It Came From My Very Soul ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

(Photo/story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates)

It's been six years ... the pain is still there ... only buried deeper so that I can have a sense of peace. Holidays ... seeing families doing happy things together ... trigger the grief ... it travels from my soul into my everyday ... I cry until I feel a sense of peace again ... until next time. Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Grief during the holidays ... no matter it has been 6 years ... the pain of losing a child is still great. I experienced such grief last night ... this morning .... that almost sent me to the hospital.

At first I didn't know why my chest was hurting ... why I was beginning to be emotional. Last night I stood at the side of our bed, began crying. That's when I knew why I was getting in such bad shape. I was crying for Tommy ... my son, only child.

The pain was so deep that I could hardly come back from it. I felt such anger burning in my chest ... oh my, the pain was so great. I wanted to just scream to the universe how bad I was hurting. All was greater than me ... and it was all inside me. Nowhere to go ... I felt the wings fluttering in my stomach ... like trapped birds in a cage. It's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. The birds wanted to get out ... fly free.

I find that no matter how hard I try to make everything alright ... know all is going to be okay ... tell myself I'm at peace ... this still happens unexpectedly. My soul pure cries from the pain it feels ... pain that is so deep and quiet that I don't know it's there until like last night ... I began to feel it travel up from my soul.

All of this happened quietly ... even Skip wasn't aware of it until the pain was so severe that I cried. Finally this morning I could tell him what was wrong. I am so private, quiet about my grief ... it was hard to mention it to the very person I love most in the world. When he became alarmed, I had to tell him that I was hurting so bad. I don't like to upset Skip ... he's been through so much. I'm very strong ... sometimes ... I am weak.

I slept a lot this evening. Now, I am fine, strong once again. I have had on my mind another grieving mother whom I've grown to care about. She lost her son several months ago and she is just beginning to travel the road of grief I've been on for six years. My Heart feels for her ... breaks for her.

Grief is never-ending ... one grows stronger to cope with it. No matter how strong one gets ... sometimes the pain hurts so bad. The good thing is in my situation ... that I can be alright again. <3

The combination of grief ... and worrying about Special Pup ... got the best of me. Talking to Skip made me feel better ... he cares so much. I care so much that I normally keep things to myself. I've always promise to write about this mother's grief when it happens ... this is what just happened. I write to let others understand. Don't ever feel sorry for me ... that's not why I write.

Tomorrow is a new day ... one that I look forward to. Everything really is going to be alright. <3