My Tears ... Fall Inside, Hidden From The World

My Tears ... Fall Inside, Hidden From The World
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.  This is the last photo taken of Tommy just a few hours ... before he died on May 29, 2010.  Who would have ever thought?  He died, running, playing on the beach with his little three year old son.  He got there ... just in time ... to play for a few minutes ... collapsed on the soft sand ...


　

Sometimes ... I pause, think ... I can't believe Tommy's not here, anymore. I mean, I can't believe he isn't ... here, anymore.

I picture him in my mind ... I see his bright Tommy smile ... like a happy glow around his face. Like a cartoon picture of the sunshine ... with happy sun rays around it. I draw them, sometimes.

I picture his blue-green eyes, blonde hair. I see a tall, handsome guy standing there. My son ... my son, whom I was so proud of.

I listen to his soft voice, fun laugh in my mind. He loved to joke, play pranks. He could laugh like the cowardly lion ... and I would laugh until I cried, listening to him.

Sometimes, we would begin talking, and talk about something funny ... both of us would begin laughing ... and laugh harder when we looked at each other's eyes. One of us would say something more funny, and we'd laugh more.

I loved my son. I really miss him. I don't cry now, as I once did. I do feel ... bittersweet. I do feel sadness in my heart.

How did I accept my son's death? I'm not sure when I did ... Sometimes, I do feel some of the old, panicky feelings inside ... I try to let go of them, quickly.

I would have never guess I would have to grow older without my child being ... there. I never had a clue that such would happen ... I knew he would be there, always.

I remember being very sick, trying to prepare him for something happening to me. I knew my son loved me with his heart ... I was afraid for him ... if I died.

I never thought to prepare myself for my son's ... death. Today ... when I think of him, I smile with great sadness in my Heart. My tears ... fall inside, hidden from the world.

..............................................................................................................................................

Photo/Story Credit: is of my son, Tommy.  Both are owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee. 

Fatal Infection ... (Learn how an everyday thing almost killed my husband ... something we all do ... know what to do, if it happens to you)

Fatal Infection ... (Learn how an everyday thing almost killed my husband ... something we all do ... know what to do, if it happens to ... you)

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

 

Photo Credit:  Of, and owned by Gloria Faye Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Well ... let me begin with August 3rd, Sunday ... Skip was moving some old, rusty fence wire. He was just making thing neat outside.

He got stuck by a little piece of wire sticking out. I told him to wash it with soap, and water ... put peroxide on it. He didn't think it necessary.

Each day, the little place began to get much redder, 'bigger' red than the day before. He thought it would get better ... it didn't.

Skip came home on the evening of the 6th ... he was having cold chills, shaking all over, high fever. His blood pressure had soared very high. Not only that ... his arm had swollen so big ... huge! I drove him to the Emergency Room.

There ... as soon as the doctor looked at his arm ... and listened to me ... he ordered antibiotics by IV, a tetanus shot, and pain medicine. He told Skip that he had almost ... waited too late.

'Too late' ... meaning the infection could have been fatal. He kept telling Skip that he should have come in earlier, instead of waiting ... 4 days to come in!

Skip stayed in the hospitals on continuous antibiotics for almost 5 days! He was in really bad condition. When his doctor came to see him, she told him about waiting as long as he did. She told him that it could have turned into sepsis, and be fatal.

I was talking to a nurse ... she told me that when you break the skin, you need to wash it out 'right now' ... with soap and water. Even 'squeeze' the wound a little to let it bleed some.

I have learned so much through the past week ... I will always run to wash a wound if I become hurt. I keep thinking how in 'old days', this was one of the things that ... killed people. No one would really know why someone died. People didn't know to wash their hands, much less ... wash a wound out when cut on something.

Skip is home, now. Thankfully, he's going to be alright. He is now, on oral antibiotics for a week. We both know to wash any wound out as soon as possible ... to keep from getting a fatal infection. Skip almost ... died.

.......................................


Photo/Story Credit: Owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

.......................................


Note by this author: 2014 ... My husband, Skip ... got stuck by the wire on August 3rd ... he didn't seek medical attention until August 6th. He was immediately put on IV with antibiotics, admitted.

He stayed on antibiotics, shots in his stomach to keep blood clots from forming. Medicine to bring down his blood pressure; medicine for the really bad pain in his arm. He had become confused from the high fever he kept for several days. He got to come home the evening of August 11th. He is on two different oral antibiotics for another week.

Remember, you can prevent this from happening to you. Simply wash any break in the skin with soap and water. Myself ... I would put some peroxide on any wound after I wash it .... strictly what 'I would do to myself'. I'm not a doctor, so ... I can't advise anyone.

If you would like to know more ... Google 'cellulitis' ... and 'sepsis'.  If you ever see redness around the wound begin to ... spread ... get to the doctor!

#Cellulitis
#Sepsis

My Characters Speak For Themselves ...

My Characters Speak For Themselves ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is of me, owned by me ... Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee ...



I wanted to take a few minutes to let people who know me, don't know me ... to know that I write stories ... they aren't necessarily true stories.  I add my thoughts to my stories to make them real.  Some people take them too seriously, sometimes.  I feel like when they do, I wrote the story ... 'real' enough.  :)

Sometimes, I will hear something in the background on tv, around me ... and go off on a writing spree.

Example:  the story I wrote about 'I Don't Give A Damn How You Are' ... that story came from hearing in the background on tv ... a woman in an office setting saying, "hello-ooooooooooo, how-wwww are-eeeeeeeeeee you-uuuuuuuu".

I began instantly thinking about how fakey it was ... how it bothered me to hear someone say that.  I worked in an office setting for years, and I knew when one of the women said such in 'that tone'... it wasn't real.  They really didn't give a damn.  Truth is the truth.

Anyway, I think people really thought I was meaning myself ... like it was me who didn't give a damn 'how you are'.  It wasn't me.  It was just writing.  It was one of those times, I went off on a little writing spree.  It was taken too seriously.

I am going to say this to those who don't know me, and are new to my writing.  I'm a for-real good person who has been through very bad things in my life.  I 'could have been very, very bad' ... from the things that happened ... I chose to be a good person.  I do care about people, feelings... animals.

I am very private, but, it doesn't mean I don't notice, or care about people around me.  I care more than anyone knows.  Sometimes, I don't know how to show it.  When someone begins getting too close to me ... I begin backing off.  It's just me ... it doesn't mean I'm mean, or bad.  I can't afford to be 'too close' to anyone ... I don't need any extra pain.

I don't write about any one thing.  But ... one thing that I do write at any time is grief, and remembering Tommy, my son.  I know pain, grief ... how most things in life feel from experience.  It's why I write ... and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  No one has to take what I write ... too seriously.

Whenever, I see someone doing that (I read the comments you write) ... I have to stop time to time ... to write what you are reading at this very moment.

Just know that whatever happens to be on my mind ... isn't for anyone to take too seriously.  The story I wrote about the mother (Is This What My Son Died ... Fighting For?) ... wasn't a true story in my life ... but, it is in ... someone's life.  It just came to me, when my heart felt for the mother of a soldier who died in Afghanistan.  No, I didn't know her ... but, as a mother of a son who died ... that came to my mind.

We are all human, and we focus on what's in our immediate life.  I know we all aren't aware every moment that young men are on foreign soil fighting, losing their lives for us.  I think of it a lot; some people do.  We have to live life wherever we are ... I realize that.  We are what we think about ...

Anyway ... just know, I am a most caring, compassionate person.  No matter what I write, the several 'ugly' words I use from time to time ... doesn't mean I'm not a good person.

When writing, one has to write what's on one's mind at that time ... sometimes, in order to be written as it needs to be ... an 'ugly' word has to be used.  It doesn't mean I'm being ugly.  That's what writers do ...  'My characters speak for themselves' ...

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I Don't Give A Damn How You Are ...

I Don't Give A Damn How You Are ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Yes, that's right ... this is the expression to give a ... fakey-ass ... person!  I 'don't know' who this photo is of... but, I do own it!  :)  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee



God!  I cringe every time I hear that!  I'm just saying if someone says that to me ... I'm going to stop, look them in the eyes, make a horrible face, stick my tongue out at them.

I might even comment back in the same 'tone' of voice.  If I do that, I know they will get my big hint.  They might even think twice of doing it to someone else ... again.

I don't like fakey-ass people.  God knows there are so many.  They are always 'magically there' ... if they think you've done something 'great, important'.  When they find out you are just yourself, always been yourself ... they 'magically disappear'.  As for me, I'm always glad, because ... I don't have to figure out how to get them out of my life!

I know ... I know.  Once in a while 'we all' ... have to be a fakey-ass person.  I mean, really ... we do.  Some things call for nothing less ... than being fakey ... unless you want to make a 'bad' scene.  Do you agree?

Like when someone is blowing smoke up someone's ass ... telling them how beautiful they look.  You look for 'that beauty' ... for some reason you don't see it.

Are you going to say, "damn, you look like hell ... there's nothing beautiful about you".  Are you going to say that ... or are you going to agree, go your way.  It's easier ... not to make a scene ... not only that, what in the world would you accomplish if ... you told the truth?

HELLO, HO------WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW AR-RRRRRRRRRE Y-----O---- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?

Don't tell me that, ever.  I will instantly become disgusted.  I hate to hear someone say that to me.  I don't feel like smiling, being nice anymore!

Can't you just be honest, say 'I don't give a damn how you are ... it's just part of my job to pretend I do'?


Photo/story credit:  owned by #Gloria Faye Brown Bates / aka &grannygee

NOTE:  This is exactly my 'Gloria Opinion'.  I know some things require 'being fakey' ... but, some things ... don't.  I won't argue this with anyone ... I have a mind of my own.  :) <3

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You See It A Lot In People's Faces...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ..............................................



You See It A Lot In People's Faces ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee



What a bitch!  Hateful looking codger!  The man decided he wouldn't go ask the old man anything.  He would probably cuss him out, if he did.

Look at that hateful looking woman.  I can see hell in her eyes.  I know she's a time bomb walking around. I'm not approaching her ... she's not going to go off on me!

She has a nasty looking sneer on her face.  She's just daring someone to come near her.  She wants to bite someone's head off.

Fire in his eyes ... that man has a hell of an expression.  I know no one wants to sit next to him.  That's the only seat left on the bus.  Hellfire!

The young girl didn't want to order at the fast food restaurant.  The woman standing there, intimidated her.  When she began telling her what she wanted ... the woman frowned at her.  The girl's voice trembled.  The woman's expression made it impossible for her to talk without being nervous.  She became tongue-tied.  "If you want me to take your order, you need to speak up"!

You know how it is ... you go into a business to take care of something.  You go to visit someone in the hospital; go order in a restaurant.  There's always someone who is 'mean, ugly', who makes you feel bad for coming.  They forget ... they have a boss ... the sad thing is ... the customer, visitor doesn't think to complain!

I remember once at the local pharmacy ... we needed to speak to the pharmacist.  She was told ... she came out to us with a sneer on her face, propped against the doorway, said ... "what do you want".  I became instantly angry at her.  I put steel in my voice, looked her straight into her eyes ...she began straightening up.  I would have reported her.  We didn't have to take that from her.  We heard later, that she had that reputation to do such to others.  Not me!

Sometimes, expressions aren't what they appear.  A lot of times, the expression, eyes reflect what's going on inside.  You see it a lot in people's faces.


Photo/Story Credit belongs to me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka &grannygee  #GrannyGee

Note:  Any 'ugly words' aren't ever meant to offend.  They are used according to what I'm writing.

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She Never Knew What Happened To Her Body ...

She Never Knew What Happened To Her Body ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is of me, owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... a younger Granny Gee.

　

Don't you wish you were ... really different in a special way? We all wish there was something about us ... that other people really appreciated.

When younger, we think we are so much. We can save the world because we are very strong. We always have a plan on how to react 'if something bad happened'.

You know, like when a parent told you 'no'... when you wanted to go out. They told you that you could get hurt; you could be kidnapped ... or worse.

But ... no, in your mind, no one can hurt you. You could handle anything that happened to you. You are so strong!

You are so naive, never knowing danger could come in the form of a family friend; someone whom everyone thinks a lot of.

Why you could accept a ride with someone everyone loves, knows could never do any wrong. You aren't afraid. You are young ... you can handle anything that comes your way. Just let someone try to mess with you!

You are walking down the street to your grandmother's house ... sure enough, good old so-and-so offers you a ride. You jump right in ...

The car goes in the opposite direction, you want to ask why. Maybe you are afraid of being misinterpreted ... you wouldn't want so-and-so to think you were accusing them of doing something wrong.

The car goes down a dark road, stops at a pond. The man turns to you, demands you take your clothes off. He wants to do something bad to you. You begin to cry, you are afraid. Then ... survival kicks in ... you didn't lead your young life of being abused ... for nothing.

Anger rages in you ... you are not going to take this ... laying down. You begin to scream ... you move forward to scratch his eyeballs out; bite, kick him hard in the family jewels. He screams like a girl, while he clutches himself.

You open the door of the car, run like hell. He's going to get you! You make it into the woods, you move slower, quieter. You hear a sweet, comforting voice call your name ...

It's alright ... I wasn't going to hurt you. Come out, come out wherever you are. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm so sorry you thought I would hurt you ...

You are almost tempted to come out ... hell no! You go deeper into the forest ... you come to a railroad track. You begin to run like a deer ... he can't catch you!

You come to a road crossing the railroad track ... see a car, panic. Oh no! He's found you! He's found you! No! You almost faint ... from relief.

The car is a deputy sheriff's car! You run to it, cry for help. He gets out, helps you into the car. The deputy tells you that you are safe ... everything's going to be alright, now.

You needed help ... you found it. No, you couldn't take care of yourself. Every plan you had thought of to save your ass 'just in case' you got in a dangerous situation went out the window.

You beg the deputy to please go ... you are afraid that man is going to get you. The deputy sheriff wants to sit there, question you, tell you no one can hurt you, now. He's there to protect you ...

A shadow looms up at his window ... too late, the deputy knew he's made a mistake. He never felt the bullet that went through his head!

The girl screamed, fainted. She never knew what happened to her body ...

Photo/Story Credit: is owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka &grannygee
　

She Always Went Toward The Light...

She Always Went Toward The Light ...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo is owned, is of me.  Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny  ... in this photo, I had gotten hold of scissors, cut off my long hair ... I 'may have gotten my doll's hair, too' ... maybe, even my baby brother.



The little girl stood beside her babysitter, at the window.  They were peeping out the blinds into the night.  The babysitter pointed across the street to a big bush under the nightlight.

There!   She told the little girl, and boy she was babysitting to look there!  There were two, big men hiding behind the bush ... they were watching the house.

The little girl felt fear ... she didn't understand what was happening ... but, she knew it was bad.  The babysitter was talking in a hushed voice ... it trembled.  Tears began rolling down her little cheeks.

The men rose up from behind the bushes, ran into the dark.  They couldn't be seen any longer.  The babysitter grabbed both children by the hand, ran to the front door.  They stood there ....

There was a horrible crash ... the basement door was being smashed open.  The babysitter unlocked the door, pulled the two children out into the dark.  They began to run up the street.  No one made a sound.

They turned the corner, ran down that street until the babysitter came to her yard.  They quickly ran up steps onto the porch.  She opened the front door, got the children inside, locked the door behind them.

The little girl stood there in the brightly lit room.  She had never felt so safe.

The two men were never caught.  For the remainder of the time, the little girl lived in the house ... she never went into the basement again.  When she tried to enter the door ... all she could see was scary darkness.  She grew up afraid of the dark ... she always went toward the light.

Photo/Story Credit belongs, is owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka &grannygee

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Pain Isn't Always From Getting ... Old
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo of me as a younger woman ... I was strong, invincible ... and was going to 'save the world'....
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee


Be careful of how you treat your body when young.  You are healthy, strong ... you can carry the whole world on your shoulders.  You are invincible.

When there's work to be done, something heavy to be moved, nobody else can do it ... you are the one to do it.  You treat your body like a workhorse.  You can do anything.

As you become older, you notice you feel a little stiffness in your body when you go to get up from a seated position.  In fact, getting out of bed might hurt ... at least a little.

You get a little more older ... you find out your joints hurt like hell.  Your knees are shot ... you have to get injections in them in order to walk ... make the pain go away.

You begin to get surgeries due to life-saving illnesses, or whatever reason.  Oh my, you really do hurt when you go to stand up, walk.  You body is full of ... pain.  It hurts, your whole body really hurts.

No, it's not because you are ... old.  It's from the wear and tear on your body.  You might not have taken care of your body through time.  You wish to have a second chance ... you'd know what not to do ... now.

You have to stop, see the humor in it.  I know that sounds strange, but ... think about it.  Think about all the surgeries you've had ... you are almost embarrassed to tell a doctor 'all' the things your body has been through.  You have scars to show it.

I smile thinking about all my body's been through.  It's not funny ... but, it's amazing when I think about it.  I smile thinking how happy I am to be here ... no matter the pain.  In my situation ... I have a love-hate relationship with pain.  To live ... I have to have pain ... I love to live.

Pain isn't always from getting ... old.  It's from all your body, mind has been through ... through time.  No, pain isn't always from getting ... old.

Photo/Story Credit:  Photo, story owned by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka &grannygee  

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I Won't Be Slipping Into The Dark Pool Of Grief ... Tonight

I Won't Be Slipping Into The Dark Pool Of Grief ... Tonight
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Photo Credit:  Owned by me, Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... taken of book I wrote when in the deepest throes ... of grief.  I can bearly remember writing ... my son, grandson ... Tommy and Taban.


I've had Tommy on my mind a lot, lately.  Tommy is my son ... he died on May 29, 2010.

Most people who know me, know I was close to my son.  He meant the world to me.  He was an only child.

I vowed when he died ... I'd never let him be forgotten.  I'm keeping that promise.  He was such a very real, wonderful person.  No, he wasn't perfect ... no one is.  He was wonderful, nevertheless.

I think of him constantly ... though, only on a level that won't upset me.  I don't think 'too deeply' ... I can't bear the grief that lies there like a dark, scary pool of water.  I try to be careful walking near it ... I don't want to slide into it.

I can't put into words, no matter how hard I try ... what grief feels like.  You would have to lose your child ... to know what this grief feels like.  I would never wish that for you ... never.  You know how it is at this very moment if you 'think of such' ... it's an awful thought; you can't bear to think of losing your child.  Your mind jumps off that thought like sitting on a ... hot fire!

When I write about Tommy ... that's what my blogs, my writing is usually about.  About the grief of a mother who has lost her only child.  The good thing is ... when you get tired of reading about it, you can leave, go somewhere else to read.  You can read what is on someone else's mind.  You can get to 'feel' what different things are like, without having to experience them yourselves, unless...

Unless ... you are a grieving person; someone who knows what it feels like to lose someone in your life.  I know what it feels like to lose almost everyone in my world that I truly loved.  I don't have but, a handful of relatives left.  I love them all from afar.

My whole world consists of Skip, my husband ... and our three Pups.  They ... are my world.  They are most important to me.  Tommy was a part of my whole world.  He is missed so much.  He meant the world to both, Skip and I.

Somehow, I've managed to find the strength to not slip into the dark pool of grief I spoke of earlier.  I think a little puppy named Camie is responsible for that.  I rescued her on July 4, 2013 ... she was almost dead, when I lifted her off the ground.  My attention went to her, I focused on her.  I meant for her to live ... and if she didn't, I meant for her not to ... die alone.  We saved ... each other.

Camie is an important part of my world.  She has survived the worst case of demodectic mange our vet's ever seen.  Sure, she still gets sick ...  all her friends contribute to her medical care ... she gets well once again.  Most likely her whole life it will be like that.  One thing for certain ... she is cared about by so many.  She has the most loving family around her ... us ... her friends.

Tonight ... I'm remembering Tommy, thinking of Camie ... and my whole world ... these are the thoughts on my mind.  I won't be slipping into the dark water of grief ... tonight.

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That's The Beauty Of Becoming ... Older

That's The Beauty Of Becoming ... Older

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Do you have to constantly get something from another ... for you to give your friendship to?

Do they have to 'buy' you?  I remember being younger, and the 'friends' I had ... weren't real friends.  I had to keep giving ... this was before I learned I 'could say no'.  

One memory comes to mind, was when someone I really liked, came to visit me.  I was probably eighteen... she was a little older.  She came into my living room all smiles, confidence.

She looked me sitting on the couch in my pretty nightgown, my book close by.  She said, "I want your nightgown!"  She saw my book, said she'd like to have it, too!

I gave her both... I didn't want to.  I didn't know how to get out of it... gracefully.  I would have been very embarrassed to have explained 'why' I wanted to keep my nightgown, my book.

It took years to learn to 'say no'.  I look back to 'before'... when I should have.  It would have saved me so much grief.

You know how being young... you think you have to do everything someone else tells you ... or someone's going to get mad at you.  Back then... I couldn't bear for anyone not to like me, much less be mad at me. 

 

Today ... I am myself; I can tell you 'no'!  If you don't like it... or turn against me ... you just have to.  I can go my way... 'let go' of you.  I would never if possible say 'yes' to something I don't want to do, or agree to do.  I would wish you all the best.

That's the beauty of becoming a little older...  

Photo Credit/ Story are owned by me (of me), #Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka #grannygee

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