AS A MOTHER...

AS A MOTHER......

I am sitting here in such thought... this month of May is when Tommy died... I can't forget that no more than I can quit breathing to live. I so, wish I was perfect and didn't feel mean and hateful feelings ... ever. I'm so sorry that I feel such emotions... I wish I could turn them off.

When I 'really think deeply'.... 'no, I don't hate you who 'were closest' to Tommy. I do still get angry though... think about it... you have children and you get angry when someone mistreats them, or is harsh to them... you get angry because...  being the child's mother... it's a 'mother's protective instinct'... it kicks in.

No matter that a mother's child ...of course, isn't at all perfect... but, neither are you, the people who have been, were in that mother's child's life. You, as a mother, are going to suffer 'just as your child suffers'.... 'a mother feels almost the same pain' as her child when he is suffering. She cries, she's sick inside when something bad happens to her child... she can't rest until her child is alright again.

All you have to do is to think about your precious children... think about how naturally angry you've been when someone in the past ever made them cry, hurt them.... as a mother you are 'ready to kick ass' (you know you are!)... you are ready to 'fight a bear'... I'm no different. When 'mothers truly love their children'... they will 'walk through hell' for them..... I was no different... it didn't matter who got mad, hated me... for being Tommy's mother.  I have walked 'through hell' for him... many times.

Some mothers make a scene, some scream and cry, some act very ugly.... I don't. I stay very ...quiet, and I watch, listen, and even care.... even love... while I think about things, even while I'm .... very angry. I don't make a scene, nor do I scream, cry and act ugly... 'but, you know I'm there'. I just continue to act very nice... the nicer, the more angry and upset I am/was... when you hurt my child.

See... not only 'as Tommy's mother'... and battling the grief in my heart... I have to 'battle my thoughts, feelings' of... 'you' all... who hurt my son's heart. I will win it because, truly I am a good person .... a good person who has held some most terrible feelings, anger toward... you. 'You' being ... the ones who come here to read, hoping to gain attention in your personal life to get sympathy, pity, whatever the 'reward' is... 'you' ...being just curious, wondering what I'm writing and if I'll mention you by name... I won't.

That's because... I don't have to... 'you' know who you are. I am writing about 'my life'... and 'if you were in it to cause me grief, happiness, upset, treated me wrong, treated me good, hurt me'... I will write about it not to hurt 'you', but, to tell my story of my life.

I will say in all fairness that 'we all have as younger people looked bad, acted bad, did bad things at one time or other'... but... it helped to shape us into 'good' people we are today. I will say this, too..... when 'you are already a pretty good person' which 'I know 'you' all ...are ...that I'm writing about at this moment'.... as you get older you will 'see and understand' better... you appeared to be 'bad' when you really didn't want to.... didn't mean to.... but, that's where you were at that point in life... time brings us forward... to be either be for-real 'good'.... or for-real 'bad'..... in my mind, I 'know you all'... are for-real 'good'... to begin with.

Sometimes... you 'act bad' to prove love, loyalty ...to the ones in your life... younger people tend to do this to 'prove their love'. What's sad though... is when you are older, you will see 'what a waste of time'.... 'love isn't really supposed to be like that'... especially when 'good people who only want the best for you, your children... who love you... if need be... would 'walk through hell for you and your children'... just as they would for their own child.... because they are all 'a part of each other'.

When you are older, you will see that when you really love people, you accept them as they are... and go on with life, they will accept you and go on with their life... too. Love is never stingy... it's never-ending and there's always enough to go around when...... that's all that is in your heart.

The sad thing is that 'as a mother'.... my heart that loves has alot of negative feelings to deal with, to put away... God, I wish I was perfect. I really tried to be once.... it takes a bigger person than I've ever known in my life... and I've known some big people who are truly... good. 

As a mother... I'll re-phrase this .... I 'used to be a mother'... I don't know 'what to call me now'.... really, what do you call a mother when she no longer has her child? What do you call her? You call a husband or wife who loses their spouse .... widow, widower.... what do you call a mother who no longer has her child? Think about it... I'm in confusion 'as to what I am' .... now.

As a mother 'who used to be a mother'.... of a child who died at the age of 40... just remember that no matter how old your child gets to be.... you will still feel every powerful emotion you read here. As a mother, you will feel 'so much more' than I could possibly find words for.

As a mother... who once was a mother... or whatever I am, now.... if you lose your child, only then... can you 'know'. If you haven't lost a child, read and really 'see, feel' inside yourself.... just doing that.... hurts so bad, doesn't it?

As a mother, as a 'real' person.... when I write, I feel I have to apologize for feeling 'bad' thoughts. To write to be 'real'... I have read that I need to keep writing what I feel, to not apologize as this is 'my story', I can write it as I want to.

Well, that's very true.... my 'bad self' sometimes wants to 'strike out'... to hurt people back. My 'good' self... which is so much more good than bad!..... wants to forgive, love, care and not be 'mean'. So... all I can say is... I will do the best I can ... I will still be 'real'.... and I never mean to 'hurt you all'... that used to be in my son's life. 'You'... being the ones who 'personally feel anything here... and 'know' ...... it's 'You'.

As a mother ... I will write my story without apologies, I never mean to hurt 'you all'... I really love and care about 'you all'. I'm always 'here'.... one day you will need me, I'm 'here' for 'you all'. I will say that I will apologize if I've hurt you no matter, I am hurt .... too. I apologize, I don't apologize, I apologize.... I'm just a real person.... 'you' will recognize it as.... you are a 'real' person, too.

Now... as a mother (I used to be one).... I will go on writing about my life. For a few moments... I had to stop because 'I felt' ..... I needed to write the above. For the moment... I don't know what I am.... I do know this..... I'm a 'grieving mother'... I do know that ... in 9 days is the 2nd anniversary of my son's death.... I do know that .... it just hurts worse than anything I've ever known. I just wonder this....

I wonder if I'm a typical 'grieving mother'... do mothers grieve without 'mean or bad thoughts' at all? Do mothers who lose their only child.... hurt like this? Do they feel anger sometimes? Am I the only one who is like this? How do I know... I haven't talked in depth with a 'grieving mother'.... just when I was deathly ill fighting for my life.... I had to learn how to fight on my own...my 'Gloria way'... there was no one to talk to about to 'know what to do'. I was too deathly ill to watch to know what to do.

I can only do the best I can... making mistakes all the time, but... getting back up, not giving up. The only time I couldn't get back up was when I became a 'grieving mother'... Skip had to help me up that time... I didn't have the strength or the fight anymore... I gave up for once in my life. Skip and our Pups... my lifesavers. No one else came to help me. That has been the only time I truly 'quit, gave up' in my entire life.

I have been sitting here thinking, writing.... real feelings, not the kind you expect when someone is writing to impress you with how smart, how well they write... how good they are doing in surviving the death of a child. I don't write to impress anyone... I write because... I have to.

I write real feelings... that's me, Gloria/Granny Gee. I write hoping to learn 'what I am now, without my son, my baby, my only child'. I write because this is my only outlet for 'talking' as... I can't just sit and 'talk to someone'... I don't want to hurt or make them sad, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or ...to do.

I write what I wish I could find on the internet... I write 'how it honestly feels to be a grieving mother'. No matter how happy, colorful my life can be ..now........... being a grieving mother is just under the surface... it's always there. You won't really know it if I can possibly help it... I won't hurt or make you uncomfortable. Seeing me in public... you will most often see a genuine smile for you, a 'I'm glad to see you!' smile.

You will hear me try to make you laugh, or talk with you about lots of things... I don't think I let anyone 'see' my pain. Not everyone even knows my son is gone... there are still lots of people who don't know... I don't just tell them.... I don't want to talk about it... in person. One can read here if interested... in how I really feel, if they want to know anything. I can only mention Tommy when saying a couple of things about him... and then, I have to stop and go to something else. I can't just talk about him... in person... but, maybe sometimes ..just for a moment or two. I am knowing inside that .... I have to stop now.

Words, words .... I write. They are describing all sorts of emotion in my heart... if you read all of them... it's amazing to me. I will keep writing more words... until the day I die. I'm so thankful for this place to talk about my feelings where no one looks at me while I do.... a 'private' place though... most public to the ones who care to keep reading. I'm so amazed at the people who are traveling with me on this writing journey... have I stopped lately to say.....

I appreciate each and every one of you, you all mean the very world to me. The emails, the comments no one else ever sees or knows about... mean so much more than I can possibly say... and not only that... I welcome hearing from anyone. I'm always amazed when I look at my email and read... how special it is to hear from so many of you! I just needed to stop to tell you all.... or you would never know it.

Thank-you for being 'there' for me. Thank-you for caring about a grieving mother who can also, be happy and is going forward in a positive way. I'm doing it in my 'Gloria way'... I know I'm not perfect, and I know my writing is just 'Gloria's style' of writing... just as I have my 'Gloria's way of drawing/painting'... it's all real, and it's the best... I can do. I appreciate you all with my heart.

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :))) You all mean the world to me... I know no words to tell you all... just how much!

EACH OF YOU ADD YOUR SUNSHINE... YOUR LIGHT TO THE PATH I'M ON NOW

EACH OF YOU ADD YOUR SUNSHINE... YOUR LIGHT TO THE PATH I'M ON NOW


BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES
aka  GRANNY GEE

You know how it is when a thought/thoughts get stuck in your mind.  They come suddenly, don't leave suddenly.

I was thinking about ... 'after Tommy died'... a letter I read.  There were several sentences about me in the letter.  It wasn't written to be unkind toward me, but... I thought to myself when I read it ...about 'how easy' it is to 'just say nonchalantly' such things... when you've never lost a child.

It's true that what was written ...does happen to people.  It is like when these words are said... the person they are said about... is 'written off to not being any good anymore... their mind will be gone for always'. 

You know what I mean... like in the past people used to say that if a woman has a hysterectomy, her mind will be gone, she'll be 'crazy' the rest of her life.  After that... she's never taken seriously again because 'now'... one 'knows she's not right'.  Well... most of us know that ...that's not true at all.  Sure, some people are different later... but, not as a general rule. 

You've seen people like me lose their child, only child, children.  Some of you have experienced that so, you are careful how you say things because... 'you' know how it feels, you know that terrible grief that stays in your heart, day after day, year after year... the rest of your life.

You do get much better, because we all want to go forward in our lives.  We have loved ones that we are a part of... they need us.  In my case... I have Skip and our Pups... they need me.  We do get better, even though we 'hurt at the same time'. 

We learn to not let that pain through time... dominate our lives so, we can be 'normal, happy'... again.  This is a very hard thing to accomplish.  I feel I have passed the 'danger point'... and I'm normal, happy again.  I still have the grief 'inside' in its own place, sometimes it does 'overwhelm' me.

The words I read were something like this..... 'Gloria's lost her son, Tommy, now... she'll probably never be the same again, it'll do something to her mind'......she won't be able to function now... as a person ever again... mentally... 'she's gone'.

Strange how this thought came to me this morning... I thought about it alot.  Truthfully... I can look back and 'see back then'.........

Yes, it did do something to my mind for a long time... if it wasn't for Skip... I may have 'stayed in my mind back then'.  I wouldn't have been able to come out of that... no, not from the death of my son.  I couldn't have found my way back... I couldn't see for that black darkness.

I can 'see how' a mother who loses her child... can become lost 'in her mind' and 'never be right again mentally'.  I did 'go there in my mind'... if there's no one to reach her and 'pull her back'... she might not be able to come back... ever again.

Imagine being lost in the forest in the blackest of nights, no moonlight to guide you... no sounds, only this most terrible grief inside your mind, you are by yourself.... you have 'nowhere to go to get away from the pain... it stays right with you... killing something inside you... you aren't aware of time. 

You aren't aware of anyone around... you can sense them.  You want to get to them... but, you keep stumbling, tripping, falling to only keep getting back up... to try again.  Finally... you 'give up'... you are so 'lost' ... now............ nothing is important anymore..................unless...........

Like me... I 'knew' Skip was there and he wasn't letting me go anywhere without a fight.  Pure love, pure caring ... found me.  The sounds of his voice, the sounds of our Pups... feeling them lick me :))) ... began to make me aware of them ... again. 

Light began 'reaching me' on that dark path, it seemed to take forever to try to get to it... I would fall down, fall down again, and again... crying, sobbing from the pain in my heart.  I wanted to 'come back' to ... my world to Skip who cared for me with his very heart, our Pups who loved me.  They are all I have in this world, this whole wide world.


There were people who pretended to care... it was mostly curiosity to 'see how bad Gloria is taking the loss of Tommy'... it was something they could talk about to make conversations more interesting.  I know mothers who have lost children... know exactly what I am talking about.  People sometimes 'think you won't remember things they say... do'... if and when 'you become yourself again'.  It's the same when you are a little child... people don't think that child will remember things when they get older.

This is the second Easter without Tommy... next month on the 29th will make 2 years he has been gone.  I have to sit here and remember... it's so hard to 'look back'.  That's why it's so important 'to go forward, try not to look back any longer than you have to'.  It makes me think of something that happened to me once....

In the mountains when I lived there, I went swimming with a group of people.  I couldn't swim, but... I could float.  I remember being told to 'just float on across that drop-off in the water, if something happens to you, I'll save you'....

I did just that, trusting 'I'd be saved' if something would happen... I did it not looking back until.... I got 'over that drop-off in the water that was over my head'... I began to panic, soon I was fighting for my life!

The person who told me to 'float, if something happens, I'll save you'.... began talking to the people on the shore and 'forgot me'.  I began drowning, fighting to live ... to come back from that darkness, that water where I could no longer breathe, I was dying..... until strong arms pulled me out of the water.  This is alot like what Skip did when I was in that 'sea of grief'... he was my lifesaver.

When I 'look back and know I'm back then'... I begin to panic, and become overwhelmed by the pain.  I try to just keep going forward... you, my readers, my friends, few family members who have been with me this whole time... are a witness to this.  You 'see me fall', you know it in my words, my thoughts  You see me work so hard to keep growing, going forward in a positive way... no matter how bad it hurts.

Skip, my Pups, my readers and friends, my few family members .... are so important to me.  You see... each of you add your sunshine, your light to the path I'm on now.  You all light my path so, I can keep going... you help me not to be afraid, you keep the darkness away from me.  I still stumble...  but, you all are there.  It means my whole world.

You all mean the world to me...   Love, Granny Gee