Hey, 'Dolly Parton'... I'm Sorry You Fell In That Bathtub!

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... 2013

Hey, 'Dolly Parton'... I'm Sorry You Fell In That Bathtub!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee




I was a young, naive girl who hadn't long run away to get married ( this marriage lasted 14 years too long and ended in divorce).  I married a man who loved women but, also... wanted me at the same time.  Being a young girl and not very worldly.... it took years before I became aware that he was spending time with other women when he would say he was elsewhere.


When he was home, he had a cousin who would visit and bring his latest girlfriend with him, and we'd all sit at the table and play cards.  This was the first of the times later that I would realize that under the table was a whole new world.... above the table all appeared normal.. except for the flirting... and under the table.... feet and hands were busy!  The busy hands and feet belonged to my ex-husband who was always so innocent... and to the latest girlfriends of his cousin, friends.


The cousin came with his latest girlfriend one night... she was dressed up to look like Dolly Parton and she had this beautiful full head of blonde hair and had big breasts and wore a tight blouse and tight blue jeans ( I looked this good also, at that time .... but, I was nice and I was so...so... so naive!).  She pranced and she flirted with my ex-husband and she did make me mad.  I smiled the whole time while I was waiting for the opportunity somehow to present itself for me... to get even!  Also, I wanted to pull that Dolly Parton wig off that she had on!  She kept shaking her head and making it move... to get attention... she got my attention, all right.  My attention wasn't the only attention she got.......


Well... this woman loved to drink liquor and she was an alcoholic!  It didn't take but, a short time to 'see' her colors and I 'knew'..... my time was coming... soon!  I began to smile more at her and I talked to her so softly to gain her trust and gain it, I did!!!  She liked me so much!  I didn't like her at all and I knew I was going to fix her for flirting with my husband and for what I suspected was going on under that table!!!


She got drunker and drunker sitting there playing cards and she said she had to go 'piss' (how crude I thought she was when she said that!).  I was thinking how beautiful this was going to work out... I was going to 'help' her get to the bathroom and there... I would see what presented itself.  I was so sweet to her and talked so soothing to her as I helped her drunk a-- get to the bathroom.


In the bathroom, she sat down on the commode and she was talking and I couldn't understand her but, I understood... she was so drunk that she wouldn't remember anything.  She was wanting to cry about something... and I put my hand on her shoulder and told her everything was going to be all right, that I was there and I'd make sure of that.  The bright idea came to me.........................................................and the next thing I know....my time had come!  I was grinning!


'Dolly Parton' had fallen off that commode into the bathtub!  I did see my finger reach out to 'touch her' and she... just fell right into that tub!  How so sorry I was!  :))))))


'Oh, oh..you poor thing!  You poor little thing, you've done gone and fell into the bathtub!'  I was saying that to her because I 'cared so much'!  I was talking so sweet to her as I helped her 'stay' in the bathtub 'just for a few minutes' telling her I would help her up!  I told her I didn't want her to bump her head on the water faucet and to let me guide her head so, she could get up and not hurt herself.  Well, I was guiding her head as I was helping her..... and 'somehow' her big, old blonde Dolly Parton wig got hung on that water faucet and.... it came off!


I said 'oh no!  your wig has come off!'  I told her that I'd help her to get it back on and 'somehow' it was on crooked and I told her to let's just put it on the counter top for the time-being because.... she looked like h------!  She had very short, thin hair and she wasn't even pretty anymore and... I loved
that!  She forgot her wig in just a few minutes.... and I was telling how good she looked and I would be so glad to help her back to the table and to come on.


I helped her as she staggered back to the table and she began drinking her liquor again... I told my ex-husband and his cousin as they stared at her, what happened.... this was a 'different woman' that came back, mind you!  'Dolly Parton' had done got lost.... in the bathtub!  I made sure of that!


I told them that that poor thing fell off that commode into the bathtub and it was hard to help her get out!  I told them that her wig got hung on the water faucet and it was damp and I had laid it out on the counter top!  It was all I could do to keep from laughing in satisfaction... I fixed her a----!  I 'knew' I would... I just had to bide my time and be... so sweet.


That night they spent the night and the next morning when she had breakfast ..she drank a half glass of liquor!  She said that's what she always had for breakfast.


Hey 'Dolly Parton'... I'm sorry you fell into the bathtub and lost your big, old wig!  I tried to help you and I 'cared' so much!  You poor... poor thing!