Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
One of my copyrights ( I wrote 3 books ... I'm not the best writer, nor the worst ... I am a writer nevertheless)
This is me ... when I wore the new face of a grieving mother ... I let myself completely go ... because I couldn't see ME anymore ... I lived in another world ... I was walking on a new road in my life ... of a grieving mother.
Another Facebook Memory for 2013 ... one of my copyrights ... and this is the face of grief when a mother loses her child ... I looked like that for over 3-4 years until I could begin finding myself in the mirror ... when I did I would constantly ... look for ME.
I began to take baby steps toward coping, finding a sort of peace inside. It took years to do this ... today makes 8 years ... I have peace in my Heart. Peace doesn't come easily to a mother who loses her only child, her child. I can only speak for myself ... if I think I grew up in Hell ... and have had 'bad' things happen in my life ... losing my son, Tommy ... in no way can be compared.
This is a pain that lives inside ... no matter what I did ... I had to live with me ... I couldn't get away from myself ... the worst pain in my life. No one could see the heavy burden of grief I carried on my shoulders ... invisible pain ... yet, I would smile at people whenever I saw them. Most never knew my son had died ... I never talked about it ... I only wrote about it. That's how private I am.
Today ... well, today I am most grateful to be this far up a Grieving Mother's Road ... I've traveled over the worst of it. This road had so many dark places in it ... more tears than one could count ... the worst pain one can imagine ... now, I'm on the road where the sun shines ... the colors are vivid, wonderful ... I can see ME in the mirror now. I don't look like that now. <3 <3 <3
I can say one has to constantly battle to reach the peace I've finally found ... it's the hardest thing I've ever looked for in my life. Life feels good now ... I have Skip and our Pups3 who have constantly been by my side.
I have all of you who have been there for me following my stories, giving me words of encouragement, making dragonflies appear in my Life ... Tommy loved dragonflies. Many told me their stories of how dragonflies touched their life once they knew Tommy loved them ... I do too.
Sometimes ... I make dragonflies from gold wire and beads ... leave them in public for someone to find, help me to remember Tommy. I don't make them for anyone ... only in this way. If I could I would make everyone dragonflies ... I'm only one of me <3
I love Facebook Memories ... I don't know about you but I can gauge how far I've come by looking at the photos.
I've survived Hell in my Life ...when Tommy died ... I never knew what Hell was until I lost my only child who meant the very world to me.
Who knows ... maybe when you read my words you might take a second look at the grieving mothers you encounter in life ... have compassion, empathy for them.
They never chose to lose their child when their child is ripped from their lives ... what does happen is their whole world has been broken into pieces ... and no one knows what goes on in their minds as they try to accept their child won't come back, say I love you, Mama ... wave at you, smile at you, tease you ... be there when no one else is, love you like you are the most special person in their lives.
I hope you aren't like one person told me not even two weeks after Tommy died ... she said, "ah-hh, you'll be alright in 2 weeks". I'll never forget that woman ... I'll never respect her like I once did. How cold, uncaring ... she'd never lost a member of her family much less her child.
I had lost all my family members I loved ... mother, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, the list goes on. That woman never knew I had been living in 'forever grief' ... someone died before I could get better from the last one. Shock after shock after shock ... plus the shocks that Life brings ... Skip in 2 bad wrecks (tractor-trailer, on his pickup ... both times women hit him) ... our home burned down, I won't keep naming all).
Do I feel sorry for ME ... no, I never have. I've met it all head-on ... let it hurt me the worst it could. I fell down a lot of times ... I kept getting back up ... some times taking longer than others. It would have been easier to stay down ... but, impossible when one has a fighting spirit like I do. I mean to live now ...
I mean to hold on to my most treasured peace inside ... and I mean to use my one word I earned as a child when I get upset (the word is ... 'damn!' :) ... I mean to live Life as long as I possibly can. I've come too far to stop now. I mean to care for Skip Bates, our Pups3 to keep them in my life 'forever'. I mean to write, draw, paint, create jewelry and whatever comes to mind for the rest of my life.
I almost didn't live after Tommy died ... I almost died. This is something I don't talk about often, something that makes people uncomfortable. I promised on my blog when I began it ... I would write about those things just as they really are ... no sugar-coating. I will continue to do so. As for talking about them to another person ... it'll be rare I do that. I'll write it all ... I can let go of the words here ... it's the only way to lessen the burden of weight grief puts on me.
When you read this far and you've wondered why I write about grief ...or anything ... you will see this is what I do. Maybe I made friends with you during the time I wasn't writing ... then out of the blue you all of a sudden see me write about death, loss of a child, loss of family. You think 'what the hell, why is she writing like this?' Now ...you know what everyone who knows me knows... this is what I do, I promised to my readers I would do.
I will always write about grief, life until my dying day. I will always tell you honestly how it feels. You can feel it ... understand it without going through it yourself. Maybe when 'it happens to you' and I promise it will ... some of my words could possibly help you at the worst time in your life. I truly hope so.
Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee <3 Photos are owned by me.
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