I'D LIKE TO BE THAT TREE...

I'D LIKE TO BE THAT TREE...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     aka  GRANNY GEE

I was in Henderson, NC today on an errand.  I had been watching the clouds of pollen blowing in the wind on my drive there.  I turned off Hwy. 1 north to go to my destination... I was going to see my friend.

I was looking at homes, yards... I always hope to see a new idea to do something fun in our yard.  My attention was drawn to a beautiful, old tree.

It stood there so gracefully.... draped in purple wisteria.  I could almost imagine it being a dress with a rope of freshwater pearls.  How beautiful that tree was!  The thought came to my mind... if I were a tree.... I'd want to be that tree. 

Tonight as I sit here, I look at that tree in my mind... it stood out to me and made an impression on me.  Just that one tree that stood there like a grand lady in an old-fashioned long dress, a gown with her beautiful pearls.  I wonder... have you ever imagined such when .... looking at a tree?  Did you ever think about which tree you'd like to be... if you were a tree? 

THAT SHOPPING CART HAD A MIND OF ITS OWN... EDNA

THAT SHOPPING CART HAD A MIND OF ITS OWN...  EDNA

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES....  aka  GRANNY GEE                                

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

I went into Family Dollar Store when I finished my walk in the parking lot this morning.  I shopped for dog food in cans, a big bag to make do until we go to Sam's Club.

I found a 20 lb. bag of Gravy Train, with beef..liver.. chicken.  I, also, chose several flavors of Mighty Dog  in canned food.  I decided I would push the shopping cart across the parking lot to Skip's pickup when I came out.  It just gave me more steps for my day's walk.

I was overcome by an uncomfortable memory trying to surface in my mind... it was like the sun going in behind a cloud.  It came to surface as I opened the pickup door to put the things I'd purchased ...inside.

When I was fourteen, living with my mother... remember the room of empty bottles with the green colored liquid?  My mind was taken back to 'then'.  I didn't want to think about 'then', but.... for a few moments I had to.

One day when my beautiful mother had become the 'monster'... she went to town.  I was in school that day, I walked home to find my mother in the kitchen with Edna, my friend who lived next door.  Edna was a smiling, happy girl ... she loved my mother, too.

Edna told me that my mother had went to town into a store and purchased alot of groceries (my mother had been 'taking her medicine' and anyone would have thought she'd been drinking).  Edna told me she saw my mother walking down the sidewalk on Main Street... she began laughing as she told me that my mother had hit a bump in the sidewalk with the cart....she told me how my mom wasn't walking very 'stable'.... she and my mother began laughing as Edna told me what happened.

That shopping cart came out of my mother's hands, began to roll with a mind of its own!  It hit another bump... turned over.  Canned food was rolling out in the street, down the sidewalk!  My mother was doing the best she could to 'capture' those cans!  Edna said my mom was 'all down there trying to pick up those cans'!

Edna ran to help my mother, laughing as she ran here, there ... to scoop up cans of food.  She helped my mother to put all back into her shopping cart.  She even walked with my mother back home, pushing that shopping cart!  Edna always laughed to make things happier.  This time when my mother became the 'monster'.... she was a 'good monster'..... this time.  Edna made it all better!

'Why'...  my mom went to town, loaded a shopping cart full of groceries, to then.... walk home pushing that cart.... I never knew.  I did know that when Edna told me what she did to help my mom, to have the nerve to walk in public to help my mom get home safely......... it meant the world to me.  I've loved her to this day .... though I never see her.  I hope one day she reads this story, so... she can see how her kindness as a young girl affected me.

This is the memory that pushed its way into my mind this morning as I walked with the red shopping cart to Skip's black pickup.  It didn't feel good to remember that.... though I will say this.... thinking of Edna with her happy self... making that day better for my mother, myself... 'back then'.... meant everything to me. 

Thinking about Edna.... made me smile.  I won't ever forget her.  I can 'see her twinkling brown eyes' in my mind.  Such a kind person as a young girl... I bet you've been a kind person in your 'grown up' life.  I hope you've had a wonderful life, Edna.  I would love to see you.  :)))

SHEA DIDN'T KNOW POTATOES GREW IN THE GARDEN, MILK CAME FROM A COW ...PART 9

SHEA DIDN'T KNOW POTATOES GREW IN THE GARDEN, MILK CAME FROM A COW              PART 9...

　

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

For hours Shea had been at Anthony's mother's house. She was so tired and wanted to go home. Anthony had done it again... he had brought her here, slipped off to do 'God knows what'...

Shea was tired of him doing that to her. He'd bring her to his parents' home, wait until the perfect moment when Shea was absorbed in something his mother or father was doing, saying... Anthony would slip off leaving her for hours.

It was so easy to become engrossed in listening, watching something Anthony's parents said, or did. They were very interesting people, they knew so much young Shea didn't know, or even realize. She loved to be around them. Also, Anthony's mother was the best cook in the world. Shea would help to wash, dry dishes after eating.

Anthony's mother had to wash dishes in hot water from being boiled on a wood heater. She had to go outside to get water to bring it inside. His father had never gotten around to getting inside plumbing in their home. He never did get around to it all the years Shea knew him.

Anthony's mother milked a cow every morning, every evening. Shea had never seen such in her life, it was wonderful to learn, see all the new things she learned living in the mountains. It took many years for her to learn that these hard-working people had to go through alot to live day to day. Things Shea had grown up knowing, taking for granted... these people didn't have them. Anthony's father could have made it so much easier on Anthony's mother... for some reason, he never did.

Shea loved Anthony's sister, younger brother who lived at home. She looked up to her, it was fun to laugh, talk with her. She had a good sense of humor. Anthony's younger brother was very shy. He had an older sister who was married and lived five miles away. Shea liked her, too.

What are you all doing? Shea saw everyone out in the huge garden, she saw things laying everywhere... all about the same size. What are those things? They were potatoes! Shea was so amazed... she never knew where potatoes come from... these potatoes came from the earth! Anthony's father had plowed them up, unharmed. Now...they were picking them all up to store in the cellar. Shea just was so fascinated, this was like what she'd read in books!

Shea wanted to help get those wonderful potatoes up! It was like being on a giant Easter egg hunt... she gathered so many of those potatoes up. She ran fast gathering them, laughing.. talking the whole time. Needless to say, they loved for Shea to come when it was time to pick up potatoes! To her it was a game, to them... it was hard work. Shea couldn't see that at her young age... and it was a novelty to her!

Shea thinks about the times she picked those potatoes up... they were all big, nice potatoes. She learned where potatoes came from, and how 'so, so many potatoes'... could possibly 'be'. She learned that milk came from a cow, she watched the cow being gently milked, petted, spoke to softly. She never knew such things. She just knew the potatoes 'just was', and knew that the milkman came often, leaving glass bottles of milk... later, milk in cartons.

Shea also, heard that alot of kids' mothers didn't only like milk, but... that they liked the milkman.... too. :)))

SHEA TRIES TO PLEASE ANTHONY... PART 8

SHEA TRIES TO PLEASE ANTHONY... PART 8

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

Shea had on old clothes that didn't matter if she tore, or got them dirty. She could just throw them away if needed. She had an idea... she was going to do something she'd never done before. She was going to surprise Anthony by doing some work he dreaded, hadn't gotten around to... yet.

She walked outside to the driveway behind the building that she learned was called a 'grainery'. Actually to Shea, it was just a building they'd had built to put things in... later... it became her 'art room' for a time. The building itself, was very nice.

Anthony was digging by hand a basement underneath it... when all the dirt was taken out... then, the walls would be completed. There was a huge pile of red dirt where Anthony had worked hard to dig out.

Shea had been eyeing that huge pile of dirt thinking if she would dare to try and move it all... she didn't know if she could move one wheel barrel load. She wanted to take the dread from Anthony so, he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

Wheel barrel five, six....................... ten, eleven............... seventeen! Shea was almost 'walking into the ground', she was so tired. She couldn't believe the work she had done! She'd loaded with the shovel... seventeen wheel barrels of red dirt, moved it to where Anthony wanted to put it... and now... she was finished.

She sat down on the bank to look at what she'd done... she couldn't believe she'd shoveled seventeen wheel barrels of red dirt. She felt it in her arms, shoulders... they were on fire, burning with such pain. Her legs, feet hurt... she was the most tired she'd ever been.

That evening when Anthony came in, he never mentioned that the huge pile of dirt was gone... Shea waited to see if he'd be happy that it was gone, and he wouldn't have to worry about it. Shea waited to see him smile, be happy and surprised.

He never smiled, showed happiness that evening... he'd never noticed. He'd driven into the driveway, drove out to the garage passing the grainery, the big pile of red dirt... without noticing it was gone.

Shea just casually mentioned that all the dirt was gone... she saw a smile ...'then'. It no longer mattered to her... she wanted to bring happiness in a 'surprised sort of way'... it didn't happen. Anthony was like that. No matter what she did, it was like it was no 'big thing'.

One day Shea went out to the garage ... just on the other side was alot of boards that needed stacking up in neat stacks. She'd heard Anthony say that he wanted to lay the boards in a 'triangle'... then, continue to stack them up.... making stacks until the boards ran out.

She stood there and wondered if Anthony would appreciate, know, notice if she did that for him. All Shea wanted to do was to please Anthony, let him know with her actions how much she cared about him. Nothing seemed to make a difference. Shea only learned how much she was loved whenever.... she tried to leave Anthony, and go back home to Raleigh, NC.

The next thing Shea knew... was that she was standing there admiring all the hard work she had done... there were many stacks of boards all in a 'triangle' shape. They looked so pretty like that! She liked looking at them. She knew after shoveling, moving all that red dirt that she could do this, too. Did it... she did!

That night when Anthony came home, he drove right by the stacks of wood. She knew he saw them... but, when he came inside he never gave her any indication that he had. Damn him! Shea thought. Just damn him to hell! She'd worked her ass off to take work off his shoulders, to surprise him........ he never noticed a 'damn-ass' ...thing!

Shea was angry. She couldn't win for losing. She'd think she was doing good, she did things her small body shouldn't be doing... for a man to make him happy. She was sick of it, and it'd be a 'cold day in hell' before she did that again. Man's work! She was tired of doing 'man's work' to make a man ...happy.

The day that Shea cried over these two incidents was when the third one happened. This time Anthony 'told her' to do something... the 'something' wasn't a big thing.... yet, it was how, where, and who he did it in front of.

She had been begging Anthony to take her to Raleigh to see her mother, her family. She was so homesick, she just wanted to be around people she loved dearly. They did seem glad to see her when she came... her first cousins would run up to her and instead of hugging her, they would begin asking her ...... for money.

She tried not to hear that and hoped Anthony wouldn't either... she hoped he'd see them running up to her... think how much they must love her. Anthony... heard them always... he always commented on it saying they didn't love her... they just wanted money. This hurt Shea to her heart... she loved them dearly, though they didn't seem to love her back in the same way... her 'family'.

When she'd beg Anthony to take her... he couldn't wait to throw this in her face to make her quit asking him to 'take her home' to see everyone. This time she didn't quit asking... she wanted to see her mama, her two little brothers. It didn't matter what Anthony thought.

She hadn't had her license long enough to drive very far, much less 200 miles, 4 hours alone... to go to her mom's. She was going to learn though... she had so much to learn... she was just a young girl. How naive she was......... it would take years to get to look back... and 'see'.

Shea sits 'in the future'... with a sad, bittersweet smile on her face... she gently shakes her head, closes her eyes. Poor little, naive 'dumb' girl... no one taught her anything as a child... she always learned the 'hard' way.

That day Anthony and Shea drove over to his mother's home to visit. He just had to drive a mile whenever he wanted to see his mom. Shea had come to love his mother, also. His mother had beautiful red hair, twinkling blue eyes ... she was quick to smile. She also, had the gift of gab... she loved to talk... Shea loved her accent. Shea didn't know she'd come to love this woman as much as her own mother.

During the conversation Shea mentioned to Anthony that she hoped he'd take her to see her mother soon. Anthony looked at her for a moment, then he said ..... 'go outside and wash the car, both inside and out'. Shea sat there stunned, staring at Anthony. She heard his mother make a sound.

'Anthony, don't make her go outside in this cold weather to wash that car with cold water'! His mother went on to tell him that he shouldn't do Shea like that, it wasn't right. Anthony sat there with a smile on his face... he wasn't changing his mind. He'd only take Shea to see her mother if she did as she was told.

Her small hands were freezing, God that water was so cold! She scrubbed the car with a soapy rag, she scrubbed the tires. It was always clean but, if you missed a place... Anthony would notice.

She was shaking from the cold, she wanted to be inside with Anthony and his mother who were sitting by the wood stove... staying warm. Anthony never came outside to check on her. Hot tears were in her eyes as her cold hands washed, rinsed that car. She cleaned the inside... it was clean but, she still had to 'clean it'.

She put the hose away, emptied the bucket she'd been using... dreaded squeezing out that cold rag... her hands, fingers hurt so bad. She managed to do it, making a soft, crying sound... she made herself stop crying before she broke down.

Shea went inside... the warmth inside caused her great pain. She was just so cold, she was trembling. She put her cold, water-soaked hands over that wood heater... almost crying for the pain that she felt when 'the heat met the coldness' in her hands. It caused a 'storm of pain, hurt' in Shea's heart.

Anthony had been cruel to make her do that... he was just sitting there with a soft expression in his eyes, and a gentle smile on his face... like it wasn't a 'big thing'. Shea took note, she never forgot..... it took many years for Shea to finally 'give up' on that marriage... she endured many things trying to keep a home for her only child. She knew how it was to come from a broken home. She ... suffered alot through those years, though she did have ...some happy, fun times.

Can we go now? Can we go now, Anthony? I want to see my mama so badly! We'll go .... next week, Shea... we'll go next week. That was Anthony's answer to her after she'd been out in that terrible cold, washing his car with cold water, feeling the ungodly pain in her hands... in her heart trying to 'earn the right' to go to see her mother! Shea was very upset, she'd never forget this... she still remembers.

That was the third incident that crushed Shea's heart... but.. it would take many, many more to 'break' her. Shea just went on with her life as it was... she did get to go see her mother the following week... her happiness outweighed what she had to endure, go through to get to go to her mom's.. Shea even 'forgot' the agony she suffered to 'earn the right' to go to see her mother. Happiness of any kind can make a person 'forget' the hurt, pain they go through... for a little while.

Shea never washed that car again... she 'meant not to ever again'. When Shea 'meant to do, or not to do'............. that was it, she'd taken a stand. She wouldn't be pushed into something when she 'meant not to'. Even being that young, she was learning to hold her ground in a 'grown-up' world. Anthony was four years older than her.

Shea went on through those fourteen years... trying to please Anthony... while he 'pleased' other people, women... sometimes with Shea within feet of him. Shea was a very young, naive little girl... she had so much to learn.

She 'couldn't see the double world in that grown-up world'... she'd never lived those things so, she wasn't aware that things weren't always what they appeared.

Such things as innocently sitting at the kitchen table playing cards with her husband, 'friends'......... Shea would play and enjoy the game ...so happy to be with people. Anthony would sit and enjoy, with the biggest of smiles, with 'their friends', too.

Shea soon learned that though it appeared the card game was making Anthony and her 'friend' so happy.... that there was a game going on... under the table. Shea was so naive, so innocent... in a grown-up world.

Sometimes when visiting, Shea was made to sit in the car. Anthony would go inside when a husband 'was gone'.... Anthony wouldn't come back out for a hour or more. Shea didn't have the nerve to go to the door to find out 'why'.... she really didn't know what went on in the 'grown-up' world. With relief, she'd see Anthony coming out of the door by himself... his face would be ... smiling. Poor little naive, innocent girl... how 'dumb' you were in the most saddest way.

Many years ... many incidents... all explained 'away' in Shea's innocent mind... giving Anthony so much credit. She loved him, he was a 'god' to her, she had her nice home, her only child... she didn't want it broken... so, she 'blinded' herself... she was blind like George.

So, Shea kept trying to please Anthony... on and on... and ... on......

WE ALL WISH FOR THINGS, WE ALL DREAM...

WE ALL WISH FOR THINGS, WE ALL DREAM...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

We all have things we wish to have in our lives. Things that are fun, happy to live with every day. Sometimes these things cost way more than the money we have. I wonder what you wish for, what you would have if you could afford all that you wanted?

Besides the most obvious, which is my love for animals and people... if I had so much money to make all my dreams come true... there would be money set aside to make the difference in their lives.

I would take money to play with, create the 'world' I would love to live in daily in my life. I would love to have such living space around me... wide-open space. Hugh, airy rooms with lots of windows, sliding doors like in the chalet we used to live in... in Virginia. I love the feel of living 'outside' on the inside.

I love to make little groupings of furniture to make a sitting place here, a lounging place there, eating.. cooking area... all out in the open.

I would love a huge bathing area with trees, mirrors, plants, tile floors and walls... shower heads in each wall, above. Also, a big... deep tub to sit back in... looking up at the sky through lots of tinted windows, seeing the stars, the moon, snow, rain. I would like to have lots of thick, white towels, wash clothes, all kinds of soaps, perfumed oils on open shelves, wicker.

I would like stone paths, walkways... lots of foliage... magical places to walk to outside. I would love big, outside areas with boardwalks to enjoy walking on, lots of outside furniture, outside kitchen... on big decks with lots of steps, sand.... blue water, mountains in the distance.

I would love to have a huge, airy artroom with all white shelves to put my colors on... lots of windows to look outside... glass doors to walk outside on a huge deck with soft, white billowy curtains blowing gently in the wind, windchimes (bamboo, of course) softly singing in the breeze. Plants, flowers, trees... papasan chairs, wicker swings and a big fountain with singing water in it.

I would love to design a study for Skip just the way he would want it... make our bedroom so peaceful, beautiful with a huge bed where we could look outside, no one could see inside... lots of airy space around the bed.

I love white... soft, soft colors in a home. I would love to design my own living area just like what I imagine in my mind. My money isn't as rich as my imagination! :))) But... I can 'see it all now'.......

What would you love to create in your world? For a moment ...think about and pretend you could do anything you want to do... really, what would you do? :)))

I WAS LUCKY BUT... WHAT 'IF'?

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES                                                                                                                                                                                                aka  GRANNY GEE

I woke up in the dark bedroom.  I was afraid... not knowing what I was afraid of at first.  I was a very frightened little girl.  My brother was still asleep.

I heard it again.  There was a sound on the window screen ... a scraping sound.  We had very nice screens over the windows... they had tiny ridges on them... one could see out, but... not in.  I laid there quietly, I held my breath.

I didn't hear it again.  I told my mama the next day... she walked around to our bedroom on the outside.... one could see where someone had stood there taking maybe a finger, or a stick to 'draw, pressing down the little ridges into curvy lines' to make the 'scraping' sounds I heard. 

That was my first memory of feeling fear when it became dark at night.  I never heard that sound again... there. 

I did hear footsteps outside my window when I was a young girl living in the mountains.  I was so naive... I had fell asleep on the couch with the tv on, curtains wide-open, and windows raised.  I froze in fear at first, jumped up to make sure the door was locked, turned the outside light on!  I ran to get the gun... and waited.  Thankfully... nothing happened.

I'd always lived in town where no one locked the doors, and at night-time everyone slept with their windows open.  I was living 14 miles from town either way living in the mountains.  It was scary at night-time ..there.  I'd never been left alone in my whole life... before.

There... I was always afraid, there were no nightlights like I was accustomed to growing up with... it was so dark at nights.  I remember one night I heard sounds outside ... I was terrified!  I was just a young girl all alone.

I grabbed my rifle after turning the lights out... I went to the door, opened it quietly, then.... slung the storm door open!  I raised my rifle and squeezed the trigger...

The storm door slammed back on me as I fired that gun straight up in the air!  Oh my God!  It hit with a force against the gun, cracking that glass right down the middle!

There was nothing I could do at the moment... so, I closed the big, wooden door and locked it.  I was shaking, my hands trembled... I felt faint.  I listened......

Just minutes later... headlights came up the driveway.  I was so afraid!  I was peeping through the curtain so, I could see who it was in the outside porch light.  Oh no!  It was a ..... deputy!  Oh, my God!  I've shot someone ...somehow.... though I shot straight up in the air.

I was so afraid!  That deputy came up on the porch and began to knock loudly!  I turned the light on inside the living room, and unlocked the door, opened it.

The deputy said 'do you know where 'so and so' lives?  I was so weak from relief when he said that!  I told him directions to where they lived. 

Strangely enough.... I never thought I could have told him I was so afraid, and that someone had been outside.  I was so used to 'fighting my own battles'... I was so used to not telling anyone anything.  I was only sixteen years old.  That didn't keep me from being ... afraid. 

Looking back through time... haven't you had times such as these... being afraid and 'knowing someone was really there!'... but, something 'saved you'?

These are times that one wonders 'what if'?  Really... what would have... or could have happened 'if'?  I might not be here now to ask this question 'if'......... whoever was 'there' ... for whatever reason wasn't deterred from their original purpose of being there in the first place. 

I was always afraid of the dark... I know 'bad' things can happen in the dark.  What 'if'?

JUST THOUGHTS... MORE THOUGHTS

JUST THOUGHTS... MORE THOUGHTS

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

The scent of alcohol was strong in my nostrils, my skin was stinging from the pain of the needle being placed in the port underneath. I didn't know how many more times I could bear this....

I felt 'like I was in another world'... I was so, so sick. I looked around me, each recliner held a person... a very sick person... just like me. My eyes were so weak, I closed them. There was so much pain here, so much grief... I sensed it. It affected me greatly. I was too weak to get up and go hold someone's hand, too weak to say a kind word.

Medicines were placed in the IV to slowly drip into my body to make it well again, to kill the cancer cells that were slowly trying to take my life. I'd been through life-saving surgery... the mass that was on my left lung resting against my heart had been removed. It had almost closed off my bronchial tube... just 'before' the surgery, I could barely walk, whisper, breathe. I was dying. I went to the 'dark' world.................

Skip worked in the office every day, he was the fleet transportation manager at the company where he worked. He would come to get me every day that I had to have chemotherapy treatments, and stay with me. Sometimes when the drivers would stay out of work, he would drive their trucks to Virginia, Maryland for them... he would still be with me at every treatment.

Skip never missed even one doctor's visit, chemotherapy treatment, tests... he took me to every one of them. He cared for me. He made sure I had any and everything I wanted, needed. Skip was a very sick man... we didn't know he was... his attention was on me... but, when he began having alot of bleeding... we knew... I was too ill to make him go to the doctor.

The woman was trying very hard to get the needle in to get a blood gas... the pain was horrible. She knew she was adding pain upon pain on me... my heart felt for her. I quietly spoke to her and told her that it's alright, we have to do what we've got to do... that I just wanted to live, I could bear the pain. As weak, sick as I was... tears were coming from my eyes when I told her... I was trying to let her know I understood it was hard for her.

That woman began crying, saying that she just couldn't hurt me any longer. She went and got another woman to take the blood gas. She told me she was so sorry for hurting me, she hugged me. She knew I didn't hold it against her. The new woman did it right away, I was so thankful. I didn't think I could take it anymore.

The nurse told me not to cry all the time... to allow myself only 15 minutes to cry all I wanted to... then... stop. She told me to cry like that if I became upset in the future. I tried so hard to do as she told me... sometimes it worked, sometimes... it didn't help.

I would listen as I laid my head back in the recliner... to Skip talking to other family members who'd come with their loved ones... who also, sat in their recliner to take chemotherapy treatments. I would choke up and begin crying 'inside'... I knew I was no better than anyone else to suffer. I cared about those people who sat there with IVs in their hands, the ports in their chests.

I didn't even question 'why' this had happened to me... I 'knew' that I would never have the answer. What I did know ... even then... was that there was a reason for everything that happens in one's life. Three years later... I found out 'why'.... Skip was diagnosed with colon cancer.

I was strong enough to care for him as he began his journey to fight for his life. I'll never forget the moment he was told the diagnosis... I looked at him and told him ...'now', I know 'why' I went through what I did... that it was time for me to take care of him. I was with him every moment possible, at every chemotherapy treatment, tests... we took care of each other.

Chemotherapy makes one very sick... more sick on top of already being sick. The drugs that go inside one's body, my body.... I could actually feel them. I could smell them. I always liked the scent of alcohol, so clean, healing... I began to dread that smell, I associated it with the pain I knew I was going to feel... when the IV needle was placed in my chest, in my hands when I had bloodwork.

The life port was underneath my skin to make it 'easier' to take the IV medicines. The needle still had to go through my skin in order for the medicine to be delivered intravenously.

I have two scars, one above the other where I've had two separate ports... one for the first year I fought for my life. The following year I had to begin chemotherapy/surgery once again to fight for my life... the cancer had come back on the 'inside' of my right lung.

I lost all my beautiful hair... both times. The drugs made my muscles feel very weak, my hands and fingers couldn't grasp things to hold them. It affected memory.

Once when I felt strong enough, I remember driving for the first time to Louisburg. I stopped at a pharmacy to pick up something. There was a woman working there that used to work at the hospital when I did. I'll never forget her looking at me... I probably looked awful, I hadn't gotten well, I still wore a wig...she looked at me in a way she'd never done before.

She spoke to me in a mean way, and I remember just looking at her wondering why she spoke that way. She asked me something and I replied to her that I'd been very sick, she acted like it was nothing. I didn't elaborate on my illness to her. I remember thinking about her all the way home... the strange thing about this woman and her friend is...

That each time I ever see them... something really bad had happened in my life... I associate them with 'bad' things. It's just that I've looked at them when Skip and I would be out somewhere.... through my grief, pain, shock from whatever had just happened in my life... deaths, so on. The last time being when Tommy died.

Of course, they in no way have anything to do with the events in my life... but... they seemed to pop up... standing somewhere looking at me... I always looked bad from all I was going through. I sometimes imagine they 'liked seeing' me look so bad. When I worked with them, I always dressed very nice... they were probably shocked to see me, my looks 'go to hell'.

Who knows? They would have looked like that too... if they'd lost so many loved ones, go through the illnesses we did, and the events that happened in my life. I 'did go to hell'... and it 'showed on me'. In my mind I just wished them well and hope their lives would 'stay perfect'.

These are just thoughts in my mind tonight, skipping from here to there.... just thoughts.

People are strange sometimes... I am strange sometimes. We never know how we will react to others when something 'bad' has happened to them. I hope that I can react in a kind, 'good' way... I hope I would never avert my eyes, turn my back... walk 'away' from someone who is, who has overcome a life-altering illness. I would hope to look them straight in the face with caring eyes, walk toward them, embrace them to let them know I care.

My thoughts jump to the time that wig got caught up on a tree branch, slinging it away from my head... no hair on my head excepting several little curls. I think how something so humiliating, so awful became so humorous in a 'good' way....... somehow it made it all better. I smile softly thinking about that... yes, humor in the nicest way does help.

I think I will go to bed now... I hope my mind is tired enough now... to let my thoughts rest. You know how it is when you 'think too much'... sometimes. I just thought I'd write some of them. Just thoughts... more thoughts........................

　

YOU ARE MY HERO, THE 'WIND BENEATH MY WINGS'... I TRIED SO HARD TO COME BACK THROUGH THAT DOOR

YOU ARE MY HERO, THE 'WIND BENEATH MY WINGS'... I TRIED SO HARD TO COME BACK THROUGH THAT DOOR

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

I don't know if you are following American Idol. Skip and I are watching it faithfully though... I have to admit that I am in the bedroom going from American Idol to Survivor! I love both shows. Skip watches American Idol in the living room. It's his favorite of the two.

One of the contestants sang 'Wind Beneath My Wings'... oh, how very beautiful that song was! You are my hero.... you are the wind beneath my wings.... in my mind I 'felt that song', I thought of Skip.

I thought of how Skip is my hero, the 'wind beneath my wings'. He has 'saved' me many times. He wouldn't let me ...'go'. When I was deathly ill with non-Hodgkins lymphoma... he kept telling me I was going to live, he would do and say things even to the point of making me ... angry... to 'make me get mad enough' to ... fight to live.

Many times when so many 'bad' things happened in my life, he was 'there'... he was my lifesaver. He meant for me to live. When Tommy died... that was the time in my life I honestly gave up... when I say these words I don't know if you, my readers... can 'feel' them.... I couldn't bear for my child to be gone, the fear, the panic and the wild racing of my heart, the hot tears in my eyes.... I can't take this, I just can't take this.

To keep from 'feeling this most awful of pains'... I felt I was going to have to 'not live' to 'know Tommy was gone'. I try to describe it... in no way can my words describe such pain, such grief, such wild panic of knowing that person who meant the world to me... is really gone... he can't come back.

I couldn't just tell Skip that I couldn't bear for Tommy to be gone, I couldn't think of life without my only child whom meant the world to me. This very being was a part of my body, I brought him into this world... I hurt when he hurt, I cried when he cried... I died inside... when he died. I .... was dying from life... Skip was the only person in this world who saw me, cared if I lived or died. No one was there... no one else came... no one cared. Skip was there.

Skip was there... he was the sound in my world of quiet darkness... the sound of life pulling at me to come back. I could 'feel' his love though I 'couldn't see' him.

I could feel our pups lying next to me, I could 'feel' their love for me. I stayed there in that quiet darkness... I couldn't see, I didn't want to see a world without my child in it.

Sometimes for 'moments' it would feel like somehow he 'could come back'.... he couldn't. Really... at times it seemed Tommy 'could come back'.

I know people who have experienced losing a loved one might know what I mean.... no one has ever talked to me in detail 'how it really feels to lose a loved one'... the way I'm 'talking to you' about how 'it really feels'. I've experienced 'this feeling' only twice in my life... when I had surgery to save my life, and was told in the ICU that I had cancer......... and when Tommy died.

It's a feeling that can't be described in words. This 'feeling' happened to me when I became aware what was happening to me after my surgery to save my life... when I found out that I had cancer.

The only way I can get you to 'see and feel' what I mean is..... to imagine standing 'just inside the doorway where no one can see you... if you can somehow 'go back through that door'... everything will 'be like it was 'before'...................................................

It's like 'inside' ......you 'try to pull yourself back... to where you was before'.......... so, everything will be back 'like it was'. You cry because you can't, you can't 'come back' across that line, through that door. 'Just for a moment... you think you can 'almost' ...come back'...............

Just for a tiny moment... you feel so strongly... you can come back. Just for that tiny moment it feels like Tommy could come back. Reality... reality is that 'of course we know...I know'... it can't happen.

I love that song 'Wind Beneath My Wings'... I feel such emotion when I hear it... I instantly think of my husband, my best friend, my ...... whole world.... and our Pups. I'm very thankful for them.

'Wing Beneath My Wings'.......... one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

GRANNY GEE'S COLORS ARE... FADING

GRANNY GEE'S COLORS ARE... FADING

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

I just stood there looking, thinking, feeling sad. I know my colors are fading. Once the colors were so vibrant, bright... wonderful! I felt so happy inside each time I saw them, just recently... I noticed the change.

No longer are my colors bright, happy and vibrant. They've really faded... purple, lime green, pink, aqua, white, black, orange... they have all become pale colors now. What does it mean?

I had been so happy when I first found these colors... colors mean alot to me, you know. Colors are life to me, colors are important to me. Even colors... in the bathroom.

My colors, my shower curtain.... they've faded to paler colors now... in just a short time. I loved those colors... the mat in my tub remains just as bright, colorful as when I first bought it!

I'm going to have to shop until I find 'just the right colors' again. It does take time you know... to find the 'right' colors. I'm glad I've noticed before ... the colors fade completely away! :)))

It means that Granny Gee needs a..... new colorful shower curtain! Good bye 'old' colors, soon there will be new colors ... in Granny Gee's life! :)))

　

　

　

　

　

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT... YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT... YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

That aching hurt squeezing your heart, you feel breathless

Making it fill with such overwhelming grief from the darkness

Your eyes can't see for the blinding tears, hot.. scalding

Your body shudders with each sob you make, you can't breathe

You open your eyes and look toward Heaven, trying to see through the clouds

Oh God, please... please don't let me hurt so much, how can I bear this?

I don't question why ...you took all my loved ones away

They're gone, I miss them.... I can't believe they are gone

Left with the memory of each and every one, I knew and loved them with my heart

My son, Tommy, my only child, I loved him with my very heart, my life... this death almost ... took my life... Tommy!

My mom, my beautiful mother, who tried so hard

My Grandma Alma, who was my second mother, my precious grandma

Igel, who was my friend, my second mother, taught me so much, I loved her, I see her blue, twinkling eyes and red hair... sunshine

My Grandmother Lola who also, tried to protect me

My father who was afraid to love me, or... maybe he hated me

My Aunt Patsy whom I loved with my heart, she died when I didn't know I was in the world... I was fighting for my own life then

My only grandfather I ever knew, George.. who loved everyone

My step-mother who manipulated, though I still cared for her

My cousin, Ray, who was my protector as a teenager

My cousin, Sylvia, whom I was so close to as a child

My Aunt Ruby who would come get me, save me as a young person

My Aunt Jeanette... I loved though... she was strange

My Aunt Frankie who told me as a child... when you get older you can choose what you want in your life

My friend, Cotton, whom I thought alot of

My friend, Earline

My friend, Bill

My systervan, Lena, in Sweden who meant so much to me

My systervan's husband, Hakan, friend

My brother, Rick-Rick, oh, my little brother Ricky

My Pups who lived long lives from 11-14 years old:

Miss Sadie Maye, mother Bassett Hound

Chadwick Elsworth, son Bassett Hound

Gloria's Garraway, father Bassett Hound

Fairchild, our Rottie

My cousin,Edward Lee, whom I loved and made laugh, he loved birds, he loved windchimes, his herb garden

My cousin, Jimmy, whom I loved no matter he hurt me through time, he cared even when he hurt me

The list goes on, and on... the pain, oh God... the pain makes it hard to go on, makes my mind blank... I can't remember anymore

Can you imagine losing so many loved ones in just a few years?

Can you imagine losing everything in a housefire... lucky to escape with your Pups, husband?

Can you imagine your husband out west in a tractor-trailer accident almost losing his life.... only to come home and almost lose it again when a woman ran a stop sign hitting him? Or a few weeks later on his way to physical therapy... a police chase (a bank robber) almost broadsided him as he went through stoplight only a little ways from the physical therapist office?

Can you imagine being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, fighting the battle of your life only to begin battling again...

To go into congested heart failure, almost die again?

Battling again to help save your husband's life because he's been diagnosed with colon cancer? All in a matter of 3 years....

To lose the special bond with my grandson

To not have a bond with my granddaughter

To not ever know my grandchildren... I have let go, I have let go

The list goes on, and on.........

How have I kept from becoming bitter, angry, filled with rage in my heart?

Why do I still struggle to be a good person?

Why don't I just hate everyone, everything? Why don't I go outside and scream to the heavens above... God, why did you do this to me?

Why do I just sit here and weep silently inside, trying not to feel anger at anyone, anything... though I do feel some anger..

The pain, grief is bigger than I am... why don't I just split apart in agony?

Because....

I 'know' in my heart that ...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I know that no matter how many times I ask 'why'... I'm not going to get an answer

I 'know' that I have to accept, let go the things that try to torture, cause me pain 'inside'

Because....

I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright.

I don't know how I 'know'... but, I do. I don't know how I kept finding my way back each time I was thrown in that world of darkness... but, I do know... Skip, our Pups... kept pulling me back to 'now'

These are only a few of the things that have caused me such grief words can't even begin to express... there are so many more

I was sitting here thinking, trying to remember 'why' am I feeling so much pain, grief this weekend........ I think the holidays contributed

Subconsciously... I wonder if all the memories from the past are trying to compete with each other to come to the surface... and what happens is that there are so many memories through the years with each loved one..... it's impossible to remember consciously all of them... but, subconsciously ...you do remember

The pain, the overwhelming grief.... to see me you would not know that you are looking at a human form... filled with such hurt, pain

I'm like a rag doll that's filled with soft, downy material.... only my filling is...... pure reality, pure grief, pure pain

How can I sit here and smile gently, feel calm again no matter my eyes are weak, burn from crying... how do I sit here no longer angry, mad at the world, no longer wanting to hate, to strike out in anger?

Because.... I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I just know somehow, some way everything is going to be alright.

I have a heart of gold, and there's lots of love in it... it's not filled with hate, bitterness... I know life is like this. I know that all taken away from me in my life doesn't usually happen in such numbers in the 'normal, everyday' person's life.

So far... I'm still going forward... I'm bearing it all... if you ever see sadness in my eyes just know ... it's okay... everything is going to be alright ... wait alittle bit, look again... you'll see a smile

I was thinking of something about God never giving one more than they can bear... I didn't know I could bear all of this... when Tommy died... I almost didn't

I found strength each time... I honestly didn't know I had. Where in the world did it come from? I'm so glad. I'm glad to be here in this world where though there's so much pain... I 'know' that everything ... really is going to be alright.