Nightmares ... Nightmare Month of May 2024

I woke up feeling good splashed with little bursts of happiness ... you know you've felt the same just before many good things begin happening in your life.

They don't have to be big things all the time ... just simple little things. You know a person's kind words, a smile unexpectedly ... an act of courtesy ... things that don't cost money.

Today ... I would hope for something big along with small things 🙂🙃🙂 Does that sound greedy? I hope not at all ... what I wish for has to do with all going on in my/our life since what I will always call it now ... May 2024 - The Month of Nightmares.

That's the month my son died ... Skip's birthday ... when the first nightmare happened ... such shock, and completely severing ties to toxic people. I've never regretted it not even once since ... that tells me I made a good decision. A number of years letting them just be there bothered me for so long ... I knew it was hopeless long before I did it. 

I always see, sense red flags though I never tell anyone. Why? Because I, we have to respect people are the way their life has made them ... just as I am the way my life made me. I don't have to say it in words when I know in my Heart.

We all don't have to think, feel the same ... but, we all have to respect. If you need to quit wasting years, time when things never go anywhere ... remove yourself from them and ... let them. Yes, let them. 

No matter how much love, caring your Heart feels ... they don't feel it as you do. Let go ... let them. If you don't... I promise me all you accomplish is to punish yourself. The thought came to my mind ... why do I punish myself when those people weren't ever anyone to me?

I let a number of years go by treating people how I wished someone would have treated me in that same situation. I did good ... I gave of myself real, genuine feelings, love, caring ... pure respect ... never not one word of disrespect. 

They were nice back to me ... until the ultimate nightmare was delivered ... I learned how much I cared, how much they didn't. I saved up $200.00 for a time to make Skip's birthday special in a way that meant most to him. 

I sent the money a couple months early, and was told 'we can make that happen.' I trusted ... I was very happy for Skip ... he truly needed something so special to happen in his life. He was so depressed. Oh my, the birthday present was a deliberate, most awful failure. Skip was in worse shape afterwards. My fault for trusting.

There's more but, it doesn't serve any purpose to make someone look worse ... I won't do it. I never said anything harsh, in fact ... I never said anything ... the hurt was so deep not just in my Heart but, in my pure soul. 

I did let them know what happened on this end in a nice way. What hurt me worse was the words sent to me by the mother ... the words were, "she fulfilled her promise". I never responded in any way. I turned my head ... let go.

I pick, choose my battles only ... if it is worth it. This wasn't. That's what I get for trusting people that truly were trustworthy.  Even trustworthy people do things for whatever their reasoning is.

Does this make them bad people? It really doesn't in their life ... but, in our life ... I will only say ... no one cared the way we loved, cared. They are still good people but, not to do with our life. 

They can't ever be in our life again. I made room when I never had to out of respect, love for Skip when we thought he was dying so, he could make amends that never happened. All the time I can't tell you how it bothered me knowing, seeing no matter how many photos I put on Facebook, how Skip was doing ... meant nothing. I kept in touch when I never had to ... only for Skip when I realized I wasn't anyone to them.

Skip Bates  was promised photos of grandchildren several times ... they never came. I knew in my Heart they wouldn't  ... as sick as Skip was, he believed ... when you hurt Skip ... you hurt ME worse.

I took photos of the nightmare sent in a box for Skip's birthday present. One day when I come back across them, I will simply share them here with the caption: Skip's Nightmare Birthday Present ... May 2024. I haven't looked at them since the even worst nightmare that happened after that.

THE NIGHTMARE after that ... I still don't want to talk about it ... this happened to me trying to make all better for Skip ... this happened 10 days after the Nightmare Birthday Present. 

I work so hard trying to do, get everything I can to help Skip have a good quality of life. If he wants good food, I put off things to get it for him ... I don't care how much it cost. He has been through so many life-threatening medical conditions since 2016 ... I will always know in my Heart I have done good. I am loyal, faithful to the end. 

With my own medical conditions I am his sole caregiver ... he won't go to a nursing home. I have cut my own medical help short getting back to him and our Camie Precious Camo Kissy Fairchild. They need ME ... and as long as I can be there for them ... I am.

I never leave Skip laying in a bed, or home by himself ... I keep him with me, even going to my doctor appointments. I make him stay strong enough to walk enough with his walker at home ... then, with his rollator when away from home. 

Most spouses wouldn't do as I do ... Skip is my life each day ... part of ME, both him and Camie.

Oh ... that's why I am strong today ... they in return keep me strong to keep them strong as possible. Also, the years I fought my battle with cancer ... Non-Hodgkins lymphoma ... Skip took the best possible care of me. I never forgot that. 

Not only that ... all the years of our marriage he made sure I had anything I wished for. In the year of 2016 ... our Life began changing drastically ... we had to change accordingly until ... today ... the present.

Skip kept me with him, not leaving me in bed, alone. He was always there for the many tests, surgeries. He wanted me to live.

Skip says he is only here because of ME ... I fought for him to live when he didn't know he was in the world. I was strong for him when he couldn't be. 

Many times since 2016 I almost lost Skip ... and I will tell you this though ... it sounds silly, corny ... I would look at him laying there unaware I was by his side ... (many times) I would cry, tell him to please not die ... and a little anger would come over me, I would tell him he wasn't going anywhere because I wasn't letting him. I would hold his hands, rub his head, my tears falling onto his chest. My Heart would be breaking.

I am not an angel ... I am not that special ... I'm not the nicest, best person in the world. Just know that ... I am ME ... just Gloria. I can be not nice if provoked the wrong way ... but that's not normally ME. 

If you see me being ugly you can know someone pushed me. I can also, cuss with the best of them if I loose it ... I learned that growing up as a little girl. 

I use 'cussing' and crying as my fuel/gas when I have to accomplish something so hard for me to do ... just like putting gas in the car to make it go ... only then, can I build up what strength I need from anger ... can I make hard things work (fixing, putting things together). 

I become the car ... guess what? 9 times out of 10, it works ... then, I am all smiles along with being ashamed of cussing. But, that's the price I pay for having a fighting spirit ... I'm grateful for my fighting spirit.

When I love, I love with my whole being. I love Skip, Camie with my whole life. Of course, I can count my real friends on one hand in everyday life ... possibly a finger or two on the other hand ... I truly love them, too. 

Not only that ... I truly love, care about certain Facebook Friends who have been there so long for ME, Skip. I let them know with my sincere Hearts on their posts and caring Hearts. I'm never flirting with anyone ... you can trust those hearts are real caring.

I didn't know if I would ever write again since all that has happened since Nightmare Month of May 2024. Lately ... to be truthful I have missed all of my Friends here ... I have felt the need to write again. 

I think I need both my writing  and my Friends here. All of you, writing is just as much a part of ME as breathing. That means you all are more special than you even realize. 

Skip and Camie are awake now. Time for baths, coffee, breakfast (not coffee for Camie! 🙂🙃🙂❤❤). Happy day! Someday I will write about the nightmare affecting my life to this day. I battle each day to not let it own ME. 

I mean to win this huge battle in my life ... when I get to a good place I will tell you what happened.  For now, I don't want pity, or someone feeling sorry and all those things that I never need from anyone. I will take compassion, caring, love though ... just as I feel for everyone. 

I WILL Win this battle ... the doctors tell me how well I am doing, amazing progress made since Nightmare May 2024. Most people don't, go on to worse. I am not ready to die ... when my purpose is done in this life ... I will give it some thought ... but, only a thought unless I'm too tired to go on 🙂🙃🙂❤❤

You all know my purpose in my life ... yes, you are right ... Skip and Camie.

I wanted to say to the ones I let go of ... I didn't take you off Skip's social media, or Camie's. I won't be putting posts there often, when I do it's for Skip's friends. 

I grew up in the most broken homes a child could live in with no one caring about me. I for reason learned to understand young parents make terrible mistakes ... I learned to see 'why' and such in my younger life. I made mistakes, we all make mistakes. 

I learned forgiveness though it never made my real father love me ...  his second wife prevented that. The strange thing is ... I always loved them. Water under the bridge ... I could understand that, too. He never stopped loving my mother ... he would come to see her ... not ME. Life went on ...

I say this ... growing older, bitter with hate, bad feelings will show on your face. It hardens your heart so you never see real love, caring from real people who understand  you never got to that place in life. We all move up to different planes in life to feel, do better when we come to terms with deep feelings from childhood.

All I can say is ... my love, caring was genuine and I so hoped for Skip, you would love, care for him. I didn't matter as I know I wasn't anyone to you. Only you all ... Skip was important. 

I have to say in my years of knowing you ... I have such respect, love, caring for you all. I admire how you all are family-oriented, good to your children, grandchildren.  You never knew that. 

Many times you all touched our hearts seeing what good people you are. I'm sorry you didn't see what a good man your father, grandfather grew up to be after all his mistakes in life. Many people through time could tell you how good a person he was, still is.

This is all water under that proverbial bridge ... we love, care always. We wish only good things for each of you. You are the kind of loyal families anyone would wish to have. Sadly ... for a time I truly wished that with my Heart.  Sadly, I can remember little crumbs of hope. 

Just remember Skip and I will only hold lots of love in our hearts for you. This will be the last I write on this chapter of life that affected ME ... my life profoundly.