SHE DRANK THAT MILK! REMEMBERING BACK THEN...

SHE DRANK THAT MILK! REMEMBERING BACK THEN...

December 26, 2011

I was just sitting here thinking about my cousin, Linda. She answered a question that once in a while I wondered about.

When we were little and were taken to live at Grandma Alma and George's house... life was really rough for us.

George would get very upset when he and Grandma would order milk from the milkman. The milk truck would come on certain days and the milk man would bring George and Grandma white milk and chocolate milk and juice.

I learned not to drink that milk and from that I 'learned not to see the milk' when it sat in the refrigerator. I've been like that all my life... I don't 'see milk' when I look in the refrigerator as an adult. George wanted the milk to last and to be there for Grandma Alma. She needed it.

Well, the milk would disappear from time to time and 'out of the blue'... one would hear George holler 'who in the hell drank that milk!' Of course, everyone would say they didn't, me included. I told the truth and knew someone would be lying.

I always wondered 'who really did it' and through the years I never knew.... until the other night when my cousin, Linda, called from Oregon.

We haven't seen each other since she was taken away from Grandma Alma and George's home as a very young child. Wait.. yes, we did see each other at the hospital when she and her baby, Ursula, flew from New Mexico where she lived then. Grandma Alma was dying and in a coma... Linda flew here to also, be with her.

Getting back to what I was telling you.... we got on the subject of living at Grandma Alma and George's. I told her that all these years that I didn't 'see' milk in the refrigerator and wouldn't think about drinking it unless Skip reminded me to.

She wondered why and I mentioned about how George would get so upset over the milk getting gone because somebody was always getting into i t.

'I drank that milk!' I couldn't believe my ears and I said what did you say? Linda told me that she drank that milk and she loved it. The mystery was solved ... so, unexpectedly.

Linda, you were a little rascal! I think sometimes I got into trouble and you 'might' have been the culprit!!! :))

I was shocked when you were the one who told Ray to push me into the ditch while in his wagon... that was a terrible injury to my leg! At least, I did beat you up one time! We should be 'even'. :)))

She went on to ask me if I remembered different things and I did the same.

We both spoke of how when we'd be taken away from there and at a later date to be put back at their house... every little thing we left there... would always be gone. Someone would take our things and we'd never see them again.

She mentioned her dolls and I mentioned my beautiful encyclopedias that my Grandmother Lola had gotten me for school... each book had a picture of a famous painting on the front.... one I remembered was the Mona Lisa, that I loved as a child and it stood out to me. I don't know 'why'.

They were taken by someone and never seen again. Of course, Grandma Alma couldn't walk and George couldn't see.... they wouldn't have known who got them. That was the way it was when I was little and had to go live there... I never got to keep anything..... including family members.

I learned as a small child that I couldn't have people I truly loved and things I treasured.. they'd be taken from me. The strange thing is ... it's like I was being taught at an early age how it'd be all my life... I began being strong as a little girl.... it still didn't stop it from hurting, though.

Remembering.... still hurts, too.

　

YES, I WILL COOK MY STEAK THE WAY I WANT TO!!!

YES, I WILL COOK MY STEAK THE WAY I WANT TO!!!

We buy big steaks to grill and you always

season it to the point where I can't eat it, with garlic and Montreal seasoning and ____ like that!'

'But, I'm not seasoning MY steak to suit you... I'm seasoning it the way I LIKE to eat it'.

They are grilling their steaks side by side on the grill... each having seasoned 'their own' steak ....'their own' ..way!

He puts only salt and pepper on his steak and puts it on the grill... she puts garlic and Montreal seasoning on her steak... and puts it on the grill.

They enjoy cooking steaks ... together. The air is cool and there's the smell of steak cooking in the air... their mouths are watering in anticipation of eating steak... each steak seasoned 'to their own taste'.

They bring the steaks inside to enjoy eating. Their Pups are close by ...ready to get any little tidbits fed to them!

Mmmmm-mmmmmm ... each steak is so good! MY steak is so darn good and IT IS SEASONED MY WAY! I savor each little piece of meat as I eat it... the seasoning 'perfect'.

Skip is enjoying his steak and looking forward.... to get part of mine! He wants me to season it 'for him' .... now.... 'why' would I want to season it to taste for... him?

No can do... it's my steak and I'm going to cook it the way I want to...now!

But...... you don't eat it all, Skip tells me.... and I tell him... it really doesn't matter... it's MY steak. He says but, you should season it like I do and that way.... you can give it to me to eat when you don't eat it all.

I tell him that if I don't eat all of it........ isn't the point. I have to season it for my enjoyment... just as he seasons his for his enjoyment... and with my hands up in the air... I say 'why in the world would I season mine for someone else to love... and I'm the one the steak is meant for?' I mean.... just WHY in the world would I do that?

It'd be like you cooking your special food you look very forward to it, cooked exactly the way you love it.... and then, I come along and say 'fix it my way just in case you don't eat it all'. What would you say to ...me?!!! See.... what I mean?

Oh... the Pups ...Mr. Kissy and Mr. Chadwick.... they get their share of little cut-up pieces of steak and they love it seasoned, unseasoned... it doesn't matter. See................. if Skip was like that, he could eat what I couldn't eat!

That's what happens when you don't like garlic and Montreal seasoning... I love it and I'M GOING TO SEASON MY STEAK WITH IT...... now!

Skip, you need to read this! I'm holding my ground on this! :)))) I mean it now!

I don't believe it! I just read this to Skip and he had the nerve to say.......'most men would side with him'...and I said 'just what do you mean?' Skip said 'because they would want to eat leftover steak, too'. Of course, he went on to say... it should be seasoned so the husband would like it, too!

I'm just left shaking my head...... and my mouth scrunched up.. and my eyes opening and closing, and my shoulders 'rocking'........ he still doesn't get the point.

It's my steak... it's just MY STEAK.

COVERING UP... WE ARE ALWAYS COVERING UP

I stand in front of my mirror looking at myself, getting ready to put makeup on.  I put on my foundation to 'cover' my skin so, it'll look flawless and 'perfect'.  I apply eye-shadow on my eyelids... to 'cover' them.  Next... I put lipstick on my lips to 'cover' them, to look lush and beautiful.

Looking at the rug near the table, I saw that the corner was flipped up.  I could see the edge of the worn place beneath the rug... so, I walk over and kick the corner back over it... to 'cover' up the worn place.

She was standing there talking and I could tell she was aware of a little spot on her coat.. she kept putting her hand over it all the while she talked... to 'cover' it up.

We'll just 'cover' it up .. and it'll be alright.  I'll hide it by putting this over it to 'cover' it.  Put that shirt on over the stain, that'll 'cover' the stain.

Have you ever thought about how many things we 'cover' up?  Today for some reason I began to notice things we cover up in our life.

We cover our bodies, we cover our heads, our feet, our ears, our hands.  We cover up our couches with couch covers and seats with seat covers.  Our commodes even have a cover and on that cover we put another cover.

Every hole I know of... has a cover and if it doesn't... someone is looking for something the right size to fit it.  Think about it.... every hole needs something to cover it.. if deep enough, we could fall into it!

If we say something we realize we shouldn't... we bring our hands up to cover our mouth.  If we don't want to hear something ...we cover our ears up with our hands.  If something smells you cover up your nose so, as not to smell it. 

We are always covering something up.... 'us' good people cover things up innocently.  'Those bad people' are always covering up things that can incriminate them... they aren't so innocent.

Cover up, cover up.... I was wondering if it's possible to go one day without covering something up?  I have never thought of trying before.  I think for the rest of the evening I'll try 'not' to cover something up!  I wonder how many people have stopped to think of something so, unimportant... or in alot of cases... very important. 

Whoops!  I 'almost' covered my mouth when I yawned.  This really is a ...boring subject.  Yawn..........

MY CHRISTMAS LETTER TO LENA... SHE IS IN HEAVEN ON HER CLOUD

Granny Gee  To  Lena Gunnarsson

Dear Lena,

You were in our hearts here at our home in the USA.. you have been missed so, so much more than my words will ever be able to express.

This is the first Christmas we didn't get to share our family, our lives, our wishes and all the happy goings-on.. with each other. This Christmas... I am missing two of my most loved people.... you and Tommy. You are gone now... and this Christmas I was very aware of it.... you know... that pain inside that won't leave.

Last Christmas you were here when it was my first Christmas without Tommy, my only child.. and you helped also, to help me get through it. You've been there forever for me, as I have been for you. You've been there when I almost died and was very ill, since April 19, 1999.

I will always be here for Johan. You've shared your son just as I shared my son, Tommy. I was always proud when you and Tommy communicated. He knew you so well and I can look back and 'see' that golden, bright smile like on a cloudy day when the sunshine would appear.... when I would mention something Lena said... I would see that happen... that special smile for Lena! Tommy loved you and you were his Aunt Lena.

Lena, I've realized that now, you are gone... you will not ever be forgotten by me. You were my systervan and my best systervan... you and I were so much alike in our feelings and thoughts. I realized that for 12 years ..... that I can't just quit writing now. You and I wrote every day such long emails and just carried on everyday conversations that we really were at each other's home... every day ... for all that time. I miss you, Lena... and at this very moment ..I could cry.

I am writing on my two blogs everyday and one day I hope to have a book published at least for us and my two grandchildren whom you 'knew'.. and knew the pain and happiness I went through concerning them.

My writing now is in dedication to you, Lena...and your family..Johan and Sara and Per and Eva and Elin and Eric, Emma and Tomas, Harry and Berit, and Hjordis and Roger and Anna-Lena... and to Tommy and Skip and our Pups and Ms Nancy... the very people I treasured and treasure now.. in my life. You and Tommy will never be forgotten... never-ever by me. This is my way of honoring my systervan, Lena... who was more important to me than my words ever expressed.

I miss you, Lena. Like Tommy... I have to be careful thinking too much about you both.... it hurts me to my very soul and... I have to be alright for Skip and the Pups. If I didn't have them.... I know I would drown in my own tears of such grief for my son and my systervan. Skip and our Pups and Ms Nancy are my lifesavers....like on an ocean-going yacht when it's sinking.... they are there in the sea keeping me afloat. I love you, Lena, I miss you.

I send my love to you up on your beautiful, fluffy, white cloud where you look down here at all of us... Johan told me this and I never forgot it .. both Skip and I love that thought. 

We now, think of Tommy up there on a cloud beside yours and now..and Hakan. My dear friends, you'll never be forgotten no more than I'd forget my child, Tommy. 

I'm sending lots of love from my very heart to heaven to those clouds at this very moment. Love Your Systervan, Gloria (See... how you and I always wrote? I'm still writing a long email. :)))))) As Tommy would say to be so funny..... 'that's how I roll'! :))))

THAT TURKEY IS STILL ROASTING IN THE OVEN...THE AROMA PROMISES GOOD THINGS TO COME IN THE AIR!

THAT TURKEY IS STILL ROASTING IN THE OVEN...THE AROMA PROMISES GOOD THINGS TO COME IN THE AIR!

December 25, 2011

Skip and I are watching THE SANTA CLAUSE while that turkey is still roasting in the oven. We got a late start today on cooking... but, I've already prepared the stuffing/dressing and a nice potato salad.

Skip came into the kitchen earlier and asked to taste the stuffing and said it was 'good!' He walked to the refrigerator to taste the potato salad saying he already knew that was going to be good... he thinks my potato salad is the best he's ever eaten. :)))

My childhood friend, Ms Nancy, came to visit for a little while. She brought us a special gift... some very extra-special and beautiful matching Christmas mugs... they have mistletoe on them! One can look at them and know they are just extra-special with love in them. We will begin using them tonight when we have a cup of coffee with pie.

Ms Nancy, it was so, so nice to see you. It's been a while and I realized that when we got to see you this morning! By the way, I really liked your sweatshirt with the picture of a piece of notebook paper saying 'Santa, I can explain'.... Ha! That was cute!

We are enjoying this Christmas movie! Skip said it's an excellent kid's movie. I think so, too.

Well, back to Christmas Day... here. Skip is eating potato chips while waiting for .. roast turkey, potato salad, stuffing, gravy, sweet peas, whole cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, glazed coffee-crumb cake, iced tea with lemon wedge.........................................and, and..........................

......................................

It'll be ready soon! I hope everyone has been having a wonderful day. I had several times where I was sad... especially when I was peeling the shells off the boiled eggs... Tommy always showed up at our home when I boiled eggs for a potato salad.

I did look around in the kitchen to 'see'...if somehow I could see him. On the Ghost Whisperer... it happens. I just want to make sure 'I don't miss anything by not looking'.

I could imagine Tommy standing there with his little special 'mom-smile' on his face and a soft, gentle expression in his eyes saying 'I love you, Mom'. I could never even begin to count the times he always said that to me.

I know I talk about Tommy all the time... I'm going to always speak of him... I knew my son for 40 years and he was a real person, a strong person.. and full of jokes, and laughter, and a big heart.

Turkey's done.. all golden brown! Time to make the gravy for the dressing! We really are hungry, we waited all Christmas Day for this! I hope everyone's Christmas Day evening is so nice!

SWEDEN... FLOWERS TO LENA AND HAKAN

SWEDEN... FLOWERS TO LENA AND HAKAN

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I received a email from someone who has become special to me through time in Sweden... Berit. She wrote me to tell me about Hakan's funeral just several days ago. She said that a flower was placed there along with the others for me, too. Just as was done at Lena's funeral not so long ago. This has touched my heart 'more than mere words can describe'... so, I won't try to. Sometimes 'not' trying says so much. Below is what I wrote on my Facebook page... to share with the world, my FB friends and several of my family members.

This is what I wrote:

I am so honored that just a few days ago.. a flower was placed along with the flowers from his family and loved ones... from me at Hakan's funeral.

Not so long ago... another special flower was placed on my systervan, Lena's family and loved ones' flowers at her funeral.. from me.

They were husband and wife, and my most Special friends who lived in Sweden. I have cried today because Berit wrote to tell me that 'my flower' was placed along with theirs... just as it was when Lena died. It has touched my heart ........ beyond words. I am so much more than honored.

I was never forgotten by all these special people.. I've known them, also, for 12 years through Lena. I have a special message to Lena in heaven...I have dedicated my writing to her, her family and loved ones in Sweden, and Skip and our Pups, and Tommy and Ms Nancy.

It came to me this morning and I told Skip.... for 12 years I've been 'practicing writing' ... to Lena, who read all of my colors of life... the dark ones as well as the brightest.

I send my love to you in heaven, Lena. Hakan, you were always there to 'talk' and tell Lena things to tell Skip and I. I love you my most Special friends and will miss you, always.

Johan, my heart goes out to you.. I love you too. You have lost so much in your life in such a short time. I care.

I send my love to you, Tommy, to heaven where I know you are... you and Lena and Hakan...on those special, fluffy and white clouds 'looking down at me'. (Johan, you told me that about Lena, and I never forgot it. Thank-you for that. Love, Aunt Gloria)

I am so happy about the flower for both Lena, and for Hakan. Roger and Johan, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, both.

My systervan, Lena... what can I say? You were there all of 12 years ... I have literally 'for-real'.........'practiced' writing ... when I wrote 'millions' of words to you in that period of time, just as you did me. I miss you and I never stop thinking of you. We wrote so much every day, many times in each day.. all these years and now... I can't stop writing.

Johan said he knew you were on your cloud, also.. Tommy and now, I know Hakan is, too...... looking down at me. He said he was sure of that. Each time I look up in the sky at the fluffy, white clouds... I look for all of you. I love you.

Knowing about the special flower from 'me'... means the world. Thank-you for telling me, Berit. It means more than my words can say. You helped to bring even more meaning to Christmas Day for me.

I love you, Berit and Harry, and Emma and Diego, and Tomas, and Per and Eva and Eric and Elin, Johan and Sara, Roger and Anna-Lena, and Hjordis. I know you so well ... through Lena. If all you were in a book .... you all would be my most beloved and dearest characters. You are so real to me. I'm glad that you all are still in my life. I never want to lose even one of you, my friends and really... my family.

　

HELLO CHRISTMAS DAY... I FINALLY GOT HERE

HELLO CHRISTMAS DAY... I FINALLY GOT HERE

Sunday, 25 December, 2011

I just opened the curtains to the world and I felt a smile in my heart. I've made it to this moment ... it's Christmas Day ... and I feel good inside. I'm even looking forward to Skip and I preparing the turkey and dressing and all the traditional things for our... Christmas Day meal later today.

I'm so glad to be right here... in this very moment... I made it! I'm going to be alright now. I am finally 'head-on' with Christmas Day... and I'm a winner now, I'm not going to be so sad today.. this must mean I'm getting just a little more... stronger.

The pain is there... but, I've faced it head-on and I 'wrote 500 times on the mental blackboard in my mind'.........the things that hurt me (Tommy is gone, he can't be back, it hurts... let's go forward... you have to, Skip and Kissy and Chadwick are 'here' for you). I kept repeating those words inside.... trying to take the power away.. to hurt me.

It's not as bad as I thought it would be though... like just now, I'm hearing a very powerful Christmas song in the background that swells my heart up with emotion and tears came to my eyes.... 'fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices'... the choir was singing. All I can tell myself is... life is going to be like that sometimes... let's go forward. Here I go....

I made coffee and got out the big, red coffee mugs for us to drink coffee from this morning. Skip is still in bed and so, are those spoiled pups. I got up earlier so, I could do something I've wanted to do so long... but, for some reason thought I ..couldn't. That's what I'm doing at this very moment... write.

I began November 2nd this year... and haven't stopped. I'm doing now, what I always wanted Skip and Jimmy to do.... write. I know that I'm not a 'true' writer.. I write from my very heart and in words that are only my own... not in the proper form one 'should' write in.

Skip CAN write beautifully and Jimmy is gone now... he died December 16th, last year. He could write beautifully, also. Now.. he can't, he's gone. Maybe.. Skip will be inspired to write... he enjoys reading what I write... and when I see a little smile on his face while reading.. I can't tell you how that makes me feel! I've 'touched' him in some way with what 'I had to say' while writing.

I hope my words can mean alot ..to other people. I know if I found words someone kept writing from their heart... those would be the words I would like to read. Maybe... just maybe... I could cause you to smile just a little bit or even better... make you laugh out loud... that would make me smile and laugh.

I know just lately I've been sad alot... but, I don't stay that way. Even happy people can feel so sad, sometimes. Guess what? It isn't even the 'end of the world'... no, not at all.

Now .... last year when Tommy died ... was a different 'ballgame'. It DID feel like the end of my world... and I won't lie to you.... it ALMOST was. So, I'm not going to sugar-coat anything because who knows.... someone at this very moment may be reading what I have written about losing their child... wouldn't I seem so 'flip'.. just simply saying 'it isn't even the end of the world' to them'?

I haven't found anything that I've read since Tommy's death to help me in any way... so, I quit looking. Maybe just my experience by telling it like it really has been can in some way make a little difference... somehow. It won't take their pain away... that's for sure... but, maybe 'knowing someone else has and is experiencing what they are also, experiencing in their life and is still 'going forward' from that experience'... can give them hope.

I will say this... a person reaches out as best as they can in that time of being the weakest.. for all the life-savers they can grasp hold of.. because myself.. I was AT the point of not wanting to even reach up anymore from the sea of grief I was floundering in.

No, I... WOULDN'T have reached up at all.... if you want to know the absolute truth....... if I hadn't heard Skip constantly 'in the distance' saying 'Baby Girl, are you alright' and he never stopped talking to me or 'being there'. Our pups were 'there'........... though I couldn't 'see' Skip and the Pups... they were 'there' and they kept 'pulling me back to ...here'.

I know they had a battle on their hands... I ALMOST couldn't ...hold on to them... my life-savers. Their voices and presence led me on that dark path... back to them once they lifted me from my sea of grief.

I crawled and I fought so hard to reach them through blinded eyes of tears and the weakness of my body, my soul, my heart. I've never fought so hard to come back to...life. I had died...inside. It hurts me now, to think about this.. my words in no way can describe what I came through... but, I promise I will keep on trying to tell it like it is... like it was... through time.

If you are going through something like this... don't quit... listen closely and follow your loved ones' voices when ...you can't see. They want you back... or they will have to experience what I'm experiencing and have experienced...you are experiencing or have experienced........... 'listen closely'... you don't have to see... just follow their life-saving voices and 'feel' them ...go forward to them. Even living.... we have to go forward to the light.

For now, it's time to begin Christmas Day in my life... Skip and those spoiled Pups are up now. I won't dwell now... on sadness, though there will be 'moments'.. and I'll just have to smile through my tears and 'know' everything's all right... this Christmas Day I'm with my loved ones... though one, two, three... are missing.... it's still going to be alright.

I'm going to do my part now... I'm going to help make it nice as possible... after all, as Barbara says.... (and I've always thought and said, also).......... Christmas IS a magical time. We all have to contribute to making it that... special. It's time for me to go and ... help make it wonderful today. How lucky I am to have my family... Skip and our Pups! Those spoiled pups........... :))))))

　

GLAZED COFFEE CAKE, 2 PUMPKIN PIES AND A LITTLE CHRISTMAS TREE...

Glazed Coffee Cake, 2 Pumpkin Pies and A Little Christmas Tree...

24 December, 2011

We've been gone all evening and we were talking to some very nice people and time .. flew by. We stood outside and you know how it is when you have such a rapport with people you like... a couple of hours go by quickly. We were frozen when we got into the pickup to come home.

We turned the heat up and the Christmas lights on, and the clear lights on the Ficus tree on. I, also, turned the 'fireplace' on... actually it's a stove that is electric and you can turn the fireplace on.... and it looks so real. We have the atmosphere set to watch our traditional movie we watch every year... National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

The house smells so good as Skip has just glazed the crumb coffee cake he baked. Guess what? I have 2 pumpkin pies in the oven that will soon be ready to take out to cool.

Skip has just opened the door to step outside in the cold air and he said it really smelled good outside. The people who live nearby have a wood-burning stove and the smoke smell is in the air... it smells wonderful. Walking back inside and seeing the 'fireplace burning'... the lights all around and the scent of pies baking and a cake just freshly baked.... well, it looks and smells like Christmas!

How comforting all these things are. Tomorrow morning we will get up and put the turkey in the oven to roast. I'll begin making the dressing and potato salad and later, the gravy for the dressing. We'll have peas and whole cranberry sauce and I'll make iced tea ... with lemon.  But first.... before doing all this........ we will go feed the feral cats and make sure they aren't hungry... this we do every morning faithfully.

'Now'.... I'm so glad we decided to have a Christmas Day meal... we almost didn't. We've been grieving over Tommy not being here and not seeing either Taban or McKenzie. At this very moment... I can 'see' that though we feel this way, we are going to be alright now. Before.. I was experiencing many emotions but, I think that's normal when one loses their child, in my case ..my only child, my son.

I have no way of comparing this grief to know how long or what kind of emotions one will go through when they lose their child. I don't know anyone else who has lost their child. So, all I can do is write what I have felt and feel now. Tommy went to heaven on May 29, 2010 and to this day, I am still grieving for him.. and the pain is great. Especially on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas ...it seems the pain is greater, and on the day he was born.. November 20, 1969.

I'm sure I will keep on experiencing a roller-coaster of emotions the rest of my life and feel so 'down' from time to time... I'm sure I will keep on getting back up dusting my pants off. I loved my son with my heart and when one loves someone with their very being... it's going to hurt when they ... when they ...die.

I am a fighter.. I have fought many uphill battles to reach the top and win them... I will keep on until the day I'm not here anymore. It does hurt very much to love someone to lose them one day... I know life is... that way. We can't change that... it's the way life is.... that's 'why' I always say that. Those few words 'that's the way life is'.... says it all.

What matters is how we go from each loss of a loved one... I will admit... I haven't done the best at all but, I never... stop trying to go forward. I think I'm alright... only later.. to realize 'no, I'm not'. But really.... I am alright though sometimes... I'm not. I've made it through the very worst.... to get here.. now.

I'm glad I can write about these things ...here. I could never talk about all to anyone and the 'good thing here' is... this is mine to write what I want. I can keep saying things over and over if I want to... until the power of it is taken away.. to hurt me. If anyone chooses to read all I write... that's their choice and I'm not forcing anyone to 'listen' to me. I'm honored for the people who take their time to email me and to comment...and to read and follow my blog..... it means so much to me.

Tonight... I can see that this Christmas is going to be one I can get through without anything to buffer the pain.... last Christmas, I couldn't. I can smile now, in the softest way, at this very moment and say to all of you... I wish you a very Merry Christmas with only such special happiness in each person's heart.... I'm going to be alright now. We have the glazed coffeecake and 2 pumpkin pies done now.. tomorrow ..we'll finish cooking all the traditional Christmas Day foods to complete our Christmas Day. I'll be sharing mine with Skip and Kissy and Chadwick... I have my loved ones around me. I'm happy now. :))))) This is my comfort and my joy this Christmas, 2011.  I quietly say to you all... Merry Christmas.

I DIDN'T SAVE THE WORLD AS.. I MEANT TO DO

I DIDN'T SAVE THE WORLD AS .. I MEANT TO DO

24 December, 2011

Skip and I were talking this morning over pancakes that he made for us. Those pancakes were extra-good because... he made them. He put butter on each stack and drizzled syrup over them. Hot coffee topped it off.

I like not pretending to others I have more than I really have, it is so much easier.. to be just ourselves. This was our main topic this morning over those pancakes.

We talked about how through the years we've had 'alot'... and went on to 'not have alot'... all the while 'pretending' to still have it all. It was such a struggle not to show weakness to our 'friends and family'... not to let them see that we didn't have 'big' money anymore. Skip pretended longer than I did. I don't like to play games and though I have so much pride......... I don't like having to be... something that I'm not at all.

Playing The Game...... I got tired of playing the game. It was mentally exhausting to be sure to say the right things and do the right things. It was awful to have to have people come so close to 'knowing... hey! Skip and Gloria aren't as well off as they make us think! or.... hey! They aren't at all what I thought they were! Yay-yy.. They aren't so this or that...anymore!'

I personally know alot of people 'in the same boat' now, and they are still .... pretending and going through the agony and grief we went through.... not being as comfortable in life as we once were, having beautiful clothes, driving beautiful vehicles, having all of our medical, dental, life insurances, 401Ks and beautiful homes... and pretending to still 'have it all'. They will play it out until they can't... anymore.

Some time ago, we quit ..pretending. Our life felt better though, of course... even not pretending didn't take away how we miss what we'd become accustomed to in life, how people treated us when they thought we were wealthy and healthy.... as people will do to 'rich people'... they licked our a____s. You know it's true.... either you are still rich or in the same situation we find ourselves in... or in the middle. You 'know' how people will do things and go out of their way... for you... hoping you will throw some extra 'bones' their way... you know how 'good' that makes you feel for those people to almost get on their knees to serve you. No matter what you needed or thought you needed... people made sure you got it.

We've been there and done that. We have lived in the best and ..had the best. We know what it's like to travel and see, enjoy things just the average person never gets to do. We loved life doing all we enjoyed doing... and along the way... truthfully, we did 'see' other people who struggled to live and to have nice things for their families, people who were homeless and hungry, we 'saw' them... and they touched our hearts.

We would stop and do things for them... and we never told others... we never bragged about what we did. You see... we 'knew how it felt' in the past to want or need things, or to wish for things and how it feels to pray for a miracle.

I knew how it felt to 'want, need, and yearn for things I needed or wished to have to put a little more stuffing into my life ... to buffer me from the pains of not-having, mean people, and the things life throws at one'.

We have given cars, new tires, gas, motel rooms, lots of food, clothes, coats through the years........... the list could go on and on. The point is.... it doesn't matter what we gave..... the point is that we did keep giving all along.

I believe that even now.. we don't have 'the most' anymore.... because we gave 'when we did'............ that though life is harder... it's not 'as hard' ... because we cared at a time when ... most people wouldn't when the world is going their way.

Sometimes, I stop and look at different people and I really 'see' them..... and I 'know' them for the 'real' people they are. I have studied people since being a little girl just to survive and to .. escape them from hurting me.

I 'know' ...women...... my world as a little girl was ruled by 'strong-ass women' and... they could be ruthless as well... be so kind and loving and caring... their problem was... when things weren't going their way... they 'knew' how to jerk all that out from under a person.. to hurt them.

I pay attention to people who still have alot... and how they take for granted that 'they could never-ever not have it'... and probably that's true with some. They will never go without in their lives... because all has been handed to them... almost before they were born... these are the truly lucky ones. It's all there for them and there's so much that it can't possibly 'give out'.. they will never in their life have to stop and learn anything... they are above all that. I've mingled with so many people like this that 'now'... I don't even bother to pretend with them... I don't even care to smile at them to give them satisfaction of being another one to 'kiss their a___'. They don't see me anyway... I'm past being a 'beautiful person/woman and having the world by the tail'.... they see a middle-age woman now.. they don't 'see me'.... now. I'm no longer important... I'm just a regular, everyday person now... but, I'm really not... though ..I am. :))))))

I don't even waste time and just go my way..I don't care if I'm not noticed. I don't care anymore about 'playing games'. A person gets tired of it all.. as they grow older to know life isn't about just that.

I will say this ... that it's a 'good thing' to have the people I just spoke of.... because they DO keep the world going in more ways than one.... so, I appreciate them just as much as I despise the games they play. We need them, they have the best that life offers, they have the best educations that benefit all of us in our many walks in life... so, I don't really hate them. They do help in their businesses, jobs and knowledge and in more ways than I can name... help to make life possible for everyone else.

It's sort of like prostitutes.... I know you really want to know what I mean when I say that... I'll tell you. You have people ..male or female alike.. who go out and they use the services of a prostitute... and not all these people are 'good' people... there are 'bad' people who can't control their urges if they don't get what 'they have to have'. If they get a prostitute to satisfy those urges... then, maybe they aren't dangerous to anyone ...anymore... whereas, if they didn't have that 'outlet'... they might go on to rape and murder to get their needs met.

This is strictly one of my 'Gloria' opinions.. and people who know me... know I have alot of opinions... that's life. My point here ...is... that if the truth be known....... (my opinion, my thoughts and I ..don't apologize).... we NEED prostitutes... their services are needed also, in their own way.

Why do you think they've been around thousands of years. I don't pretend to be so knowledgeable but, I've watched and listened through the years and I've talked to prostitutes and even liked some.. it's like a 'scratch my back and I'll scratch your back'...sort of thing. I've walked in alot of 'life's paths' ... down farther in some and just a little ways to 'know'... about things I was curious about. I've 'touched alot of lives' that weren't like mine... just to 'see and know'......

On this subject before I leave it... I have many ways just as I do about 'everything'... to look at any one thing.... because in my mind as I mentally walk around a thought... I'm studying it and 'feeling' it and constantly forming opinions about it. I admit when I'm wrong... I also, keep in mind that because someone would think it wrong... doesn't always mean.... I have to be wrong... we could both be right..... or we both could be wrong... or I could be right... or they could be wrong.. or I could be wrong..and they be ..right. Life is like that... sometimes it neither right or wrong.. it 'just is'... no more, no less.

I have watched and sadly, I see people...... (we all have to grow up one day and we all have to learn.... we are all.. in various stages of life to learn the lessons it teaches us).... who have nothing... all of a sudden get just a little more than they ever had... suddenly get on a power kick and begin to act in a way they normally wouldn't. They could get a promotion and all of a sudden the office has a holy terror in charge who stands in front of them saying 'it's my way, or the highway'. People like this... who have had nothing... finally get wonderful things in their life... and they think they are supposed to act.. that way. We never were like that, I can 'look back' and know that... and 'seeing' what we did along our path... I feel good and wouldn't take a thing back.

Getting back to not pretending to be other than what one is, does hurt sometimes. It's because it doesn't take alot to happen to let others know that you 'need', too. After all, one does have pride and they are used to giving... and not asking for things they need or want. It's good in the way that you don't have to do the many things one would have to do to keep up the appearance of 'having so much'.... it's sad in the way that no longer do you have the extra in life.... that to us meant we could do things for others, also.

We find joy in making good things happen to others as well as for ourselves. We are like that and though, we don't have 'the most' now... we still do. We 'know' how it feels to want and to wish.. and not have and we find ourselves at this late day in our life to coming 'full circle'............ almost to being like that again. But.. we still never forget to... give. I firmly believe that in this world one has to do that... because things have a way of coming back to one. I would like for it to all be ...good. Skip feels the same way I do.

To be real.... I love people though.. I have to keep them at a distance... I 'listen' and I 'care' and I 'see'... I am always sensing people around me or in a letter because I simply 'care'. I may be quiet and not even noticed... but, I'm 'there'... and I care.

I cry for strangers, I cry for animals who lay along side our highways, I cry for the unfairness in this world, and the abuse others inflict on their innocent victims, the horrible things men/women (don't forget about those women.... they are mean, too).... the horrible things men and women do to other people.

I have to protect my heart from all the pain I 'feel inside' ..for others. I wish I could protect them.... and when I was young I knew I could... I knew when I grew up I WAS going to make a difference... a good difference in this life.

Sadly.... I'm (I hate to call myself this because I really am... but, inside 'I'm really not').......... sadly... I have become a middle-aged woman............. a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman who has not accomplished alot of .... anything. (Remember ...the more you use a word (face it head-on!).. the less power it has to hurt you anymore...... 'middle-aged woman'). Now.... I am this middle-aged woman who has not accomplished 'one damn thing'... I wanted to accomplish. 'Now'.... I've finally said it 'out loud'. I am mad about this.. and that makes this a 'regret'... one I add to my list of 'Regrets'.

I didn't 'save this world' as I meant to do. I didn't do anything at all to really stand out. When people tell me that they love something I've done or said.... I feel like an imposter.... I'm nobody or anyone special. I am 'me'.... and I haven't done anything important... I just care alot. My regret in life is that I didn't save the world nor the ones I've lost in life forever... nor my precious, golden son. I'm no one special... not at all... nor would I pretend to be. I'm tired of pretending to be... what I never was and what I'd never be... only once in a while do I 'pretend'! It's when it's needed... after all... life is like that! Sometimes it's needed .. even just for a little while... to Play The Game of Life.

Oh.... I'm not dead yet.... I might could 'save the world'... yet!

　

　

THE END

THE END

...

December 23, 2011

Mr. Tony... was a nice looking man who kept his body in tip-top shape. He owned a trucking company and his wife was a school teacher. His niece worked in his office as his secretary.

His wife was a very, very nice lady with a wonderful smile and beautiful, white teeth. She was slightly overweight and it didn't matter... she was very pretty. I really liked her, she seemed to be a very warm and caring person.

Mr. Tony, on the other hand... didn't know how to speak to a woman and look into her face. I think maybe it was arrogance on his part.. he seemed focused on 'himself'. He was in his forties and still 'full of himself'... and in the end... it got him.

This particular trip, Mr. Tony met up with a younger woman whom he was attracted to, and went to 'work'. They went to a motel where prior to getting there ...he took his viagra so, he could enjoy..... his job.

A little later... the young woman had to call 911 because Mr. Tony collapsed on the job....... and seemed to be ....dead. He had collapsed with a heart attack ....

I always felt so bad for his beautiful wife and my heart felt for her. She married an arrogant, self-indulgent man who ... liked to work hard.

Yes, Mr. Tony worked so hard ... that it killed him ..in The End.