I Have To Put Distance....There's A Big World Out There!

I was sitting there listening to the jokes and laughter being swapped back and forwards between people who really didn't know one another... but, they felt a rapport with each
other. I love to do that when out and sitting while waiting for the oil to be changed or...
whatever.  I love to talk to people.... real people, people I don't know, people I know.

With each person it's different... one knows exactly which colors to show to each one because that's what that person knows you by.  With a stranger ...you can show colors to them and not worry about being judged and you can be yourself alot of the times.  They are like our pets alot of times..... if you are sad when you are talking, or happy or even impatient... they understand and they don't say 'be patient!'  They just go along with you!  They accept ... you, even if you are pretty... ugly..... not dressed the best or dressed the best........or your hair looks like h___, or...or..... or... I could go on.

With people you are friends with...you try not to show that side to them because you don't want them to be unhappy and you want to uplift their spirits and ...of course, you want them to think highly of you.  You don't want to be a 'depressing friend'.  That is one of the reasons I always keep my distance to people..... I want them to always like and respect me. 

I hide my sadness and grief with a ...smile.  I'm not perfect, though...........at one period in my life I honestly tried to be perfect........ (that's a story for later.... I Tried To Be So Perfect Until.......)but, sometimes I can't hide....if the pain is 'bigger than me'........ and that means 'big pain'!  :))))))))))))))  That's when I really try to avoid people so, as not to make them feel sad or pull their spirits down.  Everyone hates to see a sad person coming....

It's an honor when a person says 'hey, I like you!'  When I do that.... and it's something I don't do lightly... I am meaning it from my heart.  I am really liking you at that moment ... and before something can make me 'not feel like that'.... I 'back off' in a quiet, gentle way.  I want to keep you as my friend! 

I have to 'put distance'.... between you and I.  Strangely enough... that's when I am liking or caring about someone the most in my life!  My only excuse is that 'it stems from my childhood'......... where one moment I was liked or even.. maybe sometimes loved and ... the next moment because of that 'weakness of me loving back'.......... it would be taken away from me......... 'destroying my whole world'.... because they knew 'where' to hurt me the most.

When any of my 'family' members wanted to hurt the other ...sadly I've been guilty of this through my growing up years........ they would go for the 'jugular vein'.  They wouldn't play around being mean to someone........or take their time punishing someone or give them time to think.......... they 'went in for the kill'.......at that very moment....completely 'disabling' the person both physically and mentally. 

They would pull the very foundation out from under a person if they could at the moment they became angry at you.  There you'd be.... not knowing what's hit you .... reeling in shock and pain in your heart and even physically..... going around in circles trying to figure out 'what just happened!'  As a child at my Grandma Alma and George's house.... I learned that too!  I learned the rough and tough ways of...life.  The strange thing was..........

I couldn't bear to hurt anyone and ...I hurt easily and I...knew how it felt.  I didn't like to see someone's face bloody or scratches on their skins or ....the horrible pain in their eyes and... the fear of 'what's going to happen now.... this is because........ the 'war' wasn't over yet!  One could 'know as sure as they were breathing.. the ultimate was.... yet to come!

In the near future... the 'victim'.... 'knew' that the worst was yet to come!  They were going to be 'black-mailed'!  Some secret that they'd shared with that particular 'family' member  when they were all 'lovey-dovey and chummy'... was coming back to ................bite them in the ass!

It might happen with a smile on the person's face who was 'delivering the death blow'.... because they got a rush, a 'high' feeling on being the victor!  There was nothing like winning the war...... you start it...I'll finish it!  That was my 'family's' ...motto.  Of course.... sometimes they'd do it.... in the nicest way possible so.... you'd never 'see them coming until...it was too late!'  My 'family' was..... good that way.  This was my world as a little girl at Grandma and George's.... it makes my stomach feel ... shaky, now. 

Sometimes, since I was the 'loose child just rolling around like a marble that someone had forgotten..just existing'.... I got the brunt of alot of anger.... because 'who is going to care and who was I going to tell'... nobody cared......... and the ones who did.......... were blind, and was paralyzed and was........
running around in their own world as a young person will do leaving their children behind to learn to survive a harsh world.... never preparing that child for such a world. 

I came from a 'cloud of cotton' to the harsh land of sharp rocks and storms and waves that constantly fought to knock me down ..to destroy me.  I survived............................. and I have the scars that no one can ever see.... the scars are there to serve to remind me if I encounter a situation as one that caused it.... I can hold my ground. 

If I survived then... I will survive now.  Though..........one time I almost didn't........... that was the evening Tommy died, my only child........... my world was hit and rocked the worst in my lifetime.  I never expected that and I ..never saw it coming.  I feel tears now and I feel that pain well up in my heart.  I've never talked about this alot..... people can't bear to listen and I've been like that, too.  It's hard to see someone's raw pain and weakness in that manner............................. really, someone does you a favor in ...not listening sometimes.  It jerks you back up off the ground in time.... strengthening you yet ..for another battle in life. 

If I were to describe the fuel that keeps me steaming along in life............... it would be anger, pain, love and the inner strength I have somehow earned from every 'war' before in my life... from a little innocent girl to being an adult now.  Oh... and let's not forget the special colors of my world..... they have saved me many times.... Skip and Tommy and our Pups being the most special of all my colors... and Taban and McKenzie... though I never see either of them.

There is truth in that saying.... I won't even attempt trying to say it word for word... I always get those old sayings backwards or something making people laugh when... I wasn't intending it that way!  You'll recognize it from what I write here...... it's something to do with strength one never knows they have.... and about God never giving one more than they can bear.................. you 'think' you can't bear something... and when the worst happens you somehow reach down to your very core, your soul................ and somehow ..you come back up over time, lots of time............ and manage to get your head above the sea of grief and pain and finally... take that deep breath of life .... and begin to ...live again!  It took me 18 months to do that when my son died..... and only.......... because I fought the hardest battle in my life to 'come back'.  I thank Skip for that.......... and I'll write about that later in.... Skip Has Saved My Life ..More Than Once.  He and our precious Pups. 

Our Pups would come and lay down beside me through that terrible time in my life and stay by my side... they knew I was hurting and they knew something no one else knew.... I could easily die myself to escape losing my son and from thinking about touching his head where I felt ...that scar from the autopsy... it kept tormenting me and ...tormenting.

I see now.. that I can at last 'say' what hurt me so greatly when Tommy died, and through time I will........... and the good thing is........... that I'm not talking to anyone close to me to sadden or depress them and hear the same old thing that honestly doesn't help when I know it's not so, and that's ....'I know how you feel'.  I don't see anywhere in their life where they lost a child of their own, or an only child who lived 40 years as a real person full of personality and loved so much his mother and Skip and was always 'there' for us, and us for him. 

I knew my child as a real person those years and ... he isn't here anymore.  When one loves someone with a fierce and protective love like a mother loves her child..............and that child is taken out of her life...........it's like taking the wind out beneath the eagle's wings.  It begins to flop and to
sink out of the air.... and hop along the ground not knowing what to do.  It can't fly again...unless that wind comes back again.  My wind has come back..... I have the strength to fly again and... again ..I'm stronger for it.  I didn't want.... to be strong that way..................I miss my son.  I was already strong enough before............

It always goes back to that saying my Grandma Alma and my mother taught me... you can say it's always in the back of my mind... especially when I meet people I really like and respect so much.  The saying is ...and you'll hear me say it over again and...as time goes by..if you study it and pay heed to it..........'Familiarity Breeds Comtempt!'............

You will see that it's really true!!!  So, no matter how much I like and love you.......... I'm keeping my distance.  I want to have friends the rest of my life... especially the ones I have now... they are for-real good people and I so, want to keep them.  I'm the best friend long-distanced.  Up close.... I'm just... overwhelmed... and have to step back so, I can....'see, hear and sense'... and appreciate
having such a friend as you.  And on some people............. where I can keep my eye on you!  :))))))))))

I have to keep my distance between you and I.... I really like you!  To like you is to..put distance between us and always when we meet.... we will laugh and smile and enjoy being such special friends and it'll always be 'new'!  We won't know everything about the other that will make us ...too familiar with each other!  We will like what we see and sense that is special that makes 'us'.................'us'!  We don't have to see any sadness or anything that causes ripples in each other's waves........... though as a real friend, through time.....once in a while we may have to ask 'can I talk to you?'  As a real friend, your answer will be 'yes, you can'.  So, though there's that distance... on my end, I'm always 'there'..and if you need me I can be 'there' for you.  I have never asked for much help in my life so, you don't have to worry about me...... I can 'hold my own ground'.  I can fight my own battles and ... I can survive... I just made it through the worst battle of my life and ...I'm still here.  I know I'm just so strong now.... at least, I think I am.  I'm battle-worn and dusty from dried tears down my face, and tired from the weight of grief that held me down... I do know that now I can begin to live now... and everything is ..going to be alright.  I believe. 

I am ...a ... low maintenance friend..... I'm a friend who never makes demands or ..gets into your private life.. a friend who is always 'there' but, sits quietly out of sight living my own private life.... I'm the best friend you'd ever have.  I've always been that kind of friend who had such respect for another woman's life, her husband and her............. unfortunately, I've only had several friends like that.  I can count them on one hand and leave a finger or two.  Anyway.. if you like me just know... if I really like you... it's my way to be friends and I only know how to be friends this way... I don't know how to be different.  I am myself.  I have to put distance between us... to be friends.  Please never take it personal... I'm afraid I've hurt people like that in the past, the recent past also.... and one person comes to mind when I just wrote this.... a very special lady I just met again for the 2nd time.... we both liked each other and 'knew deep down' that we both are special in that we sense each other has been through such battles in our life to survive............................and we have alot in common.

Her name is Brett..... and I just know she is a wonderful person who loves dogs and her family just as I do mine.  I wished to be close friends with her and talk about things we both have been through... only I can only do it at a distance.  I begin to feel afraid and shaky inside.... if I feel I get too close to another woman.  It comes from my childhood where the world 'was ruled by women, strong women'.  Skip says he thinks I hate women...you've heard me say this... I do, I don't and I do and don't...... depends! 

Brett, I hope you are reading this and know... I like you and respect you so much.  I'm here though, I don't get into your life.  I don't want to disappoint you by not being the friend who can go out and drink coffee and go to lunch... I only know how to be friends the way that I know.  I hope you will understand.  I put distance between us... only because I like you so much.  I 'know' you are a real person, a good person and just the kind of best friend I would choose.  See.... that old saying my grandma and mama used to say over and over...rings through my mind like the old black cast-iron bell my daddy.................. (yes, my daddy gave me that one thing in his life.... I'll try hard to remember anything else...if I do, I will be sure to write it)......................................................gave me.........'familiarity breeds comtempt!'  Who wants to feel that when.... they care and like and respect someone?  I don't and I... can't take that chance with people I like and love. 

So.... to like you and my special friends who already know 'I'm weird.. :))))))'........ is to put distance between us where I can be 'free' to be friends and not be overwhelmed.  I really like
and respect you all.  I even love some of you, guys.... well...........maybe love all of you because if I like... I can ..love you, too.  You become sort of like family I wish I had while trying to grow up in my................'family'.  I know several people who are related to me who goes through the same thing I do... they all fight the some of the same demons 'I knew' as a child... they were introduced to 'them', too.... well, at least ...some of them.  They didn't go on to live 'my life' and...I didn't go on to live theirs.  I know that they went on to have a good life and I'm so thankful.... they had some 'family' members who really cared about them and helped to find doors of opportunity to open for them.... they also, had the foresight to at least make their children 'aware'.......... that there's a big world out there for the taking.. where you can go out and get a wonderful college education and as a young person, if you ask for help in regards to that........once someone recognizes you want that knowledge and education with a passion... they are going to help you and open a door for you. 

There are wonderful things 'out there'......... just tell your children..let them know it exists.  I lived in a bright world ..a dark world and a bright world ... still with the darkness of not knowing those things existed when I was young.  I did finish school and went to community college but, I had to waste so many years of.......... not knowing I could go more places and continue to learn and that I could do so much!  Thank-goodness for all I learned to do on my own by...reading, listening and watching and...sensing. 

My best advice to a young parent is to..... groom your child and make them know what is in this world and at least an idea of 'how' to go about accomplish their dreams... build their foundation where it's strong and a storm can't just come along and...knock it all down.  Let them go out and do things in school and maybe work part-time when they are teenagers.......

I was never allowed to know these things only to make me never be a part of ...anything.  I learned from that ..that was just for 'other people, not me'... as a child.  I grew up knowing I was 'nobody' and everything was for 'other people' because...they were somebody.  That's all from adults who didn't tell me... there's a big world out there for you to explore and to pick and choose what you want from it...you have the power to! 

I remember the Girl Scouts and joining things at school to be part of a group.. getting my first part-time job.......... all were for other people.  My 'family' said 'no'... I wonder 'why?'  So, I never got to do anything I wanted to do as a young person......... can you imagine doing that to a child ..now?  You would break their spirit and dash their hopes and if they made it through... it'd be with the Scars Of Remembering.... that you as their parent, protector, loved one... held them back wasting so much valuable time 'not knowing' there are such things 'out there'.  And......... when they did begin to become 'aware' as they grew older... they begin to wonder 'why, why didn't you tell them?'  After all, you were supposed to want the best for them.......... well, in my situation as a child I think the attitude of my family was 'who gives a damn!'  Life is short........

Yes, life is short.......... and if all of us who are older than someone... and have experienced life in many ways don't share it with others... they will also, waste valuable time in 'not knowing'.. just trying to learn a simple thing that they ...should have known as a child.  I know, I've been there and done that.  That's how family values and traditions and wonderful things are passed on generation after generation..... but if...someone in a family breaks that link........ it's never learned.  I look back.. and I 'see' alot of broken links in my 'family'.........they didn't know how to love and show it in the right ways.. they did things the best way they knew how........or they were some of the cruelest people I've ever known.  I hope they 'just didn't know'.......... but, I think otherwise too, in all honesty.  They sure did smile alot when they got the best of someone and would dance around in glee while their 'enemy' fell to the ground in agony from the latest round of ammunition.  Smiling.... is supposed to be 'good'...........  it can also, signal danger...danger...danger.  I don't like to smile like that and... I really know how.  If I do smile like that.... someone has really done something bad to me and have been really over-the-line ugly unfairly to me..........if I begin smiling and tears come into my eyes.............. someone is going to have a bad day... and I'm going for the 'jugular' vein in the way I know how... I was taught well that as a little girl.  I just choose not to hurt other people in that fashion... I choose to wish well and forgive and go my way..........and not say hurting things or worse....

I don't want to cause grief, I know how it feels.  But... I won't allow anyone to step on me.. sometimes I will even give them 3
chances to become aware that... they really don't want to do that!  They really don't want to ...do that.  I can walk away and forgive and only wish good things for someone who does me wrong....... as long as they don't get..back in my path.  It's hard to do that a second time, a third time.  I really try to ..sometimes up to 3 times.  Thankfully as adults we don't encounter alot of things to make up feel Backed Up In A Corner... and we can sail on our own waters calmly until... another storm comes up.

I would wish in my life that I could go back to when my son was born... and be the parent I know I could be now.  I also, at that time... caused him to waste valuable time from my..... ignorance.  Yes, I have to call it ...plum damn ignorance.  I know I said an ugly word but, a good word doesn't suffice here.  It's a 'sin' for a parent, especially a mother not to know how to teach her child what it needs to...make life easier for them as they go out into the world...it's just a 'sin'.... that's my opinion, strictly. 

I believe others will agree with me.  I wasn't taught how to do anything as a 'too young mother' anyway...................how would I know to teach my child not knowing anything myself.  Shame..shame...shame.  I can say I taught him how to say 'I love you' and he always knew he was loved and he was special and he was always told 'I love you, Son'................ but, that's not enough ... a child has many needs to survive this world. 

I only 'taught him what I did know'....and that was I didn't know I was loved but, I wanted my child to know he was loved.......... I wasn't taught to say 'I love you'...I wanted my child to be able to say 'I love you' back... and he did, always.  His mother was loved very much and was special to him...always up until almost an hour...before he died.  That's my only comfort during this time.... 'I love you, Mama'.  I love you, Tommy, I miss you with such a pain in my heart.  My son was a big part of the golden sunshine in my life, my heart.  I'm sorry, Tommy, for all the things I didn't teach you and for the grief you went through in your life.  I'm sorry we didn't see that you were sick... it breaks my heart.

Anyway..... I would have taught him about there's a big world out there and he wouldn't have had to settle for....less.  I hope parents will just think about this when they read this.... I'm sure you all knew all this growing up...I didn't... but, in case.... maybe it'll give you food for thought.  Maybe you can learn if you don't know... and save them many years of wasting time when they could be doing more constructive things to make their life good.  Everyone wants their child to have a good life and to be aware... there's a big whole world out there!