A Simple Little Act of Survival ... You Sure Can't Do It For The Other

A Simple Little Act of Survival ... You Sure Can't Do It For The Other

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates

NOVEMBER 4, 2022 10:23AM CST

Last night I got into a mood I rarely get in ... that is wanting to look at my photos. I always steer away from looking at photos. Why? Because my photos hold a lot of pain ... all my dearest loved ones almost are gone, including my only child. I'm careful looking at them to protect my Heart. I look mostly at photos of myself ... again ... I'm careful thinking about them. I am sure I'm not the only person who is like this. So many of us know what causes us pain, grief ... take steps to protect our Hearts. It has nothing to do with being pitied, or felt sorry for at all. It is simply a little act of survival ... that only we know well if we are ... that person. We all walk our different roads on our Life Journey ... some roads aren't all pleasant. I don't go back on those roads in my mind ... the only way I would is if I'm writing and my thoughts have to go there for a few moments. I go there ... feel enough, see enough to write in detail whatever I'm writing ... I leave quickly as possible. There's no need ever to dwell in the past ... we have to live in the present ... this moment. I focus on this moment ... today ... now. As young people we tend to get stuck in the past ... what hurt us as children, young people is still fresh in our minds. I remember the torment I used to feel ... thankfully I learned to put the past where it should be ... in the past. I would let it affect my present day as a young person ... gracious, I stayed unhappy until I learned that lesson ... I learned to ... let go, accept that things happen I couldn't change ... Life is that way with its twists, turns. I learned to go forward ... I read self-help books that made me aware of what I was doing. Growing up I never had an adult (rarely) tell me the things you do as an adult. I learned the hard way. Thankfully ... I learned. At my age now ... I see people who never learned the Life lessons I've learned. Gracious, it makes their older life miserable, and hard. I can't tell them anything, I don't try. I find if you do volunteer information people will not like you anymore and think you are self-righteous. They never know any better ... that you aren't like that at all. They never know you cared, didn't want them to feel the pain. We all have to walk our own roads ... we sure can't do it for the other. We can't protect others from the pain we can sometimes see ahead of them. Photo of me when younger with my Basset Hound, Gloria's Garraway. It makes me sad he is gone ... see how every photo could hold sad memories. I have to think of good, positive things such as how precious he was, his cute antics, the list goes on.

Shared from my writing site: myLot.com

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT... YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT... YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

That aching hurt squeezing your heart, you feel breathless

Making it fill with such overwhelming grief from the darkness

Your eyes can't see for the blinding tears, hot.. scalding

Your body shudders with each sob you make, you can't breathe

You open your eyes and look toward Heaven, trying to see through the clouds

Oh God, please... please don't let me hurt so much, how can I bear this?

I don't question why ...you took all my loved ones away

They're gone, I miss them.... I can't believe they are gone

Left with the memory of each and every one, I knew and loved them with my heart

My son, Tommy, my only child, I loved him with my very heart, my life... this death almost ... took my life... Tommy!

My mom, my beautiful mother, who tried so hard

My Grandma Alma, who was my second mother, my precious grandma

Igel, who was my friend, my second mother, taught me so much, I loved her, I see her blue, twinkling eyes and red hair... sunshine

My Grandmother Lola who also, tried to protect me

My father who was afraid to love me, or... maybe he hated me

My Aunt Patsy whom I loved with my heart, she died when I didn't know I was in the world... I was fighting for my own life then

My only grandfather I ever knew, George.. who loved everyone

My step-mother who manipulated, though I still cared for her

My cousin, Ray, who was my protector as a teenager

My cousin, Sylvia, whom I was so close to as a child

My Aunt Ruby who would come get me, save me as a young person

My Aunt Jeanette... I loved though... she was strange

My Aunt Frankie who told me as a child... when you get older you can choose what you want in your life

My friend, Cotton, whom I thought alot of

My friend, Earline

My friend, Bill

My systervan, Lena, in Sweden who meant so much to me

My systervan's husband, Hakan, friend

My brother, Rick-Rick, oh, my little brother Ricky

My Pups who lived long lives from 11-14 years old:

Miss Sadie Maye, mother Bassett Hound

Chadwick Elsworth, son Bassett Hound

Gloria's Garraway, father Bassett Hound

Fairchild, our Rottie

My cousin,Edward Lee, whom I loved and made laugh, he loved birds, he loved windchimes, his herb garden

My cousin, Jimmy, whom I loved no matter he hurt me through time, he cared even when he hurt me

The list goes on, and on... the pain, oh God... the pain makes it hard to go on, makes my mind blank... I can't remember anymore

Can you imagine losing so many loved ones in just a few years?

Can you imagine losing everything in a housefire... lucky to escape with your Pups, husband?

Can you imagine your husband out west in a tractor-trailer accident almost losing his life.... only to come home and almost lose it again when a woman ran a stop sign hitting him? Or a few weeks later on his way to physical therapy... a police chase (a bank robber) almost broadsided him as he went through stoplight only a little ways from the physical therapist office?

Can you imagine being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, fighting the battle of your life only to begin battling again...

To go into congested heart failure, almost die again?

Battling again to help save your husband's life because he's been diagnosed with colon cancer? All in a matter of 3 years....

To lose the special bond with my grandson

To not have a bond with my granddaughter

To not ever know my grandchildren... I have let go, I have let go

The list goes on, and on.........

How have I kept from becoming bitter, angry, filled with rage in my heart?

Why do I still struggle to be a good person?

Why don't I just hate everyone, everything? Why don't I go outside and scream to the heavens above... God, why did you do this to me?

Why do I just sit here and weep silently inside, trying not to feel anger at anyone, anything... though I do feel some anger..

The pain, grief is bigger than I am... why don't I just split apart in agony?

Because....

I 'know' in my heart that ...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I know that no matter how many times I ask 'why'... I'm not going to get an answer

I 'know' that I have to accept, let go the things that try to torture, cause me pain 'inside'

Because....

I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright.

I don't know how I 'know'... but, I do. I don't know how I kept finding my way back each time I was thrown in that world of darkness... but, I do know... Skip, our Pups... kept pulling me back to 'now'

These are only a few of the things that have caused me such grief words can't even begin to express... there are so many more

I was sitting here thinking, trying to remember 'why' am I feeling so much pain, grief this weekend........ I think the holidays contributed

Subconsciously... I wonder if all the memories from the past are trying to compete with each other to come to the surface... and what happens is that there are so many memories through the years with each loved one..... it's impossible to remember consciously all of them... but, subconsciously ...you do remember

The pain, the overwhelming grief.... to see me you would not know that you are looking at a human form... filled with such hurt, pain

I'm like a rag doll that's filled with soft, downy material.... only my filling is...... pure reality, pure grief, pure pain

How can I sit here and smile gently, feel calm again no matter my eyes are weak, burn from crying... how do I sit here no longer angry, mad at the world, no longer wanting to hate, to strike out in anger?

Because.... I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I just know somehow, some way everything is going to be alright.

I have a heart of gold, and there's lots of love in it... it's not filled with hate, bitterness... I know life is like this. I know that all taken away from me in my life doesn't usually happen in such numbers in the 'normal, everyday' person's life.

So far... I'm still going forward... I'm bearing it all... if you ever see sadness in my eyes just know ... it's okay... everything is going to be alright ... wait alittle bit, look again... you'll see a smile

I was thinking of something about God never giving one more than they can bear... I didn't know I could bear all of this... when Tommy died... I almost didn't

I found strength each time... I honestly didn't know I had. Where in the world did it come from? I'm so glad. I'm glad to be here in this world where though there's so much pain... I 'know' that everything ... really is going to be alright.