I've Been Here The Whole Time You Just Couldn't See Me ...

I've Been Here The Whole Time You Just Couldn't See Me ...

(Little Patches of Sunshine Became Stepping Stones ...) ... written by (photos), owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates


　

　

The fat, sad woman stood in line at the pharmacy waiting to be next ... she hated to be out in public. She'd become aware of how awful she looked. She had tried to look in her mirror ... she had to turn away ... nothing there was familiar to her. She didn't recognize the blob of human life standing before her. Besides ... the eyes staring back at her was too much to bear ... they reflected such pain she already knew, lived in.

　

The strange thing was ... she began to be drawn to her mirror where she could only bear to look for a couple of minutes. She began to realize she was looking at herself ... but, a self she couldn't bear to look at. Oh my God.

　

Time went by ... she had no way of knowing how long ... she'd quit living in real time, the real world ... she began to hear, see again. Sometimes she wished she could live real Life again. She had loved to live Life ... loved the sunshine ... laughter, happiness. When her son died ... she did too. It no longer mattered to live ... if she'd died she wouldn't have noticed it.

　

One part of her didn't give a damn ... yet one part of her that was hidden begged to be let out of the dark, fat prison she was trapped in. The more she saw herself in the mirror ... the more impossible she knew it would be for her to come back to the bright world she began to yearn for.

　

The sad, fat woman picked up her meds. The pharmacist explained to her what to expect when she took the medicine her doctor had just given her. The sad, fat woman looked into the pharmacist's eyes ... saw compassion. She wondered if the pharmacist could see the real person trapped in fat ... standing in front of her. Could she see the person hiding right in front of her? She guessed not ... she saw pity in the pharmacist's eyes.

　

The sad, fat woman stayed isolated for years. When her son died ... she went into darkness and forgot about the world around her ... forgot herself. Herself became lost in a big, fat body. She didn't notice. Black had become her color ... it was all she could see ... she lived in black ... darkness.

　

Tears, anguish, grief ... pain unlike any she'd ever known in her life. This was her life now but ... at times things from the real world around her would seep in. Little by little ... week by week ... months by months ... years by years ... she began to awaken.

　

Little patches of sunshine began to appear in her black world of darkness. A lover of sunshine, light ... the sad, fat woman took notice. In her mind, she ran to stand on the patches of sunshine until each faded out. She began to want more.

　

The patches of sunshine became stepping stones back to the real world ... the sad, fat woman ran from one patch of sunshine to the other. She embraced each one with her Heart happy to see at least a little bright light in her dark world.

　

The day came the sad, fat woman decided it was time to begin coping with the loss of her son ... to come back to Life there wasn't any way to not really feel the pain, grief she hid in darkness from. She would have to face her thoughts ... have to feel the horrible pain without any darkness to hide in. Time after time she ran back to the darkness ... it was all too much to bear. She had to face up to what she didn't want to accept ... her child was dead, he wasn't coming back ... no matter what.

　

The loss of her son was unlike anything she'd ever known. She had lost all her family one person after the other until ... her son died unexpectedly. This was the last brick holding up her foundation ... she crumbled in pieces to the ground. All she could remember was the last smile she'd been smiling when she picked up her phone thinking to speak to her son.

　

The last words she remember hearing was spoken by a strange voice saying, "Ma'am, I've got a man collapsed on the beach, he isn't breathing".

　

The man had picked up her son's cellphone where it had fallen when her son collapsed on the sand where he'd been running, playing with his little son ... where he had just made it in time to play with him at the beach.

　

Her son told her the evening before he was looking forward to getting to the beach for the first time to play with his 3 year old son. He made it just in time. He collapsed with blockages to his heart, no one knew he was sick ... died on the sand as the ocean waves and sea gulls sang a beautiful song welcoming him home to Heaven.

　

The sad, fat woman gave up many times all because of what she saw in her mirror. It would be impossible to come back from the big blob with the pain-strickened eyes looking back at her.

　

She tried to look better ... she just couldn't do it. It was like a true artist trying to paint a beautiful picture on a cheap canvas ... she gave up. She looked like a monster with make-up on. Swollen eyes, face ... all bloated by grief, tears ... fat. It was a losing battle. She looked like someone in a horror flick ... make-up enhancing all the ugliness she had become.

　

The day came when she became strong enough to stand in front of her mirror and really look at herself ... face what had happened to her physically. Her son had died ... and she was going to either cope with it or ... die. She began coping ... the pain became worse in the sunshine ... her tears glistened like diamonds in the sunshine. She hid her cries from her husband. Her Pups always knew ... they knew everything.

　

A story can be written in words ... it can be written in long or short stories ... Life takes so much longer in time when actually living it. Life hurts more than words can describe when you are the one feeling the pain.

　

A story can't in any way tell every minute, hour, day you've lived in the pure agony of grief, pain. It has to be told in paragraphs, sentences hinting at such when you wish you could describe it so well one could actually feel as they read. There's no way such pure, pure pain can be told ... to know is to feel it.

　

The sad, fat woman began to meet different people who hadn't seen her in years ... or when they did see her they either didn't recognize her or they would avoid her. Who would want to be seen talking to a horrible blob of life with a swollen face, eyes? My God, what happened to her?

　

No one ever took the time to stop to ask ... 'what happened to change you so much?' No one bother to speak ... no one wanted to speak to someone who had changed so much ... if they even recognized her. Not many people knew she had a son ... nor that he had died. She didn't tell them ... she was a private person. She didn't need anyone's pity, sympathy.

　

When someone did speak, wondered why they hadn't seen her ... the fat, sad woman would look at them thinking ... "I have been here all the time and you didn't see me" ... she was hidden by bloat, fat ... not caring, pure grief and pain.

　

The real her was hidden under layers of grief, pain, bloat, fat ... no one could see the person she'd always been. When she looked at other pretty women dressed in their nice clothes, heels ... make-up, pretty hair ... the fat, sad woman began to ache inside to be like that again ... that was really her. She knew it impossible ... she couldn't ever look like that again.

　

One night she laid in her bed thinking, panicking. She spoke to her husband, told him that she couldn't bear to live like this any longer. The fat scared her ... she had turned on her side and thought about how the weight felt ... she began to feel suffocated, couldn't breathe. The thought came to her that she was going to have to get out of her fat body or ... she was going to die. One way or the other ... she wasn't going to grow older this big. She just could NOT do it. She'd rather die first.

　

This was in year 2016 ... she began to walk faithfully. It didn't take long to feel better inside but, oh my ... she had such a long ... impossible ... way to go. The weight caused health problems ... made her life awful. She decided to have weight-loss surgery.

　

She had been researching it online ... joining groups learning about the different types of weight-loss surgeries one could have. When she felt ready she went to a doctor ... and that began a whole new journey in her life. She had weight-loss surgery April 16, 2016 ... the sleeve in her opinion was the safest by far though one could still have complications. She did well. In fact, her husband was in the same hospital very ill ... when her scheduled surgery came. She had it ... went straight to him as soon as possible. He came home, she cared for him never looking back. Never hurting.

　

She walked and began losing the weight ... until she reached a time she didn't lose. She had stopped walking because of the cold, danger of walking where she lived. She began to gain weight panicking her ... you can't just have the surgery and not do your part ... she gained 10 lbs. Gaining 10 lbs was like the end of the world.

　

That was when she knew she had to have help. She went to her doctor, talked to him telling him what was happening. He listened to her, did tests ... when he felt it safe he gave her medicine to help her. She began losing her weight again ... she stopped eating extra foods she didn't need.

　

She lost from 238 lbs. 169 lbs. That was the last time she looked at the scale. She found she could keep losing weight if she didn't look at the scale ... she felt the scale jinxed her. She went down to a size 12 ... her goal being size 8-10. To this day she doesn't know her weight in numbers but, will wait to know in March 2019.

　

She began getting all kinds of attention ... some good and some sad. People who liked her to begin with ... were so happy to see her. Why, where have you been? they would ask. She would just say she was there the whole time they didn't see her. No one ever paid attention when she would say that.

　

People told her how nice she looked ... how she was beautiful, looking young for her age ... you know all the things people say. It was like when you are little ... you got hurt and someone would kiss your boo-boo. It made everything alright again. She was so happy to hear their words, it meant she was back to ME again. She wanted that with her Heart.

　

Sadly ... she began to notice people she really liked always ... women ... began to avoid looking at her ... their body language reflecting they didn't want to speak to her when their husbands, boyfriends were with them. It hurt her deeply because everyone knew how she loved the ground her own husband walked on ... she wasn't looking for a boyfriend, or a man. She respected those women and wouldn't go near them ... she didn't want to cause them unneccesary pain. She cared.

　

She understood though ... she understood because at her heaviest ... she'd experienced such. It DOES hurt a woman when she isn't looking her best ... sees you come along and have lost all the weight, look nice ... and her husband, boyfriend sees ... and he says, "you need to lose weight, look at her!"

　

She didn't know if she should gain all the weight back to be accepted by women ... or just be nice, kind like always and hope they could say something making it possible to let them know, "hey, I'm not a threat to you". She knew how it hurt when being overweight ... everyone else looking very nice in their clothes ... and having to wear fat clothes, never quite dressing good because everyone knew they were your fat clothes. The years of grief kept her from feeling that pain ... she'd lost something more precious than weight ... her child.

　

Today ... January 14, 2019 ... the sad, fat woman is no more. I found when I looked at photos of her I could only feel deep compassion for her. I could see in her photos her eyes were blinded by grief, pain ... she couldn't see beyond that. She just existed ... her body changing without her being aware of it. Until ... the day came she became like Humpty-Dumpty ... she began picking her pieces up ... putting them back together again.

　

Today ... I notice the sad, fat woman is gone but ... I notice when she goes out in public she is noticed by everyone. It overwhelms her when she should be so proud. Some people have stopped talking to her ... in fact, it's like they don't know what to say and don't say anything. I notice pain in her eyes again ... a different pain ... feelings are hurt. She wonders why so and so doesn't speak now ... they always did when she was big, fat. Why?

　

I notice when the sad, fat woman who has become small ... is a lot of the time the smallest person around. She looks around and discovers ... everyone has become overweight. She is amazed ... now, she has lost her weight ... it is a dream come true ... an impossible dream she worked hard at making happen. Now ... she is the one not fitting in with everyone ... she lost the weight ... they gained it. Not only that ... she sees they dress in clothes to be comfortable ... now, she dresses up in clothes that's been hanging in her clothes for years, buying a piece here and there. She hasn't had the money to go shopping for clothes like women do when they lose all their weight. So, she does next best ... a piece here and there to go with other articles of clothing to 'dress it up'.

　

By now ... you recognize the woman as ME. I was the one there and no one could see ME. I was the one hidden beneath the layers of fat, gloat, pain and grief. No one could find ME. I couldn't find ME. I thank God now ... I have found ME and others who knew me before ... recognize ME now. In my Heart I am grateful, thankful to have lost my weight ... I knew it impossible to do ... I knew it impossible to ever have photos of me to look like ME again. The impossible came true and I'm ... pure amazed. I put them on my Facebook all the time reflecting my happiness at discovering ME again. I know people get tired of it ... but, they can go back to their Facebooks if they want. My Facebook reflects the ... real ME.

　

Another thing ... I love to dress in my own style like 'before' ... and that's just ME. I'm not a threat to anyone even if I didn't have my precious husband. Why? Because I have deep respect, caring for everyone, everything. I didn't travel the many, many roads in my life for nothing ... I learned how pain felt ... and I would never intentionally hurt others with my actions.

　

I believe in relationships, marriages, families ... they are priority in life. I have no respect for others who step on such lightly for their own pleasures, desires ... go off leaving other people's lives in shambles, destroyed for a few moments of satisfying themselves, getting what they want.

　

I believe in respect, love, caring ... and going your own way if you can't do that. Don't hurt others ... if you can't help don't hurt. I am very realistic ... I know Life has all kinds of tricks up its sleeve ... I know we all have to still try to be good as possible, not give up no matter what Life's twists, turns bring us. We just can't give up no matter what ... the world would go straight on to Hell if we did.

　

These are my thoughts this morning ... and to the ones who ask me 'where have I been?' I've been here all along ... you just didn't see ME. Now ... you can recognize ME ... I can now recognize my self. I feel so happy seeing such a familiar person again ... I know HER! :) :) :)

　

No one can understand if they haven't experienced at least some of what I write about. That's understandable. I'm still going to write about it ... I write about real Life as I experience, see it ... I don't sugar-coat my words.


Note by Author:     Little patches of sunshine became my stepping stones back to Life ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Our World Has Become A Scary Place ...

Artwork by and owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

I have to say when I watch the News lately ... it distresses me so much.
Our country, people have changed so much ... and not for the better.


What a scary world we live in when families, friends turn against each other ... to the point of killing another for not believing in what the other believes in.


Yes, I know up to a point it's always been like this ... today ... it's gone even farther.
If one doesn't admit that division, racism, ugliness has raised its ugly head now ... affecting everyone in mean ways (people you wouldn't expect) ... one's head is buried in the sand.


Here ... life has changed so much that every day, night ... bodies are found that have been shot, dismembered. No one ever heard of such only rarely before ... the population esculated here.


With such a high population ... the wolves have followed waiting for someone 'in the herd' to be off-guard ... they strike.


I distinctly remember when Skip and I traveled to the west coast every week ... the things happening here ... always happened there. I remember when we said 'one day it will reach the east coast' ... sure enough 'one day' came.


No one can mention these things like they are new ... they've become 'every day things'. I don't remember a night without murder, murders.


The dark is a dangerous place ... the most dangerous are the human predators that lurk inside the darkness. They wait until they think no one can see ... strike.


When one goes out to do daily activities, come home ... get groceries, shop, go out to eat and enjoy a meal ... get distracted by holidays ... happy or unhappy events ... one needs to be aware of their surroundings at all times ... whether one likes it or not ... or chance becoming a victim.


You don't have to do anything at all for someone to shoot you dead. Just existing makes us a target ... just moving, being in a space someone else claims makes one a target. Your looks might offend another ... your words offend someone ... even never knowing you've done that.


The people here in our area ... their area too ... all have different beliefs, ideas, cultures.
Instead of killing another because they are different ... why not embrace their difference and learn new things? That's the spice of Life ... we take the good things from the other ... mixing them with our good things.


Wow ... wonderful, exciting things can happen making everyone's lives much nicer, fun ... happier that we learned new things that make a positive difference ... things we can actually apply to our daily life to make it nicer.


Sadly ... there are many people who only like negative .... ugly things in life. I grew up in such ... every morning began with pure hell-raising ... screaming, loud voices, crying, fighting ... cussing.

When the storm cleared ... everyone was okay. No one ever noticed that one little girl wasn't ever okay.


Growing up ... in my home it's quiet. Yes, I do 'raise hell' once in a while ... it's in me, I grew up that way ... we all do when something isn't right. I can 'raise hell with the best' but ... I don't enjoy it.


I love peace, quiet, calm the best. That's what we prefer in our lives.


Silly me ... I wish all good in Life. I'm so silly because I love happiness for everyone. I can hear someone say, "let's be realistic". Sadly ... I am realistic ... I know in our world there won't ever be peace. All we can do as individuals is to each make life around us peaceful as possible, love and care.


We can't save the world like I once thought I could.


Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates. Photo owned by me. What I wrote is strictly my opinion ... Another Gloria Opinion Imperfect Creations by Gloria #peace #hell-raising #spice of life

My World ... Skip and our Pups3

Sharing Some Of My Happy Colors of 2018 ... My Artwork

Photo of Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... Taken 2018
Photos below are owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates, Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

This is what I do on rainy, gloomy days ... I look for happy colors to cheer me up.  I am a sunshine girl and just a little sunshine goes a long way.  Happy day everyone. I hope my colors made you feel better if you are also, having a gloomy, rainy day ... or just feel sad.

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... These happy colors are owned by me.  2018

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... Photo taken 2018

 

Daisy ... I Miss You, Mom

 

Photo of daisy I took a couple years ago ... 2016

 

 

 

When I began my weight journey I walked every day.  I would take photos of what I saw ... didn't matter what.  I took photos of trash people would throw out, interesting weeds, plants, pinecones, trees and tree bark, rocks, pavement ... whatever ... I took photos if they looked interesting.

 

I love wild flowers and my favorite is seeing daisies ... white daisies, yellow daisies.  This photo is the type daisy that has always reminded me of my mother ... Daisy Earlene Strother.

 

She died September 09, 2001.  We picked her ashes up on September 11, 2001 while the terrorist attacks were happening in New York ... Twin Towers. 

 

What an awful, traumatic day that way.  I was in shock, grieving for my mother and for what was happening in New York to penetrate that grief ... you know it was bad.  I was standing in the living room waiting to leave ... I was staring at the tv not really seeing, listening.

 

The journalist's voice was very excited ... and they kept switching to the plane hitting the twin tower.  It finally got through to me something bad was happening ... people were dying.

 

I miss my mother very much.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about her.  I was looking at some photos on my computer, came across this photo.  Instantly I began smiling ... I took this photo because it reminded me of her ... Daisy.

 

I miss you, Mom.

 

 

We All Need New Places To Begin All ... Over Again

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!!!

BEFORE PHOTO ...  Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... the years after my son died I didn't recognize this face in the mirror ... I didn't know this woman who had such deep pain in her eyes.  This woman just existed ... she was a mess ... and I know she didn't realize it at the time.  Grief is an awful, awful thing to go through ... it's been 8 years now and I am alright now.

AFTER PHOTO:  Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 2018

AFTER PHOTO:  Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 2018

AFTER PHOTO:  Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... November 2018

AFTER PHOTO:  Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... September 2018

We All Need New Places To Begin All ... Over Again


January 01, 2019 ... Tuesday
Story/Photos written, owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates


I don't know if you are like me ... I am glad to see the year 2018 end.  Today begins a whole, fresh new year ... we don't look back at what we left behind.

I say that like magically the new year 2019 truly begins life all ... over again.  In our minds, it does.  We all need new places to begin all over again ... something we can measure with. 

I don't even want to look back at the past year.  I don't look at several people the same anymore ... that's really, really sad.  I began to see, hear true colors, lies from all of them.  I knew it was there but, when you are supposed to be very good friends there shouldn't be deceit, dishonesty, lies.  The truth is the truth.

I have entered 2019 so far without revealing to one that I know how deceitful, dishonest they are.  I'll save that until the right time when I can say it kindly, gently.  The last time I spoke frankly ... I was told I was rude, harsh.  When someone accuses me of something I instantly take a close look at myself.  Do you know what?  That person was right.

I was rude, harsh and should have been gentler in choice of words (no ugly words were used ... I spoke straight to the point). There are ways to say what hurts one without being so blunt.  I was too blunt.  I should have rephrased all in softer words to the person I said them to.  It's true, I should have.  I apologized for the way I spoke my words.  I am truly, sincerely sorry ... I spoke so bluntly. 

I have to say this in all honesty ... to this day there hasn't been an apology back for what was done to Skip and I.  No mention of 'what' that caused such deep pain.  My words ... my pain reflected, influenced my blunt words.  Their actions hurt not just me.  We never asked for any of it.  None of it matters now ... it's all left in 2018.

I closed the door on that permanently ... because when others don't own what they did ... speak up, apologize as I did ... I don't want them in my life.  I won't have them in my life.  Lies to me ... turn me completely against someone instantly ... there's no ifs, ands.  I don't play games with people's emotions and I sure don't let anyone get by ... playing on mine ... especially when trying to deceive me.

This is something the last chapter has been written for ... the end of that story.  The End.  That's left in the year ... 2018.  No more.

There are a few more chapters that will be the last chapters written in my life ... and I look forward to writing The End on them.

What better than beginning all over again ... a new year.  Now, I can look back to where I began easily ... measure throughout the year how far I've come.  You can too.  We have to, need to make progress in our lives and not live in the past.  That's the worse place to live.  Look back if you must ... but, keep those feet moving forward.

This is my way of thinking.  I don't know about you ... but I think you will agree with some of what I've written.  If not ... that's good, also.  We all don't think alike.

I hope to write each day of the new year.  I haven't written a lot in the past two years.  My, my ... so much has happened in our lives and we were so busy living real life ... real life that I write about.

I can say I entered the New Year 2019 having lost most all the weight I gained since losing my son in 2010.  I don't look the same anymore ... I look like I did years ago before.  Of course, I'm a little older ... that's Life.

I can smile at myself looking in the mirror now because ... 'there's ME' reflecting back out at me.  I'm so thankful, glad I recognize myself again.  No one would believe the gratitude I have in my Heart to have lost all that weight.  It's humbling.  It could as well ... not happened.  Anyone can tell you that losing weight is one of the hardest things to accomplish.

I sincerely wish all my Readers and Followers, Social Media Friends the most wonderful Year 2019.  We made it ... we made it into the New Year!


Author's Note:

I'm so thankful to enter the year 2019 with most all the weight gone I needed to lose.  I can focus on other important things without that keeping me in mental turmoil. 

Weight gain in my Life is one of the most awful things I dealt with when my son died. When I looked in the mirror at myself ... that wasn't me.  I couldn't draw any comfort from the woman who stared back at me.

I will write later about experiences I've had since losing weight.  Anyone who has done the same will identify with me ... because I know they've experienced such.

Some people don't acknowledge me now ... they liked a heavy-set Gloria I had become ... before that they acted the same way when I was small ... as they do now.  I'm sure not anyone for another female to be jealous of at all.  I'm just grateful to see, recognize Me again.  Hello Me, welcome back!!! I know you! :) <3

I Can Only Love From A Distance

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... December 2018

I Can Only Love From A Distance by Gloria Faye Brown Bates




The story this morning is about a family member I really wanted to be close to.  Really loved, really just wanted to be family and knew it would be so.  Just because it is supposed to be ... should be ... doesn't make it so.




When people come together each with a different agenda ... you know it isn't going to work.  If people could learn to be honest, upfront ... well they can be honest but, not look like they are. You are right ... how many people come into a relationship putting themselves out there for the other to really see?  No one.




Even I don't do that, I'm cautious with people and watch, study, listen... sense.  There are things I watch for ... words I use to 'see the colors' of the other person. I'm no one special but ... there's the BUT ... I am somebody to myself and I like me.  I do that to nip things in the bud as my Grandma Alma used to say ... to stop wasting time ... your time, my time is valuable. So is my ... Heart.




There's no getting around we are all a product of our childhood (I know I am) ... we were shaped, reshaped many times by all in our life. As we grew up ... we formed opinions, ideas, beliefs.  Some people say they don't understand where someone is coming from.  No, how could they?  They lived a completely different childhood. 




Even two children in the same household won't remember things the same way.  One can be damaged ... the other well-rounded.

Gloria Faye Brown ... 3 years old

One child is treated differently than the other. One child gets into trouble more than the other.  I'll tell you something about that ... I would lie to keep another child from being in trouble, getting a spanking.  I would attract attention to protect another child ... I got a lot of spankings, slaps, cussing out ... protecting because I loved. 




I don't think adults see that far when they scold children. They do it never knowing that child was innocent.  When the child grows up they say, "you were the meanest child when little".  They never knew their favorite children were the culprits. Why tell them?




Today as an adult I see, know I am careful with people in general, especially any family.  I'm cautious because like a road I know all the pot holes ahead.  I'm careful with the several people I allow to touch my Heart ... I don't spend time with them ... I don't talk all the time to them, I don't over-do anything with them. 




Why?  Because ... that's the quickest way to lose someone you love in my family ... to make an enemy.  The quickest way to lose someone you invested your very Heart in ... because you really cared, loved.  Because they mean more than they can ever know, or imagine.




I have several family members I truly love dearly ... they aren't the family I grew up with as a child.  Sadly they all have died, some in awful ways. Died younger than they should have.  The family members I love today ... always reach out, touch my Heart time to time.  They respect me, my privacy ... seem to understand I am different.  I see that some of them are different like me ... they have grown up experiencing ... family, our family ... like me.




We all respect, care. No one has to be dishonest trying to get something from the other.  We are all givers ... and would give our last penny, shirt off our backs.  They all have beautiful families and they take care of them.  I didn't grow up like that ... I watched other kids who had parents to protect them ... when I needed someone to keep me safe ... no one was there.




I couldn't call out to anyone to make so and so leave me alone. Make so and so not do this or that to me.  I grew up afraid of men's hands.  Oh no ... that fear didn't last any longer than when I got old enough to defend myself.  I could be a hellcat as a young person ... and I had a chip on my shoulder. I was quiet, very quiet and would hold my ground quietly.  I held it too when challenged.

Gloria Faye Brown as a young woman ...

Still ... things happen to a young girl, woman.  This is as they grow older, learn they can't fight the whole world ... they can't save the world at all.  Like many before me ... I really thought I could.  I felt I was so strong I could.  Things happened through time to shape, reshape my thoughts, feelings.  We never stay the same ... we are always changing thoughts, beliefs ... yet we ... stay the same.




I just hurt someone special in my Heart. I closed a permanent door between us, threw away the key.  That person who is so much like me ... did the same on the other side of the door.  It has to be ... The End of that chapter.  There's no more story to write there ... the good thing is both of us will go on with Life, do good.  I know they will ... smart, intelligent like their father.  Sharp enough to go on to be a lawyer, whatever else they are desiring to be.




I used words, exact words to be clear probably too clear to express what I felt ... a lot of pain from the past influenced my choice of words.  I came off as harsh, rude ... no matter that I thought I did it in the kindest way possible.  Looking back at the words ... I guess they were harsh, rude to others.  To me, they seemed direct to the point ... too much so ... I could see why, where they would hurt deeply.




Seldom do I unleash my feelings like that.  It really takes a lot of pain to push me.  Am I sorry?  I apologized that I hurt and came off as harsh, rude.  I can see what they meant. The door is, will remain closed in this lifetime ... we instinctively know it has to be.  Sometimes in Life ... it has to be that way even if you can't put your finger on exactly why.




I know in my Life after staying in pure grief for many years with all the illnesses Skip Bates and I have suffered, still go through medical stuff from them ... and the 'bad' things that have happened ... all the deaths ... I mean all the deaths of loved ones on both sides of my family of everyone I loved with my Heart have taken their toll on me.




So many things I can't remember offhand have happened ... normal people in their lives only experience just a few things ... I haven't been normal at all.  That's why I know how so much feels in Life ... firsthand. I can't afford with my Heart to get close to anyone else ... I don't know if I could survive a lot more pain.




I've spent so many years in darkness when I had cancer battling to live ... years in darkness battling grief for the loss of my son to live, come back.  The death of my son ... has affected me so much ... it's the worse pain I've ever felt in my entire life.




It's been 8 years and I'm back ... feet planted firmly on the ground I stand on.  I'm going to hold my ground and as Life brings it on ... I'm going to feel it even if it hurts.  What in the world will I do ... if Life brings me wonderful things and there's no pain involved?  I'm not used to such. Wow, it felt good just to imagine it!  I think I'll keep that in my mind.




I began writing about family and such ... I didn't stray off subject too much.  I will reveal what I have learned about myself through time ... no matter what I do, try ... it always come back to this ... I have to love from a distance for it to last a lifetime when it comes to family.  I love just as deeply ... and I treasure the few family members who have found a place in my Heart. I'm glad they understand how I am.

 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2013

Note by this author:

Real life ... my life is like this.  I roll with the twists, turns Life sends me.  Gracious, I wish for wonderful, good things to happen so, I can just see how it feels to be to enjoy such.  I do get a taste of it time to time ... only briefly enough to know I want it so much.  I'm looking forward to our New Year 2019 ... today is New Year's Eve.




I wish for everyone a wonderful year ahead.  I wish for the family member I hurt deeply with words ... the most successful, wonderful life full of dreams, wishes come true.  I really am sorry I let my pain influence my words that hurt deeply.  The door I closed has to be ... we are too much alike.  I will love you at a distance.




Story/Photos owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.

Aliens ... to Death & Cajun Music

Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... 2018

As I write ... I think.  Words flow, so do my thoughts.  Even I never know what, where I'll write, my thoughts will go.  I entertain myself while I write.  Skip always comments to me:  'you can entertain yourself!' when he sees me really into a story.  :)

Explosion in NYC lit sky blue. I think I would have been afraid in NYC ... I wonder how long it took to calm people down afterward seeing the lights.  I know it had to be scary.




The past several years have been a time of 'first times' for so many things in our world.  Have you stopped, thought about how many actual deaths there have been from natural disasters?  I was ... I gave up ...lost count. 




In my life I've never known such. I do know I believe in ... 'anything can happen in our today's time ... anything'.  Dont' think it can't ... Life has a way of tossing twists, turns ... I've had to twist, turn on Life's many roads ... I do know firsthand in my life.




I know that we all have instant access to what's happening all over in our world now ... so, we have a better idea of what's going on.  Years ago ... such things took their time reaching a point to travel as newsworthy. So then ... we weren't aware like today what is going on.




You can tell me you are right with the Lord and to trust in him ... I understand that, and I do.  But ... BUT ... I'm still saying this big, old world has become a scary place ... today.  If anyone says differently ... you are probably living in a safe place for now, never knowing bad things DO really happen ... just not to you yet.




We all one day if we make it ... learn to never take things for granted.  We learn anything can, will happen.  We learn there really are many scary things in this world ... our immediate world. We also, learn to live with them ... try to be alert, protect ourselves.  You have to help God take care of you ... don't just deliberately walk in front of a car thinking you won't get hit.




I trust in God just as strongly as the next person with my Heart ... I also, know to help myself to be safe. No comments about God here ... I won't discuss religion nor politics ... and might would delete someone if they disrespected.  I'd expect you to do me like that if I came to your page and made comments I shouldn't.




I have my own beliefs as you do ... and like you ... I don't know whose beliefs are right.  Mine feel right ... yours feels right, too. Respect for others is key.  This one person has such respect for others ... I know people learn so many ways to reach what they struggle to understand, believe.  No one's life puts them through the very same battles as the other's. 




Sometimes people do think they can comment anything feeling they have the right to ... not if asked not to. And ... be careful when you do that ... and you don't know all the details to a story.




I promise you there's always more than reaches the eye. Also, there's the delete button.  I'm not arguing with anyone ... anywhere.  All going on in my life is more important than wasting time ... spinning wheels.  I don't enjoy it, I won't do it.  When younger I loved to debate ... no more.




When I make an observation ... that's all I'm doing. I'm not really wanting to discuss it.  I read all the time and I'm open-minded making my own decisions about believing, researching more to find my answers.  If someone comments ... do so with respect and positively.  I do that, I expect no less.




I don't push what I believe on anyone ... I do state mere observations ... and how I would feel. I can't say how you would, what you would think, so forth.  You have to write your own stories in Life ... I do.




Everyone who knows me for many years know when I begin writing ... I don't stay on one subject long ... somehow and even I am amazed ... I go on to completely different subjects that aren't related.  Don't you agree our thoughts are like that in our heads? Don't answer that ... :)




I began with last night's event in NYC ... and I can see I can keep on until I am somewhere else in my story.  My mind ... memories are triggered and my mind quickly goes to the one that stands out. I smile here ... this is as true a statement as I can make.




Like for instance, one night in California ... Skip Bates and I were driving along in the big tractor-trailer when we began to notice a light in the sky.  It was just like you see on tv ... it was truly scary, amazing.  Not only that ... another terrifying thing began to happen ... a car was chasing another car trying to crash it!




It also, was like on tv!  I felt such fear afraid somehow we'd be involved as close, violently the cars were doing.  Thankfully ... their world passed ours without incident.  They only left fear and questions behind in my mind.  No, we never heard what the light was ... nor what happened with the two cars.  It made quite an impression in my mind ... I feel slightly breathless thinking about it ... it was that scary.  I could tell you a lot of scary stories but, not now.




This was a memory triggered as I wrote.  Everyone who knows me also, knows I write long ... today many people want to read short articles.  Myself ... give me the long ones but, keep me interested.  Tell me something that happened, how you felt when witnessing it ... give me colors of your life.  I give you mine.




Talking about colors ... everyone knows I truly love colors of every kind except the sad, scary ones ... but, I'm old enough to know Life doesn't just serve out beautiful colors of the rainbow ... Life also, serves out the darkest, scariest colors of pure Hell.




I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas 2018.  I will say ours involved moving boxes for a Christmas tree ... and the need to have to move so the house can be sold ... and it's dead winter-time making things harder.  But ... we understand and don't hold bad feelings.  We all have to do what we need to do.




Not only that we got an unexpected surprise in our Life that truly began wonderful, happy ... and ended sadly.  I won't go into details ... I have written that chapter, closed the door on it. 




I would color Christmas 2018 ... black, gray ... sad.  Don't feel sorry for me ... at my age .... I just grew stronger and saw myself as a very young person.  Who knows ... maybe things happen in our lives to give us 'our payback' for things unremembered as a young person.  I've always heard Karma is a bitch ... yes, I said that ... and it's said just that way.  I believe in Karma.




Young people never know the grief, pain they reap upon another's life when they are only wanting immediate things to make ... them ... happy.  Sadly ... when people who were real, good people who would be loyal to them, always there ... are lost forever from their lives.  By the time they mature ... those people are long gone ... they only have a memory of 'I wish I had known all I know now' when I knew those people in my life 'back then'. We as older people understand this well.




Older people have a lot of regrets ... unless you were perfect.  I wasn't in any way perfect at all.  I'm one of the most imperfect human beings on this earth ... I think imperfect thoughts, do imperfect things ... I grew up in the real Hell ... so, it damaged me ... so, I'm imperfect.  The good thing here is ... I'm a GOOD imperfect human being. You wouldn't expect that to come from pure ... Hell.  I'm here to prove it.  :) I truly am a good person.




I will stop here ... I began with scary aliens and ended up with young people and maturity ... imperfect human being.  That's me ... that's my style of writing if anyone who has just begun reading me.  I don't apologize ... I can only be real. 




I know some people who have always cared about things in my Life, always there through the years ... all is fine now.  It took several days to push pain into the past where it belongs, will stay ... we are still in the process of packing things to be ready when the time come to move.  Where ... I can't tell you. I do have faith all will turn out good.




As for the pain ... it truly doesn't hurt now.  At first ... it crushed me until I had to lay down with it, sleep.  Like when Tommy died ... sometimes, things can be just a bit too much. I had to work on myself and now ... like when a mechanic repairs a car ... I'm alright, I'm ready to go.  I knew I would be alright ... as much as I've been through ... I sort of knew what to do.  :) <3




That sounded flip ... I promise you I wasn't ... it really wasn't easy to feel better. 




I am just not dwelling on it any longer. I do that when I've been deathly ill ... not dwell on it ... and keep trying to go forward even when my body doesn't move.  It's my fighting spirit.  All I need is some Cajun music ... if I died ... it would surely make me come alive, begin dancing.  :) I love Cajun music.  Oh my, did you see that coming?  I just changed subjects again!




Alien to ... Cajun music ... wow!  Even I don't know what I will write next like who knows will come out of a child's mouth.  I keep myself entertained.  :) <3




Back to the aliens ... the link is below to read what I found in case someone doesn't know what I was making reference to.  Happy day everyone.  I'm going to make mine a happy one, too.




I write on Facebook and share it here ... write here, share on my Facebook.  Facebook.com/grannygee




Here's link to see :
     




https://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Blue-Light-Sky-Explosion-Queens-503589291.html

The Six Words That Broke A Grandmother's Heart at Christmas

NOTE:  THIS IS A STORY I WROTE ... it seems so real a lot of people must have felt this story. Yes, it is similar to my Life ... but, it's just a story. <3 

This story came to mind this morning ... I wrote it ... I wouldn't want to be this grandmother I wrote about. I write about pain, grief ... this is just another one of my stories written about such.


Some people have the knack to be real grandmothers ... can be real grandmothers. Read this story of

a grandmother who wished ... to be with her Heart. 

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...

A short story written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ...

Story/Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

One day out of the blue a grandmother in name only went to her computer to sit down, write.  She loved to write as much as she liked to draw, paint, make jewelry.  When she wrote her words were happy colors to her as her paints were.

She went online and saw there was a message waiting for her.  She sat in awe ... it was from someone she hadn't seen since a little blonde, blue-eyed girl.  A little girl who could charm the birds out of a tree with her charismatic personality.  

The father of the little girl and the little girl's mother divorced.  They had a messy dispute over custody and the father gained custody, also.  In name only ... the mother discouraged her child to not visit.

The mother fought it tooth and nail.  She was a fierce, loving mother who loved her child.  That's why the grandmother loved her, knew she'd never worry about the child's welfare.  

Years went by, the grandmother's son died from heart failure.  He left a little boy, and the little girl behind.  

The mothers of the two children didn't want any of the father's family in their children's life.  The grandmother respected that ... she went on about living her life.  She was grandmother in name only.

Until ... for a short-lived time when the message appeared on the grandmother's computer.  It was her granddaughter! Oh my! she thought ... my granddaughter came looking for ... me!  She felt honored ... felt very happy.

She couldn't wait to tell her husband who had messaged her.  She ran to wake him up, told him.  He smiled.  He loved the little girl very much.  They had bonded when she was little.

The grandmother made plans with the granddaughter to meet ... to bring her other grandmother with her.  They would meet at a restaurant, spend time together.

They did just that.  It was a happy meeting.  There was only one little red flag to that point.  The grandmother ignored it ... this was her long-lost granddaughter who had just come of age ... chose to come look for her.  Her wish came true.  She'd see her child's daughter ... someone who carried her own blood in her body.  She was blood-related.

The grandmother had lost most all her family to the craziest things ... they all should have been here today.  Life is full of twists, turns ... strange, unexpected.  The grandmother should have known this special time in her life wasn't any exception.  She blinded herself knowing better.  Why that was her granddaughter!

They met and the grandmother carried a special bag to give to her granddaughter.  It was filled to the brim with all kinds of rings, bracelets, jewelry she had spent hours making with her hands.  She wanted her granddaughter to have something so special. 

The grandmother and her husband spent a happy time seeing the granddaughter and even her other grandmother.  They loved both of them.  They couldn't wait to see them again.

They met once more and the granddaughter brought her boyfriend, and grandmother that time.  

Some red flags popped up ... the grandmother ignored them.  One being she had respected the granddaughter's mother's wishes not to come into the granddaughter's life.  Why? she didn't know. It didn't matter, the grandmother respected, understood the granddaughter's mother had her reasons.

While in conversation the granddaughter made mention she hadn't told her mother she had gotten in touch with the grandmother.  The grandmother felt disbelief that meeting her granddaughter ... was a secret.

The other grandmother looked at her granddaughter (she was the mother of the granddaughter's mother) ... and made a comment about she hadn't told her mother.  The conversation went on to something else.

The grandmother sat there thinking that if she had known she wouldn't have met her granddaughter ... she loved, respected her mother.  She was old enough to know that when something is so special ... you never have secrets to ruin it.  It took something away ... the red flag loomed.

The granddaughter told the grandmother and her husband that they were coming to their house for Christmas. Oh. how she and her other grandmother insisted on this grandmother and her husband coming Christmas Day to their home.

The grandmother was hesitant ... she and her husband lived a very private, quiet life.  They never went to visit anyone rarely.  It was quite a decision to make ... to go to someone's home ... to share a holiday with.

They had spent Thanksgiving with people whom they were friends with, loved and cared about them. It wasn't easy to step out of the house to go to someone's home for a holiday ... but, the grandmother did.  No one knew what a big step that was.  Now ... her granddaughter and other grandmother were telling them they were going to spend Christmas Day with them.

So, the grandmother agreed.  They would go there for Christmas Day.  Christmas Day was just a week or so away.

The grandmother became very stressed during the time waiting.  She had made her life private and it was hard to step out of her comfort zone.  Years ago she had been a people-person ... now she only saw them when out and about.

Christmas Eve came ... no mention of what time to be there ... no exciting plans were made ... or we'll be happy to see you ... came.  Instead ... each time the grandmother went to her computer to check for a message ... it sat there cold, unblinking at her.  No happy message.

She felt herself get very ill ... a big knot formed in the pit of her stomach. She went to her husband and told him.  They didn't understand why no message to say time, or it had been cancelled or ... anything.

The next day ... Christmas Day ... the grandmother went to her computer fully expecting for sure ... her wonderful granddaughter would have sent a message during the night.

No message ... the knot in her stomach grew bigger.  She felt as if she was going to cry.  Why didn't her granddaughter or the other grandmother send a message?  Did she and her husband miss what time and such ... during the last time spent together?

Were they supposed to just drive there?  No, the grandmother and husband didn't just drive to anyone's home like that.  They didn't feel comfortable doing such a thing.  

Another red flag loomed with the ones already waving in the air like the flags at the beach ... wildly from the wind off the ocean. Something wasn't right ...

The grandmother felt embarrassed to message her granddaughter and the other grandmother.  If she didn't ... and they were supposed to be there ... they would have thought badly of them.

She messaged an hour before time for Christmas Dinner at noon.  The six words her granddaughter messaged back to her ... loomed up at her off the screen ... forever burned into her mind ... forever hurting her heart so much her hands flew up to her chest.

The other grandmother wrote that she'd been sick and this was a sad Christmas sort of ... and on and on about they hadn't done anything for Christmas, hadn't been thinking too straight and for us to have a Merry Christmas.

The grandmother sat stunned.  They had been the ones insisting they come to their home for Christmas ... even talking them into saying yes. No one had gotten in touch to say differently.

The grandmother's husband had baked banana-nut bread to carry, and several desserts.  She felt embarrassed to tell her husband that the granddaughter ... her granddaughter ... had done this.  She felt embarrassed that they had even told anyone her ... granddaughter ... wanted ... her to spend Christmas Day with her.

Then ... the pain set in ... her heart began to hurt ... tears flowed down her face. She sat quietly thinking ... why would they have done such a cruel thing?  What would make people do such?

She began making excuses in her mind for her precious granddaughter and why? she did such a thing to her.  Was it something her mother had said to her ... and she wanted to pay this grandmother back.  Was her mother who maybe said she wouldn't come to the other grandmother's home ... if this grandmother and her husband were there?

The grandmother sat ... another thought came into her mind.  She was studying each time they'd met, talked.  Several things stood out to her.  Her last pair of rose-colored glasses fell off her face.  She had to face this pain ... and she would ... could do it honestly.

She took a mental stance in her mind ... feet planted firmly on the floor.  She began to wonder about something she told her granddaughter the last time she saw her ... and that might be what made her granddaughter lose interest in her.

She told her granddaughter that she was herself ... no more, no less.  What she saw was her ... no pretense of having anything, no pretense of being ... somebody. She told her that the books she wrote didn't sell ... and she didn't have any money.  They lived on a limited income and had it financially hard.

This is the last time the grandmother saw her granddaughter ... the granddaughter who may have thought this grandmother was rich.  Understandable when being young.  Everyone wants somebody who has a lot of material wealth.  

The granddaughter whose mother may have discouraged the Christmas Day plans.  

The granddaughter who didn't respect her grandmother enough to send a message to say Christmas Day plans had been cancelled.

The granddaughter who sent her six little words the grandmother would carry to her grave ... because no words after them are needed.

The words were:  "I forgot all about Christmas today.

Author's Note:  

This little story could be true or not true.  Either way it's a sad story that came to my mind this morning. Suppose ... something like that happened to you?  To me?  How would we feel?

I know I would feel devastated ... knowing those 6 little words destroyed any hopes of knowing a grandchild any farther ... and each Christmas Day thereafter that grandmother will always remember her and her other grandmother ... the pain, grief they gave when they could have only told her the truth ... or if it were me ... I would have told the grandmother something that might have been a lie but, a good lie.  

Saying nothing speaks louder than words ... saying those words that granddaughter said to her grandmother ... said it all.  She ended any hopes of a relationship with the grandmother ... or being left anything from that grandmother at her death.

If I were that grandmother ... I would be 'grandmother-shy' ... no more grandchildren in her life.  If I were her ... I would never be a grandmother anymore.  I would focus only on the people who were, have been good to me in life ... if possible, leave all to them ... if I were her.

My life has taught me that labels on a box doesn't make a product good ... it's the quality of the product on the inside.  A pretty box with a name-brand label isn't always best.  

People are the same way with their labels of father, cousin, brother, grandma, granddaughter, aunt ... just because they are that ... doesn't mean anything when there isn't mutual love, respect, caring.  

Blood isn't everything it's cracked up to be ... just my Gloria Opinion.  

My blood-line holds everything ... treachery, plotting, revengeful, dishonest people on both sides of my family.  There are only a few I didn't see it in.  I know exactly what to look for ... if I were a bad person ... I would know how to be and ugly person.  

Thank God for the Heart I have.  I'm glad to be a good person ... one would doesn't hurt unless I'm pushed.  I can sleep at night knowing I didn't go out of my way to cause pain to anyone.  

Why in the world do I care?  Because I know pain only too well ... I know it intimately since being aware I was a little girl ... being aware of life.

Wow ... I keep thinking of the six little words that granddaughter told her grandmother after insisting on her coming for Christmas Day.  I keep thinking of the pain her grandmother felt ... all the happiness dashed out like a candle in the wind.  

I hope that grandmother is as strong as I am ... I'm like the big Redwood Tree ... I would still be standing ... the rain drops glistening on my limbs ... standing proud, strong.  That's how I would be.  

Redwood Trees stand forever ... unless looked at closely they would never see all the scars Life inflicts on them.

Gloria Faye Brown Bates

(As of 12-26-2018 I quit putting aka Granny Gee or aka GG on my stories.  I'm not a grandmother ... only one in name only ... to anyone else.  To me ... I am just ME).