I've Been Doing A Lot of Thinking ... I've Had so Much to Think About ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... 2016

I wish I could make all good ... remove all bad. I can't ... I've accepted I can only do the very best I can. By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.

I am finding out that no matter the peace I made inside to be able to live with the knowledge that my son will never come back ... even six years later ... grief will strike unexpectedly. The pain is just as great ... one wants to just fall down on the floor, cry their very Heart out. It hurts very bad. Sometimes, the pain is much greater than I am ... I can't hold it all inside. I don't want anyone to see me hurt ... I don't want to make them sad.

I have been experiencing this for the past 3 days. I made it through Thanksgiving and had no idea getting through Christmas would be any different ... the grief I've been experiencing has been just awful.

As bad as it has hurt me ... I have bounced back. I'm so thankful to be able to reach my Peace boat in an Ocean of Pure Pain, Grief. Now, I can be alright again. I can't believe how bad it was this time after six years. This is the year I've done very good.

I write this for the ones who follow me to read about grief, losing a child. For the ones who have never lost a child ... hopefully to never lose your child. This is why I began writing six years ago ... it saved my own life ... the pain was too great for me to hold inside ... thankfully I had a place to help to move the pain to ... a book, writing. In the long run ... writing helped to save my life. I promise you this mother's life was very fragile after learning her child had died. I would have never known if I died ... I became the walking dead.

I heard about Carrie Fisher's death, then her mother ... Debbie Reynolds ... dying one day later. I felt it go through me ... I understand. I've never been big fans of either person ... but, my Heart breaks for them. A daughter ... mother die within one day of each other. So sad ... I'm so sorry. I know that pure grief ... I almost didn't ... be here ... today.

I write my life as it really is. Some people might be uncomfortable reading about raw grief ... it's real life and it's there whether you have experienced it or not. Either you will know a grieving mother personally or you will experience being a grieving mother if you are a woman. I write to let others know how grief really is ... I don't sugar-coat it.

I never write to gain sympathy ... I don't write to get comments of pity. In fact ... no one has to say anything. I don't have to hear my son ... 'is in a better place' because I will quickly tell you in a nice way, "no, that's not true ... my son had plans to become a probation officer ... my son had been through a trauma ... and was just beginning to experience life again ... he was interested, happy to begin doing things again". I won't listen to that ... think about if someone told you that in such a way as to not acknowledge you just lost an important part of you ... your child. I think it disrespectful ... but ... I understand people will say that for lack of anything else to say ... they will say it because they've always been told such ... they will say it without thinking of what they say. I respect we all think differently ... that's why it's interesting to talk to one another. This is one thing I'm not going to hear if someone says it. I won't argue it ...

I'm strong as a redwood tree that has weathered many storms ... I stand strong, scarred from life's battles. I survived many very bad things in my life since a child ... I've lost all my loved ones ... I have very few family members left in this life ... my world, family consists now of Skip and our Pups, Kissy and Camie.

I could have easily let go ... died just after Tommy died. I came very close to it. I can still hear Skip's voice softly speaking to me when he watched over me, concern in his voice. I could hear him but, I couldn't come back to him. I was ... gone. I wasn't there.

For over 3 years I lived in darkness ... since ... I've only grown stronger, and stronger. Thankfully ... I've always been a positive person. I embrace the sunshine and brightness of each day now. I do admit that cloudy, gloomy days affect me in a negative way ... I'm afraid of darkness ... I don't want to be trapped in it again.

When you come here to read my Facebook page or go to my primary blog at: Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com (and my other blogs) ... I write real life ... real grief. Why? Because I know it best in my life ... I grew up knowing pain of real life. It made me a strong, positive, good person through time. I could have been an old, bitter lady at this day and time. I'm not at all ... I forgive things I never thought I could ... I'm open-minded, understand so much about us ... people ... than I ever have.

I understand, look for why people act, do the things they do. I've always studied people ... us, myself. I always pay close attention to things said ... things not said. I'm the type of person who when looking at the whole picture in front of me ... is watching in the background things no one else would notice.

I care so much about people, animals. Through time I've had to learn to put other people's situations and even animals into their place to separate them from my private life ... because I would go to pieces ... I couldn't change the bad to good.

I'm sort of in a situation now ... about Special Pup. Combined with the grief of not having my son ... and caring for Special Pup ... for the past three days ... I've been very, very sad, upset. I've had to come to terms that I will be Special Pup's guardian angel always and do the best I can to help add comfort, love to his life.

I've realized that I can't bring him home even if the man gave him to me ... we are fortunate to afford to care for our Pups. They don't go to the vet anymore so, I've had to accept ... we can't afford the expense of another pup. He would need vet care ... shots and such. He has a cough that worries me. I can only do the best I can. I love him and he's come to love me. It hurts so bad. So, you can see why I've not been the best for the past 3 days. I've had to be realistic ... and I'm still in the process of accepting I can only do so much. I also, realize that he can jump so high ... our fence wouldn't accommodate him. Also, he is a pit bull ... we have a Rottweiler, and an Australian Shepherd. I will just do the best I can.

I always wanted to 'save the world' ... I could only do good in my own little ways. As a young person I knew I was so strong, invincible ... I learned through time I had to learn to choose my battles ... that no matter how much I cared ... I couldn't save the whole world. I could only do what I could as one person ... and when every one is another person ... all in all ... we do make the world a better place. I would love to do it on a grander scale ... I can only do what I can ... do the best I can.

This is what is on my mind this morning. I've been doing so much thinking ... I've had so much to think about.

Note by this Author:  

Photo/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  These are things I've been thinking about ... battled in my mind trying to make the best decision about Special Pup.  I have such deep love for animals, people ... I suffer for it because I care so much.  Sometimes, I go to pieces ... and when that happens, I began putting all back together and can be realistic, see what I have to do.  I have to ... just be the best I can be ... each day.