Colors In My Life...

Friday, March 7, 2014

SECRETS...

SECRETS...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee as a little 3 year old girl..................................................

Secrets... more secrets. I have many secrets I will take to my grave with me. They will go up in smoke... mix with my ashes left from being cremated. You won't be able to see... know them... ever.

Some secrets can't ever be told... some can, 'now'. They can't any longer hurt anyone... the ones involved ... have died long ago. I never told the ones I can tell 'now'... I never wanted to hurt anyone... even if I thought I 'hated'... someone.

For instance, I never wanted to hurt a stepmother who hurt me when I was little... as an adult. It's strange... she set out to do her 'bad things' to me when I was 'dying, very ill with cancer'... I fought like hell to live... I made it. She did it in such a kind, sweet, caring way... fooling Skip, who didn't know her. I was too ill to realize... I could have told him.

The strange thing was... not so, long afterwards... she was diagnosed with cancer... she died. You would have thought I hated her enough to wish her dead... thought I'd taken satisfaction in her getting cancer... dying. You would have thought I'd think 'she deserved it for what she did to me'. I didn't...

You would have thought... Stupid ass 'me'... shed tears over her ass.... you wouldn't have if you knew all the things she did..... I forgave. You would have probably... danced with joy. No, I didn't. Strange enough... the people who treated me the worse as a child... I loved them. Why? Because ... they were all I knew... all I had.

The secret I kept from her...from the time I was a very little girl, through time was... my father came to see my mother through the years. I remember seeing him kissing her. My mother kissed him right back... I would peep at them. Not only I would peep... my little cousins did, also.

My father came... to see me as an adult. I never told her... nor anyone... until 'now'. It's no big deal... at one time... it could have been. Who gives a damn... 'now'? Can you imagine her ... reaction?

Secrets... this is only one of the little ones I can tell. I don't feel anything thinking about this secret... you would think I would. I ... don't.

My life is full of.... secrets. I love the word when I look at it... full of mystery, intrigue, wonder. Secrets....

I Would Have Never Known To Live...

I Would Have Never Known To Live...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.........................Summer 2013

I sit here, alone... with time on my hands. I have been thinking about many things.

I look back in my mind to when I was at Death's Door... to the evening I learned my son did, in fact... enter Death's Door. Six years in darkness... three for each time. Three seems to be my number in this life.

You see... I know darkness very well. It's like being blind... you can only see ... 'inside'. You aren't affected by what's outside your head... body. You wouldn't care... if you did. Everything is colored black. There are no colors in ... the World of Darkness.

You are on a dark path... you can't go very far. Do you know 'why'? Because... you aren't thinking about ... going anywhere. Your mind only ... exists. You don't know it... you don't know anything... if you were aware... oh my God... you couldn't cope with the pain... the knowledge.

Maybe... a thought will flit by in the darkness like a bird in the sky... but... you don't think about it. Because... in the World of Darkness ... it doesn't mean a thing. It's... nothing.

Time means... nothing. You don't think of... time. Sometimes, a little light will shine on your path of darkness... it draws your mind to it ... like a blind man who can see for a moment. It goes away... you think nothing of it.

You can hear sometimes, hear the pain in your loved one's voice, begging you to please come back to 'now'. For a moment, you try until... you remember 'why' you slipped away into the World of Darkness. Like a little rabbit who disappears back in its hole... when chased by something that scared it... you flee back... into darkness.

I vaguely remember trying to surface from the darkness I was in. My eyes had quite a time adjusting to the light surrounding me. Strange, how I lived in darkness in... the bright light. Don't you agree? Amazing...

The World of Darkness is a world where you don't feel pain... you don't feel pain... you don't hear... you have no sense of time. One day when you begin to ... come out of it ... you begin to become aware of time... oh my, what a strange feeling to find out so much 'time'... has gone by.

Three years of your life... gone. Got gone while you were in the dark world. You look in the mirror, wonder how... when... you began to ... look older. Where did your youth go?

You go into mourning once again... the death of your youth. How did it just... disappear? Couldn't it have waited for you... to come back? But... you didn't know you would ... come back....

Everytime you look in the mirror, you are looking for the familar face you once knew. You can't find it. Once in a while you might catch a glimpse of it... then, you grab a camera... try to capture 'yourself' in a photograph as proof... that 'you' once... existed.

You were 'young once'; where did you go! Chasing yourself in the mirror.... trying to catch a shadow of yourself.

You try to reach out to touch 'you'... try to ... hold onto 'you'... like reaching out for the shadow of yourself on the ground... your hands can't hold onto... anything. When you walk... you chase your shadow...

Darkness... The World of Darkness... it's unlike any world you ever known. Only people who traveled the same paths I traveled... know it; have experienced it... know.

It changes your life forever... you are never quite the same anymore. I hope you never have to live in the shadowy world of darkness. I hope you have a loved one who would never give up on you, leave you in it. I was fortunate to have Skip, my husband.

Truthfully, I would have died after my only child, my son... Tommy died... if it hadn't been for Skip. I would have never known... to live.

It's Just Extra Petting, Love... They Get!

It's Just Extra Petting, Love... They Get!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I sit here, smiling to myself. We have three Pups named Kissy Fairchild, Sweet Chadwick Elsworth, and Camie Rose. They are mine, Skip's whole world. We have no one else... now. Tommy died... he was our world.

Kissy is our spoiled three year old Rottie. Sweet Chadwick is our perfect mixture Pup; he is seven years old... and Camie is the little puppy I rescued this past summer of 2013. She is mixed Australian Shepherd. She is now, one year old.

All three of our Pups... we can't bring ourselves to just call them 'dogs'... are very loved. They are fed well, petted... talked to all the time.

When it rains like it is doing all day today... they go in and out their pet door... it doesn't matter. I trained them to be that way. They never go to the 'bathroom' in the house. No matter what the weather is like... they don't mind. They run outside.

On a rainy day... like today... they do it deliberately, I think. Run in and out... in and out. You are probably thinking, 'okay, why would they run in and out into the rain over and over'?

Because... I have a towel folded here near me at the computer. Each one will run up to me so, I can dry them off. I rub, dry, fluff them as I hold them close to me. They love... to be dried off!

If one Pup goes out, and the others don't... when the 'wet' Pup comes inside... to be dried off... the 'dry' Pups come running. I have to 'dry' them off... also. It's so precious... I love it. It's just extra love, petting they get!

You Can't Make Her Go Country, If She Doesn't Know How To!

You Can't Make Her Go Country, If She Doesn't Know How To!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

The young girl woke up to the daylight
Shining through the windows in the room
It was so cold ... she stayed in the bed she lay in

What have I done, she thought
There's no turning back now... I can't get out
Of this room I'm in... I made my bed, I have to lay in it

She felt butterflies in her stomach
She waited... waited ... waited for someone to come
Someone to come, take her away to a new life

The young girl ran away from her old life
Taking a chance on ... a new life
Not knowing what direction the wind would blow her

Would she live to regret her decision
For the moment, she didn't think that far
She just wanted someone to come get her

She wasn't used to being alone
She was afraid... she ran off to get married
Eloped... to marry a tall, handsome guy she thought she loved

In the days that followed... the young girl's eyes began to open
To see a whole new world she never knew existed
She met people like she'd never known

Saw a way of life she'd never experienced
Did grown up things for the first time
A little girl doing adult things... she wanted to be little again

She watched, listened in awe
Accents, strange people... in the countryside
She'd never been in the countryside before

There were cows to be milked
Butter to be churned
Skillet cornbread, pinto beans, chow-chow to be eaten

Yes, life was different here... she found it hard to adjust
Never did learn how to bake that damn skillet cornbread
Should have been simple to do... it wasn't to her

She loved gourmet cooking... like her mom cooked for her
Cooked some Chinese food for her new husband
What in the hell is that? He threw plate and all... out the front door

You can take the young girl out of the city
Force her to live her life differently
But... you can't make her go 'country' if she doesn't know how to!

In Any Hole...

In Any Hole...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I sit here, yawning, as I look back at this morning. My eyes are watering... I'm thinking about going back to bed! That's something I don't normally do. It's raining outside... will be all day long. I'm ... sleepy!

The Pups would love it if I went back to bed. All three of them would jump up on the bed, snuggle up to me... sleep as long as I would. When Skip is home... they snuggle up to him, also. We have ... snuggly Pups. Kissy... Chadwick... Camie.

Getting back to this morning (I just yawned again! I might just go back to bed! :)))... I came into the kitchen. I went to the counter... saw that I'd forgotten to wash the coffee pot last night. I thought... 'darn'!

I ran warm water in the red dish pan... added blue Dawn dish detergent to make it sudsy. I scrubbed the glass pot shiny-clean. I took the filter out, threw the old coffee grounds in the white trash can.

I love to feel warm, sudsy water on my hands. It's comforting, soothing... especially on cold days.

I took a pitcher of water, began pouring it into the coffee pot. I froze... cold water ran down over the countertop, down onto the cabinet doors... onto the floor. Not a little water... a lot of water!

My feet were soaked with cold water! I woke up ... I no longer felt sleepy!

What have I done, I thought! I looked to see what was wrong with that coffee pot!

I saw immediately nothing was wrong with the coffee pot... it was me! I was going to fill the coffee pot up with water ... instead of pouring water in the right hole... I had poured it through the hole where the coffee filter goes!

How in the world did I not know any better! I've been making coffee for years. Was I pouring water in just any hole, thinking it would do? I don't think I was thinking at all... I just poured the water in any hole...

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Like A Twisted, Sick... Gnarly Tree

Like A Twisted, Sick... Gnarly Tree
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/2013

Filth... a narrow path to walk on
Piles of clothes, boxes... trash
Littered both sides of the path

A coffee table piled with plates
Dried food left on each
Wet, sticky substance on the top

Garbage can overflowing, scenting
The air with rot... decay
Dirty clothes strewn through the hall

Each bedroom a disaster... a path in each
Going to a bed... no room for anything
Unless you piled it... on the piles

Open the refrigerator... the smell is bad
Things growing inside containers of food
Milk clabbered... thickened, spoiled

A little baby plays happily in the path
Where dirty shoes have walked
So beautiful in a world of ... pure ugly

A beautiful little child, so innocent
Like a bright light shining in darkness
A sin to let filth touch something so... special

My eyes have witnessed such a sight
I wasn't welcomed because I saw
I wasn't liked because I ... knew

A beautiful, little baby came into a world
Filled with such filth... to play on a dirty path
Piles of debris littered either side

The home reflected the mother's mind
Twisted, cluttered like a gnarly tree
A good person, yet... sick inside

She tried to be a good mother, person
Sometimes, she was... sometimes... she wasn't
To know her... was to love her

One could see her heart in her eyes
Forgive her for the things she did, said
Love her... even when knowing ... 'her'

She loved her baby, her little son
Would fight for him like a tiger
In the filthy world she brought him into

Everyone who knew her well
Kept her secret closely guarded
Never spoke of it... aloud

Hoping somehow she really wasn't like that
Didn't want to see that she really was
Like a twisted, sick... gnarly tree

...............................................................................................................

Note by this Author:
I once knew a person like this person the poem is about. I thought of her, today. This is what I thought about... as I thought of... her. I was seeing in my mind what I remembered seeing years ago... I wondered if she had... changed.

'Let It Go, Let It Go'...

'Let It Go, Let It Go'......
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee........ Summer of 2013

Giving your power away to someone... When you worry over something, not sure if what you are wondering is true... worrying if you made someone upset at you... not sure if you did or... not. No one lets you know either way.

You worry, and worry... and worry. Did I? Are they? Do they? Constantly, your mind dwells on these thoughts... giving the power to someone to ... control your feelings, your thoughts... making you feel awful... inside.

Now... that person has power over you to make you feel bad... or feel good. That's not a good thing. Sometimes, it takes several days... and the control they had over you... goes away.

You are okay once again. The strange thing is... they never realized they had such power over you. The good thing is... you are alright again.

I know I must have unintentionally upset someone whom I totally respect, care for. For some time... I was upset by it. The person never let me know 'yea or nay'... leaving me feeling very upset, inside.

Thankfully, time has gone by now... and I'm okay, now. I'm not upset anymore... and this won't ever bother me anymore. I made it 'past it'. Have you ever experienced such in your life? It feels awful, doesn't it?

Maybe that person didn't realize... didn't know you were upset. Maybe they would have cared very much to know if they hurt you... when you apologized... and you didn't hear from them. Maybe... maybe... maybe. You know how it is...

The sad thing is... how you hurt during the time it took to get over it. How sad when you care so much to not hurt anyone... when anyone who knows you... knows you wouldn't.

Well... all I can say now... is... life is like that, sometimes. Why can I say that... you can say that? Because, if you never meant to hurt anyone... they already know that. If they felt that way... maybe someone is looking for an excuse to not like you anymore. If so... it's like that song... 'Let It Go, Let It Go'.....

To Cut Her Own Skin Off!

To Cut Her Own Skin Off!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... Summer of 2013..........................................................

Oh my! I was watching tv this morning when I watched in shock, horror at something... someone had done. It was a young woman who did it! I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the evidence ....

When I saw what she did... I sensed she was one very angry young woman. Oh yes, she had to have been full of 'pure hot, white' anger... I 'can' ... imagine. I grew up with that kind of anger in my childhood... everyone was full of it... I call it 'Hellfire'....

I have 'Hellfire' in me... I have always controlled it... though, since I'm not perfect... I let it ... burn ... sometimes!

Anyway, back to what I was telling you. Do you know what this young lady did? She cut.... yes, she cut a large rectangle area of skin... then, she took a pair of tweezers... jerked it off!

Why did she do it? Because ... her boyfriend cheated on her! She had-had his name tattooed on her skin... she cut it off her body... in anger.

Not only did she cut her skin off with his tattooed name... she packaged it up... mailed it to her boyfriend! Now, how about that?!

I kept trying to 'sense inside' what she must have been feeling to do such a thing. The only thing I kept 'feeling' was... she must have felt Hellfire burning in her heart... to cut her own skin off!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I Am NOT Going To Stop Writing....

I Am NOT Going To Stop Writing...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Alot of you know this past week has been most stressful, overwhelming for me. I went through a lot to get my short story published (paperback book), and on Amazon Kindle.

I made mistakes and I had to correct the same one over and over...making the process longer. I stayed stressed out for the whole week. I don't get over upset ... easily.

Today, I told Skip (my precious husband)... that I was going to quit writing, never write again. He didn't say anything. All evening I did a lot of thinking...

I came to my computer tonight... and was amazed at the people who cared to write to me ... people who follow my blogs, and my Facebook. A lot of these people have published books, also. I learned that what I have been experiencing... is normal. They've been through it, also.

Not only that... so many kind words, encouragement. I want to thank all of you who cared to take time to write me. It means the world to me. Tonight... I feel like my world is okay. Everything is alright once again.

All of you who cared... even if I didn't get to thank you personally... mean the world to me. Love, Gloria

I'm Not Going To Write Anymore....

I'm Not Going To Write Anymore...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... 2013

This morning I got up still thinking about something that has bothered me since I published my book, Camie's Angel... last week.

I haven't felt happy about making several mistakes on a name in my book... it took the whole week to get it right... and wait until it was changed in my book. I kept resubmitting it... getting it back... sending it back for review over, and over... until I got the 'Congratulations' email.

I was unhappy because no matter what I did... I got it wrong... and kept on to correct it. Have you ever made such a dumb mistake?

Have you ever felt so bad about something... and the less said about it... the more hurtful it became? I'm at this stage now.

I have the option at anytime to take my books out of print... I have been considering it. I wonder if any other writer/author has come down to this level... feeling bad enough to do that... bad enough to... stop writing? To say 'to hell with it'.

I wasn't trying to get rich, writing. My books have made very little money...

I did have the satisfaction of becoming a published author... I did have the satisfaction of getting copyrights from the Library of Congress in Washington, DC... on my three books (I'll be receiving my third copyright in the next several months)... I was very happy to have accomplished that.

I have experienced unhappy feelings since last week on Camie's Angel... when I should have been very happy.

I feel I did well on my short story of Camie's rescue. I look forward to holding in my hands a printed copy of it.

I've found such pleasure in writing... I wrote my grief when I grieved over my son, Tommy. Now, I am feeling sadness from my writing. I wonder how normal that is?

I've noticed people acting different since they've learned that they've known me all this time... but, they never knew I also, write... now, they act different toward me.

I don't tell people 'everything' about me. I am private... I don't feel the need to 'glorify myself'... never. I go on to forget a lot of the time... about the good things about me.

Anyway... to make a 'long story' short... for the time-being... I'm not going to write anymore.