Is This A Dream?

Is This A Dream?

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee   8-18-12

I was standing there lost in my thoughts
When before me a little boy appeared
He stood there looking up at me
With a gentle smile on his face

"Hi there", I heard him say
I said "hello to you, little boy"
He stood there smiling
I stood there looking into his face

There's something about those little cheeks
That look very familiar to me
I wondered 'what' about them had my attention
When I heard Skip say

It's Taban!  My eyes began to see
Yes, it's my little grandson, Taban
I didn't recognize him, he'd grown so much
I came out of the trance-like state I was in

I reached down to hug him
I held him tight
I felt my eyes fill with tears, diamond tears
My heart filled with happiness

This is a part of Tommy
A part of me, Granny Gee
I'm hugging my grandson, Taban
It's like hugging Tommy and me...

I felt as if I were in a dream
Wake me up, pinch me
Let me clear my eyes
Is that really you, Taban?

My heart smiles, it really is him
I'm so happy, as I walk away
I turn to look back
When it's time to go

I see a little boy crawl up on a stool
At the high table in Subway
And wait for his other grandmother
To order him a sandwich, drink

Granny Gee and Pa Skip are already forgotten
For the time-being
It's time to feed a little growing boy
Who wants to grow up to be as big as his daddy

I turn back, begin to walk away
With my arms hugged tightly to my chest
I'm so happy I could cry
I just saw Taban, my grandson!

I've Kept My Promise To Jimmy...

I Kept My Promise To Jimmy...

 By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

In my art room sits three chests
Three people whom I loved dearly
I have become Keeper Of The Ashes
Without meaning to I'm guardian of them

I put them in a happy room
Full of color and sunshine
It's a place I love to go
To paint, draw, to create

First, my mother's ashes were there
I put them in a beautiful chest with roses
Then, later in time when my brother
Rick-Rick died, he was placed beside our mother

Jimmy, my cousin, said that when one day
He died, he wanted me to place his ashes
beside my mother whom he loved
To 'match wits with her' like they used to

Match wits in the other world
Like they used to ... in this world years ago
One would think they were really angry
They weren't, they just loved to use words

To 'outbest' each other
Have the last word knowing they won
The contest of words, phrases
They saved especially for this....

Truthfully... I never heard a sound
In my art room, so.. I don't know if they ever matched wits
If they did, I'm sure Rick-Rick sat back laughing
Listening to the two them toss words back and forth

It's come time for Jimmy to go
To Oregon to be placed with his mother's ashes
It's time... it's time for me to let go
I've kept my promise to Jimmy

My heart feels good to send Jimmy
On his last trip to his sister, Linda
She will have their mother's ashes waiting
For Jimmy to join hers forever

Jimmy has traveled by plane, train and boat
On this trip, he will travel through postal mail
I know Jimmy would smile at knowing this
And say 'By cracky, if that don't take the cake!'

Go, Jimmy, go be with your mother now
I send you with peace of mind
Knowing that I did what you asked of me
I kept my promise to you... Jimmy

I love you my cousin, I always did
It's time to let your ashes go on their last trip
It's time I let go
I've kept my promise to you, Jimmy

'Write Out The Pain'...

I'm So Sad...  I Didn't Mean To Hurt You


'Write Out The Pain'..........

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am sitting here feeling sick on my stomach.  You know the feeling when someone hurts you to the heart... someone you love dearly, never knew was upset with you?

A short time ago, I was on my Facebook, commented on my nephew's FB page about college, seeing the banner welcoming students for this fall.  

I thought of him... I always think of him, and his brother... my nephews.  I've always loved them, but ... we only occasionally run into each other.  It's been like that all through the years.

My family has always been distant to each other.  Some love each other, some don't.  I love my brother, the father of my nephews.  He and I know we love each other though our life takes different paths.  In fact, he and I spoke to each other not long ago saying these very words... the same words all through time.

My nephew replied back to me something to the effect of 'remember when?'  It concerned all through the years we haven't seen each other.. rather... that I haven't kept in touch through time.  I never imagined I'd hurt him, or his brother... and they thought that way about 'me'.  I always felt hurt 'because none of them ever got in touch with me'.

Isn't it upsetting, strange to find out that 'you... who never wants to hurt anyone... did 'just that?'  For the moment ... I want to feel angry, but... how can I?  It's true.  How 'many million times have I been through this'...in my entire life.  I know what that child feels... he doesn't know anything but, Aunt Gloria hurt him.

It's true... that I stayed away from everyone... I felt I 'was the one hurt'... I chose not to feel it again.  Out of the blue... I find out I 'caused pain' to two, precious nephews whom I've always loved.  How sad is that?  How 'bad' is that?  How long have they been hurting?  

I am devastated at this very moment... I hold back the tears because it'll upset Skip.  It could cause me to not be able to stop crying because... lately, there's been too much death... people that I truly loved with my heart through the years.. have died.  Tommy's gone... this combination does something to me... I might not stop crying if I begin.  

I have to stop it everytime I begin at this moment... I feel physical pain inside...  it's a combination of pure grief, pure pain from not meaning to hurt someone I love.  It's pain from knowing I can't change what he thinks of me.  It's just pure, raw pain.  How could he ever know that I would never-ever hurt him or his brother, my precious nephews?  

In an email ..I told him that he was too young to know this kind of stuff has been going on through time.  Truthfully, he doesn't realize 'we are both victims of it'.  I don't know how to go about telling him.  I don't want to say something negative about anyone, cause more grief.  We all have suffered through time from pain caused by not knowing, understanding... no one will talk to the other about what hurts.  

We all have so much pride...I don't know how to tell, explain to him 'all of these things that have happened through the last years.... no one came around when I almost died, when Skip came close to death, our house burned down, the death of family, the death of my son... so, many more things.  No one came...everyone lived within 5 to 25 miles of us.  

No one came.... did you know that I never held a grudge because 'I already knew 'how we all were'....?  I haven't forgotten, I didn't hold anger at anyone... I do hurt if I allow myself to 'look back'.... I normally don't unless I'm writing about my life to tell a story.

I don't know if I have the strength to talk about it to anyone in person... I'm so tired in this respect.  Sometimes ..one could talk until they are 'blue in the face'... it wouldn't matter.  I am going to choose to just 'write out the pain'... maybe someday he'll 'read here' to know at least alittle of how it makes me feel.  

I've seen he has a kind heart, he loves animals, he's not afraid of expressing his love.... they are all wonderful qualities in such a young man.  He can be himself... and not care if others don't like it.  I'm proud of him, and my other nephew.

When people in 'my family' make up their minds.... there's no changing it.  No changing it at all...  he doesn't know it... he has opened a big wound that has formed 'scars over and over on that same place' before he was ever born.

We are both victims... he's too young to know.  He just knows 'his aunt Gloria hurt him'.  Aunt Gloria never knew, she never meant to... now, this is something I am sitting here thinking about... I could cry.  

I could tell him that they hurt me, too.  Really... what would that accomplish?  He was a child 'back then'... he isn't a part of that pain.  Why would I keep 'throwing wood on the fire' with a beautiful, young person who wouldn't understand one word that I had to say?   He is feeling something I caused him to feel a long time ago... I'm just discovering what I've done.  Gracious...

I think I'm 'going to choose my battles' in this instance.  I am not choosing this one... he will have to go through life thinking 'bad' of me.  Isn't that so sad?  I can't change a thing here.  Now... it's time to pretend not to see each other if .. we cross paths... how many times in my life has this happen?  Since I was big enough to learn, to feel how it feels to happen.

I'm so sorry, Devin... this hurts me to my heart.  I never knew I hurt you... never would I have guessed that.  My heart is really hurting now... it feels 'too heavy' for me to hold myself up... for now, I will go lay down.  I will just have to 'write out the pain.'

Installation And Usage... Instructions For Trash Bags

Installation And Usage... Instructions For Trash Bags

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

Yes, you read right... we bought a box of trash bags at a new store not long ago.  I loved the box, it was a strong box with the colors of brown with green print on it.... you know the look of 'green'.

It was hard to open the box, the box was so strong.  Normally boxes of bags are flimsy.  I pulled the bags out and discovered that they were divided into twelve bags each.....

Twelve bags all inside each other so, that when you get ready to bag the trash up... you decide whether you need one or ...two bags.

When I pulled the bags out of the box... a folded sheet of paper fell out with them.... with black print.  It was a 'Installation And Usage Instructions' sheet.... now, doesn't that beat all?

I have to have instructions on how to use the trash bags?  Truthfully, the way the bags are packaged... 12 bags in one... I can see 'why' some people would need them.

At the top of the bags is an elastic strap that goes around the trash can with the bags attached to it.  On 'each corner' there are 'tabs' ... this is where you pull 'one or two bags' out at one time to bag up trash.  How neat is this?!  I've done my own trash bags like this in the past... but, it's really neat to buy them already 'inside the other'.

The name of these trash bags are 'EZ Bagz'... hey, they are worth buying.  I am going to buy more.  We found them in a new store called 'Ollie's' in Henderson, NC.  By the way... that's a nice store....

They have many wonderful books, everyone knows that I love books.  Their selection is wonderful.  Also, they have many unusual, fun things to shop around to look at, to buy.  I like this store.  It's very interesting.  We will go back to it.

Oh... guess what I found?  The most beautiful book of tattooes... yes, Granny Gee wants a tattoo.... of the tiny dragonfly that will sit on her shoulder... in memory of Tommy.

This is a beautifully illustrated book with colored, and black/white photos.  I will draw from this book, also.  I couldn't believe the special price on such a beautiful book!  $3.99.... all the books that are hardback or soft-covered are specially priced there... they cost so much more elsewhere.

Mmmm-mmm ..... I also, saw something I'd like to put in the backyard.... like when we get the swimming pool up... that's patio bricks.  These patio bricks are 'different'.... they come in big pieces the size of a rug... the 'bricks' are individually molded on that 'rug'.  You can buy as many 'rugs of bricks' you want to make a lasting floor to cover the ground.  They are made of thick rubber.... I love these 'patio bricks!'

We've only made it through half of the store so far.... we still have the other half to look forward to.  I look forward!  I love unusual stores!  I can't seem to get past ... the books!

I am glad I had instructions on how to install the new trash bags... there 'was one thing' I wasn't sure about.... everyone who knows me, knows that I am 'going to do it my way first before reading instructions'.

At first, I didn't know 'why' there were places at each corner of the bags/trash can..... that had 'holes'.  Why, that's 'where' one 'tears them off the elastic cord at all four corners!'  :)))  How cool is that?  I needed those instructions after all!

George...

George...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I walked up the steps into the old store
That George operated by himself
I looked into the glass display cabinet
At the bars of candy... penny candy... bubble gum

I want some candy, I thought to myself
I would like a Mary Jane, or a Bit-of-Honey
No!  I want those red wax lips I see there
My mouth waters as I remember how good they are!

I see the BB Bats, and Sugar Babies neatly stacked
Oh my!  I see my favorite candy bar of them all
Seven-Up bars, I loved the orange part covered with chocolate!

My eyes moved to the drink machine, so did my body
A little girl stood there deciding what to pick
She saw a Orange Crush in the water with ice floating around
I want that drink, she thought

George, may I have a drink and candy bar
She asked the blind man standing there
I have a dime and nickel, some pennies
Do I have enough?

George said "Faye, pick a drink and candy bar out"
She picked out the Seven Up candy bar, the Orange Crush
Thank-you, George
I was so thirsty from running, playing

George smiled his soft, special smile at her
George loved children, treated them good
Children loved George
Faye was no exception

As she neared the door, Faye looked in the corner
She almost dropped her drink!
Oh George, you have to see
There's a giant spider on a web in the corner!

George turned his head, looked in the corner
There he 'saw' that spider with his sightless eyes
"It's just a big garden spider, is it black and yellow?"
"Yes, George, it's black and yellow"

It won't hurt you, Faye
Now, you run along and play
She went through the door, down the steps
Ready for adventure, she went her way

##############

***George was my step-grandfather... I only knew him as grandfather, though I called him 'George'.  I never knew another grandfather in my life...

George was a special man, I will write more about him.  I loved him with my heart... I wish as a child I could have just appreciated him so much more than I did.

How could I have known?  A child has to learn as they grow up so many things... sometimes it takes... years.  It took me many years to realize just how special George was to everyone through time... I had to grow up... to understand.

I will write more about George... he deserves to be remembered, never forgotten.

A Message For ALL Of My Family Members Who Are Left... So We Don't Forget

A Message To ALL Of My Family Members Who Are Left...
So We Don't ... Forget

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I'd like for other family members to send me their most special memory of George, Grandma Alma ... or any family member whom they wish to remember always.

I know there are many funny memories of George and Grandma Alma as they were always 'fussing'... it was their way to deal with the life given to them.

Tell it like it really is... they were as 'real' as people get... they loved with their very hearts despite being paralyzed, blind.

I will add it here on my blog, so it'll always be here for someone to read.  So.... we won't forget.

I don't think special people deserve to be forgotten... they were real people once.  Even 'bad' people should be remembered.....  how else can someone who wonders ... know if there's nowhere to find that information?

I'd like to share my blog with any family members... here is an 'open door' for you to be a guest on my blog to talk, write about someone you want to remember for something... at anytime you decide to, as many times as you want to.  My blog is an open platform to you.... my family members.

I hope you'll take advantage of it.  I welcome you all with my heart... all of you.  There's no one that I would say 'no' to.  I have many cousins, and their children, and children 'by their children'..... if you read this... know I would welcome you here.

Just email me privately at   gloriapaintsat@yahoo.com  ..........  I care about everyone... just alot of you don't know it.

I'm always here...  I know you have special memories of certain family members in 'our family'.... that was kind at one time or other.
The reason I say 'kind'.... is because so many of us have known alot of grief, abuse, meanness growing up.  It's only us cousins and our children who are left now.... though 'now'... I don't have my child ...living.

I never met my mother's father, he died when she was little.  His name was 'Glenn'.......

I don't know my father's father's name... it has been lost in the shuffle of time in my mind.  When I try to think 'back'... there's a 'mental block' there.... maybe one day I'll remember...  I never knew him as he died before I came along.  I 'did know of him'.

I hope everyone will think of something they would like to remember... it doesn't matter how many memories, or how many times in the future you want to remember..................... remember this...........

Here... you are always welcomed to remember.... so that we don't... forget.

Goodbye Marie...

Goodbye Marie...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Your spirit soars above us all... looking down
To see who is looking up for you
I look up for you just as your children do
Your grandchildren, nieces, nephews  look up to see

I know you are there, though I don't see 'you'
I feel your presence just as I once did
As a little girl when you used to visit
The air became electric with your energy

I smiled as a child, my aunt
 Marie is here!
I smile now, in memory of you way back ...then
Seeing in my mind a bright, colorful, beautiful woman
Walk into the room, who walked to hug 'me'!

How proud I was that you noticed me!
How happy I was to hear your soft voice,
Your gentle hand that never struck me
How I loved you dearly with my little girl heart, Marie

I would hug you for all it was worth
In hopes that you'd stay, not fly away
To me... you were a beautiful, colorful, bright bird
Don't fly away ... please stay

Many years later, I sit here at my computer
To tell the whole world that this special lady
In my mind... a beautiful, colorful, bright bird
Has flown away... this time she couldn't stay

Soar so high beautiful, bright bird
Fly with the wind, twinkle with the stars
Flash with the lightening, let your tears mix with the rain
As your spirit fills with sunshine, wind beneath your wings

Fly away beautiful, bright bird
Fly away in your happy colors
Free now from pain, suffering
I am sad that you go, I am happy that you have

Go now, leave us all here, it's your turn now
To be released from earth
In a magical form where you can fly
Come visit us from time to time, soar high in the sky

It's time to be free of your earthly form
You no longer need it now
You have a new form that's clear as the air
As bright as the sun, soar now... it's time for 'you'

Goodbye, Marie...

The Beautiful, Colorful Bird Flew Away Last Night...

The Beautiful, Colorful Bird Flew Away Last Night...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


I send my condolences, love to my cousins in Oregon, New Mexico. Their mother, my aunt, died last night. I am feeling sad for them.

 She is the last of the 'Five Beautiful Sisters'... my mother's oldest sister. She was the bright, colorful bird I wrote about once... I will write about how beautiful, colorful she was when I was a little girl.... how she made such an impression on me.

 When I was little she loved me very much... at that time I loved her with my very little girl heart... she would take me to spend the night with her.... I would get to see my cousins whom I loved very much. Later, she left to live in New Mexico.  I'm sad once again... I try not to feel.

I remember when my Aunt Marie would come to Grandma Alma's from New Mexico... I would feel such excitement inside.  I don't think she ever knew how happy this one little girl was.. when she found out that 'Marie was coming to visit!'

One particular time, I was 'down at my cousins' home'... just next door to my Grandma Alma and George's. I was in the bedroom playing with my cousin... when it seemed for the moment... the 'very air changed!'

There was an electricity in the air, I felt myself begin to feel so excited, happy.  It seemed the sunshine came out!  My Aunt Marie was here!... I just 'knew' she had entered the house... I could feel her presence.  I wanted to see her, I loved her.

I could hear her walk... her beautiful sandals had little decorations that dangled making a 'happy' sound!  I could hear the swishing of her long, full skirt as it flared out... in the most beautiful colors imagined.  My eyes took in all of her beautiful colors.  She had dark, beautiful hair down to her bare shoulders... her turquoise blouse was of Spanish design, matching her skirt of many colors.  (Later in time, she colored her hair.. blonde... it was beautiful, also).

She smiled the most kindest, wonderful smile... she smiled her 'Aunt Marie smile'.  She noticed me, she saw 'me'!  My heart swelled with such love for her... she didn't forget me.  I ran to her, hugging her tightly.  I was so happy to see this 'bright, beautiful bird'.... I held onto her not wanting her to fly away ever again!

She let me stay near her while she was there... her eyes would look at me with such love.  I wasn't used to seeing that expression very often.  Her voice was soft, beautiful when she spoke to me... I wasn't used to that very often, either.  You have to know that I dearly loved this woman.

She was my mama's oldest sister, she was as beautiful as my mother.  All of my mother's sisters were beautiful, young women.  They were all full of life, each had their own spitfire personality... each thinking they could tame the world.

They were strong, vibrant women... all were good in their own way.  No one ran over them as they'd fight at the drop of a hat to defend the one they loved.

My Aunt Marie, what can I say that most described her that I remember?  Her beautiful clothes, her beautiful skirts, blouses, shoes... she had a flare for clothes.  Not only that... she could wear them beautifully.    

The impression she made on me was 'huge'.... as I grew up, I had beautiful clothes, too.  I could wear them just like she did.... I loved the skirts, blouses like she wore.  Looking back.... my Aunt Marie was a bright, colorful, beautiful bird.  I wore some of the same style of clothing she did... everyone thought I was beautiful, too... just like I thought about her.

Last night... that bright, colorful, and beautiful bird... did fly away... forever.

******NOTE:  I know Marie is mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, friend, aunt, great-aunt to many people.  My heart goes out to each of them.  I care with my heart.

I didn't want to... but, I may be crying for the 'little girl who loved her dearly with her very heart... who held onto her so, that the bright, beautiful bird wouldn't fly away'.

******Fly away bright, beautiful bird, soar high in the sky!

The Dead Woman Came For Me, Moaning Softly...

The Dead Woman Came For Me, Moaning Softly...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

"Please don't leave me!  Plea-ssssse, don't leave me!"  I cried hysterically as I watched them leave me.  They were laughing as they ran up the dirt path leading out to the street.

I began running to catch up with them.  I was a little girl, six years old, they were teenagers.  "Please come back", I begged.  They ran up to the street in the distance... leaving me in the cemetery where I was going to see dead people!

I ran until I couldn't run anymore, I fell to the ground crying.  "Please come back, I'm scared!"  My mind was racing as my eyes were looking around me frantically... all I could see around me were tombstones.  I knew a dead person was going to get me!

I caught my breath, got up and began running again to get to the street.  I could see the girls whom I admired, looked up to... now, hated.  They were standing underneath a nightlight, giggling at me.

I felt my heart lunge in my chest as I heard a noise off to the right of me... it was a dead person!  I saw a dead woman walking slowly toward me with outstretched arms!

I felt as if I was going to fall to the ground, my head was up... I began trying to get my breath breathing through my nose.  I was scared to death! I couldn't get a deep breath!

The woman had on a long, white dress.  She was moaning softly as she glided toward me.  I felt cold chills of fear on my skin... "no, no, no!"

She reached for me as I went limp.  I had fainted, fell to the rocky path.  When I came to, I was crying... I felt pain in my head.

I looked up and ... the woman in the white dress was looking down at me.  I began to scream, I couldn't stop screaming!  She reached out for me....

I woke up in a room with curtains around the bed.  "Mama, mama, please help me, mama!"   A woman in white came from the other side of the curtain.  "No, no, no!" I cried.

I began pulling the sheet off from me, slid to the floor from the bed.  I was screaming in terror trying to get away from her.   Her mouth was moving, I couldn't hear her!

I fell to my knees to the floor, began crawling underneath the curtain, the bed on the other side.  I heard voices coming in all directions....

"Help me, she's going to get me!"  I was crying, screaming.  I was so scared.  I saw a man coming toward me, became aware of his calm voice.  He was calling me by name, how did he know my name!

He kept talking to me gently... I began to calm down.  My shoulders, chest were jerking, shaking from crying, my nose was stopped up.  The man reached his arms out for me... I ran to them!  "Help me, I want my mama!"

The man's voice told me that my mama was on the way, he told me he was a doctor.  Also... that the woman in the white dress was a nurse... someone who wanted to help me.

I began to feel sleepy, the doctor laid me gently on the bed, covered me with the sheet.  "Everything is going to be alright", he said.  He rubbed my head as I fell asleep.

I heard a familiar voice, I opened my eyes.  "Mama!" I cried.  She ran to me, gathered me into her arms.  My mama held me close, I felt loved, I felt safe.  My mama would fight for me... no one would hurt me now.

Later, I found out that the girls who were babysitting me were grounded for leaving me in the cemetery, scaring me.  I had stitches where I fell onto the rocky path in the cemetery.

Oh... one of the girls had donned a long, white dress to be a dead woman.  The dead woman who glided toward me with outstretched arms, moaning softly.

I Wonder ... Why?

I Wonder ... Why?


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I sat outside on the porch in the sunshine
It was fall time, the evening cool
I was writing a letter to my friend
When I noticed my hair was shining

My hair was shining gold, it sparkled
I felt such happiness as I held a tress in my hand
I sat there for several moments before releasing it
I loved this moment... it was special

I walked into the house, sat down at my desk
I looked at the window and noticed
The sunshine shining through the white blind
making silhouettes on the opposite wall

There was a silhouette of the blind in detail
A silhouette of the flowers in a pot
I don't know why but....
This is a special moment to me, too

Through the years I've enjoyed such moments
I've been in different places when they occur
Nevertheless... I stop to marvel at how they affect me
Because my heart feels such a happiness

I wonder why... I wonder what about these moments
Affect me in such a special way
That I stop what I'm doing just so, I can
Enjoy them to the fullest, with happiness in my heart?

I wonder ...why?