The Ugly Side Of Grief...

The Ugly Side Of Grief...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This is 'why' I grieve... I'm sorry, son... I feel 'ugly, angry grief' ... this morning.  I can't seem to help it.  I wish I was 'perfect'... I would grieve in the most beautiful way for you... with no ugly, mean thoughts toward the ones who hurt you when you lived.  I'm just a 'mother'... doing the best I can with this grief 'inside me'... it has no where to go... no one can help me.  I'm trapped with my 'ugly', as well as... positive grief for you.  My consolation is that 'normally'... I am not 'feeling the ugly grief'.  This morning... is different ... I 'am' feeling it.

The very last photo of my son, Tommy... only a short time 'that fateful evening'... he died.  My son is gone now.... he isn't coming back.  Why do I keep having to tell myself that?  Don't 'I' know that?



Write the pain, write the pain, write the pain.....  I repeat this like a mantra in my mind.... 'write the pain'....

The pain is 'trapped' inside me... I have to move... I can't sit still with it.  Oh, God... please help me.  Please make it just 'wash back into the ocean of grief'... please give me relief.

I woke up this morning at 4:30 am.  Things were on my mind... you know how it is... you can't go back to sleep.  The longer you lay there... is just torment.  Get up!  Get up!  I can't take it anymore!

Here I am... once again ... trapped with my very own feelings.  Feelings of pure grief...  overwhelming grief.  I want to cry... why do I have to feel like this?

Haven't I accepted that Tommy's not coming back?  Haven't I accepted the death of my son, my only child?  So... why?  Why, should I have to feel this grief inside.  I can hardly bear it... I just can't stand much of this...

I am here, writing the pain.  I always tell you how grief really feels... I won't sugar-coat it.  It's ugly, it's awful... at the moment, I feel like crying to the heavens above... Tommy's gone.

Why would I do that?  What would it get me?  Nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing.  There's not a 'damn' thing I can do to bring my son back.  So, 'why?'... am I feeling like this... this morning.

Oh God... I think I even feel some 'anger'.  My head hurts ... my eyes burn.  I want to just cry... but, I'm not.  I'm just not going to do it.  I don't see as it can help me at all... it could only make me look bad all day.... Skip would be upset to see me so sad.  I have to push it back... I just have to push it back.

Damn it... damn it.  Yes... I said that... I will say it one more time... 'damn' it.  The mood I'm in... I'll say it 'a lot of times'... it doesn't matter to me at the moment.  I even feel ... defiant... 'damn it'.

You see... this is the 'ugly side of grief'... this is the side of grief no one hears about.  This is where a mother feels anger, grief all at the same time... and she thinks some really 'mean things'.  She looks back in her mind.... angry at people she knows who caused grief to her child 'before' they died.  They... think it's all forgotten... it isn't.  I assure you... it isn't... won't never be...

I look back at two people in my mind... I laid in bed this morning thinking about both.  How one of them is a 'puppeteer master'... pulling the strings of the 'dumber' puppet who can't make decisions on her own.  Who has been the 'victim' of the other ... hoping one day they'll get money... that is probably gone... long gone.  It should have been given... three years ago.

I feel anger that the puppeteer master 'thinks' she's deceived me, also.  I didn't come from Hell for nothing... I'm not dumb.  I 'know' probably more than she knows about what she has done... are doing 'now'.  I know she doesn't know that 'now'... I know more.

The strange thing is ... I love the dumbass, and the puppeteer master.  One thinks she's so smart... and the other...... isn't very smart at all... never has been.  She can't help it.  Dense-minded... especially to fail a driving test 'ten' times...

I don't associate with these two people... I don't know that I ever want to.  I do 'know' them... they have no reason to be in my life.  The times they were... they brought only pure grief.

Grief... anger.  When your child dies, and things weren't right in a lot of ways... strings not tied... conflict to cause your child grief.... this is bound to happen.

No matter who is to blame... it will happen.  I'm proof... and I'm about 'as nice of person you'll ever meet'.... but, for the moment... you are witnessing the 'ugly side of grief'...


Note:

I told you that I'm far from perfect... though I try to be the very best I can be... I'm guilty of having mean thoughts, too.  No matter that later... I feel bad for doing it... I can still have 'mean thoughts'... I'm not perfect... I have no excuse... I don't even... apologize.  It's ... human.  I'm just 'like you'... I'm real.
No matter what... you aren't going to feel 'beautiful grief'... it's ugly, it's sad... and.. only too real.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Short Like Me...

Short Like Me...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee...   I'm short... don't get me wrong ...I love people my height... it just felt strange for everyone to 'be short all at one time'...... :)))



I was walking around in amazement... at Walmart, of all places.  I looked all around me... I didn't believe what I was seeing.  To see a face... I didn't have to 'look far'... they were 'all on my level'.

As I walked, I looked all around to see a 'tall' person.  Ah... there's Skip... he's the tallest person I see.  I can't believe all 'these short people'... 'short people'... like me.  I felt uncomfortable.  How did everyone get to be so short.  Was today a 'short' day?  What's going on?

No... I just couldn't believe it.  Their legs were no longer than mine.  In fact, some legs were 'shorter'.... How come I was uncomfortable with people 'my height'?  Why did 'short' affect me like that?  I am 'that short'.  When I say short, I mean like 5 feet, 2 inches short.

Every aisle I turned down... everyone was the same height.  Was someone playing a trick on me?  How did they know I was coming to 'that Walmart'?  We don't usually go to the same one everytime.

I just couldn't take it... I'm short, but... I can't be around a lot of short people at one time.  I want to close my eyes... it make me dizzy.  I like 'different'... all sizes of people around me.  It balances out 'everything'.

Don't ask me 'why?'  It's just the way it was.  Everyone today was ... short like me.

THE END...

THE END...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(Names have been changed... story is true)...

 

Mr. Tony... was a nice looking man who kept his body in tip-top shape. He owned a trucking company and his wife was a school teacher. His niece worked in his office as his secretary.

His wife was a very, very nice lady with a wonderful smile and beautiful, white teeth. She was slightly overweight and it didn't matter... she was very pretty. I really liked her, she seemed to be a very warm and caring person.

Mr. Tony, on the other hand... didn't know how to speak to a woman and look into her face. I think maybe it was arrogance on his part.. he seemed focused on 'himself'. He was in his forties and still 'full of himself'... and in the end... it got him.

This particular trip, Mr. Tony met up with a younger woman whom he was attracted to, and went to 'work'. They went to a motel where prior to getting there ...he took his viagra so, he could enjoy..... his job.

A little later... the young woman had to call 911 because Mr. Tony collapsed on the job....... and seemed to be ....dead. He had collapsed with a heart attack ....

I always felt so bad for his beautiful wife and my heart felt for her. She married an arrogant, self-indulgent man who ... liked to work hard.

Yes, Mr. Tony worked so hard ... that it killed him ..in The End.

Perpectual Grief... Never-Ending

My son, Tommy... holding his precious little son, Taban.  When Tommy died... I died inside.  I've traveled a long, dark, scary road to 'make it back'.... my hero, Skip.... and our Pups were always close by, even if I wasn't aware of them.  I miss you, Son.  I loved you with my very Heart.



PERPETUAL GRIEF... NEVER-ENDING
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE


(I wrote this on May 24, 2012 ... my son died on May 29, 2010.... May is a sad month for me, not only for his death... also, for what happened to him one year before his death on May 19, 2009..... a man stepped out in front of his tractor-trailer, was killed... my son, Tommy 'died' that day, it changed the rest of his life... he only had one year to live after that... no one knew... he had 2 blockages. He was 40 years old, so big, handsome... healthy. No one knew... no one knew....)



Thank-God, I am finally home. I walked through the door so thankful to be home. Today... I'm not 'myself'... I'm just... not myself at all.




I saw 'me' when I looked at my reflection as I walked by a mirror in the store. Oh my God... I shouldn't have even stepped out my door to even let the many birds, squirrels around here see 'me' ... today.




I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror several times on my drive home... my eyes 'don't feel good at all' today. They feel swollen, sore and so, so... bad.




They've cried alot lately... the mirror told on me. I'm sure that's 'why' people looked at me when I was out in public today... they sure were kind to this soul... today. They will never know just how much it meant to me.




They must have sensed I needed comfort ... even though I was smiling and talking to them while standing in line. I even let several 'older' people get in front of me (there wasn't anyone behind me).




My heart felt good doing that... when I show kindness I feel so much better. I really 'need to show alot of kindness right now... to feel better'.




My very soul, heart... 'me'... hurts so much at this time. I don't remember May of last year when I try to think about it... I do remember this month of May. This past week has been the worst for me.




It seems 'I'm not out of the woods yet'... I hoped to feel better this morning when I got up. I didn't... I feel like I'm still groggy from sleeping.




I came home just now... I looked in my mirror and this is what I saw to make me want to get 'me' home as soon as possible.




I saw an 'older' woman standing in the mirror. I leaned closer so I could see better... 'look at her eyes... oh my God... look at the pain in them'.




I saw 'my eyes' look back at me... they are so red from the storm brewing behind them... more soaking tears are yet to come. I walk around ... I'm a 'storm about to happen' often... raining so hard soaking the earth'.




I'm not a scary, bad storm... I'm like a spring storm about to 'rain any moment'... often, for 'the time being'.




My head hurts, my eyes hurt... my head feels balmy... I feel sleepy from crying so much. My body aches moreso, I'm... depressed. I can't believe I admit this... I'm depressed ... but, don't worry... I'm alright. I can be depressed 'in a good way'.




I just felt... 'I'm too tired now to cry anymore'.... yet, the tears roll down my face. They are 'Tommy tears'... I miss my child. It's as simple as that... it's not simple at all... my feelings are very complex.




I feel 'mad' that he's gone... shouldn't I have felt that long ago... and not feel that emotion now? I have no way of knowing... I have to learn on my own.




I'm a grieving mother who is learning on her own how to grieve... I've done it naturally... long and ... hard. I have no idea 'how long' grief is supposed to last.




I've been grieving for so many loved ones since 1998... not only that... I grieved for the loss of 'myself' as I was before the surgeries to save my life. I also, grieved over Skip who almost died from his life-threatening illness, surgery.




I've grieved for the loss of all of 'our things' accumulated over the years ... lost in the housefire. We almost lost our lives, our Pups' lives in it... we ran so hard to save them.. and got all 4 outside into my Expedition ... just in time. Skip ran back inside to get his wallet... only to almost get trapped inside the burning house. He suffered burns.




I've grieved for the three accidents that almost took Skip's life ... only a few weeks apart. During that time I even wondered.... 'is Death out to get Skip'!?




Both were horrible accidents... one in a tractor-trailer in Moriarity, New Mexico (two girls hydroplaned in a small Toyota hitting Skip's steering tire.... sending him across the median, two lanes of oncoming traffic on I-40 West... to land out on the desert floor.... ironically taking down a Shoney's billboard on the 'sail in the air' before landing).




The second accident happened when he was on his way to the ... physical therapist (ironic, isn't it?) where he had to go because of the .... first accident! The police were chasing a bank robber who ran the light in front of Skip! They almost hit Skip... he stopped in barely enough time in... shock.... not believing what had just happened.. again.




The third accident happened maybe a couple of months later. That evening he took my mother's husband back home... he'd come over to help work on the well pump.




Skip took him home in the beautiful red pickup he'd just finished paying for.... they didn't make it....




A woman ran the stopsign at the crossroad near where we lived.... she never stopped, broadsiding Skip's pickup and hitting another car sitting at the stop sign across from where she'd come. Her van flipped and was upside down in the highway....




Skip called me to tell me .... and I went into another shock... I couldn't believe it... the third time?!!!




Grief... nineteen family members...precious pets, the events in our life, the life-threatening illness/surgeries .. the shocks of so many things that have happened through those few years.




I wonder how many shocks just the 'average person' gets in their whole life? I wonder how many loved ones do they lose in a 'lifetime'? I wonder how many couples almost die, just a short time apart... with cancer? I wonder how many people lose all in a housefire? I wonder how many wrecks they are in... I wonder how many times they almost... die? I wonder how many people live to see their child ...die?




I don't know as I have never known any one person who has experienced 'all of these things... plus, many more I haven't mentioned yet'..... I've known no one to have ever experienced 'all of these things in their lifetime'.... excepting me... Skip and I.




I've learned the hard way by feeling 'how it feels', knowing how it feels to grieve.... only I've been grieving since ... 1998. I'm 'grief walking' in front of you.... I'm old enough 'now'... that it shows on me, on my face... I can't hide it anymore.... though I keep on smiling.




It's taken my youth away... it's made my hair whiter... I even see some little fine lines beginning on my face. I'm like an ocean-going vessel riding up and down on the sea... I've faced many storms and now, they've taken their toll on me.... I 'see' it... I'm saddened.




I used to like looking pretty... I used to love my mirrors........................ 'now'... only once in a great while 'do I 'see' myself' ...again. When I do... I am so happy 'to see me'.... I'm my 'own lost friend'!




I've thought about losing, grieving for my youth... I've thought about how so much has happened in my life to steal it from me. I'm thinking I've learned alot the hard way, on my own.... I never knew anyone else to suffer the things I have.




I am going to tell you what I've learned through the years of being in perpetual grief.... it will take a long time to tell you... so, as time goes by... 'you will see and you will know'... maybe some of you have already read, seen some of what has touched my life... what it has taught me, what it is teaching me... what I have left to learn.


*****************************************


Perpetual Grief.....Tears



BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE





When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief


I'm back in the spin of ... never-ending perpetual grief




I can't seem to be free of pain through all these years


I have learned my best friends are grief and tears




I've always been told to choose my friends with care


watch out for 'bad' people, just beware




Never did I hear of the 'friends' that chose me


Perpetual grief, tears that won't let me be




Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life


while I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife




They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down


I get up, dust my pants as I ... look around




Life... I will meet you 'head-on', you've hurt me so much


I still love you, I'm positive too, happy colors and ... such!




Perpetual grief... and tears... I will know always

I'm going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my ... days

What If They Felt... 'HOPE'!

What If They Felt ... HOPE!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



(NOTE:   What I wrote here tonight was inspired by a friend on Bubblews... &gardenerj .  His story 'Isn't It Too Early to Start Talking About You Know What'... made me think tonight... and below are my thoughts...

Thank-you, &gardenerj.     Your Bubblews Friend,  &grannygee  (This is what I'm known as on Bubblews)..................................................................................................................................................

Our little, sad Christmas tree at Christmas... 2012... this was the third Christmas without Tommy, my son... and our 12 year old Fairchild who died of cancer, just weeks after Tommy's death.  Tommy loved Fairchild with his Heart... we loved Tommy, Fairchild with our very Hearts.  I can't tell you the grief, pain ... in my words... I've lived in... even knowing 'everything is going to be alright'... one way or the other, it's going to be.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



Well... I've made a big decision... I think I've discovered 'why' people are wanting to 'begin Christmas early'.

For the past 3 years... my son has been gone... I couldn't celebrate anything... I couldn't 'see colors, happiness'.  I lived in a 'dark' world... grief, pure-pure grief, pain.

All the colors, happiness was around me... no matter how I tried to come out to the 'happy colors'... I couldn't get there.  I tried so hard... but, the knowledge that my son died... wouldn't let me... I hurt so bad.  It wasn't time.

The positive thing is... that I 'knew one day'... everything would be alright... I really knew that... but, 'when'?  It couldn't happen until the day... I began to accept the death of my son.

Accept the knowledge that nothing will change that.  Tommy's really gone.  With that being said... you can't see what just happened to me.  I was overcome with such deep grief, that I began crying inside.

The magical thing about writing... is I don't have to do it front of you.  I can write, cry all I want to... and not ... upset you.  I never want to upset you... I know grief, pain well... I wouldn't intentionally inflict it on another person.

The good thing about reading... is if you decide you don't need to read something... or it might upset you in some way... you can leave quietly, no one knowing any better.  You know... like in a library.  You won't hurt me... and you can go away, knowing that you can do it quietly... and I understand, care.

You see... I've always heard that if one wants to write... one has to write what they know best to succeed.  In my entire life, I've known more pain, grief, heartbreak than anyone I know.  I know pain, grief best... this is what I write best... because I 'feel, and have lived it since being a little girl'.

I, also, know happiness.  I've also, experienced miracles, prayers being answered.  I know the joy, the specialness of all.  So, I'm not a doomsday person at all.  Truthfully... when you see me... nine times out of ten... you will see me smiling.  Smiling no matter how bad life is being to me.

Not because I'm 'crazy, and don't know any better'... because I 'know life is going to be like that'... no matter what.  It seems I understand 'so much' now.... it's taken years for me to learn.  Does that lessen the pain, grief in my heart.  I'll answer with a simple 'NO'.

So, why do I 'try to smile'?  Because ... I try to be positive as possible... since 'I'm not perfect'.... sometimes, I'm not.  Sometimes, I will feel angry from the pain, grief.  I always end up back at ...'everything is going to be alright'.  How do I know?

I know because I'm always thinking, feeling, sensing... trying my best to swim the waves in the sea of pain, grief.  You see, I mean to make it... I mean 'to not drown'.

In my stories, you will see my struggle... you will in time... see me reach the shore in my struggle.  I have a ways to go... I'm not there, yet.

I may be 100 years old... when I reach that shore... I might not reach it until... I draw out 'my own' last breath.  It doesn't matter, 'everything is going to be all right 'now'... as 'right as it can be when someone's only child dies'.

Guess what?  I've never known how to swim in this life... but, in that world you don't ever see... but, 'feel, sense'.... I know the 'ocean of pain, grief... well'.  It's strange how much I swim... 'there'... in this life.

I don't even have the convenience of a 'shark cage' to protect me... I 'feel such pain'.  I'm 'always swimming there'... but, 'you can't see me... can't see my struggle'.  Isn't that an interesting thought?

At one point in my grief... at the very beginning... 'I almost drowned... I almost died'.  It's the truth, I'll admit it.  I wouldn't have known it... but, Skip could see.  He was on the 'outside' looking in at me.  I never knew he was there... in my mind... I had already left, I didn't know I was still here... I didn't know I was ... still in this life.  My life stopped.  My only child just died... The End.

This year, right 'now'.... I have made a decision two days ago... I am going to put up happy, colored red lights (to match décor in our house).... inside.  They will be tasteful.  I'm beginning early just like many people are... the commercials on tv have begun... I think that, I'm ... so glad!

Why?  I want to 'feel happy inside, I've been sad so long'.  Soft, little lights have a special way to affect one's mood... especially mine as I've been 'in the dark too long'.  Also, I am going to put up the little Christmas tree we bought 'just to have one last Christmas'... on the dining table.  This will be done within this next week.

After Tommy, my son died.... I gave everything away that was accumulated through the years for Christmas... I gave them away to 'family' whom I thought loved, cared about me... only to find out differently, later.

It's okay... my 'family' is like that... we all were born with that in us... no one can help it.  So, many years of accumulating, making decorations are gone, wasted... no one can see the 'love, caring' in all I had, made.  I let go a long time ago... it no longer matters.  I didn't care... nor did I remember... giving all away.  What I wrote just now, was 'a few thoughts' that flitted through my mind.

I didn't have more children, only my son, Tommy.  He had two children... I wasn't going to be seeing them.... it was 'the end' of my life... or so, I thought.  My only child died....

I had to learn to accept no grandchildren, I learned it well.  So well, that I forget that now... it's possible to see only one of them, my precious little grandson... who looks like the little boy I once had.

I reached out to see my grandchildren... was made to understand that I had to go back into the past to answer questions... that are no longer important.

I won't do that.... I won't play games with anyone... life is about moving ahead, loving the ones in your life 'now'.  I am too fragile to go back to remember the grief, pain in my son's heart the last time he saw his daughter.

I won't write about it here... it would be devastating... too private.  The last words she said to him... he carried to his grave... they weren't the only words.  I do... remember them.

I've let go of a beautiful child, granddaughter I truly love, and liked so much the last time I saw her.  Her mother made sure she won't ever be in my life... I accept that with such respect.  I would never do anything to hurt them.

When I read the things she wrote, I could go back to 'being her age, and 'see'... she has a long way to go in life to understand that life 'is now'... you don't 'dwell in the past'... it's not her fault she doesn't know that now.  You see, I understood so much from her words... it's 'not so long ago' that I used to be her age, and I thought 'just like that'.

I love her, I'm glad she's my granddaughter's mother... she's just being protective of ... her only child.  She loves her, has a good life for her.

Isn't that what is most important in life... isn't that what a grandparent wishes for their grandchild... life 'isn't all about the grandparent'... and who sees who... it's about... the child.  I'm just so grateful... my granddaughter has a real family; a good family support... that's most important to me.

I've got to remember now... it's possible I can see my grandson... I keep 'forgetting'.  I want to see him very much... this is the only grandchild I 'feel a bond' with.  He knows me, he speaks of me.  My other grandchild doesn't know who I am, any longer.  No matter if later, it's meant for me not to have him in my life... I will understand no matter what.  

I 'know life can be that way'. Thankfully, I've been writing for so long... they will one day see that I truly loved them... would never be an ugly 'Granny Gee'... who whines, cries, screams cuss words, call names, and do vindictive things to hurt the mothers of my grandchildren.  I love them... no matter what.  They are special... look who their children are... my grandchildren.

You see... my life has been very strange since being a young child.  I didn't realize until I became older... I was 'being groomed' for the 'painful life' I've had.  I didn't know I had such hard lessons to learn in life... very hard, very painful.  I have always wished 'to be perfect'... I never could be.  If I had been.... I'd learned my lessons the 'easy' way......

When I say this... know that I kept meeting 'all' head-on in my life... after being 'knocked on my ass' time after time, after time... again... year after year of my whole life.  (Yes, I did say 'ass'... it's just the way it is... no apologies in a good way :))).

'Damn'... I couldn't be perfect ... no matter what?  I had to do 'things my way'... 'get on the wrong paths... fight like hell to get on the right ones... I got lost so many times').  I was still a 'good person', but, 'lost'.....

I never 'felt sorry for myself... I just kept trying to learn my lessons in life.  When I thought 'I knew so much'... I found out that I 'didn't know a 'damn' thing'.

 I have cried millions of diamond teardrops... but, I don't complain, cry 'woe is me'.  I've been angry, just plain 'pissed off'... but, I don't do that.  I just kept trying to make sense of each event... tried to make peace with it.  I couldn't change it happening... I could only make the choice of 'going forward'.  It was no where easy as it is to write the words ... here.

Most of the time... I didn't go forward 'gracefully'... I really try to do that... I wanted to grow old 'gracefully'... life has had a way of changing what 'one wants, means to do in life'... to completely 'twisting all around'.... taking you on roads so unexpected... so, not 'you'.

Life is like the guy on Survivorman... life would 'just drop my ass on some isolated road... tell me to 'find yourself'.  Find myself?  You just wouldn't believe the roads I have traveled to 'find myself'.  The strange thing is... 'I was there all the time'.  :)))

I was the 'good person' I thought I was ... in the end.  Do you know how a 'woman has to look ugly at the beauty shop... just to get beautiful again'?  The other ladies all sit there, are watching and having thoughts of thinking how ugly that woman is... how the rollers look in her hair... that's an ugly critter!

But... after 'getting so ugly'... the magic begins!  All of a sudden, you see those ladies begin to sit forward in their chairs to see better... magic is beginning!

Why... that woman is beginning to become 'beautiful'!  She 'really wasn't ugly' at all!  She was pretty 'all along'...  'yeah, I know... there really are some 'ugly people' who never become 'beautiful'!  You know 'those mean, hateful, bad ........... !'

I look 'like hell, lost my 'graceful looks'... :)))  So, 'now'... I'm going to 'grow old ... gracefully... 'ugly' in looks :)))  Do you know what?  I really hated to admit that... :)))

I am going to grow old gracefully ... being an ugly... graceful, old woman!  :)))  But... I'll be a 'good, old, ugly woman'... I think I'm beginning to accept that... not fight it.  Just do my best, let it go... I have to... I can't stay 'here, dwell on it'... life go on.

I want to live... and if 'I have to live it 'ugly'... I will'.  I won't apologize... I have come 'through hell, death'... be 'be here'... now.

All I can say is... if no one likes it, and is offended by my 'ugly exterior'... deal with it!  If you can't take a few minutes to see that I'm 'beautiful inside, my looks have faded like a rose'... I don't mind.  I don't have time for you... I have a lot of living I want to do... move out of my way.  (I mean that in a 'good way'... but, I mean it in a 'bad' way if ... I have to).

I can't make you like me... I won't waste time trying... I wasted enough time trying to get here through 'bad things, real-bad things' that were obstacles in my life.  You have no idea how I have fought to get here... to this very minute.

If you judge me on looks... then, you are not 'my kind of bird of a feather'.  All I can say is.... 'I used to be pretty'!  :)))  Now... you go on with your life...

I love real people who have lived 'real' life.  They know pain... they learned from it... they learned the lessons one needs to in this life.  They aren't 'shallow' people.... if you haven't learned these things... there's no way... you can't come to the plane I'm on... and talk with me.

You can't reach it if you've never known the things I've been through... walked the roads I've walked on.  Those 'stairsteps aren't for you'... yet;  maybe they never will be.  Then, that means you are having that wonderful, perfect life I always wanted to know... one full of love, happiness, no medical or financial worries.

I'm happy for you... though, I worry for you 'when something happens'.  I was 'groomed from a small child, learning the pain, grief in life'.... I'm not sorry for myself... somebody has to learn it... someone has to be able to tell others about it.  Let them know they aren't the only ones ... 'who hurt'.

Everything is going to be all right.  Of course, the grief and pain will always be there... sometimes, it'll be harder... but, I reached another 'plane in life' ... I'm learning I can go on now... I've accepted what I can't change... and I've coped with it.

I found out now... all my crying, grieving can't change a thing.  So, when I cry, grieve... I know it's from the 'great love I had for my only child... my son, Tommy'.  This is 'why I cry for Tommy... now'.

I miss him so much... he's still 'real' in my mind.  He seems to still be here... especially when I look at his photos.  He was a real person, I knew him.  I know what he sounded like... I still hear him speak, laugh, cry... in my mind.  I 'see him' moving, walking, sitting... working... in my mind.  He's real... in my mind.

I cry because ... now, this 'is the only place I can find... Tommy.  I can't just call him, see him in person... I can't hear him 'try to sing' anymore (Tommy, you really couldn't sing, my special son :)))  You see... I loved you my precious son... even now... we have to admit you couldn't sing.  I can see you smiling in my mind... because you can't believe I'm saying that!

I write my life, about Tommy.... everything... the colors/my stories of my life at my primary blog... I share my life on Facebook, and on the Facebook page of Precious Camo... the little puppy I rescued from certain death on July 4th.

I published my book filled with my grief, pain.... my goal being accomplished ... whether I ever make money or not, on it.... I made sure my son would never be forgotten.

Getting back, after saying 'all this'.... I'm thinking this year everyone has had so many things happening that is sometimes, scary... unhappy... lost someone in death... lost their homes... lost their families in divorces... gas prices so high that money used for food, clothing, their families is used to buy gas to work to survive... and then, the ... government 'shut-down'.

So many unexpected things are happening in 'today's time, lots of times, it's a 'first'... things people haven't had to deal with.

We are all affected by this... we can hardly afford to buy gas to travel to our doctor appointments... just to go to town 4 miles away... twenty dollars doesn't buy much gas... our tanks go empty so quickly.  We don't complain... we keep on struggling along with everyone else.  I worry about young families.... worry for this, worry for that... life's very hard.

One could go on and on.... maybe that's 'why' everyone wants the holidays earlier... the soft, wonderful, colorful lights that bring hope... when one looks into them, becomes lost in them... their minds will go to a 'magical place' quickly, wishing and thinking  about loved ones... what they'd love to do for their loved ones... what they'd like to have in their life.

This 'is a time of year that ... anything can be possible!  A dream can come true!  Magic happens!  Miracles happen!'  The most unexpected, wonderful things can happen.... 'to anyone'!

The holiday sounds are wonderful, they bring back happy memories we all learned as children... it's soothing, calming to our very souls to listen to.

We've grown up (even if mine were never happy times, I was happy for others... I would watch wonderful families to 'know what holidays meant... I would try to 'feel them in my mind'... I would walk in town where I lived... see through people's windows... see bright lights, happy people moving around... sitting at their dining tables with their family members... even hear happy sounds!  See the wonderful Christmas trees in the background, glowing with happy colors!)

Of course, being a child... I did ... wish.  Sadly, it didn't happen... but, I still ... lived.  I still got up each time, 'life pushed me to the ground'.

It's the same way, 'today'.... for three years I have been struggling to get back up... I almost 'fell for the last time when life handed me the death of my son'.  I have had such a time to stand up under the weight I carry now... the grief of my son being gone.

I think I'm standing up... now.  It sure feels like it... I'm feeling the holidays 'early' ...just like everyone seems to be this year.  I'm going to decorate, make happy colors come alive in our home beginning in this following week.  We don't have a lot of money to spend... but, that's okay.  I'm going to make it special... all one has to do is look around... and 'just feel the magic, and know anything can happen'!

Why?  Because life is all about .... HOPE!  Yes!  That is what I've learned lately... life is all about 'HOPE'.  

I've learned another secret to life... Hope.  I have learned that the secrets to life are:  love, caring, giving.... and now... it's hit me... a light came on!  HOPE is a secret to life, too.  I knew that... but, I 'didn't know' that.  'Now... I know....

There's always hope... we never give up hope... no matter what... everything's going to be alright.  Just 'you don't ever give up hope'... you 'get up from that ground, dust 'them' pants off... love, care, give even if it's a smile, a kind word... and care with your heart about people, animals.

Even if you don't have opportunity to do these things... feel them in your Heart.  Remember everything's going to be alright... I didn't say it is going to be easy at all... it never has been in my experience... but, always HOPE.  Where there's hope, a miracle can happen... this is exactly how I feel about it.  These are my words....

Where there's HOPE.. a miracle can happen.  You are reading words from a 'Miracle'... you just don't know it.  If you knew everything... I would have nothing to write about anymore.  :)))

I'm forever grateful to people who have touched my life in the most positive, wonderful ways.  Who have given to me, without asking me if I needed anything.... who have said comforting words to me when I didn't know they knew something was wrong with me... who never asked... just sensed.  I'm grateful for so much in my life.

I always hoped... that no matter what... someone would care about me... be there for me.  I don't have many people 'there'... but, I'm so fortunate... I could be all alone.

I just realized something at this very moment... 'you are all there'!  Do you know what?  I'm so grateful for 'you'... do you know 'why'... you've all stayed here since I began writing... writing my pain, grief just after my son, Tommy... died.  'You are still here'... plus, thousands more people!  I'm so grateful for my 'old and new friends'... I'm so grateful for 'you'.

I forgot to say... that's something else I've learned in life... and never mentioned.  Do you know 'why'?  Because I've been so used to 'being grateful'... I didn't realize that I'd learned that 'lesson' a long time ago in my life.  :)))  Gratefulness... that's another secret to ... Life.

I'm going to be in the holiday spirit now... after three long years.  I'm going to put those soft-colored, happy Christmas lights 'everywhere'.  Turn the little fireplace on ... it's here in the living room... put the little, sad Christmas tree we had up last year... back up this coming week.... it will be a happy, bittersweet tree this year... but, it'll glow with happiness.

Skip is going to get up a bigger one to put in the living room... more soft-glowing lights to cast a magical atmosphere to 'get lost in'.  There might not be a whole lot of presents... that's fine.... there will be light... light is life, hope.

The secrets to life are the things I just told you... to enjoy them, you have to 'feel them inside'... you can't buy them.  Love, caring, giving.... hope... gratefulness.

They can't be wrapped in a present... but, then... again... they 'can be' by the things we do get for our loved ones... even 'the smallest things'.  Symbols of all we feel... a way of showing how we care.

I know lots of people can give a lot... lots really can't.  That's sad...because even knowing life isn't about material things... people no matter how old, or young... are like children... they still hope, wish... it's the way we are.  We are just human... life is like that.  :)))

No matter what... everything will be all right... no matter how bad, or how good... you will see something 'good somewhere or other'.  I know this to be true.  Just pay attention... remember I never said it'd be easy... for some of us... it isn't.

We are the ones who 'had to learn the hard way'... maybe so, we'd tell others... maybe we can 'save them from making the same mistakes... maybe to show them that no matter if you are dying, almost died... had cancer... you lived.

Maybe ... losing a child... you still lived to tell your story... you still learned from life, so others can 'see they can make it, too'.

Maybe... to see that you were bullied, you almost committed suicide, you were beaten, bad things happened in your life... to show others that...they too, can survive.  Maybe... a child, or an adult who has been mistreated, injured by another mean person... had/have a terminal illness can read our words... and gain from them.

They can find a will to live... remember the old saying, 'if there's a will, there's a way'?

Why all the 'maybes'.... Just maybe... they can find HOPE... with hope, there's life.  Hope is the 'light of life'... just look around you when you see people come together when 'bad things' happen.  If one can't be there... 'go there in your mind'... send those special thoughts in the air with thousands of other thoughts, prayers... they really work.  I know this in so many ways to be ... true.

These are my opinions, my outlook on life.... I don't tell anyone to do anything... I can only write from 'my experience'.... and God knows all my experiences in life... have been 'something else'.

But... what if someone was right at this very word I'm writing 'now'... and felt something special inside?  What 'if they felt.... HOPE'!
................................................................................................................


My links to these places are:

http://happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com  ...my primary blog
(Come by my friend)..

https://facebook.com/camocameobates   ... the puppy I rescued... I'm almost ready to publish my book about her; her angel.

The title will be:  Camie's Angel, and will be sold only on Amazon.com .  Her name was originally 'Camo' when I picked her up from the cold, wet ground... saved her.

Her angel renamed her 'Camie... in my book... you can read in her words, 'why?'.  (Come be her friend, too).

See how people like you have helped to save her with their donations for her medical care... look at photos, see how she didn't have hair on her body... since July 4th, 2013 until now (October 10, 2013.

Look how beautiful she is now... though, she isn't healed yet... she has a ways to go... look at her beautiful hair, the expression in her eyes!

I call her .... 'Our Pup'.... prayers, positive thoughts, love, and donations to her medical care have come from 'all of Camie's Angel... and all the Angels that have followed.
..................................................................................................................

Skip And The Pink Lotion....

SKIP And The Pink Lotion...
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES


That sure is some good lotion.  I like the smell of it, and I like how it feels when I rub it on my face and hands.  It feels good!

Skip was telling me about the lotion he'd found on the shelf in the closet at the end of the hall.  I asked him what color was it, what scent was it.  He told me it had a nice floral scent, and it was pink in color.

My mind was on something else at the time, so... I didn't dwell on the lotion at that time.  I did think though... I would check it out, and use some of it..... but, I couldn't remember 'that' lotion.

That sure is some good lotion!  Skip had used it again.  This time it piqued my curiosity!  I wanted to use some, too!  I wanted to smell that beautiful scent he kept mentioning!  The phone rang, I ran to answer it, forgetting that lotion once again.

Several days later, after I had taken my shower I happened to think about that nice-smelling, pink lotion Skip kept raving about!  I wanted to smell the nice floral scent he described... of course, I love floral scents.   Also, I wanted to know 'how' that lotion aome to be there on the shelf, and I couldn't remember it!

I walked down the carpeted hallway to the door, opened it.  I saw the pretty bottle right away.  I was thinking that bottle was something else, but.... I don't use my reading glasses all the time... and after a time I forget things that I do have.

I reached for it, decided I needed my reading glasses to read the pretty label.  Skip uses reading glasses, too.  I don't think he read this label with reading glasses on. 

I read:

BODY ESSENCE

Raspberry Shea Butter

Ultra-Moisturizing

BODY WASH

Shea Butter Beads

Softens and Conditions Skin

24 fl.oz.

I began laughing thinking of seeing Skip putting that wonderful 'lotion' on his face and hands, how he enjoyed using it!  I laughed until I got weak... I couldn't wait to tell him that his beautiful lotion was in actuality............

 

Raspberry Body Wash!!!  

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

There's No Down Doubt... Mama Came Back From The Other Side

There's No Doubt...  MAMA CAME BACK FROM THE OTHER SIDE
BY Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee                                        



I came in from the back door, to my left was our bedroom.  Skip and I had chosen that bedroom when we moved into the big, two-story house... because it was easier to get up to let the pups outside to their fenced-in yard.  Some time later, Tommy fashioned a pet door so, we wouldn't have to get up all through the night.


This particular day, I had been to walk and had just entered the house and turned to go into our bedroom when.... I froze.  The whole room was enveloped in smoke!


I panicked and hurried inside the room sniffing the air for a burning scent.  I began to realize... it wasn't 'a burning scent'!  Where is the smoke coming from?


I walked to the door, looked into next room and saw that the air was normal, clear as a bell.  I turned to look back into the bedroom, the air was heavy with 'smoke'!


I couldn't understand unless.....  I went back into the bedroom, stood in front of the fireplace... my mother's ashes were sitting on the mantle piece above the fireplace.  I turned around slowly in the room, still the 'smoke' was there, but... no burning smell.


I put my hands up to feel the air, didn't feel anything.  Mama!  Tears came to my eyes as I 'felt' like it was mama doing as she'd promised.  'If' something should happen to me first... I had promised my mother that if possible, I'd make myself known if I died.  Mama had promised me the same promise when we were laughing, talking just several months ago about such.  No one even thought one of them would be gone so soon.


I happened to look at my computer sitting on my desk that had been placed near the bed when I was very ill. I walked to it, my mouth fell open!  My monitor screen had begun scrolling and wouldn't stop scrolling.  I couldn't believe it and 'knew' there was a presence here that was her mama!  Mama!


No sooner than I thought 'Mama'... I heard the sound of dishes falling in the kitchen sink!  I ran to the kitchen to look to where the dish drainer was... several plates and cups were in the sink.  I went to the sink and couldn't believe 'plates fell' into the sink?  How could that happen... they sit 'in' the drainer!  I stood there in disbelief, but... 'knowing' it was my mama.


I walked quickly back to the bedroom, the 'smoke' was still in the bedroom!  I sensed all was okay, there wasn't anything burning.  This was my mother keeping a promise we'd both made.  I went on to forget the smoke that really was a fog now.  I knew it wasn't smoke.  Later that evening it was gone.


I didn't see the fog again until several days later when I came into the house.  I stood there looking at it, imagining seeing my mama in it.  I never saw my mama no matter that I imagined hard... to do so.  I just smiled through my tears... I miss you, mama, with my very heart.  I went on to do my chores and later, noticed the fog was gone.  It never came back.


A month later, I decided I wanted to wear my new walking shoes.  I had been very ill for three years and had been getting stronger by the day.  I was ready to begin walking.  My husband, Skip, had purchased them for me.  I had put them in the new wardrobe he'd gotten me for extra storage.


The wardrobe was very nice, solid in its construction.  It had two nice doors in front and a solid back.  I loved it, it had shelves inside on one side, and a place to hang clothes on the other side.  On the shelves, I had some special things there.  One special box held the pretty new shoes Skip had gotten for me.


I took the box, sat on the edge of the bed to open them.  My feet were bare and the carpet felt good to my toes.  The carpet was Hunter green in color... I loved that color, it was elegant.


I opened the top of the box, placed the lid on the bedspread.  I unwrapped the tissue paper that was around both shoes, and began to take a shoe out.  Something small and white began falling from the shoe.  Puzzled, I looked closely to see what in the world was falling from the shoe.  I knew there wasn't anything in the shoes... I had wrapped the shoes myself in the tissue that came with the box when I stored them.


I took the other shoe out of the tissue, and looked closer, not believing what I was seeing.  I turned the shoe over to let the contents... fall to the dark green carpet.... there was a pile of pure white.......... rice there!  All had come from inside both shoes!


I just sat there.... sat staring with pain, grief in my heart.  Mama!  I cried on the inside as the tears fell on the outside.  There wasn't any way the rice could have gotten there... I 'knew' it was my mama.


I knew these things because these weren't the first things I'd ever witnessed that were strange.  I, also, knew miracles happened.  I had witnessed those, too.


I sat there for some time hugging my new shoes to my chest, staring at that little pile of pure white rice.  I sat there in amazement.


I never did see anything else after the fog, and scrolling monitor screen, and falling dishes and pile of rice that was 'Mama'.   Sadly, I have been waiting for my son, Tommy.... to make an appearance for 3 years.  He hasn't come back... yet.  There's no doubt... my mama came back from the other side...

That's Sexy...

THAT'S SEXY...
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/aka GRANNY GEE

He was putting down the new plywood on the kitchen floor, to later lay tile on it.  I was excited to be getting fresh color into the kitchen, a new floor!

We stayed out of his way, and found things to do.  We never thought of 'not' trusting this guy to do things right.  His uncle highly recommended him, saying he was the best.  He recommended him so highly that.... he said 'he would replace the floor' if his nephew messed up.  We couldn't resist the deal... also, the price for him to do the job was $300.00.

I walked into the living room, called to the guy, I asked him how was it going.  He said the floor sure was 'looking sexy'!  I took it to mean that it was 'looking very good'.

Later that evening when it was finished, he told us to come look at our new ... sexy... floor.  I couldn't wait to look, I knew it was going to be beautiful!  Skip and I hurried to the kitchen to look at the floor... we stood completely still as we stared......

Oh my God!  Oh my God!  I said to the guy with shock...'what in the heck have you done'?  Skip was upset.  We couldn't believe our eyes when we looked at our 'sexy floor'!

It was 'sexy' alright!  That guy had built up in places with 2 layers of plywood, when there should have been 1 sheet to make it even all over.  The floor had high 'ridges' in it.... We were in shock... we asked why was the floor like that?

The guy told us that when it dried (the glue underneath)... it'd all be just fine... it'd be so pretty, so 'sexy'!  He asked Skip if he'd pay him right at that moment because he had to be in court the following morning.  Skip went ahead and gave him 3 one hundred dollar bills.  The guy left us with our 'sexy' floor.....

I walked on the tile later on that night, glue squished up between the tiles.  I'd been around all kinds of home construction, remodeling... I 'knew' something wasn't right.  That floor wasn't at all .... sexy!  No, not at all.  I felt anger at the guy... I just felt he did it wrong.

We got someone to come over to check it ... that guy had used 2 layers of plywood in some places.... 1 layer in others.  The man who came to check it out.... couldn't understand 'why' this was done.... also, he discovered that the glue underneath the tiles... was too thick!  He told us that he didn't think ... we had a sexy floor at all!

We never could find that guy again... we also, found out that he was a drug addict and that was probably 'why' he ruint the kitchen floor.  We ended up paying the man who checked it out for us... to make our floor ...sexy.  Oh... the uncle of that guy never came to see us again... nor did he try to help us have a 'sexy' floor, either.  He broke his promise.

The floor turned out to be beautiful that time.  Oh... the first guy had brought an old picture in a scuffed up wooden frame for us to hang in the kitchen... I don't know 'why' he did that either. When he came to make our floor 'sexy'... he said he had brought a 'sexy' picture to go in the kitchen.

 Skip and I took pleasure in throwing it away... after we broke it into pieces.  Our reasoning for our actions was..... 'it just wasn't sexy enough'!

Hallelujah! Amen! I'm Going To Burn In Hell!

HALLELUJAH!   AMEN!  I'm Going To Burn In Hell!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

She's looking at me again!  I kept singing  'Amazing Grace', as I wondered 'why' she turned around to look at me.  The next song was 'Little Brown  Church'... I loved this song, and I sung with my best voice!  It felt wonderful!

Someone punched me in the back, and I didn't want to turn around to see 'who'.  We were all standing up in church, singing songs.  I was in the choir at my church (I was visiting this church), I knew I could sing (later .. I would find out how badly I sang!  when the choir director asked me to sing with my mouth, but.... not let my voice be heard!).

I was the youngest in the choir at my church, I hadn't been singing long.  I loved it, I'd discovered I could sing!  It was fun.  I was catching on to little frowns here and there from the older women here at this church.  I was a child and I didn't understand 'why'.  Why some of those old-ass women looked right mean at me!

We sat down and listened to the pastor talk about someone was surely going to hell if they didn't change their ways.  I knew I was going to change my ways.

I was only twelve years old, I sure didn't want to go to hell!  He screamed 'Amen!' making me jump in my seat.  Hallelujah!  I couldn't take much more of this!  All this screaming, hollering, jumping up and down.... I saw this at grandma's all the time... I came to church where it was peaceful, no one to scare me, or make me nervous.  This new church did all of that.  I'm not coming back here anymore!

I was trying to stay awake, I didn't sleep good last night.  Grandma and George were fussing about something.  I hoped they wouldn't go to hell.  I didn't want anyone I loved to go to hell, now that I've just learned about it.

Damn, I didn't want to burn up.  I think I had better stop saying the word 'damn'.  I'd been using that word in my mind since my mother washed my mouth out with Ivory soap when I was younger.  It made me remember that word, that's what Ivory soap did!  Damn!  There he goes again!  Amen!  Give me a hallelujah!

Damn!  That preacher sure can scream, he scares me every time he screams 'amen!' and 'hallelujah!'  He's talking about people who talk in tongues now...  what in the ...... is talking in tongues?!!!

I'm not sure what this means at all... I only had one tongue!  I was at this church 'visiting'.  An older lady wanted me to come to her church this Sunday with her.  I wasn't sure if I liked this church better than the Baptist Church I'd been attending.  It seemed older women took it upon themselves to save my soul... I must have looked like I was surely going to hell.

What?  I look to my left to see the older woman I was with.... why, that's white stuff on her mouth!  Oh my God!  I began panicking... I'd seen this not long ago on my mom's face when she suffered a seizure.  I slid over away from the woman, staring at her in shock!  I never thought about how others probably were looking at me!

This woman began to talk, she jerked like that chicken I saw one time... when someone chopped its head off!  I cried for that chicken!  She stood up hollering 'Thank-you, Jesus!'  She began to walk like that chicken up the aisle... I just couldn't understand this!  I'd never seen such in my church.  I felt very nervous, my stomach had butterflies in it.

That woman's head was going backwards and forwards... she was walking, she really did look a lot like that chicken!  What the hell!  Why she just fell on the floor, she's rolling!  That white stuff coming out of her mouth!

Damn, I've got to get out of here!  I'm going to hell as sure as I stay in here, I keep being shocked, scared... I keep saying ugly words!

I wanted to go outside where the other kids were playing.  This was the perfect opportunity to 'get away'!  I looked around, people were praying and saying 'amen!' and 'hallelujah!'  They were talking but..... wait a minute, is this 'talking in tongues?'  I think they were talking in tongues, I couldn't understand a word they said!

I got the heck out of there.  When I got outside, a boy handed me a.... straight pin.  I looked at him and asked him what that was for?  He said to protect myself... stick somebody back if they stick you!

What have I got myself into!  Damn that girl!  She just stuck me with a pin and ran.  I'll catch her ass, and show her how it feels!  I ran and sure enough, I caught her.  I stuck not one time, but, two times!  She cried. She deserved it.  I was mad now!  I didn't like being stuck with a pin.

Ouch!  _____!!!  That hurt like ____!!!  I chased that boy until I grabbed him by his shirt, and I stuck him in the _____!  That'll teach you to stick me!

I've got to get away from this church... it's dangerous here!  I thought my life was hell, but, this was something else.  I wanted to go back to grandma and George's!

I stood on the church steps watching those boys and girls running, laughing and............. bleeding!!!  I looked on my arms and sure enough, there was blood running down my arm.  What the____?!!!

A boy ran up to stick me again, I stopped him in his tracks.  I told him he would be most sorry if he stuck me with that pin, I wasn't playing anymore!  He laughed and ran back to stick somebody else!

I came to this new church and feared for my very soul... that preacher said somebody would surely go to hell.  I could see 'why'... those kids were mean!  They needed to be inside listening to the preacher so, he could scream and scare the hell out of them.  He'd already scare it out of me!

I peeped back in the door of the church... there were grownups lying all around in that floor!  They were moaning, talking strange, why.... that looks like that white stuff on their mouths!  Amen!  Hallelujah!  That preacher shouted.  I can't take no more, I've got to go... no where is it calm, or safe for me!

I keep looking toward the street... it isn't far to just walk back to grandma and George's!  I'm going to walk back home!  No one is paying attention to me, those kids were too busy sticking each other with those pins!

I walked back to grandma and George's and swore to myself that I wouldn't be going to church with that lady again.  I knew I'd surely go to hell if I did... I didn't like those kids sticking me with pins....

Taboo... Drinking Blood

TABOO...  Drinking Blood

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES

Fuzzy and happy..2 shot glasses full... juices left over from a steak... the essence of another...mating ritual... giving a part of your spirit, your energy... vamping out, severe cravings for..................................................

Blood.  I have been watching a documentary on vampire 'people'.  I've been watching them put little 'Xs' on the skin, criss-crossing the skin with a razor... and drinking the blood before it cools.  I can't even imagine 'drinking someone's blood'.  I've been watching them 'slurp' it up!

I won't knock it because... it might be good, but, I can say I don't want to be ... full of someone else's red-red
blood!  I would waste it by getting sick.  One woman says 'it's just a part of life'.  They say that drinking blood is a way of 'embracing life'.

I think I would rather hug someone, and let that be my way of embracing life.  I think I'll let my hugs be my 'part of life'.

I was thinking of the disadvantages 'for me to drink your blood'....

First of all, if any dripped out of my mouth when I was savoring it... it would drip red on 'everything'!  I would have a hard time getting the bloodstains out...and gracious, suppose someone knocked at the door!  Would I go to answer the door with a bloody smile?  It might be good if there are people there with ill intentions.... they'd be scared of me', instead me scared of them... they would 'know I might bite them!'  I bite... anyway!  :)))

Red isn't my favorite color, though I like it!  But... I don't want your blood!  You might need it!  I don't want to need your blood, nor do I want to crave it!

I was thinking that if there were a lot of 'bloodsuckers' in a crowd... and someone accidently got cut.... would everyone rush with their mouths open, tongues flicking in and out in anticipation to get your blood?  Seems like there is a danger of being 'sucked up'.

I can think of a lot of situations people have 'blood'... like in hospital... one's IVs.  Can you imagine someone who needs some blood standing there with that 'craving gleam' in their eyes, a little crazy half-grin on their lips, that ole tongue licking their lips?  In and out... in and out.......................................................................

I can 'see' it now... they pull that little razor out and put an 'X' on your bag of blood... and stick a straw in it, suck out a couple shot glasses of it, put a band aid over the hole to seal it up.  You are lying there watching in disbelief, all the while thinking you are 'high' on medicines!  Who are you going to tell, what are you going to say?  Press the call button to tell the nurse 'hey, someone is in here with a straw in my bag of blood sucking it all gone!'  Of course, she wouldn't believe you.

I don't like the metallic taste of blood.  Yes, I've tasted blood, I know you have too.  Oh my gosh, I wouldn't want to crave blood and someone's 'nose began to bleed'!  I wouldn't want to suck a nose!

I'm thinking now... I don't knock those vampires but, I don't want to be one.  I have respect for everyone else's beliefs.  It doesn't mean I believe in them, or want to practice them.  I'm not ever going to let anyone see my nose bleed!  One never knows who is watching... or how fast someone could... jump on your nose!  :)))

Yes... I know this sounds silly, but...I, like you.... sometimes have very silly thoughts.  Someone could be standing close by... with that 'craving gleam' in their eyes, that little crazy half-grin, that ole tongue flicking ...in and out, in and out.... in and out!  Oh, I'm going to watch my nose, too!  You just might want to watch yours... too!

I wonder what that man is looking at...standing over there... he seems to be ... is his tongue flicking over his lips.. why, I wonder 'if' that's a crazy, little grin on ... his mouth?  His eyes..... wait a minute... he's not craving blood... I think he is just chewing on his gum!   :)))