I Have A Secret ... My Secret Is .....

 

Sharing from my writing site on:  myLot.com

When I went grocery shopping not long ago. I did something maybe I shouldn't have ... shouldn't have doesn't stop me if I think there's a good reason for it! Sometimes, I feel I have to justify in my mind ... sometimes, I don't.

I have my way of thinking about things just as you do. I will tell you what happened... when I tell all ... you are welcomed to voice your opinion ... of course with respect.

I walked by the meat department thinking about getting chicken ... we like chicken ... Camie, our 9 year old Pup loves it!

I always try to have portions of meat to prepare Skip's meals with. Myself ... I have a battle eating meat ... I truly wish I never grew up eating meat. I won't get into that ... I won't get on that subject with anyone. I will say I truly love animals.

Preferably I would always eat Metiterranean ... foods. I love colorful, beautiful foods ... vegetables. Mediteranean is my kind of food but, it's too expensive to buy for one person and buy foods the other likes ... Skip is like most men ... meat, potatoes.

So ... most of the time I buy food with Skip in mind. Before getting to the chicken display ... I looked at hamburger ... stew beef ... steaks. I haven't bought steaks in quite some time ... I try to get all I can from the grocery budget ... not spend a big sum on any one thing.

Well, those rib eye steaks were thick, nicely marbled ... the price was what I would pay. I had to think about it.

I continued to the chicken forgetting the steaks. I picked up several packs of chicken to put in the freezer ... some to cook, some to freeze in portions for Camie, our Pup.

I walked around picking up all I needed ... went to pay. I was putting all on the conveyer belt to be rung up. I was watching all move along on the belt to the cashier ... I saw that pack of rib eye steaks! Mmmm-mmm ... I must have justified them without realizing it.

Anyway ... I decided to cook them for a late breakfast ... I only cook once ... no more than twice daily. I don't cook big meals. I cooked them with a good steak seasoning, butter. Oh my, they looked good ... smelled good cooking.

I always leave my steak on the hot griddle until I serve Skip ... making sure everything is ready for him to eat. Once he is settled ... I make my own plate, iced tea.

All I put on my plate is steak ... when I sit down to eat I ... lack one thing to make my meal complete. My secret! I get up, go to the pantry ... I see what I need! I grab the box of Premium crackers.

I walk back, sit down at the table ... open a sleeve of crackers ... place 5 crackers beside my steak. Time to eat! My secret is ... I eat crackers with my steak!

Christmas Lights Early For Skip!

 

October 29, 2022 ... Saturday Morning 

I am sharing my story I wrote on myLot.com.

In September Skip was sitting quietly... he began to speak. I knew it was serious by the tone of his voice, he had something on his mind.

Whenever Skip does that, I listen. I know it's important. It was important and as soon as I could I acted on it.

Skip began telling me he really felt this was his last Christmas, in fact he hoped to make it to Christmas. Not because of lots of presents and such. We don't have families around us like most people do. It is sad, yes ... but, we don't dwell on it ... we try hard not to. I make it happy as I can.

No one knows just how sick Skip has been, what he has suffered. He is finally getting surgeries to remove cataracts  ... he has been legally blind for so long.  This has been on top of having another stroke,  walking with difficulty,  having a heart valve replacement.  The list goes on ...

I always focus on making a nice meal, having a cheerful Christmas tree up. We stay to ourselves with our 9 year old Pup. We watch happy Christmas movies ... we both tear up when each Christmas miracle happens for people. We love to see good things happen for others. Oh yes, we love when it happens to us too.

Skip said he very much wished to have a Christmas tree up with pretty lights ... yes, now...  would be good.

I didn't have the money just then to get him a Xmas tree with lights. I had to wait a couple of weeks. I ordered him the prettiest 4 ft. tree and ... beautiful lights! from Amazon. I put that tree up as fast as I could, turned it on for Skip! His face lit up! My Heart sang! I felt such happiness,  thankfulness ... I got Christmas lights for Skip!

This was on October 5th! I kept my promise to Skip ... I promised I would have him a beautifully lighted Christmas tree! I got Christmas lights for Skip!

This Is How I Battle Sadness, Depression, Darkness When It Threatens My Peace of Mind ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... October 29, 2010

 Shared from my writing site:  myLot.com

This Is How I Battle Sadness, Depression, and Darkness When It Threatens My Peace of Mind ...

                                                                             by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... October 29, 2010

Shootout in Henderson, NC ... a bullet hit an innocent woman. The man had scratchy fingers ... he was touching a child in an inappropriate way.

It appears to be an isolated incident. The bystander is still receiving treatment. Some students walked out of class. They need to start making progress on real issues.

UNC tested water for chemicals. Internship discovered high lead ... Cape Fear Valley Memorial is seeing 150 patients today. Health officials urge parents to take their children to their doctors to avoid lengthy

wait times. This will be the worst flu season in 13 years.

Halloween ... do the the children treat or treat tonight? I don't know. You are hearing patchy news just as I did while writing it ... trying to listen at the same time to the news on tv.

It is 6:30 am. I have been up for about an hour. I have mopped, vacuumed ... fluffed pillows, made sure all is neat ... when daylight comes ... it will find a cheerful, colorful, clean house. 

The first thing I did when I got up ... I turned on Xmas Lights For Skip! That is his happy, beautiful Christmas tree he wished for (in October 2022!). I turned on the water fountain with its 3 beautiful, lighted mosaic pots ... colorful, blinking Xmas lights, the sound of water trickling down from pot to pot.

This is my morning so far.  Skip is still asleep. Miss Camie, our 9 year old Pup, has just come into the living room. I know what she wants ... she is ready to eat her chicken.  

I always cook chicken ahead ... separate it from the bones, place portions in baggies ... then, place into one big freezer bag in the freezer. This way when we have appointments, and every morning ... I can simply take her meal out of the freezer, warm it on low in the microwave.

Chicken isn't the only food she eats. Sometimes, I give her other things when we eat vegetables, and other meats. She has her dry food ... it sits in her dry food dispenser. She can go eat it when she wants to.

This is how my morning has begun. I wonder what do you do when you first get up?

Very Important Note :  

I don't want you to think my life is perfect at all. You are seeing reflections, colors of a woman who tries to make all negative in her life good as possible. Each day I strive to make all better, I try not to fall into the trap of depression, feel sad, dwell on anything that tries to hurt my Heart.

I most of the time succeed because I AM Not letting negative rule, determine my life ... nor Skip's and Camie's life. I take good care of us ... even when times aren't the best. When I don't succeed, I make sure all is good with Skip, retire to the bedroom until I feel better.

There ... I will play on my tablet, watch the news, sit ... meditate. I dream of the good things I want in our lives to happen ... happy, good things I want to do for Skip, Camie now, in the future. I dream of a million things ... I never lost my ability to dream because anything is possible.

I choose good over bad ... each day I get up knowing in my Heart good things are going to happen just any moment. I also, wake up with gratitude, thankfulness in my Heart.

Even when not so good happens ... good counteracts it making all bittersweet. Many flavors, colors are my Life. I smile, I wouldn't have it any other way. Who wants to live in a world without colors?  

I have this wonderful feeling inside ... something extra special is going to happen today ... I am going to embrace it with my being ... we all love ... something good to happen in our life!

One More Note:

I always make sure my house is clean (we live in an older mobile home ... I clean just as I was living in a million dollar home ... sparkling, smells so good! This is important to Me ... all has to be clean, neat as possible ... colorful, cheerful ...lights ... this is what keeps sadness, depression, anything negative away. If negative happens anyway ... I can look around, think ... I'm so glad my house is clean! I can think clearly!

This is how I battle with keeping sadness, depression, darkness away in my Life. No, I don't succeed everytime ... sometimes, I lose my battle. That's when I just lay down for a time to rest my mind, soul, get up ... try again. This is ME ... Gloria.

Sometimes Being Real Feels Like This ...

 

Sometimes Being Real Feels Like This ...  by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Lately the stress I have held down for so long has been surfacing, threatening to take me down to the point of breaking down.

My chest feels tight, my breaths short, I have that feeling of just letting go, go all to pieces, fall down on the bed ... turn into a weeping crybaby.

Stress ... I have been good about keeping it pushed back. I don't usually let it get the best of me. I have been building up through time ... since Skip Bates  Skip began to get seriously ill in 2016. The truth is I have lived with such stress since May 29, 2010 when my son, my only child died.

No, the truth is ... I can't remember not being stressed. Since 1997 it began with me going on a journey to fight for my Life ... I survived non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  Then ... before I recovered years later ... Skip Bates survived colon cancer.

Just writing these words in no way even touches on all we went through to survive. We survived, didn't look back ... kept going.

During this time one family member after the other died ... some through terrible circumstances ... friends died ... our beloved dogs one by one died either by old age, cancer, snake bite. The very people I knew, loved with my Heart as a little girl... all died. No one can know the pure, raw grief unless suffering how it feels.

Skip was in a tractor-trailer wreck in New Mexico ... a Toyota car with 2 young girls hydroplaned on the wet interstate hitting Skip's steering axle. Several weeks later a woman ran a stop sign broadsided Skip's pickup when he was taking my stepfather home late one evening.

We lost everything in a house fire ... just days afterwards ...my cousin was hit head-on by a log truck.

Through time I have pushed forward, blinding ... numbing myself to the pain. I didn't sit, cry, dwell on the pain. I did carry the sick, panicky, dread ... scared feeling inside while pretending all was alright when it wasn't at all. Why would I tell anyone?

I don't need pity ... I don't need sympathy ... truthfully sometimes  ... I don't know what I need. I don't even want to talk about what hurts, bothers me ... I won't talk about it.

When writing about such ... it makes for something to write about ... this is my only outlet I allow myself to have. Like now ... hopefully I bring peace to myself for some time.

Writing is a part of ME just as drawing, reading, creating ... I write real ... I am real ... sometimes being real feels like this ... no more no less.

Photo owned by ME ... 

❤

I Wonder ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates 9-23-2022

 I Wonder ... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates (9-23-2022)

I wonder if someone who hurts us deeply when living can see, hear us when we speak of the pain? I wonder if they regret their actions, inactions?

I wonder if someone who hurts us deeply when living can see, hear us when we speak of the pain? I wonder if they regret their actions,  inactions?

I wonder if the someone tries to atone from the other side? I know I would try my best to make amends. 

I wonder if they know they are forgiven? I wonder if it even matters? I wonder if we are left with such thoughts ... do they have thoughts on the other side?

Sometimes just wondering can make one's mind tired ... enough so other thoughts take up that space. Then, perhaps for months, years ... one doesn't wonder anymore.

Note:  

We all have thoughts time to time such as this. We have a family member who has hurt us never caring while living. If they do care they never let you know.

Sometimes children come from broken homes ... no matter how they try to leave the garbage in the past some pieces manage to follow them through life. That in return makes one wonder time to time.

I speak of my father ... I can remember one time he said, "I love you". For a time those words made my Heart sing until one day the music stopped. He never said those words again to me. He didn't want conflict with his wife. Growing up I understood. Growing up ... I forgave. Growing up the more I forgave ... the more peace I had in my Heart.

We never know what a person goes through. I understand so, so, so, so, so, so-oooooooooooo 🙂🙃🙂 much now. It took being an adult many years to see. It has taken years for me to write the sad and not feel the pain.

There is one exception... when it comes to my child, Tommy. That is a forever pain ... the good thing is I can live with that pain whereas before ... I didn't think I could ... it was so much bigger than I.

Tonight it seems I am in a deep-thinking mood. Now, this is in the past to maybe think about again in a year or two. Then again ... I may not ever think about it again.🙂🙃🙂❤💛  Photos are of me as a child, owned by me.

Everything is Going to Be Alright ...

 

Dragonfly windchime ... photo owned by Me

I was sitting here thinking that I have become used to my tablet. I used to come to my desk each day, sit down, turn my computer on to write.  I looked so forward to sitting, writing.

It has been a long time since I've done that. I just simply use my tablet. I have missed using my computer ... big screen ... I can see everything I can't on the tablet, phone.  I can tell by my photos that I haven't been here for quite some time ... the dates. All my photos are on my phone, tablet. It's time to upload them on my desktop computer.

I never thought I'd see a time I would stop writing ... I did.  I think I wrote so much that I didn't have words left to write. I'm smiling here.  I was living real life ... sometimes that doesn't allow time to sit, write ... or one is mentally, physically too tired to write.  

Skip has been through so many medical issues.  I'm always very happy when it's a time like now ... we seem to be on an even keel.  Skip looks, feels much better ... making Me better.  I can feel happiness, hope once again ... I have the wonderful feeling of ... everything is going to be alright.

This is where I'm at right now ... at the 'everything's going to be alright' ... place. I like that very much.

Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... July 28, 2021

Reflections of a Woman Who is Growing Older ...

I have been helping Skip with his shower, dressing.  I am always close by ... I don't want him to fall.  Skip's balance was affected by the recent stroke.  His handwriting was also, affected.  

I am Skip's living guardian angel ... I watch over him when he's awake or when he is asleep.  He and Camie are my own little world, I have to do everything with keeping them safe, taken care of. Skip has always taken good care of me, our Pups, kept us safe. It's my turn now. 

Sometimes Skip becomes down ... because of his limitations.  He gets very sad he can't go back to driving a truck, make big money once again.  He tells me he is sorry our life has gone down since he began having strokes, heart problems. He always says he is going to get better and get back to work so, he can take good care of Camie (our Pup), and me.

I tell him I know he'll go back to work one day.  For now, he can focus on being as strong as he possibly can.  I tell him we might not have everything we were used to having ... that's okay because we have each other.  That's most important.  It could have ... not been like that at all as many medical things have happened to him ... me. I tell him to never apologize.

I don't focus on what I don't have ... I focus on each day, how I can make it better for Skip, Camie, and me. If I don't have what I need at any given moment I begin thinking about how I can improvise. If I can't improvise I let it go.  I tell myself I will just do the best I can.

I have been through too much to let everything bother me.  I can remember a time when I would be very upset because I didn't have what I used to easily go out, buy.  Now ... I just wait until I know I'll be able to get what I need.  Simple as that and ... so much less worrying.  I feel much better.

When we are younger it seems we all play the game of 'keeping up with the Jones'.  Oh my, the time we waste as young adults ... trying to be something we aren't. When I say that I can look back into my past and see how I lived in a dream world I thought was real living.  No ... I 'real-live' now, and all doesn't glitter, sparkle. I wouldn't trade my life now for it.  

We all have to come back down to earth one day ... the time I wasted doing it.  That's okay, I make up for it now. I have learned people and animals, love, forgiving, caring, giving is what Life is all about. I wish I could have slowed down as a younger woman to know what I do now.

I do a lot of reflecting now. I do a lot of wishing now.  This is what happens as one begins to grow older. All I can do now is ... to take one day at a time, make it as good as I can make it.

Written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... July 22, 2021.  Reflections of a woman who is growing older ... and trying to do it as gracefully as I possibly can. Photo is owned by me.

July 19, 2021 ... Hello ... Writing Again

I haven't been here for so long. Why? Truthfully ... I couldn't write any more ... I didn't have anything to say ... I wasn't in the mood ............ The real reason is because it was very hard for me to sit down at my computer to begin writing again. Too much on my mind. 

 For once writing couldn't help, I didn't want to write. A lot has been going on in our life. Skip's health has been very fragile ... he has had another stroke. He is doing okay now. His right leg was affected, his handwriting was affected but, he is just as sharp as a tack, mentally. He has to walk slower now. I am there to always for him to hold to me to stabilize, keep his balance. I help him every way I can. 

 Lately I've felt I wanted to begin writing again. When I wrote before I wrote pouring my Heart out in grief for the loss of my only child, Tommy. Thank God ... I have somehow found a place to be at a sort of peace where I don't sit, cry anymore. Yes, there are those times I ... sit, cry. Tommy's memory is still 'like yesterday' ... he could walk in the door at this moment and all would be like he'd never died. I've lost my mother, my brother Ricky ... they were my next closest loved ones. I grieve over them still. 

 I've lost all my family in death, in other ways ... I have Skip and Camie, they are my family. We have friends who are our family now. They have been the most caring people in the world since we were almost homeless 2 years ago. Skip's health has been critical at times ... I'm always watching over him.

Life is sad but ... it is good too. I prefer to make all positive even when it's hard to. I am that way ... I try to make all good, I try to forgive all ... why? So, I can live in peace, feel good inside. I quickly get negative people out of my life once I am sensing their negativity. One has to do that to grow older peacefully, gracefully. That ... I mean to do. 

 I know it's hard to learn to say 'no' ... hard not to be a people-pleaser, hard to do so many things we think as younger people 'we have to do so no one will think badly of us'. I'm here to tell you ... if you could learn as a young person you don't have to do all that ... you wouldn't waste all those years causing yourself grief, upset worrying about what others will think of you. Of course, I try to do all in a good, nice way but, I will say 'no' if I need to. You have to for your own mental health. 

 Most of all ... learn to forgive no matter who ... no, it isn't easy not at all. You have to if you are going to live with yourself in a peaceful way. Living with anger, hate in your Heart will make you sick, unhappy. I know. I have been angry since a little girl ... not everyone knew because I hid it with a smile, soft voice. 

 Another thing I've learned ... if you ever lend money always be prepared not to get it back. People are like that. Don't lend, give more than you can do without ... because it may never be paid back. I've learned to 'give it' in a way that one would know they never need to pay it back, it's a gift. Why?

 Because, think about it, you constantly hope, worry until someone gives you that money back. Then ... if they don't ... all sorts of emotions build up inside. It sure isn't worth what it does to you inside. If you go ahead to give without the expectation of getting it back ... your mind is always at peace concerning it. You could say they can give it back if they ever want to but, not to worry about it. 

 I was thinking about these things as I began to write so, I shared my thoughts. This is how I like to be ... at this stage in my life I don't need anything worrying, upsetting me. I have Skip's health, Camie to worry about. 

 I meant to tell you about Kissy, our beloved Rottweiler. He died on Christmas Eve 2020 ... he walked to me, laid his head on my foot, took his last breaths. He had an enlarged heart. I got him just after my son, Tommy, died ... I felt he was a link to Tommy. Kissy's death hurt me deeply. 

Through time as I write I will still share what grief feels like after 10 years when my son died. I will just share everyday life, my thoughts ... life. 

 For now, I will say I'm so glad I felt the need to write again. I love writing ... just talking. It's rare I talk with anyone other than Skip especially since the COVID Pandemic 2020-21. I will write more soon. 

Gloria Faye Brown Bates My photos are of our beloved Kissy (Rottie) ... Camie has become Pup 1 now (Catahoula).

Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... I Write My Grief October 18, 2020

Grief For Things I Have No Control Of ... October 18, 2020

I remember watching my little son riding his motorcycle up the circular driveway on our land in the mountains. He was flying! I watched him smiling ... until I looked out in the yard, saw a cinderblock laying in his path. He couldn't see it as he rode uphill. I could see it ... all of a sudden my world turned into a nightmare. My son was riding toward death and I couldn't prevent it. I remember screaming to him ... he couldn't hear me. He was in his own happy little world. I watched in horror as he flew up the driveway ... topped the hill ... hit that cinderblock. I was already running toward him. I saw him fly up in the air as he wrecked ... I ran to him crying, knowing my little boy was dead. I began smiling when he jumped up before I got to him saying, "I'm alright, Mama!" Last night with my Kissy ... I came into the living room to sit with Kissy ... he laid down beside my foot on the floor ... I knew he was too weak to get up on the loveseat/ottoman with me where he loves to lay. I placed my foot on his back gently ... he loves that. I comfort him like that when he can't lay beside me. I fell asleep, woke up ... Kissy was laying beside me ... on the loveseat/ottoman ... sleeping peacefully. I smiled, made sure he had some of my warm blanket on him. Before that ... Kissy had a hard time breathing. Before daylight this morning he had the worst time yet. All I could do was place my hand on him, gently pat him ... let him know his mommy was by his side. I notice he will stand a lot and I know it's because he can't lay down. I notice the way he holds his proud head, body ... it has become 'sad' ... he doesn't sit like he did. I'm noticing all the subtle changes in him. Something tells me ... it's time. Tomorrow I am going to have to call ... get information on how much it will cost to get Kissy the shot that will take away all his suffering. I am going to also, call Carolina Pet Cremation to find out what it will cost for cremation. Skip is upset ... we both have been grieving for what is coming. The pain is so deep, it hurts really bad. Skip wants Kissy to be cremated like Fairchild and Chadwick were. I don't know if I can raise money to have him cremated ... I am going to try to raise money to get him to the vet for the shot. I will do the best I can. I told Skip if he couldn't get Kissy cremated we could ask our friend if he will make a place for him here with a big rock. I would paint the rock for Kissy. Skip seemed satisfied when I told him that. Skip is facing heart surgery ... Tuesday we will see the surgeon. He will have a heart valve replacement. He and Kissy not being well at the same time upsets Skip Bates Skip. Both have heart conditions. I feel as if my little, precious world is spiraling out of control. Of course I don't know the future ... I would be afraid of knowing at this point. I do know my Heart is breaking over Kissy. He is having a good morning, he ate ... went outside with my help down the steps ... came back and is sleeping peacefully in front of the fan. Moments like this make me think he will be okay ... realistically ... I know better. Some people could say ... 'well, he's just a dog'. I would tell them, 'no, he isn't just a dog ... he has been my baby for 10 years ... he has so much of my love invested in him .... he is my link to Tommy ... 10 years ago Tommy and our 12 year old Rottie died within several months of each other ... oh my God, the devastation, grief. Kissy entered the picture as a 6 week old puppy. I'll never forget when we went to Wilmington, NC to pick him up. He was running around with his siblings ... he made a little growly sound that got my attention. It was too cute, precious ... I chose Kissy. He became my baby. Also ... and I know and don't know if reincarnation is possible ... but, if it was ... then Tommy came back as Kissy :) <3 :) Just a short time before Tommy died he was visiting us ... he was playing with Fairchild and Chadwick ... our dogs then. Tommy looked at me and said, 'Mom, if I died I would want to come back as yours and Skip's dog'. We never know ... strange things do happen. We enjoyed thinking Kissy could be Tommy because strange enough ... Kissy did things to remind us of Tommy. :) :) :) Of course, we knew Kissy was ... Kissy. <3 <3 <3 But ... what if? :) <3 :) This is what's on my mind this morning. I know what's coming and I am going to have to be strong no matter what. I have 2 of my most loved ones in this world not well. My Heart cries a lot lately, silently. This is another time in my Life that is critical. I can't go dig a hole to put my head in the sand ... I feel like it so, I don't have to face up. I'm not made that way ... I'm no good to my precious world like that ... I can only meet it head-on ... and again I can only do the best I can. Year 2020 ... what a year this has been for our big world, our country ... our loved ones. Millions have died from the pandemic/COVID-19. If that weren't bad enough, so many 'firsts' in our lives ... all the hurricanes, wildfires, the list goes on. Our whole world has been in a constant grief that won't go away no time soon. So ... much ... death. My Heart has felt so much from all going on ... March, April and May ... I lost my strength, sunk into an awful depression. All that was happening ... people dying ... the virus creating destruction in its path, the fear of contracting it ... Skip's health had become critical again. We had to stay inside ... Skip wasn't well ... I was alone with only my thoughts. I came out of that depression determined to not fall in it again. I'm still determined. I'm still determined ... I'm still determined. I'm no good to anyone if I'm off in a dark world somewhere trying to not feel pain. So ... I'm not running away. Just because I cry sometimes doesn't mean I'm not strong. I expect a lot more tears in my Heart.

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

October 16, 2020 ... Friday ... Skip's Upcoming Heart Surgery

After tomorrow's appointment finally to the main one Tuesday with heart surgeon. We will know what we are facing and prepare for whatever battles are ahead. We mean ... I mean to win them, face them head-on. If there's one thing I know how to do in Life ... it's to battle, I have since a little child. I might not do it gracefully, cry and 'raise hell' ... fight like hell ... but, I'm still here and oh my, the battle scars my body carries ... my mind carries. :) <3 :) I am strong when Skip isn't, I'm his strength when for a time he doesn't have his. You might see me bent down under the weight , maybe falter for a time ... you will also see me get myself right back up and keep going. :) <3 :) I think if I would have been a man I would have been 'one helluva a boxer' ... I would have fought to the end. Mentally I have been gearing up for whatever is ahead. I don't only have Skip Bates Skip to battle for ... my Kissy, also. Today he had another spell. I can be calm now as I make sure his legs, head aren't twisted unnaturally. I make sure they are stretched out like they should be. I did cry because I had the overwhelming sense today that he wouldn't be here much longer. If I ever cry it doesn't mean I'm weak at all ... it means I love, care with my very Heart. Even if I'm afraid it doesn't mean I'm weak ... it means when I fight it's going to be one helluva of a fight that I mean to win ... if I don't win it won't be for not doing my best. Am I a tough guy, cookie? No, not at all ... I don't know what I am ... whatever I am it's natural. I have my Grandma Alma to thank for my fighting spirit. She was paralyzed for 20 some years yet ... she was the strongest woman I have ever known. So ... here's to whatever happens in the future ... I'm ready to do the very best I can ... and my intent is to win Skip's battle when he doesn't feel strong enough to ... when he feels strong enough well ... it's double-strength ... we will do it together. Our life is like that and you'll hear me say it again and I will laugh inside when I say it ... because I can hear my son, Tommy when he was living and as big as life ... say these words ... 'Mama, that's the way I roll!' Well, this is ... how we roll! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Life is what it is ... and we never stop living it ... we just have to do our best. That's all I know to do. I've got 'a lot of best' left!