My Positions In Bed Are Determined By ... What! ... By A What?!

 Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... my Tommy Dragonfly wind chime.

April 13, 2024 💛 Saturday 💛 7:24 am💛

Good morning. I am of course in my usual writing spot, position ... yes, sitting on the bed beside Skip and Camie while they are sleeping. 

The sun is teasing this morning... it hasn't really begun to shine yet ... when it does I might get to sit in a pool of sunlight while I write. We'll see!

I am not sitting cross-legged this morning ... I have one leg partially stretched out, the other off the bed ... with my foot/heel on the bed frame. Camie has given me room to do that 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 

My positions in bed are determined by Miss Camie, I move accordingly to how she sleeps.

I remember when through the years we had 4 large 🐕  🐕  🐕 🐕 dogs ... of course, they slept on the bed! I mean where else would they sleep, right? This is when we learned how humans sleep with their dogs.

I couldn't rest knowing our Pups weren't close by on the bed. I love sleeping in crazy positions, I love the challenge of trying to find room ... fit my body into bed! I don't mind it at all. Guess what? Both Skip and I feel the same way, always have.

I am not going into 'whys'... nor argue about dogs sleeping on the bed. You can't possibly understand unless you've slept with your dogs. 

Keep this in mind ... your dogs are as clean as you are. I keep a sheet or spread over the bottom half of the bed ...  if it rains, feet are wet during the night, it's okay. I keep it changed frequently. Never no smells, never dirty. Yes, sometimes ... there are dog hairs.

I will tell you this ... if you don't see, have a few dog (pet) hairs ... that may mean you are a lonely person. I'm just saying ... we each live our life with ... without pets. I respect you if you don't.  🙃💛💛

I was just thinking ... it really is challenging, fun ... at times to just see ... how in the world you can fit your body into the bed ... when you have a dog (pet)/dogs. Somehow after all these years I still do it ... I don't mind at all.

Miss Camie will be 11 years old on July 4th ... that's the day I rescued her poor little body off the cold, wet ground. She was almost dead, her body didn't have hair ... I had to almost beg to have her ... I had to wait for a couple of hours while the woman called, asked her husband if ... I could have Camie. He was bringing a shotgun home to kill her.

I never thought to drive to pick her up ... I carried her body going to my knees several times, her body so heavy. I remember praying I could just get her to our gate ... then prayed for God to please help me get her up on our porch. My prayers were answered.

For over a year I nursed Camie back ... our friends helping financially by sending money to me, to the her vet. Especially one friend whom we call Camie's Angel in Australia ... oh my, she loved, cared for Camie, made sure Camie had all the medical help she needed. Camie lives because her Angel made sure she got everything she needed.

Camie's Angel is in our Hearts ... always. I wrote a book in my imperfect way ... called Camie's Angel. Those who have followed, read me for years know I am the first to say my writing, my artwork ... my creations aren't perfect. I always say this ... 'who cares'? I write, create to live, survive.

Oh my, my, my! The sunshine just drenched me in golden pool of light! I am smiling to myself ... I love that! For a moment I was sitting in a golden pool of light.  Now, it isn't as intense ... but, the sun is shining. I wonder if the sun was favoring me with a big, golden smile!

Everyone talked about how I saved Camie ... not many people knew this ... Camie saved ME. I was still in such deep grief over the loss of my son, Tommy. When Camie came into my life ... I focused on her ... we saved each other. It didn't happen overnight ... it took so much time ... we made it through.

Well .. the sunshine picked this moment to shine ... smile on me again. I wonder who else sits, hopes the sun will shine on them at least just for a moment? It means the world to ME. Light, 🌞 🌞 ☀️ ⛅ 🌞 sunshine brightens up my Heart, soul ... gives me hope, comfort all is going to be alright. 

Talking about ... comfort ... I am going to turn the coffeemaker on! It will be a while before Skip will wake up. I can make him a fresh pot of coffee 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 

Coffee is pure, liquid comfort ... it's welcomed with open arms at any time ... good or bad. To ME ... it isn't about the caffeine people want ... to ME ... it's like ... the sunshine. Special! 

Coffee gives ME comfort, hope that all is going to be alright. Like I do with the bright sunshine ... when drinking ☕ coffee (with extra cream now) ... I also, close my eyes to savor the warmth, comfort it brings to ME. 

These are just a few things I hold special in my life ... Skip, Camie ... comfort from sunshine, coffee. Money doesn't buy special comfort as I find in the simplest of things. 

I am so glad I have learned what is so important in Life. I used to think it took only material things to be happy in life. 

Of course, I like material things but ... they are only icing on the cake ... when the cake taste wonderful by itself ... meaning I love myself even without material things ... material things don't define ME ... I am Gloria all on my own.

I sound silly probably to some ... that's okay. Life is like that sometimes. Happy day ... happy colors in your day! ❤💙💚💛❤💜💚💜💛❤

Just Sunshine ...

 

Photo ... artwork by/owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... Sunshine makes ME happy.

April 12, 2024 ... Friday ... 7:48 am

I am sitting here on the bed ... the sunshine is shining on me. I really love that. I think it just smiled because it just got brighter.

Skip and Camie are napping. They were up a little earlier, laid back down. Me ... well, I turned Mr. Coffee on ... I think I will have a cup of coffee early instead of waiting until Skip gets up.

Okay ... I went to get a cup of coffee ... I fed Miss Camie, too. She jumped off the bed, followed me to the kitchen. We are back in bed with Skip. I am taking sips of my coffee ... it's so good. Comforting ... coffee is comforting.

I love how the sun is shining through the moving branches. There is a lot wind this morning. The wind has been up since yesterday. I love watching tree branches wave, dance in the wind.

Wow ... the sun is shining on my face ... I closed my eyes to just enjoy the soft glow ... the soft color of red seeing the sunshine through my closed eyes. I love the simplest of things it seems. Probably things no one takes time to notice, think about.

All these little unimportant things to no one else so far this morning have added up to make me feel happy inside. 😊 Gracious, it didn't cost anything for something so special ... well, special to ME.

I looked over at Skip while he sleeps ... the sunshine is casting silhouettes over him ... of one of my favorite silhouettes ... window blinds. Why in the world do I find silhouettes of window blinds so fascinating ... so special?  I honestly can't answer that question. For ME there is something magical ... did I hear you laugh? That's okay ... I laugh at myself sometimes,  too.

Sunshine seems to be on my mind this morning 🌄 I have missed for the past couple of mornings sitting in the sunshine. We had appointments ... and it's also, been cloudy. I am appreciating 🌞 sunshine this morning ... with my Heart.

I hope you have a bright, happy-colored day ... and when the sun shines on you today ... you will feel such joy as I feel.

Happy Birthday, Skip! I 'Did A Thang', Yall! How's That For Improvising!?!

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates  ...

Well ... again I sit here on our bed to write ... same spot, same position. I am waiting for the sun to begin shining, find me ... cover me in a pool of warm, happy light. I find myself waiting each morning for that to happen. There's nothing like writing in a pool of sunshine. 💛💛💛💛💛

I just helped Miss Camie up onto her step, then helped her put her front feet up on the bed ... then nudged her forward gently ... she used her back legs to push herself up onto the bed. My arms stay on either side to protect her. Now, she is ready for her morning nap. 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

Skip is awake. I helped him to get up for a few minutes, then helped him back into bed. I tucked his covers around him making him snug, warm 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

The sun is peeping through the trees now! 🌳 Soon ... it will find me ... all of a sudden pour a big pool of sunshine right here on ME! I love that ... I really love that. The happiness I feel at that moment is very special. Another silly thing about ME ... but, who cares?

So ... 'I did a thang', yall ... I am proud of myself, I really am. It didn't cost money at all, and I made a wish of Skip's come true. He was wishing for a scanner so, he could listen to the Public Safety channel. So much goes on now, here ... we hear sirens all the time ... so many new people have moved here during the past several years.

With many thousands of new people there are some who are going to cause too much excitement in the way of crime, do bad things. There are lots of break-ins, somebody on the run ... such things. Skip wanted to listen to what goes on around him.

I have over a period of months been getting Skip birthday presents (his birthday is May 13th) a little at a time. 🎂 Recently, Skip has begun to worry again ... about not being here, I don't like the word ... dying. Well ... this past weekend I began giving him his birthday presents one at a time. I wanted to cheer him up ... it did, and took his mind off dying.

I gave him a watch with big numbers on it ... a little adult swimming pool (70"  round ... 30" deep) ... very small, yes. I got him another rollator ... so there's one in each vehicle. Also, a digital clock with big numbers so, he can see it. I almost forgot ... a set of walkie talkies so, if I am outside and he isn't... he can speak to me instantly. Not a lot but, I did what I felt would add to his quality of life ... make it better for him. I took a little money, made it go a long ways.

Several days ago Skip was wishing for a scanner. Hearing sirens 🚨 triggered our conversation. I had given him things I knew he'd like to have ... I will hold a bill back ... anything to try to get anything Skip wishes for ... this was something I wished I had known. I would have made sure to get him a scanner to listen to.

I began thinking on how I could afford to get Skip a scanner to go with his birthday gifts. They are very expensive as I recall. An idea began forming in my mind, I was remembering ... putting little bits of information together when all of a sudden I knew what to do! That is if it worked ... I began hunting for what I needed.

I searched everywhere for an old tablet I used to use a few years back ... it was really 'still new'. I searched everywhere high and low ... I couldn't find it. All of a sudden I got up, walked straight to it sitting on a shelf almost in front of me. I grabbed it, began hunting for an extra charger with cable ... I found one in my desk drawer.

I took my tablet, began hunting about scanners online ... I came to a local website with our county's Public Safety channel! I was praying for it to work for me so, I could make this wish of Skip's come true.

It not only worked! It worked perfectly! I with myself did it! 🙂🙃🙂😁😊 ... I pulled the website up on the extra tablet ... wallah! Skip has a scanner listening to what goes on around him! 

It has been on since yesterday working like a charm. Periodically it goes off ... brush fires, someone doing something they shouldn't  ... and such things.

It didn't cost any money at all. One couldn't ask for better reception. I did it, yall 🙃 ... I did it! How is that for improvising?  I think a scanner would cost several hundred dollars or more.

Happy Birthday, Skip! ❤ I love you with my very Heart! I love you, Miss Camie ❤ with my very Heart!

Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma ... Death ... Suffering ... Smiles

I haven't ever had a NDE ... near death experience in the meaning of dying, experiencing something to come back, tell.

I have however, lived right on the cusp ... right outside ... the door to Death. For some time I lived this way while battling cancer (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma) for my life. Much I don't remember ... much I do remember living in that world.

I was here but, not here ... I was strangely removed yet, there with Skip, our dogs. I could talk, I don't think anyone heard ME. Later when more lucid I would find out Skip didn't hear me. My thoughts were conversation inside with myself.

I remember the darkness around me ... I couldn't see past the darkness ... sometimes, I could hear. If I had died during that time ... there wasn't any fear of death ... there wasn't fear at all ... I only knew the darkness and the sensation of being the coldest I had ever been in my life.

I had a constant sensation in my body ... itching. My skin constantly itched ... not a crazy itch ... just itching. I couldn't see my skin ... I was under many blankets ... in July. I remember my fingers gently touching my skin, lightly scratching. Cancer causes itching ... chills, fever, night sweats ... loss of weight.

Skip's reaction once reached through the foggy, dark world I was in ... I was dressing myself to go to the doctor ... somehow ... I had lost so much weight without being aware of it. That's how sick I was ... I had lost all sense of ... self ... myself. I was gone but, still there. The shock was great enough to make Skip gasp ... that was the only time ever I've seen him do that.

I vaguely remember the moment I was being wheeled to surgery ... I could barely whisper. I told Skip I was so glad I was going to surgery because I couldn't make it any longer. I had major surgery ... thoracotomy on my left lung. Oh my God ... no one will ever know the pain, suffering for the next 5 years ... pain even to this day.

Non-Hodgkins lymphoma was in my lung .. my condition had progressed so much that I could barely speak above a whisper, and I couldn't breathe. It took so long to go through many tests to finally diagnose me ... I only became sicker fast. At first they thought Sarcoidosis only to find out it wasn't. 

This was only the beginning of my battle ... I was so close to death ... my body the weakest ever in my life. I went on to relapse ... have to have a ...... second surgery ... another thoracotomy on my right lung. Oh my God ... if I thought I knew pain ... imagine double pain. Back then, thoracotomy surgery was horrible. Now ... it's less invasive. The pain for years since ... even now, I hurt. I call it forever pain.

My oncologist will tell you I shouldn't even be here. In my mind I knew I wasn't going to make it ... 

I will write more on this life-altering experience as time goes by. It can't be written in a short time.

What a journey in Life I took ... it was the worst thing to ever happen to ME ... until the very moment the stranger's voice told me my son was collapsed on the beach ... and he wasn't breathing. Oh my God ... no pain I've ever suffered before, since then ... even compares.

You can't look at ME ...  and see even a hint of some of the most awful journeys I've taken in my life ... you can't even see a hint of pain this body has had in it, nor know the pain my body carries. I won't let you see ... I will dazzle you with my smiles. 

Why would I let anyone see unless ... I was looking for pity, sympathy?  You won't ever see ME want sympathy nor pity.

If you happen upon ME in pain ... and I don't hide it ... it's probably best to get me to the nearest hospital ... even if I'm smiling. I smiled through so much pain from hundreds of painful tests, when my lung was collapsed, surgeries ... when I had open-heart surgery ... if you see me in pain ... disregard my smiles ... I'm in trouble, I need medical attention. Really ... please help me.

Okay ... I see I'm getting ready to go down another road. I will stop here. I always say this to you ... when I tell my very real stories... don't ever feel sorry for ME. I write to entertain ... tell the world my experiences living real life hoping when I write, say something it will help someone. 

I also, write to survive ... writing keeps ME from building up inside ... imagine a teapot steaming ...if you closed the valve ... the teapot would explode. I am that teapot ... steaming is my release in order not to explode. We all have outlets ... writing is mine ... I write what I know best ... my Life.

I write the colors of my life. Real colors of a very real person.

All Is Said, Done ... Total Eclipse

 

Photo is of my Tommy Dragonfly windchill ... 

April 08, 2024 ... Monday ... 4:03 pm

Well, the eclipse happened ... the world didn't end. As far as I know ... bad things didn't happen. People always predict such whenever there's an event like this.

I am glad they were wrong ... I'm not one of these people who love, thrive off gloom, doom. I am one who can feel a little nervous until all is said, done.

I was concerned when multiple earthquakes were predicted. I truly hope that doesn't happen. Of course, who am I to say either way. I don't know.

I look outside .. the daylight looks normal again making ME feel good. The lighting was strange just before ... not natural. 

It is now 4:12 pm ... all is said, done now ... the total eclipse is over with. The sun is shining happily once again ... making me feel happy inside.

A Guardian Angel With My Imperfect Self ... Guardian Angel Duty

What you see in these photos is my precious, little world ... in my mind I am their Guardian Angel ... however, how imperfect I am ... even if I'm not ... a Real angel 😇 🙂🙃💚💜

April 08, 2024 ... Monday

Today is finally here for the millions of people looking to view the total eclipse. We have heard all kinds of crazy stories ... always full of doom.

Well ... this evening we will know if any or what comes true. We will be watching for that ... we didn't get special glasses so, we will stay inside. We don't mind at all.

I am sitting here on our bed. Camie just went outside ... Skip got up for a few minutes, I helped him back into bed. Camie has just come back to be helped up onto her step, helped to get up onto the bed.

Now ... she and Skip will nap for a little longer ... I will stay by their sides until they awaken ... and write. I am on guardian angel duty ... 🙂🙃🙂💜💚💜🙃 The day will begin once they get up.

Guardian angel duty 🙃 I always call myself Skip and Camie's Guardian angel.  Yes, we know I'm not a real Guardian angel with my imperfect self. I am a living, imperfect Guardian angel whose nose itches at this very moment ... I reached up to touch it, gently scratch it ... who is on this earth to watch over, protect Skip, Camie.

Oh, I'm not even an angel ... I am just ME ... Gloria. A Gloria who loves her husband, dog with all her Heart. My every day, night is about Skip and Camie. They are both older, have medical issues ... I am the strongest of us three ... I take care of us. I truly do the best I know how.

In my mind ... Guardian angels are perfect, have earned their wings. I always call myself Skip, Camie's Guardian angel ... I am in the respect of taking care of them,watching over them constantly.  

Just know ... I am in sound mind when I say I am their Guardian angel. I mean ... I don't fly, do miraculous things or such ... 🙂🙃🙂💚💜 Hell, I don't even have wings.

I couldn't fly if I wanted to. With wings I would be dangerous until I learned to navigate with them. Can't you just see it now? Gloria flying erratically ... bumping into you, and everything with a foolish grin on my face? 

That was my real thought ... so, I wrote it 🙂🙃🙂 Sometimes, our minds are very entertaining like having an internal television ... the difference is our minds can imagine the outcome of any, everything. I would imagine all happy endings ... imagine all bad guys get their just rewards ... imagine all the underdogs be top dogs. I could keep on ... I won't.  💛 

I am sitting here on the bed ... I turn my head to look at Skip ... he is sleeping peacefully with his hand to his face ... I look at Camie sleeping in front of me. I wonder if they in any way know the love that envelops them even when asleep?

I wonder if they in any way know ... that this living being, this whole person called ... Gloria ... loves them with everything that is ... Gloria?

They are my world 🌎 ♥ ❤ and I'll be their living, imperfect Guardian angel as long as we all breathe. Every breath I take is pure love for my little world ... Skip and Camie.

This angel is wanting coffee! I think Skip is awake ... Camie probably is awake waiting for us to make a move 🙂🙃🙂💚💜💚💛💛

Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden

Blue Ball Lightening ... Life

 

April 07, 2024 ... Sunday 7:18 am

Photos owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... bottom photo is my beloved Grandma Alma and George.

Blue Ball Lightening...

I used to see it as a child living at my Grandma Alma's house during storms. I was very afraid ... she would tell me to sit on her old couch, be quiet during the storm.

I would cover up with a quilt, head and all ... peep out toward the bedroom facing the couch.

I knew what I was going to see ... sure enough ball lightening that looked blue, the size of a basketball would slowly come rolling from the bedroom door, stop just inside the living room to (in my young mind) 'stare' at me.

The fear I felt was undescribable. I never called out for help. I saw ball lightening many times there. It always came from that same bedroom door ... always during a storm.

Strange enough ... no one else ever saw it nor ... ever heard of ball lightening. Through all years if I ever spoke of it. Rarely did I speak about many things that affected my young life ... there wasn't anyone who cared ... no one was in a position to protect this one little girl.

The things that happened to me during my childhood I thought then ... it was supposed to be like that.

At age nine in my young life is when my life went to Hell ... ME with it. Before that ... I had a beautiful life excepting for when my step-father would drag my beautiful mother by her very long hair out of our bed, beat her.

Her screams, the sound of his hands slapping her skin, the cursing ... sometimes, he would shoot inside the house. There were several bullet holes ... in the bedroom my baby brother and I slept in.

I vaguely remember all of a sudden I never saw my baby brother again. I was too young to know my mother and the man I thought was my father ... called daddy ... had split up. He moved back to Wisconsin taking my baby brother with him.

No one will ever know the grief this person as that little girl carried in her Heart. I cried constantly for him. He was my baby brother ... he was part of my little world ... he was part of the only life I knew.

Then ... my beautiful mother was gone ... people wouldn't mention her name, my brother's names around me ... I would sob uncontrollably for hours. No one could comfort me.

I cried so much, I called for my mama to come back to me. I cried for my little brother to come back. He never came back into my life until briefly as an adult. Sadly ... the damage had been done ... we never formed that brother-sister bond again.

My beautiful mother would come, go keeping me in turmoil. She would come back, try to make a life ... ended up throwing me from grandmother to grandmother.

She would use one grandmother for money ... the other if that didn't work out. At age nine ... no one can ever know the Hell I lived in ... nor the demons who lived there always wanting to do things they shouldn't. 

They were disguised as regular people who smiled, talked normal ... who could be trusted around children. When everyone was out of sight that facade would slip on off exposing the real person underneath.

Those 'demons' were family friends ... relatives, mom's boyfriends. As a little child, little girl I was supposed to look up to them ... respect them. I never told anyone how scared I was of them, I didn't tell the things they did ... I didn't tell the things they said.

That's probably why ... I got to grow up. I kept things to myself out of fear. Many children have died, went missing for such things ... I didn't know this as a child. I must have had some kind of natural self-preservation in me.

How could adults not see, sense when a little girl is afraid, nervous? No one saw ME. They only saw my sweet little smiles, my beautiful, long, curly hair and oh! how much I looked like my beautiful mother. Oh! when they were angry at me ... how much I looked like my father whom they didn't like.

Life ... in my young mind was supposed to be like that ... the things I endured as a child. Don't ask me why as a little girl I thought that. Did someone put that thought there to make me do as they wanted? I can't tell you. There are blocks in my mind even I can't go back to.

I am very interested in how children are affected by all around them ... how they learn so young the things they do, how they think. I care.

As an adult I truly see children are so bright, so much more aware of real life than one gives them credit for. As a child I was told to shut up, children are meant to be seen, not heard. Maybe that's why I didn't,  couldn't tell anyone ... things.

I am glad in today's time I can look back on my life without a lot of emotion ... I am always studying things ... the 'whys' of things. I can do it, not cry anymore excepting for one strange moment ... I felt that grief wanting my little brother, beautiful mother back as that little girl I was telling you about.

I was amazed after all these many years ... I hate to say it ... tears came to these eyes ... my Heart felt such deep pain. Who knew that was still there inside ... ME? I know ME so well but ... I didn't realize anything from 'then' ... could touch ME ... now.

That was just for a brief moment. .. rare moment. I think it happened because of such undying love in a person's Heart ... it's never forgotten. It's the same with the loss of my only child. With my son ... the grief is only behind my smiles. I know how to hide it.

The sunshine chose this moment to shine brightly on ME ... I am sitting here on the bed beside Skip and Camie while they sleep .. in a little golden pool of sunshine. My spirits instantly lifted from the dark place I just visited in my mind. No tears excepting for one ... I just wiped it away. Everything really is alright ... what a beautiful day!

Life can be very sad ... I think how we learn from all that happens to us ... 'how we apply our Life lessons to our everyday life ... matters. I can't talk for you, however ... I always talk, write for ME. I study myself ... everyone I know, don't know. I try to learn the hows, whys of Life.

Does that make ME an expert on Life? A big resounding NO! I am just so interested in what makes ME the way I am, the way I think ... and ....

And ... how in the world did I grow up to be a for-real good person, have values ... try to be the very best I can ... how in the world did I grow up with a good Heart ... how can I care about others like I do ... how do I stay, care for Skip, Camie like I do ... how can I possibly be pretty honest 🙂🙃🙂 (sometimes I do break rules) ... how can I be loyal ... how can I myself, ME take responsibility so seriously ... how can ... how can ... the questions I ask myself ... how in the world can ... I be a person I really like? Because ...

I do like myself because I do love real people who have come into their own not being afraid to just be ... real. I do like, love ME.

Real people can say No when they mean it instead of trying to please everyone when it only hurts them. Real people don't find the need to put others down in order to build themselves up.

They don't feel the need to keep up with the Jones. They don't do things to impress anyone to be liked. You know most of us for-real get stuck in being all the things I just mentioned ... thinking that's real life. I used to be all those things many years ago ... I can't imagine being like that now. Nor ... would I want to be.

Sadly ... in my life I learned the hard way ... wasting time, years ... thinking I was being something I wasn't ... was ... what we were supposed to do, be in order to be somebody. Oh ... sad indeed ... all the valuable time in one's life wasted.

Ball lightening. .. blue ball lightening is a real thing. I've witnessed it as a little girl. I thought everything in my young life was in everyone else's life.

Can you imagine how it felt growing a little older realizing parents actually loved their children, would go to all lengths to protect, prepare them for life ahead?

Can you imagine how it felt to grow older through time realizing that my life wasn't supposed ... to be like that?

I began on the road of blue ball lightening. .. here I'm ending our trip of many roads, detours before we go down another long, winding road. I think by listening without turning my head ... Skip is beginning to wake up. Camie just went outside. Time for Me to begin a new day.

I hope your day is full of the happiest of soft, beautiful colors. If it is, tell me ... I love to hear about happy, good things happening to people. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden

Camie Is Getting Older Now

 

Our precious Camie Leigh Bates ... I rescued her July 04, 2013 ... she rescued ME from my grief losing my only child. We have protected, loved, cared for her all these years. We love her with our very Hearts. Precious Camie 💛 Gloria Faye Brown Bates 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Our Sweet Camie is getting older ... taking her to the vet yesterday brought it home to me more so. 

I have been noticing changes in her for some time ... my Heart feels sad in the sense of all of us getting older ... one day won't be here. 

In the other sense ... I now know she has arthritis,  feels pain causing her to limp at times. 

The vet checked her joints ... he said they felt crunchy. She will be taking a chew daily now ... Movoflex for joint support.

I gave Camie her first chew when we got home ... she didn't want it until I broke it up, put it in with a little tenderloin, gravy. She ate it up.

Now ... she HAS to lose weight. Skip likes to feed her all the time ... out of pure love.

I told Skip NOW ...  is the time not to feed her extras ... that I know he loves her so much, that is why he does it. Anyway, I explained to him every pound lost will make Camie's life much better.

He agreed. Now ... we can work together ... Camie can get trimmer (and ME too, in the process 🩷🙂❤️😊🩷🙃🩷). That will take the extra weight off her joints.

I have been doing a lot of thinking watching Camie lately. My feelings are bittersweet ... that's a word that describes a lot in my life, especially getting older.

I love the word bittersweet ... it is easier to say than to speak of so much bad along with the good in my life. 

I call my life bittersweet ... life full of all the not so good mixed in a cocktail of fleeting happy moments I never seemed to hold onto for long at a time in all my life. 

Regret, sadness, grief ... all emotions a person can possibly feel tossed into the mixture. Sadness ... happiness ... gratefulness ... thankfulness ... smiles ... tears ... love ... anger ... hate ... the list goes on.

Those are some of the ingredients in my cocktail of life ... all mixed into the one word ... bittersweet. 

In this blend of my life ... the mixture is perfect ... to be able to survive my life to ...live, literally live to this very moment in time. 

Looking back especially to the time my son died ... if any one tiny thing had been any different ...at that time I would have ceased existing. 

Life is very fragile ... we never realize that until tragedy strikes ... we learn in the harshest of ways how it feels, what it means when everything is taken from us.

We are stripped of everything we held dear to our Hearts until ... we have nothing left. We have begin all over to learn how to put the pieces of our life back together again. 

We think we do that ... until something happens again scattering the pieces of our life again ... we begin the process over again trying to put some kind of sense back into our life.

So many times, just so, so many times I have put the pieces of Gloria's Life Puzzle back together again ... so many times I have put it together thinking it's okay now ... only for all the pieces to crash to the floor scattering in every direction once again.

Then ... I rethink all the more carefully as I rebuild my life trying to reinforce the weaknesses ... and what happens? My puzzle breaks, scatters all to Hell as I stand, look on all in astonishment ... through my tears, pain.

I have learned through time ... I can't control everything ... because as that old saying goes ... (at least I think that saying goes ... 🙃😊🙂 you all know how I am with old sayings!) ... 'no man lives on an island alone'.  

In my thinking meaning ... we don't control all in our life because of so many people who come, go touching our life in some way. In positive  or negative ways ... turning our lives upside down ... or bringing us such joy. Many outside forces touch our life ... life, death ... we don't control these.

We don't have sole control ... somebody can pass by with the flick of a finger, or blow a puff of air at our puzzle pieces ... to once again scatter all to Hell. 

Someone we love can die ... bringing our world to a screeching halt.

Anything, everything does, will happen ... life is that way.

In my life ... I continually play the role of 'Humpty Dumpty' ... I continually put the pieces of my life back together. In my life ... life has been like that ... it's just the way it has been.

In my life I have really meant to find good in bad ... try to make the bad into good. I have tried so hard to never be a cold, hard person ... a mean, bitter person. 

I want to grow older gracefully as possible ... in my case ... it will be in an imperfect way! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🙂😊🙃😊😊🙃🙂

Coming from where I began as a little baby ... coming through the labyrinths of Life ... no guidance ... because if no one knows anything before you ... how can they guide you making life better for a child? How can they protect you when they can't protect themselves?

Generation after generation  ... people teach their children how to prepare for this big, old world. They teach their children good providing them with the tools of life to make their passage much easier. Children grow up without all the bad things that happen to the children who had no guidance.

I was sitting here thinking ... for a baby to grow up, survive all I weathered through all these years ... no guidance, learning the hard way ... I am very fortunate. 

I really am. I learned to forgive many years ago, taking that terrible weight off my shoulders. When you don't learn to forgive ... you travel through life bogged down from hate, anger, resentment. 

It hurts NO ONE ... it hurts only YOU ... when you don't forgive, drop that weight ... you are the only one who suffers while they live their life. Think about it.

Forgiveness was one of the biggest Life lessons I had to learn making me better for it. 

You see, feel better... life is better no matter how hard it is. 

Forgiveness means the power that person had on you is gone. They had power on you without knowing they could cause you grief every day of your life until  ... you forgave.

Wow ... the things I think about 🙂🙃😊🩷🩷 

I am sitting here on the bed beside Skip, Camie like always. I was sitting in my little pool of sunshine, writing until  the sun moved 😊

I just helped Skip sit up in bed ... Camie will be getting up. That's my signal to begin this beautiful day. I just felt such happiness inside ... that's a good feeling!

Happy day full of happy colors to ME ...and to you too! I didn't want to forget wishing ME happy colors, too. I want to share in them, also! 😊🩷🙃🙂❤️🙂🙃🩷😊🩷🩷

 Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden

Sunshine ... Argan Moroccan Oil ... Happy Colors

 

I am sitting here in a pool of sunshine at this very second. ❤🧡💛 I have just sat up on the bed ... from waking up. I sure enjoyed getting my sleep last night .

I wake up all through the night to help Skip and ... to help Camie get back up on the bed. Sometimes, it is hard to get out from my warm bedcovers 🙂🙃🙂💛💛 I know you know what I mean. I never-ever mind getting up for Skip ... Camie. Never.

I don't have time to write this morning. I am going to turn Mr. Coffeemaker on now ... then wake Skip. Camie is awake. I will help Skip get his bath, get dressed.

Skip has finally grown his first beard since his TBI (traumatic brain injury) and surgery February 2023. I have worked hard to help his beard, mustache get back soft, in condition to grow back out. 

I use Argan Moroccan Oil. The Tea Tree conditioner, and beard conditioners didn't seem to work. So ... I used my Argan Moroccan Oil ... that does work 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

His barber is a woman ... she did his hair, beard ... this week is the second time she cut his hair, beard. It looks so nice. Now ... for Skip to get past yesterday's eye injection. He always suffers for a time after each.

Happy colors to you you today! ❤🧡💜💙💚💛🧡❤💜💚💙💛❤🧡 Rock painted by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ❤

Skip Bates Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild Tommy M Sidden

Heaviest Of Weights ... More Than Soul-deep Pain ... Hell On Earth

 8:24 am 💚 April 02, 2024 💜 Tuesday 💛 ....... Soul-deep ... Memories ... I Lived My 'Hell' Here On Earth

Well, I have been driving all night ... the good thing I'm very well rested. I feel like I haven't lost any sleep at all 🙂🙃🙂 

The truth is ... I didn't lose sleep at all because I was dreaming. As I woke up I had gotten to Creedmoor, North Carolina thinking I was in Roxboro, North Carolina. Strange, but ... true. One can do anything in a dream and be justified. 

The photo with my story this morning is just another Facebook Memory. It made me think at this very moment ... what do I have the most of at this day and time? You are right ... memories. Oh! And photos.

As for memories... I only look for them in my mind when I write. I can't live in the past raking over old memories every day ... every minute of my life. 

I remember as a very young person my mind stayed in the past on all the pain , abuse both physical, mentally ... of course then ... living in the past so to speak ... my childhood memories weren't very old. At that time all was so fresh, raw ... the memories hadn't had time to heal, become pain-free. 

Today ... all my memories have had time to heal, become pain-free excepting ... one. Excepting memories of Tommy, my precious son. I can't see a day, a moment when my Heart doesn't hurt when I remember my only baby ... my only child ... my son.

How can I make you understand if you've never lost a child? A child ... better yet ... your child is the most real part of you. You are the one as a mother who carried your baby inside your body for in my case, almost 10 months.

Your mind, time was dedicated to the precious being inside your own body. Such excitement you'd never felt in your entire life ... dominated your every waking moment. 

Oh my, the excitement that you were actually going to have a real baby! Something of your very own ... something so special words can't describe ... you ... for-real you ... as its mother ... would be bringing into this world.

The sunshine just began to shine brightly outside my bedroom window when I wrote my last sentence ... for a split second I felt the excitement from those many years ago. Of course, that excitement ... plus the automatic excitement I always feel seeing the sun shine each morning ... felt exhilarating. 

I will only remember for a brief moment at this time ... memories, photos are my downfall ... I can't bear looking at them long. I don't have time to 'get lost' ... in my writing this morning.

To understand in a sense how it feels to lose your child is like if you lost a part of your body, mind, soul leaving a huge, empty space of nothing but, pure pain, anguish ... pure torment in its place. An ocean of treacherous waves, storms, lightening, fear of not being able to survive, live from something so much bigger than yourself. Never any rest, never a break from it to recover, come back to do it again.

A weight such as one so heavy as you've never carried in your life. A weight that you, you alone ... had to either learn to live with, pick it up and carry for the rest of your life ... or go on ... die. I almost didn't. 

A weight such as I'd never known in my life making any and every bad thing that happened in my young life disappear. .. a weight I knew in my Heart as a mother ... I wasn't going to be able to carry ... a weight that almost took my own life.

Think of a cold, hard-surfaced room ... cramming it so full of hard objects that won't flex or give to keep pushing, finding more room to cram more into. My body was like that room ... the pain was so much bigger than I ... the pain kept somehow coming into this one body, room ... in my life I haven't ever lived with such grief, pain, Heartache. Never-ever. 

Hurt ... the very word 'hurt' ... doesn't anywhere come close to that kind of pain. Until you experience ... (I hope you won't ever as a mother) such ... no words can ever express, describe ... it's unlike any other pain on this earth. I can only say this pain is ... soul deep.

For five years I couldn't see, smile, enjoy any kind of life ... pain blinded me ... pain dulled my senses ... and guilt if I smiled at any little thing ... how could this mother even think of smiling! when her child had died! 

Oh, the world full of grief is unlike any world you've ever lived in ... truly my words can't even come close to telling you how so. All I can do is try to describe but, when I do ... know my words in no way can describe accurately such horrendous pain, agony, grief. In fact, I think I 'lived my Hell' here on earth when my child died.

The good thing here is ... I survived the worst storm of my life of many storms ... I made it through. Looking back, knowing what I know and no one else knows ... this was yet ... another time I'm lucky to still be here. I will stop here.

Memories ... yes, that and all the many photos seem to be the most of what I have. I constantly put them in writing, online in my blog at Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com and on my Facebook to share with the world ... 

Hey! Just like you ... I once lived here too ... my life meant something too. My photos are proof ... not only that, people like to see faces, know how so and so looked putting faces to people, pets. I am! I used to be! 🙂🙃🙂💛💛

No one needs to worry about ME ... I don't live my life in a depression... I don't choose to. I have too many places to go ... too many things to do than to sit, wallow in my own self-pity. I don't have time to waste time.

I don't feel sorry for myself ... I don't allow anyone to pity ME. I am ... a survivor of many of Life's treacherous, horrendous storms ... I am a warrior ... fighter and ... I mean to win.

I always hope those who read ME ... find hope, strength to in some way add something positive to what is read from my words to their lives. I care, I know, I've experienced so much in my life. 

When you read ME ... my words aren't... empty words. They are from a very real person who has lived through 'you wouldn't believe' ... things. 

To this very moment in time ... 9:35 am ... on Tuesday, April 02, 2024 ... I am still here. I survived ... I sit here with the softest of smiles on my face ... bittersweet, but wonderful to be alive smile. I love Life! 

I wish your day to be filled with the happiest of colors! Here are some of my past happy colors!