THIS PAIN WENT DEEPER... TO MY SOUL

THIS PAIN WENT DEEPER... TO MY SOUL

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

I sat there and looked down at the DVD plastic case. I opened it, there was nothing inside excepting the DVD cover for the DVD that used to be in it. On the outside of that DVD plastic case, there were 2 objects with USB cords attached to it... I'm sure because that was the easiest way to mount something, to keep them from becoming lost.

One object had the words 'Co-Pilot' on it, the other had 'Microsoft' on it. It you are a truck-driver... you would recognize immediately what these 2 objects are... 'if' you have ever used them.

I plugged the USB cords into the ports on Tommy's laptop computer. Skip has Tommy's laptop computer, it was given to him by Tommy's wife. We treasure it.

What I was trying to accomplish was to make the Co-Pilot GPS work. Tommy had it on constantly as he drove across the country, into Canada.. on his tractor-trailer. I wanted to see it work... I used to hear it talk to him when he'd call me... I could hear it in the background on his truck. It would be telling which direction, which street to turn onto.

Tommy loved all the 'toys' to enhance his trucking experience. So, did I! I love toys, I love tools, I love 'everything'! Tommy used to get me some of the same toys he had, because he knew I was going to love his latest gadget.

If he bought a Leatherman knife, mama also, got a Leatherman. I have some of my 'real' tools... (that's what I'd always call them... Tommy would smile)... that he got for me ... the others were destroyed in the house fire. Tommy would get Skip special things, too.

Yesterday, I carefully unwound the USB cords, there were 2 of them connected to the GPS, and Microsoft objects. I connected them to Tommy's computer. I turned the computer on, clicked on the Co-Pilot icon. I read some of the manual, and tried to make it come on... without success.

I gave up, and slowly began to wound the USB cords up as the realization dawned on me.....the last person's hands on those cords.......... were my son's as he wound those cords up neatly. I just sat there.... very quietly 'feeling' pain........ this time the pain went much deeper as I held tightly those 2 little cords... I felt it in my very soul. I felt the 'real grief' that I've been hiding from you, from everyone, from myself.

This pain is the 'real' pain that I don't show to anyone... only Skip will see it at... times. The pain you see is the ....'I'm okay' pain.... one that I can smile that's happy and full of sunshine, and be alright with... while the 'other real' pain stays pushed down so deeply ... the pain in my very soul. This pain really hurts bad, it does something to me such as it did yesterday holding those cords in my hand, knowing my son's hands had been the last ones on them.

This pain made me become very quiet, forgetting the happy, bright smile, this pain really hurt me ... this is the pain I have to be careful with. I couldn't let this stay close to the surface or ... it could destroy me. This is the 'real' pain. This is the pain I 'forget' I have... and think I'm alright. We have to do this to ourselves in order to live, to function, to be whole again.

For that moment though.... I was reminded of what is down so deeply 'inside' me. It really hurts so... much. It took until last night for me to really feel good again. I could have laid down with it, and let it make me sick but, I chose not to. I would be going backwards when all I want to do is to go... forwards. I can't be any good to myself, others going backwards... none at all.

I just wanted to tell you about 'this pain' that hurt deeply ... to my soul. It's still there... it's been quite some time since I've 'felt that'. I've felt the pain I've told you about... but, I had forgotten 'this real pain'... no one sees, I don't let myself see, or dwell on.

Now, that I've told you about it, I can put it up... I am smiling a happy, bright smile now... it's sincere. I'm alright again. I'm glad I have you all to talk to. :))) Granny Gee