Appointments ... Appointments ... Gracious!

 

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... my world 🌎 ♥ 

May 23, 2024 ... Thursday

I am so glad it's Thursday. I have been waiting for this day after 2 full weeks of doctor appointments for Skip (a couple for me) ... and all his physical therapy appointments ... some days having 2 appointments. 

I have been so tired. I am Skip's caregiver as well (caring for Camie) ...  as keeping all going in our life. When I think about it ... wow, I have a lot of responsibility.  I take that responsibility seriously. 

The good thing is ... no more appointments for a few days. Memorial Day holidays are coming up affecting everything including Skip's physical therapy appointments. 

The saddest, more personable to me is Memorial Day holidays mark the day I lost my only child, my son ... Tommy. May 29, 2010.

He died with 3 blockages to his Heart ... the widow maker.. He collapsed on Myrtle Beach, South Carolina shortly after he and his family arrived. No one knew, suspected he had Heart problems. 

I was just thinking 9 years (April 2019) later I almost died with the same thing. I feel Tommy somehow reached from the other side to make me go straight away to be tested. I had immediate surgery to save my life ... I didn't go home from the test. The surgeon said I wouldn't have made it even a couple more days. I had no idea ... only that strange day alerted me.

I had the strangest day just before where that whole day no matter what I couldn't get Tommy off my mind ... and the thought I should make appointment with my cardiologist. Thank God I listened ... I believe my son saved my life from what caused his collapse, his death.

If you knew how strange that day was ... you would know Tommy reached out, saved my life. 

Here's looking forward to several days of catching up housework, rearranging, so on. My work never ends ... to keep all nice, clean, in order, take care of Skip, Camie's needs, myself ... I stay busy night and day. I wouldn't have it any other way. My little world is everything to me.

You Are Too Ugly, Fat to Be Any Good To Anyone

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates 💚💜💚  Life ... people fascinates me. I don't forget I am a person, too.

Some people see a big, fat man ... woman whose face, body isn't beautiful.  God, how ugly, gross they are. Being that big ... there can't be any good to come from them. Too ugly ... too fat. Ugh!

Taking up too much room for a big-ass body ... your clothes look like Hell. You try to look nice, fix your hair, wear make up... you are still ugly, fat. You aren't any good to anyone!

Do you dare to have any confidence as big as you are? Do you dare to smile, be happy as big as you are? Who do you think you are? You are just a fat-ass!

Sadly ... there are people who judge other people. Sadly they never take the time to discover beauty comes in all shapes, sizes. They can only see the exterior ... if you can only see the outside of a person's body ... you are going to miss the goldmine inside.

People, cars, houses ... it's okay for houses, cars to oversized. Big means better, richer but not ... if you are a person. You lose value the bigger you are. No one respects you, they treat you like second-class.

Shame on us if we are so narrow-minded to not see that our bodies like a book ... open up to reveal beauty. There are beautiful, loving, good souls in those big-ass bodies you despise so much. Damn ... yes, I said that ... if you don't look ... you won't see.

All that glitters, shines isn't gold ... isn't good. Have you ever bitten into a big, beautiful apple knowing it will taste so good? Only ... for it to be black, rotten inside? Are you going to continue to eat it ... just because it's ... beautiful?  NO!

People are like that ... beauty can hide the ugliest, blackest, evil souls there are. Beauty is just their camouflage to prey on others. Everyone likes beautiful, right? Evil can walk right up to you if it's beautiful. 

Not all beautiful is ugly ... not all ugly is beautiful. I have known the most beautiful people no one else would notice because ...

I took time to really see, care, sense. Like a book ... 📖  you can't judge it by the cover. Wow, you have no idea of the good people you are missing when you look over them to see only beautiful people. Because ...

If you truly want to see beauty, good in people ... look at what that body houses inside. Like Christmas presents ... we never know what's inside. Even a beautiful Christmas present has ugly things inside. Sometimes ... the ugliest wrapped presents can surprise, delight you, fill your soul with pure happiness. 

I'm not saying all big, ugly people ... big, beautiful people are all good ... all bad. I'm saying good people ... really beautiful souls sometimes can't be seen because one sees only the outside ... judge it not worth their time to look any farther.

I'm not saying all smaller people are beautiful ... we know they aren't.  They can house the ugliest souls just as well as beautiful souls.

When you look at someone think about a wonderful book you almost didn't read because you judged it by its cover.

We are the books that line Life's library shelves. Sure, some books are too dull for us to read ... but, there's always someone who will appreciate them.

These are my thoughts this morning when I was reading how people were judging a handsome man's wife for being obese. 

No one could believe a handsome man could love a fat woman ... then they saw pictures of her when younger ... she was beautiful. 

This leads one to believe he married her because she was beautiful ... no one thought he married her because she truly was a beautiful soul.

I begin thinking just what you just read. That old saying is true ... beauty IS in the beholder's eye. Sometimes  ... we don't see what others see in a person.

Note by this author:  

I study people, I have since being a child. I am always amazed anew how we as human beings think, do. Sometimes ... I can't believe it ... sometimes  ... I can.

I don't make any claims of being right ... wrong. I only write what ... I ... see, feel ... think ... how my life is touched, affected. 

I write only my life's stories... I don't write yours. You have to live, write your own stories. I am honored when you take your time to read ME ... my stories. ❤  Happy colors to you 💚💜💛💙❤🧡💛💚💜💙❤🧡

Walmart ... Amazon

 

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... 

I became aware of something I've been doing for some time now.

I wouldn't have thought I would ever do this, much less not go to Walmart anymore.

I've broken my habit of going to Walmart to pick up things we need. I was ordering toothpaste, mouthwash online from Amazon when it dawned on me ........

I never shop at Walmart anymore ... I average going to Walmart once a month now. I wonder how many people have also, done this? Especially since Covid.

If I see I'm running out of dish detergent, laundry detergent, so on ... I just go online to order it ... it's here the next day. Since Skip hasn't been well ... also ... I don't want to leave him sitting while I go into a store ... I go online to oder from Amazon.

Ever so often ... Skip might feel he wants to go to Walmart, Sam's Club, Charlie C's ... I will run to find him an electric car/cart to ride on. They are so hard to find. I try to always keep Skip with me so, I know he is okay. 

If he ever waits for me in vehicle you won't see me standing around talking ... my mission is getting back to him as quickly as possible. I only do that when I don't have a choice ... and I'm not letting him stay home alone. A lot of people can do that ... I can't unless it's an emergency. I have a baby cam ... the app is on my phone ... I can keep check on him or Camie if push comes to shove.

My go to now ... has been for months ... is right here on my tablet or desktop to Amazon to order. I'm so thankful for Amazon. I love seeing the Prime truck come even if it's only a bottle of dish detergent, mouthwash, whatever! 🙂🙃🙂😀😁❤❤❤

Just Because Life Gets A Little Messy It's Not The End Of The World

 

It isn't the end of the world ... when Life gets a little messy ... we just 'unmess' it right back up 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 Skip's birthday cake came a day late, to wrong address, and when opened ... this what we saw.

Don't make mean comments because it isn't deserved. I keep my photos here, and on the computer that are important to ME. 

These photos are important to ME in a positive way ... it isn't the end of the world, life goes on ... it's all in how we choose to handle things. I prefer 'unmessing' things back up until everything is okay again.

There were a few tears, feeling bad ... then ... all felt okay. The photos are just photos of a little mess ... and dealt with in a positive way ... Life goes on. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Everything is alright ... the main thing is Skip is okay now.

No More False Hope ... No More Crystals Tears On Our Cheeks

Written with pure love from my very Heart ... love mixed with such soul-deep pain ... bittersweet.  Photo of,  owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates 

The ones tossing the tiny crumbs never see the magic their little  ... tiny crumbs create! They never see the sunshine come out on a rainy day! They never see the crystal tears rolling down lined, old, tired cheeks. They never know just how much one, two, three or more little words mean. Maybe ... they might not care?

Your crumbs when tossed randomly gives false hope that the past can be mended. When you stop ... you never see the elderly, sick, dying person ... slowly die just a little more. 

Each time... your crumbs of kindness just added one more nail in the ⚰ coffin. Each time there was an opportunity to put the past in the past where it belongs. You closed your eyes each time ... before long someone else will close their eyes permanently ... you will only add more torment to your soul until the day you ... last close your eyes. 

I grew up like that hating, angry at everyone who left me, hurt me ... but, I grew past that ... I forgave. No one can know the peace of mind that comes over one when they learn to forgive ... oh my, the difference it makes in one's life. 

The tiny crumbs of kindness is a thing of the past now. No more false hope, no more crystal tears flowing down a broken, tired of living elderly person's face. 

Life will go on ... I think of the old saying ... kill someone with kindness. It works when thrown out like a fishing line, jerked back just enough to inflict damage. It works! Good job ... you paid them back over a period of time when they showed their Heart to you. You did good.

Yes, life goes on ... I will now, step in ... pick up more pieces of our life that's been shattered because parts of pieces went flying all over the place too. As I'm picking those pieces of our life up, putting them back in place ... crystal tears will also, flow down my cheeks for things that could have been ... now, it can't ever be. 

I wished so hard my husband could have been inspired, motivated by your love to give him new life ... because it would have taken your love, forgiveness to do it. It never came ... I opened our life up to you for years ... now, I gently closed the 🚪 door. If I ever hear you knocking ... I will always ... open the door up to you.

For now, it's time to heal our Hearts, soul ... rest. We both are so tired mentally from wasted years to finally learn they meant nothing. This is to us another Life's Lesson we needed to learn. We learned to always love you, care no matter what ... that will be in our Hearts when we each go to our grave. Love, care, forgive ... this didn't break us ... we can still smile our bittersweet smiles.

Life is good ... everything will be alright ... our recent Life's Lesson taught us not to be weighted down by hatred, anger ... we can go forward after letting this go ... it has been let go. Now .. it's time to bury that dead horse my husband has been mentally kicking for these past years. 

I wish you, and yours only good ... happiness in all in your life. I send you love from my Heart you never took time to see, know. It's understandable... I know how Life is. Just know we have, still do have the highest respect, love for all of you. We are always here ... we still believe in miracles. 

I wanted to say this from my Heart ... from my viewpoint, I admire all of you. You are good people, family oriented, loving, caring. Anyone would be proud to have family like you. Take care as this is what I write to get the pain out ... this is a goodbye note, too. We are always here for as long as we live ❤ 💜 💛💚💙💚💙💛

It'sTime To Bust Out Of That Self-Made Prison ... TinyCrumbs Of Kindness Create Magic

 

This is one of the most important things I've written in so long. This is about getting older ... not much time left ... hoping to be forgiven for big, little mistakes made when younger. 

After years of suffering in a self-made prison ... one needs to ... bust the Hell out of it. 

You tried, failed ... let go ... just let the Hell go ... begin living again. 

We can almost see the end of our Life's road now ... quit wasting time ... you truly tried. 

Yes, now ... it's time to simply ... let go.  (Yes ... I said that)

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I was glad to wake up this morning ... looking outside I could see beginning daylight. A good night's rest can make the difference when you go through something emotional. 

Now, I wait for Skip to wake up hoping his frame of mind is much better. He has had a hard time lately. I care with my Heart.

A new day ... going forward, no looking back. Looking back at things that could have been ... might have been after such a long time, years even ... has been a true waste of time. Then again maybe it wasn't ... because at times it felt good ... one could close their eyes for a few moments pretending all is good with the world.

Sadly one can pretend, hope, wish ... try to make amends for the past ... it can't be done alone. One can be truly sorry for mistakes made when young .... the day of reckoning comes. We punish ourselves day after day hoping whom we've hurt in the past forgives, will want to move forward. No, one can't do it alone no matter how hard they try.

Do we keep punishing ourselves, stay in the rut hoping others will come around to make good of our remaining time on this earth? Do we continually hope, wish for even the smallest crumbs to come to us to make us happy for a moment enough so, to hope once again?

After years of doing such there comes a time when it needs to stop. Sadly, wishing ... hoping ... praying good things can come from bad ... we stay in that same rut way too long.

Sometimes ... like the old saying ... a straw can break the camel's back. Sometimes ... we see little red flags ignoring them ... when you play with fire you are going to get burnt no matter what. Some things aren't meant to be ... won't ever be no matter how much you pray, wish, hope. Let go ... let go ... let go.

You can try to do the best you can, be the best you can be ... it won't ever be enough to make certain people in your life care about you. 

I've watched through time someone dear to my Heart hurt, grieve over mistakes made when younger. Wanting forgiveness for things done in the past ... being young, doing things that shouldn't be done. 

Young people make awful mistakes ... if they have the chance to grow older ... they reflect on everything they've ever done ... they hope for forgiveness ... a chance for new beginnings. In the process of waiting for years hoping, praying, wishing ... one stays still in a rut punishing oneself day after day. How much should a person punish themselves?

I've watched this happening for years now ... I've seen the beautiful happiness a few little crumbs thrown created. I have watched as the magic those little crumbs created ... disappear ... until one day down the road ... magic crumbs are tossed out again giving hope that mistakes can be forgiven ... people can live in the present not ... the past.

I watched day after day a person grieve over the past at times wishing to die because they are in this rut ... one person can't do it all. Sadly ... that person is really the only one who suffers, his life stands still while others live. 

It isn't their fault, they are just living their lives never knowing ... maybe knowing and can't quite care because of feelings from the past ...knowing someone who loves them only wanted to be a small part of it ... just enough for a kind word here and there ... maybe even a happy day or happy birthday, merry Christmas or even words of get well soon, hello ... or just kiss my ass. 

Forgive, put bad, sad feelings in the past. As you grow older you will one day be sickly, old ... reflecting on all your mistakes wishing to make up for them before you die. One person can sit and sit ... waste all the years left in their life hoping, wishing .... if no one cares to move forward ... nothing positive can come from it. Nothing. When that person isn't well at all he lives in Hell on earth, tormented from past mistakes.

In my Gloria Opinion ... I have a lot of them ... quit kicking a dead horse, it damn sure isn't going to get back up ... it's dead, it's gone ... nothing you say, do is going to phase it ... never-ever in any shape or form. That horse ain't never going to get back up.

You've wasted all these years living on magic tiny crumbs of kindness hoping, wishing. It's not going to happen. Let them live ... continue to be tormented by the past. It's more than time for you to move on.

It's time for you to let go ... let go ...let go.

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Note from this author:  

In life we wait, waste time ... caring with our big Hearts we earned from our Life's Lessons ... we are vulnerable because we learned from past mistakes. We feel deep pain ... we let people continue to kick us thinking we deserve it. No ... there comes a time when it has to end ... sometimes, it takes that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

In life ... when mistakes are made ... they can't be taken back no matter how good you become, no matter what BUT ... we can go on to be the best we can as soon as we wake up, become aware.

I have been watching, sensing, hurting for the past years seeing someone waste their days caring, hoping to make all right before dying ... if it hasn't happened in all this time ... it's time to put it to rest. 

It's time to move forward again ... we don't have that much time left. Get your ass out of the past now ... you have been in your own self-made prison for years. 

Now, break the Hell out of it ... put one foot in front of the other ... let's go forward. We have places to go, things to do. No time for the past anymore. I don't have time to continue to watch you suffer anymore.

I know you are a for-real, kind, good person. Your Heart is in the right place. I won't stand by to see it crushed anymore. 

To be fair, the 'others' who cause all this pain probably aren't even aware this person cares so much. Not only does that person care, so do I. I'm a very good person, too.

Sadly ... people through time have always put labels on people such as mother-in-law ... sister-in-law ... step-mother ... step-father ... the list goes on. They leave a bad taste in people's mouths, they expect them all to be the same because of bad apples. 

I'm here to tell you not everyone is alike ... I am the exception to a lot of things. I'm not your typical person who is a troublemaker who is always stirring the pot ... I'm sure not your typical woman who plays games to hurt others. 

No one can put a label on ME ... only my name ... Gloria. Paste your labels somewhere else ... I don't deserve, nor accept them whether you ever like, care about ME or not.

I don't play games with anyone. I know Life is far too serious to hurt other people. I know how pain feels only too well. I am going to use my power now ... to help this person moves forward ... he's been stuck in time too long. 

I have respected, loved, cared all this time for others while watching him hurt causing ME such soul-deep pain. Enough! It's time just like that song ... let it go, let it go ... let it go.

How many, many, many parents are there who live in this torment in their older age, sick, dying ... praying for only forgiveness if nothing else. How many, many parents live in their own living Hell ... self-made prisons? How many ... many parents live for the magic, tiny crumbs of kindness to be tossed out to them?

The ones tossing the tiny crumbs never see the magic their little  ... tiny crumbs create! They never see the sunshine come out on a rainy day! They never see the crystal tears rolling down lined, old, tired cheeks. They never know just how much one, two, three or more little words mean. Maybe ... they might not care?

No Birthday Cake For Skip Today ...

Skip is at physical therapy ... he isn't feeling well at all, nor am I. He won't get his cake today. No hard feelings ... only love, caring is in our Hearts. We know how life is. We also, know communication is important to save pain, grief when already hurting. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

I don't have time to feel anger, have hard feelings ... nor do I want or choose to be like that. Having said that and meaning it with my Heart... my Heart hurts for Skip today.. another let down he truly didn't need. Even he isn't upset nor has hard feelings ... but, he hurts deeply. His depression is worse ... I won't go farther in detail out of love, respect, caring for everyone.

However ... my Heart hurts because I worked on, chose the perfect person for my Birthday surprise to Skip ... I contacted, paid for it in March smiling inside knowing all would be very special. I knew he'd get a colorful cake or cupcakes with lots of flowers ... it won't  happen.

I just feel so sad, down even more so since yesterday ... Mother's Day. I am again amazed at Life, people and the twists, turns, and loops thrown. Skip's  77th birthday was so important to me ... Skip has been depressed thinking it is his last birthday. No one knows how unwell he is nor the differences in his body, mind the way I do.

I could just sit down, cry ... but, I'm not. I have to find a birthday cake for Skip! I will stop at Sam's Club hopefully finding a perfect one with happy-colors, flowers on it.

No one needs to comment on this ... I write my pain ... when I do ... I still love, care about everyone including people who made me sad.

Communication is key to everything and following through with your word is everything. If you promise something weeks ahead, follow through. Don't not communicate until the last minute. You never know the hurt, extra pain, grief you inflict on others when unnecessary ... especially people who love, care, respect you.

Love, caring always wins out ... but, hurt, grief, pain takes time. No matter what, we love, care, respect. Now ... if the hurt, pain, disappointment goes away quickly. As for Skip ... I am worried about him ... he isn't feeling well at all. I am watching him here at his physical therapy session. His Heart isn't in it at all. 

This is the saddest birthday I've ever known Skip to have ... and it's affecting him in the not good way. The good thing here ... neither of us harbor any bad feelings at all. We are old enough to know when people do things ... they have their own reasons to do so. In their minds they know what and why ... and feel good when making decisions. We all do it.

We all learn from Life's Lessons ... this is another life lesson we learn from. There's good in everything when you make it be. I'm making it ... be. We sure aren't perfect people at all ... through the years we really try to do good and will keep doing the best we can.

This is the last I will write on this ... the hurt, pain, disappointment was greater than I ... I had to write. Writing is how I survive, live this life. Please don't make negative comments  ... everything is alright, we are still here, we still love, we still care.

Skip's Special Birthday Cake Comes Today!!! Made By Someone Special!

My precious husband, Skip ... just before getting injection. His body has been through so much. Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉  Skip, today. You are 77 years young! ❤❤❤❤❤

Skip's birthday cake will get here today ... it will be over-nighted. In March I made arrangements for the most special cake in the world for Skip Bates ... the most meaningful ... to be made for him by someone special. 

I didn't let Skip know until yesterday. Oh my, you should have seen his face, his eyes ... he was emotional ... so, so happy! None of my birthday presents could mean as much to Skip as this special cake! ❤❤❤❤❤

We have to go to Skip's physical therapy this morning. I hope his cake will have come! He will be looking for a box as we drive up. I'm so excited,  happy for him. I wanted him to have the best gift ... I chose this to be what my Heart felt is the very best! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

I could have chosen something with no meaning ... I worry at times this could be Skip's last birthday from things he says ... I try to get, do everything good, special for him. He stays sad, depressed all the time ... telling him about his special cake made him brighten up, smile the very most I've seen him do in years. Especially ... when I told him who was making it special for him!

Happy day and beautiful colors! ❤❤❤❤❤ This is the day I've been waiting for! Happy Birthday my precious husband, Skip Bates! I love you with my very Heart! ❤💛❤💛❤💛❤💛❤💛❤

The Truth Is ... Today Isn't A Happy Mother's Day

Photos of my son, Tommy ...owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... when I used to be a mother 

The truth is today isn't a Happy Mother's Day for me

Yes, I know many of you wished that for me

Not knowing... or knowing I don't have a child anymore

I mean how can I be wished a Happy Mother's Day 

Without a child, no one to call me mother

When you tell me Happy Mother's Day

I can't do anything but, smile, thank you

How can you know my child is gone forever

How can you know your words make me feel strange

I would rather no one to wish Happy Mother's day to me

Does that sound ugly ... I don't mean for it to

No one knows the confusion I feel because I just don't 

Know when a Mother's child dies ... what does that make her

I know when a spouse dies one becomes a widow, a widower

Oh my ... what am I without the only child I ever had

Just what do you call me ... I just don't know

I do know I hurt ... one can say I know what you mean

No ... no, you don't know what I mean

Your child is living ... you have a right for someone to say

Happy Mother's Day ... you have a right to your happiness

Today of all days ... be thankful, proud, happy

Your baby lives ... no matter how old

You have what I once knew, I once had

Now ... I can only feel pain, grief on Mother's Day 

My feelings are bittersweet when I remember my child

I've coped with the loss of my son

Why do I wish for no one to say Happy Mother's Day to me

Because it doesn't feel good to me ... I can't pretend to be

Something I'm not ... I'm no longer a mother to a child

Happy Mother's Day not to ME but, to the Mothers 

Today who have living, thriving, wonderful children

Who come home this special day

Am I bitter, angry because my child is gone?

Of course not ... just call ME bittersweet meaning

Though I'm sad, I miss my son ... I miss being a mother

I'm so happy for all the mothers with children

I can't help but, pay attention ... I can't help but, feel my loss

I can help by caring about others, wish good for them

Hope they never lose a child, never feel as I do

Never wonder what am I called when I lost my child

Never cringe when someone says Happy Mother's Day to me

Graciously,  politely thanking them with a smile

Feeling like an imposter ... someone with no child

This day isn't for me anymore ... I can only live with my

Memories of past Mother Days in the month of May

My son died unexpectedly in the month of May

Two weeks after my last Mother's Day

I can see my son now in my mind

His smile competing with the sunshine

Golden, bright with his strawberry blonde hair, eyes of blue

Saying to ME when I once was a mother

Happy Mother's Day! I love you! Hugging ME tightly

Messing my hair up as he loved to do then, stand back 

Laugh with his happy self ... while I fussed about my hair

Feeling such happiness in my Heart ... I was his mother!

I understand as once being a mother myself

We never think of mothers who have lost their child

We just don't ... as mothers we have our minds on our babies

On our life doing our motherly things

That's the way it should be ... making special memories 

Thank God for the memories I have of my son

That's all I have left of him ... my biggest memory being of a

A 6 ft. 3 in. guy with golden strawberry blonde hair, a even more

Glowing, beautiful smile ... soft voice, twinkling blue eyes

Funny as heck, always reaching out to tousle, mess up his mother's hair

He could laugh like the Cowardly Lion making me bend over with laughter

Argue with me over words letting the other know how smart we was

The last word we argued good-naturely over was 'precipice'

I couldn't believe he thought I ... didn't know that word!

The evening before my son, Tommy ... died just 2 weeks after my last

Mother's Day ... was beautiful,  made so much more special

As Tommy drove away ... oh my, we were waving up a storm, smiling

Bright as the sun never knowing that was our last smile ...

The last ... I love you, Mom! ... I'd ever hear him say in person

The last ... I love you, Son! ... as he drove out of sight

Tommy collapsed on the beach just in a short time after arriving in

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina ... he died with the last sounds 

Being his little 3 year old son's happy voice ... sound of sea gulls singing

Sound of the ocean waves splashing ashore ... 

Tommy never knew he had 3 blockages to his Heart at the age of 40

He had just called me not long before he died saying he'd call back in a little 

While ... the phone rung shortly after that call ... I looked at the Caller ID

My son was calling back so soon! I was smiling when I answered

The last thing I heard was a stranger's voice saying ...

Ma'am ... I have a man here collapsed on the beach, he's not breathing

Somewhere in a distance I heard someone scream for Skip ...

I heard a woman crying as she slipped into a shock never coming out of it for 

Several years ... I was a mother until that last phone call coming from my son's 

Phone ... I always thought about my happy mother's smile when I answered 

The last call from his phone ... as the stranger talked my last mother's smile 

Slipped away ... as I went from being a mother to whatever a mother is

Called when she loses her child 

This is my every Mother's Day each year since Tommy has been gone

When I used to be a mother ... I used to have a beautiful child, a son

I have memories now ... I thank God for my good memories of my son

No one could have loved my son more than I ... my son loved me, Skip

With his very Heart ... he and Skip were so close 

This is what goes through this real person's mind when Mother's Day comes

Around ... the truth is ... it's not a happy day for me

If, when someone tells ME Happy Mother's Day ... I will smile, thank them 

Like always ... why would I take joy away from someone who took their time to 

Wish me something so special? I wouldn't ... I never want to hurt anyone

The truth is ... I know pain of every kind ... no matter if someone's hurts ME 

Today ... I won't allow myself to feel anger, hard feelings toward them 

I know how fickle Life can be ... I know a life can be taken at any moment

I don't want to be another part of someone's pain, hurt

I will go on smiling, being gracious as possible even when I hurt until

It somehow goes away to the place all my pain goes to ... I have more love

In my Heart so, I don't  have room for negative to exist

Just know if you hurt ME ... you will be the only one living with the torment

I won't let it bother ME

The truth is ... as long as I try to do right, be good to people ... my Heart 

Is in the right place ... to ME that's what matters

I don't have room for bad feelings  ... 

I see I can go off track here at this very moment ... begin writing about other 

Things ... you all know ME ... when I write MY words are like a car ... it can carry 

Us down many roads  🙂🙃🙂💛💛

Note: 

I wish with my Heart a very Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in this world. 

What I wrote about is what mother means to Me after my son died. Just know because I write pain, grief doesn't mean I'm not alright. 

I am fine ... only writing real feelings of a real person. I don't need sympathy,  pity ... I write to survive ... writing is my outlet so, I can live, go on. 

You can read, be entertained ... or if you need a big laugh, laugh by all means. If you want to feel, care .. that's okay ... you have a Heart.

I'm not the only mother living without her child. I care for how they feel. I am one of the fortunate ... somehow I made it through that darkest of dark journeys in my life ... I lived to tell it ... I almost didn't. 

Sometimes ... Raising Hell Has To Be Done

 

Photos of, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates .........

Sometimes ... Raising Hell Has to Be Done ...     May 11, 2024 (Saturday) ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

This weekend ... Sunday ... is Mother's Day ... May 12th  💛 Monday, May 13th. .. is Skip Bates Skip's birthday 💛 May 29th is anniversary of my son's, Tommy M Sidden ...death.

I'm no longer a mother to a child ... I am mother to a fur baby ... Miss Camie Leigh. Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild .

The truth is ... I am feeling a lot of sadness in my Heart because of grief ... pain in my body ... our Life, situation. I miss my own  child, my son. I am feeling the grief, loss of my mother, my son, Grandma Alma & George.

Tommy, I miss you. I felt a sharp pang go through my Heart ... no matter how long someone has been gone ... especially a child ... an only child ... the pain never goes away. No matter how I fool you ... fool myself ... the pain, grief for my son never goes away.

I just know how to tuck the pain, grief into its own bed deep within the covers ... until it works itself out again. I begin the process all over again ... sometimes, the pain, grief doesn't want to go back.

I have to buckle down to put it back under the covers as deeply as I can. I don't have the luxury of wallowing in my pain, grief. I have Skip and Camie I have to take care of ... and ME in the process. I don't have time to sit, grieve, hurt.

I have to admit as tough mentally, physically as I think I am ... I have some limitations now. I don't lift as heavy things now ... Skip and Camie are where my strength needs to focus. I sure can't take time to dwell on grief, pain ... I have to move along, go forward.

I think the pain in both of my hands has lasted longer this time than ever. It makes a huge difference when I go to do everything, it affects how I feel  ... I don't ever give in to the pain. That's not how I made it to today ... this very moment in time.

I want to mention something I always promised to my Followers ... I would always honestly tell you how grief, pain really feels. When I do that ... I would like all my newest people who read ME to know ... this is what I write ... real life from a real person ... pain, grief. It's what I know best. When one writes it should be about something they know best.

ALSO ... when I write any painful part of my life ... write about grief ... just know ALL the pain, grief in my life ... has been dealt with, coped with, fought with ... battled to Hell with by ME. I can live with all that Life has thrown at ME to this very moment. I'm still standing.

Don't. .. ever feel pity, sorry for ME. I sure don't need, nor appreciate it. Empathy is okay, caring is okay. That's how I feel for others who go through their own grief, pain ... any Hell on earth. Empathy ... caring.

I can't in no way write all that has affected my life to deeply hurt ME. I do write what comes to my mind to make ME sad ... now.

You WON'T ever see ME wallowing on the ground ... begging for pity, someone to feel sorry for ME.

When I write MY pain ... you can know because I am here this very moment because ... I have somehow found the strength to go on ... when thrown to the ground, getting myself up ... knocking the dust from my ass ( I said that! Yes, I did!) ... holding my ground.

Mentally, physically I've been strong even in my weakest moments. That's my Grandma Alma's legacy to ME. Her and George (she was paralyzed,  he was blind) lived in Hell ... I was thrown there to live with them as a little girl.

I learned to fight physically, mentally never giving up when sometimes, appearing to do so. They are my people I respect most in life ... they never had anything going for them. They lived life to the hardest.

I learned by watching ... feeling ... sensing Grandma Alma and George. Cry, raise Hell they did ... to survive a life they were given here on this earth. A life so harsh they rarely had any happiness BUT ... they could still smile, care ... love.

Raising Hell was their tool to survive all Life dealt them ... raising Hell to just get through each thing thrown at them ... was like when ... you go to the gas station ⛽ to fill your gas tank up so, you can drive, go forward on your car.

Raising Hell is that fuel ... that gas to propel ME forward. It isn't pretty by any means but ... it is my survival tool ... my Grandma Alma and George's legacy to ME to make it through my life.

It's amazing to look back in Life ... and 'see why' ... certain things happen. Things happen for a reason ... one day in Life ... later down the road we see, realize those pieces in our Life's puzzle are already in place. It's up to us on how we use them to live ... survive.

Grandma Alma was the strongest woman I ever knew ... and she was paralyzed,  depending on George to care for her.

George was the strongest man I ever knew ... he was blind. He was the only grandfather I ever knew in my life.

They played such a huge role in my life. This little girl watched, learned ... never aware she was being trained to live, cope with her own life.

I watched Grandma Alma and George raise ... tee-total Hell all the time. Oh my, they could raise some Hell. They knew how because their house was one of the portals to Hell. They lived in pure, raw Hell. So ... did I ... and any other children the mothers threw there to live while they went off to do their thing.

It scarred all of us ... some more than others. They have to write their own stories. .. I write mine. If ... they affected my life in some way ... I can write that.

Yes ... sometimes ... when I'm up against something I can't fix, repair ... do ... or when Life is throwing something my way, placing obstacles in my path ... I raise Hell ... pure tee-total Hell until ... I get through. Get through I do ... though it isn't ever easy.

Raising Hell is my tool to survival whether I raise it silently ... loudly. Grandma Alma was my mother as well as grandmother. Thank you, Grandma Alma ... and George. I know raising Hell isn't pretty but, sometimes it has to be done.

I Know How It Feels ... Am I Tough Enough?

Am I tough enough to come, run to help you

Do I run ... hide so, no one sees me

While I watch you in distress?

Do I turn my back to you so, you won't make eye contact

Making you a real person ... making me feel

I have to help you?

I don't want to see ... I don't want to know ... I don't want to help

Please don't touch my world to make me see

Let me live in my own darkness, my Hell, my cocoon 

Has Life reduced me to this where I can't help myself 

Much less you? Where I hide my eyes, ears, Heart so, that I

Don't have to see, hear, feel?

Not ME ... no matter how tough Life is, has been

I hold my ground... get back up

I can't count the times I've been knocked to the ground

Photo of, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... sometimes Life makes us want to close up, close down ... don't do it. 

When Life knocks you for a loop ... get up, dust that ass (yes, I said that because I mean it!) ... dust that ass off ... and ... hold your ground accordingly to your situation. 

Know when to back off, advance in the direction you are going ...one by one ... knock those obstacles out of your way ... if you can't knock them out of the way ... climb over them.

If you can't do anything for the moment ... stay still ... while continually going forward in Life ... your opportunity will come ... the obstacles will be gone from your path one way or other. 

Just know sometimes  ... it takes time ... for everything to be alright again ... Life is for-real like that. It doesn't mean it's the end of the world ... we have to accept sometimes ... in Life we have to change directions many times to go forward ... the main thing is ... DON'T stop going forward even if you are taking the tiniest of steps.

This is strictly ... my GLORIA OPINION ... and I have a lot of them. You have to form your own, think for yourself and do in Life what you feel, think. I can't do that for you. Maybe like me ... sometimes, reading others' lives can give you a fresh idea, help you to see how to make your next Life's move ... it's sort of like Checkers ... jump over those obstacles!  🙂🙃🙂💛💛

Photo is of, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... I'd like to think I'm tough enough ... I just do the very best I can.

I see ... hear ... feel all around ME

I'll come running to help you, if I can't 

I will get help for you

I know how it feels to hurt, need help

I know how it feels to be all alone

I don't hide my eyes, ears ... Heart

I'll make eye contact with you

I won't run from you

I'll do my best to help in some way

I'll see, hear ... care for you

I know how it feels when no one does

Sometimes ... just a kind word, action is all needed

To make someone's world better again

Yes, I know that because through time

Others have made my world all better again

Mean, Ugly People Are Guardian Angels Too!

 

Photo doodled, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... my story below is ... strictly my ... Gloria Opinion. I have a lot of them 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

Tuesday ... May 07, 2024 ... 8:45 am

I sit here in my favorite spot on the bed ... lacking the pool of sunshine this morning. My feet are a little cold from being up earlier. Now ... my feet and I are back in bed. Of course it goes without saying ... I miss the sunshine.

Skip and Camie are sleeping ... I will sit here by their sides until they wake up.  This is what I do beginning each morning ... I begin my day with Skip and Camie sleeping ... until they wake up ... when they awaken our day becomes ... alive.

At nights I am awake lots of the time while they are sleeping. I am sitting here by their side ... watching over them as I read, write, draw,  think ... to entertain myself. I always say this ... I really am their living guardian angel. (I'm no angel because I'm not perfect ... BUT, I am a pretty good guardian angel if I say so myself!)

When Skip falls to sleep ... I always turn the TV off so, I can think, listen, concentrate ... the fan keeps it from being too quiet. I do NOT like total quietness at all. Just like I do NOT like total darkness. At night time give me fans and night lights! 

I was thinking about something disturbing. I pay attention to all around ME, to the news, to what I see online. I am a fact-checker, also.

Do you know what is disturbing? How people have changed online, in groups and in social media, real everyday life. 

Sometimes, I just sit in silence reading, looking at how people act, react, express themselves online now. I say 'now' because there's been a definite change in people since COVID.

Thank God ... there are many, many good people ... I will say that again ... thank God for many good people because we need them more than ever. It's alarming at the change for the worst in people ... where has just common decency gone to?

So many people don't even bother to hide, disguise their true colors anymore. It used to be it would take 3 months or more to begin picking up on people ... realizing they aren't all as they try to make others think of them. 

In one way that's good so time won't be wasted ... in another way it's scary because ... when there's no controlling one's actions ... bad things happen.

It's sad because that means just at least pretending to have good manners, respect ... has flown out the window. 

In today's time if someone gets angry they can pull out a gun ... or go into road rage mode ... or make a big spectacle of themselves ... because they aren't happy, because life isn't just about them. They mean to mentally, even physically hurt, injure ... kill others when they lose control.

Filters are gone ... no one cares to talk nice to anyone ... and in groups people are attacked by foul-mouthed people who constantly seem to do their best to start arguments. I'm shocked at how ugly people can be. 

Thank God for the many good people I know in real life, online. You see they are guardian angels ... living guardian angels too. They help to pick up pieces of people's lives that others have shattered with their pure ugliness.

You ... I ... we all are living guardian angels because we care about others ... we have real Hearts ... our Life isn't only about us ... we constantly pick up broken pieces of others lives without being aware of it as we live our lives, take care of our own. We put pieces back where they belong so, others can live, get up, go on.

Every little word said ... every little action can mean the world to even strangers. You know how good it feels when someone up out of the blue says, does something good never having to do it. 

It can literally mean your whole world ... it can make your day. That's constantly putting pieces of Life's puzzle back together when they fall from someone's life. Good people do this a lot of times never being aware of it ... they simply care.

Let me tell you a little something about mean, ugly people (yes, I know there are even meaner, uglier people there's very little hope for ... I'm not speaking of them). Even mean, ugly people can have a big Heart. Out of the blue I have seen that through time.

We ... in Gloria's Opinion ... need those mean, ugly people to get things done ... (I'm not talking about truly evil people). Mean, ugly people are just tough enough, mean enough to tread where the devil won't tread ... if he does tread ... these people aren't afraid of him. They aren't intimidated in the least. These are what I call the best ... meanest, ugliest people ... and ... I love them.

Mean, ugly people can be guardian angels too! If you needed to be rescued ... they are the ones who run toward you to help ... they aren't afraid to. They are my kind of people, too. I respect, admire them for the good things they are tough enough to do. You might think about this when you judge others. No one is perfect ... especially ME.

I Am A Piss-Poor Example ... BUT ... I Conquered! ... That's Making Good Out Of Bad

Photo owned, is of ME ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates 

I Am A Piss-Poor Example But, Regardless ... I Conquered 

This morning I sat here thinking ... no, it isn't ... wait, it just might ... no, it isn't going to shine. 

The sun was shining brightly for a few moments... not now. 

It is a cloudy morning  ... it rained last night ... more rain is expected later today.

Oh well ... I will ✍ write without the beautiful glow of ☀️ sunshine this morning... I miss it. Yes, I'm all about the sunshine. 

Yesterday ranked up there as one of the worst days of my life ... I've never experienced what I went through ... hope to never experience it again.

I won't talk about this experience... not all Life experiences need, nor should be talked about. 

There's such a thing as respect, love, caring, empathy that's more meaningful than speaking about something that happened to someone.

What is more important is how things are handled ... how one gets through it to the other side. Think of it as trying to cross turbulent waters.

I will admit though I made it across those turbulent waters ... I was a ... yes, I AM saying it ... I was a piss-poor example of how to handle something so shocking ... so awful ... so, everything I've never seen in my life.

I was ungracious ... I raised pure damn Hell ... I cried ... for over an hour it went on as ... "I crossed the turbulent waters" ... in front of ME.

If I wanted to do anything else ... including to just get the Hell home ... either I had to Conquer "the monster" in those "turbulent waters" or forever ... be a sorry failure. 

Not only that ... "the world would see ... know". We all know in our lives we have to have privacy ... out of pure love, respect we never-ever talk about some things. 

Why would anyone do that knowing it would bring about hurt, degradation to another person. 

Sometimes, we have to use all the power we have in us to make good things come from bad. We all handle the unexpected in different ways.

I like to say most of the time I do pretty good unless ... all of  a sudden I'm overwhelmed with things that seem too big for ME.

I go into a sort of shock while my mind is frantically trying ... to see the way out! 

In my mind ... I have been backed into a corner ... to get out of it ... things would be getting ugly ... because coming out of the corner ... I AM!

Or ... I could go very quiet, very nice, begin smiling ... this time ... all Hell broke loose!

This was my only option ... the only way I could get through. "Raising Hell" ... for ME is like when you go to put gas ⛽ in your 🚗 car when it's on empty.

I'm not a regular Hell Raiser ... only when I have to fight big, little battles ... like putting gas in your car ... the more Hell I rage ... the farther I travel ... raising Hell is ... the brand of fuel I use in my mental car to 🔥 to get ME through, overcome obstacles in my Life.

Sometimes, I rage (raise) Hell silently ... sometimes, I rage Hell loudly or in between. If you ever see, hear ME ... leave ME be ... I am in the process of knocking obstacles Life sometimes,  throws in my path. I ... mean ... to ... win! 

To this moment ... I am still here. Yesterday was no exception ... I crossed those turbulent waters in a very ungracious way ... crying, raging Hell quietly the whole way. 

I did it ... I made it ... and I almost had a breakdown in the process but ... I came out of that corner with the flames of fire raging Hell all the way. 

By the time I was through no one could ever see any evidence of the "monsters" I conquered. 

No one had to come ... clean up ... most people would have tucked their tails between their legs, sneaked away leaving Hell ... for others to walk through. 

Not ME ... I take care of my own ... I expect others to do the same if they are able-bodied. 

Strangely ... hours later ... the most awful battle behind ME was completely forgotten. 

Strange enough ... if I hadn't "raised ... raged Hell" ... I would have lost that battle ... only negative would have come from it.

Strange enough ... sometimes in Life we have to raise a little Hell to make good things happen ... make all positive again ... NO MATTER ... how good a person you try to be. Just ask ME ... ask Gloria.

Sometimes ... we have to be ugly to bring about good things ... if I'm ugly ... I'm fueling my mental gas tank up ... for Life's battles ... I mean to win.

All that Hell raised ... raged ... isn't in vain, isn't wasted ... no matter how ugly ... it's meant for a positive outcome. That's making good out of bad.

Something Miraculous Happened! This ... Turned Into That!

Oh my, my, my! It's a miracle! Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... what can happen once diagrams begin giving up their secrets ... May 01, 2024 ...  I Did It! All I can cay is ... Oh my, my, my! Wow!

Something Miraculous Happened! THIS ... Turned Into That!

(May 01, 2024 ... Wednesday)

I have been ordering from Montgomery Ward for many years ... on credit making a monthly small payment. 

This helps me when I need, want something that is a major expense.  Since Skip has been sick, living on a limited income and such ... I treasure my account.

Each year ... I will order several things from them. In my situation this means a lot ... I always make the small payment allowing me to order anything I want. 

The reason I mention this is I know I'm not the only one who has to be careful with money today. You may want to establish an account to get things needed, wished for when otherwise ... you couldn't on a limited budget. 

A month or so ago I was thinking of things that could bring some happiness,  something nice to really enjoy. I was looking through my catalog ... it hit me.

A glider with 2 chairs, table in between ... all made together appeared on one of the pages. 

My breath held for a moment... Skip Bates and I would sure love to walk outside on a warm evening ... enjoy sitting in a glider. Wouldn't that be so nice!

My mind was already on a big canopy that would provide needed shade in our little yard. Of course ... I, then, began to wish for both! 

Wouldn't that mean so much to both Skip and I to have much needed shade and ... glider chairs?

I told myself I would have to choose between one or the other not knowing if Montgomery Ward would approve my order.

I have been a customer for many years only ordering things like cooking appliances, once a fire pit ... such things ever so often. My payment has always been small ... I faithfully always paid it each month.

I decided I would call and see if possible I could order both the glider and ... the canopy! I kept telling myself that was too much to ask for ... then, I told myself I could ask and if they didn't approve ... it was okay. 

I knew I wanted the canopy more because the summers are brutal here now. 

Skip takes much longer to walk with my help from the house to the pickup. In the very hot sunshine that's not good for him. He also, can't see well now ... the bright light blinds him more.

I placed my call to Montgomery Ward ... talked with the lady. Not only could I order the canopy ... she said I was approved to order the glider chairs! I was so happy!

Oh my! After the call I sat there very much in a happy shock. My imagination began to play again ... I could see in my mind's eye us enjoying sitting in the glider chairs just gently rocking ... back ... forward ... back ... forward!

Not only that ... whenever coming out of the house ... Skip and I could have shade to shield us from the hot, summer sun! It takes some time for us to walk a short way to get in the pickup. Skip can't walk well ... the stroke affected his right side ... arthritis plays havoc on his knees.

I know this sounds silly to you who don't have a tight budget ... I used to never have to worry about the price of things either. 

When I tell these things in my life ... I hope it can not only give you entertainment... a good laugh if you feel you need to ... or inspiration ... hope ... know even if Life goes on ... you can too.

I know I will be in debt forever ... if I'm allowed these little luxuries now ... it's worth it. 

It's worth trying to make life better for Skip ... and of course,  myself. Now ... is what matters to make things better for Skip ... now, at this time. 

I will take care of ME at another time ... when it's time to. For now ... I make our life about Skip and about Miss Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Camie. They both need ME to do that. I am, I will do all in my power to.

Well ... I decided to open the glider chair box ... it was very heavy. I couldn't wait to take the glider chairs out! 

In my mind I knew magically they'd come out looking like the picture! In my mind ... I would be sitting in one of those chairs in just a few minutes!

It wasn't to be! Oh my! Look at my photos and you will see ... it was all in little pieces! I recognized the two chairs ... the rest was a big package with a million screws, nuts, washers ... plastic pieces ...and metal bars to be put together... making the glider chairs! Oh my, my, My!

I sat down on the ground ... took the instruction sheet to try to make sense of it. Oh my, My, My.

All those lines, diagrams and such! OH MY, MY, MY!!!

OH MY!

OH MY ... I wouldn't be sitting in one of those glider chairs no time soon! I felt like a balloon ... deflated, all my joy just drifted away!

Well ... we know GLORIA ... when she is up against the wall ... backed into a corner... held down. It may take a while ... while it seems nothing is happening ... something IS happening... on the inside.

I sat looking at all the gibberish on the instructions thinking I need to ... have to get this chair thing put together somehow. 

I'd been promising Skip we would be be 'gliding' in those chairs! AND ... my mind said ... 'we WILL be gliding in those chairs one way or the other!'

The next thing I knew I had picked up the package full of a million screws and what not. OH MY! I got past the OH MY! and began to work. 

I am the greatest improviser since we began to live a different lifestyle ... OH YES! We were going to be gliding in those chairs one way or the other.

I bruised my hand ... damn! That hurt! That's all it took to set ME into motion. Anger at the mess before me... not knowing if I could make gliding chairs out of all those bars, screws and what not. Anger fueled ME ... pulling out my fighting spirit.

OH YES ...not OH MY anymore! Skip and I are going to one way or other have us a gliding chair. 

I was ready to improvise ... build the chairs as best I could ... just be sure to tighten all very good with the little wrench, and alum wrench included in that package of a million screws and what not. I didn't dare want us to fall out on the ground!

I began working, focusing, concentrating ... I began to see light ... my hands began to work with my mind as the diagrams began opening their big secrets!

Several hours later ... some tears ... cuss words ... a few bruises ... something miraculous happened! 

OH MY, MY, MY and a double OH MY, MY, MY! What is before ME?!!!

Beautiful gliding chairs, glass table ... all were magically assembled ... Oh MY, MY, MY! with my own very two aching, hurting hands! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

Guess who went 'gliding' in those chairs? Yes! Skip and I were just a gliding in our new gliding chairs! OH MY ... OH ... OH MY, MY, MY!

Tommy M Sidden