Truthfully ... I Don't Want The Lights To Go Out In My World

                                                    Gloria Faye Brown Bates 2021

Each morning I am the first to get up. I get up immediately bringing the resting house back to life. I do it in a quiet way so, as not to wake Skip.

 I turn on the TV... the water fountain with lights ... fireplace ... the Christmas tree lights, the bottle of colored lights, the ... little birch tree, Tommy's plant with lights. I turn on the lights around my art table. I open the shades to let the early morning light in to mix with all creating a happy glow. Mind you, some of the lights are powered by batteries. Next, I turn on the coffeemaker. I have made the house wake back up, come alive before ... Skip gets up. I make myself a wonderful cup of coffee flavored just right for me ... cream, no sugar. Next ... I come to sit either at my art table or ... like this morning I chose my cozy spot on the love seat. I wait several minutes ... I hear little feet coming up the hall. It's our precious Camie, our 9 year old Catahoula Pup. She jumps up onto the ottoman ... she gets as close to me as possible, falls down tight to me, gets comfortable ... goes to sleep. I snuggle up to her letting her know how loved she is by my gentle touches pulling her just a little tighter to me. I send love through my hand as I pet her soft, silky fur. She nudges tighter. This Pup has fallen back to sleep. Truthfully ... I wish so much that the house was already woken up, back to life before I get up. I love to wake up and the house not be asleep ... I don't like a sleepy house at all. Isn't that strange? I don't like a dark house ... I have soft night lights throughout the house. I don't like a deathly quiet house ... I have the soft sound of a fan to lull me to sleep. Sometimes ... I will leave the TV on with the volume very low ... just enough to hear voices, life close by. I wish someone could turn the lights, TV on before I wake, have the coffeemaker on, make the house wake up before I do. I can remember having that at one time in my life ... when I lived at home with my mother. I never knew one day I would miss a house brought to life before I woke up each morning. Now, I know how much it meant to ME. Thank you, Mama. Now, it's my turn to be the light keeper of my life. This is why I stay up late each night ... I don't want the lights to go out in my world.

It Would Be Wise To Do Your Research Before ... Choosing A Medical Advantage Plan

Recently I signed Skip and I up for a medical advantage plan ... before ... doing my homework.

Needless to say, I canceled it yesterday, it won't take affect January 01, 2023. It seems people are leaving medical advantage plans for ... the same reasons they signed up for them. Some of the reasons are ... limited coverage and finding a doctor who accepts the plan where you live. Also, you could end up paying what you thought your plan pays. Then, this one would hurt people who travel ... it doesn't cover going out of network and you pay high fees to get medical treatment. Your deductibles, co-pays, etc. are higher than original Medicare. You could end up having to pay a lot of money out. Of course you need to research all of this for your own use as everyone's medical issues differ. So, when you read what I wrote know that I am not an expert on all of this ... however ... I am an 'expert' on my life, medical issues. If you have questions please don't ask me ... go online, call someone to answer your questions. I am writing why it's ... not good for us. At first learning about these plans it looks so good. Well ... I know it could be good for people who haven't been very sick, people who stay in one place ... and this is strictly my opinion ... if you use these plans you have to use them lightly. You don't have choice choosing a specialist ... your primary doctor decides all of that. I keep remembering as I write the things that doesn't work for us. After signing up for the plan I began having panicky feelings. That prompted me to delve into learning more. I could foresee problems down the road when one of us would become ill. I don't need any shocking surprises if Skip became sick ... I don't want Skip to be in for any unpleasant surprises. We both have had a lot of very serious medical issues through time. For all I have written I could keep listing why the plan wasn't good for us but, I won't go into detail. What is important is ... I researched, found out ... a medical advantage plan wouldn't be right for us. I am so thankful I asked questions ... this prevents upset later down the road. Just know this ... your medical advantage plan might work perfectly for you ... but ... not for me. No one has the same identical medical needs. My opinion again ... strictly my opinion whether I am right, wrong is ... if you don't have serious medical conditions, you won't be moving around ...this might be good for you. It's not good for me.

Note:  Shared from my writing site:  myLot.com. Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates. Skip in Hospital.

I Am Not Lonely Anymore

                                                    My Precious Husband, Skip 2022

Tonight I have been sitting here thinking. Usually all is quiet except for the TV in the background. Lately, all has changed ... changed in a good way.

I am hearing sounds I haven't been used to hearing in the past 3 years. In the past 3 years I have been so alone though Skip is here ... no one to talk to, share all going on in my life. 

Skip has been too sick to hold conversations excepting when I was doing things for him, I would ask him what I could do to make him more comfortable, or if he wanted something. He would answer me, fall asleep. 

Well, lately ... Skip has come alive! Lately the air has been filled with voices, laughter. It is amazing ... the voices, laughter belong to no other than ... us! Happy voices talking about a million things.

I find myself smiling brighter, feeling happier ... wow, one miracle after the other.   We have Life to look forward to ... more miracles to look forward to.

I'm not lonely anymore... my most favorite person in the world talks non-stop now. Wow, it's another miracle ... I am amazed. I have so, so much to be thankful, grateful for. I think I am ... the most grateful person in this world.

Note: Shared from my post on Facebook and my writing site, myLot.com.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates 

Today You Would Have Been 53 Years Old, Son

Son, you would have been 53 years old today. Amazing to think it was 53 years ago I had a little baby.

I have been remembering you on my Facebook,  Twitter,and MyLot.com where I am writing again.

I think of you everyday, Tommy. Each year I write, put lots of photos of you on my social media in remembrance of you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Son. Your Ole Mom loves you. You would be Ole Son now 🙂🙃🙂❤❤

Releasing The Pain ... Remembering My Son

My Son, Tommy Mitchell Sidden ... 11-20-1969  ❤  05-29-2010 ... My Angel in Heaven

My son ... Tommy ... how could I ever forget such a beautiful,  precious soul? I am glad you were in my life. You were my son, I was proud to call you ... my Son.

I see you sometimes for a brief moment in other young men your age ... I stop in my tracks to 'see you' as long as possible ... pretend for seconds that's you moving, walking, smiling, talking. 

Then, I face reality again that you are gone no matter how many times I wish you back to life.

I smile with such sadness ... I have always heard everything is possible ... I think to myself ... no, not everything. 

Like the beautiful song says ... I hope you are dancing in the sky ... I hope you are ....... singing? ...... in the angels choir ... Tommy, do you remember trying to convince Skip and I that you could sing? That you were going to go on American Idol?

Son, do you remember how we all would laugh, I would gently tell you ... "Son, you have so many talents but ... you really can't carry a tune. You can't sing, Tommy!" 

I still hope you are singing in the angels choir ... you would make them love you with that bright smile, laughter in your eyes ... they'd let you sing your Heart out just to get to watch your eyes twinkle with joy.

On November 20, 1969 you were born at 11:28 am. You weighed 8 lbs. 4 1/2 oz. ... you were 21" long. You had a head full of strawberry blonde hair ... you were beautiful. You were perfect. 

Note: Sharing from myLot, my writing site ... and my Facebook ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates 

I miss you so much that I close my eyes tightly, let myself feel the pain of you being gone for ... only a moment. I can't afford to feel such pain longer than a moment ... just like I couldn't walk into the ocean, let the waves sweep me out to sea ... I have so much to do here before my time to go. I have Skip Bates  Skip and Camie to take care of.

I am remembering you, precious Son ... Tommy M Sidden  ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Love Your 'Ole' Mom ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

Once again through writing I have released such pain, grief so, I can go on living. That's pain, grief I'm not big enough to hold inside. It is more than I. GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES

Remembering Tommy

 

Photo of my son, Tommy Mitchell Sidden holding his little son ...................

I am remembering my son, my only child, Tommy M Sidden . Tomorrow is his birthday.

As I remember him I will place his photos on my Facebook. 

Don't feel sad for me ... don't think I feel sad for myself. You all who know me know I am not like that. I am remembering the most special part of me that is gone forever.

If I cry silent tears it's okay ... tears flow from very real feelings. I dearly loved my son. We were close. I just miss him very much ... I mean I really just miss him.

It seems like yesterday I just saw him ... I can still hear his voice in my mind ... his happy, funny laugh. He spoke softly with such a pleasant voice.  When he laughed one laughed with him ... his eyes, face were like sunshine warming one's Heart.

He loved to pull pranks on his 'Ole Mom' ... sometimes we would begin laughing at something the other said ... then look at each other and begin laughing harder ... sometimes laughing over the silliest things.

My son ... I truly was proud of him. I knew one day I would get to tease him about being an 'Ole Son' ... that day didn't come ... it would be now I could tease him.

I see how much other women love theirs sons ... I loved mine the same. Sons love to pick on their mothers ... Tommy did me.

I could keep writing on and on about my son. I will stop now because I know where the pain is hidden inside myself ... I know how to not open the door to it. I feel the little warning signs to go easy ... there's no reason to go there.

Lately I have felt emotional with all the special things happening with Skip ... and knowing I had a beautiful child once too ... tomorrow is his birthday ... November 20th. 

Don't mind me, I am just remembering thinking how thankful I am to have known my precious son ... I am thankful to have Skip, Camie, and all of you who have cared about me, us. I am most grateful for even the tiniest of things. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ 

I am fortunate. I think I may cry just a little, not much ... but not where Skip can see me. My tears are filled with love for what I've lost ... for what I have. It's normal to feel this way sometimes... especially at holidays ... birthdays of our loved ones who are forever gone. 

So, if you feel sad know I care because we walk the same road. I am here if you ever need to reach out for a moment.

Miracles Are Happening ... I Am Witnessing Them

Today ... another miracle ... I took Skip to Holly Springs, NC for his eyes. The doctor couldn't believe how well his eyes are getting ... and will continue to do so. 

He has his driving vision back. She said she was impressed because she hadn't expected such improvement. 

This past week has been one miracle after the other and many more to come. 

No one could be more grateful, thankful than ... ME! Oh my ... the past years Skip has been so sick ... I have worked, pushed so hard, cared for Skip Bates trying to make him come back to being himself ... he has been at the point of giving up thinking this is his last Christmas... to the point I got him a beautiful Christmas tree with beautiful lights like he wished for because he didn't think he'd be here much longer. 

I am in awe ... so would the people who 'counted Skip out of this game called Life. 

People changed toward Skip to the point of not hearing him anymore, not paying attention to him ... I watched this all along ... they just saw an older, very sick man who wasn't important anymore. 

They thought when he didn't talk a lot he was senile, pitiful. What they didn't realize was Skip has been so close to death sick for so long ... what they didn't realize was how bright his mind, intelligence still was ... he could still see, hear ... when the cataracts were blinding him ... Skip could still sense how people changed toward him.

I watched for the past 3 years how people surprised me by 'not seeing Skip anymore ... they would say hurtful things in front of him thinking he didn't hear nor understand anymore. People I thought always loved Skip ... 

I know exactly ... how it affected Skip ... how it affected his mental health ... his 'friends' no longer saw a strong, robust person anymore, they didn't have time for him anymore. If they saw him they talked at him ... they didn't talk ... to him.

What they didn't see ... was that Skip's smiling, sweet wife observed it all as her Heart hurt for him. When they were alone how he would voice his hurt. She would smile sweetly all the while pretending she didn't hear them.

Think of a person putting on a costume or a uniform ... disguising themselves... people treat them like what they ... appear ... to be ... never seeing the real person beneath.

When people grow older, most are still themselves even when their bodies betray them ... disguise the real person beneath 'one of the costumes of Life'. 

The 'costume' that disguised Skip was of a decrepit, senile, pitiful ... old crippled body/shell of a man.

It disguised the real person so much people counted Skip down and out ... of this game of Life. I always say this ... a person isn't always 'down and out ... until they breathe that last breath.

What is ironic here is ... during Skip's weakest time of life is ... quite a few of his 'friends' ... would call Skip, talk to him ... they would say things to Skip such as now ... his wife would put him in a nursing home ... such things to upset, hurt him. 

What is ironic is ... you won't believe it and if I didn't know what I know ... I wouldn't believe it. This what is ironic ... I have watched each one of those 'friends' ... die.  They died, no one was around ... and I wonder who cared?

I wonder when they told Skip the things they did if ... they were voicing their own insecurities ... their own fears not realizing the effect it had on Skip? I would tell Skip that was why ... they would say the things they did. They didn't know any better than to say what they did because that's all they knew to say.

Instead of thinking ugly about each one of them ... I began to think ... why? they would say things like that to Skip knowing for a fact Skip had a faithful, good, loyal wife. 

They may have thought I would want to be free to run around on Skip ... they were that type of men ... they were alone without a special person in their life ... and the females they ever had weren't the loyal type.

Skip would smile, listen to them ... what his 'friends' didn't realize ... is not only does Skip have a wife, Best Sincere Friend ... Skip has a warrior, real-life guardian angel. A wife who will, has fought Hell for him ... who loves the ground he walks on ... who has never ... counted him down and out of the game called Life.

Not only that ... after having the husband I have had ... I wouldn't want to be with another man ... no one could ever love, care, put me first like Skip has. I couldn't take on anyone else's baggage ... no, if I didn't have Skip ... I would go on with life doing things to make me smile, be happy ... with good people, happy colors, and my Pup. Skip and I talk about these things.

You all who know me know I am extra-observant, very quiet ... though I am the same if I laugh or talk. There isn't one minute that goes by that I'm not sensing, feeling people ... because I am a very compassionate person ... not only that ... though I never say anything ... I pay attention to people who hide deceit, lie ... aren't sincere. I never let on ... I smile, stay the 'same old sweet Gloria' who wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Why am I like that? Because I pick ... choose my battles... the ones that all Hell is going to break out and ... I am ... going to win. These are only battles that are meaningful in life ... important that affect my life, my loved ones' life.

I don't have to live with how it feels to mistreat others, treat them ugly, unfairly ... or ... talk through them when their bodies betray them. If I did do that ... it would be so hard to find peace of mind. I know you go through Hell in your minds when you do that.

Oh ... I do know how all I wrote feels ... exactly ... how it feels when Life throws one of those costumes of Life ... on one's body. I Have walked this road too ... people counted me down and out ... when I fought for my Life battling cancer ... Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. 

I was disguised too ... my body was beaten up by all I had to endure to live But ... my mind, intelligence was still there when I could barely speak above a whisper. 

I could still see with my eyes when people saw me, go into shock at how sick I was ... how I could barely hold myself up to walk. What they didn't see was that fire inside me, the steel in my spine, the fight I had inside to live ... and SEE them turn away from me. 

I won't ever forget the tone and the words of one woman who never liked me when I was vibrant, alive with so much life ... she had been jealous of me. 

I was trying to make my body strong again for the umpteenth time ... I made myself drive to a store ... I went to pay for my things . I looked up ... that woman was the cashier. 

She loved seeing me look so bad (my clothes were nice ... my body had lost so much weight, I was weak ... I was so sick and had no business being out in public). She put on an expression of disgust and said in an ugly tone ... 'what's wrong with you?'

I remember looking up at her ... my eyes full of tears ... they stayed that way from all the chemo, medicines ... at that moment the sting of her words added more tears. I softly told her I had cancer ... Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. .. she just sneered at me, never said another word. She hurt my Heart deeply that day. 

I write only a little about what I experienced right now to let my readers know I only talk, write about what I know in my life. 

I know how Skip felt, has felt since Life threw one of its costumes on him ... like all of us ... we can go from living Life to the fullest to being at death's door in a moment ... through no choice of our own.

The saddest is when people only see the costume never seeing YOU anymore ... they look through you, talk to the air. They say things without thinking you see, hear anymore ... they don't see your mind is intact.

The positive here is ... miracles happen ... ✨ miracles happen to give hope to others as well as be wonderful for the people they happen to. I am most grateful with my very Gloria being ... for the miracles happening to us ... and this is just the beginning.

Oh ... Skip walked all the way to the building, inside to the elevator ... down the long hall to his doctor's office! The doctor was amazed 🙂❤❤ I am looking forward to when his other doctors see him. Skip held a good conversation with with the doctor ... she was so pleased with him, his progress. I saw it in her eyes ... she really listened, enjoyed talking to Skip.

Not only that ... on the way home he walked across the parking lot to McDonald's for coffee. Inside he talked like he used to before he ever became sick to a woman holding a baby.

Skip had been too sick to hold conversations. I laugh now telling him it has been so quiet all these past several years ... now he talks up a storm, he is going to the kitchen to get drinks, food ... wash his own glass. He baths, dresses, does most everything on his own again!

Oh my ... I think Skip is going to be hard to keep up with! I look forward ... I look forward to our Life again! I sit here tonight smiling as I write. I hear Skip softly snoring, having no idea how he has made me feel such hope, happiness ... yes, I look forward to our Life.

Note: Shared from my writing site: myLot.com.  Photo of Skip owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates .

Sometimes ... You Can Watch, Actually See Miracles In Front Of Your Eyes

My Husband, Skip ... November 17, 2022 ... You Are Looking At A Miracle ❤❤❤

Note: Shared from my writing site:  MyLot.com 

Today has been special, beautiful, wonderful and the beginning of miracles happening. Though I won't go into detail with anyone ... I am so thankful to look forward to Life ahead. 

When my miracles transpire I will create miracles too. I have tried hard to keep lots of wonderful light in the darkness of our world ... with all of your encouragement on my Facebook, my Messenger ... I have succeeded in doing that. 

I have constantly looked for splashes of sunlight to make my Heart feel happy, lighter when I could have easily sunk into deep depression, stayed in bed never looking past a dark room. 

I have lived in that kind of darkness because I couldn't find my way for several years when my only child died. I have fought hard to smile when I didn't feel it ... I ended up smiling because I made myself feel happiness, hope. 

As Skip began to heal, get better and better ... I had to help him find hope to go on living ... he lost so much when he became so sick beginning 2016. Finally ... oh my, finally I see him smile, even hear him chuckle ... sounds I'm not used to. 

He moves differently lately not needing my help ... something I am not used to. Finally our life can only get better ... have such hope again to just live normally.

 Can you imagine how good it feels to feel to not feel so alone? Never anyone to talk to, anyone to really care ... I think here why would they ... I am no one to ... anyone. I don't say that in a negative way at all. It can be sad to live such a private life, have few family members you can't be close to. 

My advice to anyone should they ask ... have a wonderful family, friend support system so you always have a life going on all the time. It is a good thing I have grown through the years to be very strong because it takes strength to navigate such powerful storms I have endured in my life. 

I know there are other people out there who go through so much in their lives. They just don't write about it like I do. I write my life because I don't talk to anyone in everyday life. 

I write my life to survive, live because if I left all the pain, grief, hurt inside of me ... I wouldn't be big enough to hold it all. I guess I would become a human volcano 🙂🙃🙂😂🤣 Boom! BOOM! So ... I will always write so, I won't erupt ❤❤❤

Do You Know What You Really Want In Life?

 

Photo of sunflower I grew ... 2021. Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ... My story shared from my writing site: myLot.com. 

Really ... do you know ... exactly ... what you really want in Life? Or maybe you have a vague idea of things you would like to have. I have finally decided after years being wasted ... exactly what I want in Life. My mind has locked in, focused to the tiniest detail what I want. There aren't many times I have done this in my life but ... whenever I did ... miracles began to happen. I expect no less now. In my mind I can see colors, shape, size of what I want. I can feel in my mind like it is almost reality. I know soon it will be reality. I am focused, locked in ... this is how miracles happen when my focus is unshakable. Is there anything you want so much you can feel, taste it? Anything that makes you focus, lock in on in your mind? You wake up each day knowing any moment it will become reality? If so, always be grateful, thankful for all you have in life at all times even if you don't have a lot. For me this is key ... always being so thankful down to the smallest thing. Do you know what you want in Life? So much you are locked in, focused on it? Have you ever watched other people do what you thought was impossible? What did you observe about them? They were ... locked in, focused no matter if someone told them ... it was impossible ... And you witnessed a miracle happening ... somehow the universe brought all into reality. I have watched that happen over and over through time. I look back in time to two times I actually did that ... now ... I am doing it for the 3rd time in my life. Things are already set in motion ... thoughts are powerful. Just shift the way you think ... you will see for yourself. Do you know what you really want in Life?

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Frozen Foods Today

 

Shared from my writing site: myLot.com 

Written by Gloria Brown Bates 

I was thinking as I prepared lunch today ... frozen foods are nice to have on hand. I would love to freeze more than I do.

Today I took a package of frozen Alaskan Pollock from our chest freezer ... I also, took out frozen breaded shrimp. I placed all on a sheet pan, popped the pan into the oven. 

When all was done ... Skip and I enjoyed eating Alaskan Pollock fillets, shrimp for our lunch. What I love about the fillets and shrimp is ... the flavors are good No funny, off flavors.

Skip is funny just I am about foods tasting like it should. We do like certain brands of frozen foods, one being Gorton's.

I was wondering what favorites you have? I would like to try something someone has already used, enjoyed the flavors.

I have been paying close attention to a website where everyone makes freezer meals ahead. That also, appeals to me. I may do that in the future. Just cook up batches of meals for two ... freeze.