I Didn't Stay Down Long This Time ...

I Didn't Stay Down ... Long This Time
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... December 2014 ...


　

　

This weekend, I have been creating ... little Christmas trees, and an angel. The angel was created without me planning to create it. I love it!

It gave me the chance to 'save' a pretty piece (brooch), use it at the same time. Look at the angel head ... don't you think her head was worth saving?

For those who don't see the photos ... just come to my blog where all my photos are (or to Facebook.com/grannygee ) ... you can see my photos.

Skip loved my Christmas tree ... so, that made me happy I made it. I couldn't believe I could actually sit down long enough to create, be artistic. It wasn't easy at all to do such through the past four years.

I'm thinking ... I'm so much happier creating, making something colorful, happy, even beautiful!

This Christmas is the first time since Tommy has been gone. Who knew? I didn't know I would ever want to paint, draw, create again.

Writing ... writing has been the life boat I have been riding these four years ... I'm afraid to think what would have been if I couldn't have been writing. It was my only way to make the pain flow out of me ... like a stormy river. Sometimes, the waters were calm ... at an moment ... all hell would break open.

Grief is like that. One minute you think you are alright ... and you've got it licked ... the next thing you find yourself ... on the ground ... once again.
I just experienced it 'once again' ... last Sunday, in the most unexpected way. (come to my blog at http://happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com to read what I am talking about ... The End of Granny Gee).


All I can say 'now' ... is ... I have picked my ass up off the ground for the 'millionth' time ... pants are dusted off ... I'm living life again ... and I'm feeling happiness inside ... once again. I didn't stay down long, this time.


Photo/Story both owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Everything's Okay ... Everything Is Alright, Because ... I Have Made It So

Everything's Okay ... Everything Is Alright, Because ... I Have Made It So
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

 

My Book ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  Tommy will always be remembered

 

My Soul hurts ... or is that my Heart aching ... something hurts, I'm not sure which it is ... Soul ... Heart. I wonder 'really' ... what the difference is? Really ... what is the difference? You think I would know. Soul-ache ... Heartache?

Just because everything ... is alright, doesn't mean pain 'just disappeared' ... just like that. But, you know that ... I know you do, because ...

Because ... I don't have a monopoly on pain. Because ... I'm not the only one who hurts, who has hurt.

You know how it feels ... there are many of you ... who hurt worse than I do ... in a worse way that makes it much harder in your life's journey ... to get to where ... 'everything's going to be alright'.

Sadly ... there are people who might not get to a point in time ... to know 'everything really can be ... alright' ... enough, to be able to cope with their pain. Sadly, there are people who will never know, they are damaged so much ... or they aren't here, anymore.

I can only say from 'all' in my life, I'm fortunate to 'know' ... I promise you, there's so much more than I have even told you, or will tell you that have caused me grief, pain from the time of being a little child, through the years ... until now.

I 'kept trudging through storm after storm, time and time again' ... I fell down, crawled, fought tooth and nail to get back up ... cried, screamed, kicked inside ... sometimes, aloud ... when no one was around.

Mostly all ... was done in silence ... no one knew the difference as I didn't share my private feelings with them. Pride ... wouldn't let me. That big, bright smile everyone loved to see ... I showed it to make ... people, happy. It didn't matter if I wasn't ... inside.

I smiled bigger ... whenever someone would say to me that they just knew ... I was the happiest person around. Well, I guess them saying that ... did make me feel that way. I was glad I didn't pull their moods down ... I was glad ... I fooled them, didn't have to be questioned. I want them to be alright ... I can take care of me.

Somehow, each time ... everything got to a place where ... it was alright; enough so, I could live with the ... aftermath. You'd be surprised what a human being's Heart can take ... I feel grief for the ones ... who couldn't.

I was almost one of them at several times in my life ... I know how it feels to 'get to that point in time' ... right to the moment of making the decision to ... I've been past the ... point of no return. Somehow ... I came back, through no choice of mine.

Am I here for a good reason ... is it possible for this one person ... nobody special ... to make any kind of positive impact on this old world? I can't imagine. I only have one Heart ... it does care about ... the whole world.

Really, does one Heart matter? Does mine? I'm no one compared to the millions of people in this world. Does it matter that I care about you, them ... everyone?

I don't have any money to show, give you ... I don't have anything to show you I care. Can you feel it? Does it matter? Will you laugh at me, think 'what does it matter if she can't give me anything'? Would 'just knowing, sensing' ... that this person cares ... mean anything? Could it? Who am I? What does it matter?

I'm no different ... yet, I am ... from the thousands of people my age ... who are getting older. I will one day ... be old.

How can one person stand out among so many people? I have watched older people being ignored for the simple fact ... that they are 'old'. I've watched them be looked over, not listened to because ... everyone knows an old person 'don't know nothing'.

I've watched older people be yelled at ... because ... old people are deaf, dumb ... stupid. Their feelings don't matter ... because they are old farts. Who cares about them? Their time has come, gone.

'Old' people are nobody ... now. Let's walk all over them ... wish them to die as soon as possible so, we can take all their good belongings ... especially money, and enjoy it ourselves. They just stand in the way ... between us, and a good time ... all because ... they are breathing air we need.

How can it matter what one person feels ... among so many people? We are like a field of flowers ... all beautiful ... how in the world can one flower ... stand out? Yet ... somehow, we do.

I want to be a beautiful flower ... I want to stand out for being a good person. Does it even matter ... at The End? Does it?

If I died this moment ... wouldn't I be forgotten? That lady who wrote about pain, grief ... yet, had such a love for people, animals? Who cried in secret for the pain ... people, pets have to suffer through? Who loved her Husband, Pups with her very being ... who was loyal, decent, honest to them?

Does any of this ... really matter? Does it? What's so special about that?

I can draw, paint ... write. I can do many things ... at least, a little enough for someone to take a little notice. I don't do any one thing ... great. If I could sing ... I shouldn't have mentioned that ... it brings back 'bad memories' ... not bad-bad :)

It's just almost as soon as I think of 'me singing' ... I think of the time I was in the church choir as a child ... I was told not to sing ... out loud. Only when I felt defiant ... I would sing aloud, stare at anyone who looked at me to shut up ... damn, I wanted to sing, too!

There were certain people, I have to be honest ... if they looked at me with those mean-ass, beady eyes with pursed lips ... I would deliberately sing 'worse' ... to fix them! Yes ... I can be 'mean' sometimes, :) Life happens, is all I got to say about it.

Why in the world would I be defiant? Why did I do that? Did it matter? I know it pissed off some old people, when I did that. Was it meant ... that they ... needed to be pissed off? I can hear Tommy saying ... "well, isn't it better to be pissed off ... than to be pissed on"?

I smile ... Tommy was so darn funny ... when he and Skip got together ... oh my, the entertainment I got to enjoy, watching and listening to them. Can you imagine how I miss that? Does it even matter? Does it matter, that I had such feelings? When I die, no one will know that ... if they do, who cares?

Sometimes ... I write to entertain ... myself. Sometimes ... well, I used to, but ... no more, I used to do silly things to send in a video to Tommy on the road, to make him laugh. He would crack up ... call me, and say ... "Mama, is you crazy"? He did the same things. It was just so funny.

One of those things I did ... was to sing. Yep, that's right. I knew he would get a kick out of that. His mama could not ... sing. His mama's son ... could not sing, either! The laughs we got out of 'trying to sing' ... Tommy would tell me he was going to audition on American Idol. I'd beg him not to, ha! He would say, "Mama, you are just jealous because I can sing ... and you can't"!

Tommy ... can you tell I miss my son? Can you tell I loved him with my very Mother's Heart? Can you tell I'll always ... cry for Tommy ... even when I'm at my happiest? Can you tell? Does it matter? How can it matter to anyone ...

Skip, Tommy, and I ... were so close. Being ourselves ... being there for the other ... knowing we weren't alone as long as we had each other, no matter where we were in this big, old world ... meant everything.

Skip, Tommy, and I ... and our Pups. Like a strong, sturdy table with four legs ... now, it only has 3 legs, now. Strong 3 legs ... now. I'm holding my side up 'good', now. I don't plan to fall down ... if I do ... watch my ass get up, support that table again. That ... table is my world ... Skip, and our Pups ... and Me. Yes, it ... matters :)

Yes ... it matters. Why? Because it's a part of my life ... to live is for all to matter. If not ... what's the purpose of living? I care about everything that touches my life, my thoughts ... my everything. I care about people who don't care about me, I care about things I can't change. Does it matter?

Since Sunday, when ... 'Granny Gee' died ... when her little grandson looked at her without the special 'Granny Gee light' in his eyes ... didn't run calling 'Granny Gee' like he used to ... didn't really want to come hug me ... I've been experiencing a 'bad' time.

I would think I was alright ... when I would realize I wasn't; Skip would say he knew 'why' I wasn't myself ... because I became upset easily.

I would come to my computer, hoping to be inspired to write. I just couldn't (now ... I just stayed up most of the night :). Now ... I have written my thoughts ... shared them with you.

Before I quit writing (it's morning, now!), I want to tell you how seeing all the things each of you wrote to me on Facebook, emails, messages ... meant so much to me.

Did it matter? Yes ... yes, it did from every single person. It meant my world. I 'felt' the words from each of you ... it was like putting logs on the fireplace ... my Heart felt the warmth it needed to keep beating. I needed your words ... it's simple as that ... they all mattered to me. I'm telling you ... if I didn't, how could you know ... that it mattered greatly to ... me?

Does it matter to you ... what I think? Who cares? Regardless ... I've sat here, most of the night ... plucking thoughts from the air, as I thought them ... writing about them, sharing them with you.

Grief, pain ... emotional turmoil have been with me once again ... since Sunday... this morning is Thursday at 5:47 am.

Am I alright? Yes ... I can finally say ... yes. Why? Because ... I kept working at coping with Sunday's event. I made myself face it ... I have two grandchildren ... I don't have two grandchildren. Either way, I accept ... both ways, I accept. I have let go of it ... I can't change it.

I can live with it, now. This has nothing to do with all my Special Grandmother's Love for them ... that's forever. If I never saw them again while I am living ... my Love will live on for them.

They will read it one day ... at least, there will be a part of me that lives on ... my words that I write. It does matter that both of them know that I loved them ... no matter, if they are growing up to think their father's mother isn't special in their lives.

Everything's okay ... everything's alright ... because I have made it so.



Photos/Story are both owned by me, #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  I have finally got to the point ... everything's going to be alright. 

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　
　

THE END of 'Granny Gee' ... She Died, Yesterday

THE END of 'Granny Gee' ...  She Died, Yesterday
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

 

 

Truthfully ... I am 'Granny Gee' ... in name, only. It'll never-ever be 'Granny Gee' ... in real life, again. 

At this point in my life ... with what happened yesterday ... 'I' ... would never-ever allow it to be 'more than name, only' ... ever again.

Before, I explain what I mean ... keep these facts in mind. I am not going to argue with anyone about 'how I feel'. I 'feel' it ... this is the way I am reacting to it at this time ... 'I could' ... change one day. It's not the end of the world ... for-real, everything will be alright.

It's my way ... of coping with something so painful ... that almost sent me back into the 'grieving world'. I'm stronger than I even knew ... I'm a good person ... the love I feel for my grandson, granddaughter ... is always there. I'm not 'there' ... but, my love is.

Everything you might want to say ... please don't. I know those things, already. This is how I feel at the moment ... everything is alright.

Also, I was crushed with the most powerful wave of pain, yesterday. To tell you the truth ... it's been hard to 'get my ass up off the ground' ... once again. No more ... I have promised myself ... no more. It was as bad as Tommy dying ... only this precious person is living. Nevertheless ... I saw yesterday ... he is gone. Forever ... gone.

I have also, thanked God ... for letting my life as a child up ... be hard, painful, full of grief. There's no way I could bear all the pain, grief in my life if ... I hadn't been conditioned to it. Now ... with that in mind ... it doesn't mean I don't still hurt ... because I can't even tell you how bad it hurts.

You won't have to tell me things I know ... I know as a grandparent, I have rights to see my grandchildren. I'm not going to exercise it ... I believe if people feel a certain way ... respect it. Go on about your life ... respect their feelings. Never ... ever ... force yourself on another person. I could never-ever ... do that.

I know this much ... people are going ... to respect my feelings. We all have a choice in ... how we are treated. I'm going ... to be treated with respect ... I'm going to 'respect you'. I believe in that with all my Heart.

Just before Tommy died ... I was by Tommy's side as he fought in court to get joint custody of his daughter, how it almost destroyed him. He got joint custody ... I will tell you what I learned watching this as it progressed.

I learned no matter the love, doing everything that child wanted to do ... she never showed him love at all. It almost destroyed Tommy ... just before he died. He loved her, would have died for her. He would have done the same for my granddaughter's mother. He loved her. She knew it ...

No matter what, the mother fought tooth and nail ... to destroy any bond between ... father and daughter. She succeeded. They didn't want any of the father, father's family to ever be a part of her life.

Why? I think I can understand ... they were all the family on her mother's side, the child needed. I grew up in a 'crazy' way ... I know how crazy ... people can be ... think. I have learned that if you are a 'father' ... things can turn out bad, if there's a divorce.

A woman is going to always win ... 'one way or other'. Tommy didn't win anything but, joint custody. It didn't do him any good, because the mother, step-father was turning his own child against him the whole while. They .... won.

The step-father wanted to adopt her, put his last name on hers ... they wanted to pretend Tommy 'had never been' ... We know that isn't possible, no matter what. The step-father did it all with a sweet smile, thinking no one knew. As long as people have mouths ... they are going to talk. Talk ... they will.

She went on to discourage any contact with Tommy's family. I ... respect that. 'Why' would I cause grief for a precious grandchild? I wouldn't ... period. She knew that ... she knew I'd always be nice, go my way ... never cause a problem ... because I'm not 'like that'. I'm not, that's true.

You can be ugly all you want to be ... I don't want to. Just remember ... I can ... be just as ugly, uglier ... but, only if I'm pushed into a corner. You can't underestimate a nice person ... think you can walk all over them ... and they never break. They ... always ... have ... an ... eye ... on ... you.

There's so much here that I won't write about ... one doesn't write 'everything' about their life ... there are boundaries. I'm no exception ... I have boundaries, I ... won't let anyone cross.

I write about real life ... real pain ... real grief. Life happens ... my poor little brother who is gone, now ... used to say (I never could say this one, ha!) ... 'shit happens'. He said it right ... it does.

I will say this about my beautiful granddaughter ... last year, I contacted the mother once again about seeing her. Something she said, stuck in my mind ... all this time. I 'connect dots' in life ... eventually ... I put two and two together.

She was very adamant about my granddaughter 'was going to grow up to be somebody' ... she repeated it over, and over. Doesn't every grandparent want their grandchild to have the best in life? 'Why' would she think I wouldn't want her to grow up ... 'be somebody'. I, now ... know 'why' she said that.

It comes from a greedy person who is trying to keep distance between this grandmother, and her granddaughter ... to hide 'what she did'. That's okay ... when you do wrong ... things have a way of coming back ... when it bites you in the ass ... it can, will ... be hard to pick up the pieces.

Hopefully ... I am there in the background ... witnessing the pain she has caused me throughout the time I grieved for my son's death. She has ... two sons ... There's one difference ... I care; I have compassion ... I don't want to see her experience grief, pain.

She never felt for the 'extra pain, grief' ... she added on this mother as she 'died inside' ... from the loss of her only child. I don't doubt ... she laughed about it. I would be afraid to be in her shoes ... when karma catches up to her.

You just wouldn't believe ... 'why' don't I write about it ... pure respect for another person's business; it's her life, and ... as long as she doesn't touch my life with hers, hey ... we are going to be okay.

'She' is reading this, now. I'm being kind to her ... when I know nine out of ten people ... would create pure hell for her ... knowing all she has done. I forgive ... to live with myself. The first part of my life was living with a raging fire in my Heart ... pure hate toward people that affected my life in a negative way. I've forgiven ... now, I am at peace ... 'inside'. Oh my, the difference it makes ...

Yesterday ... I almost regressed to hating ... to wanting to 'show someone a thing or two' ... because I could. I'm not going to go down that road ... it takes away from the road I've chosen in life to travel ... now.

I will be honest, here ... for several hours ... I hated with my very soul ... I found that raging fire that I thought ... went out. It didn't go out ... it's been sitting back there all these years. My mind began working ... preparing to 'pay the bitch back for hurting me' since before, after my child died. I knew some 'sure things' that would 'fix her' ... she doesn't even know I know these things.

Oh, I allowed my hate to really burn ... talk about a raging fire ... it would be hard for someone to have matched it ... I began thinking how to 'set things into motion' ...

Now ... to know me ... very few people do in this life ... is to know, that 'while I'm hating ... I also, love'. Isn't that an awful way to be ...

Hellfire ... how 'can you kick a person's ass' ... when they hurt you to your very soul ... if you love them? In all fairness ... this is the 'first' time ... I almost ... almost let go of being a good person. I almost ... quit loving her.

Oh God ... my thoughts were ... 'I hate you with my very soul, my very Heart' ... the truth is the truth. Yes, I know how ugly that sounds ... but, I damn-well thought it. My thoughts were uglier ... than what I told you. That's right ...

By last night ... I was so sorry I felt this way toward her. When the pain went away in my stomach ... I no longer felt hate, anger. When Skip asked me for the fourth, fifth time if I was going to be alright ... I could honestly answer him ... yes.

What this person did ... there's no way it ... can't ... catch up to her ... no matter how fast she runs. Oh ... and I don't have 'to die' ... it isn't going to matter. It's going to get her ... bite her in the ass ... it's just a matter of time. I know this for a fact ... I know this for a 'pure' fact.

If I were her ... I would go to each of the four people, tell the truth ... if someone is going to hate you ... let it be ... at least, you tried. I'll say this much ... I won't hate you ... though, I should be the very one to. You've been a very bad ... girl.

Greed ... money ... partying ... good fun, while letting a no-good man mistreat your child, talk down to him ... nothing to show 'now' for that good time. You didn't finish college ... grief helped you to party, have fun ... not go back to school, finish what you began.

You couldn't go to school because you couldn't 'focus'. You could focus on having a good time ... while everything else in your life became unimportant. Some things should never ... become unimportant ... but, you'll know that in your life ... sooner, than you think.

I've always loved you, even when ... you told lies to cover yourself ... in the process, helped to turn my granddaughter, her mother against me. I loved them ... you should have never done this.

At least that one time, you told me you weren't going to 'let your ass rule your head' ... anymore. Did you know ... you went up a notch in my ... respect book ... when you said that? You always were crude, I didn't like that about you ... it was embarassing at times. I accepted that about you ... it was 'you'. To love someone ... is to know them ....

Your lies are going to come out ... before you know it. I'm afraid some will hate you ... and that 'bridge' will be burned for you. I pray that it doesn't affect a ... sister, and her brother. If so, that would be most terrible ... and ... your fault.

I promise you, if I'd let that raging fire consume me ... I would come out the winner. Why would I want do that? I wouldn't ... it no longer matters. 'I don't have to show anyone ... anything' ... life will take care of that ... their lives will take a toll. I don't have to do a thing.

When I was a little girl ... I always fought the boys to be 'king/queen' ... of the mountain. They 'whipped my ass' ... but, I didn't stop ... until I was. It meant a lot to me, then. Now ... I don't feel the need to be ... I am.

I am the 'queen' in my life ... I don't have to prove a thing. I'm not God ... I won't be the one doting out your punishment for your sins ... just as you aren't in my life. You will have to cope with what you've done in life ... just as I cope with what I've done in life ... be it good, bad.

I'm not spiteful ... though ... as a young girl, I was very good at being ... spiteful. I learned from the best ... I grew up with all the bad things ... being 'second-nature' to me. No matter, I didn't want to be that way ... I still 'knew' how to be ...

It doesn't matter if I live to see it, or not ... think about it ... all these years when we did wrong ... haven't we had to 'pay for it ... one way or other'? If you are a good person 'now' ... didn't it come from 'learning your lesson'? I rest my case. How can you be good ... if you've never been ... at least ... a little bad? Experience is what it's all about ... no matter what, your actions become most important once ... you learn a lesson.

The reason I know this person will suffer greatly until she makes amends to the four people she has lied to ... to keep them apart to hide what she did (it always stems to ... money) ... is that, basically ... she is a good person, and has a conscience ... her heart hurts when she hurts people.

The sad thing ... is she feels she has gone such a distance down the road she is on ... it's too hard to come back ... 'bridges could be burned, forever' ... she might not have the strength to find a way back. People don't tend to look for other ways to 'cross over' ... they see the bridge gone ... that's ... the end. It isn't ... when you mean business. Hellfire, make a ...... raft! Hitch a ride on a boat coming by! Do anything ... come back.

My own life is most important to me ... I've found happiness in the past weeks ... and ... 'I be damned if I'm going to allow someone to take it away from me, now'. I never knew for the rest of my life ... I would ever be able to take pleasure in any of my life ... before I died. I honestly didn't know I could find the peace, happiness in my Heart ... that somehow ... has been given to me these past weeks.

This grieving mother ... didn't know she'd be living ... today. She is living today ... will be here for as long as she's allowed to be. So, 'this person who wishes I was dead' ... 'put that in your pipe, smoke it' ... I 'ain't going nowhere' ... you ... don't steer my ship. I made it this far ... I'm holding my ground.

I'm holding my ground in the nicest, quietest, strongest way ... possible. It won't interfere with your ship ... we can share the same waters ... just keep your boat out of my way; I'll do the same. If you come in peace ... I'm always here for you ... you can come on my ship to visit ... anytime.

I ... don't have to be mean, ugly ... to do it. I've weathered ... worse storms ... than 'you'. They only strengthened me for storms ... like you. I've learned where to put 'extra' in my ship to keep it prepared for storms ... this is one strong ship. Of course, ever so often ... I find a ... damn leak! Last night, I patched up a big-ass hole in my ship! It's patched, now ... everything's going to be alright.

Yesterday, Skip and I were in Sheetz. We saw my precious grandson, his mother standing ... talking to several EMT's. I watched my grandson talk, ask questions.

I thought to myself ... he's going to be somebody, one day. He is very interested in everything ... not only that, he'll grow up with confidence ... to go after what he wants in life.

He has ... a good mother ... who doesn't hold him back. Both of my grandchildren ... have very good mothers. I wish I could have known such as a child.

I watched him with pride ... I watched a child who looked so much like the child I had, many years ago. I thought, 'that's my ... grandson'!

They turned to walk away ... something made me follow. I spoke, and said 'You aren't going to walk away without speaking to me, are you'? My grandson was already standing at the door, getting ready to go out ... his mother smiled, spoke to me. She looked over to my grandson, asked him if he knew who this woman was ...

My precious grandson, the one child I was very close to ... who always ran when he would see me, calling 'Granny Gee'! looked at me ... slightly nodded his head, 'yes' ... looked down to the floor.

The worse pain (like when Tommy died, almost) ... hit me in the stomach ... it came out of nowhere ... I felt as if I would faint ... all of this happened ... no one could 'see' it. I thought I was ... going to 'die' ... from the pain.

No one saw anything but ... a pathetic, older lady standing there ... softly smiling a 'stupid-ass' ... smile. No one noticed a 'Granny Gee' standing there ... teethering on the edge of a precipice ... ready to fall, to drown in the sea of grief ... once more.

(I have to smile, here .... the word ... 'precipice' ... reminds me of Tommy ... he and I always matched vocabulary, too. We loved to catch the other mispronounce/misspell a word!)

His mother asked him something to the effect, 'aren't you going to hug your Granny Gee'? I shook my head 'no' ... I told her not to do that ... I spoke to her in a soft voice ... 'no,please don't make him come to hug me'.

I don't want anyone to ever ... hug me, unless they do it on their own. Don't hug me ... stay the f ..... away from me, if you can't do it on your own. That's right. If you don't feel it ... don't do it, period. I've always been like that ... getting older doesn't change a thing.

She said it once again ... my precious grandson dutifully ... walked over to 'barely hug' me ... never feeling the love he once held for his 'Granny Gee'.

At this time, I'm going all to pieces, 'inside'. All I wanted to do was to get away, crawl under a house ... lick my wounds. I got my ass kicked ... my legs knocked out from under me ... and the crazy thing is ... no one could see 'all of this terrible pain, grief, turmoil' ... standing in front of them.

Oh my ... the realization of 'who' ... kicked my ass down to the ground ... later, hit me. My own son's son ... my own precious grandson. I'm sure he never meant to hurt me, as I would never hurt him.

He just shouldn't have been 'pushed' to come hug some old bitch ... standing there, looking pathetic as hell ... knowing he always ... loved her ... would never hurt ... her. Why ... that old bitch ... was his precious Granny Gee; his father's mother ... the father he loved with his very Heart.

I hugged him gently, quietly told him what a nice, handsome boy he was growing into. I told him, 'I love you' ... after that ... all became a fog as I was trying to leave as soon as I possibly could. I didn't want them to 'see' the pain I was in ... I was thrown back into the sea of grief, pain ... I'd spent four years trying to get out of.

Now, I was ... drowning ... again. I didn't see that coming ... life is short, you can die ... before you know it! Did anyone see me 'dying', there? If so, everyone was moving around in a calm way ... even I was. The storm ... was 'inside' ... a vicious storm; one helluva storm was tearing me up ... once again.

I begin trying to find my life saver ... Skip! Please help me! All I wanted was to find Skip ... I knew everything would be alright.

The only person who saw, heard ... was Skip. I didn't even see him ... I was trying to find him. He was so worried I would go back to being like I was ... back into the grief, and state of mind I'd been in since Tommy died.

All in my mind, was ... my precious grandson, for the first time ever, didn't run calling 'Granny Gee, Granny Gee'! run up to me, to hug me. I didn't see the special light in his eyes I had always saw in the past ... I thought I was going to faint. I even thought about ... just dying ... for a moment.

This one child I'd always been closest to, loved most in this world ... wasn't happy to see me for the first time. Instantly the thought went through my mind ... 'children reflect their parents' thoughts ... it's like peering into a mirror' ...

I was the one who'd get on the floor to play with him ... sit on the couch talking to him as we both 'kicked our feet' in pure happiness ... I would become a ... child ... get down to his level, to play with my grandson.

Why, we used to play in the sand, together ... mold play dough ... together. We would joke, say funny things like Tommy and I did ... look into each other's eyes, become tickled because that made it more funnier.

My grandson ... my only grandson ... no grandson ... he's 'gone', now. That was The End ... I have no family left, for-real, now. All gone, never to be again. I would never-ever allow it to be, 'now' ... I'm not setting myself up for pain, again. Go your way, I'll go mine.

This is real life ... real life hurts like hell. You don't have to die ... to go to Hell. Ask me ... I know. Hell burns in me ... it was there when I was born.

Hellfire, my folks used to guard one of the portals to Hell ... I used to live 'right there'. I could have been a demon ... how did I not be? How in the ... Hell ... did I have a Heart full of love ... coming from Hell?

Was it all a waste of time ... grandmother-grandson time? My 'Granny Gee' time ... didn't last long. It ended ... yesterday. I'm thankful for what I did have during the seven years he has been on this earth. I hope I never have to hurt his Heart one day ... because I'm not going to be there if he comes looking for me.

I used to wish for that ... I don't want that, anymore. I want to go to my grave, now ... with the least pain I'll ever feel again. I could ... die ... from much of this kind of pain ... losing a son, granddaughter ... and my grandson. I don't want ... more. I am going to have to think about ... finding a ... bubble to live in.

All evening, I was in shock ... oh my ... in pain, grieving ... once again. Poor Skip ... he was so worried that I wouldn't feel happy, would go back into the state of mind I lived in for the past four years. We both, were right 'here at the holidays' ... things beginning to look up for us, once again. 'Now ... this happened' ... Skip didn't think I'd ... get past ... this time.

At the same time I was trying to 'save myself', 'inside' ... I was feeling Skip's feelings. We are so close ... I could hear concern in his voice each time he'd ask me, "Are you going to be alright, Baby Girl"? I would smile quietly at him ... trying to appear to be alright.

After several hours went by ... the pain in my stomach went away. Oh, thank-God ... that terrible pain went away in my stomach.

That goes to show you that you don't have to be sick, or be physically hit to feel such pain 'inside'. Mental pain is ... potent ... it can, will knock one to the ground in an instant ... you don't have to see it coming.

The last time Skip asked me if I was going to be okay, I heard such relief in his voice. I told him honestly, the last time he asked me ... 'Oh yes, 'now' I'm alright ... I didn't come this far to finally see what happiness felt like again ... to let it be taken away from me'.

Once the pain left my stomach ... I was alright. I could think straight ... I could put things in perspective. I could see how both of them, myself could be 'like we were' ... I could understand. I cared.

No matter what ... everything is going to be alright. I've survived many 'bad' things ... cancer, death of my only child, our home burnt down .... losing family member by family member, one by one; the very people I truly loved. I've experienced 'bad' things I'll never write about ... things, I decide to write about.

The one consistent thing is ... that ... no matter how bad ... somehow, everything will ... be alright. No matter what ... no matter what ... no matter what.

Even ... with the end of being ... Granny Gee. I will still stay 'Granny Gee' ... Tommy wanted that to be the special name for his son to call his mother. I'm Granny Gee in name only ... though it's the end of being a real ... Granny Gee.

　

　

　

　

Note: 

Photo, story are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. 

This happened yesterday ... almost sending me back into the long, dark journey I just came from.  (December 07, 2014)...

Skip is my life-saver ... he was there, to 'save me' from drowning once again ... in the sea of grief, pain.

'Granny Gee' ... died yesterday ... only the words live on ... they were Tommy's words, the name he wanted his son to call his own mother. 

The End of Granny Gee ... I am Granny Gee ... in words, only.
　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　
　

Hell ... To The Yeah!

Hell ... To the Yeah!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

What can I say?  I'm not perfect ... and this is one of my 'fun' faces ... and I bet you have one, also.  :)  I can't apologize .. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... oh .... hell to the yeah!  :)

　

　


'Hell ... to the yeah'! Now, I know you're wondering what in the 'Sam Hell' is Gloria ... Granny Gee ... doing, saying 'Hell ... To The Yeah'!

Just that! Ha! For some darn reason, these four words are staying in my mind. I heard them ... over a month ago! When I heard them, they came out of the mouth of an ... old hippie.

Why in the world has those four words stuck in my mind ... make me laugh? Words entertain me ... some, more than others. I don't know every word there is ... wish I had an even bigger, fancier vocabulary ... that's alright ... what I do have ... tickles me to death!

Hell ... to the yeah! This is my interpretation of 'hell ... to the yeah' ... I think it triples the enjoyment of something! I think it means someone is 'just damn happy as hell'. Hell ... to the yeah!

I think if I were a drinking woman ... and it made me feel good to drink ... I'd be yelling ... 'hell to the yeah'! Feels good, give me another one! Good! Extra ... hell to the yeah!

Now, I told you I am in no way perfect. I never pretend ... I do try to act nice ... always. It doesn't stop real thoughts from coming into my mind ... it doesn't stop automatically if there's an 'ugly' word .... :) Sometimes ... things do strike me as ... funny!

I won't even try to stop myself from hearing something because it has an ugly word in it. If it entertains me ... so be it! Words are like people in a way ... just because some aren't pretty ... doesn't mean I don't like, or enjoy them. Right? Hell ... to the yeah!

If you agree ... would you have the nerve to say ... 'hell to the yeah'?!!!

　


Photo/story is owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

　

　
　

Let Your Character Work For You ... I'm In Control

Let Your Character Work For You ... I'm In Control
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... photo is of me, owned by me.  2014



　

　

I'm not going to do it ... no matter you try to make me. Oh ... if 'I want to say that' ... I will. I can do anything ... I want to do.

I poured myself another mixed drink. The liquid felt good going down my dry throat. Pretty soon ... I copped a buzz. I felt relaxed ... sleepy. I thought about taking a nap ...

No, hell ... you don't! I want to take a nap right this minute! I can ... do anything ... say anything. That's right ... I said 'hell'. If I want to ... I can say more than just 'hell'. This is ... all about 'me', you know.

I'm not going out the damn door at this time of night! I'm relaxed, sleepy ... I've copped a mellow, wonderful ... fuzzy buzz! I choose ... not to get up from this comfortable chair ... I choose not to walk across the wooden floor to the door ... open it, go out into the pitch black night.

I'm afraid of the dark, anyway. Don't be sending me into places, situations that scare me. I'm not anyone's hero ... not even my own hero. I avoid situations that put me into danger.

Put me down, don't make me get up from this wonderful chair I'm sitting in. Don't be making me do things ... when at the moment ... I don't want to do anything! Leave me the hell alone!

I got to my feet, feeling a little unsteady. I didn't want to get up ... my feet began to walk, one foot in front of the other. Son of a ...bitch! I said I didn't want to get up!

I walked to the door, reached out for the door knob. I don't want to turn that door knob! I heard a noise ... someone could be waiting just outside the door ... to knock me in the head! I tried to take my hand off the knob ... you wouldn't let me.

The knob began to turn ... no! I know someone is outside that door ... I just heard them! I fought to lock the door back to no avail. The door opens, I feel the cold air on my face. A cold chill traveled down my spine ... I want back inside!

My feet began to carry me forward ... like I'm some brave hero. Such confidence I didn't feel inside ... I never heard it coming.

I awoke ... looked around. Where in the f___ am I?! A hospital? I see a curtain pulled around the bed I lay in. I began to remember ...

I didn't want to go outside ... I didn't want to talk ugly ... I'm not a hero. I was just fine, before this happened. By the way, what did ... you ... cause to happen to me, this time?!

The doctor walked in ... he called me by a name I didn't recognize. Hi Jasper ... looks like you are going to be with us for a while. You have two broken arms ... two broken legs ... a concussion ... we don't even know if you'll ever walk again.

I felt sick ... you really fixed my ass this time. I told you I am the one who is important here. I'm the one that makes your story. I can't understand why you just disabled me so, I can't do anything for weeks.

I don't like being quiet ... I hate to be in bed! I want to walk, run ... do things. I sat up, somehow ... making my arms help to raise me. I swing my legs over the side of the bed ... I'm going to walk out of here! My legs, my arms are working!

I put my clothes on, quickly. I'm getting the hell out of Dodge ... don't do that! Don't do that!

I awoke once again ... in that damn bed. The doctor walks in ... he calls me by a name I don't recognize. Hi Jasper ... looks like you are going to be with us for a while. You have two broken arms ... two broken legs ... a concussion ... we don't know if you'll ever walk again.

I'm not going through this again! I slung that damn sheet off my body ... my arms working good once again. I jumped to my feet ...danced from one foot to the other. I told you now, I'm not doing this! I am going to do it my way ... you can't write this story if you keep going against this character's will.

Write me the way I am ... let me be free ... don't force me! I'll be the character you want me to be. There are times ... I'm going to say what's on my mind ... do what I want to do. One of those things I'm not going to do something, is now ... be put in a damn bed for weeks to come. I'm not in the mood.

You use your pen, your imagination ... let me go to work for you. Relax ... have a mixed drink ... let's do this thing. Let your character work for you ... I'm in control.


Story is written by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
　

Third Time Could Be ... Fatal

Third Time Could Be ... Fatal
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 Photo/story belong to me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ...


                                             3

 

We were walking toward the store, watching for cars that were moving about in the parking lot. 

I began crossing over to walk into the store ... inside the white lines where pedestrians cross over at.

Skip grabbed me, pulled me back. Watch out! I looked to my right, a small, red car sped by, almost hitting me. My head turned to the left ... watching him drive too fast.

As he passed us, I looked inside the car. A young, black guy was driving ... he wouldn't look at me. I watched him drive away. I stood there, wondering what was he thinking. I wondered if he was sorry he almost hit me. Maybe ... he didn't give a damn.

We were on the way home, when I took my phone out. I heard something fall to the floor ... my stylus. I waited until we got to a stoplight, to open the door so, the light would come on ... I could look for it, then.

I leaned over with the door opened ... to look closely at the floor ... I heard something go by my head. I lifted myself up to see what it was.

A pickup truck came speeding by us ... so, he could go to the light, turn right. Well, nothing was wrong with that, excepting he was where he shouldn't have been ... there wasn't a lane for him to do that.

He shouldn't have been in that space at all ... he almost hit the door to my Expedition on the passenger side. He came too close to doing just that ... my head, shoulders would have been hit, also.

All the way home, I told myself I would be very careful of my movements. 'Three' ... is my number; there was only one to go ... to make it three.

I felt sort of anxious, I didn't want a third thing to happen. Thankfully, we made it home without incident. I came too close ... to being hurt seriously, tonight. I could have been killed. I didn't want ... a third thing to occur. That 'third' time ... could be ... fatal.

　
　

I Went To Hug Him ... He Hugged The Cookie Jar!

I Went To Hug Him ... He Hugged The Cookie Jar!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This is The Cookie Jar ... this cookie jar got my darn hug!  Guess what?  It was empty, at that!
Photo/story owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny


　


Skip was standing by the refrigerator ... in his hands was the big ... cookie jar. Now, Skip loves cookies! He really does ... he loves to dip them in his coffee.

I love cookies ... but, I can take them, or ... leave them. I swear Skip is in Cookie Heaven ... when he is dipping a cookie in coffee. It's a happy, cozy thing ... I totally understand it. I really do! But, not ...

When I looked at him standing by the refrigerator with that big cookie jar in his hands ... my Heart did a flip-flop! My Heart filled with such love for him ... it was a sweet scene! I wanted to hug him!

I walked to Skip to hug him ... my Heart full of such love. I was smiling a smile that reflected how I felt ... he smiled back.

It was like in a movie! Picture this ... me walking in slow motion to make the special moment last longer ... reaching out to hug my special husband ... he is smiling back at me ...

For just a brief moment, his arms almost ... reached to hug me ... I didn't believe what happened next!

He moved toward me, he looked down at his cookie jar ... and he ... hugged it, instead! Yes, he did!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow ... Has Made Me Cry, Today ... I Can't Go Back

Somewhere Over The Rainbow ... Has Made Me Cry, Today ... I Can't Go Back
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

　
Grandma Alma ... George in top photo.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee in middle, bottom photos. 




She began singing ... my Heart began filling with tears

Somewhere inside ... where my tears come from ... they began to fall



Fall from my eyes, drenching my lashes with diamond teardrops

The female voice sang ... Somewhere Over the Rainbow ... instantly throwing me into the past



A little girl sat cross-legged on the old, dusty, wooden floor... Hell forgotten for a few moments

Behind her ... sat an older woman, tears in her eyes ... beautiful smile on her face



An elderly man sat in an old, cane chair, his sightless eyes shining with a smile

The sweetest expression on his kind face ... an adult transported back to being a child



The little girl's Grandma Alma ... her step-grandfather, George

The kindest man she'd ever known ... the only grandfather she ever knew



The little girl who used to be ... me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Somewhere over the rainbow... has made me cry today ... I can't go back



I cry for the loss of grandparents I'll never see again ...

I cry, because, now ... I can appreciate them fully for the people they were



Little munchikins walk out dancing, singing ... Grandma Alma, George smile

Forgetting the hell they sat in ... focusing on the munchikins ... following the yellow brick road; happy ... magical moments in their life



The little girl smiled, laughed in delight ... in the mind of the older woman she has become today ... at her precious memory

Somewhere over the rainbow ... has made me cry, today ... I can't go back



Go back to a time, visit one such precious moment ... there were very few

I treasure the memory of smiles, laughter I can see ... hear in my mind from a time long gone



Something special in the midst of Hell ... a grandchild sitting, for a moment in ... Heaven

With her grandparents, laughing ... excited ... The Wizard of Oz just came on tv!



I heard a woman sing 'Over The Rainbow' today ... I was sent into the past

Somewhere over the rainbow ... has made me cry, today ... I can't go back

　

　

　
　

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing

It's So Funny ... That I Cry ... Laughing
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(November 20, 2014 ... my son, Tommy, would have been 44 years old, today ... somehow, I got his birthday, Thanksgiving Day mixed up) ...


　


I didn't know I would cry ... today. Hey, I really didn't think I would cry ... anymore. You know ... everything is ... alright. Didn't I tell you it was? If I 'tell you' ... then, it's so.


I haven't cried one time ... I've cried several times ... and the day is just getting started. It's only 8:56 am. I have a feeling ... I'm going to shed more tears as the day goes by.


Now ... I know the ... source ... of being more emotional for the past week ... the feeling of choking on my tears; the feeling that if I begin to cry, I won't be able to stop.


Yet ... I am happy, now. Why would I be crying if I'm so happy? Do you know ... I wouldn't even talk about this to anyone ... but, I made a promise to many people ... 'you'.


'You' ... my readers, followers, friends ... it's the very reason I began to write, to blog ... to share the most worst feeling in this world.  To share something I know well in my life since being a child ... pain, grief of losing someone all the time ... whether they lived, died.


I promised to tell you 'like it really is' ...what 'really goes on' at every stage of ... 'this mother's grief'. My grief for the loss of my only child, my son ... Tommy.


I can't speak for anyone else ... I don't talk to anyone about ... grief. I can't. I can tell them I care ... am on the same journey in life ... when a mother loses her child. I can say I 'know you hurt', because I have ... oh, my God, I still do. I can say it, because I 'really know ... am experiencing' it for the rest of my life.


I'll never be a mother again ... it's always going to be that way ... until I am taking my last breath. I will be a ... dead, motherless woman when that day comes. Oh no! I want to laugh ... that sounds so funny. It's honestly what came to my mind ... so, I said it.


It sounds so funny, I'm going to cry again. This kind of humor hurts ... I tell myself something 'funny' ... then, I cry. Then ... for a few seconds ... I am mad. But ... I don't go wasting my time, wishing for Tommy to come back. That's all it is ... a waste of time. He's not going to come back ... even if I stood on my head. Nothing I do, say ... is going to change a thing. I'm not going to keep banging my head against the wall ...


I feel the waves of pain wash over me ... making my whole body shudder under the weight. My tears add to the already deep ocean of grief ... I've cried since the evening of May 29, 2010 ... has it been that long? It doesn't seem like that long ... until I actually said, wrote it.


Should I somehow, stop grieving automatically 'by now'? Is there something I don't know that other grieving mothers know? Am I grieving right ... is there a wrong, or right way? I ... learn as I go. I already knew how to grieve ... I lost most all my family.


It was just that I didn't know how to grieve for the loss ... of 'my own flesh, blood' ... my only child.


I know ... now. I'm still crying for Tommy ... I thought I could fool myself. I thought if 'I told you all' ... that everything's alright, that I didn't think I would cry anymore ... then, I wouldn't. I thought if I 'told you' ... then, I 'couldn't' cry anymore. This was my first test since telling you ... I'm sorry I lied to you.


I thought I would make myself never cry again ... because I would have to tell you ... I lied to you. Well, I did lie to you ... but, I really didn't mean to.


It was like a thief in the night ... if it had been a real thief ... I would be dead ... because I never heard, saw it coming. Grief is making itself known ... today ... Tommy's birthday.


I really 'knew' when this day came ... I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't feel all the terrible pain ... I've accepted it all. I've been feeling so happy ... strange enough, I still ... feel so happy!


I can't change a thing ... so, why should I cry about it. It's life ... it's death ... there's not a ... damn ... thing I can do about it.


Oh my ... I even feel 'just a tad angry' ... can you hear it in my words. I didn't mean to be. I'm not mad at all.


Yes, I know ... I've been telling you it's all going to be alright ... 'now'. It really is ... but, it doesn't stop the pain. Not only that ... the pain can blindside one ... me. I didn't see it coming. I 'knew' I was more emotional than I've been this past week ... for some time. I know 'why' ... now.


It's so strange ... I knew Tommy's birthday would be soon ... somehow, without realizing it ... I skipped to Thanksgiving Day ... today. Where did Tommy's birthday go? How did I think I was going to get past that? Well, if I 'didn't know' ... that's how, I guess.


In my mind ... today was going to be Thanksgiving Day. Now, that I think about it ... when was I going to realize ... Tommy's birthday comes before Thanksgiving ... did I 'go crazy, and not know it'? You know ... 'am I right'? I'm okay ... just trying to be 'funny' again.


Hellfire! I cooked our Thanksgiving Day meal, yesterday. If you stop a minute ... it's so funny! I think it's so funny that I ... cry ... laughing.


Well, we've already 'celebrated Thanksgiving' ... damn! It's so funny ... that I cry ... laughing.

　

　

　
　

Someone's Ass Would Be In Serious Trouble ...

Someone's Ass Would Be In Serious Trouble ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ...  I believe in 'good' ... I believe everyone should treat animals, people in a loving, kind way.  If not ... I believe if there's no doubt someone mistreated either person, animal ... they should get to experience every bad thing they inflicted upon a living being ... not only that ... for as long as they inflicted it upon either.  That's my 'Gloria Opinion' ... you know my opinions ... they don't change unless ... I ... really see ... where I'm wrong.  They have been known to change ...



　


Do you think there's ... really a difference ... between 'dog people' ... and 'cat people'? Really ... do you?

　

Do you think 'cat people' aren't the most honest, nicest people in the world? Do you think you can't trust them because they 'are like cats', themselves? Does that mean cats are dishonest ... sneaky ... deceitful? Is that what people mean when they say they don't ... like cat people?

　

'Dog people' on the other hand ... when you say 'they are dog people' ... one automatically associates that with honesty, the best people, just 'all good'. Have you ever taken note of that?

　

We are 'dog people' ... we 'pure love' our dogs. They are our life ... our world. We are for-real the 'best people' ... very good people. I have to say I've thought about a lot of 'dog people' ... really, not all dog people are the best.


People who have lots of animals ... may have them for other reasons than ... love. Whatever ... they should care for them to the best of their ability; never abuse them. Yet ... it happens all the time.

　

Starve, beat ... neglect ... the list goes on. I can't bear to think about these people ... why? I would want to reverse the situation ... let that person 'feel' everything he inflicted upon a living being ... be it animal or ... human.

　

I don't apologize for feeling that way ... if you 'can dish it out ... you should be able to take it'. You should get to experience every thing you do to a living being ... be it good, or bad. In a perfect world ... all people, animals would know only love.

　

You say two wrongs ... don't make a right? This is strictly a 'Gloria Opinion' ... and I hold my ground on it. I think when it comes to people ... animals ... and there's no doubt of the cruelty one has inflicted on a living being ... they should get to see 'how it feels for as long as they did it to another living being'.


I won't argue about how I feel ... I'm not giving roses to someone who has been cruel to a person ... animal. Are you?


I think about these things as I hear about them ... see the ugly things people do. I guess it's a good thing ... I'm not the judge, jury, the one who metes out punishment. Someone's ass would be in serious trouble. That's right ...




Photo/story are both owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee