AS A MOTHER...

AS A MOTHER......

I am sitting here in such thought... this month of May is when Tommy died... I can't forget that no more than I can quit breathing to live. I so, wish I was perfect and didn't feel mean and hateful feelings ... ever. I'm so sorry that I feel such emotions... I wish I could turn them off.

When I 'really think deeply'.... 'no, I don't hate you who 'were closest' to Tommy. I do still get angry though... think about it... you have children and you get angry when someone mistreats them, or is harsh to them... you get angry because...  being the child's mother... it's a 'mother's protective instinct'... it kicks in.

No matter that a mother's child ...of course, isn't at all perfect... but, neither are you, the people who have been, were in that mother's child's life. You, as a mother, are going to suffer 'just as your child suffers'.... 'a mother feels almost the same pain' as her child when he is suffering. She cries, she's sick inside when something bad happens to her child... she can't rest until her child is alright again.

All you have to do is to think about your precious children... think about how naturally angry you've been when someone in the past ever made them cry, hurt them.... as a mother you are 'ready to kick ass' (you know you are!)... you are ready to 'fight a bear'... I'm no different. When 'mothers truly love their children'... they will 'walk through hell' for them..... I was no different... it didn't matter who got mad, hated me... for being Tommy's mother.  I have walked 'through hell' for him... many times.

Some mothers make a scene, some scream and cry, some act very ugly.... I don't. I stay very ...quiet, and I watch, listen, and even care.... even love... while I think about things, even while I'm .... very angry. I don't make a scene, nor do I scream, cry and act ugly... 'but, you know I'm there'. I just continue to act very nice... the nicer, the more angry and upset I am/was... when you hurt my child.

See... not only 'as Tommy's mother'... and battling the grief in my heart... I have to 'battle my thoughts, feelings' of... 'you' all... who hurt my son's heart. I will win it because, truly I am a good person .... a good person who has held some most terrible feelings, anger toward... you. 'You' being ... the ones who come here to read, hoping to gain attention in your personal life to get sympathy, pity, whatever the 'reward' is... 'you' ...being just curious, wondering what I'm writing and if I'll mention you by name... I won't.

That's because... I don't have to... 'you' know who you are. I am writing about 'my life'... and 'if you were in it to cause me grief, happiness, upset, treated me wrong, treated me good, hurt me'... I will write about it not to hurt 'you', but, to tell my story of my life.

I will say in all fairness that 'we all have as younger people looked bad, acted bad, did bad things at one time or other'... but... it helped to shape us into 'good' people we are today. I will say this, too..... when 'you are already a pretty good person' which 'I know 'you' all ...are ...that I'm writing about at this moment'.... as you get older you will 'see and understand' better... you appeared to be 'bad' when you really didn't want to.... didn't mean to.... but, that's where you were at that point in life... time brings us forward... to be either be for-real 'good'.... or for-real 'bad'..... in my mind, I 'know you all'... are for-real 'good'... to begin with.

Sometimes... you 'act bad' to prove love, loyalty ...to the ones in your life... younger people tend to do this to 'prove their love'. What's sad though... is when you are older, you will see 'what a waste of time'.... 'love isn't really supposed to be like that'... especially when 'good people who only want the best for you, your children... who love you... if need be... would 'walk through hell for you and your children'... just as they would for their own child.... because they are all 'a part of each other'.

When you are older, you will see that when you really love people, you accept them as they are... and go on with life, they will accept you and go on with their life... too. Love is never stingy... it's never-ending and there's always enough to go around when...... that's all that is in your heart.

The sad thing is that 'as a mother'.... my heart that loves has alot of negative feelings to deal with, to put away... God, I wish I was perfect. I really tried to be once.... it takes a bigger person than I've ever known in my life... and I've known some big people who are truly... good. 

As a mother... I'll re-phrase this .... I 'used to be a mother'... I don't know 'what to call me now'.... really, what do you call a mother when she no longer has her child? What do you call her? You call a husband or wife who loses their spouse .... widow, widower.... what do you call a mother who no longer has her child? Think about it... I'm in confusion 'as to what I am' .... now.

As a mother 'who used to be a mother'.... of a child who died at the age of 40... just remember that no matter how old your child gets to be.... you will still feel every powerful emotion you read here. As a mother, you will feel 'so much more' than I could possibly find words for.

As a mother... who once was a mother... or whatever I am, now.... if you lose your child, only then... can you 'know'. If you haven't lost a child, read and really 'see, feel' inside yourself.... just doing that.... hurts so bad, doesn't it?

As a mother, as a 'real' person.... when I write, I feel I have to apologize for feeling 'bad' thoughts. To write to be 'real'... I have read that I need to keep writing what I feel, to not apologize as this is 'my story', I can write it as I want to.

Well, that's very true.... my 'bad self' sometimes wants to 'strike out'... to hurt people back. My 'good' self... which is so much more good than bad!..... wants to forgive, love, care and not be 'mean'. So... all I can say is... I will do the best I can ... I will still be 'real'.... and I never mean to 'hurt you all'... that used to be in my son's life. 'You'... being the ones who 'personally feel anything here... and 'know' ...... it's 'You'.

As a mother ... I will write my story without apologies, I never mean to hurt 'you all'... I really love and care about 'you all'. I'm always 'here'.... one day you will need me, I'm 'here' for 'you all'. I will say that I will apologize if I've hurt you no matter, I am hurt .... too. I apologize, I don't apologize, I apologize.... I'm just a real person.... 'you' will recognize it as.... you are a 'real' person, too.

Now... as a mother (I used to be one).... I will go on writing about my life. For a few moments... I had to stop because 'I felt' ..... I needed to write the above. For the moment... I don't know what I am.... I do know this..... I'm a 'grieving mother'... I do know that ... in 9 days is the 2nd anniversary of my son's death.... I do know that .... it just hurts worse than anything I've ever known. I just wonder this....

I wonder if I'm a typical 'grieving mother'... do mothers grieve without 'mean or bad thoughts' at all? Do mothers who lose their only child.... hurt like this? Do they feel anger sometimes? Am I the only one who is like this? How do I know... I haven't talked in depth with a 'grieving mother'.... just when I was deathly ill fighting for my life.... I had to learn how to fight on my own...my 'Gloria way'... there was no one to talk to about to 'know what to do'. I was too deathly ill to watch to know what to do.

I can only do the best I can... making mistakes all the time, but... getting back up, not giving up. The only time I couldn't get back up was when I became a 'grieving mother'... Skip had to help me up that time... I didn't have the strength or the fight anymore... I gave up for once in my life. Skip and our Pups... my lifesavers. No one else came to help me. That has been the only time I truly 'quit, gave up' in my entire life.

I have been sitting here thinking, writing.... real feelings, not the kind you expect when someone is writing to impress you with how smart, how well they write... how good they are doing in surviving the death of a child. I don't write to impress anyone... I write because... I have to.

I write real feelings... that's me, Gloria/Granny Gee. I write hoping to learn 'what I am now, without my son, my baby, my only child'. I write because this is my only outlet for 'talking' as... I can't just sit and 'talk to someone'... I don't want to hurt or make them sad, uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or ...to do.

I write what I wish I could find on the internet... I write 'how it honestly feels to be a grieving mother'. No matter how happy, colorful my life can be ..now........... being a grieving mother is just under the surface... it's always there. You won't really know it if I can possibly help it... I won't hurt or make you uncomfortable. Seeing me in public... you will most often see a genuine smile for you, a 'I'm glad to see you!' smile.

You will hear me try to make you laugh, or talk with you about lots of things... I don't think I let anyone 'see' my pain. Not everyone even knows my son is gone... there are still lots of people who don't know... I don't just tell them.... I don't want to talk about it... in person. One can read here if interested... in how I really feel, if they want to know anything. I can only mention Tommy when saying a couple of things about him... and then, I have to stop and go to something else. I can't just talk about him... in person... but, maybe sometimes ..just for a moment or two. I am knowing inside that .... I have to stop now.

Words, words .... I write. They are describing all sorts of emotion in my heart... if you read all of them... it's amazing to me. I will keep writing more words... until the day I die. I'm so thankful for this place to talk about my feelings where no one looks at me while I do.... a 'private' place though... most public to the ones who care to keep reading. I'm so amazed at the people who are traveling with me on this writing journey... have I stopped lately to say.....

I appreciate each and every one of you, you all mean the very world to me. The emails, the comments no one else ever sees or knows about... mean so much more than I can possibly say... and not only that... I welcome hearing from anyone. I'm always amazed when I look at my email and read... how special it is to hear from so many of you! I just needed to stop to tell you all.... or you would never know it.

Thank-you for being 'there' for me. Thank-you for caring about a grieving mother who can also, be happy and is going forward in a positive way. I'm doing it in my 'Gloria way'... I know I'm not perfect, and I know my writing is just 'Gloria's style' of writing... just as I have my 'Gloria's way of drawing/painting'... it's all real, and it's the best... I can do. I appreciate you all with my heart.

Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :))) You all mean the world to me... I know no words to tell you all... just how much!

A LITTLE BABY...

A LITTLE BABY...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

A little baby comes into this world

never knowing anything

A baby only knows what it's exposed to

It's like a vessel to be filled with good or bad things

A little baby never knows anything

It grows up mimicking its parents, caretakers

Every moment is spent watching, learning

The vessel is filling up with the person it becomes one day

A little baby begins to know everything

Even the things it doesn't know

You see how when it's a teenager

It doesn't listen to you, he/she know everything

It's wise to expose your baby to good things

Life things, education

It's a parent's duty to groom that baby as it grows

To be the best person it can be, one day

If a baby isn't taught anything and it has to learn

On its own as it grows, it takes valuable time trying to learn

Life's lessons while falling, getting up from mistakes

Sometimes they can't pass things they don't know to their babies

It takes time, time that is called childhood to learn these things

To carry into adulthood to pass on to their babies

So don't waste time, learn before you have children

Be ready to teach them as soon as they arrive in this world

A little baby grows into a big person

They act like an adult, making decisions on all they've learned

Inside in a little corner... they are still a baby

Or why else would it seek comfort, love, safety

Those are the most important things in life

If there's comfort, love, safety

What else would one want

Because that means... you have everything you need in this world

Somewhere inside... there's still a little... baby

　

DURING THE MONTH OF MAY...

DURING THE MONTH OF MAY...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

Since Mother's Day my colors have been not been so bright

I've been so sad thinking about Tommy, my path is alittle darker now, with less light

I knew it would happen no matter how much I tried

May is the month of tears for me, the month I've cried

The most ever in my life, millions of tears for my son

Millions of tears for my only child, my only one

I'm like two people, a happy one for your eyes

I smile for you and tell you lies

So, you think I am doing just fine

So, I don't have to answer questions all the time

Let me be sad all I want, I won't bother you

In fact... I'll be happy while you are, too

The month of May is a very sad time for me

My brother died, later my son died in this month, you see

Imagine how painful this is to lose ones who mean so much

Oh my God, a brother and a son... the pain is such

That it weighs me down so low, darkens my path

making it hard for me to smile, or to laugh

But, I will smile and laugh when you see me

I promise not to make you sad or down, you'll see

Here, where I write is my only place to tell you

About how sad I am, how I really feel.. too

You choose to read if you want to know

That way I don't push my feelings on you, so

When you read... it'll be alright

Because I'm here.. not around you in sight

For you to see me and feel you have to comfort me

Distance here is important... so, it's alright to let me be

In time, I'll be alright, in time I'll smile a real smile

For now, especially this month... I'm grieving so much for my only child

You don't have to worry, I won't bother you

Here.. where I write, you are here because you chose to

Here.. is my private place, also... public, this is where I write

Here is my place where I'm out of sight

When you come here, it's because you want to

That way I'm not pushing... myself on ... you

Just know that I'm glad you chose to be here

I'm so thankful... you all are so near

It means the world to me

I don't feel so alone, you see

With Skip, and our Pups ... and everyone

I can make it while I grieve for my ...son

I can make it while I grieve for my brother, and... son

During the month of May... for my loved ones

THAT DAY...

THAT DAY...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

That day he walked on the sand under the sky of blue, fluffy clouds all above

He walked, ran with a little blonde-headed boy he dearly loved

He looked forward to spending this time with his little boy, his precious son who

Gave him such pride and joy

He made it just in time to run, squeal, and play

He laughed, he told Taban to put his toes in the water Before he went away that day

He said he was looking forward to playing with Taban

Running, walking, squealing, playing

in the sand

He had no idea that he had to leave that day

he almost didn't go, I believe he 'knew', that's why he

changed his mind to go, he 'knew' he was going away

He barely made it in time to play with his little boy

They were watched by a group of people who watched the

big guy with joy

How special to see such a sight, a gentle giant and a little

boy before the big guy left that day in a soft, white light

A father, a son, a husband went away

when he walked into that light.... when he left... that day

That day he played the first, last time at the ocean

he almost missed it, but.. made it in time to

go into the light, to go within

But, first he had something he said he had to do, he had to play

with his precious little son before... he could leave that day

He never meant to leave the pain, grief behind him when he left

He always thought of everyone, not just himself

The day before when he said goodbye

he never knew it was the last time, and that it would make me cry

He never knew it would send me to the dark world

where all the ugliest of colors

turn and swirl

Where his mother almost had to stay

because she couldn't cope with the knowledge that

her son... left that day

Gloria, Baby Girl... please come back I heard Skip say

Pups licking my hand, made me... come back that day

Everything is going to be alright

there's sunshine on my path, now, I can see the light

Tommy, I miss you with my very heart

Skip and I never knew we'd all be apart

That evening when you called me to say,

We are here safely, Mom, I love you

Thank-God you called me before you went away...

that day

I'M NEITHER A WRITER OR POET...

I'M NEITHER A WRITER OR POET...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

As I sit here and search for the right words

to write about thoughts, things on my mind

I realize I'm neither a poet, or a writer

I am a real person with real thoughts

It doesn't matter because once my words are written

They validate my thoughts, feelings to make me real

Once you read my words, I become a writer

A poet, depending on what is read in my written words

Be it good or bad, remember my words are my own

From my heart, experiences in my Granny Gee/Gloria life

Solely mine that I write about, my thoughts, everything

I don't claim to be other than who I am

I don't try to pretend to be other than I am

My only excuse is the love for beautiful words

Even the dark words because they express

Colorful thoughts, sad thoughts, words are color

Read in colors my thoughts, feelings

All I think, feel in this life has to do with color

Without color, I am not alive, I'm not real

I become nothing, you can't see me because I'm gray

Gray to me can be both beautiful, sad

I love to wear gray and pink, gray can be elegant

Though I've said that, I know that if I see that 'soft, velvety gray'

I don't like that, to me it's reflects death close by making me afraid

I try hard to stay close to the colors of life

Especially the colors of golden yellow sunshine, blue skies

Green grass... colors that comfort, warm my heart

I'm afraid of a world where I can't see colors

I've been to the world that has no colors many times

It's a dark world you can't see anything

A scary world devoid of even dark colors, it's so dark

My soul is afraid for my life, I fight hard to come back

To my world with colors of all kinds which are my life stories

I am writing about them... I haven't begun to write yet

Though I have, this is but, a fraction

Of what the colors of my life are

Words, colors of all kinds

Words can be anything we want them to be

They can be happy, sad, mean, ugly, good

Depending on how we want to use them

I hope as I sit here and struggle writing words

That I reflect the real me inside as I do

The goodness, kindness in my heart

Though not always do I appear to be

Pain, grief stare out at you, if you didn't know it

You would think I'm nothing, I look like nothing now

I'm trying to recapture things to make me smile, laugh again

So, I can enjoy sitting here writing my words, colors of my life

The death of my son, my only child

Took so much from from me, Gloria/Granny Gee

It sucked my world of colors almost away

Now... I'm just beginning to find them again through words

Sometimes I sit here and struggle with my words

Most of the times they are overflowing out

Like water rushing from a dam, my colors want to shine

Now that I'm back from the darkest of worlds I've ever known

I'm back now, everything is going to be alright

I realize my words will reflect dark colors sometimes

As well, as my words will reflect happy, wonderful

Colors of my life...Granny Gee/Gloria... yes, that's ... me

:)))

GRANNY GEE'S COLORS TODAY ARE:

Today Granny Gee's colors are .... golden sunshine yellow
                                                        sky blue
                                                        fluffy white clouds
                                                        grass green, happy shades
                                                         'life' colors

It feels good today to feel good from ... less pain.  I know others know what I mean when coming back to what you are used to...

It affects your whole mood, life... not counting freedom from less pain!

I have smiled more at myself today... no one is around at the moment!  Just from pure relief and happiness to know how it feels to have my knee back to normal.  How silly is this?  Oh.. I keep taking sighs of ... relief... I just can't believe how quickly this happened!

It's like speeding in a car so fast (excruciating pain)........ then, sliding to an abrupt stop (to no pain)..... and looking all around at 'what just happened?'  Then... smiling in ...relief, ha! 

After that experience of not feeling what you felt... you have to keep 'testing' to see... if it's real!  It's real in my situation.  :)))

When you are 'me'... it's not silly at all.  I just choose to share it with you!  I could keep it to myself but, sometimes when we read we learn something from others.  Wouldn't I feel good inside 'if' I ever made a positive difference in someone's life... that's really the 'ultimate' in life, isn't it?

More sunshine has been put on my path... it's so bright today!  May
your day be the same!  Love, Granny Gee  :)))

IT'S NOT PAIN I'M USED TO LIVING WITH... (But, I Learned Something From It All... I Connected The Dots)...

IT'S NOT PAIN I'M USED TO LIVING WITH... (But, I Learned Something From It All... I Connected Dots)...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

I kept my appointment this morning to go have a procedure done on my left knee... on May 10 th it was thought I had a ... Baker's cyst behind my knee. I've never heard of a Baker's cyst... it can be like a 'balloon sac filled with liquid' behind the knee making walking difficult, they can get huge, they can be multiple. The orthopedic never felt anything, but, he suspects this... down deep.

I don't have a Baker's cyst, they thought there was one there though it didn't show up on an x-ray... and both appointments both doctors used a ultra-sound on it.

Today it was determined that no, I don't have one. Now... I still have this really bad pain. The positive is that the injection he gave me in my knee could help with the inflammation and... 'hopefully' make a difference in the pain.

The next positive thing is ... I go back in three weeks. I'm not alone in this thing now. Progress is being made.. slowly.. but, being made to end this 'extra' pain. Do you have any idea of how happy this makes me? No matter that I'm used to living with pain every moment of my life... I notice this pain because... 'it's extra pain, it is pain 'I'm not used to'.

The 3rd positive thing is... I have learned something that I didn't know, never heard of. That's what a Baker's cyst is, the symptoms, and treatement, so on. I know alot about one now.

The 4th positive thing is ... that not only have I learned all this... I think I have solved a mystery from years ago that affected my mother and her siblings. I talked to my cousin.. I think she agrees with me. If this is so... how so sad to have something wrong... not knowing what to do... learning to live with it ... for example... like I've learned to live with pain no one can imagine I live with.

Our mothers as they became older... stopped walking... my mom didn't know 'why'... she sat in a recliner just like my Grandma Alma, never going to see what was wrong with her knees. Just in the last days of this 'extra pain' I've been experiencing for months... I have just went to the doctor... in my older years I watch myself carefully... I don't want this to happen to me.  I saw other family members through the years do the same.  They are gone now.

I think we become to living with such, thinking there is no hope. I think my mom gave up hope.... and quit walking because of....... pain. The more she sat, the more she couldn't walk... that and the combination of medicines...

I will write about this later as while I write, I will be thinking with my fingers, writing what I feel and look back to 'connect the dots'. You know how I love to connect the dots... I love dots. I love finally seeing the big picture... I should have been a detective... but, I would have been a frustrated detective.... it takes so long to 'connect the dots'.

So, this pain isn't in vain... I've been learning about new things, and have 'discovered the answer to a mystery'... all the while I'm experiencing this 'extra' pain.

I admit, this time I've been complaining as it has been truly bad... when I say truly bad, don't forget it's a combination of the 'extra' pain on top of ... 'always' pain.

The morning after... I slept good, I woke up several times and bent my knee and I .... smiled, thanked God. I didn't feel any pain in that knee ... I was smiling when I did a little dance down the hall to go to bed last night. I stood in front of the mirror and bent my knee, amazed that I could do so.. like normal.

This is monumental, I share this experience .... I know if I were reading this and had such pain in my knee... it would prompt me in the right direction... get to the orthopedic doctor. It may be as simple as the injection which I'm sure was cortisone. I can't believe the relief as the hours went by yesterday evening!

This morning I'm left with only the pain that my body 'knows and has lived with since 2008'... I can cope with this 'always' pain. I just can't cope as well with 'extra' pain.

Silly me... a crazy thought came in my head regarding some words I read awhile ago... they made me laugh! I read on someone's comment about going to play Bingo.... and how the whole place smelled like Bengay, urine and such!  Seriously though... one never knows what another person goes through, some of them may not can help it... they may not be taken care of or have the mobility to reach 'places'...  we all joke and laugh in a 'good' way... but, when we stop to look to find out 'why'... the answers surprise us.  One day 'we could be like that'... I learned many years ago to be careful, because 'I promise you'... those thing 'do come home'.  Laughing in a light, gentle way can be alright, sometimes.

I was thinking I wouldn't be recognized as an older woman like that... I smell like White Diamonds, my hair..my skin alike. I smell good and I love it, ha! I love for the wind to blow through my hair to get to smell the beautiful scent of my perfume.   I'm older, but still very much... alive.  I love life!

Well, I think as you read this, you are reading very happy thoughts this morning... I no longer am speaking from BEHIND THE CURTAIN OF PAIN wall... the extra layer of pain/curtain that was in front of me. It does color one's words, feelings, actions in 'dark colored' pain.

This morning.... happy wonderful sunshine colors with a smile to match! These are my colors today.... sunshine yellow bright as the sun, blue skies with white fluffy clouds, lush green grass, beautiful colors of flowers, the sound of birds, chiming windchimes, my spirits soaring high.... I'm rid of the extra layer of pain! I'm giddy with happiness... can you tell!?

　

　

SOON... MOTHER'S DAY WILL BE HERE

SOON... MOTHER'S DAY WILL BE HERE



BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE



Soon... Mother's Day will be here

Most mothers will have their children near

To celebrate this special day

What about mothers whose children have gone away?



I don't think Mother's Day means me anymore

My son walked into heaven from Myrtle Beach seashore

I don't have a child now, he left that day

He'll never come back, he's gone away



Soon... Mother's Day will be here

I won't have my child while yours are near

But, my heart is happy for you

Because I remember how happy my son made me... too



In my mind, all mothers are in my prayers and heart

Praying for your children to be safe, never depart

From this world before their parents do

It's not meant for them ... to



Soon... Mother's Day will be here

Just know that I wish you happiness and cheer

For mothers without their children, know that I care

I feel your pain, I'm more than aware



Of how it feels, why you cry

We'll be all right as long as we try

To go forward in life and do good

Do all the things we know we should



Soon... Mother's Day will be here

I wish happy colors, sunshine to all you hold dear

I have my precious memories of my son

My child, my only one



Happy Mother's Day to you all, far away and near

Soon... Mother's Day will be here

Happy Mother's Day... it will soon be here

To you all, be you far away or... near



I am sad that Tommy isn't here with us

This is the second Mother's Day he's not, get through it we must

Sh-hhhh... I may cry alot of tears, but... it's going to be alright

It is love that hurts my heart... but, 'maybe Tommy is there'...

just out of sight....

 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you

From your children, your sons... and 'Gloria/Granny Gee'... too

My son went to heaven the 29th of May

He missed seeing me 2011... now 2012... on Mother's Day

It's been two years........ Mother's Day will soon be .. here

Soon your children, sons will be near

Happy Mother's Day to you

From Granny Gee, too...

SOMETIMES...

SOMETIMES...

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE

Sometimes... we take things for granted and think they are forever

We can't fathom that things, people we love could possibly go away

Not us, not ours... no, they'll always be here for us, they are our life

We have no idea how fragile life is, no matter how strong or big we are

Even the biggest of the biggest, strongest person there is in this world

Their life is as fragile as the smallest, weakest person there is

Everyone, everything has a weakness, moreso... if there is an illness

Moreso, when no one knows how sick they are, when they are 'well'

Why can't the closest people who love them, sense when things aren't well

Anger, hate makes people cruel, clouding their eyes, hardening their hearts

They scream, they curse, they yell, thinking no one will ever know how they

Treated someone else's loved ones... never knowing that they do... know

Sometimes... people try to destroy others out of jealousy, knock them down

To their level where they wallow in filth, dirt... they do this in secret

So no one else will know, to hurt someone else's loved ones and never hear

Their cries of something bad is wrong with me, help me, I'm sick

No, they don't hear because of their hardened hearts, their blinded eyes

Of anger, hate, the need to be powerful and all-knowing, wanting to make

Someone else's loved ones feel small and.. less than because they feel small

In their minds they know they aren't good enough for someone's loved ones

They aren't good enough because they are crude, uncaring but, manage to

Fool everyone with a soft voice, a sweet smile and a I'm sorry ever so often

There are people like this everywhere, sometimes we hate them when we

Love them, they who let someone's special loved ones die without caring

Sometimes... a person thinks about things such as this, things that need to be

Forgotten, but.. thoughts come back ever so often to haunt, to hurt, to anger

One has to push them back, push them back... sometimes, it's hard to let go

Sometimes when one looks back, they have to turn their head forward

To go forward, toward the light, the good things in life ... live until you die

Sometimes... one has to do this, work hard to get anger, hurt, pain out of

Their heart in order to live in a positive way, a happy way, strive for peace

Of mind, calmness in life but, sometimes... life can be sad

Sometimes... we remember when we don't want to remember, it hurts

So bad. Sometimes we feel hate, anger when we don't want to feel that way

I know ... because I feel that way.... sometimes. I don't like to harbor such

Negative feelings inside... they hurt and make one sick... sometimes

Sometimes... thinking bad thoughts make a person feel dirty, unhappy

A good person inside... will begin instantly to act, think, see postively

Go forward... don't look back. Everything is going to be all right even

Though ...sometimes.. we get lost for a little while in our minds...sometimes

Sometimes... I do think like this, now... it's time to go forward, see the the

Good things in life, be happy and know it's up to me to pull myself back up

From feeling these emotions I, and others feel from things that happen

It feels good to feel good, I'm going to now though I feel sad... sometimes

I'll put these thoughts back up in the dark corners of my mind, some of the

Power to hurt or anger me has gone... each time the pain, anger lessens

When I take them out to think about... no, these aren't my favorite thoughts

I love happy colors, sunshine... yes, I feel them brightening me up inside

The lid has been put back on that box of unhappy thoughts, I mentally pack

Them away while turning on the sunshine in my mind, how happy, bright I

Am inside now. I feel the light reflect from inside me, reflecting sunlight

Filled with love, kindness, goodness through my eyes... I love this ...

I am filled with happiness, light and sunshine now... everything is going to

Be all right though ...sometimes... I might feel sad again... I will just pull me

Back up to the light, think good things... fill my mind like filling a glass

With clear water... so, I can see my way as I travel my path in life.

Sometimes...

　

IT'S JUST... 'TOMMY SPACE'... DARE I LOOK INSIDE

IT'S JUST...'TOMMY SPACE'... DARE I LOOK INSIDE?

　

I'm afraid, but... I may do it. Only time will tell if I can go to the bottom, beginning at the top. I can't remember.... I can't remember. I ask myself 'dare I look inside'? Do I have the nerve to even open it? My stomach hurts bad, there are those familiar tears again. But... I want to do it... 'why' can't I?

Panicky feelings... my breath feels like I'm holding it... did I just feel pain in my stomach... oh, I am going to cry again... all I seem to do is... cry.

What is in there? All I see is darkness in my mind when I try to visualize ... what is in there. My head wants to hurt, I want to cry, my heart hurts. I so want to see, to feel... maybe smell something that reminds me of you, Son. I'm missing you so badly. I still see you in my mind... it's like just yesterday I saw you.

My throat hurts with a strange pain... is it from trying to hold a cry inside? I have to wipe my face again.... it's wet. My nose is stuffy again... I hate for it to be stuffy... is that a pain in my heart? I know that pain... it's love that hurts... it really hurts so bad.

I don't know what's in that contained space of your chest... that space that is approximately two feet wide, one foot tall... one foot deep... Tommy Space.... that's what I think of as... Tommy Space. That's all I have left of my son ... just a little bit of Tommy space...... just a few little things that were his. Just an elegant, upholstered/wooden burgundy chest that is 'Tommy Space'... a small space here on earth that holds the only things that I, his mother has left of him.

What is so sad... is that his mother wants to look... and a pain that is so real threatens to strike her down... if she walks to that chest to try to open it. His mother... I.... want to hold my child's things in my hands... I can't . I can't even open that chest... I might go into that dark world again... Skip's not here at the moment to help me... come back.

I long to see inside that chest... into Tommy Space. I keep thinking I could just walk to my artroom, pick it up by its handles... bring it into the living room, sit it down..... simply just open the lid... simply begin taking things out one by one........... just simply.................. I can't! I can't do it!

I am .. just simply.. sitting here crying, feeling pain in my heart thinking about it... what would happen... if I continued on... to do as I wish? I don't think I'm strong enough... yet. I thought I was so strong... it's just a simple action. Just go pick it up and bring it in here, open it and begin .... just simply taking things out. Touch them, see them, hold them to your face .... try to see, feel, smell ... try to 'find' Tommy.

It's just ... Tommy Space... I don't dare to look inside ... just yet.