lowered by the angels

Lowered gently by their hands, their wings beating softly
All the while the sea gulls sung, 'Come home, Tommy, come home'

Tommy traveled that day to Myrtle Beach to play with his little son
By the ocean ... he barely made it in time... soon, he left once again

On an unexpected journey no one knew about, not even him
He didn't have time to say goodbye... he looked out to the sea

Heard the waves washing ashore, the sea gulls sing
The rustle of the angels' wings... felt the breeze on his face

He must have heard his little son say 'come play with me, daddy'
Maybe tears filled his eyes, he couldn't say anything

He may have stayed just long enough for the group of people
The people who came to his side, who protected his little son

Protected him, until his mama came... they must have been angels
They were the only ones there at that time, that place

One picked up the cellphone Tommy dropped, rang the last number
The last number dialed... to a home two hundred miles away

Hello!  They heard a happy voice say, when she answered the phone
'Ma'am, I have a man collapsed on the sand, he's not breathing'...

They never knew at that moment... she died, too
For this was how she learned of the death of her only child, her son

She sat at her dressing table, her lips in a sad smile
Her eyes looked in the mirror at her reflection

Tears filled her eyes, she wanted to cry
No matter how happy she was .... she was sad

No matter how sad she was ... it didn't change anything
To this day... she still couldn't believe that her son is really ... gone

She closed her eyes as she sat there ... traveled to the ocean in her mind
Her head rested on the back of the chair as she fell asleep, listening to the song of the seagulls as they ... sang

She awoke to a soft whiteness around her... where was she?
Someone came toward her... his smile like the sunshine

His hair shone like gold... his eyes were blue as the sky
Tommy!  Tommy!  She cried

As he hugged her, told her he loved her... she felt a bump
On her knee ... she opened her eyes to see three Pups

One standing by her knee, one laying on her foot
The other had just jumped up to kiss her on her face

She smiled her sad smile as she looked at the happy smile
Laying on her dressing table... the one she would wear when needed

The happy smile, the happy smile
She would wear... the one she would wear when needed

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I Only Have My Grief... To Compare My Grief To...

I Only Have My Grief... To Compare My Grief To...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Every time I begin to write today... it seems my words begin to talk about ... Tommy.  I wonder 'why'?  He would have been 43 years old on November 20th... and this is the third Thanksgiving he isn't ... here.

I know I'm thinking about him... though, my mind is thinking about other things.  I'm glad I'm not crying.  Do you know ...I miss my son.  I miss him with my very heart.

I don't worry that you will tire of me writing about him, when this happens.  You have the choice to go on to the next blog... post.  This happens ever so often.  I write grief, pain... it's what I know best.  Then, I write my colors/my life... my thoughts.

I was thinking today of how Tommy died... I wondered if his eyes were opened long enough to look up at the beautiful, blue sky... see the white sea gulls flying over him.  I keep imagining the sea gulls singing to him... 'Tommy, come home... it's time to come home'.

I pray that he didn't feel any pain in his chest... nor feel pain as his body collapsed on the sand.  I pray that invisible angel's hands guided him gently as he fell.

Did his ears hear the waves as they washed ashore close by where he lay?  My son died a beautiful death... people say this to me.  I can 'see' that they are right.  Everyone would want to 'go' that way.  My mind worries for any pain he might have felt... he had two blockages to his heart.  The autopsy showed this... I wonder... is it possible he didn't feel pain?

Imagine the music that the ocean, and sea gulls make as the sounds blend together... soothing, soft... hauntingly beautiful.  Doesn't it touch your heart?  I think Tommy heard this special music as his soul ... soared to Heaven.  Soared to the sea gulls singing, 'Come home, Tommy... come home'.

For the moment... I've went to the place where I don't usually allow my mind to go... to 'that moment when my son lay on that sand'.  To the moment... he... died.  I feel I want to cry... but, I know I won't for now.  I don't know 'why' I won't... I just 'know'.

I can see in my mind's eye... my little 3 year old grandson squatting down to his daddy's level... asking him to come play with him.  He probably put his little hand on his daddy's shoulder, to shake him to wake up.  Tommy was always playing with him... pretending to be asleep, and such... then, surprise his little son with a big grin, and a roar!  He didn't ... that time.

Thank-God for the little group of people close by... they were the only people around.  They came to Tommy, and Taban... watched over Taban until he was safely with his mother.  His mother didn't know where Tommy and their little son... disappeared to.  She, her family were putting luggage up in the hotel room.

I wonder when Tommy grabbed Taban by his little hand... did he feel an urgency to get to the ocean, to play with his little son as he wished to do... as quickly as he could?

He barely made it in time to play for a short time... he left on a journey that was unexpected... one he can't come back from.

The grief... in my grief, I would almost feel he was going to walk up any moment... appear from around the corner.  It felt like 'almost' anytime, I was going to see my child.  It was like when I was diagnosed with cancer... in that shock... I kept feeling somehow, I could step back 'through a door'... and everything would... be back the way it was.  Everything would be alright.

Some day I will sit, and try to explain that more... it's a very interesting way of thinking.  I've never heard anyone describe 'real grief'... I've never had opportunity to be around anyone who has grieved like I have.  I understand... no one's been around me to see me ... grieve ... like I have.  It's a very private thing.

When someone you love, dies... somehow, in the shock... it feels like you can 'shift the time' just a little... and it's like 'they can come back'.  It doesn't make sense... I just tried to 'go back' for a moment to 'feel', so... I could describe it. It sounds strange... maybe sometime, I will examine it more in my mind... and write it, to tell you.

In my mind, I used to wish I could reach out... part the air like opening a curtain... see the steps to Heaven... go up them quietly to the top so, I could peep... hopefully, to see the angels walking by... see Tommy.  I would have softly called, "Tommy"!  Then, watched for his sunshine smile!

We all wish... we all think... don't think... feel, cry... sob, weep when we grieve.  Sometimes, we do nothing...  I grieve quietly, privately... the only way to know I'm grieving is to see it in my writing.  I don't talk about it.  Only at a rare moment will Skip see me grieving... I don't want to upset, worry him.  If I'm not alright... he can't rest.  So, I write the pain...

When you look at me... you'll see my smile, and know everything's alright.  Because... really, I am.  I don't know how others grieve, I know how I do.  I only have my grief... to compare my grief to.

 

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I Did As I Promised... I Just... Wrote The Pain

I Did As I Promised... I Just ... Wrote The Pain
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My beautiful, handsome son.  Tommy Mitchell Sidden... Born 11-20-1969... Died 5-29-2010...............
Tommy died unexpectedly ... no one knew he was sick.  He died of two blockages in his heart... he made it to Myrtle Beach, S.C. just in time to play with his 3 year old son... he left on another journey... he's gone forever now.



Thanksgiving has come... gone.  Only leftovers are left in the refrigerator to show for it.  Turkey, dressing to make sandwiches with... later.

Our Thanksgiving was a very quiet one, once again.  We were missing someone very loved, dear to us.  This is the third year we didn't have Tommy here.  I did good... Thanksgiving Day.  Today is... day after.

I kept thinking of Tommy... feeling those little waves of panic in my stomach.  They kept threatening to turn into huge waves of pain; waves to toss me around in... twisting, turning me this way, that way.

Skip, our Pups... were my lifesaver... I focused on them hard, I held on tightly for dear life.  I didn't want to drown in that sea of grief... I've been there too many times.  It's a wonder I haven't drowned long ago... but, I made it to 'now'...

Have you ever felt waves of panic... the feeling you are going to lose control?  Want to just melt down to the floor... cry, cry... cry?  Just let go, weep until you fall asleep?

Panic... scared of the darkness that threatens to consume you... because it hurts so bad being there.  You might not come back... if you get lost.  I've been there too many times... I try so hard not to go back again.  I can't bear the pain... oh God... I can't bear the pain.

Look at your son... your baby son... your adult son.  Look at your only child... think, try to imagine them gone, never to come back.

Did you feel breathless with fear... afraid something could happen to him?  Can you even go so far as to imagine... oh, my God... he were to die?  Die unexpectedly... when you never had any idea he was sick... he was going to die?  Can you imagine?  Can you?

Now... you can smile, be thankful that your son is still here.  You can reach out to hug him, say I love you.  Some of you may feel smug because your son is still here... mine isn't.  Just remember... it can happen without notice... you could get the call I did... "madam, I have a man collapsed here on the sand, he isn't breathing!"

I pray that you never do...  My fear now, is gone... my son died... he can't die ... again.  I fear the grief, pain of grieving when it strikes me like lightening from the sky... out of the blue... no warning, no clue.

Just like this very moment... my stomach feels sick... the 'birds are fluttering again, hitting against the bars of the birdcage... trying to escape.  They are trapped... if only they could be ... set free.

I take deep, quiet breaths to calm them down... I close my eyes.  Oh, my head, my head... I press it down into the palms of my hands as I sit here at my desk.  I press my palms against my eyes... hard.  Breathing in, breathing out... I need relief from such a feeling.

I don't want to go into another grieving period... too hard to come back.  I've done well... still doing well... until this very moment.  It drives me... to write the pain.

Write the pain... make it go away... I promised to write the pain... when grief struck.  It's struck now... and I'm trying to get back up.... slap the dust off my pants... stand firmly on my ground.

My breathing's become freer now... I can take a deep breath once again... instead of it becoming stuck in my throat.  I'm going to be alright now... I can feel it ... I'm going to be alright!  Oh, how good it feels to breathe the air... in, out, in... out. I hold my head back, with my eyes closed... my chest rises up, down... I can breathe again!

I made it through once again... I wrote the pain... I made it go away.  I met the huge wave head on... the one that threatened to wash me away... it's gone now.  I'm going to be alright.

I promised to share my grief with you... so, you can see, feel what it's like... without losing your child.  Now... you can quietly go your way... knowing all is alright in your world... go hug your son... your only child.

Don't worry about me... I'm just words to you, a story/post for a blog... I just remind you... how it'd feel if... you ... lost your son, your only child.  You still have your son... to tell him you love him.  You can still hug him... he's still here.  Look at him with your mother's eyes... let a gentle smile come on your face... be so thankful as I used to be... to have such a wonderful son.

I did as I promised... I just... wrote the pain.

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This Grieving Mother... It's Been Three Years Now

My son, Tommy.  He died May 29, 2010... Memorial Day Weekend



This Grieving Mother... It's Been Three Years Now
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



This is 'the' weekend...

The weekend... Memorial Day holiday weekend... 'the weekend Tommy died'...

May 29th,2010... three years ago was on a Saturday... the day Tommy died.  Tommy died on a Saturday evening... Memorial Day holiday weekend.  No one knew he had two blockages in his heart... he was only 40 years old.

He died at Myrtle Beach; he was running, playing with his three year old son on the sand.  They were laughing, squealing... happy sounds blended with the songs of the seagulls flying overhead.

Tommy was sending me photos, video over his cellphone to my computer.  His finger slipped off the key... Tommy collapsed onto the sand he played on with his little son.

Strangers were watching them play, laugh.  They thought it beautiful to see the big guy run, play with the little guy.  They were distracted for several moments; turned back to see the big guy collapsed on the sand.  They ran to help...

One of them picked Tommy's cellphone up from the sand, pressed the call button.  The phone rang two hundred miles away... a happy, relieved mother answered the house phone.  She was smiling...

Smiling, because less than an hour before... her son had called her to say they had made it through the holiday traffic safely to their destination.  His mother had been saying prayers for him and his family's safety.

She looked down at the caller ID, saw his cellphone number, his name.  She happily answered the phone; he said he'd call her back in a little while...

The mother waited to hear her son's happy voice... became confused when another male voice spoke.  She held the phone out to look at the caller ID again... yes, it was Tommy's phone.

She heard the man say something that couldn't possibly be; she asked him why did he have her son's cellphone?  The man wanted to tell her something... she didn't realize it, but... her smile slipped away.

What did you say, she asked.  She could hear... but, couldn't understand.  Why do you have my son's cellphone, she asked.  She made herself be quiet, listen...

"Ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand!  He isn't breathing!"  The mother began to understand what was being said to her... though, she still 'didn't understand'...

She asked the stranger if there was a little three-year old, blonde-headed boy with the man collapsed on the ground?  "Yes, he is here".

There was no doubt this was her son who had collapsed onto the sand... Oh, my God!  He isn't breathing!  He isn't breathing!

"Skip! Skip, please help me!  Help me, Skip!"  As Skip took the phone from this mother's hands... I began going into darkness; shock.

Tommy!  Tommy!  Tommy!  You said you were going to call me back!  Tommy!  Tommy!  Help me, oh God... please help me!  Please don't let Tommy be dead.  Oh, my God, he said Tommy isn't breathing!

Soon after that phone call, I begged Skip to help me, to please take me to the hospital, let them drug me.  I can not cope with this!  I'm not supposed to hear that my son has died... is this how it feels?  Is it a dream; can it possibly be true?

For the first time in my life ... I begged for drugs to numb me, to put me into another place so, I wouldn't think, know anything.

This was someone who never wanted to be addicted to drugs.  This was someone who never knew she'd know in her lifetime that her child... her only child... had died.  Parents don't outlive their children...

I lived my life in darkness, in and out... for the following two years.  I just couldn't bear to know my son had died.  The panic attacks, the knowledge that I wouldn't hear Tommy's voice again.  I wouldn't hear his laugh again.

I wouldn't see him walk, move around; see his sunshine smile, the twinkle in his blue eyes ever again.  I couldn't live with that knowledge.  Tommy was a most important part of my very world.  I can barely stand to think 'beneath the surface' about him being gone.

I find myself crying... something I haven't done for a time now.  I've been keeping a thick, mental blanket over my grief.  I knew it would hurt too bad to let it slip off... slip off, it has.  It hurts so bad.

Today, someone mentioned to me about Tommy 'going to a better place; he's better off now'...  I politely smiled at the woman... and wished her to go to 'hell'.  Tommy's not in a better place, and he certainly isn't better off now.  Who 'was she' to tell me that?

I know I sound ugly saying that... but, it's ugly for someone to tell a grieving mother such a thing.  That's an awful thing to come out of someone's mouth... have they heard that so much, that they don't 'know how they sound' when saying those words?  Let their child die, and see how it feels when someone dares say that to them.

Hey, sweetie, you know your child is in a better place... and he's better off ... there!  It's good that your child is dead; that's where he needs to be!  You may as well say that ... if you dare to say such a thing to a grieving mother.  It's a good thing that I am a quiet, private, grieving mother... that woman might be bald-headed tonight, with a bad headache.

I say to those people who think such... Tommy wanted to live just as much as you do... he wanted to be better off here in this world... just like you do.  If you want to die so much to get to your heaven... die, go on there.  You talk about it... you can't wait to get there.

Tommy wasn't ready to go... yet.  Even I am not ready to go... yet.  I'm not in a hurry.  If you are... shut up telling everyone else it's a better place to go, and you can't wait to get there... just you go on.  I hope you have a good life... excuse me, a 'good death'.

You, who read my words, will always think before you say that again... you'll realize just what you are saying... and know... it's not true.  It's not true, at all.

You are telling that mother she ought to be glad her child is dead... that her heart should fill with instant happiness because he is 'somewhere' wonderful, happy.  It's isn't so.

Just remember the things you say to others... 'when and if such happens to you' (and they will; it's only a matter of time)... that mother is going to be watching 'you'... to see if you still feel the same way.

I have several people I will pay close attention to... I don't know if I could even say such a thing to them 'just for payback'.  I have too much compassion for people; even for people I don't like, nor have any use for.

This is one such thing that contributes to the anger that builds up inside a grieving mother... this grieving mother.  The dumb things that people let come from their mouths.

I bite my tongue, look at 'who' says such.  I remember them.  I know things have a way of coming back to bite one in the ass... be careful what you say... you might get to see how it feels.  Through time, I have learned... I've been bitten a lot, so... I know.

I believe in God; I believe in the wonderful 'thereafter'... I honestly don't think anyone is most eager to leave here, to go there... that quickly.  We all have loved ones we don't want to leave any sooner than we have to... they don't want to leave us any sooner than they have to.

Look at your little child.... your adult child... can you possibly say to them that you'll be glad for them to go on and be in that better place right now?  Do you want to 'let go of them right now'?  Think about it.  Do you want little Johnny to die 'now'... or little Susie to 'go to a better place than here where you are'... right now?

Three years later... I still feel such deep pain, grief.  I still cry, though not in front of others.  My grief is mine; it's private.  You never have to worry about me breaking down in front of you, making you feel uncomfortable.  I will do it ... alone.  I will write about it... here.

You can come here to find out what goes on in this grieving mother's mind; her thoughts... as time go by.  Read quietly, leave quietly... you don't have to feel uncomfortable.  See how it feels, read the real thoughts, feelings of a grieving mother.  I don't sugar-coat it... I tell you exactly how I feel.

This weekend, I feel deep sadness... and after the woman told me that my child was in 'a better place'... I felt deep anger.  I feel anger that Tommy's gone, I feel such pain that it takes all my strength to hold it up on my shoulders... I will carry this for the rest of my life.  No one can help me with this burden... no one.  I have to carry it all by myself.

I want to cry, go to the bedroom... pull the curtains, make it dark.  I want to hide myself from everything... my head hurts from the thoughts inside... I can't bear it.

But, this grieving mother won't do any of that.  I won't even say anything mean to someone if they say something dumb to me about Tommy being in a 'better place'.  I'll just pretend not to notice... I'll carry my own burden of grief in silence... no one will even know.  To know about it... one would have to know to 'come here, read here', about it.

I'll leave quietly myself, now.  I just told you truthfully how this grieving mother felt/feels this weekend.  When you come here, read quietly; leave... I hope you have all your loved ones around you; I hope you aren't missing someone special; I pray that no one close to you has died.

It's the worst feeling in the world... more pain than one could possibly imagine... especially when it's your child.  If your child has died, just know that this grieving mother knows what you go through; know that she cares with her very heart.  Love, Granny Gee

I Cry Because It's So Sad...

Tommy and Taban at a lake on May 29, 2009... one year later Tommy and Taban were at the ocean on May 29, 2010... Tommy collapsed, died from 2 blockages in his heart......



I Cry Because It's Just So Sad...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This has been an emotional weekend for me.  I've been working on my 'I CRY FOR TOMMY' book for quite some time.  I shortened it down to 1,066 pages... then, to 738 pages.

Since finishing the book, submitting it once again, then getting the email saying 'Congratulations, your book has been published'... I have found myself in tears ... a lot.  This was 'the' one book I wanted published most.

Every word in this book is a part of 'me'. I wrote from my very heart the grief, pain from the depths of my soul.  When someone holds it in their hands, they will hold my grief, my pain ... in the form of a book.

A lot of you may recognize some of my poems, stories.  Do you know the strange thing?  Through time, I have been going through all I wrote, do you know I couldn't remember so much that I wrote?  I know I wrote it, it was all about my son.  The words were from a grieving mother... 'me'.  The words were my words.

I didn't have anyone to talk to, I tried not to burden Skip with all the pain I have carried in my heart.  I would come to my computer, sit, write my pain trying to write it out, I had no other outlet.  I don't talk to people about something so private... though I could write my words here to you.

I didn't want to take medicine to stay drugged so, I wouldn't be able to think.  I did take powerful medicine (I still can't remember the name of it) for a time after Tommy first died... I can't remember 'then', though in a way I can.  Darkness, pain, crying, panic....

Medicine only numbs pain, 'hides' one in it's soft cocoon so, one doesn't have to feel fully the horrible pain of losing a loved one, a child, one's only child.  The end... no child anymore.

The child you wanted to have your personal belongings, your photos, your everything to.  There's no one to 'carry on' for you anymore, to carry your 'family branch'.

There's no one to be there when you become older, need your children to watch out, look over you wherever you are.  No son who loves you, cares for you... now, he's gone forever.

When one stops that powerful medicine... they begin to 'wake up', begin to feel that horrible pain, begin to feel it all the way to their soul, begin the grieving process that was prolonged for so long.

After I read the 'Congratulations' email, I began to feel as if I had come out of a tunnel, out of Hell.  I began taking a lot of deep breaths... God, I could finally take deep breaths again.

Getting my book ready has taken so long... now, I can 'let it go'... I'm so happy that I can let it go.  Such a load has been taken off my shoulders, I know I don't have to worry anymore, Tommy's not going to be forgotten.

I feel every person who has lived, died... should be remembered.  It hurts me thinking about each person I loved, who have died.  They don't have a book to remember them by... eventually, through time so many things will be forgotten, no one will have an idea of the kind of person they were when living.

Don't you think it so sad that to 'go to all that trouble of living', we are forgotten after we die?  We all had, have a purpose to be here.

I had opportunity to talk for a short time with my precious little grandson last night.  His mommy told me something he said... it hurt my heart so much, it makes me cry.  How sad, how so very sad.

He has been very upset because lately, he 'can't see his daddy' in his mind to remember what he looked like, anymore.  I think he cried because he doesn't want to forget anything about his daddy.

I could hear him in the background as we talked.  It touched my heart to hear her tell him, 'that's why we have pictures, so we can look at them, so we will never forget'.  To listen to her tell him in her ' mommy voice', a voice so sweet, so comforting... touched something in me.

Tommy was a presence when he entered a room.  He always made a good impression on people.  He was very polite, kind to people, he went out of his way to help others.  One could always see in his eyes that he was happy to make a good difference.

I understand what my little grandson is worried about... it's keeping his daddy's face, voice, how he moved ... in his mind.  He wants to remember him forever.  Why do we have to forget?  I wonder if it's to ease the pain... would the pain be 'more' if we kept such a clear picture in our mind?

Is that 'why' when I see someone who looks like Tommy, I stop and let my eyes follow them, 'trying to see Tommy' walking, moving, smiling, talking?  I feel pain as I watch for a brief moment 'Tommy'?

At this moment, I sit here at my desk... my head feels achey.  It has hurt a lot lately.  I think I'll be glad when a few more days go by... this has been quite a weekend.  I'm so happy, but... you wouldn't believe it looking at me.  I look so drawn, tired, weary... my eyes are red, sleepy looking.

I'm back now, I just came in from the long journey I have been on.  One of dark roads, paths.  I have traveled in the bowels of pure Hell, while my soul screamed at the pain of losing my son.  My book has made it possible for me to be alright now.  I had somewhere to release the pain from my very soul.

I know I will cry, I know I still feel the pain, grief... but now... I know everything will be alright.  I know I will always feel grief, sadness, pain over the death of my only child.  I can accept now, that he is gone.  I didn't want to ... before.

May 29, 2010... it will be 3 years since Tommy walked into heaven from the sandy shore of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, on a Saturday evening.  He made it in time to play with his little three year old son... it was the first, last time he ever played at the beach with his son.

The last time I saw my son was on the evening of May 28, 2010 ... the last time I saw his smile, heard his voice, saw him walk, eat.  It's so sad ... now, I cry because it's just so sad.  So sad that a wonderful son, person is gone.  I love you, Son.

This Was Very Strange, Indeed... I Wasn't Going Home Without It

This Was Very Strange, Indeed... I Wasn't Going Home Without It
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



My attention was drawn to the many big framed pictures on a long shelf in the store we were in.  There were stacks, and stacks of them side by side... all sitting upright... so, one could look through them.  Each picture had a glass window, making me be careful at how I pulled each toward me ...to look at the one behind it.

I was wishing to find a big sunflower... something to match the little lamp in my bathroom.  It has a pretty 'folk-artsy' sunflower on the base of it.  It's beautiful.  I briefly wished to find a nice dragonfly picture... Tommy loved dragonflies... the thought entered my mind, I wouldn't find one there.

As I was gently pulling each glass-framed picture toward my chest, holding them as I looked at what was behind the next one... there was a loud noise!  I saw the next stack of glass-framed pictures begin to fall forward!  All that glass......

I didn't know what to do, except to stretch out to that stack of pictures to hold them, keep them from falling down to the floor!

Gracious, you should have seen me ... I was holding both stacks ... with my arms stretched as far as I could, and my legs stretched out that far, too.  I know I looked ridiculous 'spraddled out' ...like that!

I was hoping Skip would come by, help me.  I had to keep using my hands to work the pictures until I could hold them, so... I could free my hand from the stack I'd been looking at.

Thankfully, I had been looking at them making them line up neatly against my chest... soon, my hand was free to let go of them.  I breathed a sigh of relief, stepped over to get the other framed pictures 'under control'.

No sooner than I stepped in front of the 'fallen' framed pictures, I stopped.  I just froze... I couldn't believe what I was looking at... a huge, beautiful... dragonfly in the glass frame!!!  The colors were 'perfect'!  I forgot about the weight pushing at me from all those frames... I was in disbelief.

I worked the frames until I could reach to the back, to get that picture... there was no way I was going home without it!

That dragonfly picture was at the very back... I would have never seen it, if all those frames hadn't fell forward.  It had become special to me as soon as my eyes saw it!

Don't you think Tommy could have somehow... touched that stack of glass-framed pictures to make them begin to fall forward... to reveal that dragonfly?  This is very strange, indeed......

I'M GLAD I GOT TO KNOW YOU, SON...

I'M GLAD I GOT TO KNOW YOU, SON....

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

I became aware of crying around me... I realized I couldn't see. I couldn't see!

Where's my baby! I became frantic, I reached out trying to feel for my baby. I couldn't see! I felt fragments of glass stick into my fingertips! The pieces were cutting my fingers, they were sticky.. I couldn't see my fingers!

Why can't I see? What has happened to me? I was crying, I felt something fall from somewhere ...onto my lap. I felt for it ... broken glass! Why is there broken glass on my lap? I felt my head, my hair.... fragments of broken glass fell.

My baby! My baby! I began crying very loud for my baby. I could hear people around me... can't they hear me? In my mind I could see ... me sitting in the front seat on the passenger side of the car. Tommy's little head was resting on the door... oh my God! Where's my baby?!!!

I began screaming... maybe I had been screaming all along. I heard a soft, calm voice begin talking close to my head... he's alright, the feminine voice told me. The voice told me that she had my baby, that he was alright though, there were cuts on his face from broken glass!

Broken glass! Where did the broken glass come from! Where was I? What has happened to us? I was in a dark tunnel... for a moment I had seen light at the end of it... I remembered clutching my baby to my chest and crawling, fighting to go to that light to get away from..... oh my God! We've been in a wreck!

My baby's head, oh my baby's head was resting on the door! The car that crashed into the car we were passengers in... crashed into my side and pushed the door in on Tommy and I! I was hurt, my shoulder was hurting badly.

I was beginning to see again, the woman had placed my baby in my arms. I began sobbing as I saw the blood on my baby, on Tommy's face, head.

Blood has no place on a little innocent baby... my heart was broken... Tommy was crying. I held his little body to my chest, rocking him and talking softly to him through the sobs wracking my body.

We were taken to the hospital, there we were seen by the ER doctor. Hours later we were released to go home. I was so thankful Tommy was alright... it looked so much worst than it really was. So much glass was on both him and I, in our hair, our clothes.

I began to come out of the shock I was in. I asked about the woman whom Tommy and I had been with. She is fine, so are her children.. I was told.

She had stopped at the stoplight in Elkin, North Carolina near Chatham Blanket Company. A woman ran the the red light, crashing into the door pushing it in on me... I had been sitting straight in my seat with Tommy's little head resting on the padded door.

I had forgotten just before the crash, I had turned with my shoulder and part of my back resting against the door, I was holding Tommy with his head on my chest... in my mind.. his little head was still touching that padded door!

When the woman ran the red light she crashed into the door, my shoulder and back took the force of it. Tommy's head was protected by my chest. Thank-God, I would have died for my child!

Tommy and I had been in a wreck... thank-God, I had placed my shoulder and back to the door... we had forty years together ... mother and son. I miss my son... Tommy, I'm glad I got to know you, my precious son.

　

　

　

A 'TOMMY FLOWER'

A 'TOMMY FLOWER'

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

A flower in your memory

what kind of flower can I get

A marigold to remember your bright smile

A rose to remember my son's love?

I miss you, son... with my very heart

I've come a long ways now, I've come back

I've been in a dark world looking for you

I never found you, I've accepted that I never will.

Now.. I have only your photos, and several things

in the special upholstered chest where I keep them all

I can't open that chest up very far

I begin to feel sick, weak... afraid.

It's not time yet, to hold, touch and feel your things

I wonder if I would get a whiff of my son's scent

Like cologne to make me know it's 'Tommy'

Maybe air-freshner like you used in your truck.

I begin to feel panic thinking about taking one, two....

maybe ... I had better not take anything out just yet

I feel I would go to a dark corner in my mind

Strange... I thought all the darkness was gone on my path.

I'm looking at my path... I'm looking back from where I've come

I see that if I turn around to go back to see

that there is going to be some darkness the sun couldn't make bright

I think because though I love you, son... there's always going to be some darkness... that I call ... sadness.

Sadness... isn't all bad, it could be if I didn't allow light to come in

I welcome the bright sunshine in my heart, on my path

Yes, that 'darkness' that's still there... is sadness

It's okay... because any mother would have that in her heart... always.

Flowers... I wonder which flower is a 'Tommy' flower? I wonder if any of my readers have a flower come to mind when they read this. My special readers, friends, family members can 'see' where I can't.... I wonder 'what flower do you see' from reading, and knowing me... Tommy, through my words? Would you want to tell me?

Would you suggest a 'Tommy Flower' to me? I would love to know what you think? :)))