DIAMOND TEARS AND COLORFUL RAINBOWS...

DIAMOND TEARS AND COLORFUL RAINBOWS...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

I was looking at photos, reading yesterday when... I stopped and just sat looking... wondering 'why' one photo had my attention.

It came to me... I was looking at a rainbow and it looked like the one I saw through my tears... at the funeral home. I remember walking outside and I heard someone say 'look! there's a rainbow'!

I remember looking at the sky and seeing through my numbness, shock ...a beautiful rainbow that shimmered through the tears in my eyes. I blinked my eyes and my tears sparkled like diamonds, making that rainbow forever a part of 'me'... in my memory.

It was the second rainbow I saw through my tears... when my mom died... and this one... when Tommy died. I was like in another world... seeing both. It was so ... strange... so beautiful.

Today I was in my art room, organizing things when I became aware that ... I was crying. I had moved Tommy's chest and the photo I have of him smiling that precious 'Tommy' smile ... I always keep that photo sitting on top of his chest.

I was crying softly and didn't even know it.. it's strange to 'find yourself crying'. It hurts so much ... I'm doing it now. I never knew I would cry so much in my life.

I was thinking just for a moment when I moved his chest to dust it... I wonder if I can open it. I opened it just a tiny crack to slip a photo of Taban in it... I couldn't open it any farther. I wonder 'why I'm not strong enough'? It's just a simple action... you just lift the lid up... simple as that.

I have to say truthfully, even though I know... yes, I really know it isn't possible ... I wish so much my son was living. I wish so much to hear his familiar voice, his laugh... to see the twinkle in his eyes... to hear his 'cowardly lion' laugh that used to put me in hysterics... I would laugh so much.

I loved hearing him do impression of Billy Bob Thorton. Do you know it still seems like it was 'just yesterday' I was talking to him? 'Just yesterday'... I hugged him goodbye...I watched him drive down the driveway, grinning... waving to me. I didn't know we were waving... for the last time. I just didn't know that....

I can never look at a rainbow without thinking of him... I see it through my tears because I feel pain when I do. I think of my mom, too.

Seeing rainbows through my tears... happy colors with a shimmery, clear veil of my tears. I remember when I used to look at them without tears... those days are gone.

Diamond tears and colorful rainbows... how sad and beautiful the two are... how so sad and beautiful they are.